Category: CCP

Back to Basic

At first, Nabjorn didn’t learn his lesson.

However, he finally understands.

Nabjorn Amatin > I am quiting this game I forgot it was full of assholes congrats though on not being able to make it in the real world
Captain BeerMonster > calm down miner
Nabjorn Amatin > I have quit its ok, the gank just remined me that assholes exsist in this game as they no longer have a refuge anywhere else

Nabjorn is a born quitter.

When will CCP crack down on PvP antics?

Gankas hide behind CONCORD…

So Nabjorn vowed to go full basic.

Nobody should have fun in a video game.

Never go full basic!

Gangers just want dank exhumer scraps.

Nabjorn became a basic civilian.

He wants everyone to know!

Good luck Nabjorn!

Meanwhile, in J-space…

CSM 18

As leader of the CSM, it is my duty each year to select those individuals whom I deem most worthy. Of course, some people think that I should run for CSM myself, but as a permanent member and the official chairwoman, I have no need to engage in plebian politics. Furthermore, I have no desire to visit some third world ice volcano. No thanks!

VOTE HERE

Nobody should vote for Mike. Since Mike doesn’t play the game (by his own admission), he lacks experience. Vote for someone who actually enjoys EvE, as it is, rather than trying to turn the game into something it isn’t. Don’t vote for a vanity candidate who pretends the NPE is their area of ‘expertise’, or someone who tries to buy votes by handing out quarter-penny frigates (which somebody else paid for).

To be quite honest, the CSM is a scam. Numerous representatives have stated CCP ignores them. It’s purely a public relations gimmick, which allows CCP to pretend they care, while redirecting customer service to unpaid volunteers. Anyways, although I also don’t care about the CSM, here are my official recommendations (each of whom has generously paid a 1 billion isk sponsorship fee).

Amelia Duskspace

Anyone who hides behind the trig suit is clearly ugly, and Amelia is no exception. However, Amelia’s killboard is nearly as good as mine, and that’s pretty stool. I sure hope Amelia gets elected, and develops enough self-esteem to take off that silly hat!

Nuke Michael

Michael is one goofy looking character, but you can’t deny that he (unlike Mike Azariah) teaches newbros to play the game. As part of our continuing alliance with Snuffed Out, I hereby endorse Michael and wish him the best of luck in Ireland. Remember, if you aren’t voting for PvP players, then you are voting to dilute the game with PvE grinding.

Mark Resurrectus

I’ve heard the rumors, that Mark loves to eat salad, and isn’t even a real wormholer (in fact, he’s just another Goon). Well, there’s nothing wrong with salad, or Goons, so neither allegation concerns me. However, Mark is the only CSM candidate to acknowledge that ganking has been excessively nerfed. This is true! Most gankers have already quit the game, but at least Mark recognizes a legitimate issue.

=Paid Disclaimer=

=Paid Counterpoint=

Gideon Zendikar

We almost forgot Gideon existed, until we saw him on Twitch. Gideon made a compelling argument. The risk-reward balance in EvE is off, encouraging players to sit in stagnant safespace. We believe that riskier PvE will generate more PvP, and that’s the truth!

Phantomite

It’s hard to endorse Phantomite, because he’s such an insufferable geekster, and nobody likes him. He’s also a miner. I know, because when I told him to calm down, he started sperging, “Reeee I don’t mine anymore, look at my Harbinger reeeee.” Miner, calm down. We are still gonna vote for you, even though you don’t deserve it.

Torvald Uruz

If you want to vote for nice guys, at least find one that plays the game. Torvald may not have a clue, but he has a positive attitude. What a guy! A vote for Torvald is a vote for whatever he stands for, and he’s promised to stop running missions in Highsec.

Cael Caderu

Cael tries to communicate, although he fails to articulate any specific goals or agenda. However, he spends a lot of time cloaked up in some sleepy hole, so maybe he’ll think of something?

Dark Shines

Dark Shines is obviously a carebear pleb. Nobody else would hide inside a nullblob, defending AFK bots. However, at least he undocks, so that puts him well above the competition.

Pandoralica

Pando and Dark Shines are literally the same person, so it doesn’t matter which one wins. The Pando alt is more mysterious, and appears to have no specific agenda, but at least he undocks.

White Orchid 0rchid.

White O0rchid is our designated pity candidate. We don’t know anything about them, and that’s their fault, but someone said they are ok. Who knows? Perhaps we will find out…

*****

Although there are other candidates, I cannot recommend them, as they all appear to be vanity candidates.

I wrote a brief letter to encourage each candidate.

***BREAKING NEWS***

Pandoralica has agreed to tattoo my endorsement on his face.

I’ll allow it.

Yakuzan

Yakuzan logged in, to announce she quit.

Otherwise, she intends to antigank.

Yakuzan theorycrafted a successful ag doctrine.

Fortunately, Yakuzan doesn’t play EvE Online.

Back in the day, Yakuzan was a famous ganker.

This experience taught Yakuzan all the ganker tricks.

She could apply this knowledge to antiganking…

To prove it, Yakuzan orbited a gate in Uedama.

In reality, Yazkuan is just a miner.

Even miners have ships…

…but all 2007 players are failures.

Neurotica 1, Part 4

Neurotica 1, Part 1

The Sokhar Bonus Room changed EvE Online.

This was a real scandal.

Basically, Sokhar was a lucky winner, invited to Erotica 1’s sexualized ingame glory hole. After several hours of hard study, whilst reading a Wikipedia history of Saint Olga, Our Lady of Kiev, Sokhar became flustered. He began to feel agitated, and this triggered his wife. Someone, let’s call them Justin, might have made an unsympathetic comment about panic attacks. When that didn’t go over well, and Sokhar’s wife saw that he loved EvE Online more than her, the result was nothing less than a literal meltdown. It’s hard to listen to the Sokhar recording, which is why it has been lost to history, but you can’t help but feel bad for this poor woman, who clearly didn’t enjoy EvE.

There’s a lot that could be said, and has been said. An interesting twist is that Sokhar himself insisted no harm was done. However, CSM member Jester the Pleb led a whiteknight crusade for space justice, denouncing Erotica 1 as a predator. He saw Erotica not merely as a video game scammer, but as a real life monster. Ultimately, CCP sided with Sokhar’s wife, and perhaps that was best. However, the truth is less complicated. Erotica is not a griefer. He just wants sex (and money).

One day, Erotica 1 asked for my help.

I am not writing this as Aiko Danuja, a character in a video game. I am writing as [REDACTED], a polite lady from the SOUTH SIDE, a young up and comer from the block. One day, this strange man I didn’t know, begged me to marry him. He also happened to be Erotica 1.

Although I am a successful journalist in EvE Online, I am also doing well in this world. Sometimes, I just want to focus on real life. Indeed, it is lawful for me to discuss my ex, and his convoluted plans to fuck me (and get rich). So this is about my IRL relationship with Erotica 1.

Erotica made a deliberate decision to repeatedly and proudly reveal his identity to the world, with multiple posts across multiple platforms, all intended to attract attention to himself. I cannot respect Erotica’s decision to dox himself, but I will certainly respect his awe inspiring and truly boundless ambition.

He proposed to me, and I accepted (of course). This makes Erotica my real-life ex-fiancé. So please don’t begrudge me if I affectionately refer to him as Justin, because that’s his name, which he so clearly indicated he wanted to be known by. Of course, I’ll do his family the favor of not acknowledging the full name, which places me in full compliance with NATO privacy laws. So ya, we got engaged…

This is a story about a man, a woman, and the fate of the galaxy (in real life). She played EvE Online, and he was permanently banned (for sex crimes in outer space). However, what if he came back?

Along the way, I was guided by George, the CODE. executor who originally taught Erotica how to isk double.

Justin decided to make a blog four blogs. That was in itself problematic, as he claimed to be using the irl name of his infant child.

This would not end well.

On his blogs, Erotica openly came out as a man, who enjoys sex. Furthermore, he vowed to save the Ukraine, as champion of Kiev. Meanwhile, he became CEO of NFT Corporation.

At every opportunity, he gleefully doxxed himself.

Erotica’s ‘daughter’ intended to change the world.

To be continued…

Crazy Cat, Part 2

Back by popular demand, Crazy Cat!

What a miner…

Cat just wanted an appologuy.

Protip: There is a proper size for screenshots.

Rants can be endless.

However, screenshots should be less than 400 pixels in width.

Here’s a nifty chart.

Meanwhile, Catalina denied PvPv.

Everybody just wanted Cat to calm down.

Why was Cat ganked?

Hm, now there’s a thought…

Will she ever learn to enjoy EvE Online?

Finally, the court reached a verdict.

Cat is guilty as charged.

The end.

I said, the end.

I said… THE END.

THE END.

However, Cat had more to say.

Mission Accomplished

Every Aiko Day, celebrated on June 24, we take time to think about Aiko (that’s me) and worship our (your) beloved princess. However, as CCP has repeatedly nerfed ganking, I cannot deny that my activity has declined. As the most active ganker in the game, those nerfs were clearly aimed directly at me, and I take pride in knowing CCP developers are in awe of me. One of them wrote, “As you might imagine, your name often comes across my desktop…” Indeed!

Over the past few months, several people have taken to routinely messaging me, whenever they feel my activity does not meet expectations. In order to address these concerns, I have decided this is the appropriate time to declare victory and be done with it.

I have already won EvE. I’m a winner! Not in the sense of quitting, but in the sense of doing quite well, and being generally pleased. As a new player, I joined the mighty CODE. alliance, and watched as that alliance died. Afterward, I made my own alliance, and observed as it grew stronger than anyone could imagine.

I think my alliance is amazing. Unlike every other alliance, we tolerate no miners. We are purely a PvP guild, and we do absolutely nothing to help newbros. I’m proud of that. Meanwhile, I don’t know how many records I broke. I don’t even know, because there are so many of them, and I consider that a truly decisive win.

I have destroyed more procurers than anyone else, in the entire history of EvE Online. I have killed more skiffs, more marauders, and more porpoises than anyone, ever. Furthermore, I achieved my victories in the most difficult way, ganking in Highsec, where I was forced to kill the target in seconds (before invincible CONCORD bots automatically defend the target). I’m been playing with a handicap, and I still managed to become #1. I’m not ashamed of that!

I know a few losers are trying to compete, desperately whoring on keepstars and doing whatever they can to catch up. At this rate, if they maintain their current pace (and I stop altogether), it will take them decades. These wannabes made an entire wannabe alliance, and they still can’t catch up. I’ve left them in the dustbin of history.

I know some people won’t understand, but look. It’s like running a race, and I’ve lapped my opponent repeatedly. I’ve crossed the finish line, and am now drinking a nice cool refreshing cranberry vodka. Other people are free to keep running, as much as they want, but the race is over and I’ve already won. I’m gonna get drunk, have a little party, and move on with my life. If you missed your chance, that’s too bad!

You can no longer defeat me, because I’ve already won. It’s over. Let’s say someday down the road, I’m trying to gank a freighter, and you come along to antigank, and by some unimaginable scenario I make a mistake… so you actually manage to ‘save’ the freighter. Woah! Have you won? No. I’ve already won. Nothing you do will ever matter, because you can can’t change history or take back my outstanding success.

What does all this mean? Well, I have no intention to stop. I will continue to gank miners, and record their whiny attempts to emotionally manipulate me with fake suicides. I’ve simply won, and I consider my victory to be permanent, irrevocable, and decisive. Anything I do beyond this point is merely a victory lap, in which I celebrate my success and adorn myself with accolades. What it comes down to, is I’m just not mentally ill enough to think I have anything to prove.

I’ve been playing EvE a fair amount these past few years. I don’t need any justification to do something else. However, if you want one, I’ve been writing another book, and brushing up on calculus. In so doing, I stumbled into a scholarship program for alcoholic young ladies with a troubled past. Lo and behold, I’ve received a scholarship to study electrical engineering. Thanks Lockheed! I don’t really want to, but ok? In a few months, I’ll probably be thinking more about integrating imaginary numbers, and I really just won’t have time to gank barges.

Without further ado, I would like to thank a few people. If you are my friend, great! If not, get fucked. If you want isk, that’s fair, but you will have to wait until I quit (which is not today). Someday, if I realize I’m not going to play at all, I will absolutely rain isk on my alliance. Until then, just know that even if I don’t care, I’m still the best.

TamiyaCowboy

TamiyaCowboy brought a terrible crime to my attention. As you know, Tamiya is a veteran streamer. Over the course of a legendary seventeen year career, with seventy thousand hours of combat experience, Tamiya has dunked more than one hundred vessels. Unfortunately, his inspirational story reached a disturbing finale.

Our whiteknight champion was brought down, by an “instalocking hacker multiscript kiddy stream sniper.” Supposedly, I am responsible, because this “f****** b****” is a member of my alliance. However, I am not the dean of SAK, and have never met Caldari Citizen. Nevertheless, as Tamiya informed me, 2119440471 is a brainwave controlled minion of the notorious cyberbully, Adrian Vexier.

Miners dread this vexatious capsuleer, but Adrian is also not a member of my alliance. In fact, he is in another alliance.

Regardless, Tamiya described a brutal beating…

I began to suspect Tamiya was exaggerating, falsely portraying himself as an innocent victim.

As Tamiya explained, he was also bullied by lead developer Ergroth DeBruges (once again, not in my alliance).

However, contradicting this claim, Tamiya’s own viewers felt that Ergroth’s newbie Tristan posed no threat.

According to Tamiya, Adrian stalked him, trespassing upon Tamiya’s private public Twitch stream. In fact, Tamiya invited Adrian to the party! It is unreasonable to claim Adrian invaded the stream, when Tamiya repeatedly and personally invited Adrian Ergroth, whom Tamiya believed to be a “f****** total newbie.”

Meanwhile, viewers observed that the alleged “stream sniper” didn’t even want to join Twitch.

Subsequently, Tamiya began to trash talk the “f****** newbie in a piece of f****** s*** ship.” Tamiya called him a “broke a** b***** r*****” and vowed to “f****** r*** and literally f****** kill and literally f****** r*** to little bits.” Yes, our innocent streamer vowed to “literally rape” and “literally kill” Ergroth. That’s a verifiable fact.

They wanted to provoke an emotional reaction.

Within Tamiya’s toxic chat, virtue signalling carebears frequently violate the EULA of both Twitch and EvE Online.

As a journalist, I am an advocate of free speech. I don’t think bad language is that bad, because I grew up in the hard towers of a palatial estate. However, some people conspire to portray PvP players as griefers, whilst themselves engaging in griefplay. I don’t mind the inappropriate language, but I object to blatant hypocrisy.

Tamiya’s viewers wanted him to PvP a “newbie”, and plotted to “r***” Ergroth. Therefore, Tamiya invited Ergroth to Twitch, for the purpose of extracting newbie salt and tears.

Tamiya wasn’t trying to get away from Ergroth. Instead, he encouraged Ergroth to follow. Tamiya literally said, “Let’s see if I can bait him. I want him to follow me.”

Only turbominer Lucas wanted a boring PvE stream.

A career forum troll, Lucas has been ranting for fifteen years, in an endless crusade against video game PvP.

Why is Lucas so mad?

He just wants to mine in easy mode…

Therefore, Lucas hopes to remove PvP.

Tamiya tried to include Lucas (who was afraid of Ergroth).

Everyone else was ready to fight!

Meanwhile, Tamiya invited people to Twitch, including the person he intended to bait. Is it reasonable to accuse someone of stream sniping, when you invite them to your stream?

Wasn’t Tamiya asking for it?

PLOT TWIST: With an instalocking script, and smartbombs, Caldari Citizen wallhacked his way to victory!

As I watched this unfold, I realized Tamiya is a poor sport, salty after losing a fight he intended to win. He tried to bait a newbie, and got mad because they won. As a veteran player, he should know better. You don’t need to stream snipe, to find a pod on the Jita gate!

After his humiliating defeat, Tamiya switched to Elite Dangerous, a game where carebears pretend to be space pirates. Ironically, even this game warned Tamiya to be more careful.

Oh no, simulated tunnel snakes!

Tamiya failed again.

Without further ado, Tamiya’s vulgar stream is linked below, where you can hear him for yourself.

It’s obvious what happened.

Tamiya wanted to fight a new player, and lost. Subsequently, he made a false accusation, pretending to be the victim of someone he tried to bait, “We could just report him for being a f****** griefer… just to really rub some salt…” Meanwhile, he gloated about preferential treatment “because I’m a f****** streamer.”

What an angry bear.

He even said CCP devs are “literally f****** little b**** girls”.

That’s just sexist!

*****

POSTSCRIPT: Upon viewing this blog, at least one of Tamiya’s viewers has understood my point. Tamiya’s chat was full of people laughing at Ergroth, and trying to provoke a fight.

Tami still claims to be innocent.