The Best Revenge, Part 88

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Persona Avia Naali, aka Mittens 2.0a, aka Aiva Naali, aka Lord Anarky, aka the Gewnfuehrer, was safe and sound within Goonswarm Federation’s climate controlled quarantine bunker. Here, he outlined a new fleet doctrine, as Princess Aiko patiently took notes.

The class 2u trap appears to be an attractive young miner, but like a Q-ship from the First World War, it can quickly online hidden armaments. Meanwhile, class 1b general balance counter ganking vessels (GBCGV) offer a discrete middle ground between pure trap and actual mining ship. class 1b fits are custom designed for special ops, featuring blingy fits, disqualifying them for SRP. Indeed, GBCGVs represent the cutting edge of doctrine, efficient for both mining and combat. In conjunction with the top secret project dog box, Goon FCs have tools which can be adapted for any situation. With a roadmap to victory, it is up to fitting teams to finalize specific details.

As we now know, Agent Anvil, aka the Kingpin, humiliated TEST, via the infamous fleet dance. Several members of Goonswarm have experience in marching band, working night and day to coriogrife a spectacular show which caught TEST scouts by surprise. The dinosaurs watched with awe and amazement, as red triangles formed hypnotic patterns. All of this was mere distraction, as Avia the Magician snuck an entire battlefleet deep into TEST. Vily cried foul, and indeed it was another ‘first’ in EVE history. However, believe it or not, when avia initially devised these strategies, there was little fanfare.

Princess Aiko was overwhelmed by avia’s brilliance, and didn’t know how to respond. Of course, she conveyed avia’s orders to James 315 and the Mittani, but when avia paused  — there was silence. aiva might have felt like Sun Tzu, trying to teach the concubines, and wondering whether any would understand. Finally, avia addressed the Princess directly. Could she assemble the dirty dozen, a team of hardcore PvP specialists, the worst of the worst, who would lead assault fleet toward a glorious victory?

She responded, and avia understood the Swarm would obey his orders unconditionally, no matter the cost. As the fleet dance unfolded in beautiful splendour, the assault fleet penetrated deep into Vily’s soft blonde underbelly.

The dirty dozen could expect heavy losses, and many bees would die horrifically once Vily’s dinosaurs realized the fleet dance was a shameless trap, but these losses would only sharpen the Swarm and ensure strategic victory.

It was all about numbers, and the Suppercomputer done did the math.

Unfortunately, he accidentally sent PLEX to Dolphin Don, who failed to win election by proxy as Saviour of Highsec. Princess Aiko narrowed her eyes, confronting Don with a shrill tone, and an evil glint which would brook no defiance. Don meekly complied, acknowledging the new political reality of the New Order. Yea, and verily did James see what had been done, and he knew the succession is secure. 

To be continued…

 

The Best Revenge, Part 87

The Best Revenge Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James315.Space… Emperor avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka the Suppercomputer, was quarantined in Goonswarm’s Fuehrerbunker. Here, he was protected by Princess Aiko, and kept safe from Dolphin Don’s tweepsy Pandemic tentacles. He was also assisted by a friendly Slackbot, an automated farming system designed to keep avia fully informed of important news and developing events.

It wasn’t clear whether Fraternity was planning a haymaker offensive, or a mere tactical assault, but Slackbot had faith that Globby’s successor would understand how to deal with Goonswarm’s restless enemies.

As avia explained, channeling Sun Tzu, there are two methods of defending on a system size scale. You might dance around, warping here and there, until the enemy is bored to death. On the other hand, you can dock up, until they start pounding on Keepstars. Subsequently, you should chase them away! In either scenario, Slackbot advises regular hand-washing, to avoid ingesting germs and detrius.

A man of the people, avia would often pause to acknowledge the heroic efforts of common line members, praising them in his Message of the Day.

From time to time, Emperor avia, aka Agent Anvil, would read MinerBumping.com, where he noticed that the propaganda department was infringing upon matters of operational security. Therefore, he ordered Aiko to bop James 315.

Indeed, considering how many Keepstars and faction Fortizars have been lost, it is clear that James made a grievous blunder. Why didn’t he coordinate the message with his favourite ‘lil bullet? Now you understand why I had to bop James, as avia’s own theorycrafting has been turned against the mighty Federation!

avia enjoyed taunting his arch-nemesis, Pan Fam Joe, the lead theorycrafter for Pandemic Horde. At times, he would also deride CSM Sort Dragon. However, perhaps the goading went too far, as Pan Fam Joe and CSM Sort Dragon began to fill TEST executor Vily’s silly blonde head with thoughts of mutiny.

Many people believe that avia did not anticipate Vily’s treachery, but the archives show that avia expected TEST to cancel the non-aggression pact. Vily begged everyone to “please ignore” her mobilization, but avia saw through the deception. Indeed, in early May, the Kingpin began preparing for a two-front war against both Pandemic Horde and TEST. Praise be upon Emperor avia!

It is only through avia’s leadership, and restructuring of the Delve superhighway (with displaced renter ghettos), that we managed to halt the enemy and prepare our Great Counteroffensive. Verily, avia has full faith.

Vily is a robotic double traitor, and must be humiliated!

In order to crush Vily, avia developed the now famous fit tree design doctrine. As you know, class 1c ships form the bulwark of our line, supplemented by class1c1 long range and class1cs short range vessels. Meanwhile, class2c fit fast attack ships harass the enemy, distracting them from advancing class 3c sledge hammers. Behind enemy lines, class 4c fangs conduct unrestricted submarine warfare, whilst class 5 c mage battles provide field engineer /support. In reserve, to keep enemy titans at bay, class 1u ballquals are deployed to encumpis the hive. If James wasn’t forcibly retired, he probably would have revealed this doctrine prematurely, but we can now confirm that it caught Vily by surprise! Sources report that she is truly HUMILIATED by our glorious fit tree design fleet. 

Of course, no doctrine is complete without a few trick fits…

To be continued..

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #214

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #213

Listening to: Techno House Music Jazz Techno
(featuring Lewak‘s elite parkour)

The Highsec Miner Grab Bag isn’t truly a bag of mail, it’s actually just a folder of screenshots, which sits nicely between two polar opposites: Dracvlad and Guybertini. On the far left is a folder with the final instructions and testament of James 315, and on the far right is a growing case file on notorious criminal Hazen Koraka.

Indeed, my folders are continuously arrayed in this pattern of opposing magnetic forces, with Koraka’s inept random antiganking attempts being perfectly countered by the wise strategic musings of James. Of course, James anticipated the Jamespocalypse, and left me with clear instructions on what to do in the event of his ascension. Someday, when I am an old princess limping around my palatial study, I will publish this final testament. It is truly a treatise worthy of intense study, alongside those written by such legendary gankers as Marcus Aurelius, Musashi, Vegetius, and Sun Tzu.

Each screenshot in the Grab Bag reflects an epic story of heroism, a snapshot of the New Order’s glorious history. For example, stoneface Killervent was sorely dismayed, upon learning he might be expected to pay a penny per day to remain in Highsec. He packed his bags and headed for lowsec, where stoneface Corporation has lost 4.5 billion isk, without accomplishing anything. Despite these losses, they do not dare return to face judgment. They are 100% snuggly ‘pirates’! Perhaps they steal hugs?

At the bottom, I’ll show their one ‘kill’. Can you guess how they did it?

GuiltyDog Denver lost his Venture back in January, and vowed to stop mining forever. He was recently interviewed, and it appears he is not doing well.

We have been learning miner speak. Here is how a crab says “Fuck you, you fucking creatures. Aiko Danuja, suck my cock!” Gross!

Look miners, my boyfriend is God, so you better watch what you say to me. Of course, women are not the only victims of sexual harassment.

I kind of liked the images, but for some reason he stopped sending them.

Hey, it’s not a “High Security” zone because it’s safe to mine. It’s high-security because we enforce the law. Would you start digging at the airport?

EVE University fellow Valiran Teleros has been interning at the prestigious Why Was I Ganked? channel, where he teaches a course on reality.

 

Overall, miners seem pleased with my governance of Highsec. Although they are unhappy about their punishments, they enjoy being civilized.

When you are on the E-team, getting dunked on daily, it’s always nice when the Harlem Globetrotters make time to teach you a couple neat tricks (and some valuable life lessons). Of course, there are always a few bad sports.

Surprisingly, some miners don’t believe I’m a real-life teenage princess.

Princess Aiko Honoured in Amarr

That thread featured an encounter with Arrendis, an incompetent writer (and failed logistician) who is eternally jealous of James 315.

For example, look what grumpy Arrendis had to say about dear James, within my James 315 Day post. It’s just positively shocking. 

Calm down miner.

Regardless, most people instinctively acknowledge my elite noble lineage, and they understand that I’m definitely not roleplaying.

It’s just a real pleasure to spend time with me.

 How about that stoneface Corporation ‘kill’?

When do the days get better?
Tell me, when do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
Well, the days get better, when you decide.
When you decide.
When do the days get better?
The days get better, when you decide.

 

The Best Revenge, Part 83

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Listening to (while dunking Ventures): Spartaque

Previously on James315.Space… The new Goonswarm emperor in training is quantum, aka Aiva Naali, aka 140, aka Fighter Jets GuitarSolo, aka anaCheeya ANARKY, who decided one day to demand a situation report from Fleet Command.

Fortunately, his martial instincts enable him to grasp the situation before his Lieutenants can even respond. Our Goonfuehrer grasps the galactic battlefield with what the Emperor Napoleon described as the ‘coup d’oeil’ or ‘stroke of the eye’. With a mere glance into space, he can readily surmise the optimal strategy.

James was always a simple man, and he often railed against the so-called N+1 problem. However, Agent Anvil understands that you can always +1 to infinity, which means that an n+! approach will inevitably one-up your opponent. It is a doctrine of sheer brilliance, and sometimes brute force is what we need. He also issued a spur of the moment doctrine update, with an inspiring speech. Sun Tzu couldn’t have said it better.

Unfortunately, the High Command struggled to keep up with this voluminous content, and let me tell you from experience — running a galactic space empire is a lot of work! When 315 aka Tweeps aka Loyalanon aka Kalloornded aka Globby aka Chribba came into Teamspeak and offered to sell me the mighty CODE. alliance, provided I agree to write the blog and promptly transfer the $23,500 I got from Kelroth, I thought it sounded great. Like all that good karma was finally catching up to me.

However, sometimes I wish I bought more space shoes.

Quantum was no mere puppet, and he casually let the Goon Navy know his supper weapons were built with hidden mechanics. If they were ever misapplied or turned against the ‘lil bullet, hellfire would rain down upon Fortress Delve.

Hours turned into days, as Princess Aiko composed the final draft.

Good news! The elite strikeforce Wolf Squadron was still able to muster nearly 96 combat ready vessels, penetrating deep behind enemy lines in heroic suicide attacks. Meanwhile, only a quarter of the fleet had been lost to theft, defection, and outright incompetence. It was, as they say, “within parameters”. There was only one concern, the Wolves wanted to swap out their cloaks and upgrade to maximum fighting fits. With an imperious tone, the Kingpin waved his hand and unleashed the Wolves!

Quantum still needed reports from Lanceing Team, Main Fleet, and the Venerated Old Guard League of Spooky Cap Hunters.

To be continued…

Do Your Own Thing

On Your Own Terms

Follow Your Curiosity

Get What You Came For

There Are No Constraints

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Kill

Welcome to EVE!

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Odbayar was delighted to learn that mining permits are just 30 million isk, and every purchase qualifies for instant doubling. He wanted to get rich quick, greedily applying for liberal handouts.



Whadda Badasaz was generous, offering to quadruple Odbayar’s isk. Even better, if Odbayar signed up today, he would qualify for an extra BONUS.


Agents of the New Order are always eager to help newbros, and began patiently explaining how to create an official business contract.

Odbayar began voluntarily transferring his assets.


Many EVE players would let Odbayar dwell in isolation, without content, but our CODE. agents encouraged Odbayar to develop his own story.

Odbayar was happy to finally be playing EVE.

Odbayar originally claimed that he only had one ship, but this was revealed to be a rotten lie. He was trying to scam our elite agents, pretending to have nothing left, and yet he always managed to pull one more item out of his hangar. As Sun Tzu famously wrote, “You can squeeze water from a rock, if you squeeze gently.”



Odbayar explored his inventory, and was amazed to find forgotten items. Fortunately, Princess Aiko was willing to liquidate everything.

 

To be continued…

BONUS: Blake McAllister of New Order Mining Authority has produced this poster, perfect for your bedroom wall.

 

 

A New Blog, for a New Order

Previously on MinerBumping

Hello there, old friend… and a Merry Fourth to you! Hey, why don’t you come in, and stay awhile? Pardon all the dust, I’ve been remodeling. There’s been a lot of newfangled changes, and… you want to discuss the New Order? Well my, that’s quite a subject, where should I begin?

“…a whiny highsec miner is hardly capable of writing history; his participation is limited to having his profanity-laced tears collected and published in a coherent narrative…”

Less than a fortnite ago, I was a humble agent of the Order, joining fleets and having beers with the boys; I even played Minecraft with Loyal. Naturally, I always wanted to know what it was like in the trenches, but as a daughter of the New Order, my ascension was inevitable. Always!

Boyo, those were the days…

Do you remember William Greer, of Pearl River?

“Which brings me to those who still have questions about a world in which there are no new MinerBumping posts. For one thing, there is great prestige to be had in going back and reading everything again from the beginning.”

Of course, if you are too busy or illiterate to read your complete annotated guide to EVE history, Angelos Mortis has concisely summarized an Idiot’s Guide to MinerBumping. Thank you kindly, Angelos!

Not to blare my own trumpet, but MinerBumping is quite a blog. One of the great works of non-fiction. What’s that? You want a sequel? Oh my… I don’t know about that friend, writing is a lot of work and surely I’ve got better things to do with my valuable time…

“It’s a great time to think about how awesome the Code is and how lucky we all are to be experiencing it… As unimaginable as it is, I’m going to help you imagine a world without the Code.”

Scary, eh? That’s what happens when you lack full faith! Fortunately, the mighty Code is more powerful than any miner, and shall always be enforced by those who have the will and (more importantly) the ability. As Sun Tzu once said, “When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature, they will like the strong horse.” That’s reality my friend.

A lot of Highsec miners have been afraid. Without the guiding light of our Saviour, who will save them? Did they really think He was gone? Did they really think He is AFK? As you know, your local highway police will document the shameful exploits of a goofus, and plaster their foolish face upon a billboard. Our fair government understands that public shaming is not a form of cruel bullying, but merely the only appropriate reaction. 

Oh dear. What can I say? Calm down miners.

Anyways, why don’t you come back tomorrow, and we can talk about all this foolishness. Would you like that? 

To be continued…