Furry Problems

Being the leader of a major EVE alliance isn’t all fun and games. From time to time, I must deal with serious ethical issues, in outerspace.

I had just woken up, and was alerted to a developing crisis.

Someone, who is not in my alliance, dunked a Highsec miner.

Consequently, another Highsec miner (who doesn’t have a permit) has vowed to stop supporting my old alliance, CODE. This quickly became an animal rights issue, as staticfxx (and his boyfriend) identify as dogs.

The barnyard was abuzz, and my inbox soon filled with messages, as dog rights activists demanded action against the goose bees. Honkbzz.

Victor left several elements out of his complaint. For example, he was in the mining fleet, and none of them had a mining permit. Come on Victor, you know better. You tried to play yourself as an objective bystander, but you were the aggressor! Yes, Victor started the fight, when he attempted to gank a goose. Furthermore, moments before he was ganked, staticfxx went AFK to “grab munchies” and “take a poop”.

Prophetically, when the miners accepted their mission in Kamio, they praised God for giving them a mission in 0.7 (as they were tired of mining in 0.8). Yes, God sent them to Kamio, and God passed divine judgment upon them.

I initially assumed that staticfxx was ganked for the same reason every other miner is ganked. They all deserve to die. Right? After all, there are furry gankers. There are gay gankers. I’ll even come out of the closet, and acknowledge that I kissed a girl, and I liked it. Oh, yes. Indeed, after I went to staticfxx’s Twitch channel (to investigate crimes against humanity), I discovered another reason to gank.

staticfxx’s boy dogfriend has a bad attitude.

Never in my life, have I been subjected to such abuse, from an uptight hypersensitive dogsplaining cartoon. When I told him it that I’m a feminist, and I deserve to be treated with respect, it said this was a “low blow”. However, it has no qualms about pulling the “furry” card on me. That’s some real hypocrisy!

I don’t care if you identify as a cartoon. However, you shouldn’t expect people to take this seriously. Indeed, the miners didn’t take it seriously. After the gank, they said they “don’t care” about the “pathetic” attack from “108” Catalysts. They claimed to have so much money, they could buy our mom’s house, and kick us out of the basement. Nevertheless, a little sparrow supercarrier began chirping loudly.

You can hide behind a cartoon avatar, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to come into our galaxy, and start doing whatever you want. Everybody is required to purchase a mining permit, including crybaby furries.

I’m truly sorry, but ‘furry’ just isn’t one of the select minority groups protected under the venerated Code of Newe Halaima.

While I personally don’t target furries (nor is there evidence anyone in, or out of, my alliance has ever done so), your boyfriend’s fursona is not protected by the Civil Rights Act of 1968. Please note that sexuality and species are distinct characteristics, and if you truly identify as a dog, you should expect to be treated like one. If I ever see a dog playing EVE Online, I am definitely going to gank it. I like cats.

Now, it might be true that someone targeted this miner, because he is a dog. Woof! It is also possible that someone merely messaged the miner, and said this, without it being true. It may be that nothing was said. I don’t know. What I do know, is that I don’t fly a blingy Marauder, and neither should you (or your dog).

lowsec outreach

As part of our lowsec outreach programme, we are removing Gallente terrorists from former Caldari space. Dodixie democracy is a scam, and ‘their’ stars are rightfully administered by my loyal vassal, the Caldari State.

During the Siege of Fliet, Gallente crabs were evicted by the New Order.

Subsequently, the dead pirate Sheltark Sykari decided it would be ok to pad his Caldari killboard, by whoring on gank catalysts in Uedama. This is a good time to remember that our claim in Uedama is real, unlike the claims of faction warfare roleplayers. I consulted with Dolphin Don, and we agreed it was time.

Don began clearing the gate, removing Sheltark’s morale support barge, piloted by fellow streamer evan mclean (aka Kalle Almighty). Subsequently, we were approached by a frog, Fjun Saraki. Since he was at war with Sheltark, Fjun offered assistance. However, we soon noticed something wrong with Fjun.

Aiko Danuja > the issue is Sheltark will just jump gate
Fjun Saraki > but once he jumps other side is where i want him
Aiko Danuja > can u catch his frigate?
Fjun Saraki > my bc locks slow right?
Aiko Danuja > yep
Fjun Saraki > if i shoot him hes a legal target for me cause im gallente militia
Aiko Danuja > i know this
Fjun Saraki > but then that means im suspect right?

Like most frogs, Fjun was incompetent. Meanwhile, on Sheltark’s stream, we observed Fjun sending salty messages.

I wasn’t sure who to bump first. Neither miner had a mining permit, so how should I prioritize? Naturally, I consulted the Code, which I personally wrote (and loaned to James 315, back in 2012), “I will occasionally have more than one miner whom I could bump. So how should I prioritize? Those who violate the Code will be at increased risk.” With this in mind, I constructed a target priority matrix.

It was close, but the matrix designated Fjun as our target.

It thus came to pass, that Safety agents rescued an antiganker, whilst the antiganker was busily crafting himself another medal.

Sheltark was the happiest ag in the history of Uedama.

Afterward, I updated my tactical matrix.

It was clear what must be done.

Victory!

Storytime, Part 2

Previously, on the bestest blog in galactic history… Ann Mari’s freighter was wrecked in Uedama, and she lost 10 billion isk. Then she lost a jump freighter, and a Golem, finding herself stuck inside a vast spiderweb. The arachnid’s venom was filled with the essence of lonely miners long gone, and Ann Mari was exhilarated and titillated by a cunning plan. What if she paid the gankers to turn on their own Saviourette, humiliating Princess Aiko with erotic stories and outrageous rumours?

Indeed, Aiko has carefully studied Brer Rabbit (aka Sun Tzu). 

Some people are truly invincible.

Some people always have the last laugh.

Please don’t get revenge on me.

I’m just a dumb girl. Please don’t make me cry.

In outer space, there are no limits.

Anne was shocked to learn about 2020 Fanfest.

However, behind the scenes, Aiko and Rakk were conspiring.

How many stories will Ann commission?

This blog post is sponsored by Ann Mari’s Erotic Aiko Fanfic Club.

Everyone had a story to tell.

Buttercup offered an especially humiliating tale.

However, she demanded the money upfront.

I guess it was a scam.

Suddenly, Aiko saw an opportunity…

Some people just always win.

Some people practice witchcraft.

Fw: Re: Demands

Previously, on !MinerBumping… we learned about the camwhores of Uedama, and discovered that Princess Aiko is bad at micromanaging you (unlike James 315, a big strong leader). There was EPIC Danuja salt, after she learned people who don’t log in are unhappy with her inactivity, and this metastorm is expected to last indefinitely.

When Aiko discovered the presence of rival camwhores, she did the one thing that is guaranteed to accomplish absolutely nothing. She reported the bots to CCP, along with screenshots and an evidentiary video.

After a few minutes, CCP concluded a full investigation, determining that humanoid player beings are content to spend all day staring at a Taint Licker (whilst steadily slowly scrolling up and down in local chat).

CCP sent Aiko a dismissive reply, closing the case. As they presumably decided, the real ‘content’ of the stream was Taint Licker himself, and surely the Uedama gatecam was not actually intended to show viewers the gate. 

Aiko just couldn’t stop crying.

She began spewing increasingly EPIC princess salt across the Icelandic wastes.

Fortunately, someone has at least bothered to login and do something. Cheng went after Jim Otsadat’s obvious bot, Hamanin Haginen.

Dolphin Don went after the other camwhores.

Afterward, Sargon wondered if Jim would purchase broadcast rights.

This intrigued Jim, who saw an opportunity to obtain Safety. and eliminate competition.


Sargon has studied my blog, learning the value of an upsell.

Jim is one happy botter.

He just wishes he could get back into my channel: Why Was I Ganked?

No bots allowed!

Now go away. I’m busy planning your schedule.

Cambots

Sargon recently hunted down the Uedama cambot.

Afterward, Dolphin Don hunted down the new cambots.

It was amazing.

If Halaima is Mecca, Uedama is the Strait of Tiran.

All freighters must obtain a valid license.

James is dead, but I am not!

We will purify these heretics.

I’m the Executor of Jihadswarm.

Bee well.

calm down

EVE is a roleplaying game.

I’m not in Conoban anymore.

Unfortunately, someone vanished.

He either quit, or he was permabanned, or he died, or he vanished, or he was arrested, or maybe he’s still there, always watching.

Some say he climbed aboard a giant balloon and sailed to Hek.

So I made my own alliance.

Safety. is like CODE. but with more Aiko.

I’m a Princess of Khanid.

I’m not roleplaying.

You owe me money, in real-life.

I am extorting you, in real-life.

James 315 was a nice guy, but I’m not.

I’m an evil witch.

I love my flying monkeys.

They love me.

Do you play Stellaris?

I am the Crisis.

 

Congrats to GoonSwarm

It’s no secret.

Princess Aiko isn’t a good Goon, or even a greater Groon, although Highsec pubbies suspect otherwise. OHGOD.

It’s a nullsec post.

A long time ago, thanks to karttoon, GoonSwarm became Goonswarm. Some things changed, some stayed the same, and Aiko wondered about all of this. Occasionally, she would glance at a map, and think about the Delve. However, there was little time for fantasies, because the ice interdiction must continue until further notice.

Princess Aiko traveled about, encountering unsavory characters. She sold electron bombs to Olmeca, and shared her recipe for blueberry muffins with a TEST bot. She tried to have a human conversation with Matterall, and was blocked by that whore, Elise Randolph. Aiko wondered, who are the good guys? So she asked James 315 for standings, but he urged her to set aside prejudice, and save miners.

Gradually, Aiko began to reach a conclusion. Perhaps it began with Vily, the double trader, who published autistic demands. More moons, more ore, more freighters, more rats, more missions, more payouts, less ganking. Aiko didn’t like this manifesto. Subsequently, when the Mangos came to Highsec, Aiko watched with dismay. Each little Venture would soon hatch a dozen botting Rorquals. Meanwhile, she encountered a Goon ganker, and then another, and another, and another. Were these the good guys?

One terrible summer, James died, and the galaxy was thrown into a great war. Princess Aiko didn’t know what to do, but some people encouraged her to invade the Delve. An alliance with Vily? Holding hands with Elise? Olmeca was starting to seem a little weird, and Aiko didn’t have a positive impression of these bears. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. She killed a Venture, and began her own war.

Over the next year, Aiko learned that Uedama is real Delve, and the floodplain starts in Jita. She decided that Brisc isn’t that bad, and found herself laughing with Mittens, not at him. Meanwhile, he appreciated her, describing that racist piece of shit Manfred Sideous as the biggest fucking loser in the history of the galaxy. This was comforting, knowing that someone else is doomed to rank beneath Aiko. Who would want to help a racist fuck? Well, Highsec miners, that’s who. Some lost everything, and came back begging for ice. Aiko had no sympathy, for their fate is extirpation.

Ultimately, without Aiko, PAPI had no chance. They didn’t have any decent pilots, or leaders. They certainly didn’t have a princess. Instead of a perfect blog, they had RonUSMC. Understandably, their morale plummeted. PAPI scouts came within sight of the Kremlin, but their jump freighters ran out of fuel, and they never managed to cross the Volga. From Halaima, Aiko could hear desperate mewling from 1DQgrad, and she was amazed by the incompetence. When Lolmecalol (and Matterlol) accused the Mittani of being an alt-right literal IRL Nazi, Aiko carefully studied the evidence…

Aiko is glad she never lifted a finger to support the band of fools, unlike Dunk Dinkle, and smiled when she heard of the Great Retreat. A few minutes later, when Elf Boy announced the war was over, she laughed out loud. It’s obvious who lost, but losing takes time. When you jump off a cliff, you’ve got plenty of time to fall.

 TLDR: Vily bored his alliance to death.

Yikes!

Matterall said this was “inaccurate information” – lol!

Sulley convinced him that Vily was either doing a “cool strategic redeployment”, or this development was of “no strategic significance”. Matterall concluded that this was likely part of a “bold” PAPI “surprise”.

Matterall, you’ve lost all credibility.

Just wow.

He was so busy theorizing, he didn’t read his own chat.

Wind in the head

Valentin lost a Retriever.

Aiko beat him down.

He had a vision of her, in white slippers.


He had to admit, she looks great.

Grarrr America hathathat.

Efil WITCH greefer bully complete shit katoraya!

You are not who without Russia, and you can’t call you what.

Here’s a funny joke.

Miners are weak.

AWOLBJ

Burn Jita 4 is over, for most people, but in the dark depths of the galaxy… a few dedicated souls continue to clean up the mess.

When Miss Blessing lost her Rhea, she probably thought the story was over, but one little semen managed to wriggle away.

Four years later, I found BJBee 591 living a quiet life. She tried to blend in with the miners, but a repurposed Amarrian warship stuck out like a sore thumb.

As the High Queen of Highsec, heiress to Halaima, and Saviourette of the New Order, it is my duty to report BJ crimes to the Imperial Council.

When BJBee 591 learned of her execution, she was not pleased, because this meant that her prized mining Punisher was gone forever.

After some reflection, 591 decided she had more to say.

Surprisingly, 591 was not calm.

In fact, believe it or not, 591 was wealthy.

Nevertheless, she wasn’t coherent.

In fact, the bot began to break down.

It was a sad ending to Burn Jita 4.

Even Brisc Rubal had enough of the BJ.

Kiara Gone Wild, Part 7

Kiara Gone Wild, Part 1

Previously, in Aiko Space… Kiara paid 520 million isk for a retriever, but the Gankers Union was bumping in Uedama. So she had to pay another 10 million…

…and another 10 million…

Actually, she still owes 10 million.

Kiara was running out of money.

She couldn’t even afford insurance.

Everyone was pleased.

Later, Kiara wondered when she would get her retriever.

She waited and waited.

I suppose waiting is relaxing.

Kiara spent a whole day, relaxing in Jita.

The next day, she woke up, ready for her retriever.

She wondered when her shipment would arrive.

She waited and waited.

Then she waited some more.

The end.

BONUS CONTENT

Here is amazing behind the scenes footage of Kiara’s reaction, when she realized she was starring LIVE on james315.space!

Ultimately, Kiara was content.