How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Listening to: I Love Me

Previously on James315.Space… James always knew that Princess Aiko was modest, impeccable, rich, and inconceivably lucky. In the future, New Order historians from the Lawton School will undoubtedly cite this as proof of her lineage as a true lady of Agil. It is known. James had faith that once she got a taste of his content, she would stick around. He also thought she was pretty tempting. He said that she never need feel guilty. The truth is self-evident. He described her as the Grover Cleveland of the New Order. Yup. He loves his classy gankstress. Always! Facts are powerful things, because they define reality, the difference between right and wrong.

I control truth, and I rule the galaxy.

Cleveland was Prime Minister of an ancient Terran empire, the Union of States. He was also an advocate of the great naval strategist Alfred Thayer Mahan, a ganker who understood the value of a large fleet, bolstered by aggressive torpedo boats and kamikaze destroyers. His policies served to double the size of the imperial navy, which allowed the empire to conquer the world. Unfortunately, the Union was eventually shattered by an apocalyptic succession war, during the Third Century crisis.

The lesson is clear. Nations live and die by their ability to muster an army and a fleet. Thanks to our alliance with Khanid, we have plenty of mechanized infantry and airborne flametroopers. However, our navy suffers, continually under attack by CONCORD pirates. We must expand. We must grow. We must double our ability to project force. We can, and we will, liberate Tama from the low miners.

Ah, but I digress. The people want to know, and they deserve the truth. I have to ask, is it fair and just and ethical to dunk the Mongolian mining fleet, over and over? Is it reasonable that we should summon them unto the High Court of Halaima and seize their assets, until they have nothing left but a disconcerting feeling that they might have made a mistake? What went wrong? I ask you this, will you give your asteroid to the invader??? Will you surrender your ice to the bayar? Will you praise Odbayar?????

If we don’t act, then Pandemic Horde will. TEST will. Fraternity will. Chupacabra will. The Autists will not hesitate to pull the trigger, so why should we? I remember when ganking in Niarja was a war crime, but now it is sanctioned as elite PvP? It is our duty, as the leaders of the galaxy, to take a firm stand and show the way. We must stop the Mongols before they spread into the deepest reaches of some gloomy C7, and figure out how to summon a Clade. This is my will, and my will is divine judgment.

Odbayar was having a rough time in EVE, but don’t think for a moment that he isn’t a bloodthirsty little space monster. This blue masked devil wants nothing more than to dig enough ore to build a blingy supertitan.

We tried. I swear upon the crypt of a thousand James corpses, that we did everything we could to turn Odbayar from the filthy path of the bubble blob.

There was one little problem…

Odbayar just wanted free stuff. As my tributary, he has no right to go where he pleases, no right to engage in industrial activity, and certainly no right to collect taxes. He is a farmer, pure and simple, he is there to be farmed. If he wishes to be a knight of the Order, he must fully embrace the sacred Oath of Poverty.

He didn’t even ask nicely.

We embraced him, in the galaxy’s best content funnel: Why Was I Ganked?

Alas, it appears potty mouth Odbayar has run away, enduring a horrific series of deaths in the Niarja wasteland. Even then, when I heard his plaintive mewling, I wanted to help. I reached out, patiently urging him to come home.

What can I do? CCP scams miners, promising a theme park adventure in which they all become kings and queens. The reality is they need to bend the knee, fall in line, and pay taxes. Otherwise, they face a fate worse than death. Eternal limbo, with no escape, in and out of constellations which never make sense.

I begged Odbayar to return, but he wouldn’t listen.

If you see Odbayar out there, tell him to come home to Princess Aiko. Where I live, isk just falls from the sky, and we CONCORD ships full of PLEX. The best thing for newbros is to come into my Crystal Palace, form an orderly queue, and wait patiently for an agent to process their citizenship application. It might take a while, and there may be unexpected administrative fees, but it’s better than EVE University.

I’ll update the Treasury when I get around to playing Spreadsheets in Space.

To be continued…

Way too good at camouflage
Can’t see what I am, is a felony
Voices in my head make up my entourage
‘Cause I’m a black belt
I’m an expert at giving love to somebody else
I, me, myself
Me, myself and I
Haters that live on the internet
Live in my space, should be paying rent
I’m way too good at listening
And I always got my finger on your self-destruct
I’m a 10 out of 10, even when you forget!
I’m a 10 out of 10, don’t you ever forget!

I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why am I always looking to gank and die?
I wonder when I love me is enough, mmm (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

 

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