In the Far Future

Each day of reality is a full year in EvE Online. Obviously, battleships cannot repair catastrophic damage in the blink of an eye, nor can a spaceship accelerate instantaneously to velocities exceeding several thousand times the speed of light. That’s nonsense.

We experience EvE through a relativistic blur. One minute lasts six hours. Consequently, capsuleers are ancient space vampires, hundreds and even thousands of years old.

James 315 died in Poinen, on May 17, 2012. That was three thousand eight hundred and thirty-five years ago.

It’s been nearly a millenia, since we acknowledged this, with a modest funeral. Roleplayers continue to praise an absent messiah, but people without autism move on.

Meanwhile, CCP has waged a Great Crusade against non-profit ganking. Apparently, if you steal billions from a new player, that’s ok. However, if you gank a half penny Venture, then you are a born again griefer. With this in mind, for the past few years, I have been meditating in lowsec. What is the future of ganking, after CCP changes the rules?

Antigankers are so incompetent, that CCP decided to nerf bumping, increase hitpoints, remove tether, and prevent docking. However, if CCP truly doesn’t support PvP gameplay, then why bother? I’ve got better things to do, than fight carebear developers. If they really want to convert EvE into a boring AFK grind simulator, well ok!

Ever since Falcon left CCP, emergent gameplay has been nerfed and restricted. The PvP community has declined, and content has evaporated. James 315 was inspired by Falcon, but today we live in a different reality. It’s no longer the same game.

I was thinking about this last year (yesterday), when I arrived in Gamis. It was here, two thousand years ago, where Kalorned established his home. A lot of people claim James 315 loved them. However, who did James 315 actually write about?

This is for you, Kalooronded.

I made a profit, but that was never my intent.

Mad Cuz Bad

CSM Angry Mustache made a fan art.

Meanwhile, carebears are concerned.

Nova worries about noob jump freighters.

Who will save the newbros?

Nova is delusional.

We met Nova last year, at the Battle of Torrinos.

This is the ‘antiganking main’ of Everess 88.

Everess knows the current year is actually 1985.

After sending me a billion isk, Everess became a former fan.

All antigankers are like totally incompetent.

What a crazy loon!

This is clinical madness.

Thanks for the free killmail!


Taking Out the Trash

Are new players exempt from PvP?

Rookies are, by definition, less than 30 days old.

Although it’s not clear what constitutes “rookie griefing”, it can only occur within a few specific locations.

What exactly is griefing? Nobody knows. I’ve spoken with several gamemasters, and they clearly do not agree with one another. They informed me that CCP has no official definition. Aside from three examples, there is no formal policy.

We are not allowed to scam new players (within a rookie system), or trick them into opening a yellow box, or disrupt the tutorial. However, what happens when a rookie begins mining? They are no longer in the tutorial, so are we allowed to PvP? Indeed, a gank is not a scam, nor a trick, nor is it a scenario in which we “fire freely”.

Is ganking griefing? I find it noteworthy that the rookie griefing policy does not mention ganking, at all.

Only forum trolls claim otherwise.

I’ve asked CCP, whether ganking new players is allowed. If the developers did not want to endanger nubs, then why send them to Hek (a notoriously dangerous system)? I believe the intent is to expose rookies to PvP, via the risk of ganking. I can’t say that CCP agrees, but I asked if they agree, and they certainly did not disagree.

Regardless, Landslide is not a new player.

He died in Eystur, which is neither Lustrevik nor Hek.

He still claimed rookie rights.

What a loser crybaby!

He reported all my accounts.

All of them.

He cried for a long time.

Landslide believes in the Hateless doctrine.

PvP, in a PvP game, is “greefing”.

Landslide decided to take a stand for justice.

He reported everyone.

Subsequently, Landslide followed me to Abudban.

He was on cougar patrol.

The other miners mocked his emotional distress.

The miners didn’t listen to Landslide.

Nobody cared.

Landslide begged Hon Risalo to flee.

However, Hon didn’t want to stop mining.

Indeed, Hon won -46.7 million isk!

Landslide was left crying into the void.

There was nobody left to run away.

The Battle of Brap


I’ve been traipsing through space.

Recently, I found myself in Brapelille.

EvE University sent their best bounty hunter to track me down.

It was a massacre.

Local miners weren’t sure what was happening.

Newbro Kha’ll barely survived.

However, he saw a business opportunity.

Catalyst salvaging is profitable!

Meanwhile, miners kept dying, one by one.

Kha’ll wasn’t even upset.

He just won’t forget.

Kha’ll found his lifelong space nemesis.

It was his first PvP experience.

He doesn’t care at all.

He’s gonna put a 145 on me.

Kha’ll is a real man.

He told me off.

Now I’ve got a real bounty.

Meanwhile, other miners noticed something amiss.

Raja Ovaert scrambled to salvage additional wrecks.

However, Charles Sheldon was mystified.

He was an EvE veteran, but had never seen anything like this.

Major Miner Sheldon soon joined the other wrecks.

Eventually, antiganking reinforcements arrived.

It was a bad day for the miners of Brapelille.

Sometimes, you just need to dock up.

There’s no shame in being afraid.

Thanks for the free advertising!

The Miners of Misneden, Part 4

The Miners of Misneden, Part 1

Previously, miner Nelforce quit EvE Online.

The other miners dared Alt 00 to destroy them.

They tried to bully and shame Alt.

They argued that Highsec PvP is bad.

They refused to pay rent.

They summoned powerful friends from nullsec.

They even threatened the sanctity of me, your royal Majesty.

They called me a witch!

These miners didn’t like me.

These miners were uppity.

These miners were crying.

There was only one way to respond.

To be continued…

Pandemic Pallies

PAPI had a rough night.

Meanwhile, Aikowatchers noticed something unusual.

Opportunity knocked, and Kelgoroth seized the opportunity of a lifetime.

He thanked everyone who helped achieve his goal.

Miners will do anything for me.

I’ve got perky social skills.

When you fleet with Aiko, magic happens.

What could possibly go wrong?

I even won a free Paladin!

Don’t be shy!

CCP might ban me, but they’ll never ban the memories.


After Kalvaen committed suicide (in real life), I returned to Serren.

His fellow Goons were mourning, with a sad mining dirge.

Mongoly led the lamentations.

I wondered why Goon High Command would send miners to die in Highsec.

Plot Twist: Mongoly is a deserter, absent without leave.

Double Plot Twist: Kalvaen (aka Lulu) didn’t commit suicide?!?

Multiple sources indicate Kalvaen and Lulu are the same person.

Apparently, the ‘brothers’ have a history of suicide roleplay.

Miners of Misneden, Part 3

Miners of Misneden, Part 1

Previously, Emille Droffer refused to pay rent…

…and Nelforce vowed to quit EvE Online.

He was a miner of principle.

So he uninstalled forever.

Alt 00 was left to clean up the remains.

Alt discovered augmented rogue drones, attacking a defenseless rock.

Smartbombs were deployed, and the threat neutralized.

The drones were traced to a Porpoise, which was euthanized.

Alt 00 began to realize…

…Misneden was infested with miners!

To be continued…

Krig’s Korner, Part II

I’ve been away for a while. Apparently, Princess Aiko doesn’t like it when you pull on her ponytail. Fortunately, I am no longer grounded!!

Previously, on Krig’s Korner, I helped a miner.

I also saved an entire miner’s guild.

I-F-L = I Fucking Lost?

Captain Krig always gets his whale.

But, reee!  I don’t see an orca killmail…  Where is it?!

Calm down, Deckhand Julian.  See that golden pod up there?

Krig Povelli > Hi
Krig Povelli > Would you like to save your ship?
Asketus > ok

He was quite reasonable, surrendering 700 million and the Orca.

Asketus > ok thx
Asketus > you were smarter than metoday

I sure was!

Meanwhile, miner Warugaki continues to seek Safety services.

We had been trying to let him move on with his life.

However, he discovered the night shift.

A quick conversation was lucrative, for no apparent reason.

Everyone was amazed.

Subsequently, Warugaki bought a travel visa.

It wasn’t cheap.

When that didn’t work, he bought another.


Some people just really want to mine in Delve.