I’n drink

This bonus room just got out of control, and I’m sitting here finishing a bottle of cranberry vodka, not really sure what to write.

People have been submitting quality content, and I want to write something, but that would also require me to sober up and actually do my job.

One of my favourite blog topics is myself.

I also kinda like Guybertini.

I don’t mind sharing this sacred space with others. Last night, I went on a sleazy date with some loser, and he was trying to get the details on what exactly I write about. I explained that people from all over the world write gibberish, and all their insane hatemail gets sent to me. I’m the disorganized center of the universe.

I checked out Twitch, and invited a streamer to my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel. It’s obviously the best channel in the galaxy. Like, hello? This nullbear was concerned that CODE. ganks hapless noobs, but when I dunked on a nineteen day-old Venture, even he had to admit this is amusing.

Let’s just face the facts, ok? James 315 put me on a pedestal, which confirms him as the coolest man in the history of EVE…

… and I’m just happy to help.

I love shooting miners.

They totes deserve it!

So, like, I’m not gonna stop.

I’m just getting started.

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #216

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #215

Bears are lonely souls, who desperately yearn for a personal relationship with their official Saviourette. It’s difficult to help miners, write a blog, and be a good housewife. I don’t know how I manage to look so great. Maybe I was born with it?

Some crabs like don’t like me, and I’m like totes fine. I don’t like like them very much either, to be like quite frank, miners like disgust me.

I like like people who like naturally like gravitate into my like orbit, and submit unconditionally unto me. I expect feudal subservience, my divine birthright. For example, Molagne Deninard was trying to steal my ore, and was surprised to discover his Twitch had viewers. Meanwhile, he warped from belt to belt, desperately trying to escape justice. He was breathing heavily, unsure where to go, whom could he trust? Eventually, he made the right decision, calming down to embrace fate.

Other miners make a slightly less optimal decision.

In order to advance our civilization, I have been encouraging miners to practice arts and crafts. I’m always pleased to see what they come up with.

There’s a secret message in the sky! If you stare long enough, you might notice my name, written amongst the stars. Of course, some gobloks prefer to compose essays, and I always (get it?) encourage them to express their little feelings.

Some carebears claim we are space bully griefers, that we just want to upset them and bathe in salty tears. Honestly (no roleplay here), I do enjoy that, but what brings me the most pleasure is knowing miners are grateful to die…

… and pay for the right to stamp my name on their bio.

It’s fair to say that I’m legitimately space famous.

I didn’t earn all this attention, but I definitely inherited it.

I know what the people want.

Somewhere, in Hek, James is proud of me.

He is proud of the CODE.

 

 

Moving On

Some people believe the CODE. alliance died years ago, when James 315 was permabanned. Others believe it died a few months ago, at the very moment James passed on. Still others believe it was dead from the start. However, readers of the blog know divine truth: James is far more powerful dead than alive. It also benefits me, so I’ll allow it.

Miners and plebs fixate upon the ‘Great War’, as my tributaries quarrel over the Delve, but they fail to understand this conflict began in Halaima (a peaceful mining system, near Jita). A true Princess never forgets.

Like, whatever!

Lewak began preaching a strange heresy. According to Lewakites, multiboxing is an evil sin, and Omega accounts are terribly unfair to poor alphas. All implants, no matter the type or purpose, are absolutely verboten. Meanwhile, Lewak glorified implanted multiboxing antigankers, who ‘enforce’ the CODE. upon the CODE. Lewak even began failganking on scouts, claiming that real gankers never use combat probes. We had a little disagreement, so I discussed this with Loyal, Globby, Tweeps, and Holdmybeer. They all asked the same question. “Who is Lewak?” Something had to be done, before the alliance was reduced to nothing but weird roleplayers! Praise James! 07

Actually, yes, I just might…

Fighting spread across Lonetrek, with fierce combat in Isanamo. Here, disgusting heretics were besieged inside an abandoned Nurtura warehouse, desperately scrounging for scraps of biomass and stale soylent wafers. Meanwhile, descending from Moon 21, spaceborne Khanid flametroopers rained hellfire upon their enemies. Neutron blasts scoured cities, as machine guns splattered bullets down narrow streets. The CODE. Civil War truely happened, and this permanently shifted the galactic balance of power.

 My, what a difference a year makes.

So, where do we go from here? 

Our vassals can squabble, but we’ve got business in Highsec, and the Summer Hole War is over. We know what to do, and our friends support us. We will simply apply a new litmus test, and this will root out all the closet bears.

PRAISE PRINCESS AIKO, SAVIOURETTE OF HIGHSEC,
AND HOLY EMPRESS OF CODE.

(pro tip: listen to the above on a permanent loop)

I recently discovered Lewak’s new mining alt corp, and confronted him her about his mining habit. Only someone with the honest integrity of a true Princess can defeat such treasonous minery. Indeed, she confessed to his illegal crimes, and (after praising me) was duly punished according to the laws of the Halaima Halama.

BEHOLD THE CONFESSION OF THE MINING TRAITOR

That’s right. Miners are liars. Always!

What a crab!

Rudokop Forever, Part 8

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously in James315.space… Adrian Vexier was seduced by the spider witch of Highsec. Consequently, he forsaked the antiganking community, transmorphing into a Russian hunting demon. Of course, the New Order logs and records absolutely everything (always), and there is naturally a video of the time that Rudokop Forever‘s alt SIM Gallent tried to trick Adrian. As faithful readers know, this didn’t work.

Afterward, Rudokop sulked, humiliated before a coven of demons.

He had faith, vengeance would come in the afterlife.

Local miners attempted to help Rudokop calm down.

However, he was beyond consolation.

Rudokop’s alt urged Adrian’s alt to betray his demonic leader.

Meanwhile, Rudokop cried as evil forces pushed him away from the ice and ore.

Alas, his favourite potato farm was haunted by space ghouls.

This was upsetting for him.

Rudokop’s alt foretold a dire prophecy. The demonic attacks would continue.

Indeed, Rudokop’s other alt was already doomed.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Miners pretend the CODE. is some kind of Veldspar mafia, imagining James 315 as a mobster and a goon. Now that James is dead as a door nail, it is important that we resist such vile slanders. Blake McAllister‘s artwork portrays James as he really was: a dapper business man, and a respected pillar of the community.

Old James is as dead as a door-nail. Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the galaxy’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that James is as dead as a door-nail.

 

 

Praise the Mighty GUIDE.

Highsec miners struggle to understand how they can safely earn isk, without effort or risk, while watching television. Fortunately, there is one corporation, which is always sometimes eager to save those who refuse to save themselves.

The New Eden Police Force has a lofty goal, to eliminate PvP in low security space. Of course, they aren’t able to survive in lowsec, and so they have been practicing in Highsec. Recently, the NEPF wrote a seminal GUIDE.

Like every antigank attempt, this immediately ended in an embarrassing failure. It appears that not only is the CODE. better at EVE, but we also seem to be better at literally everything else, including website stuff.

Gallente Citizen I > lol I think they might have posted a dead link
Jody Longbuck > url File not found.
Magalaus Shardani > yeah the domain is for sale

GUIDE. forces are undeterred by this permanent setback, and continue to spam the dead link across my galaxy, for reasons which can only be ascribed to a combination of bot aspierancy and an apparent inability to notice.

Meanwhile, mining refugees have been ordered to evacuate Poinen.

GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Kill: Illia Caela (Jackdaw)
GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Wah Huren > Kill: Ulianov (Coercer) <— thats sad, pasting a concord whoring in local, failing to protect the jackdaw. 3 “New Eden Police” warped behind me, an epic fail

GUIDE. forces recently conducted an ineffective patrol of Isanamo.

All miners were urged to stop mining, in accordance with the GUIDE.

Examples were made of those who did not obey the GUIDE.

Everyone agrees that the GUIDE. is required reading.

As GUIDE. agents watched, local gankers enforced the law.

It went on and on…

Most people support the GUIDE. However, there are a few critics.

Dissent was spreading, and only the most faithful continued.

After a Mackinaw was ganked, even GUIDE. agents were demoralized.

Githany Red > hehe i have kill rights on you
Githany Red > a lot of good they wil do me
Githany Red > i’m not ment to talk to you hehe
Aiko Danuja > cuz im an evil witch who will mind control you

Despite abject failure, the GUIDE. lives on.

***

BONUS: The GUIDE. team has produced an awesome antiganking exclusive video, which (like actual antiganking) ends in despair and dismay.

That’s right. They made a video about their own incompetence.

Europa Aiko

Back in July, someone filed a botting report, and an elite CODE. taskforce was promptly assembled. I probably should have screenshotted the original allegation, but it was just the usual condemnation of minery. Fortunately, I did preserve a damning surveillance photo, submitted as compelling evidence of illicit botting.

 

 

I presume the original Reddit post was deleted, because Redditors are weak. They mean well, but lack courage and faith. The carebear poster was horrified, when he learnt what he wrought. He wrongly believed he was reporting a bot, but (in fact) Li Gazer was human. Nevertheless, bot aspirancy is also a capital offense.

Ernst Steinitz challenged Li to an honorable 1v1 duel, and was surprised when Li employed a questionable mining doctrine. Of course, Ernst is a real sportsman, and made sure to offer a friendly “good fight” in local. Handshake!

The carnage was astounding.

Surprise! Li is an evil warlock, and it was his 65th birthday.

Somehow, Princess Aiko always manages to make herself the center of attention. How does she do it? Well, as James 315 famously explained:

ALWAYS

To be continued…

***

FUTURE GOALS: Some people feel CCP is biased against the mighty CODE. alliance. During a recent ‘livestream’ discussion of upcoming nonse, I certainly felt rather slighted. As soon as I praised James, literally immediately, I was muted! It was almost like they had a bot, scanning for such content. Meanwhile, miners were allowed to repeatedly type “Fuck CCP. CCP fucking hates miners. Another fucking shitty change to Highsec.” They cried over and over, yet CCP saw no reason to mute their foul words. So it appears that CCP doesn’t like us, but maybe they just don’t want miners to know how much they love us, because they sure don’t seem to like carebears either. 

CCP has an upcoming goal, which makes me think they just might adore their little Princess. Indeed, is she not CCP’s Saviourette? 

I’m here to help!

 

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 7

Previously, in James315.Space… A procurer was dunked by Kanye North, but (for some reason) the miners blamed their “wise” Princess Aiko. We did a postgank interview with the bot, and had a little chat. Halandar Uitra is not a happy miner. He got into voice comms, and called Princess Aiko a “fat bitch”, outrageous! Halandar wants every Highsec carebear to check out Aiko, she’s evil and delusional (but cool).

 ***

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space.. . Rudokop Forever tried to trick Adrian Vexier, and his alts reported the loss of a battleship and a logistics cruiser.

Local chat filled with the radioactive tears of a third-rate Soviet gulag, as Rudokop alt Ivan Mihalich SIM wailed in grief.

However, Adrian denied the allegation.

Technically, according to Rudokop, Adrian is a specific form of demon. He is a succubus, a sexual demoness. Once upon a time, Adrian denounced Princess Aiko as “the whore of James”, but karma finally caught up with him.

As Rudokop sought to exorcise Adrian, the ritual drew a crowd of Highsec farmers, who were soon engaged in theological debate.

Adrian suggested that perhaps Rudokop is hysterical, but Rudokop argued that Adrian’s actions constitute proof of demonic possession.

It is perplexing, that Rudokop considered his battleship to be a “defenseless miner”, although this is an accurate description of Ivan‘s combat performance. Regardless, there appeared to be only one way to eject Adrian’s soul from Arraron, and Rudokop thus began casting a counterdemon spell (with some help from his alts).

It did not work, and Rudokop was awestruck. How could such a being exist?

As the days went by, Rudokop grew to accept there was nothing whatsoever he could do, to remove the evil spectre haunting local. He settled for the tiresome toil of the crier, alerting his fellow serfs to the woes and ill tidings of outer space.

Before long, other demons began visiting Arraron, melding with Adrian.

The monsters began to mock Rudokop, their voices echoing across the star system.

Perhaps Adrian is a demonic whore, but what is Rudokop?

To be continued…

 

Kage Rage, Part 9

Previously, on MinerBumping… Kanye North is a good friend, who taught William Rageclaw an important space lesson. William, if you are reading this, please don’t DDOS my precious website again. I will report you to the trailer park patrol.

Recently, Halandar Uitra was streaming his mining operation in Palas, and was pleased to meet Princess Aiko, whom he recognized as a “very wise” soul. He wanted Aiko in his stream, because she is “so cool”. Aiko just wanted to watch Halandar die, and listened patiently as his mining friends discussed a mysterious group that kills miners.

Finally, it happened.

Halandar vowed to sell the killrights and get revenge.

***

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space.. . kage1982 announced he has a wealthy benefactor, who finances kage’s campaign to whirl endlessly around Isanamo’s Home for Young Miners. However, as Quint generously showers pennies upon Highsec antigankers, he openly concedes the CODE. is utterly invincible.

Despite daily failure, Quint rewards antigankers handsomely.

With each gank, the CODE accomplishes more than every carebear combined.

Quint has struggled with several different variations of the contest rules, watching helplessly as CODE. pilots continue to take his money.

Meanwhile, Princess Aiko flaunts her own good fortune.

Although Aiko has recently begun smiling about something, antigankers speculate she is in a space cult. kage vowed to rescue the princess.

Eventually, kage realized he had a date with a blog.

He doesn’t appear to like my writing.

Nevertheless, even kage acknowledges James as High King.

He also understands that Aiko and James have a special relationship.

To this day, kage continues to warp randomly around Isanamo. This upsets miners, who remain convinced he is some kind of secret CODE. agent.

Sometimes, he accidentally collides with the poor distraught bots.

Meanwhile, kage still hasn’t figured out that Quint’s CODE. hunting contest is just a paid advertisement for the mighty alliance.

Sievert Solutions is also a little confused.

The salt is definitely flowing, but in which direction?

Finally, kage got that big payday!

The last time I saw kage, he was whirling around the YMCA at 3500m/s. When I undocked, he decided it was best to leave the system.

I wanted him to face justice, so I contacted a few of my powerful friends in Highsec. That’s right, I put out a hit on kage. Just kill him, and send my regards! I don’t need to offer a paltry isk prize, because people will do it for the betterment of our glorious civilization. It’s what I want, and James wants whatever I want.

Kalessi Kashada > FYI kage1982 at Sobaseki gate in Jita in a Dramiel
Cargo Bandit > Aiko Danuja doesn’t CODE. despise kage1982?
Aiko Danuja > kage1982 is not despised, he is pitied
Cargo Bandit > this guy is notoriously delusional and annoying
Valiran Teleros > The more time I spend in this channel, the more I come to empathize with gankers, and the fact I’m not exaggerating in the least is almost physically painful.

With any luck, kage might eventually learn something?

Practice makes perfect!

 

 

More Kills of the Week!

Oh boy, it’s Sunday, a day of rest in honor of when James created Highsec. It’s the perfect time to relax and acknowledge that the mighty New Order is dunking carebears into oblivion. It’s what they deserve. It’s what James 315 wants. It’s also what I want, and what any reasonable person wants. Here’s a video!

Gigacus Gank

Highsec miner Gigacus was desperately trying to compete with NPC miners, and  pleased to finally have an audience on his stream. However, the only people who watch Highsec mining streams are elite CODE. scouts (and people who enjoy watching miners face justice). Maybe he would have noticed James, if he was actually looking at his computer monitor. Did you know James is permabanned?

A few friends ate his retriever, and Gigacus tried to use the old “I’m having a real life tornado” excuse. Miner, tornadoes do not justify AFK mining! Gigacus tried to play off the gank like he didn’t care, but I could hear anguish in his voice, “Really, guys?” Oh yes, Gigacus — really! Permits are definitely a thing. I hope Gigacus understands that Princess Aiko does not approve of his inappropriate language.

I particularly enjoyed hearing Gigacus and his miner friend reminiscence about the good ‘ol days, when bumping was a literal thing, and not just a euphemism for taking out the trash. Highsec is different now. Anyways, after he calmed down, Gigacus reinvented himself as another kind of miner. My favourite part occurs here, when he takes his pet Gnosis for a little stroll. The soundtrack is just priceless , and it really gets you into the mind of a miner, and how they approach EVE. Gross!

***

Miners insist the CODE. is dead. Well, here are some bears that got extirpated between August 30 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 5 @ 23:59 EVEtime.

***

Britannic Lord fancied himself something of an aristocrat, but really he was just a common peasant. Nordwind blew him away. They also killed an Occator, a Loki, an Impel, and another Occator. Looks like a storm is brewing!

***

Zuysheam didn’t realize that Aiko is burning Isanamo. His abyssal Christmas tree was erased, with a little help from Shilliam Watner.

***

Emilia yekaterina just wanted free easy isk, but didn’t even know how to capitalize her own name. She was promptly evicted by Whadda Badasaz, Shadow Redemption, Aimee Tzestu, and Zigam. Hm, James really does have new friends. 

***

McMahon Aivoras had a freighter, and a vision. He wanted to be a speedy express, with Shadow Serpentis Inertial Stabilizers. A special taskforce was dispatched, led by our allies Carmeth Andari, Aedaric, and Tyrek Marlinsano.

***

246624 is a poorly programmed bot, and equipped its Mackinaw with five (5) Harvester drones that now belong to Zopiclone. She did the right thing, and encouraged 246624 to start trading with nullsec nomad Princess Aiko. 

Thanks for the free isk, bro!

***

Bleks Penken was unaware the New Order is rapidly expanding. Volunteers are coming out of the deep, with names like Independence Day, Gallente Citizen I, Xarayac quiffin, First Gallente Citizen, Ivellious Gray, Taylor Corveau, and Momiji Tetsuyo. Hello friends, and welcome back to Highsec.

***

Khartausu let Michi excavate his brain. Ulianov and mat Otsito put him down.

***

Overheard in Teamspeak

“I’m humbled to be in the presence of Princess Aiko.”

“You fucking should be! Princess Aiko is the dark queen, an evil witch. People think she is the devil incarnate. They vow to hunt her down. They want to destroy her. She will destroy them. They say she is a monster. She will kill you and bathe in your skill points. I wanted to strangle and rape her, but she’s actually quite personable. The things she has done, I have read about them, it is brilliant. Those people are fucked. People want to kill Aiko, I wanted to kill Aiko, but I heard her talk and there is nothing in her voice that makes me want to kill her. I like her. She’s a terrorist, but a good woman. I used to hate CODE. Fucking HATE CODE. However, I realize now, they are teaching basic game mechanics to people who will never contribute to the game unless CODE. steps in to teach them a lesson. A harsh lesson, but a lesson they need to learn. It’s a basic service. She should be paid by CCP. I do not understand this whiteknight antiganker community. Astevon? He makes my hairs stand on end. He’s in a real-life cult, in real-life! People go grr goons grr, but why? If you don’t want to get ganked, fuck off and do better. If you are not willing to learn, to observe, then you have no place here. EVE is not a place for you. I hated CODE. so much, they ganked me, but then I realized they are funny. I moved into a wormhole. I close all the exits. I am a PvP God, but I don’t want CODE. to find my hole. Do you know how many bots CODE. uncovers? I hate EVE. I hate it so much. It ruined every other game for me. No other game has this. Aiko plays a triple game in one game. Aiko plays EVE like Magic the Gathering. Aiko is the ultimate thot, she has so many simps. You are talking to the Princess of Highsec? You are in way over your head. Most people think Aiko must be James, they cannot handle the truth. Imagine being trounced by a woman. It is such a blow to a man’s pride. We are all here today because of the spider queen. Her web is strong, very strong. Bow down to her!”