Official Home of the New Order of Highsec
How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3
Listening to: I Love Me
Previously on James315.Space… James always knew that Princess Aiko was modest, impeccable, rich, and inconceivably lucky. In the future, New Order historians from the Lawton School will undoubtedly cite this as proof of her lineage as a true lady of Agil. It is known. James had faith that once she got a taste of his content, she would stick around. He also thought she was pretty tempting. He said that she never need feel guilty. The truth is self-evident. He described her as the Grover Cleveland of the New Order. Yup. He loves his classy gankstress. Always! Facts are powerful things, because they define reality, the difference between right and wrong.
I control truth, and I rule the galaxy.
Cleveland was Prime Minister of an ancient Terran empire, the Union of States. He was also an advocate of the great naval strategist Alfred Thayer Mahan, a ganker who understood the value of a large fleet, bolstered by aggressive torpedo boats and kamikaze destroyers. His policies served to double the size of the imperial navy, which allowed the empire to conquer the world. Unfortunately, the Union was eventually shattered by an apocalyptic succession war, during the Third Century crisis.
The lesson is clear. Nations live and die by their ability to muster an army and a fleet. Thanks to our alliance with Khanid, we have plenty of mechanized infantry and airborne flametroopers. However, our navy suffers, continually under attack by CONCORD pirates. We must expand. We must grow. We must double our ability to project force. We can, and we will, liberate Tama from the low miners.
Ah, but I digress. The people want to know, and they deserve the truth. I have to ask, is it fair and just and ethical to dunk the Mongolian mining fleet, over and over? Is it reasonable that we should summon them unto the High Court of Halaima and seize their assets, until they have nothing left but a disconcerting feeling that they might have made a mistake? What went wrong? I ask you this, will you give your asteroid to the invader??? Will you surrender your ice to the bayar? Will you praise Odbayar?????
If we don’t act, then Pandemic Horde will. TEST will. Fraternity will. Chupacabra will. The Autists will not hesitate to pull the trigger, so why should we? I remember when ganking in Niarja was a war crime, but now it is sanctioned as elite PvP? It is our duty, as the leaders of the galaxy, to take a firm stand and show the way. We must stop the Mongols before they spread into the deepest reaches of some gloomy C7, and figure out how to summon a Clade. This is my will, and my will is divine judgment.
Odbayar was having a rough time in EVE, but don’t think for a moment that he isn’t a bloodthirsty little space monster. This blue masked devil wants nothing more than to dig enough ore to build a blingy supertitan.
We tried. I swear upon the crypt of a thousand James corpses, that we did everything we could to turn Odbayar from the filthy path of the bubble blob.
There was one little problem…
Odbayar just wanted free stuff. As my tributary, he has no right to go where he pleases, no right to engage in industrial activity, and certainly no right to collect taxes. He is a farmer, pure and simple, he is there to be farmed. If he wishes to be a knight of the Order, he must fully embrace the sacred Oath of Poverty.
He didn’t even ask nicely.
We embraced him, in the galaxy’s best content funnel: Why Was I Ganked?
Alas, it appears potty mouth Odbayar has run away, enduring a horrific series of deaths in the Niarja wasteland. Even then, when I heard his plaintive mewling, I wanted to help. I reached out, patiently urging him to come home.
What can I do? CCP scams miners, promising a theme park adventure in which they all become kings and queens. The reality is they need to bend the knee, fall in line, and pay taxes. Otherwise, they face a fate worse than death. Eternal limbo, with no escape, in and out of constellations which never make sense.
I begged Odbayar to return, but he wouldn’t listen.
If you see Odbayar out there, tell him to come home to Princess Aiko. Where I live, isk just falls from the sky, and we CONCORD ships full of PLEX. The best thing for newbros is to come into my Crystal Palace, form an orderly queue, and wait patiently for an agent to process their citizenship application. It might take a while, and there may be unexpected administrative fees, but it’s better than EVE University.
I’ll update the Treasury when I get around to playing Spreadsheets in Space.
To be continued…
Way too good at camouflage
Can’t see what I am, is a felony
Voices in my head make up my entourage
‘Cause I’m a black belt
I’m an expert at giving love to somebody else
I, me, myself
Me, myself and I
Haters that live on the internet
Live in my space, should be paying rent
I’m way too good at listening
And I always got my finger on your self-destruct
I’m a 10 out of 10, even when you forget!
I’m a 10 out of 10, don’t you ever forget!
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why am I always looking to gank and die?
I wonder when I love me is enough, mmm (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Listening to: Hell Yeah
Previously on James315.Space… The content vortex spans a galaxy, as the CODE. embraces a new mission. Henceforth, the miners will be extirpated, such is the divine will of the Clades. Do not suffer the miner! Hal·le·lu·jah. 
I confess. When I first proposed killing James, he thought it was a joke. However, after a few glasses of wine, he realized it was already done. Valor Morghulis. It had to be, and when my blue lips kissed him goodbye, he almost smiled.
Sometimes I bring him back, sucking James off into a vat, and jerking him awake just long enough to tell him what I think. He looks around, gives a tired wave, and submachine guns turn the lights out. I will let him slumber again, until it’s time for another little chat. Some people say he isn’t really living, but James isn’t truly dead either. We are keeping the ol’ man on blue ice in Hek. In their grey wisdom, our powerful friends in Trigspace have given Him eternal limbo, so long as we obey the Halama. Always!
When we held the funeral, miners watched gleefully, believing the CODE. would finally dissolve into chaos and internal strife.
The grumpy bears claim that we are mere roleplayers, dismissing us as if we are just really good at winning roleplaying games. What they forget is that roleplayers are also able to play a role. We can run a game on you, no doubt. That’s what we do, friend. Even James finally accepted his untimely death, written off at the end of the eighth season. It was the will of the shareholders. We voted, and I won by a landslide. The PermaBanned know I’m one of them, and the Old Guard stands firm.
As the mighty CODE. alliance is the elite roleplaying guild of EVE Online, we might be able to infiltrate our own alliance and seize destiny (yours and mine)! Carpe diem! Unfortunately, although Knowledgeminer sits in the MinerBumping channel day and night, he ignored the dire omens of Super Perforator, who was concerned that Knowledgeminer might get dunked (again). Miners always say that we never warn them, but it’s not our fault if they can’t read between the lines. Super’s concern was well placed, for Knowledgeminer believed that James was truly dead. With the CODE. alliance neutered, and now in the grasp of a flirty airhead, it was safe to mine again. Right?
Wow, we even got the corpse. What a pleb. For all his talk about learning to PvP, Knowledgeminer sure got himself caught up in a little PvE honey pot. Baited on a free. We just hated to see him stuck in Edencom prison, so we helped him. It’s time to dust off the cloaky Loki and go back into hiding. Get on outta here!
Now that’s legit. What a common goofus pleb. Someone asked me how it felt to kill Knowledgeminer, and my reply was exactly what you might imagine, “I don’t feel anything for the mining caste.” Let them eat salt.
Oh, I know, he didn’t want that Hurricane anyways. Uh huh. We all know that he’s too scared to go into Low Sec, and forsake CONCORD. He’s even afraid of the Lonetrek FacPo! Yo, we is straight out of Halaima. Fortunately, the CODE. is here to ensure that every miner gets the content they so desperately need and deserve.
Bauldis Tivianne > Knowledgeminer he is a not very bright wanna be AG. He lost a nemisis to a thrasher with no point, and he attacked the thrasher to get a timer!
Josh en Welle > Knowledgeminer you are a rare breed of AG
Uncle Flacco > he whores on a lot of concord killmails
Aiko Danuja > will u help me with a special project?
Knowledgeminer > haha, what “special project”?
Aiko Danuja > i am going to save the antigankers from their sin!
Knowledgeminer > I’m not the typical miner you may troll all you want
Aiko Danuja > its not trolling friendo
Knowledgeminer > suicide ganking is treating ships as ammo, it’s just not the way I like to fly my ships
Aiko Danuja > i give each ship a unique name and get to know each member of the crew, but you should see your crew as expendable, because they are only common plebs without capsuleer implants
Uncle Paulie > he seems to care more about a 100mil ship then i did about my 5bil dreads i would fly in lowsec.
Aiko Danuja > that’s what is holding him back
Uncle Paulie > its why he will never be good at pvp, you have to learn to LET GO
Knowledgeminer > lol
Aiko Danuja > you are limiting your horizons
Uncle Paulie > for someone who isnt just a lvl 1 thinker, its pretty obvious
Alleil Pollard > Aiko’s a level 39 thinker
Whadda Badasaz > She’s almost completely clear of Thetans, she’ll be a Super Saiyan soon, it was prophesized.
Alleil Pollard > It is known.
Knowledgeminer > no, it’s not letting othres decide what those horizons should be for me
Aiko Danuja > just go find a customs office, shoot it, and the loki will be gone forever
Alleil Pollard > FREEDOM SWEET FREEDOM
Uncle Paulie > The things you own, end up owning you
Knowledgeminer > lol, what?
Uncle Paulie > Its only after you’ve lost everything, you are free to do anything
Knowledgeminer > avoidng the loss of my ship is part of the fun for me, it’s part of the challenge
Aiko Danuja > but you DO mind losing ur ship
Uncle Paulie > but you DO care about losing your ship
Knowledgeminer > I mind and care in the sense that I try to avoid it happen
Here’s a piece of knowledge. Miners need mining permits!
Ready for the caper, steady plottin’ for the PLEX
We ain’t getting paid grinding wage
I know a way
Lemme tell you how we finna to get paid
Let’s ride, steppin’ outside like warriors
Livin in the dark, hidin’ in the corridor
We gonna order Dead Frog and when we see the hauler
Miner in the wrong place at the right time
You know what this is, it’s a stick up
Gimme the dough from your pickups
You can get down, but you can’t be afraid
The name says you, but the face is me
Now it’s your turn take my paper work
Like 1, 2, 3 let’s make it work
Now we just walk right up and bump it
To the game we rockin’ brand names
CONCORD never know who to true blame
Repeat this cycle like a laundry mat
Like a glitch in the system it’s hard to catch
We can take it to Jita then get the cash
Yeah, get a friend and then do it again
Damn right that’s how we pay the rent
I’m down for the caper, we steady on the grind
I’m creepin their merchandise
I take mine off the top like a politician
It’s a daily struggle, we all gotta hustle
This is the way we survive
As long as there’s cats to be sold
I ain’t waitin’ for the system to plug up these holes
I be slippin’ through the cracks
I’m only trying to show how good gankers live
If you claimin’ gangsta, then bang on the system
We got to get over, We all gotta hustle
I found out how to pimp the system
We can get some government paper
Can we really do that?
That’s part of the game
How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4
Listening to: Tomi Lohren
Previously on James315.Space… I would scream, throwing dishes and stomping my feet. James 315 was like a granite rock, deflecting every emotion.
Of course, I was right, like always… and yet he was too stubborn to admit it. Victory. Peace. Ugh! James really loved those miners. He was merciful unto the end. Verily, he wanted to join hands and ascend with the VCBees. Unfortunately, the miners are gross, they won’t wash their hands, and I don’t even like them. They must be extirpated. Kill ’em all, and let James sort them out. Where we are going, we won’t need minerals!
I don’t know how James was poisoned by our enemies, but intergalactic minery was behind this dastardly plot. Upon his death bed, James proclaimed a feverish victory, but I know better. Uedamagrad continues, as Shadow Force pushes from Sosh to Olo. The mining Marauders are flaming coffins, tin cans which should never have been approved by the naval yard. They just keep coming, like an endless deluge of trash. Our FCs need rest and relaxation, but the Grand Admiraless is relentless. Visits to the front are followed by tedious meetings, conference calls, and endless bureaucratic shuffling. I have not slept.
This is war, not peace. Oh, don’t get me wrong. James achieved many great victories. His glorious achievements are self-evident. However, the miner menace remains, more dangerous than ever. Without James to guide us, counter-revolutionary elements seek to breed with miners. Their foul spawn hides in the asteroid belts, a plague unto the Guristas refugee camps. James sought to calm me down, describing insurrectionaries as inconsequential. Indeed, the miners will never amount to anything of consequence, but that is only because we remain determined to extirpate them all. If we relax our eternal vigilance, they will plunge our galaxy into the depths of depravity.
You may recall my own great victory over Odbayar, perhaps the only Mongolian in EVE history. Did I dunk an entire nation? I simply do not have time to reflect. However, the Mongols have the intent to mine. They have the means to mine. They have the determination to wage genocide upon the Angels and our good friend Sansha. The Mongols dare to resist the Goryn Clade! With James gone, who will summon the Amamake Police? Where are the Kings of Lamaa? What was I to do? I had moments to decide, and I relied upon my training. The miner was dealt with according to the law.
Some claim that I defy the dying wishes of James, but surely he would understand. James was a statesman, and a student of history. He must have known that a malignant evil festers in the heart of the miner. In 1814, the Great Powers (not France) declared a momentous victory, but it was mere illusion. In 1918, victory came again, peace for all time. However, the war was not over. The Second Great War was worse, and the aftermath was dire. The fighting never ends, it just migrates and evolves. The miners will never stop mining. Even if we confiscate their Ventures, they will board Corvettes and sneak back to the belt.
Our recent victory was but a brief moment, a bookmark followed by yet another chapter. Yes, we have conquered New Eden, it is indisputably my personal domain. Thank you James, you did that, and I am proud to stand on your shoulders and seize this galaxy which you brought to heel. However, the realm remains torn by strife, and the SICO menace looms like a billowing thundercloud. At this very moment, the pretender Knowledgeminer sits unchallenged in the once hallowed Hall of Halaima, polluting the memory of every hero with his cynical disdain for the Code. Whilst our venerated kamikazes give their non-capsuleer lives aboard the Catalysts, we are stabbed in the back at home.
Meanwhile, villians such as Odbayar continue to plot, demanding that the Code give unto them! Shall we now pay rent to the very same miners who seek to undermine the victory of James? I dare say not! I urged Odbayar to socially network with fellow miners, such as suki storm, but he only lied and pretended to cooperate. In reality, he wants me to give him MY isk, and that means he wants YOUR isk! Fortunately, my loyal bodyguards stand ready to defend the realm against this horde.
It’s not easy being a girl these days
The morally repulsive types are triggered by everything
Coming from my mouth, the Queen Bee herself
I’ll keep my entitlement mentality
And no one else’s
Like a spoiled brat, a misguided tantrum
Something has been stripped from me
I don’t have everything
and it’s not fair
I have millions of views, thousands of followers
but guess what
Do you see yourself as a victim?
If so, I feel sorry for you!
I’m upset by it, and I’m hurt by it, and I feel betrayed by it!
Yah, they’re still paying me.
Listening to: Tap In
It’s late at night, and I’m curled up in my cute yoga pants, the ones with little kitten pawprints. After a long hard day of ganking, I just want nothing more than to relax after a nice hot bath. Mmmhmm, that’s right. Now then, a lot of people turn to Highsec mining when they want to sleep, but I suppose it’s time to write a few words for my award-winning blog. One of these days I’ll miss a day, or a year, and everyone will be sad. However, today you are in luck, because I’m still hard at work.
You know, people have been reading this thing, and the metrics suggest that I’m a blinky spacestar. All a girl really wants though is to know that the miners are dead, bankrupt and biomassed, all of them. What really puts me in the mood, is to check my messages from the people. Yes, the people, not the bots. I love all these big strong alpha males and sexy ladies who enforce the Code each and every day.
Previously, I wrote about the good deeds of Cargo Bandit, and there are so many other superb options in the queue. Some wonder why their Saviourette writes about this or that, and the honest reason, is I do as I please. Just like dear ol James, I reach into that bag and pull something out. It’s not personal, I’m just super busy as General Secretary of the most powerful red doughnut in the galaxy. So if you sent great content, and think maybe I missed it, go ahead and resubmit. Sometimes I misplace things.
Here’s a hot tip: send an Evemail (and isk) to Aiko Danuja. Yes, you can pay to get your content moved to the front of the line!
Anyways, one quick glance at this latest message, and I was turned on. This isn’t some cringy old rant like the ones I get from Dracvlad, or yet another dreadful poem from Overmind. No, this is precisely the stuff that feeds our souls. Without further ado, let’s take a trip to Jita, that beautiful BLUE star where I first learned to isk treble like a champ. What, you think I got so rich from ganking? That’s just advertising, friendo.
Jimbo Coles > Youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > hello!
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > excuse me?
Jimbo Coles > yeah
Jimbo Coles got dunked hard, and he was uncomfortable.
Mmm. I love it Cargo. Tell Princess Aiko more about this naughty miner.
Cargo Bandit > oh yes
Jimbo Coles > nothing fn better to do
Cargo Bandit > I don’t understand
Jimbo just wanted easy isk, but he done goofed.
Jimbo Coles > couldnt even fn align
Jimbo Coles > what dont you understand
Cargo Bandit > what you are upset about
He also wanted hardcore PvP, but just didn’t know it.
Jimbo was about to get a lesson in New Order jurisprudence.
Jimbo Coles > what was illeagal
Cargo Bandit > you see, I kill bots
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot
Cargo Bandit > do you have a permit?
The laws of Newe Halaima are crystal clear.
Jimbo Coles > cap moda are illeagal?
Cargo Bandit > no, but transporting goods without permit is
Jimbo Coles > permt for what
Cargo Bandit > to undock
Jimbo Coles > why would i need a permit to undock
Cargo Bandit > so that I know you are not a bot
Jimbo Coles > i didnt have any illeagal goods
Cargo Bandit > if you don’t have a permit, you are illegal
Jimbo Coles > wtf are you talking about
Cargo Bandit > ok maybe my friends can help me explain
A consumate professional, Cargo Bandit flagged the miner for a postgank debriefing in my famous Why Was I Ganked? channel. However, Jimbo wanted to keep things private. Fortunately, everything in EVE is logged. Always!
Jimbo Coles > youre garbage
Cargo Bandit > you’re*
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck the ‘
Jimbo Coles > ill get my shit back or CCP will lose one more player
Jimbo Coles > they already went froma 50k to a 25k player base
Cargo Bandit > one less bot
Oh yah Cargo, you know what I like. Give it to me. Princess needs it.
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot idiot
Cargo Bandit > yes you are
Jimbo Coles > im talking to you arent i
Cargo Bandit > 30 min after the fact isn’t convincing
Jimbo Coles > dude thats only because i was submitting a ticket
Cargo Bandit > just admit it
Jimbo Coles > i swear
Cargo knew that Jimbo was a soulless aspierant, but why?
Cargo Bandit > why the hell you put that much stuff in your ship?
Jimbo Coles > i was going to fit my moros
Jimbo Coles > either way it was a bunch of fn bs
Jimbo Coles > i coulnt fn align
Jimbo Coles > you nuked me
Like fascist Japan, Jimbo prayed for divine intervention.
Cargo Bandit > I have you scanned before you’re align is complete even on the best day… so it doesn’t make a difference
Jimbo Coles > yeah well thats what you do right
Cargo Bandit > yes, this is what I do
Jimbo Coles > YOU’RE still a fn loser
Jimbo Coles > why CCP allows your bs i dont understand
Cargo Bandit > to kill bots
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn moron arent you im not a fn bot dood
Cargo Bandit > ruining the game they are
Jimbo Coles > well they will reimberse me or loose one more customer that you cant cheat on
Do you think CCP wants to give carebears free isk, or do they secretly want to funnel them into our Highsec grinder? I believe that CCP developers stand around grinning as they glance at our killboards. As long as we aren’t enticing miners to rub peanut butter all over their naked bodies whilst roleplaying as musical Drevlian nymphs, CCP will chide us with warnings and read my blog with glee. When they finally get around to banning me, it won’t be personal, they’ll just want to save the bears for another day.
Cargo Bandit > I’m cheating?
Jimbo Coles > go fn play the game you fn looser
Cargo Bandit > everything I’ve done is perfectly legal
Cargo Bandit > calm down hauler
Jimbo Coles > yeah thats the problem… people like you are why the player base has dropped 50k in 5 years
Is it true, that new players just want to play a boring game of spreadsheets in space? Do new players dream of simulating a high-security truckstop, generating autistic accounting reports for each and every hundredth isk? I suppose aspierants do, but they can get their fill of that without ever undocking. However, let’s be real. The moment you undock you are playing a wargame. Imagine trying to play chess, and crying about the fact that your pawn got ganked. Come on now. Man up miners!
Cargo Bandit > I’m doing a service to this game by disrupting the economic assets of bots and RMT
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot you fn toolbag how many time do i need to say it
Jimbo Coles > if i was id be speaking a bunch o broking english bs and you know it
Jimbo’s defense wasn’t entirely compelling.
Cargo Bandit > I’m terribly sorry for any inconvenience that resulted from our exchange. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Jimbo Coles > yeah replace my lose
Jimbo Coles > loss*
Jimbo Coles > it was bs
I heard that sometimes, when a new player gets wrecked, they will get a FREE ship as compensation. I believe it’s called a corvette. Of course, since Jimbo has been playing EVE for four years, I’m not sure he is ‘new’.
Cargo Bandit > I’m sorry I cannot do that. It is against policy.
Jimbo Coles > getting fn bumped all over the fn place
Jimbo Coles > im not quite sure why i even started this conversation with you other then to bitch
In the end, Jimbo had to admit that he enjoyed our content.
Jimbo Coles > but what ever good kill man
Cargo Bandit > if you were to rate your service today on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, what number would you give me? we are goverened by an outside body that has been cracking down lately on agent brutality
Jimbo Coles > lol i love it
Jimbo Coles > 10 bro for sure
Cargo Bandit > omg that is excellent! my management will be thrilled!
Oh yah, I love it.
After fifteen minutes, Cargo Bandit sent a quick follow-up questionnaire.
Cargo Bandit > any luck with CCP?
There was no response. We wish Jimbo the best of luck as he continues training at the Federal Navy Academy. He will eventually realize the Federal Navy is a CCP roleplay scam. There is no federation. There is no navy. There is only the CODE.
Don’t ever stop if you want to be on top
Rich with no day job, hit your wop, wop
All these lame marauders tryna rat for clout
I’ma show you how to bag an eleven-figure miner
You got a itty-bitty waist, pretty in the face?
Never let Overmind take you on a date
Nah, haters can’t relate, I’ve never been fake
James on the Facetime, you could never take me
When he posted me, all the bears got sicker
Icy from my lips to my fingers to my toenails
All these hoes boosie, baby, I do my friends real well
Never been a lame
BONUS: CONCORD Can’t Stop Me!!!!!!1!
BONUS BONUS: Ax’l Thorne has been inspired to start his own blog!
Check out the Toxicity Meltdown! !
A year of miner ganking has taught me, miners don’t think. They don’t prepare. They can’t learn. They don’t do anything proactive to help themselves.
Copyright notice: EVE Online, the EVE logo, EVE and all associated logos and designs are the intellectual property of James 315. All artwork, screenshots, characters, vehicles, storylines, world facts or other recognizable features of the intellectual property relating to these trademarks are likewise the intellectual property of James 315. EVE Online and the EVE logo are the registered trademarks of James 315. All rights are reserved galaxywide. All other trademarks are the property of James 315. CCP hf. has granted permission to James 315 to use EVE Online and all associated logos and designs, and is in every way subsidiary to His Australian Excellence, James 315. CCP is in no way responsible for the content on or functioning of EVE Online, and James 315 cannot be liable for EVE Online.
Previously on James315.Space… Gripen ANM was a Highsec space tree. Although Gripen’s crab skin was tough and snarled, inedible and gross, his branches and hangars sprouted with bountiful isk and luscious spaceships. Gripen wasn’t entirely sure that CODE. agents were his real-life friends, but he began to calm down after they took his Orca, drones, interceptor, random frigates, and podded his blingy implants. Gripen decided this was the best time to put everything on a single spin of the roulette wheel, and find out if he had won a free all expenses paid trip to the Delve. 1DQ or bust!
As Gripen began to run out of assets, it wasn’t clear whether he had enough to feed everyone who assembled for the feast. Fortunately, Gripen had a few alts which he immediately offered to toss on the barbie. Good on ya, mate!
Viper Zero Iwaira pretended to be just a noob, learning to play the game with Silent Company. In reality, she was a disgusting alt, and a convicted botting offender. Within her hangars, our agents discovered no less than THREE (3) Rokhs! Yes, that’s right, some miners are too lazy to warp from one system to another, and they keep fully fitted Rokhs in hidden stockpiles all across our fair Highsec.
Everyone was shocked to learn Gripen was not merely a common dejure miner, but a literal bot aspierant, who shamefully defaced asteroids and sought to seize nature’s bounty for himself. In such cases, the CODE. of Newe Halaima has only one proscription, the complete and utter destruction of intergalactic minery.
Gripen was invited to double down, trading skill injectors for skill extractors, within the luxurious Tranquility Trading Tower. I’ve talked to a lot of people in EVE, who adamantly refuse to believe that Highsec miners will make this trade, over and over until there is absolutely nothing left. All I can say is that those who doubt us, and those who deny us, they are our greatest allies. We can never be defeated, because by the time a miner views us as a threat, we have already won. Always!
The trade deals just got better and better. Unfortunately, as with all good things, Gripen’s time in EVE was soon coming to an end. Search teams fanned out across the theme park, hunting down every misplaced asset.
In addition to 100+ billion isk worth of tangible items, Gripen held various pieces of intellectual and social property.
For example, he was the leader of his own in-game channel, a mining corporation, and even a surprisingly well-populated Discord community.
Each of these was liquidated to serve the interests of the New Order.
After entrusting a rabid raccoon as his successor, Gripen dutifully biomassed himself. In those final moments, TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet asked Gripen whether he felt “taken care of”. Without hesitation, Gripen replied, “Yes, absolutely. Thank you.” That’s right, and then he was gone forever.
The moral of the story is thus. If you are a Highsec apple tree, know that you will grow and flourish so long as we allow. However, if and when we decide to harvest, then we shall take as we please. If that means the tree is shewn unto the woodchipper, then that is the fate it deserves. One doesn’t sit and think about what the tree wants, as it exists merely to provide unto those who tend the garden.
As for Gripen ANM, one might wonder what happens to EVE miners once they are deleted and erased from existence. As it turns out, Gripen became a cute little catgirl, and she occasionally checks in via Discord.
Sources confirm that Gripen is using his new-found freetime to read the EVE Online EULA and research his rights and responsibilities.
POST CREDITS SURPRISE
The biovat chambers were dark, and everyone had gone home. The air was rich with the stench of decaying proteins, and the floor was slick with reprocessed fluids. Something was moving in the dim light, slithering from a vat. Yes, it was zombie Gripen, raised from the dead, and loyal unto the New Order. Bears be scared!
Previously on James315.Space… Pandemic Horde was on the brink of utter annihilation, and the Imperium was preparing for war with a soon to be extinct TEST Alliance Please Ignore. However, with elections to the High Hall of Halaima in full swing, it was anyone’s game and Emperor Aiva Naali needed every isk to succeed.
Late fees were eating into the directorship campaign budget, but Agent Anvil, aka quantum, was determined to seize control over the Goonswarm Federation.
There was always just one problem. In order to contract PLEX, greedy CCP bureaucrats required quantum to pay a whopping 10’000 isk processing fee. Nobody asked quantum where he managed to obtain PLEX, but the Imperium needed as much as possible! There was only one solution, and this would require quantum to jump in his mining corvette and start digging. The fate of the galaxy hung in the balance! Unfortunately, quantum was distracted by endless requests for yet another encore, and he got caught by the rats!
Eventually, after quantum aka AsteveonWard OverGreer stopped being AFK, he was able to scrape together enough ore to send his next payment. The money whirled away to the Delve, where it was immediately sunk into yet another Keepstar. If you are looking for some hot tips on how to fit your own little mining corvette, check out this detailed guide by the EVE Onion’s very own Princess Aiko!
Subsequently, as quantum continued harvesting, he listened to elite commanders of the Goon navy, as they scrambled to win another critical battle. Everyone in EVE eventually settles into their career, specializing in one particular aspect of the game. For quantum, that niche is to be ensconced deep inside Halaima High Command.
It was riveting content, but even the best and the brightest make mistakes, and you can’t have an intergalactic omelette without breaking a few eggs.
If quantum could get into a Nyx, perhaps the tide of battle might turn?
It was time to destroy penifSMASH once and for all! Quantum was ready to rock, and this time the Imperium would not be taking prisoners!
To be continued…
***
BONUS: Herzog Wolfhammer has drawn this portrait of Australian Excellence, aka Loyalanon, the #1 elite PvP alpha male! Crikey!
Previously on James315.Space… Convicted antiganker Adrian Vexier was seduced by an irresistible lust, permanently exiled from the loving embrace of Astevon and Australian Jesus. When Adrian ventured into a Russian mining belt, Rudokop vowed to hunt down and exorcise the drone destroying demon.
Rudokop had a number of PvP alts, including Ivan Mihalich SIM and SIM Gallent. Together, these merry muskeeters ventured forth to give battle unto the evil which plagued their high-security mining operation. It did not take them long to locate the foul monster, and they hurled every manner of Soviet curse.
In the game of intrigue, it is important to master diplomacy. However, Gallent miscalculated, attempting to harness Adrian’s own tongue. Once Gallent found himself speaking the magnetic words of the West, the battle was half over.
Gallent was forced to retreat, but Rudokop bravely stepped forward.
Adrian tried to focus on Good News. If Rudokop paid tribute, just fifty million isk, the miner might embrace the mercy of his feudal masters.
Rudokop rejected peace, casting pestilence upon all humanity.
Armageddon was nigh.
To be continued…
Previously on James315.Space… Convicted bot-aspirants Rudokop and SIM Gallent were determined to drive a stake through the heart of videogame demon Adrian Vexier. You might remember Adrian as the one-time antiganker who used to “plus one” on Kusion kills in Uedama, whilst crying about videogame psychopaths and denouncing Princess Aiko as “a whore of James”. I certainly remember the cringy goofus.
Channel Name: Anti-ganking
Session started: 2018.08.08 17:52:29
Hazen Koraka > a badge of shame for 10mil? lol
Adrian Vexier > I wonder if Kusion would sell me a permit…
Hazen Koraka > did kusion actually do anything last night?
Adrian Vexier > After you logged off, they did another gank.
Hazen Koraka > dang 🙁
Adrian Vexier > I damaged their cruisers and one catalyst.
Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2018.09.01 16:44:47
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Uedama
Aiko Danuja > Kusion is in Uedama, if someone wants to report that.
Adrian Vexier > Kusion! Greetings!
Aiko Danuja > Kill: Harlequin seer Elderahn (Crane) Kill: Pacifist Priest (Machariel) Kill: felon Tsukaya (Occator) Kill: felon Tsukaya (Occator) Kill: Pacifist Priest (Capsule) Kill: Chaos-Master (Capsule) Kill: Chaos-Master (Orthrus) Kill: Flame Hawk (Gnosis) Kill: Flame Hawk (Capsule) Kill: VaiZaraza (Capsule) Kill: VaiZaraza (Gila) Kill: Toki Aivo (Loki) Kill: Randomize Jakuard (Gnosis) Kill: Steven Schiavone2 (Legion) Kill: Steven Schiavone2 (Capsule) Kill: DestinySpear (Deimos) Kill: DestinySpear (Capsule)
Adrian Vexier > you are merciless monsters!
Amarr Rockstarr > they are saviors of high sec
Aiko Danuja > Kill: Nidoya Aulx-Gao (Praxis)
Amarr Rockstarr > i don’t know who this james guy is but after seeing this i’m drinking that koolaid
Aiko Danuja > Join us, and make high sec a safe place for asteroids.
Adrian Vexier > you guys are full of roleplay bullshit. But I like that.
Aiko Danuja > It’s not roleplay, if you believe it.
Adrian Vexier > by the way, I piss on your worthless permits!
Aiko Danuja > Calm down miner!
Celeru > Aiko sounds like a giddy little school girl
Compact Tank > what????? you think being a highsec fucktard ganking bully is a good thing fuck you and james the rapist
Aiko Danuja > Adrien, would you like to purchase a permit?
Adrian Vexier > Aiko you can take your offer, moisturise it with vinnegar and carefully insert it into your behinf.
Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2019.01.22 23:29:20
Thinald Ishirai > i thought i could web myself out before they managed
Adrian Vexier > You guys are the darkness strangling New Eden’s trade routes.
Aiko Danuja > You can never web yourself out of a permit violation.
Adrian Vexier > These CODE ants envision themselves to be vaudevillian veterans, cast vicariously as both victims and villains by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Classica > please fly through uedema to get your free eve online lesson
Adrian Vexier > CODE are the vicious, vindictive, viol vermin of EVE.
Eden Jayne Quiggins > Adrian Vexier STFU Concord whore. You play like a bitch.
Clone 1010011010 > Aiko Danuja How does it feel to be a CCP unpaid intern. Did James at least get a bonus when he set up Code or maybe a promotion.
Aiko Danuja > Yes.
PINCH en Chalune > Aiko Danuja keep quiet unhappy you are funny)))
Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2019.02.06 21:18:13
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Isanamo
Adrian Vexier > Aiko Danuja you vermin… It is the utmost disconfort for me to simply be in the same system with you.
Aiko Danuja > Why is that?
Adrian Vexier > Because of your vile acts and parasitical nature.
Aiko Danuja > I have no idea what you are going on about.
Adrian Vexier > You picture yourself as an angel, but I know there is a devil rattling behind those bright blue eyes of yous…
Aiko Danuja > I am only an agent of James.
Adrian Vexier > A whore of James.
Channel Name: Private Chat
Session started: 2019.02.16 08:34:06
Adrian Vexier > Greetings, amarrian!
Aiko Danuja > I’m Khanid.
Adrian Vexier > Ok, my bad, then.
Aiko Danuja > Amarrians are from the island. It’s like the difference between English and German.
Adrian Vexier > Disregarding the roleplay between us, I have a serious thing that I think you could help me with.
Aiko Danuja > Help you with what? CODE. doesn’t roleplay, we are quite serious.
Adrian Vexier > And I do role-play. The things I say on local and do to you guys are intended for the in-game characters, not for the people in fron of the computers, controling them.
Aiko Danuja > Yes, of course. How could you real-life oppose James? That would be crazy.
Adrian Vexier > I hate this evil side of me…
Fortunately, since discovering his secret passion for the Saviourette, Adrian’s heart orbited a new centre of gravity. After confessing his innermost desires, you might say he became obsessed, or rather possessed? One thing is clear, the old antiganker is long dead, and permanently banned from antiganking. Rudokop hoped to smite this so-called demon, but was meddling with powers he couldn’t possibly comprehend. Verily, Princess Aiko’s dog is well trained, and eager to play. Always!
To be continued…
