This is how it’s done.
I’m a miner’s best friend.
I’m here to help!
I’m the best.
I’ve sure come a long way.
Would you like to know more?
That’s fine, I’m having a party in his crypt.
Everybody knows what happened.
Sometimes, these things happen.
Antigankers are gonna need new corporations.
Meanwhile, I’m doing pretty good.
Feel free to join me.
We can have a lot of fun.
You know what I mean?
It’s gonna be great.
I’m Aiko!
Thanks for the support!
That’s right!
As with the old MinerBumping blog, there is often rancorous debate over who deserves acknowledgement, when, why, and how much.
As always, shoutouts are available for the low price of just 1 billion per shoutout. As an example, I will give a PAID shoutout to Bei QiAo. If I had a hat, I’d tip it, but I don’t. You are doing a great job buddy, keep up the good work.
非常好
WE NOW RETURN
TO OUR REGULAR BROADCASTING SCHEDULE
Rusell has been antiganking for awhile.
He’s not very good at it.
James 315 found Rusell amusing. I would know, because we’d stay up late at night, holding hands and talking about the blog.
James was right all along… Rusell is an odd duck. My sources in the antiganking community tell me that he has been trying to rile them up against me (me!), as a part of a campaign to literally remove PvP from Highsec.
Even dedicated antigankers find him to be an extremist.
Now that I’ve become James 315 (in real life, but not in game), Rusell has found himself orbiting me endlessly, at all hours of the day. Wherever I go, there he is! He doesn’t do much, but he is awful chatty.
Recently, I told him of my plans for an Aiko statue.
Like James before me, Rusell awaits my inevitable permaban.
Rusell positively hates me!
I’m next on his list.
Why did Rusell become a career antiganker?
He’s a very private man.
However, he recently opened up about his feelings.
He likes Notepad, and hates PvP.
We had a private conversation.
He apologized profusely.
I now have his explicit consent to gank.
He left me with one piece of advice.
As part of our lowsec outreach programme, we are removing Gallente terrorists from former Caldari space. Dodixie democracy is a scam, and ‘their’ stars are rightfully administered by my loyal vassal, the Caldari State.
During the Siege of Fliet, Gallente crabs were evicted by the New Order.
Subsequently, the dead pirate Sheltark Sykari decided it would be ok to pad his Caldari killboard, by whoring on gank catalysts in Uedama. This is a good time to remember that our claim in Uedama is real, unlike the claims of faction warfare roleplayers. I consulted with Dolphin Don, and we agreed it was time.
Don began clearing the gate, removing Sheltark’s morale support barge, piloted by fellow streamer evan mclean (aka Kalle Almighty). Subsequently, we were approached by a frog, Fjun Saraki. Since he was at war with Sheltark, Fjun offered assistance. However, we soon noticed something wrong with Fjun.
Aiko Danuja > the issue is Sheltark will just jump gate
Fjun Saraki > but once he jumps other side is where i want him
Aiko Danuja > can u catch his frigate?
Fjun Saraki > my bc locks slow right?
Aiko Danuja > yep
Fjun Saraki > if i shoot him hes a legal target for me cause im gallente militia
Aiko Danuja > i know this
Fjun Saraki > but then that means im suspect right?
Like most frogs, Fjun was incompetent. Meanwhile, on Sheltark’s stream, we observed Fjun sending salty messages.
I wasn’t sure who to bump first. Neither miner had a mining permit, so how should I prioritize? Naturally, I consulted the Code, which I personally wrote (and loaned to James 315, back in 2012), “I will occasionally have more than one miner whom I could bump. So how should I prioritize? Those who violate the Code will be at increased risk.” With this in mind, I constructed a target priority matrix.
It was close, but the matrix designated Fjun as our target.
It thus came to pass, that Safety agents rescued an antiganker, whilst the antiganker was busily crafting himself another medal.
Sheltark was the happiest ag in the history of Uedama.
Afterward, I updated my tactical matrix.
It was clear what must be done.
Victory!
Previously, on !MinerBumping… we learned about the camwhores of Uedama, and discovered that Princess Aiko is bad at micromanaging you (unlike James 315, a big strong leader). There was EPIC Danuja salt, after she learned people who don’t log in are unhappy with her inactivity, and this metastorm is expected to last indefinitely.
When Aiko discovered the presence of rival camwhores, she did the one thing that is guaranteed to accomplish absolutely nothing. She reported the bots to CCP, along with screenshots and an evidentiary video.
After a few minutes, CCP concluded a full investigation, determining that humanoid player beings are content to spend all day staring at a Taint Licker (whilst steadily slowly scrolling up and down in local chat).
CCP sent Aiko a dismissive reply, closing the case. As they presumably decided, the real ‘content’ of the stream was Taint Licker himself, and surely the Uedama gatecam was not actually intended to show viewers the gate.
Aiko just couldn’t stop crying.
She began spewing increasingly EPIC princess salt across the Icelandic wastes.
Fortunately, someone has at least bothered to login and do something. Cheng went after Jim Otsadat’s obvious bot, Hamanin Haginen.
Dolphin Don went after the other camwhores.
Afterward, Sargon wondered if Jim would purchase broadcast rights.
This intrigued Jim, who saw an opportunity to obtain Safety. and eliminate competition.
Sargon has studied my blog, learning the value of an upsell.
Jim is one happy botter.
He just wishes he could get back into my channel: Why Was I Ganked?
No bots allowed!
Now go away. I’m busy planning your schedule.
I will be submitting the new alliance logo soon, so if you have any suggestions, this would be the time. Of course, I’ve got a fair idea what I will go with, but we will see. Anyways, I’d like to show you the current frontrunner.
Wow, Sargon, that’s really great!
My alliance is the best ever, mainly because me.
A lot of people just don’t get it.
Here’s a hint: I’m awesome!
I’m just the best.
EVE needs me, and I know it.
So make sure to send me all your isk…
…and I might even acknowledge you!
Ok, I’m busy now.
Uh, bye.
=BONUS CONTENT=
WoW! Check out this amazing article, published by EVE Onion!
WoW! Check out this amazing short story, published by CCP!
Outstanding!
The New Order is a wonderful community.
Everybody is having a great time.
Mining permits are now on sale!
We are here to help.
Believe it or not, some miners thank us.
Some pay for nothing at all.
Others pay me to gank them.
Pumpkin Singingblade > i am a fan of perma loss
Pumpkin Singingblade > the fun of the game is to risk assets
hiboman man > so what are you going to do now
Aiko Danuja > since you enjoy the risk, you should pay me
Pumpkin Singingblade > well
Aiko Danuja > I forego free AFK mining isk in order to bring you the fun and enjoyment you desire.
Some people wonder what’s the difference between Safety. and Code.
I suppose there’s not much difference at all.
Me and James even ganked the same miner.
So let’s just pipebomb the haters out of existence !
Cheers!
Alt 00 has painted another beautiful portrait.
As always, I’m looking good!
James observed, “When you’re a member of the New Order family, life in highsec is like a nonstop party–the most amazing, wonderful party you’ll ever experience.”
I’m a member in good standing, and I’m having a great time!
Believe it or not, we even have our own website.
Everybody seems to love me.
I’m doing well, by doing great!
I’m also into vore. That’s Japanese hentai about little tiny people who get eaten by beautiful women. Miners are gross, but I get hungry.
I digest all their little mining bits, converting them into neutron blasters and magnetic field stabilizers. That’s the circle of life.
Of course, some miners don’t want to be eaten. They try to squirm, kick and scream, but there is no way to avoid destiny.
I’m always right, and I always win.
I’m invincible.
That’s right!
Hello again, dear reader.
Antigankers are all worked up.
They don’t know what to do.
With enemies like this, no wonder I’m on top.
What a bunch of idiots.
Meanwhile, I’ve been helping Orcas.
I do well, by doing well.
Last week, I seized control of a Goon battlefleet.
Today, I seized control of a Fraternity battlefleet.
I control both fleets, on opposite sides of the war.
What do you think about that?
Some people are jelly.
I know what James really wants.
I’m here to save the miners.
That’s a euphemism for genocide (in-game).
So I don’t care who you praise.
These miners are in trouble.
Space lawyers won’t save them.
I’m the friend they need.
Some people say the CODE. is dead.
Actually, I’m invincible.
The tale of Lazar us is being ‘censored’.
Today, I received formal notification of a pending lawsuit.
I used magical spells, forcing Lazar to break his mother’s favourite glass.
I’m a real-life witch!
I’ve done a terrible thing.
So I met with Lazar’s space attorney.
At first, we did not reach an agreement.
Is it morally wrong to PvP in a PvP video game?
Justice in Gaming is sexist.
However, he eventually declared me the winner.
We agreed that Lazar owes one billion isk.
We also agreed that he is utterly incompetent.
I demand unconditional surrender.
Unfortunately, the space attorney went too far.
He committed a serious criminal offense.
I have no legal recourse left.
We must continue to fight against these space bully griefers.
They want to exterminate us.
They will never stop.
We must exterminate them.
I’ve been learning how to govern the galaxy.
I’m starting to get the hang of it.
Recently, I went on a tour of my extensive holdings in Piak.
Local miners immediately began to moan.
Afterward, I reviewed my vast holdings in Oipo.
Eventually, I encountered the village idiots.
They had some concerns about my playstyle.
They apparently think I’m a terrorist princess.
Why haven’t I been banned?
I think it’s because CCP likes me.
I’m pretty goshdarn awesome!
I’ll see you around!
