Fan Fest, Part 2

Previously, in Iceland, CCP faced tough questions.

One thing became clear, it is time for an Aiko statue.

This is an undeniable reality.

It’s what the galaxy needs.

Meanwhile, CCP Rattati defined “new player”.

Whiteknights claim ganking is “griefing”, because new players need protection, so they can learn basic game mechanics. These carebears erroneously believe in a regional skill gradient (from Highsec, to lowsec, to nullsec). However, as Rattati stated, “You are not a new player, [just because you are] in Highsec.” According to CCP, players cease to be ‘new’ when they reach 30 days, or voluntarily leave the New Player Experience. Highsec is not the tutorial, and it is not “griefing” to engage Naval Academy graduates.

Rattati noted that CCP wasted “considerable time and resources” investigating carebear allegations. While griefers do disrupt the tutorial, gankers don’t. CCP determined that gankers and griefers are two separate groups, and ganking is explicitly allowed. Isanamo is not a mining tutorial, nor is Uedama a hauling tutorial. These are elite PvP zones, and Rattati emphasized that ganking is “fair” gameplay.

COOL FACT: When we changed our alliance name, we ensured that autist crybots would get confused. If you still think James 315 is griefing miners, then you obviously aren’t paying attention. Fortunately, CCP is not siding with antigankers, and Rattati concluded (to thunderous applause), “Gankers, you’re SAFE.” 

If antigankers care about noobs, why are they defending nullsec alts?

FAN FEST

We are having fun in rainy Iceland.

Zaenis Desef ensured everyone has a permit.

Meanwhile, CCP is bad at sales.

Google Spreadsheets is free?

CCP is gonna polish the asteroids (again), in a game with no-graphics.

Outerspace is truly beautiful, so savor the TiDi!

Anyways, I got some nice shoutouts on Twitch.

I’m a big deal in a video game, in real life!

The most memorable moment was when some guy said…

…my alliance has crowdfunded, awesome, alcoholics.

That’s right!

Finally, CCP made the BIG announcement.

Not bad

Galactus has come a long way, since I found him.

Everyone makes mistakes, but winners don’t quit.

He finally understands what ninja salvaging is truly about.

Galactus enforces the LAW, praising his personal Saviourette.

He has also recorded a message for the antiganking community.

Ok, goodnight!

Unholy Unpas

The New Order has heritage and history.

Of course, agents are always (get it?) excited to visit Holy Halaima, which James 315 settled in 2012. However, there are many noteworthy systems, such as Arvasaras (where James learned to bump) and Kino (where rebellion triggered eternal Triglavian damnation). Uedama and Isanamo were established as staunch bastions, whilst Agil is celebrated as the birthplace of Princess Aiko. More recently, other systems rose to prominence. For example, in Auviken, the mighty Safety. alliance first eclipsed the dottering CODE. alliance. Likewise, we behold UNHOLY UNPAS, a system infested by Ventures.

It was in Unpas, where we established ourselves as the #1 PvP Champions of ALLTIME. If Halaima is our Mecca, then Unpas is our Medina. It is in Unpas, where heroes such as Shekelstein Shakiel, BigNoseRabbi OyVeyShekels, and CALM DOWN MINERS share the GOOD NEWS with all minerdom. Meanwhile, in adjacent Uitra, false agents lead miners astray with terrible missions.

I remember my own humble beginnings, as a women’s studies major at Hedion University, in the system of Conoban. I was so scared and nervous, that first time I snuck out of the starter system, exploring the adjacent wasteland of Mora. I expected to die instantly, when I jumped the gate, but soon found myself utterly bored with the mundane realities of Highsec. Fortunately, students at Uitra have a more engaging experience. They even have a saying there, “Unpas, where Ventures go to die.”

CCP frowns at shooting newbros in Uitra, but there’s no rule against euthanizing them, once they leave the reservation. Ah, but here’s a question…

Does Venture hunting provide quality content?

Yes, yes, I think so.

Unpas is a sacred place.

Unpas is a SAFE space.

Rejoice, for in Unpas was the Order born anew.

Holiday Truce

As you know, there is a ceasefire.

The miners are rejoicing, amidst peace and prosperity.

What a wonderful Yuletide.

Everyone is getting that snowflake spirit.

Nadia Bulkalov visited my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel.

James 315 had Ripard Teg, and I’ve got Nadia.

It was fun to meet her, in person (in real-life).

What a total funster.

Ok, cya!

Live Update!

Banerf Gunkers!

Why won’t CCP do anything about ganking?

Crybabies got double EHP, and they already want “one more nerf”.

Have you tried modules, whilst visiting dangerous space?

Have you tried not autopiloting, with expanded cargo?

Every miner is an autistic retard, in real life.

I hope you uninstall and quit the internet forever, in real life.

You don’t even know how stupid you are.

Veltis is fine with ganking, but wants it to be nerfed (again).

Bill wants his nullbloc to have 100% safezone AFK grinding.

Bert thinks gankers live in a basement.

He doesn’t mind ganking, but gankers need more risk.

Likewise, mlwspace thinks ganking is good, but there’s way too much.

One solution is to instablap gankers, right?

blinkfann3 wants to buff gateguns.

Here’s the issue, blink… You are an autistic retard, in real life.

Just stop playing EvE, and try Farmville.

If you can’t figure out how to avoid gankers, you are a more on.

Yes, you reetastic autards.

Miners aren’t Captain Picard.

They are more like Arnold Rimmer.

Double Trouble

Shooting Highsec exhumers used to be a sporting event.

Now it takes fifteen people to kill one AFK Hulk.

On December 12, I was the only person to kill a Highsec Mackinaw.

Miners think they are invincible now.

They love being twice as strong.

What happens when you finally catch one?

Double miners are double salty.

I don’t like their attitude.

So I’m gonna kill them.

This is what they deserve.

That’s right.

You can thank me later.

Also, send me lots of isk.

Griefer Mode

Against double EHP miners, I must engage griefer mode.

This is war, total war.

Double EHP miners don’t need to fit their ships. CCP does it for them.

CCP loves their innocent newbro Highsec miners.

Nevermind, I guess I’m the new player.

Raven was furious that his double EHP exhumer malfunctioned.

He was definitely not calm.

Yes, this is sexual harassment in EvE Online.

Antigankers are trashy people, defending trashy people.

‘Niceguy’ whiteknight HateLesS protected my abuser.

This is literally what antigankers support.

Alleil decided to tell her mother.

To be continued…

Uedama Gankster Life

Tonight, we went aganking in Uedama.

Honestly, CCP is responsible for EVE.

Blame the developers, not the CSM.

Brisc Rubal isn’t my best friend, but he’s a friend.

My best friend is a fucking gankster.

Tonight, Brisc was doubling in Uedama.

Not Julian > Brisc Rubal brings isk doubling right here to Uedama, send him money and he’ll send you back double!
Brisc Rubal > I’m here for all your isk doubling needs.
Aiko Danuja > WoW! I sent Brisc Rubal 10 billion isk and he sent me 20 billion isk back!

Antiganker DrysonBennington got salty.

Welcome to the Cringe Zone.

The Imperium brought words of wisdom to Highsec.

Why was the next POTUS in Uedama?

Brisc was confounded by the antiganking mentality.

What kind of loser plays EvE Online?

Brisc gets it. EvE is a spaceship shooting game.

If Brisc pays me enough, I’ll vote for him.

Apply the lessons of EvE in real-life.

Here’s your daily carebear.

ok fine

The CSM is committed to doubling miner EHP.

Legal Disclaimer: The preceding statement is intended as a work of fictional satire, and bears no relationship to actual EVE Online power dynamics, real or imagined.

I don’t believe CCP wants this, but the CSM is demanding it.

Legal Disclaimer: The preceding statement is intended as a work of fictional satire, and bears no relationship to actual EVE Online power dynamics, real or imagined.

After the miner’s tantrum in Jita, they are buffing EHP and yield.

I hope miners enjoy grinding for paltry amounts of isk.

I’m actually doing really well.

I might just quit ganking altogether.

It will be mathematically impossible to sologank an exhumer.

It already requires overwhelming force, and now I need double overwhelming force?

Unfortunately, miners are salty little bitches, in real life.

I might start grieving them.

If you kill a double EHP miner, it’s gonna cry.

It’s gonna get salty.

I’m beyond annoyed with these carebears.

It’s time to try something new.

I’m gonna get twice as bad.

I’m gonna be an elite griefer.

I want to make miners cry, in real-life.

You can thank the CSM.