Various Happenings

Ernst Steinitz heard disturbing rumors, emanating from the belt.

After a thorough investigation, the rumormonger was apprehended.

Pix Severus has also been placing containers.

I hope Pix is still placing containers. I’d like to see more of them. 

Did you ever play agar.io? I was talking with Krig Povelli, and we agreed that EVE Online is basically the exact same game. You go around eating little mining dots, and it’s funny when carebear blobs explode.

There’s a lot of funny stories, I can’t possibly tell them all. Like the time antiganking Satanist Winky Winkers666 was defeated by empty pods in Uedama. Apparently, he accidentally shot a new ganker, and CONCORD jumped in to help the newbro.

Oof, I’m tired. I wanna tell you about Globby though.

Globby is one of the best players in the game, and when I heard Goonswarm was beset by carebear hordes, I agreed to let him save the Delve. Here, like the Marquis d’Lafayette, he teaches nullbears about the CODE. Globby’s great victory in the battle of 5-CQDA will long be remembered as a turning point in the history of EVE.

Here’s a livefeed of Pandemic comms.

Globby is awesome.

Primary is… uh…

He’s the best.

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 93

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… The long Antarctic winter cast frigid winds across the southern hemisphere, and the mighty High Lord Space Star avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka Australian Excellence, aka loyalanon, aka aka, was determined to survive long enough to seize control of the galaxy.

avia was concerned the Horde might attempt a winter offensive.

Meanwhile, Goonswarm’s elite Military Intelligence SIG reported otherwise.

Princess Aiko did not share avia’s concern, but he knew better. The vile double traitor Vily might, at any moment, decide to betray the Swarm.

Indeed, the strategic balance of power was shifting, exactly as avia planned.

Triumphant in his glory, the ‘lil bullet, aka 140, knew victory was in his grasp.

His terms are most merciful.

Pandemic Horde will be exiled to Highsec, and that whore Elise Randolph will be sentenced for life to Kamio IV belt 4, permanently confined in a mining Tarya. With these details settled, avia returned to the ongoing war.

Inspired by the tale of Globby, avia continued to produce new supperweapons.

The Suppercomputer also ordered the creation of a wormhole truck stop.

At times, it was necessary to address financial matters, and avia requested that his personal secretary, Princess Aiko, provide him with an official receipt.

Finally, she processed the requisite paperwork.

The Director Level Buyin Confirmation Security Card serves as High Lord avia’s official laminated ID badge, allowing top security clearance in all Goonswarm affiliated organizations (including the town of Pearl River). Furthermore, it doubles as an Ice Mountain Ski Pass, during the annual alliance trip to Colorado Springs.

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 91

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously in James 315 Space… Goonswarm has a new FC, the High Lord Sky Marshal avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka ‘lil Mittens, aka James 315 2.0, aka He Who Knocks Upon Stars. avia recently transcended space, time, and basic mechanics, learning to master the ultimate power of the galaxy. Rat bombs and rweaking ballquals exploded across nullsec, as avia developed increasingly powerful supperweapons, becoming the first capsuleer in history to proclaim himself Queen of the Rats.

Unfortunately, the power of a rat queen is too awesome to behold, and avia forbid Goonswarm to ever use this weapon of sheer terror and infinite destruction. Even if all of Delve were lost to the Horde, and the Horn of Gondor shattered asunder, only a fool would dare to summon the dread Leviathan Cthulhu.

Now that he possesssed infinite power, avia resumed taunting Pandemic Horde from the MinerBumping.com blog comments. As avia knew, MinerBumping was the center of the Imperium, and an ideal place to humiliate his enemies.

Pandemic Horde spies worked overtime to try and mislead avia, pretending that there was no war at all. However, the truth is now plain as day.

avia gloated over his foolish adversaries, revealing that the entire war has been just a mere training exercise for the Imperial Navy.

As Pandemic Horde writhed in misery, caught in avia’s web of training skank traps, he dutifully made another payment to fund the mighty swarm.

Now that bills were paid, it was time to issue new orders.

AGBee 001 was directed to make a leap frog attack. Meanwhile, lanceing fleet caused chaos, and cloaky wolves permanently blocked the road to Jita. In the rear, a line of rorquals firmly blocked Pandemic counterattacks.

With their frontline torn asunder, Pandemic Horde was sorely unprepared for phase II of the operation. Sleeper agents, hidden inside the Horde for years, suddenly awoke and volunteered for guard duty. These spies let dancing fleet slip deeper inside Horde’s inner nest, triggering awestruck confusion wherever they might cast their allure. In turn, this provided cover for logistics spies, who systematically photographed schedules, and placed grenades into the very cogs of Pandemic industry.

However, could avia survive a harsh Antarctic winter?

To be continued…

***

BONUS VIDEOS: Have you ever wondered what Ventures do after they get podded? Where do they go, what do they think about? Fortunately, McDubbzyTTV was streaming his own afterlife. Is this the start of a war?

 

 

 

 

Good Morning Kiddo, Part 2

Previously in James 315 Space… Governor Lee aspires to Absolute Order, and Yes Mr Cheng is a good boy (who has done nothing wrong). I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. In Star Trek, there is an alternate opposite universe, where everyone good is evil, and everyone evil is good. In this bizarro dimension, James 315 is a space Maoist, who yearns to be the Servitor of Highsec. Instead of successfully ganking illegal miners, Absolute Order agents prefer to failgank innocent Catalysts. 

Yes Mr Cheng was minding his own business, when his twisted alter ego opened fire with a Caracal Navy Issue. Krase Stolkar didn’t do any damage, but he nevertheless proceeded with Absolute Order protocol, declaring a backwards victory. Apparently, there was a method to this madness. While Mr Cheng was laughing about the suicide Caracal, Krase reshipped and smuggled an entire Orca through Isanamo!

When Sargon noted that he now has a killright, Krase wasn’t amused.

The following day, Krase decided it was time to write an essay.

Krase is a tycoon, earning as much money as a sweatshop worker in Bangladesh!

He isn’t upset about his Caracal.

In real life, Krase has a Haas Super Mini Mill.

He also owns multiple budget carriers.

I hope to learn more about the renewed adventures of Governor Lee, and his merry band of Absolute Order rogues.

 

Fuck! #2

Fuck! #1

I woke up, admiring my long legs, in a beam of Uedama sunlight. Jason Kusion poured me a nice cool glass of cucumber water, “Hello, beautiful!” Dolphin Don chimed in, “Good morning, Princess.” Krig added, “Hey, baby.” It was the start of another great day, but I wasn’t sure what to put in my awesome award-winning blog. I undocked in my beloved pink Catalyst, which has 3887 killmarks, and reclined in my premium pod goo. Finally, I checked my email, and realized exactly what I want to do.

This is some unknown indecipherable sub-dialect of… Cebuano?

Yes, beautiful Cebuano, the language of Vasaya.

I think I know what he means…

The poor fellow lost a Venture.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Primary is the Providence.

 

Shoot on landing.

 

 

A hard knock

OFFICIAL NEW ORDER ANNOUNCEMENT

As your Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce a promo contest.

I would never want my actions to conflict with the infallible judgment of James 315, so I cleared this with him via seance, and the ouija planchette pointed at me. I suspected that Kroppina was manipulating the board, but Alt 00 saw it move autonomously. This demonstrates that James truly loves me. I also sat for three hours in a dark room, watching a candle, and it flickered when I whispered his name. Once again, this confirms beyond doubt, that I am the one true heiress to anything and everything.

With great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to officially endorse this contest. James wouldn’t want us to merely sit in station, docked up and praising his name ad nauseam. He always detested sycophants, who need him to authorize each and every decision. Nor is he satisfied with those who merely undock and gank. He expects us to be civil, creating art and culture, beyond the bare minimum. I know this, because we are intimately mind melded, forever and ever. Amen.

I agree wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no interest in EVE Online, but I have every interest in the Order. This galaxy was once ruled by a fickle demon, the cheater BoB. James killed this beast, and a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. In this way, the galaxy finally became interesting, and with the help of the VCBees (and a certain Khanid princess), James saved everyone from eternal boredom.

Once upon a time, Katia Sae decided to visit every star system, and took screenshots to document her journey. This sounds absolutely dreadful, mainly because Katia refused to engage in any actual gameplay. When other spaceships appeared, she would simply log out of her client, waiting for them to go away. In some cases, a stalemate would last weeks, and it took more than a decade for Katia to navigate her tiresome path. CCP likes to celebrate this ‘amazing’ journey, but it’s really just a testament to how incredibly boring EVE can be. Some players literally spend years doing nothing much.

Alani Prinz offers 315 Catalysts, to whomsoever submits the best photo. Since the rules are unclear, I will make them up as I please. Our contest will continue for at least one month, and there must be contestants. Images should be high resolution, and full screen. Furthermore, they must show someone doing something honorable, like piloting a Catalyst or dunking a Venture. As an example, Alani submitted this fine image.

***

Of course, a Saviourette’s work is never done.

Mrs Curtain is a plebeian of Hard Knocks, which rents several wormholes from me. When she accidentally fell out of her hole, Ernst kindly evicted her.

James would be proud, to know that Ernst is still out there, keeping Highsec safe from riffraff and vagrants. Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain did not appreciate his hard work. Instead of paying rent, she tried to scam him!

Ernst is no stranger to wormholes, and he sternly advised Mrs Curtain to speak with her feudal overlord. Educate yoself!

As you should know, Loroseco is a powerful friend in j-space.

If you ever get suspicious, that everyone in the galaxy is conspiring against you, well — they probably are (the exact same people).

Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain doubted the truth.

Someday, she will learn the hard way (again).

*WARNING*

Yonder day of judgment be nigh at hand!

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome to EVE

I’m not really sure how Vashda became stuck in my web, but I was summoned to Twitch, and found him reading with gusto.

Vashda seems to appreciate Princess Aiko.

 

He was impressed by my resume…

 

…and acknowledges the New Order as EVE Online’s most elite guild.

He sincerely values our glorious culture.

He understands our sassy attitude.

Vashda knows exactly what Princess Aiko wants.

Check out his stream, where he intends to continue livestreaming the blog.

They claim that we grief newbros, but with just one day in EVE, Vashda was proud to accept an offer to join my glorious alliance. I’m quite happy to save him from boredom, and once you go CODE, there is no other road.

I’m the best recruiter in CODE. history.

Meanwhile, my Why Was I Ganked? channel remains the galactic epicentre.

It’s a great place to make friends and practice typing.

Some miners struggle to make a good first impression.

Many of them are just happy to meet a nice Lady.

They are often surprised to die in Highsec.

Of course, I’m super scared of lowsec.

Just kidding, it’s a lot easier without CONCORD interference.

Sir Jecht was PvP’d before he even reached lowsec.

***

=BREAKING NEWS=

Purgo has announced another glorious victory. This esteemed agent of the New Order is the first person in history to confiscate an illegal sanguine harvester. These are so new, that killboard doesn’t even have a picture for them. It reminds me of how I was the first person to gank a Thunderchild. Regardless, CCP can feel free to continue adding pointless garbage, and we will take out the trash.

Stark Raving Mad, Part 7

Watch this AFK streamer get WRECKED!

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Listening to: The Plan

Previously, in James 315 Space Princess Aiko was once an ordinary gankerette, with perfect breeding, impeccable charm, and endless Khanid wealth. Of course, the Jamespocalypse was nigh, and Aiko intended to supersede Helicity Boson as the Imperium’s Divine Keepstress of Hulks. Could the siren of Orcageddon survive one last challenge from the rebellious Highsec mining caste?

Each day, like clockwork, Lilliana returned to Audaerne.

Lilliana knew the truth. Aiko is a shameless hussie, who slept her way straight to the top. James 315 was thus seduced by Aiko’s vision of a New Order, rejecting Caldari corporate heresies and embracing the pious mercy of Khanid. However, could Lilliana defeat Aiko and seize the High Throne of Halaima for herself?

Lilliana’s alt VictorStark Stark sacrificed an Orca, in a vain attempt to impress James. Would the future of the mighty CODE. alliance rest upon the AFK leadership of gobloks, non-undockers, and super cringy roleplay carebears? Each and every day, the miners of SICO listened intently as Lilliana made her case, denouncing Aiko and boldly proclaiming herself to be the one true Saviourette.

Lilliana and Victor lost everything they had, including their dignity, but perhaps they could convince Aiko to quit EVE (again)? Some of the SICO bears supported Lilliana, urging Aiko to give them a hasty blowjob before uninstalling.

Inspired by Lilliana, every miner fantasized about how they might run the mighty CODE. alliance, if only James would support their candidacy.

Some prophesied the coming of a carebear messiah.

Others saw themselves as the promised ganking CEO.

Lilliana saw herself as the future of CODE.

She intended to bully Aiko straight out of the game.

However, Aiko has a lot of friends.

Were Aiko’s friends strong enough to endure Lilliana’s abuse?

Aiko had never experienced such discipline.

Perhaps, the Princess was willing to negotiate a truce?

If not, Lilliana would continue until downtime…

Would Lilliana ever calm down?

Finally, it was time for a permanent nap.

Lilliana’s former main, VictorStark, had been reduced to a mere assetless alt. He briefly chimed in, as Lilliana logged off.

The other miners watched sadly, as VictorStark faded from history.

***

BONUS: Do you know what’s going on in Uedama? The Reddit plebs aren’t sure, but perhaps you can chime in and let them know what’s up.

***

Yeah, ayy, uh
I gotta, I gotta, I gotta blap
Yo, yo, yo, ayy

I do this cause I can (yeah)
I just took care of my fam (ayy)
Thought this was always the plan (yeah)

You don’t understand (ayy)
Karttoon just opened the can
No fufu that’s not on my brand (ayy)
Call me when you need a hand (yeah)

Always scrutinized
Must have mixed us with a different group
Spot the truth or lies, I mean business but I’m not in suit and ties
Just been prophesized (yeah, uh)
This fell right into place (yeah)

Liquor and women, two things I don’t chase (uh)
Don’t got a minute to waste (yeah)
Mask off, I’m showing my face (yeah)
They hate so much, it’s a disgrace (uh)
I put ’em back into place (yeah)

Hall of Fame, Aiko’s a shoe in
Ten years, this has been brewing (ayy)

Number one spot, I’m pursuing (ayy)
Exclusive like “Who done let you in?”
Money talks, I speak it fluent

Pack, flip that, making quick stacks
Taking a quick trap nap (yeah)
I go all night and shit, ain’t gotta hide this
This hit’s a freestyle, I ain’t even write this
Thought that was always the plan (ayy)

There’s only one way, there’s only one option
There’s only one route to get there, you know?
And this got more and more digits than a license plate
Them nine-ten figures don’t make themselves, yadadamean?
You gotta get it! This was always the plan

 

 

 

Fuck!

I’m a little busy, because it’s springtime in Uedama.

You might think it’s easy to gank, blog, spy, dictate, negotiate, logisticate, fetch James another beer, and find the time to look so great. However, in reality, it’s all a bit much. Someday, I will not write a blog post. Someday, I will not gank. Someday, I will sleep, but that day is not today. Understandably, miners are often overwhelmed, when they realize that someone else has more isk, more friends, more charm, and more DPS. What can they do about it? Frankly, all they can do is [expletive] die (again).

“Write in Russian, I won’t read your fucking English”

OVERHEARD IN TEAMSPEAK

Jason Kusion, “That’s the gank I live for. Fucking tidi. Fucking Aiko, up there trolling on me. Haha. CONCORD was on grid. I thought faction police were gonna kill us all. It could have jumped but it just sat there. That was definitely one of my better performances.”
Holdmybeer, “Imagine that, flying a triple bulkheaded Ark. Nobody is gonna gank me. Oh wait, where the fuck am I?”
Tweeps, “What the fuck!?!”

Pay Your Rent, Part 2

Previously, in James 315 Space… Newgal pokoko bought PLEX, injectors, and a Marshal. She was ready to play, proudly undocking in Jita. A few seconds later, she found herself in the Why Was I Ganked? channel, wondering what happened.

Cargo Bandit offered to sell a mining permit for 20 billion isk, but pokoko was a tough negotiator, talking the price down to just 18 billion.

Cargo listened patiently, as pokoko explained her concerns.

However, Cargo was busy, and her red timer was about to end. It was a big decision, and (for some reason) pokoko wasn’t entirely sure the mining permit would be worth it, but Cargo made a compelling argument.

Just like that, it was done.

Perhaps, someday, we will hear more about pokoko’s adventures.

Meanwhile, the New Order just keeps winning. Like any good ganker, Cargo Bandit sent a billion isk to my Official Holy New Order Treasury.

P.S. Did you know there is a Korean ganker group that supports the New Order? I’ll give you a hint who – they killed pokoko! They have some kind of Korean website, where they discussed this incident. Here is what people in Korea had to say.

“This crazy hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha”
“That’s fucking funny hahahahaha”

“Isn’t this a violation of EULA?”
“It is content.”

“I was a dolbauk newbie, but the code protects me.”

“Wow hahahahahahaha”

“hahahahahahahahahahahaha”

Don’t be a dolbauk! Join the New Order today!