The Best Revenge, Part 89

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… High Starlord avia naali, aka Agent Anvil, sent PLEX to support Goonswarm’s war against Pandemic Horde. Meanwhile, he prepared a second front against double traitor Vily. Unfortunately, avia sent the funds to Dolphin Don, instead of Princess Aiko, and everyone was displeased. As Princess Aiko consolidated power, in anticipation of the impending death and divine ascendance of James 315, Slackbot decided this was a good time to remind avia about new protocols.

Aiko then quizzed avia about the law.

avia was in a strict quarantine, and by sending PLEX to Don, he potentially spread a Pandemic Horde virus to Don and his beloved dolphins. Even worse, when Don was forced to retransfer the PLEX to Aiko, it exposed the royal heiress!

Aiko stomped into her room and slammed the door, spending a rainy week in self-isolation, as avia pondered whether he might have infected the entire Goonswarm High Command. Of course, everybody would be fine.

The intergalactic pandemic has made it difficult to interact, and many fine individuals have unraveled completely under solitary confinement. Fortunately, avia is a Suppercomputer which prefers isolation, and his brain began to whir. Why not use the pandemic to Goonswarm’s advantage, with rigorous training regimens? In particular, avia recognized that asteroids form space terrain, and he envisioned titans dug in on the high ground, obliterating hapless Pandemic infantry. As practice, Goon supercaps were ordered to move back and forth through the belts, using rocks as cover.

Princess Aiko sulked in her chambers, nervously waiting for a feverish chill, whilst avia brushed up on hybrid theory and lag gunned rail gunner tactics. During the Second World War, German and Japanese aircraft would approach heavily armed Allied bombers by weaving in between tracer rounds, thereby approaching to an optimal firing range. avia knew this same ‘weaving rage’ doctrine could be applied in EVE Online, but it would be important to ensure Pandemic bots were not exploiting latency.

Meanwhile, with the recent discovery of zkillboard.com, avia was delighted to receive instantaneous reports directly from the orbital battlespace, verifying that Goonswarm was still there. Everything was going well, and his only concern was that the enemy might try to throw a ‘haymaker’. Looking at you, Vily!

Fortunately, the Imperium is well funded, and we will win this war!

To be continued…

 

 

We Wish You the Best

Miners deserve their fate.

When I caught Sabbat Saint, with his hand in the cookie jar, I just couldn’t allow him to steal my ore. He was executed, in accordance with the law — my law.

Every now and again, crabs try to flex. They claim to have powerful friends in Highsec, proudly presenting someone else’s elite credentials.

Sabbat considered himself to be above the law, simply because he joined a Potato Alliance, which literally anyone can join.

Sabbat felt he was negotiating from a position of strength. Therefore, when we confronted him about his use of foul language in a family game, he paid no heed.

Little did he realize, Executive Potato Kalessi Kashada was watching.

Are PvE bears exempt from the law, simply because they know a ganker in Jita?

Sabbat Saint > i dont mine shit i dont mine…an ore in an iki who the fuck mines in an iki. i love that you call me a miner. what is that i dont know how to shoot rocks
Sabbat Saint > Aiko Danuja like my balls fuck yeah haha
Sabbat Saint > i love that your clit is the size of a button its a little rub me nub and that your a nice and quick shot no one wants to waste all day
Aiko Danuja > What does that even mean?
Zharayah Shardani > i think it means one pump chump
Sabbat Saint > and my balls are presented for you to have a lick. hard day of work
Miners-are-second-class citizen > very abusive sub species

I took out my pink highlighter…

…because that is no way to address a Princess!

This morning, Sabbat had an appointment with Human Resources.

The CEO made an executive decision.

Sabbat is a rotten potato.

He should watch his tone, when speaking with a Lady.

I’m ready for his apology, and 315 million isk.

This incident sparked renewed interest in the CODE, amongst various miners who try to relax within the potato patch. Concerns about being ganked led naturally to discussion of James 315, and his vision for the future of Highsec.

I certainly will!

 

 

 

Support and Encouragement

Usually, when we encounter a miner, he is sincerely apologetic.

It breaks my heart, to see destitute miners dwelling in misery. Therefore, I naturally try to ensure their ultimate success.

We all want the same thing, happy miners who rejoice at their good fortune.

Unfortunately, some gobloks are beyond saving.

Guybertini is one of the New Order’s most experienced space therapists, and he wanted to help Rais McKivit find clarity and peace.

Like most miners, Rais struggled with emotional turmoil. According to zkillboard, he hasn’t really done anything for six months, after losing three Rattlesnakes to NPC bots. When Rais saw Guybertini in local, he cried out for help.

Hidden inside a space station, desperately hoping for free counseling, Rais watched as Guybertini passed through the system. Unfortunately, Rais doesn’t have a mining permit, and I doubt it will ever be safe for him to undock. Sad!

 

 

Don’t be Mean

My venerated Why Was I Ganked? channel is dedicated to helping miners understand why everybody wants them dead. I could tell you it’s all because of James 315, and his wonderful blog, but James knew a deeper source.

People have been shooting Highsec miners from the beginning, when my Imperial Guards first claimed Halaima and the Greater Lonetrek. One evening, in Second Life, I met with James, Helicity, Karttoon, and the Sheikh. We became kindred spirits, mutually inspired by ancient tradition. More than twenty thousand years ago, the Spartan ephors declared an always war upon hapless helots. This established a fundamental law. The haves must exterminate the have naughts. Their villages must be burnt, their trees shall be uprooted, and their heads will be piled into neatly organized pyramids. إِنْ شَاءَ ٱللَّٰهُ

aphreshmc just didn’t get it. It often confuses miners, when we patiently explain why they were punished for illicit mining. They cry out in vain, gnashing their teeth, “But I wasn’t mining!” Just calm down miners, you are guilty.

Miners have endless excuses.

aphreshmc had been arrested in Obanen, where he was found adrift within an asteroid belt, orbiting the stormy sixth planet. PRO TIP: A ‘speed tank’ is only effective when you are actually moving. No loitering!

It has been observed that EVE is boring, spreadsheets in space, and not for everyone. As aphreshmc’s eyes fluttered, his subconscious instinctively resigned itself to death. It was an internal coup. His brain recoiled against bot aspirancy, and went on strike, refusing to participate in a mindless repetitive PvE grind.

aphreshmc was disappointed. What was the point of playing a game that you can’t even sleep through? He just hated the idea that he might actually have to try and pay attention. Meanwhile, Sargon of Amerish patiently explained that aphreshmc’s undocking rights were rescinded, until further notice. 

aphreshmc Pedro didn’t like this. He wanted to fight, but didn’t have a ship.

The notion of personal responsibility was utterly foreign.

Pedro braysn jill sputtered, with a corrupt vocabulary.

Polish Assassin reminded jill of his her own família.

This was a trigger.

Her Jackdaw was gone forever.

Her wife was gone forever.

What to do?

Hey, it’s never too late to embrace Gay Pride!

***

DEEP THOUGHTS

Should EVE become a spaceship theme park, with CCP catering to AFK carebear tourists? Have you ever wanted to lazily traverse a videogame galaxy, admiring tens of thousands of uniquely identical planets? If this sounds great, Voets Toets is hoping you will chime in with support for his proposal!

 

Voets wants a ‘tourist race’ which enjoys a five minute invulnerability, whenever another player targets their ship. All new players will be automatically enrolled as tourists, and they can remain tourists forever, freely enjoying all the PvE content they desire. What a brilliant idea! I can’t think of any objections.

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 10

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James 315 Space... Rudokop Forever was trapped in Soviet hell, beset by spooky American space devils. They were always there, communicating via hyperspace, and hunting him down. His alts began to die, his drones disappeared, and his Orca was buffeted by things that go bump in the night.

Rudokop knew that human sacrifice would placate the demons…

Adrian Vexier was thus compelled by the power of prayer, leaving Rudokop to mine in peace, with a set of cheap drones. Of course, Adrian’s spaceship had a mind of its own, and began gently bumping into Rudokop’s orca.

Rudokop sensed weakness, and decided to take the offensive.

Restrained by BoB’s love, there was nothing Adrian could do.

Rudokop finally had the upper hand.

The next day, as they were leaving the Bleaklands, James was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his alts heard him say it.

On reaching Jita, James entered the naval yard and began driving out those who were buying and selling. He overturned the tables of the money doublers and those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to haul merchandise through the gates. When evening came, James and his alts went out of the spaceport. In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Currin remembered and said to James, “Hearken ye forth! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

Curses are powerful spells, which can reverse the course of history. Rudokop knew the time had come to employ this spiritual nuclear option.

He completed the curse with a quick chant, and Soviet runes.

Yea, and it was verily done.

To be continued…

***

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The Best Revenge, Part 88

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Persona Avia Naali, aka Mittens 2.0a, aka Aiva Naali, aka Lord Anarky, aka the Gewnfuehrer, was safe and sound within Goonswarm Federation’s climate controlled quarantine bunker. Here, he outlined a new fleet doctrine, as Princess Aiko patiently took notes.

The class 2u trap appears to be an attractive young miner, but like a Q-ship from the First World War, it can quickly online hidden armaments. Meanwhile, class 1b general balance counter ganking vessels (GBCGV) offer a discrete middle ground between pure trap and actual mining ship. class 1b fits are custom designed for special ops, featuring blingy fits, disqualifying them for SRP. Indeed, GBCGVs represent the cutting edge of doctrine, efficient for both mining and combat. In conjunction with the top secret project dog box, Goon FCs have tools which can be adapted for any situation. With a roadmap to victory, it is up to fitting teams to finalize specific details.

As we now know, Agent Anvil, aka the Kingpin, humiliated TEST, via the infamous fleet dance. Several members of Goonswarm have experience in marching band, working night and day to coriogrife a spectacular show which caught TEST scouts by surprise. The dinosaurs watched with awe and amazement, as red triangles formed hypnotic patterns. All of this was mere distraction, as Avia the Magician snuck an entire battlefleet deep into TEST. Vily cried foul, and indeed it was another ‘first’ in EVE history. However, believe it or not, when avia initially devised these strategies, there was little fanfare.

Princess Aiko was overwhelmed by avia’s brilliance, and didn’t know how to respond. Of course, she conveyed avia’s orders to James 315 and the Mittani, but when avia paused  — there was silence. aiva might have felt like Sun Tzu, trying to teach the concubines, and wondering whether any would understand. Finally, avia addressed the Princess directly. Could she assemble the dirty dozen, a team of hardcore PvP specialists, the worst of the worst, who would lead assault fleet toward a glorious victory?

She responded, and avia understood the Swarm would obey his orders unconditionally, no matter the cost. As the fleet dance unfolded in beautiful splendour, the assault fleet penetrated deep into Vily’s soft blonde underbelly.

The dirty dozen could expect heavy losses, and many bees would die horrifically once Vily’s dinosaurs realized the fleet dance was a shameless trap, but these losses would only sharpen the Swarm and ensure strategic victory.

It was all about numbers, and the Suppercomputer done did the math.

Unfortunately, he accidentally sent PLEX to Dolphin Don, who failed to win election by proxy as Saviour of Highsec. Princess Aiko narrowed her eyes, confronting Don with a shrill tone, and an evil glint which would brook no defiance. Don meekly complied, acknowledging the new political reality of the New Order. Yea, and verily did James see what had been done, and he knew the succession is secure. 

To be continued…

 

Pay Your Rent

Every now and again, a new returning player will come to EVE, and they will decide to be a whale. They pay CCP a bunch of money, and CCP is happy to accept, because they know the New Order is here to balance the budget.

When James 315 made me the official executor of the mighty CODE. alliance, passing mechanical control into my dainty palms, he had one request, “Kill the miners. Kill them all. I don’t care if they are a two-day old noob Venture, or a Marshal, I want you to burn them out and utterly destroy them. That is my Will, and you are my little Sword of Restoration.” Well, I didn’t feel my dizzy self was up to it, but when the Supreme Protector gives you a direct order, you don’t sit around questioning His wisdom!

I was in a tizzy, unsure how to proceed, but people like Cargo Bandit heard my siren’s cry. They materialized out of abyssal space, ready and able to enforce the CODE. One glance at pokoko, and Cargo knew what to do.

It’s not easy dealing with miners. They lie, cheat, and try to scam us at every opportunity. pokoko didn’t want to pay 20 billion isk for her mining permit, even though it was offered at a fair and reasonable market rate.

pokoko joined my invincible Why Was I Ganked? channel, watching with uncertainty, wondering if permits and rental contracts are actually a valid part of EVE gameplay. However, as Blake McAllister of the honorable New Order Mining Authority conducted business, pokoko could see this is all routine. Unfortunately, pokoko is a tight-fisted Scrooge, and she roleplayed as a despicable poor.

Cargo knows how much I love the miners, just as James always did, and she mercifully offered a generous discount rate.

pokoko decided to play hardball, but Cargo offered a clear warning.

This got pokoko thinking. Maybe citizenship is desirable?

A valid CODE. mining permit guarantees safety in nullsec, lowsec, and jsec, and it also ensures absolute immunity across the entirety of Highsec!

pokoko could see the New Order is bustling, and the clock was ticking…

To be continued…

***

BONUS: The Saviour of Highsec is now a sexy Saviourette, and everyone has been wanting to show their unconditional love and support. Minerbitch thought long and hard, concluding that you should add SIMP 4 AIKO emojis to your Discord server. For one billion isk, you can have your very own submission tag.

After reviewing around one hundred variants, I finally settled upon my personal preference, which has a nice outline.

I like the attention. It makes James jealous.

I’n drink

This bonus room just got out of control, and I’m sitting here finishing a bottle of cranberry vodka, not really sure what to write.

People have been submitting quality content, and I want to write something, but that would also require me to sober up and actually do my job.

One of my favourite blog topics is myself.

I also kinda like Guybertini.

I don’t mind sharing this sacred space with others. Last night, I went on a sleazy date with some loser, and he was trying to get the details on what exactly I write about. I explained that people from all over the world write gibberish, and all their insane hatemail gets sent to me. I’m the disorganized center of the universe.

I checked out Twitch, and invited a streamer to my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel. It’s obviously the best channel in the galaxy. Like, hello? This nullbear was concerned that CODE. ganks hapless noobs, but when I dunked on a nineteen day-old Venture, even he had to admit this is amusing.

Let’s just face the facts, ok? James 315 put me on a pedestal, which confirms him as the coolest man in the history of EVE…

… and I’m just happy to help.

I love shooting miners.

They totes deserve it!

So, like, I’m not gonna stop.

I’m just getting started.

 

Europa Aiko, Part 2

Listening to: Sundown

Europe Aiko, Part 1

I feel like the galaxy revolves around me. My mom says I’m just a spoiled brat. The therapist says I’m a narcissistic sociopath, with underlying psychopathies. The grumpy bears claim that I’m a lawful evil space bully, and the police insist that I’m no longer allowed to dollar double at Wal-Mart. However, Li Gazer could tell that I’m a true Princess, a verified Lady of Agil. Li01 Gazer also saw the good in me, and so did Li02 Gazer, Li03 Gazer, Li04 Gazer, Li05 Gazer, Li06 Gazer, Li07 Gazer, Li08 Gazer, Li09 Gazer, Li10, Li10 Gazer, Li11 Gazer, CoverAgent, and MiFreightergirl.

We threw a surprise 65th birthday party for Li, a real-life Wiccan warlock, and leader of the all-star Mining Witches for World Peace. It was a lot of fun.

At first, MiFreightergirl thought we forgot about Li’s birthday.

Consequently, our initial encounter was a little awkward…

… nothing that couldn’t be resolved by a friendly chat.

All the space lawyers agree. This is required, by law.

Mi eventually calmed down.

So we got Li & the Mining Witches into Teamspeak.

At first, Li tried to scam us.

However, we soon developed an understanding.

I’m a nice girl, a Princess actually, in real-life. When I gave him Daddy’s phone number, Li consulted Google, and confirmed that I definitely am heir apparent to Savoia and the entire Hapsburg realm. I already knew this, of course, but Li was pleasantly surprised to meet a real-life Lady. His tone and demeanor immediately changed, after Lisa Tears described all the charity work that I support with my prestigious Oxford Fund. For the first time, Li understood the awesome power of the CODE.

Li was no longer a bitter old man, swearing and cursing. Instead, he was transformed, and felt young again. I naturally sang the Happy Birthday song, and then Li enjoyed some traditional karaoke, gleefully singing Bombs over Baghdad and about fifty-five other songs. I’m pretty sure he was drinking, as he began openly fantasizing about a beautiful woman who plays EVE naked, wearing only a tiara. My goodness! He really seemed to like the idea, almost as much as he liked the idea of multiboxing rorquals.

There was magic in the air, as Li held an official Wiccan séance. He cast a white spell of invulnerability upon me, solemnly summoning the magnets of the north, east, south, and west. Everyone witnessed Aiko become invincible, and thus it was time to transfer everything to James 315, because that’s how these things are done.

James 315 is the most trustworthy man in EVE.

Li was having a great time, headed straight to the Delve. On the way, he needed to make a quick stop at Aiko’s Tranquility Trading Tower, located in beautiful Perimeter. Li was duly impressed, when he saw my private space station.

It took a while, but each and every Li had their moment of glory.

One by one, they enlisted in the mighty Goonswarm Federation.

Even MiFreightergirl agreed to go ‘over there’.

In a game like EVE, friendship is truly overpowered.

As I played my lute, the Libots hopped into a biomass grinder.

On a whim, Li sold his soul, for a new Rorqual main.

I’ll see you in 1DQ, friend.

***

Dumb miner, you better take care
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
You can see me lyin back in my satin dress

In a room where I do what ya don’t believe

When I get feelin better, when I’m feelin no pain
When I feel like I’m winnin, and I’m winnin again
I’ve been lookin like a queen in a carebear dream

I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in my lovin is your first mistake
And I don’t always say what I really mean

I’m a hard lovin woman, and I’m feelin mean
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
Sometimes, I think it’s a shame
Sometimes, I think it’s a sin

***

 

To Stupid, Part 3

To Stupid, Part 1

When the Saviourette happens to be a beautiful young woman, miners take notice. They like what they see, but don’t like what it means for their wallet.

Previously, in James 315 Space, Alt 00 was concerned about a troublesome miner. Naturally, I understood right away, what she was dealing with. It’s just not easy being a lady. Female gankers have to work twice as hard, both dunking the foolish miners and simultaneously fending off their amorous advances.

Adrien Naline still doesn’t understand why Alt won’t put out.

He makes her uncomfortable, not just in-game, but in real life. It is disturbing to realize that someone is fantasizing about mining your mouth. It’s even more alarming when you notice that multiple men share this same obsession.

We try to be polite, but miners constantly push our boundaries.

We only want their money, and assets. That’s it! There is no need for unsolicited poems, rambling mails, and invitations to visit San Diego. 

This just continues, year after year…

CCP protects carebear mining autists, but the CSM is a bastion of toxic masculinity, and the angels of Highsec endure endless abuse.

Adrien yearns to abduct Alt 00.

Like most stalkers all miners, he is mentally unstable.

Fortunately, us girls know exactly how to deal with men.

Of course, they often respond inappropriately to rejection.

Ginger Ale907 posted an offensive image, which was not censored.

View the scandalous image, at your discretion!

CCP just doesn’t care, but even Adrien was shocked.

The other miners didn’t understand…

… but Adrien is starting to get it.

Gankers don’t date miners.