Category: Sex

The Best Revenge, Part 81

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Elite naval strategist Aiva Naali, aka ‘The Supper computer’, aka ‘anaCheeya ANARKY’, aka ‘140 Big Girth’, aka ‘quantum’, aka ‘Agent Anvil’, aka ‘lil Bullet’, was determined to crush Pandemic Horde, directing the Imperium to rain down upon them like a swarm of angry bees. However, war is hell, and that means taxes and line item expenses. Aiva vowed to purchase his seat on the War Council, and was pleased by the presentation of an official billing statement.

Before James 315 passed on, after sipping from that fateful cup of wine which I poured unto him, he begged me to ensure that the full story would be told. An entire galaxy has been torn by the Great War of Aiva, and many wish to hear the inspiring tale of a Highsec miner’s rise to absolute Ascendancy. I am most pleased to continue this narrative, referring you now to a Discord channel known to OnlyFans as Aiko’s Pleasure Palace. It was here that quantum vowed to do everything necessary to defeat Pandemic Horde.

For every problem, there is always a solution, always!

For now, the crucial issue was that lapsed payments automatically triggered a series of routine budget cuts, and late fees would have to be paid promptly to ensure that quantum’s official Goonswarm Director of War Council and Imperial Naval Office of Scientific Research and Applied Development campaign could proceed.

Not surprisingly, Agent Anvil wanted to succeed, but his friends were busy with their own political campaigns. Everything depended upon ensuring that the right people were placed into key positions across the Galactic Council, whilst enemies of the state were sidelined. In particular, the shareholders would soon be electing the next Saviour or Saviourette of Highsec, and the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher!


Although quantum’s campaign staff feared the growing power of Dolphin Don, a xenophobic anti-furfan, quantum reassured everyone that the Mittani would intervene and ensure that the good guys were victorious.


With a powerful friend like the Mittani, quantum was sure to win, provided he could continue with his payments to the Election Fund.

To be continued…

Code Ready Always

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: The end of Juneteenth coincides with Wardfest, and you know what that means: derecho season! Uf, no me gusta! High command is aware “the weather” is of concern to middle management, and we are doing everything we can to improve the climate. I seem to remember a simpler time, when we had another word for señor Derecho. El tindersturm??? Tundrastrom? Tengostrumpet????? I don’t recall, but I’m glad that James315.Space is a safe place without arbitrary nonse.

***

Previously on Minerbumping… Our late Saviour penned a seminal historiographic narrative, depicting the awesome saga of New Order agents in battle against intergalactic minery. Kalorned and TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet have long been controversial, striking fear into even the toughest jellybear. Fortunately, as part of the New Order Amnesty Accords, Princess Aiko has seen fit to bring these bad boys back into the fold. They have thus bent the knee, accepting her almighty reign.

You may recall that Energy Minx and Greypses Foryuu appeared from nowhere. Subsequently, after destroying The Trade Syndecate, these mysterious heroes returned whence they came. The fate of the Syndecate is known, but questions linger about the lost year, between the conclusion of Code Ready Gelhan and the The Elonaya Conspiracy. What happened to Mission Ready Mining? Are they ok?

As James 315 noted, “Something terrible had happened to that organization, and it went inactive.” But what exactly was that terrible thing? This, dear reader, is an intriguing question. Now that Kalorned and Tweeps have been firmly brought to heel, the truth can finally be revealed here, as James 315 would have wanted.

Fresh from the New Order Vaults, I am thus pleased to announce Code Ready 2: Kalorned’s Revenge. This epic non-fiction docudrama will bring to light the incredible details of Mission Ready Mining’s stunning defeat, at the hands of Assistance Group (which contains some of the New Order’s most seductive Aiko alts). Finally, we will have official answers. It’s like Christmas, so please enjoy this special audio trailer:

Sex. Violence. Ganking. Bumping. Spying. Evictions. Sex. Betrayals. More evictions. More spying. Real-life threats. More Sex. Buckle up, friendo, the boys are back and this time they have a Princess. Are you CODE. ready?

To be continued…

False Valour, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Vasalinda Fingerback was unable to tell the truth, and she was also unable to survive Highsec. An elite team of CODE. social workers sought to help Vasalinda come to terms with her indecent lifestyle.

Alas, Vasalinda needed help accepting help.

It’s hard to imagine a race more disgusting than the Highsec miner.

Vasalinda dropped a bombshell on the Why Was I Ganked? channel. Not only was she a badass miner, classy lady, and internet tough guy – but she was also an elite amphibious assault specialist. Normally, when someone tells me that they have served in the Armed Forces, I tend to believe them. However, I was struggling to accept this miner’s story, and doubted that Marines are common plebs.

It always pains me to accuse someone of false valour, because it’s possible that an absolute moron somehow slipped through the intensive recruitment process. However, Highsec miners are notoriously dishonest. We’ve seen our fair share of miners who dropped deep behind Soviet lines, ganking Albanian tanks with their trusty M47 Dragon ATGM, but we’ve also seen a few miners who exaggerated a little bit.

I’ve never met a U.S. Marine who felt bullied by space cartoons.

This was Vasalinda’s chance to shame ME. She might have called my bluff, describing her heroic defense of Hue, or her brilliant maneuver at Chosin. She could have described the bloody perimeter at Henderson field, or her courageous action at Fallujah. However, those battles paled in comparison to Vasalinda’s concern: the mining permit.

The truth often reveals itself.

Fortunately, Vasalinda was having fun and wasn’t upset or bothered.

It is often difficult to feel any pity or sympathy for the hapless miners.

 

 

 

 

False Valour

In this era of Jamespocalypse, everyone is flocking to the official Why Was I Ganked? channel, where the best content is reserved for premium shareholders.

As the mighty CODE. alliance continues to grow in strength, miners struggle to even find a means of attacking our invincible legacy. 

Vasalinda hoped to exploit the death of James. Was the CODE. alliance growing soft and weak, ruined by incompetent middle management?

Meanwhile, she was delighted to be the center of attention.

As word spread of Vasalinda’s appearance in the docket, everyone wanted to meet her.

Unfortunately, she was unwilling to pay her own defense attorney.

She was also a terrible liar.


Please don’t “ask James”. Just let the dead rest in peace.

Professor Lawton’s alt understood the miner’s problem…

To be continued…

Kage Rage, Part 6

Previously on James315.Space… Kage1982 got dunked on, repeatedly, and was delighted by his glorious victory over the CODE. He thus began to celebrate in Isanamo. However, Ernst Steinitz removed kage’s tethering rights, and kage found himself whirling through the void, without a safety net. kage was hurtling around the Home for Young Miners, when he spotted an official ASL voice-verified princess.

kage1982 > they are trying to catch me but are slugs
Ernst Steinitz > kage did not have a permit when we found him ratting in his Barghest, that’s why he is sometimes a little angry at us.
Aiko Danuja > he isn’t salty though
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja like the inside of your mouth for ten dollars

Like many miners, kage found himself immediately captivated by the soft Voice of Highsec, and that siren’s call lured him into a trance. He fantasized about becoming a salty little, and jumping down the throat of his new vore queen. Once upon a time, Overmind Niminen had likewise beta orbited the YMCA, broadcasting romantic poems on all channels, in a desperate bid to woo the beautiful lady.

Now, it was kage1982, who also hoped to finally meet a real-life girl.

kage1982 > her ass is the size of frieghter no doubt
Aiko Danuja > Don’t you feel foolish, watching us win everyday?

Kage had forgotten about Ernst Steinitz, but now he was reminded, that mining permits come with a number of perks.

Aiko Danuja > What do u mean by a salty mouth, for a few bucks??
Your Awesum Brutha > I’d say 10
kage1982 > you know dam well what, down the docks every night you are
Whadda Badasaz > What does Aiko do, down by the docks?
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja hey dont talk with your mouth full that guys paying them 10 bucks cheeky maire
Your Awesum Brutha > Aiko Danuja thank you \o/

Kage watched, as Aiko and her Brutha performed a magic disappearing trick. He realized there were benefits to being a CODE. agent, and he was jealous. 

Aiko Danuja > What do you mean, my mouth isn’t full ??
kage1982 > awww kid , does daddy call it something else 😉
Aiko Danuja > i dont understand can you explain?
Catalyst Whisperer > How can someone be so mad after being ganked like a month ago?
Whadda Badasaz > You know Aiko is a 14 year old child in real life, right?
kage1982 > yeah prob why you got her onboard isnt it

There are some lines which should never be crossed, and one of those lines is that a miner should never dare to express sexual desire for an agent of the CODE. This is wholly indecent, like trying to molest the SWAT team, as they bash down the door and order you onto your knees. Calm down, miner!

Whadda Badasaz > Your sexual comments are very inappropriate
Your Awesum Brutha > kage1982 you are so pathetic
Aiko Danuja > Kill: kage1982’s Dramiel
Your Awesum Brutha > Can’t make that shit up

Presto, abacadabra, zap!!! Just like that, kage’s Dramiel vanished! Join us next time, on Kage Rage, Part 7, and we will reveal the mystical secrets of the Orient, and learn how CODE. agents made an entire spaceship disappear!!!!!

To be continued…