How to Sell a Mining Permit

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 5

Previously on James315.Space… Newbro Odbayar bought another mining permit, and was excited to meet isk doublers, treblers, and quintuplers. Some jellybears don’t have charisma, calling us Space Bullies, but we are professional helpers.

Aiko Danuja > Odbayar you need to send 30 million to Butter Button

Odbayar > Aiko Danuja you send me 30M isk ?
Aiko Danuja > you send to him, then i send u 60 million

Odbayar > wow

The old saying rings true. One man’s everything is my new garbage. Oldbayar doubled down on his initial investment, and then he doubled down again.

Would Oldbayar ever finish paying for his crimes?

Even the illegal ore was returned.

As Odbayar took the oath of poverty, he began to finally feel free.

He now understood what true friendship was all about.

He was also learning a valuable lesson.

At that very moment, Odbayar won big on the Hypernet raffle lottery!

Everyone was cheering for the little guy.

Meanwhile, Odbayar continued to pull random objects out of his hangar.

He was a big believer in giving everything to the New Order.

We encouraged Odbayar to think big.

Unfortunately, Odbayar began to have doubts.

What was wrong?

Odbayar felt we owed him more than a free ganking Catalyst.

Once a miner, always a miner…

Odbayar waited patiently, while Princess Aiko went to important meetings.

Would Odbayar ever get his new rorqual?

Not today friend!

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Odbayar was delighted to learn that mining permits are just 30 million isk, and every purchase qualifies for instant doubling. He wanted to get rich quick, greedily applying for liberal handouts.

Whadda Badasaz was generous, offering to quadruple Odbayar’s isk. Even better, if Odbayar signed up today, he would qualify for an extra BONUS.

Agents of the New Order are always eager to help newbros, and began patiently explaining how to create an official business contract.

Odbayar began voluntarily transferring his assets.

Many EVE players would let Odbayar dwell in isolation, without content, but our CODE. agents encouraged Odbayar to develop his own story.

Odbayar was happy to finally be playing EVE.

Odbayar originally claimed that he only had one ship, but this was revealed to be a rotten lie. He was trying to scam our elite agents, pretending to have nothing left, and yet he always managed to pull one more item out of his hangar. As Sun Tzu famously wrote, “You can squeeze water from a rock, if you squeeze gently.”

Odbayar explored his inventory, and was amazed to find forgotten items. Fortunately, Princess Aiko was willing to liquidate everything.

To be continued…

BONUS: Blake McAllister of New Order Mining Authority has produced this poster, perfect for your bedroom wall.

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Previously on James315.Space… Hyperlife was eager to buy his permit, and donate billions of isk to support the New Order. Getting ganked was a real gamechanger for him, and he was eager to stop mining. Let’s now examine another sort of miner, the unrepentant newbro. Little Odbayar hails from Mongolia, but soon found himself stealing ore in Highsec. As you might imagine, he found himself in quite a bit of legal trouble.

At some point, Odbayar was convinced to purchase a permit, but became dismayed when the license was revoked. Unfortunately, bot aspirancy is a violation of the End User License Agreement, as defined by the New Halaima Code of Conduct.

As part of the Pangalactic Ganking Amnesty Agreement, negotiated amidst a derecho on Agil-III, the official leadership of the New Order and the ranking shareholders of the realm have agreed to support a combined grand offensive against Highsec miners. It was thus that Odbayar found himself confronted not only by the mighty CODE. alliance, but also by our friends in Pandemic Horde. Subsequently, I was touring the official CODE. museum, when I found poor Odbayar crying to an empty channel. I could see he was desperately attempting to find someone who would sell him a new permit, and took it upon myself to invite this little fellow to a more active channel: Why Was I Ganked?

This was not Odbayar’s first time in prison, and he knew the routine, dutifully presenting his latest killmail for an official inspection.

After examining the evidence, I summoned Butter Button to collect rent.

Odbayar briefly malfunctioned, but was easily rebooted.

Like most newbros, Odbayar appreciated our help.

Butter Button was especially impressed by the professionalism of Princess Aiko, the Sword of Restoration. The New Order once again demonstrated that it was not only the master of Highsec, but Nullsec as well.

Odbayar was happy, and Butter was also satisfied.

Everyone was content, but could Odbayar negotiate an even better deal?

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 2

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Kexis Yazaria was thrilled to purchase a mining permit, and had no objection whatsoever to paying more than 10 million isk. This is normal, as most miners yearn to escape their coffins.

After losing her worthless salvage junket, hyperlife wasn’t sure what to do. Princess Aiko decided it was time to teach the miner a few facts of life.

Hyperlife denied the very tenets of reality. Would it be possible to save her?

It appeared the permit sale was at an impasse. If a miner is ‘not’ a miner, then why would they need a mining permit? Indeed, hyperlife was convinced that her bright red killboard is proof of a warrior heritage.

There was a brief pause, as Aiko ganked another miner. Meanwhile, hyperlife waited patiently, eager to resume their conversation.

Hyperlife didn’t want that barge anyways, and now she was even more dissatisfied, holed up in some station with no spaceship. The official alliance channel (Why Was I Ganked?) became her sole means of gameplay, and hyperlife was beginning to appreciate her new CODE. friends. The negotiation thus began.

Other agents began to notice the hapless miner, and chimed in with helpful comments designed to facilitate full Code compliance.

Hyperlife was now ready to embrace her new future as a loyal citizen of the New Order, agreeing to return the assets she had stolen from James 315, and contract them to random strangers in a chat channel.

As hyperlife explained, CCP had failed to make PvE content engaging or interesting, and she was eager for meaningful PvP content. Although she was getting dunked on, at least she was finally playing EVE.

Personally, I’ve never found this game to be difficult, and my friends also seem to do quite well. We are the most powerful people in the galaxy! Ultimately, the key to our success, is the fact that Highsec miners are lonely.

It was thus that Princess Aiko decided to establish and fund the Official Holy New Order Treasury , established for the purpose of financing Highsec gankers. In a solemn ceremony, presided over by the petrified corpse of James 315, the Lady Aiko announced that henceforth the OHNO fund would be the official epicenter of CODE. alliance financial arrears. It is her pleasure and privilege to oversee this account, and thereby secure her mechanical control of intergalactic minery. Afterward, to commemorate this auspicious occasion, the Queen Regent dunked another goblok marauder.

You may have heard horrific stories, of the spooky CODE. space bullies, who are mean and cruel and endlessly grief the innocent carebears. However, the story of hyperlife reveals a fundamental truth, and CCP investigators can read and reread the chatlogs to verify this account. Indeed, the miners love their CODE. agents, and they give unto us freely and joyfully, for they know that the CODE. is the only interesting content in EVE Online. At times, it may seem that a miner is upset, or his wife may appear to be having a real-life panic attack. I remember one old twitcher who began gasping for air, clutching at his chest and falling from his chair. These displays may appear genuine, but we know that it is mere roleplay, for the miners love us more than they love themselves (or their own families).

To be continued…

***

BONUS: You may have seen referral links floating about: Recruit a friend and get rewards! Now, carebears might tell you that these are only for new players, but I wanted to get to the bottom of the matter. Therefore, as the official Saviourette of Highec, I contacted my dear friend GM Dahui. Am I allowed to use the referral program to create endless hordes of CODE. ganking alts? Am I allowed to refer myself to EVE Online?

After carefully considering my request, and the full implications of his response, GM Dahui explained that players are indeed allowed to refer themselves. CCP knows that bears don’t have friends, and there hasn’t been a new player since my return in 2018. Indeed, the sole point of these referral programs is to help CCP scam Pearl Abyss, with some meaningless statistics about “new player engagement”. CCP wants every player to get a taste of the bonus room action, and with one million free skill points on the table, there’s never been a better time to biomass your old mining main.

=OFFICIAL CODE. FTLONCOMMS= 
*AUTHENTICATED*
<Author> James 315
-start-
DEAD FUNERAL 23:00 JULY 23 HALAIMA
-end1/break-

Let’s discuss the process of selling a mining permit, ensuring miners are properly cared for, in accordance with the First Amendment. Ideally, you want a miner like Kexis Yazaria, who was smuggling a Yurt Mobile Depot.

Empire Ganking Alt invited Kexis to the elite Why Was I Ganked? channel, and proceeded to explain the law. Notice how Empire avoids any hint of roleplay, and sticks to the facts. Remember, this isn’t D&D.

Unfortunately, Kexis fled the channel, attempting to avoid any personal responsibilities in life. For a lot of new gankers, this is frustrating, causing them to believe that miners can escape. Remember, the art of the deal is fundamentally a matter of persuasion. Let the miner calm down, and give him another opportunity. Be nice and friendly, never ever acting like a space bully. This is salesmanship! He wants to buy a permit.

Don’t be a betabear. Now that we are victorious, every miner has been given the red pen, as eight years of rebellion is unforgivable. Demand 30’000’000 isk, and wield the pink pen, increasing fees to 100’000’000. We’ve been patient, but our victory is complete, and the Jamesageddon is now upon us. Mining permits are still just 10 million isk, but all miners owe late fees. If the penalties remain unpaid, the permit is invalid and revoked. That’s the law. James told me so, and he was always right. Always!

Notice how the pressure steadily mounts. We implemented increasing financial penalties, and a third agent reminds Kexis that the loss of his mining ship (again) is inevitable. You can expect gobloks to hem and haw. However, they can’t help but respect power, because they can’t mine without permission.

Some weasly miners will pretend they have nothing left, or that they are planning to run away and hide. It can be helpful to explain that we have already achieved total victory, and there is no escape. Be completely honest. We control all of New Eden, along with vast swaths of Minecraft, Farmville, Second Life, DayZ, Runescape, Elite Dangerous, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, 7 Days to Die, Starcraft, Fortnite, Detroit, and Terraria.

It can be helpful for the miner to understand that CODE. agents will be waiting for him, no matter where he hides. For example, one miner attempted to flee into PUBG, but I simply linked him an official map. He thus realized that our agents are prepared for any illegal farming operations.

After you present the venerated Halama Code of New Halaima, and the consequences of any violation, you can be confident that only a certified aspierant would refuse to submit. By implementing this patented CAPTCHA system, you can do your part to identify farmbots and ensure their case is marked for BONUS investigators.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: If any miner purchases a mining permit, they will qualify for FREE refining in sunny Isanamo, just two jumps from Jita! Isanamo, the best little mining system in New Eden! If you know a miner, send ’em to Isa!

DOUBLE BONUS: Rookie gankers shouldn’t allow rookie miners to scam them! Rookie miners are STILL miners !

To: Sven Ole-Torssen
From: Mahlazia

Just an FYI

You’ve been griefing some rookies in a STARTER system. It is a blatant ToS Eula breach and we are reporting you for it. We are attempting to teach our new players not have them scammed with mining permits or repeatedly ganked.

Cheers.