Big Deal

I’m defo a big deal.

You aren’t truly space famous, until people you don’t even know are making EVE videos starring your beautiful face. Apparently, someone noticed that Highsec has a new queen. That’s right.


The people love me.

And who are you, the proud lord said
A spider still has fangs…

So now the rains, weep o’er his hall
With no one there to hear…
 

Highsec News

The latest breaking Highsec news. Read all about it!

Miner Khatoum was eager to attract subscribers, and what could be more exciting than watching his spaceship explode? Khatoum was so shocked, his hand hovered in space for a long time. He wasn’t especially mad at Nitetime Video, but let lose a string of f-bombs when he heard about a c-word princess.

Here’s a mining joke:

Haha, very funny miners.

In other news, Brisc Rubal doubled down on being utterly obtuse. 

Hellokittyonline made a reasonable request. Did you know, suspects can be attacked by anyone and everyone? Wouldn’t the game be more fun, if suspects could form fleets, and work together with friends? Is there any reason that they must always be alone? I remember, a long time ago, I thought neutral logi support was the dumbest thing. However, I didn’t realize that logi also went suspect, and could be attacked and killed. So how is that unfair play? It sounds like a great way to generate fleet content in Highsec.

Since I killed kitty’s Phantasm, I’m a credible source in regard to whether his playstyle is ‘overpowered’. Without CONCORD protection, he is exposed and vulnerable. Why shouldn’t suspects utilize remote support, what’s wrong with that? If you attack a suspect, you should be prepared to fight their friends.

I can’t imagine a more asinine response. Just in case you aren’t clear on the rules of this game, the suspect cannot engage a target UNLESS the target shoots them. By definition, suspects are only engaging targets that fight back.

I don’t think Brisc cares about Highsec. Should CCP delete it?

Before long, Brisc began insisting suspect baiters “never” lose ships, and he even claimed that I have only lost two ships. Ever.

It’s ok to say stupid things, but come on Brisc… you just jumped the shark. 

Brisc insists suspect baiting is bullying and griefing, unfair plane which should be nerfed out of existence. It’s ‘overpowered’ when Krig Povelli has a lone Nergal, and offers to simultaneously duel every other player in the game. Meanwhile, Brisc led a taskforce of three Nergals and dozens of assault frigates, to dunk a hapless procurer. You tell me? Who is actually attacking ships that can’t shoot back? 

Brisc claims to be an expert on ganking. He knows we ‘never’ lose, and never take fights unless we are 100% sure to win.

I’ll tell you what, I’ve seen a lot of ganks go wrong. I don’t know what 315 would call it, when my Catalyst explodes, and miners are laughing. I call it defeat. In fact, I’m never sure I’ll be able to kill a Venture. It might have shields, it might be moving, it might have antiganking support, and there’s faction police and CONCORD. Also, Catalysts cost money, and most ganks result in a net loss. However, Brisc believes I’ve only lost two spaceships, and I never lose. I wish I was as good as Brisc believes.

I wanted to know where Brisc developed his intimate understanding of ganking. Here I am, just a lowly CODE. princess, but the great Brisc Rubal is lecturing me on the ganking mindset. What does he know? How? 

Brisc has participated in 21 ganks. Wow!

Here’s what MiniLuv had to say about his participation.

It’s cool to disagree, and even be totally wrong, but seriously. Sometimes, it’s ok to admit that you don’t know what you are talking about.

 

Ye Olde Killinges o’thine Weeke

Previous Kills of the Week

Oi, and well met me lubbers. Ere be some berran that be deaden o’twixt the weeke o’ November 14 @ 00:00 and November 21 @ 23:59.

***

Haha, I lied! Pharos Rollett died last week, but his memory lingers, and this certainly qualifies as a Kill of the Week. People keep asking whether ganking is profitable, and I just shake my head. Others tell me how easy it is, and I wonder why everyone isn’t doing this. I’ll tell you what, the northern wind doth verily blow cold and fierce, so I’d sure hate to be a dumb goofus trying to haul stuff in a destroyer.

***

Cutchybank died again! OMG. This is his second appearance here, and I imagine we will see him again. I occasionally wonder whether it’s ethical to encourage carebears to swipe their credit card and buy pixels from CCP. I guess it’s a lot like playing poker, in the basement of a strip club. Don’t spend what you can’t afford to lose!

***

Sometimes a jump freighter forgets to jump, and they just AFK meander into Uedama, where they die for no real reason at all. Who knows what Ella Ponz was thinking, but at least now she is with her dead friends.

***

Lemmann Russ had a nightmare. When he woke up, he realized it wasn’t a dream. Some people say that CODE. is a joke, but Never Gonna SeeGrandKids is pretty serious. He misses them dearly, and has nothing better to do with his time.

***

Rak Kronos really doesn’t like CODE. He proved it by CONCORDing his Vindicator on an innocent Astero. Learza Thiesant was rather surprised to be ‘ganked’, and hopes to experience this again. I suppose it’s the equivalent of dropping a Talos on a Venture. Kudos to Rak for his inspired determination, but he might want to consider the longterm financial efficacy of his ganking operation. Try using a Catalyst! 

***

I’m sure glad that I’m on a winning team with Zopiclone, and not in a loser mining corporation with Imelda Virpio.

***

BONUS CONTENT

Nitetime Video killed a streamer. This bear used inappropriate language, and wondered why he was targeted. I know why. He didn’t have a mining permit.

***

DOUBLE BONUS

In the sandbox, everything you do has the potential to cause endless ramifications which echo across spacetime. When I ganked Pranav Singh‘s Orca, I had no idea this would awaken a PvP champion. Good job Pranav, I hope you keep going! I guess Princess Aiko truly is the promised Saviourette. I’m here to help.

 

Deal Storm #3

Previously in James 315 Space… suki lost a Mackinaw, and paid 100 million isk to get it back. Maybe it exploded, but perhaps it dropped as a lootable item? Princess Aiko is a nice lady, so suki paid twice, and bought an Orca for another 100 million. He also paid 30 million plus 10 million plus 30 million. He did it again (and again).

Even antigankers stand in awe of me, and well they should. EVE is a game, like Monopoly. Except, when I visit your Boardwalk hotel, you will pay me for the privilege of my presence. Also, why don’t you hand over those blue cards, thank you!

Back when I invented isk quintupling, I understood the importance of a solid telemarketing script. Once you bring the client into a money funnel, you don’t want them to escape. I eventually realized you don’t need to return any isk at all. Just keep being honest, and calmly explain the terms and conditions. You will quintuple your money in no time! Suki owed me 100 million isk. He also owed 30 million isk for shipping and handling. Oops. I typoed. He actually owes me 40 million isk. Why did he only send 10 million more? Shipping and handling is 70 million, so he just needs to pay 30 million!

It’s ok to improvise and innovate. Jerry Rin might be dead and gone, forever and ever, but Aiko is here to save you. Just listen closely and understand. Shabba wabba doo wat do wat. 10 million? 30 million? 40 million? 50 million? 100 million? Just send me all your isk, just send it all to me, and I’ll spend it on myself.

Did you ever wonder how Aiko got so space rich?

I’m soooo good at EVE. I’ll let my assistant take over.

Oh boy, suki is about to get his Mackinaw and an Orca!

I even helped out antiganker Talivaldis.

Sometimes, I make it rain.

10 million isk for a mining permit? Haha, I think we can do a bit better.

Alas, poor suki was bankrupt – or was he just lying?

He paid Talivaldis twice, then he paid me thrice more.

I just need (another) 100 million!

We aren’t done suki. There’s no escaping the spider queen’s web!

I love to suck men dry, and they kinda enjoy it.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Newbro PartTimeJerk got dunked in his Venture. Three times, according to zKillboard. EVE would be boring without the CODE.

***

DOUBLE BONUS: I sure do love shooting bot Ventures!

 

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 91

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously in James 315 Space… Goonswarm has a new FC, the High Lord Sky Marshal avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka ‘lil Mittens, aka James 315 2.0, aka He Who Knocks Upon Stars. avia recently transcended space, time, and basic mechanics, learning to master the ultimate power of the galaxy. Rat bombs and rweaking ballquals exploded across nullsec, as avia developed increasingly powerful supperweapons, becoming the first capsuleer in history to proclaim himself Queen of the Rats.

Unfortunately, the power of a rat queen is too awesome to behold, and avia forbid Goonswarm to ever use this weapon of sheer terror and infinite destruction. Even if all of Delve were lost to the Horde, and the Horn of Gondor shattered asunder, only a fool would dare to summon the dread Leviathan Cthulhu.

Now that he possesssed infinite power, avia resumed taunting Pandemic Horde from the MinerBumping.com blog comments. As avia knew, MinerBumping was the center of the Imperium, and an ideal place to humiliate his enemies.

Pandemic Horde spies worked overtime to try and mislead avia, pretending that there was no war at all. However, the truth is now plain as day.

avia gloated over his foolish adversaries, revealing that the entire war has been just a mere training exercise for the Imperial Navy.

As Pandemic Horde writhed in misery, caught in avia’s web of training skank traps, he dutifully made another payment to fund the mighty swarm.

Now that bills were paid, it was time to issue new orders.

AGBee 001 was directed to make a leap frog attack. Meanwhile, lanceing fleet caused chaos, and cloaky wolves permanently blocked the road to Jita. In the rear, a line of rorquals firmly blocked Pandemic counterattacks.

With their frontline torn asunder, Pandemic Horde was sorely unprepared for phase II of the operation. Sleeper agents, hidden inside the Horde for years, suddenly awoke and volunteered for guard duty. These spies let dancing fleet slip deeper inside Horde’s inner nest, triggering awestruck confusion wherever they might cast their allure. In turn, this provided cover for logistics spies, who systematically photographed schedules, and placed grenades into the very cogs of Pandemic industry.

However, could avia survive a harsh Antarctic winter?

To be continued…

***

BONUS VIDEOS: Have you ever wondered what Ventures do after they get podded? Where do they go, what do they think about? Fortunately, McDubbzyTTV was streaming his own afterlife. Is this the start of a war?

 

 

 

 

Welcome to EVE

I’m not really sure how Vashda became stuck in my web, but I was summoned to Twitch, and found him reading with gusto.

Vashda seems to appreciate Princess Aiko.

 

He was impressed by my resume…

 

…and acknowledges the New Order as EVE Online’s most elite guild.

He sincerely values our glorious culture.

He understands our sassy attitude.

Vashda knows exactly what Princess Aiko wants.

Check out his stream, where he intends to continue livestreaming the blog.

They claim that we grief newbros, but with just one day in EVE, Vashda was proud to accept an offer to join my glorious alliance. I’m quite happy to save him from boredom, and once you go CODE, there is no other road.

I’m the best recruiter in CODE. history.

Meanwhile, my Why Was I Ganked? channel remains the galactic epicentre.

It’s a great place to make friends and practice typing.

Some miners struggle to make a good first impression.

Many of them are just happy to meet a nice Lady.

They are often surprised to die in Highsec.

Of course, I’m super scared of lowsec.

Just kidding, it’s a lot easier without CONCORD interference.

Sir Jecht was PvP’d before he even reached lowsec.

***

=BREAKING NEWS=

Purgo has announced another glorious victory. This esteemed agent of the New Order is the first person in history to confiscate an illegal sanguine harvester. These are so new, that killboard doesn’t even have a picture for them. It reminds me of how I was the first person to gank a Thunderchild. Regardless, CCP can feel free to continue adding pointless garbage, and we will take out the trash.

Forever and ever

Praise James!

Oh James, I love you so much. All those years I worked as your personal secretary, skittering between office and armory, steering a wide berth around the rowdy barracks, and barely finding time to grab a cucumber from the mess. I didn’t do it for the money, or the fame, but just for you, my Saviour. Those bitter jellybears said I was sleeping my way to the top, but you know how chaste I am. All I wanted was to do my duty, unto my Lord. Even a Princess must serve the New Order, to the best of her ability, such is the law!

I always, always, knew I was destined to inherit Amarr, along with the Minmatar and Ammatar vassaldoms, plus the entirety of the Khanid March, with the Bleak and the Delvian slums, and all those lonely stars which have no name. I was content with that, so when you asked me to be your little Princess, I really had no desire to remain far from home. However, I kind of like being the one true Saviourette of the Order. Of course, the Great Khan Garkeh was delighted to learn his daughter has inherited the Caldari State, the Gallente Federation, and the endless Northern Waste.

It’s been so long since I’ve been able to go home, to Agil III. I miss the sight of a magnetostorm, as it ripples through the methane clouds. I yearn for my hundred ton robotank, with those beautiful particle projection cannons. I want to bring hot cranberry vodka for the infantry, and help them cook Mindflood in the ruins of some old shrine. Living amongst the greedy northern barbarians has really been quite a culture shock, but I confess, you saved me from a dismal fate. Without you, I would have wound up commanding some garrison on the Kamela front, where I might have died of boredom.

Killing people, just to drink their brain goo, that’s normal for us southern girls. They call us blood raiders, but let’s be real, I’m just a simple space vampire. As you might imagine, the Caldari cult of Halaima was utterly alien to me. Bumping people for money? What?! Why don’t we just kill them all? If they pay enough, we can crucify them on a cross of gold! My father despised Gallente terrorists, but you had the divine wisdom to turn Catalysts and Talosi into the very building blocks of our mighty civilization. I don’t know how you did it, but you did, and this is why I praise your name every 15 minutes of each particular day — as required by the sacred laws of the Halama.

Recently, I was super annoyed. This catty miner had the nerve to say I should be killing more miners! Oh really?! I told my friends about this, and we all had a good laugh. Then Zigam and Julian made a little video, which definitely cheered me up. Julian even has his own Youtube channel, and I can tell he doesn’t like carebear plebs!

Anyways, ever since you died, I’ve been praying for a miracle. I’m sure you will undock another Ishtar. Right? We can hunt Orcas together, like old times, and maybe even save the Delve (again)! However, I don’t suppose that’s likely to happen. So I’ll keep trying to kill these miners, as best I can, and hope to see you soon.

She could never know what it’s like
My blood, like winter, freezes just like ice
And there’s a cold, lonely light that shines from me
And did you think this girl could never win?
Well look at me, I’m a-coming back again

Once I never coulda hoped to win
You started down the road, leaving me here
The threats she made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus, you’d be a clown by now
You know I’m still standing better than I ever did
So don’t just fade away

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did?
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a true princess

And I’m still standing after all this time
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing

Praise James, forever and ever, and pray he will grant upon us his divine blessing, so that we might obliterate our enemies with an endless barrage from which they shalt know our mercy! We must destroy their fleets, and then Khanid will show them the glorious strength of our Army!

 

 

100 Billion!

As your official Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce that the mighty CODE. alliance continues to win daily.

That’s right.

This is some high praise!

I’ll allow it.

I like when people pay me to endorse myself.

Tweeps has been funding the alliance for a long time.

I imagine she will continue.

I’d super hate to be on her blacklist. Tweeps has so many alts, like literally thousands. It would be nigh impossible to play EVE, against an enemy who can destroy an entire alliance, without even bothering to login. Fortunately, Tweeps likes the CODE. and that’s part of our secret recipe — we have powerful friends in Highsec.

When I first met Tweeps, people told me to be careful. They said she is a dangerous evil scammer, who would take everything I have. Actually, they had it all backwards. Tweeps is really great, and I’m also like totally invincible. Everyone should strive to be more like Tweeps, and send everything they have to me.

Tweeps celebrated her wise investment, donning a party hat of solid gold, inlaid with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, amethysts, and chunks of pure zydrine.

In the old days, James would tip his own hat, in honor of such tribute. As a Princess, I can offer a slight wave of my hand, and perhaps a little something extra.

As word spread, spontaneous celebration erupted within the sacred Minerbumping channel, where everyone loves me.

Of course, friend.

We also had a big party in Teamspeak.

Everyone was invited. Some people were afraid to come, because they are intimidated by a strong woman, but apparently Aiko is really nice. Everybody enjoyed the opportunity to mix and mingle with their Saviourette, discussing personal goals, and how the OHNO! treasury might benefit their corporation.

Praising spread through every channel in the galaxy.

We had a super swell time.

Eventually, all parties come to an end.

Let’s do it again!

I was trying to decide if I should buy a fifth Titan, and intervene in the war. However, Magalaus Shardani had a much better idea.

Let’s just kill the bears.

All of them.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

 

 

 

 

A Few Questions

Why do we do it?

Sometimes, it takes a while for the miner to wake up.

AGBee 001 was busy ganking freighters, but she could spare a moment.

The Wayfarrer had finally found his way.

Without a doubt, Agent 001 is one of the best.

The price was most reasonable.

It wasn’t a hard decision.

CODE. compliance is easy.

Another satisfied customer!

Congrats miner!

***

BONUS: Fortuna Avarice Cash has promised to stop antiganking!

***

DOUBLE BONUS:I love these boys.

 

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #218

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #217

Some people think the purpose of this blog, is to showcase the tearful cries of Highsec miners. More accurately, this blog exists to tell the truth, and the facts are clear. A lot of people love the CODE. Of course they do!

I haven’t finished discussing the battle of Nalvula, but when I clarified that we have powerful friends in lowsec, nullsec, and spooky j-space… well, I wasn’t bluffing. It’s true, we are the most powerful coalition in the galaxy. You might be a crusty crab, mocking gankers, but that umbrella you depend on – those are CODE. titans, friend. Oh, did we not arrive in time? So sorry, you died! Seriously, how come nobody will help, when those nasty cloaky campers are hunting you? Hm. I wonder why? Well, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. James isn’t actually dead. He’s on his main, and a lot of alts.

While he is away, James wants me to domesticate the miners.

Indeed, they are desperate to please their queen regent.

I’ll allow it. I’ll even buy your stuff for free.

Of course, some gobloks seem upset about something.

“Fuck you, bastard! You yourself are bot!”

“You stupid bastard fuck you”

Bears love to communicate…

…although they aren’t very smart.

They think I’m cute, and love the official New Order hairstyle.

I like the attention.

I like my friends even more.

I enjoy killing dolbauks.

They are gross.

Let’s kill them all!

“I FUCK YOUR KIND, YOUR JAMES 315 FUCK DEAD ASCKES, YOU FUCKING CUM DIRTY DRESSFUCKING, ABOMINATION YOU ALL SUCK DUCK TV PUBLIC TOILETS You are a fucking filthy son, you are such a huya in life, they don’t take you on the panel, so go suck in public toilets there you belong hey you are a fucking nasty whore I’m not Ukrainian let them fuck your mouth, but I fucked your family, and everything that is connected with you with gross filth, a cocksucking whore went to the cost of a creature FUCKING SLUT THAT FUCK AND WILL FUCK ALL DIRTY ANIMALS, GO AND SELL YOUR HOLES FURTHER, I’M NOT A URANIAN, YOU ARE A FUCKING HOLY LOST CREATURE AND IN THIS, I AM SURE
FUCK YOU AND YOUR CORPORATION OF PIDARAS AND PROSTITUTES AND YOUR WHOLE SHIT ALLIANCE TOGETHER WITH THE MAIN SLUT JAMS WHO SUCKS EVERYBODY, FUCKING LOST SCROOM I FUCKED YOUR KIND”

Yet, I’m the one who gets warned?

BONUS VIDEO: Imagine being an antiganker!

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