Pay Your Rent, Part 2

Previously, in James 315 Space… Newgal pokoko bought PLEX, injectors, and a Marshal. She was ready to play, proudly undocking in Jita. A few seconds later, she found herself in the Why Was I Ganked? channel, wondering what happened.

Cargo Bandit offered to sell a mining permit for 20 billion isk, but pokoko was a tough negotiator, talking the price down to just 18 billion.

Cargo listened patiently, as pokoko explained her concerns.

However, Cargo was busy, and her red timer was about to end. It was a big decision, and (for some reason) pokoko wasn’t entirely sure the mining permit would be worth it, but Cargo made a compelling argument.

Just like that, it was done.

Perhaps, someday, we will hear more about pokoko’s adventures.

Meanwhile, the New Order just keeps winning. Like any good ganker, Cargo Bandit sent a billion isk to my Official Holy New Order Treasury.

P.S. Did you know there is a Korean ganker group that supports the New Order? I’ll give you a hint who – they killed pokoko! They have some kind of Korean website, where they discussed this incident. Here is what people in Korea had to say.

“This crazy hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha”
“That’s fucking funny hahahahaha”

“Isn’t this a violation of EULA?”
“It is content.”

“I was a dolbauk newbie, but the code protects me.”

“Wow hahahahahahaha”

“hahahahahahahahahahahaha”

Don’t be a dolbauk! Join the New Order today!

Of course, friend

I don’t actually have to be in house, or in system, but you better watch out. I might not even look like me, ya know? I could be anywhere, or anyone, anytime at all. Sometimes people call me James 315, and I don’t disagree. I honestly can’t tell the difference. We are both sexy, smart, and utterly invincible.

THUND3RST0RM > Hello
Aiko Danuja > hi
THUND3RST0RM > I know that our Corps aren’t exactly friends, but I was wondering something.. You know BLACKFLAG. right?
Aiko Danuja > of course

I totally can’t keep track of all the emails, Discord messages, EVEmails, voicemails, Tweets, Slacks, forum @s, and private convos. I used to be a secretary, and now I need one. Regardless, THUND3RST0RM seemed like a nice young man, although it was alarming to hear that he doesn’t view me as a friend. Apparently, he knows some of my very good friends, who fly the BLACKFLAG.

THUND3RST0RM > Well, they will be attacking a station of our in 10 hours. Is there any chance you, or a few pilots from your corp would want to help us defend?
Aiko Danuja > you must pay in advance
THUND3RST0RM > How much
Aiko Danuja > 500 million

I like to help.

THUND3RST0RM > Thanks, but I think we will fight on our own
Aiko Danuja > Very well.
THUND3RST0RM > good day

I figured that was it, and resumed ganking Ventures. However, as the hours ticked by, he decided to renegotiate with his not a friend.

It seemed like a good deal.

Of course, I accepted.

I wonder if James wrote the CODE just for me. By the way, grumpy bears like to OCD, and try to tell me there is a difference between the Code of Halaima and the CODE. alliance. These same crabs pretend there is some fundamental distinction between the New Order and the alliance itself. As your official Saviourette, I beg to differ. It’s all the same. One law, one people, one fleet. We stand united, always!

When the time came, I was hunting battleships, so I couldn’t be bothered to divert my fleet halfway across the galaxy. I assumed my !friend would understand, but I kindly offered to lead his fleet via private convo. I wouldn’t want them to be demoralized, so I didn’t inform him the cavalry was never coming.

As FC, I ordered a direct frontal assault.

It seemed like a good plan, right?

Unfortunately, my not a friend was losing faith in me.

This was his undoing.

Fortunately, Allie Vaille believes in me.

As for my antifriend, he thinks I’m going to a non-existent hell.

 

Apparently, he also likes me a bit.

He thinks I have a cute laugh…

…but his friends want to bash my knee caps.

They don’t approve of our special relationship.

However, I have actual friends.

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 89

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… High Starlord avia naali, aka Agent Anvil, sent PLEX to support Goonswarm’s war against Pandemic Horde. Meanwhile, he prepared a second front against double traitor Vily. Unfortunately, avia sent the funds to Dolphin Don, instead of Princess Aiko, and everyone was displeased. As Princess Aiko consolidated power, in anticipation of the impending death and divine ascendance of James 315, Slackbot decided this was a good time to remind avia about new protocols.

Aiko then quizzed avia about the law.

avia was in a strict quarantine, and by sending PLEX to Don, he potentially spread a Pandemic Horde virus to Don and his beloved dolphins. Even worse, when Don was forced to retransfer the PLEX to Aiko, it exposed the royal heiress!

Aiko stomped into her room and slammed the door, spending a rainy week in self-isolation, as avia pondered whether he might have infected the entire Goonswarm High Command. Of course, everybody would be fine.

The intergalactic pandemic has made it difficult to interact, and many fine individuals have unraveled completely under solitary confinement. Fortunately, avia is a Suppercomputer which prefers isolation, and his brain began to whir. Why not use the pandemic to Goonswarm’s advantage, with rigorous training regimens? In particular, avia recognized that asteroids form space terrain, and he envisioned titans dug in on the high ground, obliterating hapless Pandemic infantry. As practice, Goon supercaps were ordered to move back and forth through the belts, using rocks as cover.

Princess Aiko sulked in her chambers, nervously waiting for a feverish chill, whilst avia brushed up on hybrid theory and lag gunned rail gunner tactics. During the Second World War, German and Japanese aircraft would approach heavily armed Allied bombers by weaving in between tracer rounds, thereby approaching to an optimal firing range. avia knew this same ‘weaving rage’ doctrine could be applied in EVE Online, but it would be important to ensure Pandemic bots were not exploiting latency.

Meanwhile, with the recent discovery of zkillboard.com, avia was delighted to receive instantaneous reports directly from the orbital battlespace, verifying that Goonswarm was still there. Everything was going well, and his only concern was that the enemy might try to throw a ‘haymaker’. Looking at you, Vily!

Fortunately, the Imperium is well funded, and we will win this war!

To be continued…

 

 

Support and Encouragement

Usually, when we encounter a miner, he is sincerely apologetic.

It breaks my heart, to see destitute miners dwelling in misery. Therefore, I naturally try to ensure their ultimate success.

We all want the same thing, happy miners who rejoice at their good fortune.

Unfortunately, some gobloks are beyond saving.

Guybertini is one of the New Order’s most experienced space therapists, and he wanted to help Rais McKivit find clarity and peace.

Like most miners, Rais struggled with emotional turmoil. According to zkillboard, he hasn’t really done anything for six months, after losing three Rattlesnakes to NPC bots. When Rais saw Guybertini in local, he cried out for help.

Hidden inside a space station, desperately hoping for free counseling, Rais watched as Guybertini passed through the system. Unfortunately, Rais doesn’t have a mining permit, and I doubt it will ever be safe for him to undock. Sad!

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 10

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James 315 Space... Rudokop Forever was trapped in Soviet hell, beset by spooky American space devils. They were always there, communicating via hyperspace, and hunting him down. His alts began to die, his drones disappeared, and his Orca was buffeted by things that go bump in the night.

Rudokop knew that human sacrifice would placate the demons…

Adrian Vexier was thus compelled by the power of prayer, leaving Rudokop to mine in peace, with a set of cheap drones. Of course, Adrian’s spaceship had a mind of its own, and began gently bumping into Rudokop’s orca.

Rudokop sensed weakness, and decided to take the offensive.

Restrained by BoB’s love, there was nothing Adrian could do.

Rudokop finally had the upper hand.

The next day, as they were leaving the Bleaklands, James was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his alts heard him say it.

On reaching Jita, James entered the naval yard and began driving out those who were buying and selling. He overturned the tables of the money doublers and those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to haul merchandise through the gates. When evening came, James and his alts went out of the spaceport. In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Currin remembered and said to James, “Hearken ye forth! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

Curses are powerful spells, which can reverse the course of history. Rudokop knew the time had come to employ this spiritual nuclear option.

He completed the curse with a quick chant, and Soviet runes.

Yea, and it was verily done.

To be continued…

***

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The Best Revenge, Part 88

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Persona Avia Naali, aka Mittens 2.0a, aka Aiva Naali, aka Lord Anarky, aka the Gewnfuehrer, was safe and sound within Goonswarm Federation’s climate controlled quarantine bunker. Here, he outlined a new fleet doctrine, as Princess Aiko patiently took notes.

The class 2u trap appears to be an attractive young miner, but like a Q-ship from the First World War, it can quickly online hidden armaments. Meanwhile, class 1b general balance counter ganking vessels (GBCGV) offer a discrete middle ground between pure trap and actual mining ship. class 1b fits are custom designed for special ops, featuring blingy fits, disqualifying them for SRP. Indeed, GBCGVs represent the cutting edge of doctrine, efficient for both mining and combat. In conjunction with the top secret project dog box, Goon FCs have tools which can be adapted for any situation. With a roadmap to victory, it is up to fitting teams to finalize specific details.

As we now know, Agent Anvil, aka the Kingpin, humiliated TEST, via the infamous fleet dance. Several members of Goonswarm have experience in marching band, working night and day to coriogrife a spectacular show which caught TEST scouts by surprise. The dinosaurs watched with awe and amazement, as red triangles formed hypnotic patterns. All of this was mere distraction, as Avia the Magician snuck an entire battlefleet deep into TEST. Vily cried foul, and indeed it was another ‘first’ in EVE history. However, believe it or not, when avia initially devised these strategies, there was little fanfare.

Princess Aiko was overwhelmed by avia’s brilliance, and didn’t know how to respond. Of course, she conveyed avia’s orders to James 315 and the Mittani, but when avia paused  — there was silence. aiva might have felt like Sun Tzu, trying to teach the concubines, and wondering whether any would understand. Finally, avia addressed the Princess directly. Could she assemble the dirty dozen, a team of hardcore PvP specialists, the worst of the worst, who would lead assault fleet toward a glorious victory?

She responded, and avia understood the Swarm would obey his orders unconditionally, no matter the cost. As the fleet dance unfolded in beautiful splendour, the assault fleet penetrated deep into Vily’s soft blonde underbelly.

The dirty dozen could expect heavy losses, and many bees would die horrifically once Vily’s dinosaurs realized the fleet dance was a shameless trap, but these losses would only sharpen the Swarm and ensure strategic victory.

It was all about numbers, and the Suppercomputer done did the math.

Unfortunately, he accidentally sent PLEX to Dolphin Don, who failed to win election by proxy as Saviour of Highsec. Princess Aiko narrowed her eyes, confronting Don with a shrill tone, and an evil glint which would brook no defiance. Don meekly complied, acknowledging the new political reality of the New Order. Yea, and verily did James see what had been done, and he knew the succession is secure. 

To be continued…

 

Pay Your Rent

Every now and again, a new returning player will come to EVE, and they will decide to be a whale. They pay CCP a bunch of money, and CCP is happy to accept, because they know the New Order is here to balance the budget.

When James 315 made me the official executor of the mighty CODE. alliance, passing mechanical control into my dainty palms, he had one request, “Kill the miners. Kill them all. I don’t care if they are a two-day old noob Venture, or a Marshal, I want you to burn them out and utterly destroy them. That is my Will, and you are my little Sword of Restoration.” Well, I didn’t feel my dizzy self was up to it, but when the Supreme Protector gives you a direct order, you don’t sit around questioning His wisdom!

I was in a tizzy, unsure how to proceed, but people like Cargo Bandit heard my siren’s cry. They materialized out of abyssal space, ready and able to enforce the CODE. One glance at pokoko, and Cargo knew what to do.

It’s not easy dealing with miners. They lie, cheat, and try to scam us at every opportunity. pokoko didn’t want to pay 20 billion isk for her mining permit, even though it was offered at a fair and reasonable market rate.

pokoko joined my invincible Why Was I Ganked? channel, watching with uncertainty, wondering if permits and rental contracts are actually a valid part of EVE gameplay. However, as Blake McAllister of the honorable New Order Mining Authority conducted business, pokoko could see this is all routine. Unfortunately, pokoko is a tight-fisted Scrooge, and she roleplayed as a despicable poor.

Cargo knows how much I love the miners, just as James always did, and she mercifully offered a generous discount rate.

pokoko decided to play hardball, but Cargo offered a clear warning.

This got pokoko thinking. Maybe citizenship is desirable?

A valid CODE. mining permit guarantees safety in nullsec, lowsec, and jsec, and it also ensures absolute immunity across the entirety of Highsec!

pokoko could see the New Order is bustling, and the clock was ticking…

To be continued…

***

BONUS: The Saviour of Highsec is now a sexy Saviourette, and everyone has been wanting to show their unconditional love and support. Minerbitch thought long and hard, concluding that you should add SIMP 4 AIKO emojis to your Discord server. For one billion isk, you can have your very own submission tag.

After reviewing around one hundred variants, I finally settled upon my personal preference, which has a nice outline.

I like the attention. It makes James jealous.

Europa Aiko, Part 2

Listening to: Sundown

Europe Aiko, Part 1

I feel like the galaxy revolves around me. My mom says I’m just a spoiled brat. The therapist says I’m a narcissistic sociopath, with underlying psychopathies. The grumpy bears claim that I’m a lawful evil space bully, and the police insist that I’m no longer allowed to dollar double at Wal-Mart. However, Li Gazer could tell that I’m a true Princess, a verified Lady of Agil. Li01 Gazer also saw the good in me, and so did Li02 Gazer, Li03 Gazer, Li04 Gazer, Li05 Gazer, Li06 Gazer, Li07 Gazer, Li08 Gazer, Li09 Gazer, Li10, Li10 Gazer, Li11 Gazer, CoverAgent, and MiFreightergirl.

We threw a surprise 65th birthday party for Li, a real-life Wiccan warlock, and leader of the all-star Mining Witches for World Peace. It was a lot of fun.

At first, MiFreightergirl thought we forgot about Li’s birthday.

Consequently, our initial encounter was a little awkward…

… nothing that couldn’t be resolved by a friendly chat.

All the space lawyers agree. This is required, by law.

Mi eventually calmed down.

So we got Li & the Mining Witches into Teamspeak.

At first, Li tried to scam us.

However, we soon developed an understanding.

I’m a nice girl, a Princess actually, in real-life. When I gave him Daddy’s phone number, Li consulted Google, and confirmed that I definitely am heir apparent to Savoia and the entire Hapsburg realm. I already knew this, of course, but Li was pleasantly surprised to meet a real-life Lady. His tone and demeanor immediately changed, after Lisa Tears described all the charity work that I support with my prestigious Oxford Fund. For the first time, Li understood the awesome power of the CODE.

Li was no longer a bitter old man, swearing and cursing. Instead, he was transformed, and felt young again. I naturally sang the Happy Birthday song, and then Li enjoyed some traditional karaoke, gleefully singing Bombs over Baghdad and about fifty-five other songs. I’m pretty sure he was drinking, as he began openly fantasizing about a beautiful woman who plays EVE naked, wearing only a tiara. My goodness! He really seemed to like the idea, almost as much as he liked the idea of multiboxing rorquals.

There was magic in the air, as Li held an official Wiccan séance. He cast a white spell of invulnerability upon me, solemnly summoning the magnets of the north, east, south, and west. Everyone witnessed Aiko become invincible, and thus it was time to transfer everything to James 315, because that’s how these things are done.

James 315 is the most trustworthy man in EVE.

Li was having a great time, headed straight to the Delve. On the way, he needed to make a quick stop at Aiko’s Tranquility Trading Tower, located in beautiful Perimeter. Li was duly impressed, when he saw my private space station.

It took a while, but each and every Li had their moment of glory.

One by one, they enlisted in the mighty Goonswarm Federation.

Even MiFreightergirl agreed to go ‘over there’.

In a game like EVE, friendship is truly overpowered.

As I played my lute, the Libots hopped into a biomass grinder.

On a whim, Li sold his soul, for a new Rorqual main.

I’ll see you in 1DQ, friend.

***

Dumb miner, you better take care
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
You can see me lyin back in my satin dress

In a room where I do what ya don’t believe

When I get feelin better, when I’m feelin no pain
When I feel like I’m winnin, and I’m winnin again
I’ve been lookin like a queen in a carebear dream

I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in my lovin is your first mistake
And I don’t always say what I really mean

I’m a hard lovin woman, and I’m feelin mean
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
Sometimes, I think it’s a shame
Sometimes, I think it’s a sin

***

 

The Best Revenge, Part 87

The Best Revenge Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James315.Space… Emperor avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka the Suppercomputer, was quarantined in Goonswarm’s Fuehrerbunker. Here, he was protected by Princess Aiko, and kept safe from Dolphin Don’s tweepsy Pandemic tentacles. He was also assisted by a friendly Slackbot, an automated farming system designed to keep avia fully informed of important news and developing events.

It wasn’t clear whether Fraternity was planning a haymaker offensive, or a mere tactical assault, but Slackbot had faith that Globby’s successor would understand how to deal with Goonswarm’s restless enemies.

As avia explained, channeling Sun Tzu, there are two methods of defending on a system size scale. You might dance around, warping here and there, until the enemy is bored to death. On the other hand, you can dock up, until they start pounding on Keepstars. Subsequently, you should chase them away! In either scenario, Slackbot advises regular hand-washing, to avoid ingesting germs and detrius.

A man of the people, avia would often pause to acknowledge the heroic efforts of common line members, praising them in his Message of the Day.

From time to time, Emperor avia, aka Agent Anvil, would read MinerBumping.com, where he noticed that the propaganda department was infringing upon matters of operational security. Therefore, he ordered Aiko to bop James 315.

Indeed, considering how many Keepstars and faction Fortizars have been lost, it is clear that James made a grievous blunder. Why didn’t he coordinate the message with his favourite ‘lil bullet? Now you understand why I had to bop James, as avia’s own theorycrafting has been turned against the mighty Federation!

avia enjoyed taunting his arch-nemesis, Pan Fam Joe, the lead theorycrafter for Pandemic Horde. At times, he would also deride CSM Sort Dragon. However, perhaps the goading went too far, as Pan Fam Joe and CSM Sort Dragon began to fill TEST executor Vily’s silly blonde head with thoughts of mutiny.

Many people believe that avia did not anticipate Vily’s treachery, but the archives show that avia expected TEST to cancel the non-aggression pact. Vily begged everyone to “please ignore” her mobilization, but avia saw through the deception. Indeed, in early May, the Kingpin began preparing for a two-front war against both Pandemic Horde and TEST. Praise be upon Emperor avia!

It is only through avia’s leadership, and restructuring of the Delve superhighway (with displaced renter ghettos), that we managed to halt the enemy and prepare our Great Counteroffensive. Verily, avia has full faith.

Vily is a robotic double traitor, and must be humiliated!

In order to crush Vily, avia developed the now famous fit tree design doctrine. As you know, class 1c ships form the bulwark of our line, supplemented by class1c1 long range and class1cs short range vessels. Meanwhile, class2c fit fast attack ships harass the enemy, distracting them from advancing class 3c sledge hammers. Behind enemy lines, class 4c fangs conduct unrestricted submarine warfare, whilst class 5 c mage battles provide field engineer /support. In reserve, to keep enemy titans at bay, class 1u ballquals are deployed to encumpis the hive. If James wasn’t forcibly retired, he probably would have revealed this doctrine prematurely, but we can now confirm that it caught Vily by surprise! Sources report that she is truly HUMILIATED by our glorious fit tree design fleet. 

Of course, no doctrine is complete without a few trick fits…

To be continued..

Yes Mr Cheng

I’m overwhelmed, in way over my head.

I’m spinning in space, dizzy with success. This must be how Nikita felt, when he sent those missiles to Fidel. Sometimes, I briefly glance at my unread mails. Woah. Jump jump jump. My discord is constantly popping up @everyone @here and it’s just nonstop @Aikoaikoaiko. The wallet keeps flashing, and I haven’t answered the last one, but someone sent another conversation request. Primary is the Rattlesnake, secondary Leshak. My email is backed up too. My mom doesn’t really understand.

I’m sure she’ll be fine. She always said I could be anything, do anything. Why would I care about being Holy Roman Empress, when I am a Lady of Agil? So now my mom focuses less on what I might do, and is more concerned about what I’m doing, down in this dusty dungeon. Ever since I inherited the realm, I haven’t really done anything, except whatever I want. I used to enjoy knitting, but now my interests perplex her.

Something just seems off, about the whole situation.

She wants to understand. She thinks mining sounds relaxing, so she might make an account and give it a go. Indeed, she really enjoys Facebook Farmville. She also appreciates videos filled with flashing lights, purple dots, and red triangles.

Meanwhile, she has been reading the blogs. She just wants to make sure that VictorStark Stark isn’t hiding under my bed, hanging out with kage1982 and Rudokop. I think she gets it though. She even made a comment about the Russians, “Those poor farmers, they just want to farm!” Mostly, she’s glad that her little girl finally got married, even if it’s to a dead guy. Naturally, she understands the utility of a strategic espousal.

Every day, actually, and that’s insane. What was James 315 thinking? Also, mom, seriously – it’s miner with an ‘E’. Ok?


My friends have their doubts, but I know what’s best.

How else will the people learn about Yes Mr Cheng?

Together, we can save the miners, from themselves!

Mr Cheng is a helper. Always look for the helpers.

Some people will never understand the glorious creed of Halaima. When James sold mining permits, echobears thought permits should always be priced at exactly 10 or 30 million isk. However, they don’t call me the Saviourette for nothing, and I actually read the CODE. You know, every time you read it, you glean more wisdom. I’ve definitely read it more than you. I’ve read it more than James.

Since the Code is a living, breathing document, it’s not possible to fully enumerate all of the rules.

As the only person in New Order history to officially amend the CODE. of Halaima, it’s pretty obvious I wrote it, and know exactly what all the rules are. Let me boil it down and pour it on you, in its most concise form.

Your mining operations are entirely at my mercy.

It’s really that simple. So when Mr Cheng decided to seek a solution to intergalactic minery, he was invited to attend a Lawton School seminar on space law. There he met Princess Aiko, who taught him a sacred truth. Mining permits start at 10 million isk per year, but the actual retail price is sometimes higher. 

There’s a lot which isn’t specifically addressed in the CODE. For example, did you know, miners are liars by nature? That’s a sacrosanct provision, which is so self-evident, James didn’t even bother to include it. I sincerely doubt a miner has ever been honest about anything. They just can’t do it. Mining is the greatest scam in the galaxy, and it takes a real hero (or heroin) to confront the inner bot. 

They will say anything to avoid responsibility. In this case, Cherry refused to purchase her mining permit. That’s fine. Frankly, it’s preferable.

Mr Cheng might be bad at taking screenshots, and I suppose there’s a good reason James loved his classy little secretary. Regardless, I’m pretty sure this New Order thing is gonna keep going. CONCORD just can’t stop us.

Goofus complains about Princess Aiko.
Gallant sends everything he has.