Big Deal

I’m defo a big deal.

You aren’t truly space famous, until people you don’t even know are making EVE videos starring your beautiful face. Apparently, someone noticed that Highsec has a new queen. That’s right.


The people love me.

And who are you, the proud lord said
A spider still has fangs…

So now the rains, weep o’er his hall
With no one there to hear…
 

Aiko is the Mittani

The Why Was I Ganked? channel is a great place to discuss EVE.

However, Key Orion was initially unimpressed.

Why is the leader of Goonswarm hiding in Highsec?

Like Napoleon, Princess Aiko abandoned her army in the midst of winter.

The secret is out. Everyone knows about Aiko. 

She isn’t even trying to win the war.

After some thought, Key decided this was pretty impressive.

It sure is nice to be the most powerful woman in the galaxy.

Delve-schmelve.

I honestly don’t care.

Is that Alex guy still pretending to be me?

Ganked in Fallujah

Everybody loves my channel: Why Was I Ganked?

Uncle Pudge is a typical Highsec miner.

After losing his favourite shuttle, he was less than calm.

When asked why he used such vulgar language, Uncle Pudge made an announcement.

He was a glorious veteran of some sort.

Veterans get 10% off on Tuesdays, and extra special treatment online.

Pudge also applied for a senior citizen discount.

After his proud service in Company C, Uncle Pudge retired to EVE Online.

From behind his computer, Pudge is internet brave.

Apparently, he is still in dusty Fallujah.

Meanwhile, Serbian Gamer shows how a real man reacts when ganked.

The Best Revenge, Part 93

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… The long Antarctic winter cast frigid winds across the southern hemisphere, and the mighty High Lord Space Star avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka Australian Excellence, aka loyalanon, aka aka, was determined to survive long enough to seize control of the galaxy.

avia was concerned the Horde might attempt a winter offensive.

Meanwhile, Goonswarm’s elite Military Intelligence SIG reported otherwise.

Princess Aiko did not share avia’s concern, but he knew better. The vile double traitor Vily might, at any moment, decide to betray the Swarm.

Indeed, the strategic balance of power was shifting, exactly as avia planned.

Triumphant in his glory, the ‘lil bullet, aka 140, knew victory was in his grasp.

His terms are most merciful.

Pandemic Horde will be exiled to Highsec, and that whore Elise Randolph will be sentenced for life to Kamio IV belt 4, permanently confined in a mining Tarya. With these details settled, avia returned to the ongoing war.

Inspired by the tale of Globby, avia continued to produce new supperweapons.

The Suppercomputer also ordered the creation of a wormhole truck stop.

At times, it was necessary to address financial matters, and avia requested that his personal secretary, Princess Aiko, provide him with an official receipt.

Finally, she processed the requisite paperwork.

The Director Level Buyin Confirmation Security Card serves as High Lord avia’s official laminated ID badge, allowing top security clearance in all Goonswarm affiliated organizations (including the town of Pearl River). Furthermore, it doubles as an Ice Mountain Ski Pass, during the annual alliance trip to Colorado Springs.

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 92

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Space Lord High Supreme Star Excellency avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka 140, aka aiva naali, aka Megathronus Rex, was determined to ensure his place at the head of the Imperium’s mighty War Council. While Brisc Rubal and the Mittani talked in stations, avia took direct command of the fleets, to ensure the success and glory of Goonswarm.

Pandemic Horde was on the brink of utter annihilation, with the dance squad infiltrating past confused gate camps, and cloaky wolves nipping at the horde’s tenuous logistics. It was now early summer for most people, but avia found himself upside down, facing the approach of a harsh Antarctic winter…

Amidst a frigid blizzard, avia reflected upon the campaigns of Napoleon, paying particular attention to the advance upon Moskva in 1812. Just as Napoleon was betrayed by treacherous Germans, avia feared that the double traitor Vily might lead TEST upon Fortress Delve. Ah, but all this reflection gave avia a sudden burst of inspiration. What if he adopted Napoleon’s doctrine of the Grande Batterie?

Why stop there? Each nation has its own unique racial characteristics, and avia sought to organize Goonswarm according to natural tendencies.

Meanwhile, Princess Aiko took direct command of the anti-mining taskforce, and drew avia’s attention to the belts, from which Pandemic miners continued to pour minerals into the vast Horde assembly lines.

With his vast experience, this was precisely the kind of direct technical question which avia was well suited to address. He immediately resolved the problem.

The solution was simple enough. First, use a bump reflection to knock them away from their digg. Subsequently, kill all the rats! As Sun Tzu once observed, when a miner sees a digg without any rats, he is naturally loath to continue mining. However, what of the new nationalist doctrine? Was the fleet happy?

All was well, and everyone was delighted to join Heritage Fleet. avia smiled, and declared it was time for pod races!

As combat engineers returned to the Delve, and began work on the Circus Maximus, avia continued to innovate. With a stroke of sheer genius, he surpassed even Napoleon, creating the EVE equivalent of mobile horse artillery. Of course, range could be readily corrected by bumping battleships back and forth.

Meanwhile, weird things were happening, especially in Highsec.

avia was glad to have a new ally, because he was about to have a new enemy.

The Great Imperator let his foes know, he was aware of their plot.

Would that double traitor, Vily the Silly, heed this warning? More importantly, would Pandemic Horde be left utterly demoralized by a taunting?

The Great Mind War took place behind the scenes, a metagame confrontation between some of the most powerful players in EVE history. Of course, the result was a stunning success, as Pandemic Horde’s top strategist suddenly had a public meltdown.

avia was proud of his work.

It was nearly time to sound the Horn of Goondor!

 

 

Deal Storm, Part 5

Listening to: Cartoon High Trip #2

Deal Storm, Part 1

Previously in James 315 Space, suki storm was a contestant on Deal Storm, winning negative twelve billion isk. Although suki claimed to have only 4 million isk, Princess Aiko helped suki pull 100 million isk out of an empty wallet. When she did it again, suki realized this is a cool magic trick, and he was happy to make it rain. 30 million isk. 10 million isk. 30 million isk. 40 million isk. 70 million isk. 80 million isk. 100 million isk. 100 million isk. 100 million isk. 100 million isk. 500 million isk. 1 billion isk. 2 billion isk. 2 billion and 315 million isk. This is how you win EVE.

Everybody loves to play my game.

Surely, Princess Aiko can’t do it again?

You can’t stop her. She does it all the time.

Aiko is invincible.

It’s just part of the game.

Every game has winners and losers.

Follow me, if you want to win.

This isn’t a negotiation.

I’m a Princess.

To be continued…

ART THERAPY

zuzzik continues to recover from several unfortunate hauling incidents, expressing his feelings through a visual medium.

Deal Storm #3

Previously in James 315 Space… suki lost a Mackinaw, and paid 100 million isk to get it back. Maybe it exploded, but perhaps it dropped as a lootable item? Princess Aiko is a nice lady, so suki paid twice, and bought an Orca for another 100 million. He also paid 30 million plus 10 million plus 30 million. He did it again (and again).

Even antigankers stand in awe of me, and well they should. EVE is a game, like Monopoly. Except, when I visit your Boardwalk hotel, you will pay me for the privilege of my presence. Also, why don’t you hand over those blue cards, thank you!

Back when I invented isk quintupling, I understood the importance of a solid telemarketing script. Once you bring the client into a money funnel, you don’t want them to escape. I eventually realized you don’t need to return any isk at all. Just keep being honest, and calmly explain the terms and conditions. You will quintuple your money in no time! Suki owed me 100 million isk. He also owed 30 million isk for shipping and handling. Oops. I typoed. He actually owes me 40 million isk. Why did he only send 10 million more? Shipping and handling is 70 million, so he just needs to pay 30 million!

It’s ok to improvise and innovate. Jerry Rin might be dead and gone, forever and ever, but Aiko is here to save you. Just listen closely and understand. Shabba wabba doo wat do wat. 10 million? 30 million? 40 million? 50 million? 100 million? Just send me all your isk, just send it all to me, and I’ll spend it on myself.

Did you ever wonder how Aiko got so space rich?

I’m soooo good at EVE. I’ll let my assistant take over.

Oh boy, suki is about to get his Mackinaw and an Orca!

I even helped out antiganker Talivaldis.

Sometimes, I make it rain.

10 million isk for a mining permit? Haha, I think we can do a bit better.

Alas, poor suki was bankrupt – or was he just lying?

He paid Talivaldis twice, then he paid me thrice more.

I just need (another) 100 million!

We aren’t done suki. There’s no escaping the spider queen’s web!

I love to suck men dry, and they kinda enjoy it.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Newbro PartTimeJerk got dunked in his Venture. Three times, according to zKillboard. EVE would be boring without the CODE.

***

DOUBLE BONUS: I sure do love shooting bot Ventures!

 

 

 

 

Forever and ever

Praise James!

Oh James, I love you so much. All those years I worked as your personal secretary, skittering between office and armory, steering a wide berth around the rowdy barracks, and barely finding time to grab a cucumber from the mess. I didn’t do it for the money, or the fame, but just for you, my Saviour. Those bitter jellybears said I was sleeping my way to the top, but you know how chaste I am. All I wanted was to do my duty, unto my Lord. Even a Princess must serve the New Order, to the best of her ability, such is the law!

I always, always, knew I was destined to inherit Amarr, along with the Minmatar and Ammatar vassaldoms, plus the entirety of the Khanid March, with the Bleak and the Delvian slums, and all those lonely stars which have no name. I was content with that, so when you asked me to be your little Princess, I really had no desire to remain far from home. However, I kind of like being the one true Saviourette of the Order. Of course, the Great Khan Garkeh was delighted to learn his daughter has inherited the Caldari State, the Gallente Federation, and the endless Northern Waste.

It’s been so long since I’ve been able to go home, to Agil III. I miss the sight of a magnetostorm, as it ripples through the methane clouds. I yearn for my hundred ton robotank, with those beautiful particle projection cannons. I want to bring hot cranberry vodka for the infantry, and help them cook Mindflood in the ruins of some old shrine. Living amongst the greedy northern barbarians has really been quite a culture shock, but I confess, you saved me from a dismal fate. Without you, I would have wound up commanding some garrison on the Kamela front, where I might have died of boredom.

Killing people, just to drink their brain goo, that’s normal for us southern girls. They call us blood raiders, but let’s be real, I’m just a simple space vampire. As you might imagine, the Caldari cult of Halaima was utterly alien to me. Bumping people for money? What?! Why don’t we just kill them all? If they pay enough, we can crucify them on a cross of gold! My father despised Gallente terrorists, but you had the divine wisdom to turn Catalysts and Talosi into the very building blocks of our mighty civilization. I don’t know how you did it, but you did, and this is why I praise your name every 15 minutes of each particular day — as required by the sacred laws of the Halama.

Recently, I was super annoyed. This catty miner had the nerve to say I should be killing more miners! Oh really?! I told my friends about this, and we all had a good laugh. Then Zigam and Julian made a little video, which definitely cheered me up. Julian even has his own Youtube channel, and I can tell he doesn’t like carebear plebs!

Anyways, ever since you died, I’ve been praying for a miracle. I’m sure you will undock another Ishtar. Right? We can hunt Orcas together, like old times, and maybe even save the Delve (again)! However, I don’t suppose that’s likely to happen. So I’ll keep trying to kill these miners, as best I can, and hope to see you soon.

She could never know what it’s like
My blood, like winter, freezes just like ice
And there’s a cold, lonely light that shines from me
And did you think this girl could never win?
Well look at me, I’m a-coming back again

Once I never coulda hoped to win
You started down the road, leaving me here
The threats she made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus, you’d be a clown by now
You know I’m still standing better than I ever did
So don’t just fade away

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did?
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a true princess

And I’m still standing after all this time
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing

Praise James, forever and ever, and pray he will grant upon us his divine blessing, so that we might obliterate our enemies with an endless barrage from which they shalt know our mercy! We must destroy their fleets, and then Khanid will show them the glorious strength of our Army!

 

 

Fuck!

I’m a little busy, because it’s springtime in Uedama.

You might think it’s easy to gank, blog, spy, dictate, negotiate, logisticate, fetch James another beer, and find the time to look so great. However, in reality, it’s all a bit much. Someday, I will not write a blog post. Someday, I will not gank. Someday, I will sleep, but that day is not today. Understandably, miners are often overwhelmed, when they realize that someone else has more isk, more friends, more charm, and more DPS. What can they do about it? Frankly, all they can do is [expletive] die (again).

“Write in Russian, I won’t read your fucking English”

OVERHEARD IN TEAMSPEAK

Jason Kusion, “That’s the gank I live for. Fucking tidi. Fucking Aiko, up there trolling on me. Haha. CONCORD was on grid. I thought faction police were gonna kill us all. It could have jumped but it just sat there. That was definitely one of my better performances.”
Holdmybeer, “Imagine that, flying a triple bulkheaded Ark. Nobody is gonna gank me. Oh wait, where the fuck am I?”
Tweeps, “What the fuck!?!”

The Best Revenge, Part 89

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… High Starlord avia naali, aka Agent Anvil, sent PLEX to support Goonswarm’s war against Pandemic Horde. Meanwhile, he prepared a second front against double traitor Vily. Unfortunately, avia sent the funds to Dolphin Don, instead of Princess Aiko, and everyone was displeased. As Princess Aiko consolidated power, in anticipation of the impending death and divine ascendance of James 315, Slackbot decided this was a good time to remind avia about new protocols.

Aiko then quizzed avia about the law.

avia was in a strict quarantine, and by sending PLEX to Don, he potentially spread a Pandemic Horde virus to Don and his beloved dolphins. Even worse, when Don was forced to retransfer the PLEX to Aiko, it exposed the royal heiress!

Aiko stomped into her room and slammed the door, spending a rainy week in self-isolation, as avia pondered whether he might have infected the entire Goonswarm High Command. Of course, everybody would be fine.

The intergalactic pandemic has made it difficult to interact, and many fine individuals have unraveled completely under solitary confinement. Fortunately, avia is a Suppercomputer which prefers isolation, and his brain began to whir. Why not use the pandemic to Goonswarm’s advantage, with rigorous training regimens? In particular, avia recognized that asteroids form space terrain, and he envisioned titans dug in on the high ground, obliterating hapless Pandemic infantry. As practice, Goon supercaps were ordered to move back and forth through the belts, using rocks as cover.

Princess Aiko sulked in her chambers, nervously waiting for a feverish chill, whilst avia brushed up on hybrid theory and lag gunned rail gunner tactics. During the Second World War, German and Japanese aircraft would approach heavily armed Allied bombers by weaving in between tracer rounds, thereby approaching to an optimal firing range. avia knew this same ‘weaving rage’ doctrine could be applied in EVE Online, but it would be important to ensure Pandemic bots were not exploiting latency.

Meanwhile, with the recent discovery of zkillboard.com, avia was delighted to receive instantaneous reports directly from the orbital battlespace, verifying that Goonswarm was still there. Everything was going well, and his only concern was that the enemy might try to throw a ‘haymaker’. Looking at you, Vily!

Fortunately, the Imperium is well funded, and we will win this war!

To be continued…

 

 

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