Miner Madness

I don’t pay much attention to miners.

However, the latest patch has triggered a wave of mewling.

I’m not sure what the fuss is about.

CCP has set an irrational precedent, allowing crybabies in Jita the delusion that anybody cares about them. Pro tip: nobody cares.

I spoke with an unironic Highsec miner.

What’s wrong miner?

Is this the end of AFK mining?

Will miners adapt to economic realities?

Two things are for certain.

Mining is boring, and miners are poors.

There’s no shame in quitting.

Miners need to focus on the big picture.

This is good news.

Boris Goes Bananas, Part 2

Previously, in James 315 Space… Boris lost another Retriever.


Aveve needs to learn how to take clear screenshots.

Doesn’t that look better?

Regardless, this is good stuff.

In EVE Online, Boris roleplays as a Christian miner.

He is persecuted, by homosexual terrorists.

Someday, if he can afford a boat, he will fight the dog fuckers.

I don’t want Boris to get banned. I find this entertaining!

Boris, you crazy Russian!

To be continued…


Yesterday, we stared into the abyss.

Was this the end of the galaxy?

Novus Ordo antigankers tried to report gankers for pulling, but the EVE community came together and defended our Highsec traditions.

All is well!

We celebrated by exploit dunking in Uedama.

Here’s a video!

In other news, an Orca had a Safety incident.

Safety inspectors are investigating.

Let’s examine the SRP request.

Ah, I found the problem…

You were trying to run your own business.

Safety first, always!

Is pulling CONCORD an exploit?

Multiple independent sources are confirming that CCP has been warning and/or banning people for “pulling” CONCORD. There has been speculation that this was “abnormal” pulling, and not the normal activity practiced routinely by gankers and antigankers for more than a decade. However, my sources have become increasingly clear that CCP is targeting gankers for routine pulling.

For example, the Novus Ordo antigankbears have been antiganking by pulling CONCORD into ice belts, to protect their Russian mining clients. Now it appears that gankers who counterpull are being warned for “delaying” CONCORD by drawing CONCORD out of the belt (because Novus Ordo is reporting them).

It is true, that pulling affects response times, but for more than a decade this has been normal gameplay. It was specifically allowed.

Are gankers no longer allowed to pull? Perhaps so, but if that is the case, there are going to be some significant changes.

I don’t know what to say.

I’ll just wait to see if CCP replies to my ticket.

Maybe everything is fine?

Fortunately, GM IceCream states it is ok to manipulate CONCORD to decrease (rather than increase) response times. Instead of pulling CONCORD away from the gate (to make it easier to gank on the gate), just pull CONCORD to the station (in order to make it harder to gank on the station). Problem solved!

Indeed, IceCream claims it is ok to spawn CONCORD in specific situations (provided that you do not intentionally reduce CONCORD response times), but as Jason notes, there is no possible scenario in which you can spawn CONCORD without simultaneously reducing response time elsewhere.


Chillso Ace isn’t very chill.

He explained why.

He doesn’t have to be.

Instead, Chillso can curse mat Otsito (and his family).

First, they will get cancer, and then the government death panel.

As Chillso explained, mat is a mass murdering psychopath in real-life. Therefore, it is only just and fair that mat’s entire family be stricken with cancer (before their public execution). As a man, mat must accept Chillso’s judgment.

The next day, Chillso made a simple proposition.

If mat kills himself, that would make it easier to mine.

Many years ago, the Mittani joked about suicide, and this is often cited as evidence of the Mittani’s depraved mind. Consequently, when the Mittani heard about Chillso, he asked mat to give the miner a second chance.

Meanwhile, Chillso reached out to local miners, including two imperial informants. As it turns out, Chillso is conducting a coordinated psyops campaign intended to convince mat to kill himself (in real life).

Chillso is allowed to do this. Right?

It’s just a game.

Meanwhile, Krig Povelli was warned by CCP, because he is Muslim.

I’m glad CCP has sensible policies, which are fairly enforced.

Indeed, Krig has been cursed for fifty years.

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #236

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #235

Miners are always looking for a good deal.

They sure got a lot to say.

What is wrong with them?

Evan got banned for calling someone a shit beta, and implying they eat fuck rice. That’s pretty salty, not gonna lie, but why does CCP intervene? The salt is amusing, not offensive, and nobody should get banned for making us laugh. 

We don’t play EVE for the terrible UI, glitchy mechanics, uninspiring graphics, or tedious grinding. We only log in for the engaging drama.

Only loosers and lossers report salt to CCP.

I didn’t vote for Trump (or Hillary), and I would have voted to impeach, but I don’t want to purge all the politically incorrect players. Let’s not cater to hypersensitive snowflakes, who seek to water this game down.

I enjoy a little “locker room” talk.

I love the passion.

I’ve got no issue with rice eaters, I’m one too. In fact, Evan is half Japanese, so it’s racist to call him racist for calling you a rice eater. Someone in London (or Iceland) banned an Asian, claiming he was racist against Asians – that’s reverse racism.

This is an international game, so let’s embrace xenophobia.

Maybe, if miners can work out their anger-management issues in EVE Online, then they won’t beat their wife in real-life.

A New Logo, for a New Era

Every few years, the Imperium evaluates the efficacy of Highsec ganking. Fortunately, we passed our audit, and The Mittani has once again acknowledged the People’s Democratic Republic of Highsec. Consequently, the ice interdiction will continue, until further notice. Meanwhile, in honour of our continued status as an independent sovereign state, I have graciously allowed CCP to use my personal seal.

I’m sure James would have loved it.

This design was produced by Zaenis Desef, and is reminiscent of similar designs by Blake McAllister and Sargon of Amerish.

Sargon’s version, some felt, was a little too good.

Blake’s idea was really the same basic concept. Zaenis and I looked at this, and discussed how we might improve it. Credit where it’s due, I never would have come up with the idea of putting myself on the alliance logo. Such hubris and vanity is far beyond me. I was perfectly happy to have James enshrined forever, in a hideous shade of orange. However, some people think it’s high time to shatter the glass ceiling, and put a woman atop our keepstar. Well, I can’t disagree, I should have called the alliance AIKO. However, I gotta say, Safety. will look pretty good on the nullsec map.

There were a number of suggestions, some that just didn’t quite match CCP’s formatting requirements. Gurt Benoit, for example, had a great idea. It was just a little ahead of it’s time. Once CCP fixes Walking in Stations, we will surely be able to permanently trap miners inside decorative bubbles.

I liked the message here, but it’s too wordy.

Dolphin Don wanted a sea theme, but it was too sexual.

Don felt we could use the logo to educate, about the dangers of mining, but we were concerned this might trigger recovering miners to relapse.

Tweeps wanted more of an early 1990s broadcast television theme, but personally I prefer pictures of myself. Can you blame me?

Before he was banned, Zuzzik portrayed me as a crystalline entity.

I thought the triangle S thing was cool (who made that?).

Globby suggested using the criminal timer.

Some submissions were good, but they weren’t the right size.

Ultimately, there were a lot of fine submissions.

Alt 00 had an interesting idea, which we could have developed further. However, Zaenis was the first to produce something with sparkly stars. Oh, how cute! 100% of the voters immediately selected his design. Subsequently, in their infinite wisdom, CCP decided to attack my fair visage with an eraser.



At first, I thought CCP was sending a warning. They didn’t do this to anyone else. No other logo has been so ravaged.

Why am I singled out for defacement, covered in dirty grime and scratches? Well, I know the reason. More than any alliance, we represent the gritty reality of New Eden. CCP has chosen us to represent their vision. Miners will never live to see the freshly painted logo. All carebears will ever see is how it looks later, when the greedy salvager scoops scrap metal into his hull, wondering who killed his friends… and why? So that’s fine CCP, if you want to scuff up my face, I’m gonna scuff up your crabs.

Regardless, people seem happy with it, not that they have a choice.

If you think it’s so amazing, join my alliance.

Together, we can save the miners!

Fw: Re: Demands

Previously, on !MinerBumping… we learned about the camwhores of Uedama, and discovered that Princess Aiko is bad at micromanaging you (unlike James 315, a big strong leader). There was EPIC Danuja salt, after she learned people who don’t log in are unhappy with her inactivity, and this metastorm is expected to last indefinitely.

When Aiko discovered the presence of rival camwhores, she did the one thing that is guaranteed to accomplish absolutely nothing. She reported the bots to CCP, along with screenshots and an evidentiary video.

After a few minutes, CCP concluded a full investigation, determining that humanoid player beings are content to spend all day staring at a Taint Licker (whilst steadily slowly scrolling up and down in local chat).

CCP sent Aiko a dismissive reply, closing the case. As they presumably decided, the real ‘content’ of the stream was Taint Licker himself, and surely the Uedama gatecam was not actually intended to show viewers the gate. 

Aiko just couldn’t stop crying.

She began spewing increasingly EPIC princess salt across the Icelandic wastes.

Fortunately, someone has at least bothered to login and do something. Cheng went after Jim Otsadat’s obvious bot, Hamanin Haginen.

Dolphin Don went after the other camwhores.

Afterward, Sargon wondered if Jim would purchase broadcast rights.

This intrigued Jim, who saw an opportunity to obtain Safety. and eliminate competition.

Sargon has studied my blog, learning the value of an upsell.

Jim is one happy botter.

He just wishes he could get back into my channel: Why Was I Ganked?

No bots allowed!

Now go away. I’m busy planning your schedule.

September 10

Today is September 10.

James 315, in his infinite wisdom, declared September 10 to be a special day, celebrating players who have been permanently banned. In some cases, of course, these bans were perhaps justified – in other cases, they most certainly were not. CCP has a long record of unclear policies, haphazard enforcement, and questionable decisions. We must remember that these players were, in many cases, decent people who had a positive impact on the game. Maybe they did something wrong, but don’t they deserve another chance?

loyalanon, even today, still ranks among the greatest EVE players ever. I’ve heard that he might have said something inappropriate in local. I wonder if they banned the miner who threatened to hack CCP servers, obtain my IP address, come over to my house, fuck me in the ass with a knife, and then cut off my head and masturbate into my brain? I’m just asking, because sometimes CCP enforces rules, and sometimes they don’t. Meanwhile, after all these years, loyal has changed for the better. He’s all grown up, a family man with a real job. He’s gotten good at Fortnite, and not bad at PUBG. He’s a nice guy, and a skilled gamer, so can’t we forget what he said all those years ago? I certainly can’t remember what he said, and I doubt anyone else can either.

Jerry Rin is one of the funniest, and friendliest people ever. I don’t know what you think Jerry did, but my research indicates that he was framed, by someone who deliberately conspired to get him banned. That’s not cool. When Jerry walks into the room, it’s like sparkles of energy just fill the sky. He’s always improvising and riffing on the most amazing beats. Dodixie is not the same without his infectious enthusiasm and upbeat energy. Today, Jerry works as a real-life Code Inspector, and he even won an award. Girls follow him around everywhere, giggling and laughing at his jokes. I do.

Fighter Jets GuitarSolo was cut down in the prime of his youth. A young lad from Nova Scotia, he grew up in a trailer park and struggled with demons. He murdered a man with an axe, and felt no remorse. Eventually, he found EVE Online, and his life changed. Suddenly, he was hosting his own game show, and he felt like he was a zillion megamiles tall. Then CCP came along, and he was gone forever. A little bird told me that he called a lesbian a lesbian. He didn’t mean anything by that, he just meant that she was a lesbian in-game, and she happened to be a lesbian in real-life. Oops! Today, Fighter Jets works as a professor of national security studies at Harvard, and he is a serial axe murderer.

D400 is one of the coolest people around, except just not in EVE Online. When he grew up, he didn’t know anything but his native Sami traditions, and he often wondered about the vast southern lands, where the sun appears in the sky each and every day. During the long nights, which lasted many months, he did his best to shoot empty shuttles. He was admittedly a space bully griefer, costing the miners tens of thousands of isk. I’m going to be completely honest with you, as I always am. D400 was banned because someone invited him to a chatroom. When you have someone in EVE set to a contact standing, good or bad, you automatically accept the invite. He wasn’t even at his computer, but his character was in the wrong chatroom, at the wrong time. D400 wasn’t banned for being associated with someone who may have done something wrong, he was banned simply because CCP doesn’t care if anyone actually did anything wrong. Today, D400 is homeless and struggling to find firewood. It’s cold, he has frostbite, and he ate a cat.

Erotica 1 was a weird dude, who loved to meet weird miners. Some people say that he did grotesque things, like ask miners to smear peanut butter across their chest. I’ve seen the photo, and it wasn’t even cringy, it was just dumb. In fact, Erotica never asked for that photo, but the miner decided all on his own to send the unrequested image. There was no torture! Meanwhile, Dolphin Don got temporarily banned for 3 days after sending a photo of someone with a cactus up their butt, but Erotica got permanently banned for a peanut butter photo, a little karaoke, and some white knights who exaggerated the horror of an audio recording which doesn’t even exist anymore. Last summer, Erotica asked me to marry him, and I politely declined. However, I see no reason he should be banned from EVE Online. Today he works as the director of a multilevel marketing solutions enterprise, selling cryptocurrency IPO offerings in the Cayman Islands.

Helicity Boson, concubine of the Sheikh and the mother of Hulkageddon, lives in wartorn Europe. It was hard for Helicity, growing up in a place where people don’t speak English, but she managed to pull herself together and started trading tulips. This allowed her to purchase a potato, and she built a small computer, with which she began to travel through outerspace. Unfortunately, her journey came to a sudden halt after she committed real-life cybercrimes, hacking into CCP computers to steal internal corporate data, and telling CCP devs that they should all be burned alive in real-life. Shortly after being permabanned, Helicity was permanently unbanned, when it became clear that she was right. Today, Helicity enjoys posting pictures of roleplaying dice on Twitter.

I’m not sure if Globby is banned or not, but I’m pretty sure he is. Globby went to Fanfest and was sexually assaulted by the Mittani. This left him feeling confused, and he poured his heart and soul into EVE Online. He invented the miracle of hyperdunking, which many beta orbiters have subsequently failed to emulate. I’ve met some of the greatest minds in the galaxy, but Globby has a special genetic disorder which allows him to overcome game mechanics. He’s the most nerfed player in EVE history, and he is being stalked by Matterall. Today, Globby is hiding out in Cambodia, living on his pension from the Los Angeles Police Department’s prestigious bomb squad. In his spare time, he enjoys volunteering for DolphinFacts, the #1 toll free 800 hotline for fun dolphin facts.

Brisc Rubal dedicated his life to maritime law, bribing congressman to guarantee dolphin fishing rights for benevolent international non-governmental organizations controlled by mysterious benefactors (namely, the Rockefellers and the Rothschilds). This made him rich beyond his wildest dreams, and he proceeded to invest everything into Keepstars. One day, CCP banned him, with clear proof that he did something wrong. Just when I decided that he must have done something wrong, they unbanned him and said it was all a big mistake. My lawyers have advised me to support Brisc, and to be quite honest, he shows up to gank in Uedama… so he can’t be that bad. 

Kelroth is a miner, idiot, and cokehead all rolled into one. The most fun I ever had in EVE Online was partying with Kelroth and taking all his money, but I know he has a lot more. Kelroth swipes his credit card like nobody else. His wife got so mad that she ran away and we had a torrid affair in Toledo. Unfortunately, just when Kelroth agreed to make me his financial advisor, CCP banned him for being an absolute moron. The Vancouver Police Department is now investigating Kelroth for financial crimes, but I just want my money. CCP needs to unban Kelroth so he can continue playing EVE, which for him basically involves sending me everything he has. CCPlease.

James 315, a newbro who was eager to explore New Eden, was permanently banned because of his egregious abuse of the new player experience. He was shocked and stunned, unsure what to do. After a few days, CCP unbanned him, because it turns out they made a mistake. They didn’t even apologize. Later, James was permabanned a second time, and then unbanned. Eventually, James got lucky and met a nice girl, who was actually a witch. They got married, but he died quite suddenly, leaving everything to his grieving widow. Fortunately, he is still alive in game, but in real life he is deceased.

Recently, Grey Ignis told me that his bio was arbitrarily removed because of some nerdy puns about things going in and out.

Grey is a real lady’s man, he just likes to get us girls all hot and bothered with subtle innuendo. However, some grumpy incel reported him, and now CCP has decided to punish him. They erased his bio, and isn’t even sure what was particularly offensive. Of course, it’s their game and they can do what they want. However, it’s weird how they overreact to one thing, and just ignore another. Ya know?

I don’t think CCP should turn EVE Online into a whiteknight friendly PG13 theme park. The graphic content of EVE Online, with its elite PvP and angry Chinese bots threatening to rain nuclear hellfire upon the United States, is what makes it such an engaging experience. Nobody actually wants to play Monopoly, because it’s a boring terrible game, but it’s fun to get drunk and listen to a temper tantrum. That’s what makes EVE enjoyable, because without such compelling characters as Dickcumpeniscock Pussyinvader, we just can’t immerse ourselves into the roleplay of a dystopian future.

Villains, who offend social norms, allow us to have heroes.

I urge everyone to spend this September 10 thinking about how EVE is better with banned players, who provide engaging content and meaningful gameplay. I’m sure that shitface MCshit, Faggorio Naggerius Twats, DickSuckinLips, and Penisfarts are actually decent people in real-life, so CCP should calm down and let players enjoy their game. Meanwhile, when we look back at the “terrible” things allegedly done in the past, we should remember the context of EVE Online. This is literally a game (and a company) which has embraced Faggot Task Force, the Ballsack Flickers corporation, Dickbutt Anonymous, and every possible variant of Adolf Hitler


CCP doesn’t care about botters, but we do.

I know exactly how to deal with these poors.

We will enforce the law upon them.

Our mighty fleets are standing by.

You can thank me later.

Miners wonder we don’t go to zeroes.

However, nullsec is too safe.

Highsec needs more Safety.

I’m here to help.

Chat, let’s go!