Farewell wodger1

wodger1, we barely even knew thee. Will there ever be a wodger2? Alas, your Elara fit Venture was not long for this galaxy. 

wodger1 is (supposedly) dying in real-life, and he just wants to relax. As everyone knows, CCP has won awards from hospice centres, the American Cancer Society, and the National Health Service, which hail Highsec as the perfect place to die in real-life. What better for a dying grandparent, than to die in a Venture?

knuF aknaynA, formerly known as Anyanka Funk, is one of the greatest Thrasher pilots. When she saw wodger1, she had no idea he was dying of cancer (supposedly, maybe), nor did she realize he was hidden inside a lonely post-Apocalyptic bunker, desperately struggling to avoid Wu Flu and survive just one final tragic day. All she knew was that wodger1 didn’t have a mining permit, and he was actively engaged in ore theft.

wodger1 died (in game) and was teleported to a magical place, known as Why Was I Ganked? Here, miners are free to seek solace and comfort. Unfortunately, wodger1 had no desire for adventure. He only wanted to mine.

The words dropped like a bombshell. Wodger1 is sick and frail, desperately wanting to mine one last rock, before that permanent downtime. Of course, according to The Atlantic, people often fake cancer, to obtain sympathy. Huffington Post notes that some people are psychologically driven to pretend they have cancer, to gain advantage. Psychology Today published a warning, that false cancer claims are a common element of real-life scams. From London, BBC Radio reports an epidemic of healthy people, who pretend they are dying from cancer. However, in a game like EVE Online, where nobody ever tells a lie, surely we should give wodger1 special accommodation?

On the other hand, perhaps we should just play the game.

Alas, wodger1 decided to quit. He couldn’t mine peacefully, endlessly, without any challenge whatsoever. So guess what, he’s just gonna go die elsewhere.

I truly meant what I said. I sincerely hope wodger1 enjoyed EVE, and I believe he appreciates knowing that Princess Aiko is somewhere out there, making EVE slightly more stimulating than watching a screensaver.

As wodger1 prepared to uninstall, agents sought to ensure that wodger1’s legacy would live on through other AFK miners. Carebears were utterly appalled. How could evil CODE. agents act with such callous disregard for the life of a miner?

Personally, if my grandfather were dying, I would advise him not to install EVE Online. I would absolutely never suggest that anyone try and utilize the Rookie Help channel. So I don’t feel I did anything wrong. I was nothing but polite, and kindly informed wodger1 that I intend to eradicate the mining caste. If he doesn’t like that, he might prefer playing another game, such as Candy Crush, Farmville, or Minecraft.

Must we pretend that EVE is not a PvP game? I’m a semi-professional chess player, in real-life. I’ve played people who were dying of cancer. I’ve played people in wheelchairs, people who are blind, people who physically cannot move a chess piece. I’ve made little kids cry, with tears weeping down their sad faces. Did you know, they would be absolutely INSULTED if I gave them less than my best PvP?

I’ll say this. Carebears like Curve Ature could have helped wodger1, if they actually wanted. They could have offered to provide him with mining boosts, and given free ships and ore. The carebears could, if they want, create an entire corporation full of self-proclaimed invalids, and work overtime to keep everyone happy. I guess Curve didn’t want to actually do anything to help, he just wanted to virtue signal.

A lot of people claim the CODE. griefs new players, driving them from the game. However, when you look at the facts, this isn’t true. Any new player who wants to learn, will find we are far more helpful than crusty old crabs at EVE University. We will actually show you how to win, and we won’t refer you to some outdated wiki article. However, if all you want to do is AFK in the other room, while your mining alt accrues piddly amounts of passive income… well, we are going to exterminate you.

Before he passed on, wodger1 set me to “excellent standing” and sent a private message. wodger1 doesn’t dislike me, or the CODE. He just doesn’t want to mine anymore. Also, he never actually claimed he was dying. I think he’s just fine.

Good for him!

 

 

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 92

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Space Lord High Supreme Star Excellency avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka 140, aka aiva naali, aka Megathronus Rex, was determined to ensure his place at the head of the Imperium’s mighty War Council. While Brisc Rubal and the Mittani talked in stations, avia took direct command of the fleets, to ensure the success and glory of Goonswarm.

Pandemic Horde was on the brink of utter annihilation, with the dance squad infiltrating past confused gate camps, and cloaky wolves nipping at the horde’s tenuous logistics. It was now early summer for most people, but avia found himself upside down, facing the approach of a harsh Antarctic winter…

Amidst a frigid blizzard, avia reflected upon the campaigns of Napoleon, paying particular attention to the advance upon Moskva in 1812. Just as Napoleon was betrayed by treacherous Germans, avia feared that the double traitor Vily might lead TEST upon Fortress Delve. Ah, but all this reflection gave avia a sudden burst of inspiration. What if he adopted Napoleon’s doctrine of the Grande Batterie?

Why stop there? Each nation has its own unique racial characteristics, and avia sought to organize Goonswarm according to natural tendencies.

Meanwhile, Princess Aiko took direct command of the anti-mining taskforce, and drew avia’s attention to the belts, from which Pandemic miners continued to pour minerals into the vast Horde assembly lines.

With his vast experience, this was precisely the kind of direct technical question which avia was well suited to address. He immediately resolved the problem.

The solution was simple enough. First, use a bump reflection to knock them away from their digg. Subsequently, kill all the rats! As Sun Tzu once observed, when a miner sees a digg without any rats, he is naturally loath to continue mining. However, what of the new nationalist doctrine? Was the fleet happy?

All was well, and everyone was delighted to join Heritage Fleet. avia smiled, and declared it was time for pod races!

As combat engineers returned to the Delve, and began work on the Circus Maximus, avia continued to innovate. With a stroke of sheer genius, he surpassed even Napoleon, creating the EVE equivalent of mobile horse artillery. Of course, range could be readily corrected by bumping battleships back and forth.

Meanwhile, weird things were happening, especially in Highsec.

avia was glad to have a new ally, because he was about to have a new enemy.

The Great Imperator let his foes know, he was aware of their plot.

Would that double traitor, Vily the Silly, heed this warning? More importantly, would Pandemic Horde be left utterly demoralized by a taunting?

The Great Mind War took place behind the scenes, a metagame confrontation between some of the most powerful players in EVE history. Of course, the result was a stunning success, as Pandemic Horde’s top strategist suddenly had a public meltdown.

avia was proud of his work.

It was nearly time to sound the Horn of Goondor!

 

 

Deal Storm, Part 6

Previously, in James 315 Space… Warrior McQueen lost his beloved Mackinaw, and a bunch of fancy implants. This really sucked, but he was delighted to learn that everything would be promptly returned, after one easy installment of 100 million isk. Also, there was a 30 40 70 million isk shipping fee.

After several payments, Warrior was ready to get his stuff.

Unfortunately, griefers are ruining the game.

Fortunately, Warrior’s friends were willing to help.

Unfortunately, there was a problem.

Was Warrior trying to scam Alleil?

Warrior was ready for his new Mackinaw!

Unfortunately, he was also an isk cheater.

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deal Storm, Part 5

Listening to: Cartoon High Trip #2

Deal Storm, Part 1

Previously in James 315 Space, suki storm was a contestant on Deal Storm, winning negative twelve billion isk. Although suki claimed to have only 4 million isk, Princess Aiko helped suki pull 100 million isk out of an empty wallet. When she did it again, suki realized this is a cool magic trick, and he was happy to make it rain. 30 million isk. 10 million isk. 30 million isk. 40 million isk. 70 million isk. 80 million isk. 100 million isk. 100 million isk. 100 million isk. 100 million isk. 500 million isk. 1 billion isk. 2 billion isk. 2 billion and 315 million isk. This is how you win EVE.

Everybody loves to play my game.

Surely, Princess Aiko can’t do it again?

You can’t stop her. She does it all the time.

Aiko is invincible.

It’s just part of the game.

Every game has winners and losers.

Follow me, if you want to win.

This isn’t a negotiation.

I’m a Princess.

To be continued…

ART THERAPY

zuzzik continues to recover from several unfortunate hauling incidents, expressing his feelings through a visual medium.

Deal Storm #4

Previously, in James 315 Space… Princess Aiko developed a master plan. First, you kill the Mackinaw. Then you charge them 100 million isk, twice. Next, you charge them 30 million isk. Oops. 40 million isk, not 10 million isk. I mean, 70 million isk! Also, they owe another 30 million isk, or 40 million now. So, 70… 80 is fine! Also, why not sell them an Orca for another 100? Why not another 100? And another? 

Miner suki storm was happy to be done.

Voila! In the beginning, suki only had 4 million isk.

suki storm > i hav” just 4million in my account

After investing with Aiko, isk was falling from the sky.

You can’t stop this girl! She’s invincible. Seriously, what’s her secret recipe for success? Is she casting spells? Hypnosis? Does she plan everything out, years in advance? Is it sheer charisma? Intuition, fate, or old fashioned Texas luck? Sex appeal??? Maybe, she was just born with it? Send me 100 million, and I’ll tell you! 

Suki was catching on. Alleil asked for 30 million isk, and would then normally state “Oops, I typoed! You owe 40 million.” Suki would then send another 10 million, and Alleil would say, “No, no, you owed 70 million, so you paid 40 and still owe 30.” This time, however, Suki just immediately sent 70 million isk straight away. Too bad Alleil typoed, because suki actually owed 100! Nice try, suki!

Suki was learning fast, and it was time to overheat.

Once again, Suki was bankrupt…

However, he was also a contestant on Deal Storm, where the price is always right!

Could Suki afford to win?

He had to think fast!

Think big!

Why would you use a cellphone to take screenshots?

Miners love me, and they love my content.

To be continued…

Deal Storm #3

Previously in James 315 Space… suki lost a Mackinaw, and paid 100 million isk to get it back. Maybe it exploded, but perhaps it dropped as a lootable item? Princess Aiko is a nice lady, so suki paid twice, and bought an Orca for another 100 million. He also paid 30 million plus 10 million plus 30 million. He did it again (and again).

Even antigankers stand in awe of me, and well they should. EVE is a game, like Monopoly. Except, when I visit your Boardwalk hotel, you will pay me for the privilege of my presence. Also, why don’t you hand over those blue cards, thank you!

Back when I invented isk quintupling, I understood the importance of a solid telemarketing script. Once you bring the client into a money funnel, you don’t want them to escape. I eventually realized you don’t need to return any isk at all. Just keep being honest, and calmly explain the terms and conditions. You will quintuple your money in no time! Suki owed me 100 million isk. He also owed 30 million isk for shipping and handling. Oops. I typoed. He actually owes me 40 million isk. Why did he only send 10 million more? Shipping and handling is 70 million, so he just needs to pay 30 million!

It’s ok to improvise and innovate. Jerry Rin might be dead and gone, forever and ever, but Aiko is here to save you. Just listen closely and understand. Shabba wabba doo wat do wat. 10 million? 30 million? 40 million? 50 million? 100 million? Just send me all your isk, just send it all to me, and I’ll spend it on myself.

Did you ever wonder how Aiko got so space rich?

I’m soooo good at EVE. I’ll let my assistant take over.

Oh boy, suki is about to get his Mackinaw and an Orca!

I even helped out antiganker Talivaldis.

Sometimes, I make it rain.

10 million isk for a mining permit? Haha, I think we can do a bit better.

Alas, poor suki was bankrupt – or was he just lying?

He paid Talivaldis twice, then he paid me thrice more.

I just need (another) 100 million!

We aren’t done suki. There’s no escaping the spider queen’s web!

I love to suck men dry, and they kinda enjoy it.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Newbro PartTimeJerk got dunked in his Venture. Three times, according to zKillboard. EVE would be boring without the CODE.

***

DOUBLE BONUS: I sure do love shooting bot Ventures!

 

 

 

 

Deal Storm #2

Previously in James 315 Space…suki storm lost a Mackinaw. In order to get a new Mackinaw, he paid 100 million isk to Princess Aiko. Rewind. Before paying 100 million, he paid another 100 million.

Aiko Danuja > hello miner
Kalorned > Hi!
suki storm > i’am not miner do’nt take the risk
No Bodiei > Aiko is drunk

Aiko Danuja > Suki, pay me 100 million isk or I will gank you again
suki storm > it was my first dit to minning since a moment i can do some mistake no ?
Aiko Danuja > I will destroy another miner ship, unless you pay me 100,000,000.
suki storm > i have no isk by you fault

He claimed to have no money, but miners are liars.

Aiko Danuja > Once you send the isk, I will send you a receipt as confirmation of payment. If you do not pay, I will not allow you to mine.
suki storm > i hav” just 4million in my account

Aiko Danuja > Good, now find another 96 million.
Buttercup Potemkin > hurry up miner
suki storm > if you continue to speak as this i go to be rebel
suki storm > you think you can destroy a kronos in few second ?
Aiko Danuja > i can kill a kronos easy
suki storm > with what you kill a kronos XD
suki storm > yeah it’s really my problem

He still needed to pay 100 million isk.

That’s 100 million, not 4 plus 96. He also needed to pay 30 million isk for shipping. Er, um, 40 million. No, I didn’t mean 30 million plus 10 million = 40 million. I meant 30 + 40 = 70 million. Hurry up, miner!

suki storm > your number is your power that’s all
Netheril X > Did I make you cum when you blew up my ship?
suki storm > i want just play i, peace
Elise Shomitzsu > No wonder no one likes this shit game.
No Bodiei > suki storm u have to pay for pillow talk
Aiko Danuja > Elise is just grumpy, because her mackinaw exploded.

So suki paid, and paid, and paid again (and again).

No Bodiei > you won’t see anything like this anywhere else in eve. It;s like one of the great wonders of eve that should be seen on a grand tour

He also needed to tip the delivery driver.

It is customary to also tip the other driver.

The standard tip is 30 million. I mispoke, 40 million. That’s 70 million! Or 80?

If there is a third driver, you must tip again. Always! The fee is just 30 millon. I mean, 40 million, 70 million!

This is the art of the deal.

Shipping is free, but you have to pay the Uedama toll (again)!

It’s just 30 million. I mean, you owe 40. So 70, right?

Don’t forget about the other delivery driver!

Fortuna Avarice Cash > ruthless
Blackcobra14 > i wish i could be drunk, this would be more fun
Valiran Teleros > It’s a bad habit. Don’t do it.
Talivaldis > what a wonderous and joyful thing to behold the princess
Purgo > Amazing Aiko

To be continued…

Deal Storm

suki storm lost a Mackinaw.

I wanted to help.

I like to help.

Everybody wanted to help suki.

He just needed to pay.

So he paid…

…and he paid…

…and he paid.

It’s important to pay the entire fee, in full.

I’m really good at this.

I’m one of the best.

I just need more money.

I’m very good.

I am the best.

I’m a content creator.

To be continued…

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 91

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously in James 315 Space… Goonswarm has a new FC, the High Lord Sky Marshal avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka ‘lil Mittens, aka James 315 2.0, aka He Who Knocks Upon Stars. avia recently transcended space, time, and basic mechanics, learning to master the ultimate power of the galaxy. Rat bombs and rweaking ballquals exploded across nullsec, as avia developed increasingly powerful supperweapons, becoming the first capsuleer in history to proclaim himself Queen of the Rats.

Unfortunately, the power of a rat queen is too awesome to behold, and avia forbid Goonswarm to ever use this weapon of sheer terror and infinite destruction. Even if all of Delve were lost to the Horde, and the Horn of Gondor shattered asunder, only a fool would dare to summon the dread Leviathan Cthulhu.

Now that he possesssed infinite power, avia resumed taunting Pandemic Horde from the MinerBumping.com blog comments. As avia knew, MinerBumping was the center of the Imperium, and an ideal place to humiliate his enemies.

Pandemic Horde spies worked overtime to try and mislead avia, pretending that there was no war at all. However, the truth is now plain as day.

avia gloated over his foolish adversaries, revealing that the entire war has been just a mere training exercise for the Imperial Navy.

As Pandemic Horde writhed in misery, caught in avia’s web of training skank traps, he dutifully made another payment to fund the mighty swarm.

Now that bills were paid, it was time to issue new orders.

AGBee 001 was directed to make a leap frog attack. Meanwhile, lanceing fleet caused chaos, and cloaky wolves permanently blocked the road to Jita. In the rear, a line of rorquals firmly blocked Pandemic counterattacks.

With their frontline torn asunder, Pandemic Horde was sorely unprepared for phase II of the operation. Sleeper agents, hidden inside the Horde for years, suddenly awoke and volunteered for guard duty. These spies let dancing fleet slip deeper inside Horde’s inner nest, triggering awestruck confusion wherever they might cast their allure. In turn, this provided cover for logistics spies, who systematically photographed schedules, and placed grenades into the very cogs of Pandemic industry.

However, could avia survive a harsh Antarctic winter?

To be continued…

***

BONUS VIDEOS: Have you ever wondered what Ventures do after they get podded? Where do they go, what do they think about? Fortunately, McDubbzyTTV was streaming his own afterlife. Is this the start of a war?

 

 

 

 

A hard knock

OFFICIAL NEW ORDER ANNOUNCEMENT

As your Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce a promo contest.

I would never want my actions to conflict with the infallible judgment of James 315, so I cleared this with him via seance, and the ouija planchette pointed at me. I suspected that Kroppina was manipulating the board, but Alt 00 saw it move autonomously. This demonstrates that James truly loves me. I also sat for three hours in a dark room, watching a candle, and it flickered when I whispered his name. Once again, this confirms beyond doubt, that I am the one true heiress to anything and everything.

With great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to officially endorse this contest. James wouldn’t want us to merely sit in station, docked up and praising his name ad nauseam. He always detested sycophants, who need him to authorize each and every decision. Nor is he satisfied with those who merely undock and gank. He expects us to be civil, creating art and culture, beyond the bare minimum. I know this, because we are intimately mind melded, forever and ever. Amen.

I agree wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no interest in EVE Online, but I have every interest in the Order. This galaxy was once ruled by a fickle demon, the cheater BoB. James killed this beast, and a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. In this way, the galaxy finally became interesting, and with the help of the VCBees (and a certain Khanid princess), James saved everyone from eternal boredom.

Once upon a time, Katia Sae decided to visit every star system, and took screenshots to document her journey. This sounds absolutely dreadful, mainly because Katia refused to engage in any actual gameplay. When other spaceships appeared, she would simply log out of her client, waiting for them to go away. In some cases, a stalemate would last weeks, and it took more than a decade for Katia to navigate her tiresome path. CCP likes to celebrate this ‘amazing’ journey, but it’s really just a testament to how incredibly boring EVE can be. Some players literally spend years doing nothing much.

Alani Prinz offers 315 Catalysts, to whomsoever submits the best photo. Since the rules are unclear, I will make them up as I please. Our contest will continue for at least one month, and there must be contestants. Images should be high resolution, and full screen. Furthermore, they must show someone doing something honorable, like piloting a Catalyst or dunking a Venture. As an example, Alani submitted this fine image.

***

Of course, a Saviourette’s work is never done.

Mrs Curtain is a plebeian of Hard Knocks, which rents several wormholes from me. When she accidentally fell out of her hole, Ernst kindly evicted her.

James would be proud, to know that Ernst is still out there, keeping Highsec safe from riffraff and vagrants. Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain did not appreciate his hard work. Instead of paying rent, she tried to scam him!

Ernst is no stranger to wormholes, and he sternly advised Mrs Curtain to speak with her feudal overlord. Educate yoself!

As you should know, Loroseco is a powerful friend in j-space.

If you ever get suspicious, that everyone in the galaxy is conspiring against you, well — they probably are (the exact same people).

Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain doubted the truth.

Someday, she will learn the hard way (again).

*WARNING*

Yonder day of judgment be nigh at hand!