Congrats to GoonSwarm

It’s no secret.

Princess Aiko isn’t a good Goon, or even a greater Groon, although Highsec pubbies suspect otherwise. OHGOD.

It’s a nullsec post.

A long time ago, thanks to karttoon, GoonSwarm became Goonswarm. Some things changed, some stayed the same, and Aiko wondered about all of this. Occasionally, she would glance at a map, and think about the Delve. However, there was little time for fantasies, because the ice interdiction must continue until further notice.

Princess Aiko traveled about, encountering unsavory characters. She sold electron bombs to Olmeca, and shared her recipe for blueberry muffins with a TEST bot. She tried to have a human conversation with Matterall, and was blocked by that whore, Elise Randolph. Aiko wondered, who are the good guys? So she asked James 315 for standings, but he urged her to set aside prejudice, and save miners.

Gradually, Aiko began to reach a conclusion. Perhaps it began with Vily, the double trader, who published autistic demands. More moons, more ore, more freighters, more rats, more missions, more payouts, less ganking. Aiko didn’t like this manifesto. Subsequently, when the Mangos came to Highsec, Aiko watched with dismay. Each little Venture would soon hatch a dozen botting Rorquals. Meanwhile, she encountered a Goon ganker, and then another, and another, and another. Were these the good guys?

One terrible summer, James died, and the galaxy was thrown into a great war. Princess Aiko didn’t know what to do, but some people encouraged her to invade the Delve. An alliance with Vily? Holding hands with Elise? Olmeca was starting to seem a little weird, and Aiko didn’t have a positive impression of these bears. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. She killed a Venture, and began her own war.

Over the next year, Aiko learned that Uedama is real Delve, and the floodplain starts in Jita. She decided that Brisc isn’t that bad, and found herself laughing with Mittens, not at him. Meanwhile, he appreciated her, describing that racist piece of shit Manfred Sideous as the biggest fucking loser in the history of the galaxy. This was comforting, knowing that someone else is doomed to rank beneath Aiko. Who would want to help a racist fuck? Well, Highsec miners, that’s who. Some lost everything, and came back begging for ice. Aiko had no sympathy, for their fate is extirpation.

Ultimately, without Aiko, PAPI had no chance. They didn’t have any decent pilots, or leaders. They certainly didn’t have a princess. Instead of a perfect blog, they had RonUSMC. Understandably, their morale plummeted. PAPI scouts came within sight of the Kremlin, but their jump freighters ran out of fuel, and they never managed to cross the Volga. From Halaima, Aiko could hear desperate mewling from 1DQgrad, and she was amazed by the incompetence. When Lolmecalol (and Matterlol) accused the Mittani of being an alt-right literal IRL Nazi, Aiko carefully studied the evidence…

Aiko is glad she never lifted a finger to support the band of fools, unlike Dunk Dinkle, and smiled when she heard of the Great Retreat. A few minutes later, when Elf Boy announced the war was over, she laughed out loud. It’s obvious who lost, but losing takes time. When you jump off a cliff, you’ve got plenty of time to fall.

 TLDR: Vily bored his alliance to death.

Yikes!

Matterall said this was “inaccurate information” – lol!

Sulley convinced him that Vily was either doing a “cool strategic redeployment”, or this development was of “no strategic significance”. Matterall concluded that this was likely part of a “bold” PAPI “surprise”.

Matterall, you’ve lost all credibility.

Just wow.

He was so busy theorizing, he didn’t read his own chat.

#1

The following is a paid advertisement for the Mittani’s prestigious Princess Aiko Foundation.

Last year, CCP scammed everyone who invested in the bounty system. Miners spent billions of isk on me, James 315, and other esteemed members of the community. Subsequently, CCP removed the bounties, and they have not bothered to refund any of the payments. Fortunately, someone else has created a new bounty scam.

This new bounty system doesn’t change anything. The only people who can claim bounties are existing members of Pleb Force, and payouts are dependent upon the capricious whims of evildoers Githany and Wah. In other words, if you don’t like gankers, you can send isk to antigankers, and they will find a way to waste your money.

It thus came to pass, that none other than Princess Aiko, became the most wanted woman in the galaxy. I suppose it was always meant to be. Yes, by the way, Aiko actually is 7’9″ tall, and she dominates the WNBA.

Down Bad Bros

Yesterday, we learned about Lazar us.

He still doesn’t want to purchase a mining permit.

After completing the Highsec tutorial, he invaded Pochven.

He deleted the resulting twelve hour diatribe, but the gist of it…

…is he has a fetish for fellatio.

Those of you who watched, know what I’m talking about.

Krig Povelli also showed up for the party.

Adopting miner lingo, Krig showed himself to be cool.

Even the Saviourette herself made a surprise guest appearance.

The look on his face was truly priceless.

After a stunned silence, Lazar lashed out against all women, denouncing the fact that a hot piece of ass cocksucking whore BITCH is able to turn all of Highsec into a cuckold incel simpfactory, just because she takes pictures of her tits and sends them daily to James 315. What can I say, Amouranth is my mentor, and (let’s be real) even Lazar admitted that he’d love to fuck me.

Lazar’s miner friends tried to defend his position.

Other miners (that I’ve ganked) privately denounced him.

Lazar urged me to suicide IRL.

He urged all of us to commit suicide IRL.

If he meets me in real-life, he’s gonna wreck my pretty face.

He repeatedly called me a “stupid fucking bitch” and wrote angry mails.

@Matterall, I’m the griefer here?

Should CCP cater to carebear space bullies?

Nobody likes him.

When he visited null, my boyfriend paid him a visit.

Yo boy, you down bad bruuuh, lamao!

Fortunately, lazar intends to continue losing EVE.

That’s fine with me!

 

Fortnite is Plebville

Fortnite is for plebs. In a world of blind poors, the one-eyed man is king. It was thus that Lazar us declared himself a ‘professional’, and decided to up his game. He downloaded EVE, started a corporation ‘squad’, and became a BILLIONAIRE Highsec miner. Someone stole his first Orca, but Lazar continued his space adventure.

Lazar was pleased to have so many new Twitch viewers, but was disturbed by the random ships bumping into him… and the “weird” Jackdaw, Firetail, Tengu, Buzzard, and various Catalysts following him from system to system.

Hiding his location didn’t seem to help.

Lazar was beginning to suspect that EVE is a PvP game.

Before long, his friend was gone.

Carebears whine and complain, claiming that we grief and bully newbros, but we did our best to show that EVE is a worthy challenge.

Lazar appreciated this, and began renouncing his “stupid” friend, making it clear that EVE is only for the most elite gamers. Unfortunately, he judged poorly, and accepted William Rageclaw (of minerbumping fame) as his personal white knight mentor. By the way, if you haven’t read my other blog, now is a good time. Anyways, Rageclaw advised Lazar to try PvE missions, with a predictable carebear result.

Afterward, Lazar’s capsule tried autopiloting to Jita, before returning to Amarr. He raged for hours, cursing anyone and everything (including Rageclaw).

I remember the moment I sat in lowsec, listening to creepy space music, and realizing that I didn’t have a friend in the galaxy. Lazar had this same epiphany in Highsec. His newbro bluster was gone, replaced by a thousand yard stare.

Yes, EVE is a battle royale PvP game, and everyone here is either going to kill you, enslave you, scam you, disappoint you… or seduce you.

He was surprised to learn that I’m a Princess.

Like most men, he soon hit me up on Twitter.

I know how to turn boys into men.

Lazar is finally ready to play EVE.

I wish him the best of luck!

Welcome Back

Welcome back, Ralliana.

As you can see, I moved the community to Safety.

Frankly, I had a lot of help from Lewak.

James. Friend. You can’t go AFK, and let a bottle of booze run your alliance. 

So don’t blame shift at me. I didn’t want this. I loved CODE.

Super cringe.

Be careful!

He’s literally an idiot, irl, fyi.

However, even Super can see the problem with James.

An AFK saviour is no saviour at all.

He ignored Globby.

He even ignored the #1 PvP champion of all time.

Loyal wasn’t bluffing.

James forced a fateful decision.

Sometimes, we need new leadership.

That’s right.

Many people say that I am sensational.

Others think I’m just a nice lady.

One thing is crystal clear.

The law is immutable.

Your consent is not required.

Thanks for understanding.

Be well. o7

 

 

Kills of Yet Another Week!

Kills of Some Preceding Week

Wow, just when you thought the CODE. was finally dead, it somehow keeps going. Here are some crabby miners, who faced justice during the week of August 13.

***

Matumba F knew what she was getting into, that’s why she joined a corporation called Dead Squad. She got everything she bargained for. Great!

***

UEDKnight also went for thematic roleplay, joining The Superior NPC Corporation. Apparently, bot aspirants really do aspire to become NPCs. Well, his wish was granted, and he was dunked in seconds, just like a real NPC! Wonderful.

***

Gothryc Bumgardener thought working for an inflammable powder factory would keep his ship from exploding. Unfortunately, when exposed to neutron radiation, everything burns. Can you believe, he was defeated by gay pride? BOOOOM!

***

v3rmin isn’t just a miner, he’s a smuggler. Within the cargohold, Billy discovered a secret stash of tritanium, with traces of pyerite and isogen!

***

Everybody hates moonpire, and for good reason. marco has been getting great kills, but I just love seeing him dunk these depots. The EVE community thanks you!

***

Ibowto Noone had a bad attitude, and was just chilling and relaxing, when she was erased by my good friend Berger. Good fight!

***

Dunked Miners of This Here Half Fortnite

Kills of the Previous Week

Oi, check it. Here be some dumb bunnies, fleeced between October 6 at some time and October 12 at some later time. That’s one week, right? Aight.

***

I recently found CCP Alpha lurking about. During the initial skirmish, I am ashamed to admit, I failed to kill him. I should have brought a blob, cuz all I managed to kill was a nearby Hecate. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. My bad.

Fortunately, Cargo Bandit felt sorry for me, and brought reinforcements.

Here is damning proof that CCP Alpha was AFK.

Like most miners, CCP Alpha is a liar, but at least he appreciates me.

Afterward, he bought a new Endurance, demanded a rematch, and logged off.

***

Juxta Blix is a typical carebear, who thinks New Eden is divided into warring factions. In reality, everybody is united against the bot mining menace. In order to hunt down Juxta, a combined taskforce was formed, representing CODE., Goonswarm, Pandemic Horde, and Did He Say Jump? Are we jumping?

Juxta was feeling a little salty.

 

It wasn’t clear what side of the war Juxta is on. He blocked me, so I couldn’t reply, but he agreed to a follow-up interview with Whadda Badasaz.

Juxta obviously isn’t upset.

***

Molten Wreck knew the wind was coming from the north, and he assumed this was just the start of another ice storm. However, something went horribly wrong, and his ship is now a… molten wreck. Good fight!

***

Mikhoel Avrom loved his fancy ship, but apparently he wasn’t quite ready to fly it. GAY PRIDE wrecked him BOOOOOM! SICO DOWN!!

***

Svendolina Tuttolo lost a 20 billion isk freighter to the Snuggle Society. After all these years, people still don’t know how to survive in Highsec. That’s not funny.

***

Too Ducky didn’t lose his pod in Highsec, lowsec, nullsec, or some dusty wormhole. He lost his pod in abyssal space, which is also my space. WTF? I guess it’s time to steal mom’s credit card again. Here’s a pro tip: You don’t need all those implants.

Too was probably AFK. They always are.

***

EXTRA CREDIT: Several agents have been practicing forkbomb techniques.

 

How are you spreading the CODE?

 

Zabójstwa Tygodnia

Kills of the Previous Week

Cześć przyjaciele! Today is Sunday, so here are some niedźwiedzie, purified between November 29 @ 00:00 and December 5 @ 23:59.

***

Good ol Cutchybank never ceases to amaze us. This is his third appearance, and lately he has been trying to reign in his expenses. Nevertheless, he’s still blinged out like a madman, and I’m gonna guess that Votre Dieu knows exactly where to find him.

***

AnderwwwDeathGrind intended to grind hard, until the day he died. It all happened so fast, he didn’t even have time to board his escape capsule.

Antiganking carebears have responded with a flurry of forum posts.

***

FreaZy Akachi didn’t anticipate MrDiao would have a warp disruptor, nor did he expect the Triglavians to grief him. Good fight!

***

killdashnine knew two things about CODE. First, we are afraid of lowsec. Secondly, we don’t shoot ships that can shoot back. Therefore, he felt totally safe. Unfortunately, Julian Snelders ganked him with an Astrahus. Elite PvP! The word in the belt is that killdashnine was upset, because someone shot a Venture.

***

Adrian IV stuffed his battleship full of blueprints, and tried to plow straight through Sivala. As you might imagine, it just didn’t work.

***

blu c blu filled his head with the usual garbage, and died.

Marbhadh na Seachdain

Here are some mathain, defeated between November 22 @ 00:00 and November 28 @ 23:59.

***

Direwolf2000 thought he could pick a scary name, and use an innocent looking Orca to smuggle a Hel blueprint through Uedama. However, Dolphin Don and Nitetime Video weren’t afraid of the big bad wolf.

***

Klorel Hakaari decided to fly another Hecate, directly against the North Wind. I don’t know who is coming up with these zany doctrines, but they are stupid.

***

Antiganking goofus Alice Blacktail also had a cunning plan. She fitted her Venture with green stuff, and patiently waited in the belt. She didn’t have to wait long, and Alleil Pollard dropped in for a quick chat. Afterward, Alice gloated in public, because she ‘killed’ Alleil. What a dummy dumdum!

***

Xrea Nefarious didn’t want to fly his battleship in Highsec, where evil ganker griefers might extirpate him, so he went into hiding. However, IllumuIll Estemaire and Celedion Warseraph found him in the Vale of the Silent. Killboard awarded them each 94 points, so it was a fair fight. No blobbery here!

***

Catalyst Jhonson 1 was happily mining in her Vindicator, when she encountered a real Catalyst. Unfortunately, her head was full of junk, and she died. Sad!

Ye Olde Killinges o’thine Weeke

Previous Kills of the Week

Oi, and well met me lubbers. Ere be some berran that be deaden o’twixt the weeke o’ November 14 @ 00:00 and November 21 @ 23:59.

***

Haha, I lied! Pharos Rollett died last week, but his memory lingers, and this certainly qualifies as a Kill of the Week. People keep asking whether ganking is profitable, and I just shake my head. Others tell me how easy it is, and I wonder why everyone isn’t doing this. I’ll tell you what, the northern wind doth verily blow cold and fierce, so I’d sure hate to be a dumb goofus trying to haul stuff in a destroyer.

***

Cutchybank died again! OMG. This is his second appearance here, and I imagine we will see him again. I occasionally wonder whether it’s ethical to encourage carebears to swipe their credit card and buy pixels from CCP. I guess it’s a lot like playing poker, in the basement of a strip club. Don’t spend what you can’t afford to lose!

***

Sometimes a jump freighter forgets to jump, and they just AFK meander into Uedama, where they die for no real reason at all. Who knows what Ella Ponz was thinking, but at least now she is with her dead friends.

***

Lemmann Russ had a nightmare. When he woke up, he realized it wasn’t a dream. Some people say that CODE. is a joke, but Never Gonna SeeGrandKids is pretty serious. He misses them dearly, and has nothing better to do with his time.

***

Rak Kronos really doesn’t like CODE. He proved it by CONCORDing his Vindicator on an innocent Astero. Learza Thiesant was rather surprised to be ‘ganked’, and hopes to experience this again. I suppose it’s the equivalent of dropping a Talos on a Venture. Kudos to Rak for his inspired determination, but he might want to consider the longterm financial efficacy of his ganking operation. Try using a Catalyst! 

***

I’m sure glad that I’m on a winning team with Zopiclone, and not in a loser mining corporation with Imelda Virpio.

***

BONUS CONTENT

Nitetime Video killed a streamer. This bear used inappropriate language, and wondered why he was targeted. I know why. He didn’t have a mining permit.

***

DOUBLE BONUS

In the sandbox, everything you do has the potential to cause endless ramifications which echo across spacetime. When I ganked Pranav Singh‘s Orca, I had no idea this would awaken a PvP champion. Good job Pranav, I hope you keep going! I guess Princess Aiko truly is the promised Saviourette. I’m here to help.