A New Logo, for a New Era

Every few years, the Imperium evaluates the efficacy of Highsec ganking. Fortunately, we passed our audit, and The Mittani has once again acknowledged the People’s Democratic Republic of Highsec. Consequently, the ice interdiction will continue, until further notice. Meanwhile, in honour of our continued status as an independent sovereign state, I have graciously allowed CCP to use my personal seal.

I’m sure James would have loved it.

This design was produced by Zaenis Desef, and is reminiscent of similar designs by Blake McAllister and Sargon of Amerish.

Sargon’s version, some felt, was a little too good.

Blake’s idea was really the same basic concept. Zaenis and I looked at this, and discussed how we might improve it. Credit where it’s due, I never would have come up with the idea of putting myself on the alliance logo. Such hubris and vanity is far beyond me. I was perfectly happy to have James enshrined forever, in a hideous shade of orange. However, some people think it’s high time to shatter the glass ceiling, and put a woman atop our keepstar. Well, I can’t disagree, I should have called the alliance AIKO. However, I gotta say, Safety. will look pretty good on the nullsec map.

There were a number of suggestions, some that just didn’t quite match CCP’s formatting requirements. Gurt Benoit, for example, had a great idea. It was just a little ahead of it’s time. Once CCP fixes Walking in Stations, we will surely be able to permanently trap miners inside decorative bubbles.

I liked the message here, but it’s too wordy.

Dolphin Don wanted a sea theme, but it was too sexual.

Don felt we could use the logo to educate, about the dangers of mining, but we were concerned this might trigger recovering miners to relapse.

Tweeps wanted more of an early 1990s broadcast television theme, but personally I prefer pictures of myself. Can you blame me?

Before he was banned, Zuzzik portrayed me as a crystalline entity.

I thought the triangle S thing was cool (who made that?).

Globby suggested using the criminal timer.

Some submissions were good, but they weren’t the right size.

Ultimately, there were a lot of fine submissions.

Alt 00 had an interesting idea, which we could have developed further. However, Zaenis was the first to produce something with sparkly stars. Oh, how cute! 100% of the voters immediately selected his design. Subsequently, in their infinite wisdom, CCP decided to attack my fair visage with an eraser.

Why?

https://images.evetech.net/alliances/99010569/logo?size=128

At first, I thought CCP was sending a warning. They didn’t do this to anyone else. No other logo has been so ravaged.

Why am I singled out for defacement, covered in dirty grime and scratches? Well, I know the reason. More than any alliance, we represent the gritty reality of New Eden. CCP has chosen us to represent their vision. Miners will never live to see the freshly painted logo. All carebears will ever see is how it looks later, when the greedy salvager scoops scrap metal into his hull, wondering who killed his friends… and why? So that’s fine CCP, if you want to scuff up my face, I’m gonna scuff up your crabs.

Regardless, people seem happy with it, not that they have a choice.

If you think it’s so amazing, join my alliance.

Together, we can save the miners!

Fw: Re: Demands

Previously, on !MinerBumping… we learned about the camwhores of Uedama, and discovered that Princess Aiko is bad at micromanaging you (unlike James 315, a big strong leader). There was EPIC Danuja salt, after she learned people who don’t log in are unhappy with her inactivity, and this metastorm is expected to last indefinitely.

When Aiko discovered the presence of rival camwhores, she did the one thing that is guaranteed to accomplish absolutely nothing. She reported the bots to CCP, along with screenshots and an evidentiary video.

After a few minutes, CCP concluded a full investigation, determining that humanoid player beings are content to spend all day staring at a Taint Licker (whilst steadily slowly scrolling up and down in local chat).

CCP sent Aiko a dismissive reply, closing the case. As they presumably decided, the real ‘content’ of the stream was Taint Licker himself, and surely the Uedama gatecam was not actually intended to show viewers the gate. 

Aiko just couldn’t stop crying.

She began spewing increasingly EPIC princess salt across the Icelandic wastes.

Fortunately, someone has at least bothered to login and do something. Cheng went after Jim Otsadat’s obvious bot, Hamanin Haginen.

Dolphin Don went after the other camwhores.

Afterward, Sargon wondered if Jim would purchase broadcast rights.

This intrigued Jim, who saw an opportunity to obtain Safety. and eliminate competition.


Sargon has studied my blog, learning the value of an upsell.

Jim is one happy botter.

He just wishes he could get back into my channel: Why Was I Ganked?

No bots allowed!

Now go away. I’m busy planning your schedule.

September 10

Today is September 10.

James 315, in his infinite wisdom, declared September 10 to be a special day, celebrating players who have been permanently banned. In some cases, of course, these bans were perhaps justified – in other cases, they most certainly were not. CCP has a long record of unclear policies, haphazard enforcement, and questionable decisions. We must remember that these players were, in many cases, decent people who had a positive impact on the game. Maybe they did something wrong, but don’t they deserve another chance?

loyalanon, even today, still ranks among the greatest EVE players ever. I’ve heard that he might have said something inappropriate in local. I wonder if they banned the miner who threatened to hack CCP servers, obtain my IP address, come over to my house, fuck me in the ass with a knife, and then cut off my head and masturbate into my brain? I’m just asking, because sometimes CCP enforces rules, and sometimes they don’t. Meanwhile, after all these years, loyal has changed for the better. He’s all grown up, a family man with a real job. He’s gotten good at Fortnite, and not bad at PUBG. He’s a nice guy, and a skilled gamer, so can’t we forget what he said all those years ago? I certainly can’t remember what he said, and I doubt anyone else can either.

Jerry Rin is one of the funniest, and friendliest people ever. I don’t know what you think Jerry did, but my research indicates that he was framed, by someone who deliberately conspired to get him banned. That’s not cool. When Jerry walks into the room, it’s like sparkles of energy just fill the sky. He’s always improvising and riffing on the most amazing beats. Dodixie is not the same without his infectious enthusiasm and upbeat energy. Today, Jerry works as a real-life Code Inspector, and he even won an award. Girls follow him around everywhere, giggling and laughing at his jokes. I do.

Fighter Jets GuitarSolo was cut down in the prime of his youth. A young lad from Nova Scotia, he grew up in a trailer park and struggled with demons. He murdered a man with an axe, and felt no remorse. Eventually, he found EVE Online, and his life changed. Suddenly, he was hosting his own game show, and he felt like he was a zillion megamiles tall. Then CCP came along, and he was gone forever. A little bird told me that he called a lesbian a lesbian. He didn’t mean anything by that, he just meant that she was a lesbian in-game, and she happened to be a lesbian in real-life. Oops! Today, Fighter Jets works as a professor of national security studies at Harvard, and he is a serial axe murderer.

D400 is one of the coolest people around, except just not in EVE Online. When he grew up, he didn’t know anything but his native Sami traditions, and he often wondered about the vast southern lands, where the sun appears in the sky each and every day. During the long nights, which lasted many months, he did his best to shoot empty shuttles. He was admittedly a space bully griefer, costing the miners tens of thousands of isk. I’m going to be completely honest with you, as I always am. D400 was banned because someone invited him to a chatroom. When you have someone in EVE set to a contact standing, good or bad, you automatically accept the invite. He wasn’t even at his computer, but his character was in the wrong chatroom, at the wrong time. D400 wasn’t banned for being associated with someone who may have done something wrong, he was banned simply because CCP doesn’t care if anyone actually did anything wrong. Today, D400 is homeless and struggling to find firewood. It’s cold, he has frostbite, and he ate a cat.

Erotica 1 was a weird dude, who loved to meet weird miners. Some people say that he did grotesque things, like ask miners to smear peanut butter across their chest. I’ve seen the photo, and it wasn’t even cringy, it was just dumb. In fact, Erotica never asked for that photo, but the miner decided all on his own to send the unrequested image. There was no torture! Meanwhile, Dolphin Don got temporarily banned for 3 days after sending a photo of someone with a cactus up their butt, but Erotica got permanently banned for a peanut butter photo, a little karaoke, and some white knights who exaggerated the horror of an audio recording which doesn’t even exist anymore. Last summer, Erotica asked me to marry him, and I politely declined. However, I see no reason he should be banned from EVE Online. Today he works as the director of a multilevel marketing solutions enterprise, selling cryptocurrency IPO offerings in the Cayman Islands.

Helicity Boson, concubine of the Sheikh and the mother of Hulkageddon, lives in wartorn Europe. It was hard for Helicity, growing up in a place where people don’t speak English, but she managed to pull herself together and started trading tulips. This allowed her to purchase a potato, and she built a small computer, with which she began to travel through outerspace. Unfortunately, her journey came to a sudden halt after she committed real-life cybercrimes, hacking into CCP computers to steal internal corporate data, and telling CCP devs that they should all be burned alive in real-life. Shortly after being permabanned, Helicity was permanently unbanned, when it became clear that she was right. Today, Helicity enjoys posting pictures of roleplaying dice on Twitter.

I’m not sure if Globby is banned or not, but I’m pretty sure he is. Globby went to Fanfest and was sexually assaulted by the Mittani. This left him feeling confused, and he poured his heart and soul into EVE Online. He invented the miracle of hyperdunking, which many beta orbiters have subsequently failed to emulate. I’ve met some of the greatest minds in the galaxy, but Globby has a special genetic disorder which allows him to overcome game mechanics. He’s the most nerfed player in EVE history, and he is being stalked by Matterall. Today, Globby is hiding out in Cambodia, living on his pension from the Los Angeles Police Department’s prestigious bomb squad. In his spare time, he enjoys volunteering for DolphinFacts, the #1 toll free 800 hotline for fun dolphin facts.

Brisc Rubal dedicated his life to maritime law, bribing congressman to guarantee dolphin fishing rights for benevolent international non-governmental organizations controlled by mysterious benefactors (namely, the Rockefellers and the Rothschilds). This made him rich beyond his wildest dreams, and he proceeded to invest everything into Keepstars. One day, CCP banned him, with clear proof that he did something wrong. Just when I decided that he must have done something wrong, they unbanned him and said it was all a big mistake. My lawyers have advised me to support Brisc, and to be quite honest, he shows up to gank in Uedama… so he can’t be that bad. 

Kelroth is a miner, idiot, and cokehead all rolled into one. The most fun I ever had in EVE Online was partying with Kelroth and taking all his money, but I know he has a lot more. Kelroth swipes his credit card like nobody else. His wife got so mad that she ran away and we had a torrid affair in Toledo. Unfortunately, just when Kelroth agreed to make me his financial advisor, CCP banned him for being an absolute moron. The Vancouver Police Department is now investigating Kelroth for financial crimes, but I just want my money. CCP needs to unban Kelroth so he can continue playing EVE, which for him basically involves sending me everything he has. CCPlease.

James 315, a newbro who was eager to explore New Eden, was permanently banned because of his egregious abuse of the new player experience. He was shocked and stunned, unsure what to do. After a few days, CCP unbanned him, because it turns out they made a mistake. They didn’t even apologize. Later, James was permabanned a second time, and then unbanned. Eventually, James got lucky and met a nice girl, who was actually a witch. They got married, but he died quite suddenly, leaving everything to his grieving widow. Fortunately, he is still alive in game, but in real life he is deceased.

Recently, Grey Ignis told me that his bio was arbitrarily removed because of some nerdy puns about things going in and out.

Grey is a real lady’s man, he just likes to get us girls all hot and bothered with subtle innuendo. However, some grumpy incel reported him, and now CCP has decided to punish him. They erased his bio, and isn’t even sure what was particularly offensive. Of course, it’s their game and they can do what they want. However, it’s weird how they overreact to one thing, and just ignore another. Ya know?

I don’t think CCP should turn EVE Online into a whiteknight friendly PG13 theme park. The graphic content of EVE Online, with its elite PvP and angry Chinese bots threatening to rain nuclear hellfire upon the United States, is what makes it such an engaging experience. Nobody actually wants to play Monopoly, because it’s a boring terrible game, but it’s fun to get drunk and listen to a temper tantrum. That’s what makes EVE enjoyable, because without such compelling characters as Dickcumpeniscock Pussyinvader, we just can’t immerse ourselves into the roleplay of a dystopian future.

Villains, who offend social norms, allow us to have heroes.

I urge everyone to spend this September 10 thinking about how EVE is better with banned players, who provide engaging content and meaningful gameplay. I’m sure that shitface MCshit, Faggorio Naggerius Twats, DickSuckinLips, and Penisfarts are actually decent people in real-life, so CCP should calm down and let players enjoy their game. Meanwhile, when we look back at the “terrible” things allegedly done in the past, we should remember the context of EVE Online. This is literally a game (and a company) which has embraced Faggot Task Force, the Ballsack Flickers corporation, Dickbutt Anonymous, and every possible variant of Adolf Hitler

WoooOOOOooo

CCP doesn’t care about botters, but we do.

I know exactly how to deal with these poors.

We will enforce the law upon them.

Our mighty fleets are standing by.

You can thank me later.

Miners wonder we don’t go to zeroes.

However, nullsec is too safe.

Highsec needs more Safety.

I’m here to help.

Chat, let’s go!

Broken Bot

After each gank, we try to help.

Chet has been having a lot of difficulty.

What could the problem be?

Can you guess what Chet is doing wrong?

After a brief conversation, we identified the issue.

Chet isn’t a bot aspirant. He actually is a bot.

Whenever you see Chet, you can rest assured that CCP doesn’t care about botting.

Botting is perfectly normal in EVE Online.

CCP knows this, but they refuse to take action.

These bots are everywhere.

This is digusting!

So I’m just gonna kill them all.

No permit = No ship.

Im Westen Nichts Neues

On the eastern front, our elite taskforce strikes against illegal PAPI freighters, off the coast of Beeitnamese Dumbkirk. Spaceborne Bu-87 Catalysts, the secret weapon of the New Order, surface from the depths of the abyss to obliterate hapless nullbears. We then sink beneath gravitational waves, awaiting the next convoy. As Mitt desires, the Gallente ice interdiction will continue indefinitely. No refunds.

The People’s Democratic Republic of Highsec has a special relationship with our renters in the Delve, and we have graciously offered assistance during their Sacred Reconquista. Best wishes to the Swarm, as they help Testbot refugees reach the Dronelands.

In the west, there is nothing new to report. Coach Subway continues to fail daily, and nobody is surprised by his bad attitude, atrocious singing, and infinite incompetence. Since Subway claims to be an elite Pro Guides coach, he was presumably delighted to find himself decced by Pro Guides Galactic Champions. Yes, that’s right. After all his contributions to CCP, Subway won a FREE wardec coaching session.

The war went well enough, but Pro Guides got bored after Subway abandoned his FreeEve movement. Yes, like Vily, he fled in disgrace. Of course, no actual human wants to waste time bashing a structure, when they could be updating Windows or staring at the wall. Consequently, the war ended in stalemate.

At this point, the plot twisted. One of Coach’s alts was promoted to CEO, and sought revenge, declaring war on the Galactic Champions. What? Why? Misclick? This was a challenge which could not be ignored, and the professionals went to work.

Afterward, Coach got a customized victory email.

He also received a FREE inspirational poster.

Don’t fuck with Dolphin Don.

w/e busy

I will be submitting the new alliance logo soon, so if you have any suggestions, this would be the time. Of course, I’ve got a fair idea what I will go with, but we will see. Anyways, I’d like to show you the current frontrunner.

Wow, Sargon, that’s really great!

My alliance is the best ever, mainly because me.

A lot of people just don’t get it.

Here’s a hint: I’m awesome!

I’m just the best.

EVE needs me, and I know it.

So make sure to send me all your isk…

…and I might even acknowledge you!

Ok, I’m busy now.

Uh, bye.

=BONUS CONTENT=

WoW! Check out this amazing article, published by EVE Onion!

WoW! Check out this amazing short story, published by CCP!

Outstanding!

#1

The following is a paid advertisement for the Mittani’s prestigious Princess Aiko Foundation.

Last year, CCP scammed everyone who invested in the bounty system. Miners spent billions of isk on me, James 315, and other esteemed members of the community. Subsequently, CCP removed the bounties, and they have not bothered to refund any of the payments. Fortunately, someone else has created a new bounty scam.

This new bounty system doesn’t change anything. The only people who can claim bounties are existing members of Pleb Force, and payouts are dependent upon the capricious whims of evildoers Githany and Wah. In other words, if you don’t like gankers, you can send isk to antigankers, and they will find a way to waste your money.

It thus came to pass, that none other than Princess Aiko, became the most wanted woman in the galaxy. I suppose it was always meant to be. Yes, by the way, Aiko actually is 7’9″ tall, and she dominates the WNBA.

Tempest in a Teapot

A few days ago, when I took a brief glance at the CSM candidates, I failed to notice double trader Vily. Oh, he’s also running? I’d like to continue ignoring him, but recent developments have forced me to acknowledge his existence.

Matterall has jumped the shark, desperately whiteknighting for snowflake Vily, who was outrageously assaulted during a CCP interview.

Here’s what happened. Mittens urged people to watch Vily’s boring interview, and Matterall construed this as egregiously inappropriate griefing.

That’s right. Goonswarm’s ‘raid’ of the CCP stream was analogous to a violent confrontation in which people died. Mittens deliberately and intentionally fired a loaded Goonswarm at Vily. This clearly ranks alongside other infamous moments in history, including the Reichstag Fire, the LA Riots, and the St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre.

Since Vily was hosted by CCP, one naturally wonders why Matterall is even involved. We might assume that CCP is perfectly capable of managing their own Twitch channel, but Matterall is apparently a space Karen.

This has a lot to do with the basic psychology of carebears. For example, consider the recent clips of Coach Subway and HateLesS, two ‘chill’ dudes who suddenly became enraged and nearly (or actually) started punching their desk. There’s a lot boiling behind that calm exterior, and these people are looking for an excuse to claim they have been unfairly bullied (and are therefore justified in attacking others).

What happened in the Twitch stream? Did Goons spam the channel with vulgar words and shameful epitaphs? Surely, Materall wouldn’t whine about nothing? However, when I watched the video, I realized the Imperium did nothing wrong.

Frankly, the chat logs are exceedingly tame.

Basically, flying bumblebees.

There were a few criticisms…

…nothing that crossed any kind of line.

It was basically every other Twitch stream.

It was a ‘raid’.

Carebears keep trying to change culture, denouncing “bullies” and “griefers”. It’s reached the point where cartoon bees are considered violent. We need to remember that the real bullies are those who hide behind virtue signalling and manufactured outrage, demanding that others be punished for imaginary offenses.

Umm… It’s just dumb.

So umm, I’m just gonna, umm, kill all the umm carebears (in game).

The CSM 2021

I’ve never thought highly of the CSM. It seems like an attempt by CCP to avoid communication with players, by only interacting with a handful of people, and encouraging players to contact the CSM instead of CCP. It’s basically outsourced customer service, “Your opinion is very valuable to us… Please hold!” Regardless, I think it’s good to vote and try to get decent people elected. 

Arsia Elkin

I don’t know much about her, but she’s a competent lowsec pilot. Unlike other candidates, Arsia wrote me to state her emphatic support for Highsec ganking. I think she’s sincere, intelligent, and an effective communicator.

Although Arsia is on the ‘other side’, and called me a “pirate”, I will vote for her. She recognizes that without someone to shoot, she will have “no game”. She is frustrated by certain prominent nullbears, who have been calling for nerfs to ganking. She hinted that one specific individual is not motivated by a desire to protect new players, but really they just want to AFK haul 20 billion isk across Highsec.

Arsia is someone who understands. If you are getting ganked, you are doing something wrong. I think it’s fair to say that Arsia is my ‘top vote’, and the following 9 individuals are also endorsed in no particular order. 

Rixx Javix

Rixx is also a competent pilot. I have no opinion about the various controversies, but I can say this. Someone I respect is voting for Rixx, and I also will.

Phantomite

Phantomite is a salty grump, who refused to buy a mining permit. However, I’ll still vote for him. He’s active in PvP, and that’s good enough for me.

Angry Mustache

I’ve had positive interactions with Angry. He wants CCP to reduce market fees and encourage trade, which I agree is likely to stimulate overall gameplay.

Evie Kouvo

Basically me, but in an alternate wormhole universe.

Innominate

UNAPOLOGETICALLY A GOON.

Suitonia

Seems like a nerd, but whatever.

Merkelchen

Nice guy!

Brisc Rubal

Goon lawyers have forced me to endorse Brisc.

Aiko Danuja

I’m the best.

Mike Azariah

Mike wants to help newbros, but doesn’t know how. I don’t want to help them, but I know how. So I suggested they add a ganking mission to the New Player Experience, and Mike didn’t like this, because he doesn’t like ganking. I blame Mike for all the ignorant newbros. I thought about voting for him, but changed my mind.

Gay Pride BOOOOM

Gay Pride is a ganker. Unfortunately, he’s also a salty miner called Maplefox, who runs a carebear Highsec mining corporation in Abudban. I wasn’t terribly upset when he tried to scam me for isk and infiltrated our group, posing as a non-English speaking Russian, but when I tried to discuss this he ran away and hid. Bad form!

Obviously, this is someone that will not represent our community, since he isn’t part of it and doesn’t participate. The last thing we want is to elect a ‘ganker’ who ‘represents’ us, when they are actually a Highsec miner. Maplefox is not a good public speaker, and will not be able to fulfill the two important roles of a CSM member: communication with CCP and communication with the players. He is weak, and I would prefer to have no gankers on the CSM, rather than be represented by someone like this.

Dr Spodumain

Dr Spodumain is a whiteknight carebear, who banned me from TiS for “thirty years”. He literally believes I am personally and directly responsible for forcing Highsec miners to commit suicide IRL. Like, seriously.

Maldavius

Incompetent pleb, thinks I’m a scammer.

Jim Halescott

Don’t know him, but an idiot supports him, so that’s a red flag.

Progodlegend

Shipwrecked his alliance in Delve, bad at ECM warfare.

RonUSMC

Coach Subway, but in nullsec.

Gobbins.

Invites everyone to alliance, cries about spies and AWOX.