wodger1, we barely even knew thee. Will there ever be a wodger2? Alas, your Elara fit Venture was not long for this galaxy.
wodger1 is (supposedly) dying in real-life, and he just wants to relax. As everyone knows, CCP has won awards from hospice centres, the American Cancer Society, and the National Health Service, which hail Highsec as the perfect place to die in real-life. What better for a dying grandparent, than to die in a Venture?
knuF aknaynA, formerly known as Anyanka Funk, is one of the greatest Thrasher pilots. When she saw wodger1, she had no idea he was dying of cancer (supposedly, maybe), nor did she realize he was hidden inside a lonely post-Apocalyptic bunker, desperately struggling to avoid Wu Flu and survive just one final tragic day. All she knew was that wodger1 didn’t have a mining permit, and he was actively engaged in ore theft.
wodger1 died (in game) and was teleported to a magical place, known as Why Was I Ganked? Here, miners are free to seek solace and comfort. Unfortunately, wodger1 had no desire for adventure. He only wanted to mine.
The words dropped like a bombshell. Wodger1 is sick and frail, desperately wanting to mine one last rock, before that permanent downtime. Of course, according to The Atlantic, people often fake cancer, to obtain sympathy. Huffington Post notes that some people are psychologically driven to pretend they have cancer, to gain advantage. Psychology Today published a warning, that false cancer claims are a common element of real-life scams. From London, BBC Radio reports an epidemic of healthy people, who pretend they are dying from cancer. However, in a game like EVE Online, where nobody ever tells a lie, surely we should give wodger1 special accommodation?
On the other hand, perhaps we should just play the game.
Alas, wodger1 decided to quit. He couldn’t mine peacefully, endlessly, without any challenge whatsoever. So guess what, he’s just gonna go die elsewhere.
I truly meant what I said. I sincerely hope wodger1 enjoyed EVE, and I believe he appreciates knowing that Princess Aiko is somewhere out there, making EVE slightly more stimulating than watching a screensaver.
As wodger1 prepared to uninstall, agents sought to ensure that wodger1’s legacy would live on through other AFK miners. Carebears were utterly appalled. How could evil CODE. agents act with such callous disregard for the life of a miner?
Personally, if my grandfather were dying, I would advise him not to install EVE Online. I would absolutely never suggest that anyone try and utilize the Rookie Help channel. So I don’t feel I did anything wrong. I was nothing but polite, and kindly informed wodger1 that I intend to eradicate the mining caste. If he doesn’t like that, he might prefer playing another game, such as Candy Crush, Farmville, or Minecraft.
Must we pretend that EVE is not a PvP game? I’m a semi-professional chess player, in real-life. I’ve played people who were dying of cancer. I’ve played people in wheelchairs, people who are blind, people who physically cannot move a chess piece. I’ve made little kids cry, with tears weeping down their sad faces. Did you know, they would be absolutely INSULTED if I gave them less than my best PvP?
I’ll say this. Carebears like Curve Ature could have helped wodger1, if they actually wanted. They could have offered to provide him with mining boosts, and given free ships and ore. The carebears could, if they want, create an entire corporation full of self-proclaimed invalids, and work overtime to keep everyone happy. I guess Curve didn’t want to actually do anything to help, he just wanted to virtue signal.
A lot of people claim the CODE. griefs new players, driving them from the game. However, when you look at the facts, this isn’t true. Any new player who wants to learn, will find we are far more helpful than crusty old crabs at EVE University. We will actually show you how to win, and we won’t refer you to some outdated wiki article. However, if all you want to do is AFK in the other room, while your mining alt accrues piddly amounts of passive income… well, we are going to exterminate you.
Before he passed on, wodger1 set me to “excellent standing” and sent a private message. wodger1 doesn’t dislike me, or the CODE. He just doesn’t want to mine anymore. Also, he never actually claimed he was dying. I think he’s just fine.
Good for him!
Here are some mathain, defeated between November 22 @ 00:00 and November 28 @ 23:59.
Direwolf2000 thought he could pick a scary name, and use an innocent looking Orca to smuggle a Hel blueprint through Uedama. However, Dolphin Don and Nitetime Video weren’t afraid of the big bad wolf.
Klorel Hakaari decided to fly another Hecate, directly against the North Wind. I don’t know who is coming up with these zany doctrines, but they are stupid.
Antiganking goofus Alice Blacktail also had a cunning plan. She fitted her Venture with green stuff, and patiently waited in the belt. She didn’t have to wait long, and Alleil Pollard dropped in for a quick chat. Afterward, Alice gloated in public, because she ‘killed’ Alleil. What a dummy dumdum!
Xrea Nefarious didn’t want to fly his battleship in Highsec, where evil ganker griefers might extirpate him, so he went into hiding. However, IllumuIll Estemaire and Celedion Warseraph found him in the Vale of the Silent. Killboard awarded them each 94 points, so it was a fair fight. No blobbery here!
Catalyst Jhonson 1 was happily mining in her Vindicator, when she encountered a real Catalyst. Unfortunately, her head was full of junk, and she died. Sad!
Miners truly appreciate our hard work.
You can tell by how not upset they are.
At lot of people think I’m the best. I can agree with that.
“You stupid European bitch, brains in your skull like a mosquito fucked, such scum as you are better to destroy in the womb, for more than sitting fucking in your isolated barn and poking at the buttons of the mind is not enough.”
I’m a Lady, and miners love my content.
Some of them don’t seem very sensible.
However, I’m sure they learnt an important lesson.
At the very least, they seem to enjoy mining, and reading my blog.
They can tell I’m a nice girl, and they’d like to meet my mother.
“I’m going to shit on your fucking mother, fill the cone with worms like your son of a thousand parents, I hope you die of AIDS, you and all your fucking chestnut, disgusting daughter.”
I know what these bears really need.
I want to make them happy.
They are gonna get a whole lot of it.
Every goblok is gonna get just exactly what they deserve.
It’s gonna be fun!
Everybody is gonna have a great time.
I guess some things never change.
Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Space Lord High Supreme Star Excellency avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka 140, aka aiva naali, aka Megathronus Rex, was determined to ensure his place at the head of the Imperium’s mighty War Council. While Brisc Rubal and the Mittani talked in stations, avia took direct command of the fleets, to ensure the success and glory of Goonswarm.
Pandemic Horde was on the brink of utter annihilation, with the dance squad infiltrating past confused gate camps, and cloaky wolves nipping at the horde’s tenuous logistics. It was now early summer for most people, but avia found himself upside down, facing the approach of a harsh Antarctic winter…
Amidst a frigid blizzard, avia reflected upon the campaigns of Napoleon, paying particular attention to the advance upon Moskva in 1812. Just as Napoleon was betrayed by treacherous Germans, avia feared that the double traitor Vily might lead TEST upon Fortress Delve. Ah, but all this reflection gave avia a sudden burst of inspiration. What if he adopted Napoleon’s doctrine of the Grande Batterie?
Why stop there? Each nation has its own unique racial characteristics, and avia sought to organize Goonswarm according to natural tendencies.
Meanwhile, Princess Aiko took direct command of the anti-mining taskforce, and drew avia’s attention to the belts, from which Pandemic miners continued to pour minerals into the vast Horde assembly lines.
With his vast experience, this was precisely the kind of direct technical question which avia was well suited to address. He immediately resolved the problem.
The solution was simple enough. First, use a bump reflection to knock them away from their digg. Subsequently, kill all the rats! As Sun Tzu once observed, when a miner sees a digg without any rats, he is naturally loath to continue mining. However, what of the new nationalist doctrine? Was the fleet happy?
All was well, and everyone was delighted to join Heritage Fleet. avia smiled, and declared it was time for pod races!
As combat engineers returned to the Delve, and began work on the Circus Maximus, avia continued to innovate. With a stroke of sheer genius, he surpassed even Napoleon, creating the EVE equivalent of mobile horse artillery. Of course, range could be readily corrected by bumping battleships back and forth.
Meanwhile, weird things were happening, especially in Highsec.
avia was glad to have a new ally, because he was about to have a new enemy.
The Great Imperator let his foes know, he was aware of their plot.
Would that double traitor, Vily the Silly, heed this warning? More importantly, would Pandemic Horde be left utterly demoralized by a taunting?
The Great Mind War took place behind the scenes, a metagame confrontation between some of the most powerful players in EVE history. Of course, the result was a stunning success, as Pandemic Horde’s top strategist suddenly had a public meltdown.
avia was proud of his work.
It was nearly time to sound the Horn of Goondor!
Previously, in James 315 Space… Warrior McQueen lost his beloved Mackinaw, and a bunch of fancy implants. This really sucked, but he was delighted to learn that everything would be promptly returned, after one easy installment of 100 million isk. Also, there was a
30 40 70 million isk shipping fee.
After several payments, Warrior was ready to get his stuff.
Unfortunately, griefers are ruining the game.
Fortunately, Warrior’s friends were willing to help.
Unfortunately, there was a problem.
Was Warrior trying to scam Alleil?
Warrior was ready for his new Mackinaw!
Unfortunately, he was also an isk cheater.
To be continued…
Miners aren’t the brightest…
…but they know who we are.
They know why we are coming…
…and they especially love to see me.
We are all just playing a game…
…and we aren’t gonna stop.
Recently, Captain Bonk lost a Venture. Oops!
After a quick investigation, we determined it was his own fault.
He seems to like me a lot.
What a friendly bot.
First things first.
Permits are required by law!
Captain Bonk writes a lot of great mails. I would get banned if I wrote such things, but Bonk is a miner, so he can write anything he wants.
What a classy miner.
I’m sure he’s a great person, in real-life!
A lot of people have been wondering.
Perhaps, you noticed the old MinerBumping channel seems small, empty, and filled with dusty cobwebs. Frankly, James 315 doesn’t care about that channel. It’s dead to him. It’s dead to me. It’s dead to us. We are now well into the Jamespocalypse, so antiganking spammers are free to enjoy that channel’s utter lack of moderation.
It’s not the first time James has switched channels. I should know!
The New Order is not stagnant, and we have moved on to the promised channel of milk and honey. Here, we have our very own Princess.
Indeed, James prefers his new channel, Why Was I Ganked?
He endorsed it. It’s official.
It also poses a great question.
Did you really think James forgot about the miners?
Somehow, I know exactly what he wants.
The old channel served a purpose, once upon a time. However, it also encouraged stale repetition, docked up sycophancy, and cringy roleplay. Gankers squabbled over who is most beloved by James, and who is the true heir (or heiress?) to the ice throne. In stark contrast, the new channel leaves no room for doubt, with stimulating discussion on a pertinent topic. It’s more focused, and better moderated, for our strategic purposes.
Of course, by now, everyone knows about James and Aiko.
Some people just have it all backwards.
Regardless, our new channel is the perfect place to meet dead miners…
…and listen to their endless praise.
Meanwhile, we intend to kill the bears…
…and bring them to justice.
We can help them. We will save them.
It’s what James told me to do.
He made me your Saviourette (yours and yours).
He even taught me how to make a website.
I’m doing a pretty good job. Outstanding!
The diggers are starting to understand why I’m here.
They know what I bring to the table.
Oh boy, there’s a content train a’comin.
Listening to: Cartoon High Trip #2
Previously in James 315 Space, suki storm was a contestant on Deal Storm, winning negative twelve billion isk. Although suki claimed to have only 4 million isk, Princess Aiko helped suki pull 100 million isk out of an empty wallet. When she did it again, suki realized this is a cool magic trick, and he was happy to make it rain. 30 million isk. 10 million isk. 30 million isk. 40 million isk. 70 million isk. 80 million isk. 100 million isk. 100 million isk. 100 million isk. 100 million isk. 500 million isk. 1 billion isk. 2 billion isk. 2 billion and 315 million isk. This is how you win EVE.
Everybody loves to play my game.
Surely, Princess Aiko can’t do it again?
You can’t stop her. She does it all the time.
Aiko is invincible.
It’s just part of the game.
Every game has winners and losers.
Follow me, if you want to win.
This isn’t a negotiation.
I’m a Princess.
To be continued…
zuzzik continues to recover from several unfortunate hauling incidents, expressing his feelings through a visual medium.
Oi, and well met me lubbers. Ere be some berran that be deaden o’twixt the weeke o’ November 14 @ 00:00 and November 21 @ 23:59.
Haha, I lied! Pharos Rollett died last week, but his memory lingers, and this certainly qualifies as a Kill of the Week. People keep asking whether ganking is profitable, and I just shake my head. Others tell me how easy it is, and I wonder why everyone isn’t doing this. I’ll tell you what, the northern wind doth verily blow cold and fierce, so I’d sure hate to be a dumb goofus trying to haul stuff in a destroyer.
Cutchybank died again! OMG. This is his second appearance here, and I imagine we will see him again. I occasionally wonder whether it’s ethical to encourage carebears to swipe their credit card and buy pixels from CCP. I guess it’s a lot like playing poker, in the basement of a strip club. Don’t spend what you can’t afford to lose!
Sometimes a jump freighter forgets to jump, and they just AFK meander into Uedama, where they die for no real reason at all. Who knows what Ella Ponz was thinking, but at least now she is with her dead friends.
Lemmann Russ had a nightmare. When he woke up, he realized it wasn’t a dream. Some people say that CODE. is a joke, but Never Gonna SeeGrandKids is pretty serious. He misses them dearly, and has nothing better to do with his time.
Rak Kronos really doesn’t like CODE. He proved it by CONCORDing his Vindicator on an innocent Astero. Learza Thiesant was rather surprised to be ‘ganked’, and hopes to experience this again. I suppose it’s the equivalent of dropping a Talos on a Venture. Kudos to Rak for his inspired determination, but he might want to consider the longterm financial efficacy of his ganking operation. Try using a Catalyst!
I’m sure glad that I’m on a winning team with Zopiclone, and not in a loser mining corporation with Imelda Virpio.
Nitetime Video killed a streamer. This bear used inappropriate language, and wondered why he was targeted. I know why. He didn’t have a mining permit.
In the sandbox, everything you do has the potential to cause endless ramifications which echo across spacetime. When I ganked Pranav Singh‘s Orca, I had no idea this would awaken a PvP champion. Good job Pranav, I hope you keep going! I guess Princess Aiko truly is the promised Saviourette. I’m here to help.