Table of Contents: July 2020

We Miss James 315

Previously on James315.Space… The Saviour of Highsec died quite suddenly, surprising those who weren’t informed years in advance. Many mourners have thrown messages at the wailing wall, but there has never been any reply. Woe, woe unto those who have not repented of their sinful transgressions, for the Jamespocalypse has befallen us all!

Fortunately, a few good citizens recognized that the responsible thing to do, would be to throw a little celebration to commemorate the heroic passing of this great man. The funeral in Halaima was thus attended by a crowd of more than a thousand capsuleers, who gathered to praise his name in obedient silence. We’d like to thank CCP for reinforcing the node, and providing a free Fleet Stabber to all attendees.

Several prominent historians and space archivists have been clamoring for a complete transcript of the funeral, with audio bookmarks so that we can all easily find our favourite speakers. Without further ado, the agents of the Old Guard hereby present the official transcript [check against delivery]:

[0:15] Message to the Faithful – Encrypted

[0:30] Dance of the Goblok

[0:54] Message to the Less Faithful – Encrypted

[1:15] Dance of the Golden Catalyst

[1:44] Whadda Badasaz: “Now entering system are the shareholders, followed by the agents. Throngs of supporters are gathered in the streets of the cities and towns on every planet in Halaima. People from all corners of Highsec have surged into the system for this auspicious funeral. Waves upon waves of Catalysts fill the skies of Halaima I, and… what’s this? Now here come the Coercers, the Atrons and… oh, look there! Bumping Machariels! Standby, I’m receiving word that somebody’s taking the stage. Let us turn our attention now to the main event, which begins in a jiffy!

[2:19] March of the Mashtori

[2:52]: Jimmy315: Victory. Comrades, Agents of the New Order, and supporters of the Code – we come together today, not to mourn the loss of James 315, but to celebrate his life and victory with some of his closest friends. James 315 was many things: the Supreme Protector of Highsec, the Father of the New Order, and a friend to each and every one of us who has assembled here today. But to many of us, he was simply Dad. He was not the first member of our family that we have lost; and he will not be the last. But have no doubt – his passing does mark a unique milestone. Many of our fallen comrades could not be here today in person, to pay their respects. But to them I say this – we salute you! Your sacrifice is noted.

The New Order of Highsec is a precious thing. It is the only force standing in the way of ETERNAL OBLIVION. Highsec – or James 315 space, as it is more commonly known – was in fact saved by James 315. For this reason, he is not only the Supreme Protector and Father of the New Order, but the literal Saviour of Highsec. His words and deeds echo through the ages. He is thus immortal. He has passed, but it is important to remember: HEROES NEVER DIE. He is still with us. If you squint, you may even be able to still see him in Local. Today we have assembled a roster of Highsec notables who will share with you their memories and various recollections of their Father – James 315. Representatives from every major active CODE. corporation, and a few surprise guests from the past, will now take the stage. It is my great pleasure to introduce our first speaker: former CODE. Executor and bumping extraordinaire, Siegfried Cohenberg.”

 [5:15]: Siegfried Cohenberg: Hello, Siegfried Cohenberg here. The running chairman of the Bumper’s Union and previous Executor of the alliance. Now, James 315 is probably the most influential player in the entirety of EVE. Let me tell you why. Thanks to James, I was able to leave the ways of a bot aspirant, and ascend to that of the freighter bumper. And because of the direction that he gave me, I was able to spread the word of the Code, to hundreds of more than satisfied freighter pilots and I think the game is better off because of his influence, and his message for the carebears of EVE Online and for those who just wanna be a bot.

James is the One, who gave me supreme power over every single Highsec hauler in the game. With this new authority, I was able to reclaim hundreds of billions of stolen CODE. assets from Highsec haulers. This entire time, people were playing the game, thinking they were building wealth for themselves. But really, they were building wealth for James. Whenever I encountered a bot aspirant, that resisted giving up what was rightfully ours, all I had to do was utter his name. I would utter his name, and they would realize the error of their ways and immediately hand over what was CODE. property all along.

I’m saddened to hear that James has passed on, he was like a Father to me. You know, I really didn’t have much interaction when I was a bot aspirant, but he came to me and gave me guidance, was a role-model. You know, CODE., we’re a family, we all are agents, and James really was the best Dad we could ask for. You know, I remember back in the day, you know, James… He and I, that little bonding… We’d toss the ‘ol freighter around, you know back and forth. I’d catch it, he’d catch it, he’d eject, and we’d get a freighter. Some of the things, you really can only do with your Dad, just, you can’t do anymore, now that he’s gone.

You know, sometimes, he and I, we’d lose track of time. We’d be throwing that freighter around for hours. One time, that poor little guy, he was out there six thousand kilometres from the gate, and he tried to report us! You know what James said to me? You know what? Why not twelve thousand? And we had fun all night long. Just, ah, James. Man. You really taught me so much, about throwing the ol freighter around. It’s a sad day to hear that James 315 is going away, but my message to you, agents of the Code, is remember this one lesson, that James has bestowed upon me. Void might be the best messenger we have to spread the Word of the Code, but always remember, a conversation is maybe all you need to defeat the bot aspirants. You might be surprised at the results! This is Siegfried Cohenberg signing out, and farewell James.

[9:00]: Jimmy315: Thank you Siegfriend, I miss Dad too. We will next hear from one of the New Order’s greatest metagamers – Erotica 1. Erotica, take it away.

[9:12]: Erotica 1: James 315 has changed the game for the better, more than any other player in EVE, aside from myself of course. When I met James, around April 2013, I invited him to a chat with a lucky contestant. That was the day the future would change forever, I had faith James would participate, and James went with the flow. Then I bought some shares for the first time. Unfortunately, lucky contestant Constantine did not win the Bonus Round that day. His sacrifice set forth a new era for the New Order. Content creators and community leaders like myself, joined the New Order in droves. One of my favourite quotes from James, “A carebear can hide her true nature for awhile, even for a five hour Bonus Round, but sooner or later the bot aspierancy comes out, and with it the fatal consequences. Does that mean we give up? Heck no! It just means we fight harder to save Highsec. For more information, simply google MinerBumping.com Erotica 1. Perhaps there will be more new stories, on the new blog, James315.Space. As they say, I’m EVE’s St. Olga of Kiev, long live the New Order!

[10:24]: Jimmy315: Thank you Erotica 1. What a moving speech that was, and a great reminder of our roots. Up next, I have the great pleasure of passing on a few remarks from John E Normus. John is a fantastic New Order Logistics pilot, former CODE. Executor, and all around great guy. He always had full faith in our eventual victory. Unfortunately, he couldn’t be here today in person, but he did want the following statement read on his behalf. “You’re on your own now. James is gone, and you’ll need to forge your own path. Sincerely, John.” John, thank you, I’m sure James 315 would appreciate your brevity. Next up, many of you will remember Kalorned, as the man who once saved the CODE. alliance. Kalorned will now offer some brief remarks.

 [11:21]: Kalorned (smiling): Hey James! It’s your pal Kalorned! I just wanna say how cool a guy you were! Thanks man! Had you not created the New Order, I’d likely never have come across some of the best players in the game, players like Alt 00, Aiko, Tweeps, or even Zopiclone! Thanks to James, metagaming will always have a place to thrive within the game!

[11:41]: Jimmy315: Thank you Kalorned, you’re a great guy, and I know James 315 would appreciate your words. He told me so in a private chat yesterday, after I ran your remarks by him. Next up, we will hear from a very special guest, aiva naali, aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years, aka ‘lil bullet’, aka Agent Anvil, who is still hard at work attempting to conquer all of nullsec.

 [12:08]: Aiva Naali: Where do I begin with James 315? Someone, from nowhere? Hardly. We all had humble beginnings. James chose his path, to, well, to defend Highsec, his own kingdom. Now, when he found me, he pulled me out from the gutter. I may have started from nothing like him, but we chose different paths. Keep defending Highsec, big guy. Even though you are no longer around. We’ll all be here.

[12:50]: Jimmy315: Thank you Aiva, I can tell that really came from the heart and was completely voluntary. Certainly no torture there! Now back out the airlock you go. For the rest of us who have been around for a while, our next speaker certainly needs no introduction. For the benefit of everybody else, it is my great honor to introduce none other than Jerry Rin himself. Jerry, take it away!

[13:16]: Jerry Rin: I once saw James, uh, club the head clean of a miner with a Louisville fucking slugger. He was seven feet tall, and he could shoot lightning from his eyes. His cowboy hat was always tilted left, because that’s where the sun always was relative to his position. Hooraariggityrrarara babopboprubar babopadeepbopah. You know who else was good at scat? James 315.

The Code, you could argue that the Code is based on scat music from James. James’ original scat music. Well, he was good at scat, but really, you know, we grew up on a childhood, uh, area. We grew up together, in an area, with farms. K? He was a simple, we were simple kids, we were simple man, he was a simple man! We were shooting cans, at the farm and drinking malted milks in town. But word came that it was war, war with the miners, right, and we were too young, right, he was only fifteen at the time, but we lied about our age, and got in anyway. Got into the bootcamp, signed up, so we went to fight fight the miners, and fought in many battles. Fought in the foxhole, grenades coming at us, sniper fire, tanks, but we won. The battle raged on for years, you know we won that war… awarded many battles, some of which can be found in my bio. Now James was hailed as a hero! Many parades and dinners in his honour, statesmen, celebrities, the whole nine. Praise was heaped on his name.

We won that first war, but at what cost? Could we ever even get back what was lost? James was never the same. He began his work on the Code in earnest. You know, the Code started merely as thoughts, but it has become so much more. That old cliche rings true. It’s taken on a life of its own, and life may not be what we think. You know, life brings to mind a beating heart. Breathing lungs. Blinking eyes, things you can’t have down in the dust catacombs.

But the real life is in our imaginations, and who better embodies the definition of imagination, if not a simple man. An author, who puts his ideas to paper, so that they may live on. So that our children, and our children’s children, and their children’s children children, can access the wealth of ideas that have accumulated thus far. They will plug themselves into an information grid, and they will have access, and they will read every MinerBumping post, eighty thousand years from now!

A child will see a simple agent ganking a miner. He will look for a permit and compliance, but that compliance is not there! He will left his head and think, “When will total compliance be achieved?” And what then, eighty thousand years from now? The child reading this MinerBumping post will smile, and that smile will transcend space and time, and the physical limitations of this existence, whatever they may be! However many dimensions exist, there will always be the Code, and there will always be its creator, James 315. I once saw James, club the head of a miner, with a Louisville slugger. He was also amazing at scat!

Ahjibbidabotbajibbajibbda mdamememinimnimama mimimimimiminamina minaminaminaminaminer jibajabo kbowbwobo wwbwaaah! Jibbaba! Jibbada bopbooooo bababababa deetdabaaba bajibbadab abawhaddabaddasazj ayjajibaba jayjaymes315

James, you owe me fifty dollars, and I don’t know how I’m gonna get it now. Call me!

Bababadota baoeeeaaaaaa

[17:50]: Jimmy315: Wow. Jerry really is a force of nature. I know James 315 has missed Aiko since he was forcibly retired, by the carebears at CCP, just as we all now miss James 315, who decided to ascend to an even higher plane of existence after achieving victory in Highsec. His eight year mission is now complete. Incredible. Next up we have controversial agent of the New Order, Zopiclone.

[18:19]: Zopiclone: Hello, thank you James, for all the good times you provided to the EVE community. The years flew by, reading your guidance on the MinerBumping blog, you’ve inspired generations of new law abiding citizens. You’ve really given a good part of the decade to making EVE what it is today. Thank you! We salute you, live, now I’m getting back to the party in your name. I would light a cyno in your name, but alas, I must get back to patrolling Highsec for more filthy miners are out there without permits. Zopi out.

[19:00]: Jimmy315: Oh no, it seems that Zopi stole the show! Why does this keep happening? Now being wheeled into the auditorium, in shackles and restraints, is the villain Tweeps, on loan from the Hague, who will now repent for his aggregious crimes against humanity.

[19:22]: TheInternet TweepsOnline The Internet: I’m sorry.

[19:26]: Jimmy315: Ok. Thank you to the International Criminal Court for lending us this vile creature for the day. May James forgive him. Next up we will hear from a shining light of Highsec art and culture, and Director of the Conference Elite, Alt 00.

[19:45]: Alt 00: Many of you have grown accustomed, to reading your adventures on James 315’s blog. He provided us with a voice, he made heroes of each and every one of us, old and new alike. Our great general now lays dead before us. Now, when an agent joins our ranks, he does so without the voice of the Saviour. Whilst James was uttering his final words to Princess Aiko, Agent Shadow bravely led his comrades into battle against hordes of marauders, and as James passed, let it be known that it was new player Codus Maximus who hastily took up arms against his fellow miners. We must ensure that agents such as Maximus go on to achieve the recognition that they so deserve. And let it be told that Agent Aiko is working on her fine new blog, James315.Space. It is thanks to the efforts of members such as Aiko that we continue to prosper, as James intended. Our new recruits shall once again have their story told, and proudly celebrate their first kills of the week.

Yet, for all our efforts, there are those who choose to stand in our path. I must warn you, certain ‘agents’ within our ranks, now wish harm upon us. Let it be known that these bureaucrats, have formally declared Alt 00 as an enemy of the New Order! They have in effect declared, that all you who side with me, are also criminals! Princess Aiko has been silenced, and censored. A knight of the New Order, treated lower than an antiganker! Can you imagine a more terrible sacrilige? To my oppressors, I say one thing. Support us in our new endeavours, and our quarrels will be forgotten. Oppose us, and the New Order will not forgive you a second time. My esteemed friends, let us now lay James to rest.

[22:19]: Jimmy315: Incredible work as always, Alt. You’re a really swell gal – and I know James would agree, based on the frequency with which you appeared in his marvelous stories on MinerBumping.com. Well done. Next we will hear from an upcoming FC representing an upcoming corp, Shadow Cyrilus from Big Willies PVP Madness – a great place for gankers new or old.

[22:44]: Shadow Cyrilus: Before I begin, I would like to thank you all for giving me this opportunity, to once again voice my support for our Saviour, James 315, and help commemorate the life of the singlemost influential man in the universe. Without James, I for one would still be a carebear, doing repetitive missions for a few million isk a day. I would still be a mindless bot aspierant, with no soul to speak of. When I first joined the CODE. alliance, I was quickly made aware of the MinerBumping blog, and quickly came to see the light. Through the blog, James has touched us all, and turned us into better people, both in game and in real life. I hope him well, and am happy to see queen regent Aiko Danuja, his successor, stay so faithful to his legacy. Praise James, and may the CODE. alliance continue to reign over Highsec for the years to come.

[23:40]: Jimmy315: Next up we have some remarks from Highsec all-star, Krig Povelli. Unfortunately, a scheduling conflict prevented him from being here with us today, and so I have the great honor of passing on the following message from him: “James 315 is not dead. James is all of us. The foolish miner will claim victory over the Code, up until the moment our Void S tears into his hull and unveils his frozen corpse to drift endlessly in the space of The New Order.” Wow, those were really great words Krig. Thank you so much, I know we all feel the same way. James 315 is in each and every local graced by His Agents. James is in all of us, always! Our penultimate speaker is CODE. celebrity Zaenis Desef, EVE Online’s premier twitch streamer, and producer of amazing New Order content.

[24:57]: Zaenis Desef: Hello friends. This is Zaenis Desef. For eight years, James 315 dedicated his life, to a goal that is greater than one man. He’s inspired others to follow his lead. The goal for a better community, a better place for all of us. I heard his message, I was inspired to teach, to help others to become better. I owe a lot to James 315 and his teachings. The whole EVE community does. Without James 315, Highsec would be a boring cesspool of bots. Few people have had such impact on this game, as James 315, and his impact will be felt long after today. CODE. is forever, and on the day that CCP finally shuts down the servers, we will be ganking everything in sight shouting, “Praise James!”

[25:40]: Jimmy315: Thank you so much, Zaenis. Of course, it goes without saying that everybody should check out his Twitch stream and show your support for New Order content by hitting that subscribe button. We shall next hear, the Party Keynote Address to the High Council Shareholders, delivered by the Queen regent, Princess Aiko. The mere mention of her name, dear Comrades, should strike terror in the hearts of our enemies. In particular, the carebear politicians on the CSM and the carebear posters on the forums, with their vile accusations and slanderous lies. Withour further ado, Aiko.

[26:23] Princess Aiko: From the very first, I have aimed at something more, than becoming a mere princess. I have resolved to be the destroyer of the miners. This I shall achieve, and once I’ve achieved that, I shall find the title of princess ridiculous. When I first stood in front of James’ grave, my heart overflowed with pride, that here lay a man who had forbidden any such petty inscriptions such as, “Here lies state councilor, executor director, his excellency the Saviour, James 315.” I was proud that this man, and so many others in Code history, have been content to leave their names to posterity and their titles to me.

I ask you now, what is the state? The state is a ganking organization, an association of persons formed it would seem for the sole purpose, but to destroy the miners. I therefore, consider it the supreme task, of the CODE. alliance leadership to do everything humanly possible to strengthen our military strength, and bring the miners closer to James. If he must be dead, then so must they.

And above all, you, my dear shareholders, do not forget one thing. In certain democracies, it seems that one of the special prerogatives, of political democratic life, is the artificial breeding of hatred of the so-called ‘totalitarian’ states. That is, to raise public opinion against peoples that displace others, through a flood of partly disfiguring partly even fictitious reports! If we defend ourselves against the antigankers, and the carebears, then this is considered an interference in the ‘sacred rights’ of the miner. In the opinion of these so-called gentlemen, they have the right to engage in PvE content, but no one has the right to resist it?

I do not need to assure them, that as long as the CODE. alliance is a soverign state, the state leadership will not allow a carebear politician to forbid us from ensuring the utter and unconditional destruction of the mining caste. The fact that we remain a soverign state, will be ensured in the future by our weapons and our friends. Therefore, we owe it to the security of the Code, to enlighten the people about the true nature of the carebear. Many miners continue to be spurred on by carebear agitators, agitating against the Code and hoping to trick our agents into themselves becoming carebears, and being psychologically unprepared for the Bonus Room.

I therefore think it necessary, that from now on in our propaganda, and in our press, the attacks should always, always, be answered and above all brought to the attention of the people. In particular, all the assertions about my intentions, are either morbidly hysterical or out of the personal self-preservation addiction of individual politicians, but we know, we know, that in certain states conscienceless thieves serve to save their own carebear finances, and that above all, intergalactic minery hopes to achieve satisfaction and vindictiveness and greed for profit. These bears represent a monstrous slander, and we will root out their lies, and we will biomass them all.

[30:58]: Crowd (chanting): Cardboard is a vegetable!

[31:00]: Jimmy315: Wow, that was astonishing. Now, if you would please, please direct your attention to Planet I, for a very special fireworks show, and another special surprise, which will begin presently. Thank you.

[36:00]: Jimmy315: Another glorious victory for the CODE., as Princess Aiko has utterly destroyed the Invincible Stabber, armed with only six civilian gatling railguns. Wow, amazing. Gatling guns truly are the weapon of the people!!! Another great victory for Princess Aiko! Well done Aiko!!!!!

***

BONUS CONTENT: Erotica 1 also gave a secret speech, which was deemed far too boring for public release. The transcript is as follows:

Highsec has been made a better place because of James. Because of the man that he was, the New Order shall stand the test of time. Still, we must always remember him and the lessons he taught us. There is much we can still learn by studying his writings. A few lessons I have learned include…

I am Invincible and am afraid of nothing. I do not need corp members to fight my battles for me, nor do I feel the need to hide behind a corporate veil. I will fight anyone at any time. However, creating a corporation does cost over a million isk, which would cut into my profit margin.
 
Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company. To be good, and to do good, is all we have to do. Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time, who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done, if we are always doing. If men were angels, no government would be necessary.
 
The best form of government is that which is most likely to prevent the greatest sum of evil. If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in. No evil can result from its inhibition more pernicious than its toleration. I wish to understand the true principles of the Government. I wish them carried out. I ask nothing more. Our form of government can no longer be considered an experiment in politics. Crowned with success, it stands forth an example to the world and exhibits the proudest triumph of reason and philosophy. Peace, plenty, and contentment reign throughout our borders, and our beloved country presents a sublime moral spectacle to the world.
 
For more than a quarter of a century on active duty, my house has been my tent, and my home the battlefield. The law is the only sure protection of the weak, and the only efficient restraint upon the strong. Frequently the more trifling the subject, the more animated and protracted the discussion. The test of leadership is not to put greatness into humanity, but to elicit it, for the greatness is already there.
 
Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be. If the rabble were lopped off at one end and the aristocrat at the other, all would be well with the country. The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on. The real difficulty is with the vast wealth and power in the hands of the few and the unscrupulous who represent or control capital.
 
We should do nothing for revenge, but everything for security: nothing for the past; everything for the present and the future. Men may die, but the fabrics of free institutions remains unshaken. A cause worth fighting for is worth fighting for to the end. No other people have a government more worthy of their respect and love or a land so magnificent in extent, so pleasant to look upon, and so full of generous suggestion to enterprise and labor.
 
That’s all a man can hope for during his lifetime – to set an example – and when he is dead, to be an inspiration for history. A soft, easy life is not worth living, if it impairs the fibre of brain and heart and muscle. We must dare to be great; and we must realize that greatness is the fruit of toil and sacrifice and high courage… For us is the life of action, of strenuous performance of duty; let us live in the harness, striving mightily; let us rather run the risk of wearing out than rusting out.
 
Unless education promotes character making, unless it helps men to be more moral, more just to their fellows, more law abiding, more discriminatingly patriotic and public spirited, it is not worth the trouble taken to furnish it. You are not here merely to make a living. I have no trouble with my enemies. All growth depends upon activity. There is no development physically or intellectually without effort, and effort means work. Be patient and calm.
No one can catch fish in anger. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Good name and honor are worth more than all the gold and jewels ever mined. A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both. Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country. Books and ideas are the most effective weapons against intolerance and ignorance. I’m not a crook. I’ve earned everything I’ve got. 
 
It’s the quality of the ordinary, the straight, the square, that accounts for the great stability and success of our nation. It’s a quality to be proud of. But it’s a quality that many people seem to have neglected. We must adjust to changing times and still hold to unchanging principles. Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same. We cannot build our own future without helping others to build theirs. I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we’re really talking about peace. Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. We’re rounding ’em up in a very humane way, in a very nice way. And they’re going to be happy because they want to be legalized. And, by the way, I know it doesn’t sound nice. But not everything is nice. He alone who owns the youth gains the future.

Prejudice toward minorities is not permitted. For the sake of clarity, this cannot apply to all groups claiming minority status, but only discrete and insular minorities, which are defined as suicide gankers, Goons, and others who oppose highsec mining.

***
Wow, what a great speech. Amazing.

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 80

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, on James315.Space… Ancient prophecies came true, despite vain protestations from the faithless, and Aiva Naali (aka ‘quantum’) decided it was time to get the band back together. As our ‘lil bullet once again sets course toward Chicago Nullsec, we now continue with the rest of the story, as James 315 always intended.

There was only one problem. Just as the mighty CODE. alliance cannot achieve success through fantasy roleplay, neither could quantum conquer the real-life galaxy by raiding the laundromat and an adjacent junkyard. Miners can never hope to become stone cold spacelords, at least not without a little help from their magical friends. As the session’s designated gamemaster, Kalorned described the scene. When our powerful warlord checked his state correspondence, he noticed a bill from the War Council’s Official Financial Group. That’s right, it’s official, and that’s a big deal!

 

It’s easy to dream about building a space republic, just as James 315 once sat in Arvasaras, plotting his fateful course toward Halaima. Quantum knew the direction he wanted to go, but could he afford the butcher’s bill? Indeed, it had been some time since Agent Anvil made a payment, and Goonswarm Logistics was growing impatient.

Like any chief executive officer, Quantum gave the statement a cursory glance…

When you took the sum total which Quantum already paid, exclusive of funds diverted for private luxuries (such as rorquals, mining titans, vanity nyxes, personal hauling service, or ethical skillpoint doubling) and adjusted for various sundry fees and surcharges, it was clear that Quantum owed 20 billion isk (OEIP, or equivalent in PLEX). If he did not pay immediately, late fees would continue to compound, and his War Council Director’s campaign would face a potentially irrecoverable setback. Fortunately, there was some good news. If Quantum paid now, he would qualify for rewards!

The financial statement came with a special message from MiniMed

Quantum read every word of the memo, nodding with concern at the gravity of a global pandemic. This was no laughing matter!

Aiva didn’t need to write James and beg for guidance. He knew what to do.

To be continued…

 

Thou has been Slain, villain!

Hail, and well met!

Some people claim that the CODE. alliance is filled with roleplaying griefers, but nobody defies that stereotype more than Hero of HiSec. A space capsuleer who speaks in archaic Ænglish is nay ken a rollinplaye. The only conclusion we can draw is that Hero of HiSec is a real-life professor of classical literature, and an avid reader of such great works as The Tales of Caunterbury and (my personal favourite) Piers Plowman.

At thine pleasure, feast thine baleful eies upon yonder parchment of drawings of ye olde LOCAL! Verily and forsooth, dost thine Hero bringeth yon minere in upon ye newe channele Why Was I Ganked? forthwith to stand in solemnfull judgment!

Highsec ore thief I am Null‘s alt Amadeusalvin Yip was thus caught in violation of feudal lawe, and brought before the High Court of thine Princesse most faiere. This wasn’t Amadeusalvin’s first encounter with a shining knight of the Order. 

According to Amadeusalvin, he had already purchased a mining permit, and he objected to the notion that he might be expected to obtain yet another permit. It was an outrageous and totalitarian scam, much like being forced to pay for both a license plate and a sticker upon said plate! Was this illegal??? Was Hero of HiSec even a true CODE. agent? Was this all a trick most foule and wrecched?????

Your Awesum Brutha was asked to review his own records, and conducted a full investigation of the matter. As it turns out, Amadeusalvin was a criminal, and Hero of HiSec was once again lauded as a true knight of the realm.

However, this was not enough for Amadeusalvin, who appealed his case to the highest court of Halaima, where Sexy Shower Time sat in stern judgment. Everything was now on the line. If Amadeusalvin were found innocent, then our Hero and your Burtha would both be thrown into a cauldron of boiling neutrons. However, what if Amadeusalvin were once again judged guilty? Sexy Shower Time reviewed all the evidence, and rendered her OFFICIAL verdict. Can you guess what she decided?

***

***

***

Let’s take a moment to review some particular facts…

Did you correctly guess what the Honorable Sexy Shower Time would decide? That’s right, she judged the miner was indeed a sinnere, and allowed our Hero to once again seize hold of the condemned prisoner.

F’rsooth!

Jaymes beest deadh, yett yondr þrymman hroes off sé Neweordr doth liveth!

Kage Rage, Part 6

Previously on James315.Space… Kage1982 got dunked on, repeatedly, and was delighted by his glorious victory over the CODE. He thus began to celebrate in Isanamo. However, Ernst Steinitz removed kage’s tethering rights, and kage found himself whirling through the void, without a safety net. kage was hurtling around the Home for Young Miners, when he spotted an official ASL voice-verified princess.

kage1982 > they are trying to catch me but are slugs
Ernst Steinitz > kage did not have a permit when we found him ratting in his Barghest, that’s why he is sometimes a little angry at us.
Aiko Danuja > he isn’t salty though
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja like the inside of your mouth for ten dollars

Like many miners, kage found himself immediately captivated by the soft Voice of Highsec, and that siren’s call lured him into a trance. He fantasized about becoming a salty little, and jumping down the throat of his new vore queen. Once upon a time, Overmind Niminen had likewise beta orbited the YMCA, broadcasting romantic poems on all channels, in a desperate bid to woo the beautiful lady.

Now, it was kage1982, who also hoped to finally meet a real-life girl.

kage1982 > her ass is the size of frieghter no doubt
Aiko Danuja > Don’t you feel foolish, watching us win everyday?

Kage had forgotten about Ernst Steinitz, but now he was reminded, that mining permits come with a number of perks.

Aiko Danuja > What do u mean by a salty mouth, for a few bucks??
Your Awesum Brutha > I’d say 10
kage1982 > you know dam well what, down the docks every night you are
Whadda Badasaz > What does Aiko do, down by the docks?
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja hey dont talk with your mouth full that guys paying them 10 bucks cheeky maire
Your Awesum Brutha > Aiko Danuja thank you \o/

Kage watched, as Aiko and her Brutha performed a magic disappearing trick. He realized there were benefits to being a CODE. agent, and he was jealous. 

Aiko Danuja > What do you mean, my mouth isn’t full ??
kage1982 > awww kid , does daddy call it something else 😉
Aiko Danuja > i dont understand can you explain?
Catalyst Whisperer > How can someone be so mad after being ganked like a month ago?
Whadda Badasaz > You know Aiko is a 14 year old child in real life, right?
kage1982 > yeah prob why you got her onboard isnt it

There are some lines which should never be crossed, and one of those lines is that a miner should never dare to express sexual desire for an agent of the CODE. This is wholly indecent, like trying to molest the SWAT team, as they bash down the door and order you onto your knees. Calm down, miner!

Whadda Badasaz > Your sexual comments are very inappropriate
Your Awesum Brutha > kage1982 you are so pathetic
Aiko Danuja > Kill: kage1982’s Dramiel
Your Awesum Brutha > Can’t make that shit up

Presto, abacadabra, zap!!! Just like that, kage’s Dramiel vanished! Join us next time, on Kage Rage, Part 7, and we will reveal the mystical secrets of the Orient, and learn how CODE. agents made an entire spaceship disappear!!!!!

To be continued…

 

Kage Rage, Part 5

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James315.Spacekage1982 lost a Hulk, and a Barghest. As he bathed in CODE. tears, gleefully measuring his salt/hour, he struck an alliance with Chinese bots and began to proudly clamp his hands.

kage was thrilled to see CODE. agents flee Isanamo, warping their Catalysts away to Uemisaisen and various other adjacent mining systems.

The miners of Isanamo rallied around their glorious new supreme leader, proclaiming him to be the resurrection of Lahnius, and the latest Overmind in a long line of failed gobloks. Unfortunately, although kage welcomed the Maoist Miners Liberation Front, he often struggled to understand his new comrades.

They were an odd couple, but with a little effort, the Maoists gradually coordinated their message and continued griefing the mighty CODE. alliance.

Proper salt extraction is a team effort, so kage and Wind shuttle practiced their vocabulary, winning hearts and minds. As Chairman Mao wrote, political work is the “life-blood” of civilization.

Kage had a favourite place to preach, outside the Home for Young Miners.

Meanwhile, Ernst Steinitz was super salty, and revoked kage’s tethering rights. This was amusing to kage, who was glad to see Ernst triggered.

With a space bully in Isanamo, would CODE. ever gank again?

To be continued…

 

 

Killings of the Week

Oh boy, it’s time for everyone’s favourite weekly episode of MinerBump James315.Space! Change sure is spooky! Here are some bears that got dunked between July 19th @ 00:00 EVEtime through July 25th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

I’ve heard a lot of people say that Kills of the Week was what James loved the most, because he got to relax on the veranda with a nice cool glass of lemonade. Well, I don’t like lemonade, but I sure do like to write about myself and the mighty New Order. Hey James, I’m working on my Kills of the Week post, so how ’bout you be a dear and fetch me a nice cool glass of cucumber juice?

***

I deserve it, because when Depraner was dumb enough to continue flying a ‘marauder’ in the exact same place where all the other dummies have been dying, I popped out of hyperwarp and wrecked him with a little help from Shadow Fireball, Alleil Pollard, and Whadda Badasaz. That’s right, I’m famous, because you already know who I am. Anyways, if I just let Zkill pick the kills of the week, I’d basically be the rest of the post. Let’s see what else is going down.

***

E Bobber jay was bobbing about in a Kadorian mining belt, but Highsec is no place for a “maximum carebear”. You know, some people think we make stuff up, but with EVE miners there is never any need to exaggerate. Aaaarrgg and Pod-Goo RepoWoman sent the miner back to station. Hulkageddon might be gone, but Helicity Boson is right here!

***

They claim that CODE. is afraid to PvP, and won’t shoot ships that can shoot back. They even claim this when we dunk battleships, because they were PvE failfit. Well, Mallagan NightDiamond had an elite tactical destroyer, a souped up Catalyst with (get this) Federation Navy Magnetic Field Stabilizers. Zkillboard awarded Ulianov fifteen points, but he deserves bonus points, since he also had to fight CONCORD and the ‘police’. Does anyone really think Mallagan would have won this duel in lowsec?

***

The New Order is a beautiful thing, and our Pandemic Horde renters are getting into the game, blasting an Orca tanked Gila in Niarja. Let me give a shout out to my friends Highsec Goddes’ Lemming, lady aspin, and I Devour Lolis. Call me!

***

YangSham Po’s Chinese fit Loki was operating in a strategic location, when he was suddenly wrecked by Lupo lupindise, Captain544, and Herr Milbz. Xahaxaha, bro… Now that the CODE. is totally victorious, everyone is getting in on the action, and this mining Loki didn’t stand a chance.

***


The New Order isn’t just an alliance, it’s a veritable coalition, and our good buddies in Goonswarm sure are painting Jita. Asmodean Ishamael’s 18 billion isk freighter vanished within seconds, which makes me wonder what else he expected? I hope he enjoyed the content, and maybe someday I’ll get to hang out with strong alpha males like Blasty McVoidFace, Jayden Kusion, and Mjolnir Rage Torpedo.

***

After Depraner’s Golem exploded, he tried to escape, but was caught by cute new ganker: Buttercup Potemkin. Remember, replacing your brain with high-grade crystal meth might seem like a good idea, but it can get pretty expensive!

***

LAMENTATIONS: I find myself missing James everyday, and sometimes it gets so hard. I log into the  MinerBumping website and stare wistfully at pictures of myself, or watch a video about myself which ends with the  MinerBumping url. I sniffle and wonder whether James is out there, somewhere, watching me? Does he know that I still love him, with all my heart? Does he approve of me? Does he regret his decision to declare me as his only lawful successor for all time, bestowing the official scepter upon me, and proclaiming before the Mittani that I am for all legal purposes none other than James 315 himself? I wasn’t sure, so I set a candle on the window ledge and watched it for hours. Suddenly, it flickered, and I felt James come upon me. He entered me, and it felt so good. I know now that James still wants me. If he must be dead, then so must the miners. I speak for the trees!

 

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 2

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Kexis Yazaria was thrilled to purchase a mining permit, and had no objection whatsoever to paying more than 10 million isk. This is normal, as most miners yearn to escape their coffins.

After losing her worthless salvage junket, hyperlife wasn’t sure what to do. Princess Aiko decided it was time to teach the miner a few facts of life.

Hyperlife denied the very tenets of reality. Would it be possible to save her?

It appeared the permit sale was at an impasse. If a miner is ‘not’ a miner, then why would they need a mining permit? Indeed, hyperlife was convinced that her bright red killboard is proof of a warrior heritage. 

There was a brief pause, as Aiko ganked another miner. Meanwhile, hyperlife waited patiently, eager to resume their conversation.

Hyperlife didn’t want that barge anyways, and now she was even more dissatisfied, holed up in some station with no spaceship. The official alliance channel (Why Was I Ganked?) became her sole means of gameplay, and hyperlife was beginning to appreciate her new CODE. friends. The negotiation thus began. 

Other agents began to notice the hapless miner, and chimed in with helpful comments designed to facilitate full Code compliance.

Hyperlife was now ready to embrace her new future as a loyal citizen of the New Order, agreeing to return the assets she had stolen from James 315, and contract them to random strangers in a chat channel.

As hyperlife explained, CCP had failed to make PvE content engaging or interesting, and she was eager for meaningful PvP content. Although she was getting dunked on, at least she was finally playing EVE. 

Personally, I’ve never found this game to be difficult, and my friends also seem to do quite well. We are the most powerful people in the galaxy! Ultimately, the key to our success, is the fact that Highsec miners are lonely.

It was thus that Princess Aiko decided to establish and fund the  Official Holy New Order Treasury , established for the purpose of financing Highsec gankers. In a solemn ceremony, presided over by the petrified corpse of James 315, the Lady Aiko announced that henceforth the OHNO fund would be the official epicenter of CODE. alliance financial arrears. It is her pleasure and privilege to oversee this account, and thereby secure her mechanical control of intergalactic minery. Afterward, to commemorate this auspicious occasion, the Queen Regent dunked another goblok marauder.

You may have heard horrific stories, of the spooky CODE. space bullies, who are mean and cruel and endlessly grief the innocent carebears. However, the story of hyperlife reveals a fundamental truth, and CCP investigators can read and reread the chatlogs to verify this account. Indeed, the miners love their CODE. agents, and they give unto us freely and joyfully, for they know that the CODE. is the only interesting content in EVE Online. At times, it may seem that a miner is upset, or his wife may appear to be having a real-life panic attack. I remember one old twitcher who began gasping for air, clutching at his chest and falling from his chair. These displays may appear genuine, but we know that it is mere roleplay, for the miners love us more than they love themselves (or their own families). 

To be continued…

***

BONUS: You may have seen referral links floating about: Recruit a friend and get rewards! Now, carebears might tell you that these are only for new players, but I wanted to get to the bottom of the matter. Therefore, as the official Saviourette of Highec, I contacted my dear friend GM Dahui. Am I allowed to use the referral program to create endless hordes of CODE. ganking alts? Am I allowed to refer myself to EVE Online?

After carefully considering my request, and the full implications of his response, GM Dahui explained that players are indeed allowed to refer themselves. CCP knows that bears don’t have friends, and there hasn’t been a new player since my return in 2018. Indeed, the sole point of these referral programs is to help CCP scam Pearl Abyss, with some meaningless statistics about “new player engagement”. CCP wants every player to get a taste of the bonus room action, and with one million free skill points on the table, there’s never been a better time to biomass your old mining main.

         

 

Another Great Victory

The tragic news has riveted our galaxy, and he is mourned even in the darkest abyss. James was the man who strode forth and slew the beast, laughing as a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. He was the personal champion of Currin Trading, a brilliant financial guru, and the original scatman of Frostfire. It was James who successfully wooed the elf maiden, and publicly declared her to be his chosen Saviourette. It was a victorious life, and his victories are officially unceasing.

The Celebration of Life ceremony was a stunning success, and everyone who attended was left in awe. Some will wish they had more time, and others will wish they made time. Those who attended will know that we were there, together. For posterity, the official video will be permanently hosted on the intergalactic web, which was designed by none other than the ‘lil bullet, Ammiralissiomo Avia Naali.

As proof, I would like to show you unedited images from the ceremony. Behold, as the Old Guard assembles in the recording room and prepares the permanent bonus room, which will henceforth be the eternal tomb of James 315! Yes, gaze upon the Devil Himself, for Erotica 1 has claimed the corpse.

I now present the miner’s parade.

Overmind Niminen was offered as our sacrifice, in the Ganking of the Goofus, with Shadow Cyrilus enjoying the honour of teaching this miner the fundamental difference between an actual ganker and a common plebian. Here’s something to consider, I get an EVEmail every four minutes. How many people mail Overmind? xaxaxaxa

Miners are understandably obsessed with my amazing good lucks and zestfully clean appearance, but today was a celebration of Jim. If you could choose to possess any ability, having good timing wouldn’t be a bad pick. When he texted on May 25, 2018, inviting me for chilled wine and soft jazz, James knew just the right icebreaker to use. As the bonus room proceeded, I understood he was offering true friendship. That was definitely worth 315,315 isk. So I ‘rolled’ a ‘toon’, why not? Wow, a natural twenty!

As He wrote , “Once everyone’s here, we can get started…”

Well, here I am!

So check out my message to you
As a matter of fact, I don’t let nothin’ hold you back
If the Scatman can do it, so can you
Why should we be pleasing in the politician heathens
Who would try to change the seasons if they could?
The state of the condition insults my intuitions
And it only makes me crazy and a heart like wood

I hear you all ask ’bout the meaning of scat
Well, I’m the professor and all I can tell you is
While you’re still sleepin’, the saints are still weepin’ ’cause
Things you call dead haven’t had the chance to be born
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop-bop-bodda-bope
Bop-ba-bodda-bope
Be-bop-ba-bodda-bope, bop-ba-bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop-ba-bodda-bope
Bop-ba-bodda-bope
Be-bop-ba-bodda-bope, bop-ba-bodda-bope

Where’s the…

Yo, I’m a Scatgrr 

Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub

Repeat after me
It’s a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody
Sing along with me
It’s a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody

Be bop ba bodda bope
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope

That’s right, that’s right!

WHAT THEN IN EIGHTY THOUSAND YEARS??? ? ?????

 

 

PlexForce

We will be hosting the Celebration of Life at 23:00.
Dignitaries and notables will assemble at the Halaima Ice Palace.
There will be a live stream on the official CODE. YouTube. 

New Order Logistics was on patrol in Isanamo, where Your Awesum Brutha discovered a goofus, just two jumps from Jita! Remembering his training, Brutha brought neutron hellfire upon the vagrant . This wasn’t lee’s first arrest, nor would it be his last.

Brutha assumed the miner learnt a valuable lesson, but was surprised when lee wrote a snitty email, bragging about all the ‘loot’ he acquired. The official Saviourette of Highsec was truly alarmed at the notion that miners might be profiting from ganks, so I pulled out my trusty pink calculator, and crunched the numbers. Assuming lee had platinum insurance, and assuming he recovered all loot, his maximum total gain was negative 8.865 million. Nevertheless, lee was convinced he was getting one up on the ‘ol Code enforcers. 

Just to be absolutely certain, so there was no confusion, I went back and checked my numbers. I tallied up all the costs and expenses, carefully conducting a rigorous review of the data. I repeatedly simulated the destruction of lee on a series of platforms, reaching the same exact conclusion fifteen hundred times in a row, and thus began to develop supreme confidence in my impeccable financial analysis.

Brutha provided these same calculations to lee, noting that lee couldn’t possible have acquired much loot, since Brutha’s loyal alt recovered the most valuable items (namely, three light neutron blasters and an illegal mining upgrade). Lee knew this to be true, and he began to snarl and spit, like a rabid raccoon.

Brutha regretted lee was no longer interested in postgank financial analysis, but he accepted lee’s wishes, and offered a sincere handshake. This only triggered lee, who was infuriated to realize that not only was Brutha a good player, and a reliable accountant, but Brutha was also the better sport.

Our ganking hero went on to have a real life, yet lee had nothing to do but stare at his EVEmail inbox. After half an hour, lee decided to fire another salvo.

A week later, lee dantier was astonished when his Rattlesnake exploded!!!

His friend’s Rattlesnake also exploded!

Why?????

To be continued…