Month: November 2020

The Wayseeker, Part 2

Previously, in James 315 Space… the Wayseeker is a follower of the Old Gods, a false prophet with a gospel of carebear heresy. Such madness is an affront to Highsec. We must purify the miners in a blast of excited neutrons, and only in this way can Thetans be released from their evil soul.

The Wayseeker was not mad at all, and he certainly wasn’t invoking theological dogma to defend his right to steal my ore (the very same ore that James 315 bequeathed to me). Indeed, as you will see below, he openly acknowledged that nearly ‘everyone’ in Highsec is a demonic bot in service of the anti-James. They are merely inanimate irrelevant objects, NPCs which we have a moral duty to extirpate.

We must cast them down…

…exposing their unholy silicon wafer.

Wayseeker pleaded with me, asking me to treat others as I would have them do unto me. Let me doth say verily and thusly, should thoust findeth me in yonder baleful Venture, then doeth thou well to smite me asunder.

The Wayseeker claimed TRUTH, but miners are liars.

He also became increasingly incoherent.

His was a most troubled soul.

What lesson can we learn from this parable of the Wayseeker?

There are some who harbor greed and hate in their hearts.

I will save them all.

It is the way.

The Wayseeker

Believe it or not, some miners don’t like us.

Apparently, we are hypocritical villains?

They feel it is morally wrong to shoot their Ventures…

… and they don’t think I’m a very good Princess.

Such individuals often worship false prophets.

There is no James but James, and Aiko is His only begotten Princess.

I’m not roleplaying with you.

I am without a d.

I am just a regular girl…

… who loves to save miners.


We witnessed unto a lost Wayseeker.

 

The Jamespocalypse has come like a witty thief in the night.

Even the lowliest Venture shalt not escape mine LAW. Verily, and hearken ye forth, for a WRATHFUL princess be most filled with INDIGNATION and is come to FREE the bears and fulfill HIS glorious PROMISE.

Space is dark, and full of terrible miners.

To be continued…

 

 

Deal Storm #4

Previously, in James 315 Space… Princess Aiko developed a master plan. First, you kill the Mackinaw. Then you charge them 100 million isk, twice. Next, you charge them 30 million isk. Oops. 40 million isk, not 10 million isk. I mean, 70 million isk! Also, they owe another 30 million isk, or 40 million now. So, 70… 80 is fine! Also, why not sell them an Orca for another 100? Why not another 100? And another? 

Miner suki storm was happy to be done.

Voila! In the beginning, suki only had 4 million isk.

suki storm > i hav” just 4million in my account

After investing with Aiko, isk was falling from the sky.

You can’t stop this girl! She’s invincible. Seriously, what’s her secret recipe for success? Is she casting spells? Hypnosis? Does she plan everything out, years in advance? Is it sheer charisma? Intuition, fate, or old fashioned Texas luck? Sex appeal??? Maybe, she was just born with it? Send me 100 million, and I’ll tell you! 

Suki was catching on. Alleil asked for 30 million isk, and would then normally state “Oops, I typoed! You owe 40 million.” Suki would then send another 10 million, and Alleil would say, “No, no, you owed 70 million, so you paid 40 and still owe 30.” This time, however, Suki just immediately sent 70 million isk straight away. Too bad Alleil typoed, because suki actually owed 100! Nice try, suki!

Suki was learning fast, and it was time to overheat.

Once again, Suki was bankrupt…

However, he was also a contestant on Deal Storm, where the price is always right!

Could Suki afford to win?

He had to think fast!

Think big!

Why would you use a cellphone to take screenshots?

Miners love me, and they love my content.

To be continued…

Deal Storm #3

Deal Storm, Part 1

Previously in James 315 Space…suki lost a Mackinaw, and paid 100 million isk to get it back. Maybe it exploded, but perhaps it dropped as a lootable item? Princess Aiko is a nice lady, so suki paid twice, and bought an Orca for another 100 million. He also paid 30 million plus 10 million plus 30 million. He did it again (and again).

Even antigankers stand in awe of me, and well they should. EVE is a game, like Monopoly. Except, when I visit your Boardwalk hotel, you will pay me for the privilege of my presence. Also, why don’t you hand over those blue cards, thank you!

Back when I invented isk quintupling, I understood the importance of a solid telemarketing script. Once you bring the client into a money funnel, you don’t want them to escape. I eventually realized you don’t need to return any isk at all. Just keep being honest, and calmly explain the terms and conditions. You will quintuple your money in no time! Suki owed me 100 million isk. He also owed 30 million isk for shipping and handling. Oops. I typoed. He actually owes me 40 million isk. Why did he only send 10 million more? Shipping and handling is 70 million, so he just needs to pay 30 million!

It’s ok to improvise and innovate. Jerry Rin might be dead and gone, forever and ever, but Aiko is here to save you. Just listen closely and understand. Shabba wabba doo wat do wat. 10 million? 30 million? 40 million? 50 million? 100 million? Just send me all your isk, just send it all to me, and I’ll spend it on myself.

Did you ever wonder how Aiko got so space rich?

I’m soooo good at EVE. I’ll let my assistant take over.

Oh boy, suki is about to get his Mackinaw and an Orca!

I even helped out antiganker Talivaldis.

Sometimes, I make it rain.

10 million isk for a mining permit? Haha, I think we can do a bit better.

Alas, poor suki was bankrupt – or was he just lying?

He paid Talivaldis twice, then he paid me thrice more.

I just need (another) 100 million!

We aren’t done suki. There’s no escaping the spider queen’s web!

I love to suck men dry, and they kinda enjoy it.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Newbro PartTimeJerk got dunked in his Venture. Three times, according to zKillboard. EVE would be boring without the CODE.

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DOUBLE BONUS: I sure do love shooting bot Ventures!

Deal Storm #2

Previously in James 315 Space… suki storm lost a Mackinaw. In order to get a new Mackinaw, he paid 100 million isk to Princess Aiko. Rewind. Before paying 100 million, he paid another 100 million.

Aiko Danuja > hello miner
Kalorned > Hi!
suki storm > i’am not miner do’nt take the risk
No Bodiei > Aiko is drunk
Aiko Danuja > Suki, pay me 100 million isk or I will gank you again
suki storm > it was my first dit to minning since a moment i can do some mistake no ?
Aiko Danuja > I will destroy another miner ship, unless you pay me 100,000,000.
suki storm > i have no isk by you fault

He claimed to have no money, but miners are liars.

Aiko Danuja > Once you send the isk, I will send you a receipt as confirmation of payment. If you do not pay, I will not allow you to mine.
suki storm > i hav” just 4million in my account

Aiko Danuja > Good, now find another 96 million.
Buttercup Potemkin > hurry up miner
suki storm > if you continue to speak as this i go to be rebel
suki storm > you think you can destroy a kronos in few second ?
Aiko Danuja > i can kill a kronos easy
suki storm > with what you kill a kronos XD
suki storm > yeah it’s really my problem

He still needed to pay 100 million isk.

That’s 100 million, not 4 plus 96. He also needed to pay 30 million isk for shipping. Er, um, 40 million. No, I didn’t mean 30 million plus 10 million = 40 million. I meant 30 + 40 = 70 million. Hurry up, miner!

suki storm > your number is your power that’s all
Netheril X > Did I make you cum when you blew up my ship?
suki storm > i want just play i, peace
Elise Shomitzsu > No wonder no one likes this shit game.
No Bodiei > suki storm u have to pay for pillow talk
Aiko Danuja > Elise is just grumpy, because her mackinaw exploded.

So suki paid, and paid, and paid again (and again).

No Bodiei > you won’t see anything like this anywhere else in eve. Aiko is one of the great wonders of eve that should be seen on a grand tour

He also needed to tip the delivery driver.

It is customary to also tip the other driver.

The standard tip is 30 million. I mispoke, 40 million. That’s 70 million! Or 80?

If there is a third driver, you must tip again. Always! The fee is just 30 millon. I mean, 40 million, 70 million!

This is the art of the deal.

Shipping is free, but you have to pay the Uedama toll (again)!

It’s just 30 million. I mean, you owe 40. So 70, right?

Don’t forget about the other delivery driver!

Fortuna Avarice Cash > ruthless
Talivaldis > what a wonderous and joyful thing to behold the princess
Purgo > Amazing Aiko

To be continued…

Kills of the Week

Previous Kills of the Week

I sure do love killing miners! Here are some bears, arrested between November 8 @ 00:00 and November 14 @ 23:59.

***

No surprises here. Cutchybank is a confirmed goofus, who already lost four hundred billion isk to the mighty CODE. alliance. What’s another twenty-four billion? I’m just happy to hang out with cute boys, like Jason Kusion and Dolphin Don.

***

You might not know who MrDiao is, but let me assure you, he is the man. When MrDiao saw kk ly botting in her Gila, he knew exactly what to do. Zkillboard recognized his victory, awarding him twenty-eight points. Well done, friend!

***

slaventii7788 Akita was tired of mining. In order to hurry up and finish the job, he decided to utilize an illegal ‘Aoede’ fit, and there was only one response. As required by law, Ulianov and Shilliam Watner put this miner out of his misery.

***

Pitraven filled her ship full of the usual trash. This got me all kinds of excited, and Jake Kusion thinks there is nothing better than running a train up on Princess Aiko. I don’t mind, I kind of like it. I think my favourite Kusion is Janiqua Kusion.

***

I’m not very good in an interceptor, but Eva Govli isn’t any good in a ‘combat recon ship’. We found her hiding in the Vale, and Julian Snelders put her down. Did you really think we were afraid? Good fight!

***

sexicool Maricadie thought she was hot stuff, with a brain full of silicon wafers. We dunked her, and she was finished off by Aryte Vesperia and Zigam.

 

 

Mean Man Vale

Recently, I was out dunking sad little Ventures, when I came across a mining Tayra. I naturally checked for a permit, and was thoroughly disappointed to realize that Vale Toralen is a common ore thief. I waited patiently for him to acknowledge me in local chat, but he was AFK, in violation of the CODE.

When he woke up, Vale wanted to discuss his feelings.

After this abusive tirade, everyone rushed to console me.

Meanwhile, Vale began to write me.

He’s gonna sell my killright, IRL.

Apparently, I ruined his empire.

He will send CONCORD after me, and all my friends!

He’s gonna report me, and I will be banned!

Does he even know who I am?

He is serious, with a powerful main!

I tried to help him calm down.

He is sending 100 alts after me, a teenage girl!

He’s also selling my info!

Hold on now, is he threatening me?

I think he likes me.


 

The Best Revenge, Part 91

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously in James 315 Space… Goonswarm has a new FC, the High Lord Sky Marshal avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka ‘lil Mittens, aka James 315 2.0, aka He Who Knocks Upon Stars. avia recently transcended space, time, and basic mechanics, learning to master the ultimate power of the galaxy. Rat bombs and rweaking ballquals exploded across nullsec, as avia developed increasingly powerful supperweapons, becoming the first capsuleer in history to proclaim himself Queen of the Rats.

Unfortunately, the power of a rat queen is too awesome to behold, and avia forbid Goonswarm to ever use this weapon of sheer terror and infinite destruction. Even if all of Delve were lost to the Horde, and the Horn of Gondor shattered asunder, only a fool would dare to summon the dread Leviathan Cthulhu.

Now that he possesssed infinite power, avia resumed taunting Pandemic Horde from the MinerBumping.com blog comments. As avia knew, MinerBumping was the center of the Imperium, and an ideal place to humiliate his enemies.

Pandemic Horde spies worked overtime to try and mislead avia, pretending that there was no war at all. However, the truth is now plain as day.

avia gloated over his foolish adversaries, revealing that the entire war has been just a mere training exercise for the Imperial Navy.

As Pandemic Horde writhed in misery, caught in avia’s web of training skank traps, he dutifully made another payment to fund the mighty swarm.

Now that bills were paid, it was time to issue new orders.

AGBee 001 was directed to make a leap frog attack. Meanwhile, lanceing fleet caused chaos, and cloaky wolves permanently blocked the road to Jita. In the rear, a line of rorquals firmly blocked Pandemic counterattacks.

With their frontline torn asunder, Pandemic Horde was sorely unprepared for phase II of the operation. Sleeper agents, hidden inside the Horde for years, suddenly awoke and volunteered for guard duty. These spies let dancing fleet slip deeper inside Horde’s inner nest, triggering awestruck confusion wherever they might cast their allure. In turn, this provided cover for logistics spies, who systematically photographed schedules, and placed grenades into the very cogs of Pandemic industry.

However, could avia survive a harsh Antarctic winter?

To be continued…

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BONUS VIDEOS: Have you ever wondered what Ventures do after they get podded? Where do they go, what do they think about? Fortunately, McDubbzyTTV was streaming his own afterlife. Is this the start of a war?