In the Far Future

Each day of reality is a full year in EvE Online. Obviously, battleships cannot repair catastrophic damage in the blink of an eye, nor can a spaceship accelerate instantaneously to velocities exceeding several thousand times the speed of light. That’s nonsense.

We experience EvE through a relativistic blur. One minute lasts six hours. Consequently, capsuleers are ancient space vampires, hundreds and even thousands of years old.

James 315 died in Poinen, on May 17, 2012. That was three thousand eight hundred and thirty-five years ago.

It’s been nearly a millenia, since we acknowledged this, with a modest funeral. Roleplayers continue to praise an absent messiah, but people without autism move on.

Meanwhile, CCP has waged a Great Crusade against non-profit ganking. Apparently, if you steal billions from a new player, that’s ok. However, if you gank a half penny Venture, then you are a born again griefer. With this in mind, for the past few years, I have been meditating in lowsec. What is the future of ganking, after CCP changes the rules?

Antigankers are so incompetent, that CCP decided to nerf bumping, increase hitpoints, remove tether, and prevent docking. However, if CCP truly doesn’t support PvP gameplay, then why bother? I’ve got better things to do, than fight carebear developers. If they really want to convert EvE into a boring AFK grind simulator, well ok!

Ever since Falcon left CCP, emergent gameplay has been nerfed and restricted. The PvP community has declined, and content has evaporated. James 315 was inspired by Falcon, but today we live in a different reality. It’s no longer the same game.

I was thinking about this last year (yesterday), when I arrived in Gamis. It was here, two thousand years ago, where Kalorned established his home. A lot of people claim James 315 loved them. However, who did James 315 actually write about?

This is for you, Kalooronded.

I made a profit, but that was never my intent.

How to Scam CCP

Orcas have a question…

When will Hateless release his next EvE video?

Hawk vowed to kill Orcas, until Hateless makes a video.

Why is an EvE Partner rewarded for doing nothing?

What is he paid for?

Is it griefing, when you are paid to play?

I’ve heard the allegations, and let me be clear. I would never encourage anyone to visit that discord. His content is boring, like watching a grown man play Starcraft PvE by himself.

Nor would I ever ask anyone to take screenshots. However, since people (not associated with me) are taking screenshots, I might as well discuss what is already in the public domain.

Discussion is not illegal.

The Orcas believe Hateless got them killed.

Some Orcas suspect Hateless is ganking them.

Many Orcas feel Hateless is mocking their distress.

They know he is at fault.

They know Hateless is condescending.

They know Hateless is dishonest.

Fortunately, Hateless has a solution.

This EvE Partner wants to break the rules.

Hateless encourages people to violate the Terms of Service.

So Lexii decided to scam CCP.

This is a 2008 character , with 5 accounts.

They literally brag about AFK mining.

They’ve been ganked, and they have ganked (repeatedly).

This person does not deserve reimbursement.

Today I suffered an irrecoverable loss due to ganker crews in high sec. I do not feel I can continue to enjoy this game at this point. If my ship and cargo were reimbursed, Ill consider staying, but I do not feel like having to grind…

Lexii exploited the reimbursement program.

Will CCP reimburse your loss?

Venture Hunting Contest

It’s time for the tenth annual Venture Hunting Contest. This year’s host and master of ceremonies is Krig Povelli. So get out there and kill Ventures, Endurances, and Prospects. If you gank them with a mining ship, you will receive DOUBLE points!

GRAND PRIZE: 3 billion isk
Most Ventures Destroyed: 1 billion isk
Most Prospects Destroyed: 1 billion isk
Most Endurances Destroyed: 1 billion isk
3 x Runner Ups Receive: 100 million isk
3 x Honorable Mentions Receive: 1 Good Job Participation Email

Good luck!

If you would like to contribute to the prize fund, send isk to: Aiko Danuja. Offer not valid in Minnesota.

Hateless Blues

Wrathful Hawk recently declared a war on Orcas.

A lot of people claim gankers want to drive miners out of the game. However, when Hateless ragequit his EvE Online streaming career, Hawk offered an olive branch.

Instead of driving Hateless from the game, Hawk is encouraging Hateless to stop pouting and start mining. Newbros rely on Hateless to teach them how to use a dozen accounts to make easy isk, so he needs to get off his pity pot and get back to the daily grind!

Will Hateless save the Orcas, or will Hawk be forced to drive the entire pod unto the shore of extinction?

Desperate for the return of Hateless, many Orcas have fled to his Discord, where they beg him to make peace.

The response they receive, within the Hateless discord, is identical to the response they receive within my Why Was I Ganked? channel. Hateless and his cohort exhibit the same attitude, telling miners to calm down and mocking “emotional distress”.

The Orcas blame Hateless, because his manufactured outrage has drawn attention to illegal Highsec mining.

In the Hateless discord, they laugh at dead Orcas.

#WhyDidHatelessGetMeGanked? is trending.

The miners know who to blame.

Hateless pretends to help the refugees.

It’s not going well.

Hateless denies all responsibility.

Hateless claims Hawk would gank Orcas anyway.

The miners know that’s not true.

Calm down miner = griefing.

You do you boo, take a chill pill = not griefing?

Hateless infuriates everyone with his condescending attitude.

What a jerk!

One thing is for certain…

Orcageddon is nigh.

Will Hateless save the Orcas?

Not likely!

Cheers!

The Battle of Brap

Hello!

I’ve been traipsing through space.

Recently, I found myself in Brapelille.

EvE University sent their best bounty hunter to track me down.

It was a massacre.

Local miners weren’t sure what was happening.

Newbro Kha’ll barely survived.

However, he saw a business opportunity.

Catalyst salvaging is profitable!

Meanwhile, miners kept dying, one by one.

Kha’ll wasn’t even upset.

He just won’t forget.

Kha’ll found his lifelong space nemesis.

It was his first PvP experience.

He doesn’t care at all.

He’s gonna put a 145 on me.

Kha’ll is a real man.

He told me off.

Now I’ve got a real bounty.

Meanwhile, other miners noticed something amiss.

Raja Ovaert scrambled to salvage additional wrecks.

However, Charles Sheldon was mystified.

He was an EvE veteran, but had never seen anything like this.

Major Miner Sheldon soon joined the other wrecks.

Eventually, antiganking reinforcements arrived.

It was a bad day for the miners of Brapelille.

Sometimes, you just need to dock up.

There’s no shame in being afraid.

Thanks for the free advertising!

The Miners of Misneden, Part 4

The Miners of Misneden, Part 1

Previously, miner Nelforce quit EvE Online.

The other miners dared Alt 00 to destroy them.

They tried to bully and shame Alt.

They argued that Highsec PvP is bad.

They refused to pay rent.

They summoned powerful friends from nullsec.

They even threatened the sanctity of me, your royal Majesty.

They called me a witch!

These miners didn’t like me.

These miners were uppity.

These miners were crying.

There was only one way to respond.

To be continued…

Krig’s Korner, Part 3

Krig’s Korner, Part I

James fucked off, and now I have to do everything.

Ok, fine, let’s see what Ryan wants.

Previously, Warugaki donated dozens of billions to the mighty Safety alliance.

BREAKING NEWS: Wrathful Hawk made a superb video!

We now return to our regularly scheduled Krig’s Korner.

Hi.  It’s me again.  Last time, on Krig’s Korner, Princess Aiko let me out to play and I got into trouble 🙁

Fortunately, Asketus was calm, and I did not elicit an illegal emotional response.  Apparently, those are bad.  We must refrain from emotions in EvE Online.  Any emotional response could provoke an all-out dairy disaster.

I was still in my unemotional Korner when I ran into an emotionally vapid whale.  Everyone knows that I love have no particular sentiment toward whales and I merely wanted an emotionless experience.  Therefore, I respectfully initiated an emotionfree session with him/her/xie/xe/zim/zur/zing.

Princess Aiko says I can get a little too rough when playing. If I am not nice, she will send me back to the Korner! So, I offered my new friend a fair deal.

The miner accepted my dispassionate proposal.

He even sent some free iskies.

In compliance with the EULA, I felt nothing whatsoever.

Inexplicably, the miner ejected from his spaceship.

Imagine my surprise, when he attempted to gank me.

I could tell he was nervous. Look, when it is someone’s first time, you need to consider their feelings.  Don’t just start pounding and smashing.  That could elicit an emotional response, and I needed this miner to calm down.

Just like that, the deed was done.

Imagine my surprise, when he abandoned his own Orca.

As a good friend, I contracted it to him. Unfortunately, he did not have enough ISK.  I almost felt bad, because nobody wants to be friends with a poor.

Regardless, emotions shouldn’t dictate our gameplay.

His space-lunch money is safe with me.

I left him with some dispassionate advice.

Farewell, old friend.

He lingered for awhile.

I felt nothing, as he faded away.

Suddenly, he tried to bait me into an emotional experience.

However, I still felt nothing.

We are no longer friends.

He had a bad attitude.