How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Odbayar was delighted to learn that mining permits are just 30 million isk, and every purchase qualifies for instant doubling. He wanted to get rich quick, greedily applying for liberal handouts.



Whadda Badasaz was generous, offering to quadruple Odbayar’s isk. Even better, if Odbayar signed up today, he would qualify for an extra BONUS.


Agents of the New Order are always eager to help newbros, and began patiently explaining how to create an official business contract.

Odbayar began voluntarily transferring his assets.


Many EVE players would let Odbayar dwell in isolation, without content, but our CODE. agents encouraged Odbayar to develop his own story.

Odbayar was happy to finally be playing EVE.

Odbayar originally claimed that he only had one ship, but this was revealed to be a rotten lie. He was trying to scam our elite agents, pretending to have nothing left, and yet he always managed to pull one more item out of his hangar. As Sun Tzu famously wrote, “You can squeeze water from a rock, if you squeeze gently.”



Odbayar explored his inventory, and was amazed to find forgotten items. Fortunately, Princess Aiko was willing to liquidate everything.

 

To be continued…

BONUS: Blake McAllister of New Order Mining Authority has produced this poster, perfect for your bedroom wall.

 

 

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Previously on James315.Space… Hyperlife was eager to buy his permit, and donate billions of isk to support the New Order. Getting ganked was a real gamechanger for him, and he was eager to stop mining. Let’s now examine another sort of miner, the unrepentant newbro. Little Odbayar hails from Mongolia, but soon found himself stealing ore in Highsec. As you might imagine, he found himself in quite a bit of legal trouble.

At some point, Odbayar was convinced to purchase a permit, but became dismayed when the license was revoked. Unfortunately, bot aspirancy is a violation of the End User License Agreement, as defined by the New Halaima Code of Conduct.


As part of the Pangalactic Ganking Amnesty Agreement, negotiated amidst a derecho on Agil-III, the official leadership of the New Order and the ranking shareholders of the realm have agreed to support a combined grand offensive against Highsec miners. It was thus that Odbayar found himself  confronted not only by the mighty CODE. alliance, but also by our friends in Pandemic Horde. Subsequently, I was touring the official CODE. museum, when I found poor Odbayar crying to an empty channel. I could see he was desperately attempting to find someone who would sell him a new permit, and took it upon myself to invite this little fellow to a more active channel: Why Was I Ganked? 

This was not Odbayar’s first time in prison, and he knew the routine, dutifully presenting his latest killmail for an official inspection.

After examining the evidence, I summoned Butter Button to collect rent.

Odbayar briefly malfunctioned, but was easily rebooted.


Like most newbros, Odbayar appreciated our help.

Butter Button was especially impressed by the professionalism of Princess Aiko, the Sword of Restoration. The New Order once again demonstrated that it was not only the master of Highsec, but Nullsec as well.

Odbayar was happy, and Butter was also satisfied.

Everyone was content, but could Odbayar negotiate an even better deal?

To be continued…
 

 

 

Code Ready Always

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: The end of Juneteenth coincides with Wardfest, and you know what that means: derecho season! Uf, no me gusta! High command is aware “the weather” is of concern to middle management, and we are doing everything we can to improve the climate. I seem to remember a simpler time, when we had another word for señor Derecho. El tindersturm??? Tundrastrom? Tengostrumpet????? I don’t recall, but I’m glad that James315.Space is a safe place without arbitrary nonse.

***

Previously on Minerbumping… Our late Saviour penned a seminal historiographic narrative, depicting the awesome saga of New Order agents in battle against intergalactic minery. Kalorned and TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet have long been controversial, striking fear into even the toughest jellybear. Fortunately, as part of the New Order Amnesty Accords, Princess Aiko has seen fit to bring these bad boys back into the fold. They have thus bent the knee, accepting her almighty reign.

You may recall that Energy Minx and Greypses Foryuu appeared from nowhere. Subsequently, after destroying The Trade Syndecate, these mysterious heroes returned whence they came. The fate of the Syndecate is known, but questions linger about the lost year, between the conclusion of Code Ready Gelhan and the The Elonaya Conspiracy. What happened to Mission Ready Mining? Are they ok?

As James 315 noted, “Something terrible had happened to that organization, and it went inactive.” But what exactly was that terrible thing? This, dear reader, is an intriguing question. Now that Kalorned and Tweeps have been firmly brought to heel, the truth can finally be revealed here, as James 315 would have wanted.

Fresh from the New Order Vaults, I am thus pleased to announce Code Ready 2: Kalorned’s Revenge. This epic non-fiction docudrama will bring to light the incredible details of Mission Ready Mining’s stunning defeat, at the hands of Assistance Group (which contains some of the New Order’s most seductive Aiko alts). Finally, we will have official answers. It’s like Christmas, so please enjoy this special audio trailer:

Sex. Violence. Ganking. Bumping. Spying. Evictions. Sex. Betrayals. More evictions. More spying. Real-life threats. More Sex. Buckle up, friendo, the boys are back and this time they have a Princess. Are you CODE. ready?

To be continued…

Stark Raving Mad, Part 5

Previously on MinerBumping… VictorStark Stark was furious, and so was his alt Lilliana Lestrange. They thought they could roleplay their way into CODE., but soon discovered that the Code forbids roleplaying. Ironically, VictorStark didn’t roleplay giving away all his assets and skillpoints!!! Worse still, he blamed Princess Aiko for his foolishness! At first, VictorStark tried to negotiate with various CODE. agents, but soon realized that Aiko was officially the top character in CODE!!!!!

When carebears realize that Aiko is a true princess, they often gnash their yellow teeth, and Victor was no exception.

Denying the reality of Aiko’s official stature is always a serious mistake. When Lilliana tried to pretend she had a valid mining permit, Aiko observed that the permit was actually stolen. Lilliana was nothing but a common permit thief.

As the truth became known, everyone began to publicly shame the angry goofus.

Meanwhile, the AGBees celebrated another successful gank.

Lilliana was obsessed with Princess Aiko, hurling endless invective.

Aiko tried to explain that, as a verified IRL princess, she lacks empathy or compassion for the common miner. Our Saviourette is incapable of understanding what Lilliana was upset about. Unfortunately, this did not help Lilliana calm down.

Is it even possible to punish a princess? Some individuals began to question whether Aiko could ever be held accountable for anything. Was it true, that whatever she did was absolutely divine, by right of birth? If so, did Lilliana have any rational reason to even be upset? Shouldn’t be Lilliana be rejoicing to meet a princess?

Lilliana’s breakdown was now entering a third day, and Antonio Muskitta was beginning to wonder whether the festivities would ever conclude? Rumors were spreading that the Jamespocalypse was nigh, and perhaps this was the end of CODE? However, as Madame Mia observed, Princess Aiko was just getting started.

To be continued…

False Valour, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Vasalinda Fingerback was unable to tell the truth, and she was also unable to survive Highsec. An elite team of CODE. social workers sought to help Vasalinda come to terms with her indecent lifestyle.

Alas, Vasalinda needed help accepting help.

It’s hard to imagine a race more disgusting than the Highsec miner.

Vasalinda dropped a bombshell on the Why Was I Ganked? channel. Not only was she a badass miner, classy lady, and internet tough guy – but she was also an elite amphibious assault specialist. Normally, when someone tells me that they have served in the Armed Forces, I tend to believe them. However, I was struggling to accept this miner’s story, and doubted that Marines are common plebs.

It always pains me to accuse someone of false valour, because it’s possible that an absolute moron somehow slipped through the intensive recruitment process. However, Highsec miners are notoriously dishonest. We’ve seen our fair share of miners who dropped deep behind Soviet lines, ganking Albanian tanks with their trusty M47 Dragon ATGM, but we’ve also seen a few miners who exaggerated a little bit.

I’ve never met a U.S. Marine who felt bullied by space cartoons.

This was Vasalinda’s chance to shame ME. She might have called my bluff, describing her heroic defense of Hue, or her brilliant maneuver at Chosin. She could have described the bloody perimeter at Henderson field, or her courageous action at Fallujah. However, those battles paled in comparison to Vasalinda’s concern: the mining permit.

The truth often reveals itself.

Fortunately, Vasalinda was having fun and wasn’t upset or bothered.

It is often difficult to feel any pity or sympathy for the hapless miners.

 

 

 

 

Todesfälle der Woche

ANNOUNCEMENT: Hallo Freunde. A lot of people have been wondering where to send their isk, plex, and moon goo. Now that James 315 is dead, several times over, it can be hard to know how to invest. You can naturally send your stuff to his old account, and that’s cool, like how the Wiking used to send gold and silver to Valhöll. I am sure James would appreciate your full faith. However, you might want to just send it all to her ladyship, Aiko Danuja. That’s right! It would really simplify the accounting.

Before you stop being calm, just think about this carefully. If your Ouija board is handy, you can easily ask James whether you should send me all your stuff, and I’m sure he will respond with a succint statement like “Sounds reasonable.” If he is feeling especially informative, he might even explain that I’ve been managing the Halaima MinerBumping IPO since he died back in 2018, and that’s just a fact friendo. Didn’t you know???

Did you really think this was satire? Really?????

***

Ohne weiteres, here are some Bären that got dunked between August 2nd @ 00:00 EVEtime through August 8th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

***

James 315 commanded us to “respect” the mighty Jihadswarm. One Venture ganker claimed that multiboxers are “cheaters”, and I advised him to biomass his alpha account, because Justin Kusion, Patricia Parra, Karl Friedrich Fizzleblade, Charlie Jacobson, and Bob Mechanic are my omega friends. In fact, as Kusion reminded everyone last night, I’ve known him since before the sex change.

***

Some bots doubt that CODE. is the most powerful alliance in the galaxy, but they fail to realize that both Pandemic Horde and Goonswarm have sworn fealty to James 315, and his successor (that’s me). While plebian peasants bicker, knights of the realm focus upon what matters: burning wicked miners. I therefore offer my affections to Pranav Singh, The Highsec Goddess, and The Highsec Goddess’ Necromancer.

I know some cynical fools are thinking, it’s just some random coincidence that Pandemic Horde ganked a porpoise, which has nothing to do with me or the CODE. I don’t know what to say, but this same miner lost a Nestor just an hour earlier. Hmm. It’s not like the most elite gankers all sit in comms together. Right?

***

Highsec miners hide a lot of contraband, and it may appear to be just random luck, when we find their stash . However, we don’t just control Isanamo and Uedama… we also control Jita and Amarr! Miners are notoriously bad at business, and it’s actually CODE. which has all the elite market tycoons. Zopiclone and Never Gonna SeeGrandKids knew exactly where to find the evidence. Just say no to mining!

***

wotan vallvater defied the laws of space and time, combining reinforced bulkheads with expanded cargoholds, thereby creating an impossibly dense glob of goblok. When CODE. agents investigated this anomaly, they traveled into next week and dunked on wotan’s entire mining fleet. Congrats to the Old Guard, led by Aiko Danuja, Alt 00, AGBee 513, and Rafa Quinterro. This was the third time that wotan lost a mining fleet, and we can only hope he finally decides to purchase a permit. Wotan, if you ever read this website, I hope you can spot the hint (and send me your stuff in a slightly more efficient manner).

***

Taking advantage of the temporal anomaly, His Australian Excellence returned from the dead and traveled further into the future, blasting an illegal Chinese smuggler. Wu Hu forgot to flee into deep space, where he belongs, and his pod was lawfully confiscated. Remember miners, the High-grade Amulet Omega “does nothing in and of itself.”

***

Meanwhile,  in another timeline , mat Otsito found an even blingier pod hiding inside a retriever. The Mid-grade Harvest Omega is also trash.

False Valour

In this era of Jamespocalypse, everyone is flocking to the official Why Was I Ganked? channel, where the best content is reserved for premium shareholders.

As the mighty CODE. alliance continues to grow in strength, miners struggle to even find a means of attacking our invincible legacy. 

Vasalinda hoped to exploit the death of James. Was the CODE. alliance growing soft and weak, ruined by incompetent middle management?

Meanwhile, she was delighted to be the center of attention.

As word spread of Vasalinda’s appearance in the docket, everyone wanted to meet her.

Unfortunately, she was unwilling to pay her own defense attorney.

She was also a terrible liar.


Please don’t “ask James”. Just let the dead rest in peace.

Professor Lawton’s alt understood the miner’s problem…

To be continued…

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #213

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #212

Last night was great, as all the boys were logged into Teamspeak, and a lot of important words were uttered at my coronation party. Amidst the clink of silver and crystal, I sang I’m a Barbie Girl and Bombs over Baghdad. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic. Don’t pull the thang out, unless you plan to bang. I also recited the life story of Princess Olga, and easily won Bonus round after Bonus round. CODE. celebrations are the best. Always!

James always said that he could keep MinerBumping going indefinitely with all the unpublished material, and some spicy stuff remains archived. The galaxy awaits the story of Kelroth, will it ever be told? What of the mining witches of Estwyck, or the Prince of Abu Dhabi? These stories are not tall tales, but absolutely fascinating case studies in the depravity of the common Highsec miner. The mantle is now mine, and the burden is also mine, as each night I find myself wondering whether this blog will last even one more day… thus far, each and every morning, my answer is emphatically yes.

Today, I’d like to do something special. I have decided to reach into the bag, pulling out bits and pieces. It’s possible that some items were already published on MinerBumping, and perhaps I will duplicate a bit. If so, that’s just confirmation of our great content. Folders and folders of screenshots, days and days of audio, endless videos and eternal logs of each and every channel from the deepest Delve to the Cobalt Edge. Some have stated that Miner Grab Bag was their favourite. Indeed, it was my favourite, and this seems like the right time. Let’s just open up that bag, and see what we find.

The miners always seem to know exactly what to say, even when they get it backwards. There would be no point logging in, except that the miners have such strong feelings for us, and it is only polite to try and provide them with additional content. Meanwhile, there are other miners who just seem to need a little bump.

I’ve always had a special effect on the miners. As the official Saviourette of Highsec, I know exactly what they need.

Some gobloks want ‘proof’ of my special status in the New Order, but let’s be real. Miners love me, in a way they never could experience James.

Consequently, they recognize me as Supreme Protectress, yours and theirs.


It doesn’t actually matter what the miner’s background is, whether they be Catholic or whether they share the One True Faith, inshallah, every miner knows that the Jamespocalypse means a glorious Age of Aiko is upon them.

As we move forward, the faithful will recognize that James315.Space is home, and I am merely your humble servant. As the General Secretary of the Bumper’s Union, it is my sworn duty to help in your brave fight against the mining peril.

Sometimes, it seems that the miners only want to hurl insults and explore my pretty mouth, but we can hold our heads high, and know that they are super lonely. Just look at Overmind Niminen! The miners desperately need us!

I know for certain that dear James published this next screenshot, but there’s no harm in repeating it. Sometimes, the truth is worth a second look.


You can’t stop a train
Who want some? Don’t come un-pre-pared
But this’ll be the year that we won’t forget
Uno, dos, tres, it’s on
Did you ever think a pimp rock a microphone?
Should have held back, but you throwed the punch
Don’t even bang unless you plan to hit something

Before you read up, get a laptop
Make a business for yourself, boy, set some goals
Make a fair diamond out of dusty coals
Record number four, but we on a roll
Movin like Floyd comin’ straight to Florida
Lock all your windows then block the corridors
Pullin off a belt ’cause a whipping’s in order
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!

Pew Pew, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Alpha female Zopiclone was cruisin through the galaxy, encountering sad pathetic miners. Vasalinda Fingerbang wasn’t as cool, and gave out some seriously mixed messages. I don’t need to tell you who has the better character portrait. Gankers do it better, always!

Vasalinda Fingerbang > Im not goint to talk to you guys anymore… gank away … just stop
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I read the terms.
Fate and Destiny > Im trying to run a business here and you are trying to Space Lawyer me?

Zopiclone just wanted to conduct space business, but you know what they say about miners. They aren’t very good at anything.

Gualu Echerie > some fat schoolguys are playing eve and gank miner, so they have at least one success that day… stealing a loly from a baby is more dangerous, the mom could punsh them….
Vasalinda Fingerbang > i have to report them every time htye hit me.. this is three times in a week.
Vasalinda Fingerbang > They will eventually lose their accounts
Renee en Welle > No, they won’t.
Fate and Destiny > and believe me Ive won against all Space lawyers
Vasalinda Fingerbang > im sot a space lawyer. Stop fucking with me
Renee en Welle > Wow… You’re giving them all the salt they want and more.

Vasalinda Fingerbang didn’t understand why gankers were so interested in her, and she was beginning to feel a little flustered.

Fate and Destiny > You need to buy a Mining Permit for 10 Million ISK and Ill add you to my blue list. Thanks for showing up
Fate and Destiny > But for you the fee went up to 30 million because you are trying to strong arm me with your space lawyer tall tales

Naughty miners shouldn’t expect us to waive their fees and penalties.

Renee en Welle > At the end of the day it’s a game, what these guys do provides as much content as anything else. Frankly their playstyle shouldn’t be annoying or surprising 🙂
Max Hoxen > you losers gankers are wankers
Max Hoxen > you can atttack only miners 😀
Vasalinda Fingerbang > you know it .
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I know leave me alone
Vasalinda Fingerbang > i was not away from keyboard
Gualu Echerie > yeah, they gank because they want easy kills… too afraid to go into lowsec….

The gobloks insisted that Zopiclone would have more difficulty in a region where her ship didn’t automatically explode after a few seconds.

Zopiclone > you need to calm down and buy a Mining Permit. Its the law
Vasalinda Fingerbang > fuck you
Vasalinda Fingerbang > is that clear enough for you?
Max Hoxen > no permits in ihigh sec … come out of your station 😀
Gualu Echerie > you have no mining permits to sell….
Gualu Echerie > check market and contracts, there are no miningpermits in game… 🙂
Vasalinda Fingerbang > it’s a bullshit extortion scam they are trying to run on newbies

The miners were increasingly agitated, squawking and ruffling their feathers.

Max Hoxen > HEY LOCALS, im gathering the fleet to make the life of these suckers misearable … please DM 😀

Zopiclone was a titan unto the miners, bringing each to judgment.


From: CONCORD
Sent: 2020.07.14 20:41

The kill right K Moros has on you has been made available to E.A.G.L.E.S. for 0 ISK.

Never Gonna SeeGrandKids > OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***

UPDATE: Following yesterday’s post, the mighty moderators of the CODE. alliance have hastily issued an official decree, in honour of Ward Meltdown Week. I am proud to inform you that it is once again decided, now and forever, that “Respecting James 315 is not optional!” Huzzah! I only wish he could hear the Good News. 

With Ward Week upon us, it has been one full year since I seized mechanical control of the CODE. alliance. I will therefore spend this evening celebrating in Perimeter, singing a little karaoke with the Bonus Boys. I will also be reciting the humble tale of Princess Olga, and her crushing defeat of the nasty Drevlians. Hopefully, they will soon give me my ganking titan, and I will finally take my seat on the Imperial War Council.


Pew Pew

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Raneilles
Flies Undone > ganker alert
Zopiclone > blah blah blah

Some people think that being an elite CODE. ganker is all excitement and adventure, like being a supercool intergalactic agent. Those people are right.

Zopiclone Kill: Ken Ozura (Hecate) pew pew
Zopiclone Kill: Ken Ozura (Capsule) gf AFK miner

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Vay
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Scheenins
Gualu Echerie
> you need a shower… a cloak can’t really hide you when you smell like a 10 day dead fish with a touch of cat pee…

Harald Uanid > the smel is so horibal thet even the FEMA needs to take actions …
Learza Thiesant > wow you kids need new more hateful hobbies 😀 QQ
Zopiclone > Pretty salty about some Drones blown up?
Zopiclone > bye

Agent Zopiclone was always one of James 315‘s favourite agents, and even though our High King is at rest, Zopiclone continues to spread the Good Word and let miners know they have been blessed by the Saviourette’s officious grace.


EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Amygnon
Fate and Destiny
> Bored of mining?
Zopiclone > gf Fingerbang Kill: Vasalinda Fingerbang (Retriever)
Fate and Destiny > That’s a special special miner

Unfortunately, the passing of James 315 created a power vacuum, and a number of false prophets and tinpot wannabe leaders have attempted to carve out a vanity niche for themselves. Vasalinda Fingerbang has thus established herself as an unofficial foreman of the so-called Verge Mining Consortium.

Vasalinda Fingerbang > you guys realize that harrassment is agains the term of service. You guys making it a point to gank me everytime you see me is gonna eventually get you in trouble. Obviously, I’m not skillful enough to stop you.. .. trying to extort me for isk is within the perview of the game.. but it’s just some made up scam you guys are playing around with… pleas eleave me alone
Fate and Destiny > Negative. You are just another miner
Vasalinda Fingerbang > im trying the best I can to lear how to play this game… I actually paid to be here.. so would you do me a personal favor .. and stop harrassing me.
Fate and Destiny > Pay your 30 Million ISK for the mining Permit
Vasalinda Fingerbang > that’s not going to happen
Fate and Destiny > Or keep dying…

Zopiclone’s loyal sidekick, Fate and Destiny, recognized that it is time to stop beating about the bush and get down to business.

Vasalinda Fingerbang > I have asked yopu politely to stop harrassing me. stop destroying all my6 ships.
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I’m not going to pay any fees to you.
Gualu Echerie > lol… that miningpermit again… you say all they have to buy one, and when one want to buy one, you are not willing to trade it at npy station or make a contract over it….
Fate and Destiny > You are playing EVE. Your ships will blow up
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I am not in a low sec area.
Fate and Destiny > Go to Arraron and let trigs kill you on gate k?
Vasalinda Fingerbang > just stop
Fate and Destiny > Make sure you fit your best possible ship

With the death of James, carebears assert that mining permits are not mandatory, or even real! These heretics insist that respect for James 315 and the Code is officially not not optional. Indeed, Sun Tzu observed that the most dangerous moment for an army is at the very moment of victory, as cheerful celebrations disintegrate into woeful anguish. When line members heap praise upon dead heroes, they fail to maintain vigilance, and effusive worship turns into grotesque mockery. Lazy gobloks will thus embrace the sweet toxin of eternal victory, but the gallant faithful will remain on duty, always!

Vasalinda Fingerbang > it is against to terms of service to specifically harrass a player.. unless you declair war.

Is the once victorious CODE. alliance on the brink of war?

To be continued…

BONUS: I have been rummaging through filing cabinets and that rickety desk. I jiggled a locked drawer and was surprised to discover a stash of personal keepsakes. An expired Ice Mountain ski pass, faded photographs of James and John at the Dolphinarium, a dried up red pen, and a beautiful gold pendant. Oh James, I miss you so much.