Furry Problems

Being the leader of an alliance isn’t all fun and games. From time to time, I must deal with serious ethical issues, in EvE Online.

I had just woken up, and was alerted to a developing crisis.

Someone dunked a Highsec miner.

Consequently, another Highsec miner (who doesn’t have a permit) has vowed to stop supporting my old alliance, CODE. This quickly became an animal rights issue, as staticfxx (and his boyfriend) identify as dogs.

The barnyard was abuzz, and my inbox filled with messages, as dog rights activists demanded action against the geesebee.


Victor left several elements out of his complaint. For example, he was in the mining fleet, and none of them had a mining permit. Come on Victor, you know better. You tried to play yourself as an objective bystander, but you were the aggressor! Yes, Victor started the fight, when he attempted to gank a goose. Furthermore, moments before he was ganked, staticfxx went AFK to “grab munchies” and “take a poop”.

Prophetically, when the miners accepted their mission in Kamio, they praised God for giving them a mission in 0.7 (as they were tired of mining in 0.8). Yes, God sent them to Kamio, and God passed divine judgment upon them. All is well in Highsec.

I initially assumed that staticfxx was ganked for the same reason every other miner is ganked. They all deserve to die. Right? After all, there are furry gankers. There are gay gankers. I’ll even come out of the closet, and acknowledge that I kissed a girl, and I liked it. Oh, yes. Indeed, after I went to staticfxx’s Twitch channel (to investigate crimes against humanity), I discovered another reason to gank.

staticfxx’s boy dogfriend has a bad attitude.

Never in my life, have I been subjected to such abuse, from an uptight hypersensitive dogsplaining cartoon. When I told him it that I’m a feminist, and I deserve to be treated with respect, it said this was a “low blow”. However, it has no qualms about pulling the “furry” card on me. That’s some real hypocrisy!

I don’t care if you identify as a cartoon. However, you shouldn’t expect people to take this seriously. Indeed, the miners didn’t take it seriously. After the gank, they said they “don’t care” about the “pathetic” attack from “108” Catalysts. They claimed to have so much money, they could buy our mom’s house, and kick us out of the basement. Nevertheless, a little sparrow supercarrier began chirping loudly.

You can hide behind a cartoon avatar, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to come into our galaxy, and start doing whatever you want. Everybody is required to purchase a mining permit, including crybaby furries. Welcome to EvE Online.

I’m truly sorry, but ‘furry’ just isn’t one of the select minority groups protected under the venerated Code of Newe Halaima.

While I personally don’t target furries (nor is there evidence anyone in, or out of, my alliance has ever done so), your boyfriend’s fursona is not protected by the Civil Rights Act of 1968. Please note that sexuality and species are distinct characteristics, and if you truly identify as a dog, you should expect to be treated like one. If I ever see a dog playing EVE Online, I am definitely going to gank it. I like cats.

Now, it might be true that someone targeted this miner, because he is a dog. Woof! It is also possible that someone merely messaged the miner, and said this, without it being true. It may be that nothing was said. I don’t know. What I do know, is that I don’t fly a blingy Marauder, and neither should you (or your dog).

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