My Business

My business is Highsec business, and I mean business.

When I discovered Tathar mining in an 0.9, I was absolutely disgusted. He’s been playing since 2011, and mining in an 0.9!

I finally got his attention.

He was ashamed. However, when asked to purchase a mining permit, Tather began to extort me. He threatened to quit, unless he could mine for free!

Meanwhile, he worried I might shoot his ship (again).

Perhaps I might give it back, if he obeys the law?

Tathar wanted his ship, but he didn’t like having to pay for it. He just wanted to relax, and make isk while doing something else.

We had a little debate about governance and property rights.

I had to exert my authority.

He prophesied that EVE is dying, and it is Aiko, Destroyer of Miners, who will be the ultimate undoing of the AFK caste.

I tried one last time to be reasonable.

Some people say I’m a beeutiful witch. Bzzbzz.

That’s right. I’m a wasp.

Pay me.

It works like a charm.

It’s not roleplay.

This is serious space business.

lowsec outreach

As part of our lowsec outreach programme, we are removing Gallente terrorists from former Caldari space. Dodixie democracy is a scam, and ‘their’ stars are rightfully administered by my loyal vassal, the Caldari State.

During the Siege of Fliet, Gallente crabs were evicted by the New Order.

Subsequently, the dead pirate Sheltark Sykari decided it would be ok to pad his Caldari killboard, by whoring on gank catalysts in Uedama. This is a good time to remember that our claim in Uedama is real, unlike the claims of faction warfare roleplayers. I consulted with Dolphin Don, and we agreed it was time.

Don began clearing the gate, removing Sheltark’s morale support barge, piloted by fellow streamer evan mclean (aka Kalle Almighty). Subsequently, we were approached by a frog, Fjun Saraki. Since he was at war with Sheltark, Fjun offered assistance. However, we soon noticed something wrong with Fjun.

Aiko Danuja > the issue is Sheltark will just jump gate
Fjun Saraki > but once he jumps other side is where i want him
Aiko Danuja > can u catch his frigate?
Fjun Saraki > my bc locks slow right?
Aiko Danuja > yep
Fjun Saraki > if i shoot him hes a legal target for me cause im gallente militia
Aiko Danuja > i know this
Fjun Saraki > but then that means im suspect right?

Like most frogs, Fjun was incompetent. Meanwhile, on Sheltark’s stream, we observed Fjun sending salty messages.

I wasn’t sure who to bump first. Neither miner had a mining permit, so how should I prioritize? Naturally, I consulted the Code, which I personally wrote (and loaned to James 315, back in 2012), “I will occasionally have more than one miner whom I could bump. So how should I prioritize? Those who violate the Code will be at increased risk.” With this in mind, I constructed a target priority matrix.

It was close, but the matrix designated Fjun as our target.

It thus came to pass, that Safety agents rescued an antiganker, whilst the antiganker was busily crafting himself another medal.

Sheltark was the happiest ag in the history of Uedama.

Afterward, I updated my tactical matrix.

It was clear what must be done.

Victory!

tanktheface

tanktheface lost his Iteron, and a Caracal.

He didn’t care.

He enjoyed full SRP, after losing someone else’s ship.

Despite not caring, tank vowed that someone else would extract revenge.

vault 4+2 (aka vault 6) was on the case!

tanktheface > the man it was knows has give me 50mil… and a new order
tanktheface > he on discord now…so mad
Aiko Danuja > He’s mad at himself for trusting you?
tanktheface > thats why i get the big isk

tank gloated, sending proof of the incoming attack.

Aiko was alarmed. What if 4+2 actually had a battlecruiser?

Furthermore, tank had killrights.

The situation was bleak.

Fortunately, his corporation subsidizes incompetence.

Now we own the Hammer of God.

What an astonishing turn of events!

4+2 is one salty taskforce.

Cordillia denied being a 4+2 agent.

She claimed we are liars, like Biden.

What’s wrong with Sleepy Joe?

Meanwhile, Cordillia (the Orca pilot) insisted that she isn’t a miner.

I think she might be the liar.

Regardless, she wasn’t very calm.

Why was she so angry?

Oh! I guess she is a miner.

Cordillia > You don’t know me, i Just returned to this game after 3 years of military duty in Afganistan. Now you want to tell me that I am a MINING Addicted person. WOW have you all fucking lost it
Whadda Badasaz > The issue here is not your service record, but your mining record.
Northbridge West > That went well over there, didn’t it?
Cordillia > REPORTED
Cordillia > your all safe at home
Cordillia > hiding under your bed
Cordillia > your so far ass whips to me

Golem Resurrected

Ann Mari found Safety… and the CODE.

Inpendius > James 315 can eat my filthy ass.
Ann Mari > This is a game
Inpendius > saviour my cock
Ann Mari > I mean this is mafia irl.
Inpendius > your code is meant to benefit the few at the expense of the weak masses. repugnant at best.
Ann Mari > Pay to win

Like many miners, she refused to buy a mining permit.

This would cost her.

Sargon Of Amerish > Ann Mari sounds like you could use a warm glass of milk.
Whadda Badasaz > She’s crying and attention seeking.
Sargon Of Amerish > poor thing
Ann Mari > I have brandy and ccoke lol.

Indeed, she began to annoy me.

Ann Mari > Can we at least agree that my boobs are better than Aiko Danuja ‘s?
Cute Gank > No
Sargon Of Amerish > yours are fake
Donatien Alphonse Francois > Aiko is a princess
Whadda Badasaz > Aiko is a feminist
Zynot Idama > im not objectifing Aiko Danuja
Ann Mari > I am a dirty miner
Zynot Idama > Ann Mari did you have to pay plex for your implants?

Fortunately, the Dolphins came to my rescue.

However, Ann wouldn’t shut up.

Ann Mari > I’m not buying into your lil mafia sccheme forget it, and fucck off
Ann Mari > Work, you lazy scum XDDDD
Ann Mari > This isn’tt socialism 101
Ann Mari > Check my boobs
Ann Mari > Have I said that reccently?
Ann Mari > I don;’t mine…. I rlly rlly don’t

I kicked her from Why Was I Ganked?, and she invited me to but hurt much.

Aiko Danuja > Look at you, all dressed up like a strumpet
Ann Mari > Aiko Danuja 2018.06.14
Ann Mari > I have been around for nearly 20 years
Aiko Danuja > Imagine how badly you have failed at EVE, that here you are, being talked down to by a 2018 player.
Ann Mari > nothing will ccome of this….

It was time to give her a lesson in Highsec 101.

Aiko Danuja > You aren’t even a wallet warrior, you are just a wallet miner.
Ann Mari > Need a new brandy and coke…. brb

She thought she was winning.

So she decided to embarrass me with an impromptu erotic fan-fic contest.

I’m a published professional writer, available for hire.

Ann Mari > So tell me more about the girl and the men that surround her? Where di you guys meet etc?
Whadda Badasaz > I met her at Fan Fest
Donatien Alphonse Francois > We met in Princess Aiko’s castle in Lichtenstein.
Whadda Badasaz > her dad is some bigwig in goonswarm
Ann Mari > For a good story, I’ll pay
MarshallTeagan > ok send 30 mil
Ann Mari > ok go

Marshall was the first winner, and Ann paid.

The alcohol was in charge.

Ann Mari > I want to get right to the dirty stuff that all you guys wanna do to this princess of yours…. Get it good
Whadda Badasaz > I’d like to hold her hand.
Ann Mari > hold hands? just kill yourself if that’s all you want to do with a blah blah blah priness…. voice like a … I forget… goddess? Jesus…. I’d expecct anal to be like the first stop

Dolphin Don was the next winner.

Donatien Alphonse Francois > Aiko moaned lustfully as the arachnid filled her up. It wasted no time in pounding its large member against her cervix. It hurt, but it was a pain filled with pleasure, and her body tensed as an orgasm hit her hard. The spider’s venom was some mix of hormones…

It was a terrible story, with a surprise ending involving a tentacle monster.

However, Ann liked it. She wanted more.

Ann Mari > Come on guys gimme real shhit. Tell everyone it’s fake…. Tell the real story, get paid, have deniability…..
Whadda Badasaz > i have a fake story about aiko
Whadda Badasaz > when i saw her at fanfest she was jumping up and down in her miniskirt, grinding against the mittani
Whadda Badasaz > I asked her to dance with me but i dont think she heard me or maybe she was ignoring me im not sure
Whadda Badasaz > his hands went around behind her and he pulled up her skirt and i could see she wasnt wearing anything underneath
Whadda Badasaz > later she got really drunk and i think they were snorting lines
Whadda Badasaz > i watched her giving a blowjob to james 315, and it was really hot, then i felt dizzy just thinking about it
Whadda Badasaz > I LIKE HER FEET
Ann Mari > fucck

Now this is the kind of stuff you won’t get from a MinerBumping post…

Ann felt sorry for poor Whadda.

She read the story, again and again, and each time Whadda received another royalty check.

Ann was so delighted to hear the truth about Aiko, she decided to reward everyone.

Whadda won the grand prize.

I looked at zkillboard and found a recently deceased Golem.

Some people say I’m a witch, and those people are right.

I put a spell on Ann, and brought that dead Golem back to life.

Ann celebrated her victory, having paid my alts to betray my darkest secrets.

The only thing left to do, was lose a freighter to some random pod that Aaaarrgg shot.

Zynot Idama > and nice boobs Ann Mari
Ann Mari > Thanks!!!!
Zynot Idama > np

Women love flattery.

Now that’s how you score!

When you hang out with me, ships just fall from the sky!

That’s how I roll!

Victory!

Kazry

I meet a lot of curious people.

Kazry > this is fucking relaly intresting to me
Kazry > i almost wish i was in college id write a paper on it
Aiko Danuja > ?
Kazry > wel i would try to figure out your hold, leaders generally have a hold on there people… there is the stereotypical strong man, take me for example
Kazry > but i ran with the bandidos for a number of years and old ladies are property not people

Kazry was confused by the idea of a strong woman.

Kazry > so i know alot about leaders from different spectrums of life
Kazry > see im a diagnosed bipolor major depressive cluster b type personality disorder. im very good a manipulation
Aiko Danuja > Are you manipulating me?
Kazry > i want the real answeer
Kazry > are you are attractive enough that you made the dudes that have a diffuclt time talking to females develop a crush, cuz a girl that knows her bussiness can lead a guy around by the nose for years with out putting out

He was fascinated by the idea.

Kazry was spellbound.

How did a sultry little minx seize control of Highsec?

He wanted a piece of the action.

Kazry > i wanted you opinion on what you think i could catch
Kazry > could i take a barge
Aiko Danuja > t2 catalyst should kill retriever
Kazry > nice thanks. going to teach those demons the benifits of paying
Kazry > Do i get a cut?

So I gave him his cut.

Kazry is now a changed man.

He tries to appear strong….

…but roleplays as a salty betamale.

Of course, he pretends to be chill.

Regardless, he likes me more than his own wife.

Silly Kazry.

He thinks we are like the mafia.

He thinks we are a cult.

Why would anyone worship a mere femoid?

How did a woman became so empowered?

Suddenly, he realized…

I’m the most beautiful woman in the galaxy…

…and I’m friends with his wife.

Another Day

Oh, hello there.

Yes, that’s right.

As General Secretary General, I meet a lot of fascinating people.

I listen to a lot of complaints.

I know what happens when miners don’t have a permit.

I know what happens when miners have a permit.

We are a blue ribbon tier organization.

I love the froth.

I love the isk.

I love the miners.

I love winning.

I love justice.

Recently, I was sent an irl photo of the Mittani’s whiteboard.

I’m the best!

Im Westen Nichts Neues

On the eastern front, our elite taskforce strikes against illegal PAPI freighters, off the coast of Beeitnamese Dumbkirk. Spaceborne Bu-87 Catalysts, the secret weapon of the New Order, surface from the depths of the abyss to obliterate hapless nullbears. We then sink beneath gravitational waves, awaiting the next convoy. As Mitt desires, the Gallente ice interdiction will continue indefinitely. No refunds.

The People’s Democratic Republic of Highsec has a special relationship with our renters in the Delve, and we have graciously offered assistance during their Sacred Reconquista. Best wishes to the Swarm, as they help Testbot refugees reach the Dronelands.

In the west, there is nothing new to report. Coach Subway continues to fail daily, and nobody is surprised by his bad attitude, atrocious singing, and infinite incompetence. Since Subway claims to be an elite Pro Guides coach, he was presumably delighted to find himself decced by Pro Guides Galactic Champions. Yes, that’s right. After all his contributions to CCP, Subway won a FREE wardec coaching session.

The war went well enough, but Pro Guides got bored after Subway abandoned his FreeEve movement. Yes, like Vily, he fled in disgrace. Of course, no actual human wants to waste time bashing a structure, when they could be updating Windows or staring at the wall. Consequently, the war ended in stalemate.

At this point, the plot twisted. One of Coach’s alts was promoted to CEO, and sought revenge, declaring war on the Galactic Champions. What? Why? Misclick? This was a challenge which could not be ignored, and the professionals went to work.

Afterward, Coach got a customized victory email.

He also received a FREE inspirational poster.

Don’t fuck with Dolphin Don.

The Battle of Piekura

It’s not easy being this awesome, looking this good, and writing a blog.

Women have to work twice as hard.

Recently, the miners hired a little defense fleet.

Isn’t that cute?

It was another antiganking victory!

Unfortunately, without a defense fleet, the miner didn’t survive.

Nor did the reinforcements.

It was time to get serious.

So they brought in their best man.

He brought his best ship.

Before long, Perseus got a hot tip.

It was a great victory.

Was it worth it?

You might hate me, but I know what you need.

See ya!

Congrats to GoonSwarm

It’s no secret.

Princess Aiko isn’t a good Goon, or even a greater Groon, although Highsec pubbies suspect otherwise. OHGOD.

It’s a nullsec post.

A long time ago, thanks to karttoon, GoonSwarm became Goonswarm. Some things changed, some stayed the same, and Aiko wondered about all of this. Occasionally, she would glance at a map, and think about the Delve. However, there was little time for fantasies, because the ice interdiction must continue until further notice.

Princess Aiko traveled about, encountering unsavory characters. She sold electron bombs to Olmeca, and shared her recipe for blueberry muffins with a TEST bot. She tried to have a human conversation with Matterall, and was blocked by that whore, Elise Randolph. Aiko wondered, who are the good guys? So she asked James 315 for standings, but he urged her to set aside prejudice, and save miners.

Gradually, Aiko began to reach a conclusion. Perhaps it began with Vily, the double trader, who published autistic demands. More moons, more ore, more freighters, more rats, more missions, more payouts, less ganking. Aiko didn’t like this manifesto. Subsequently, when the Mangos came to Highsec, Aiko watched with dismay. Each little Venture would soon hatch a dozen botting Rorquals. Meanwhile, she encountered a Goon ganker, and then another, and another, and another. Were these the good guys?

One terrible summer, James died, and the galaxy was thrown into a great war. Princess Aiko didn’t know what to do, but some people encouraged her to invade the Delve. An alliance with Vily? Holding hands with Elise? Olmeca was starting to seem a little weird, and Aiko didn’t have a positive impression of these bears. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. She killed a Venture, and began her own war.

Over the next year, Aiko learned that Uedama is real Delve, and the floodplain starts in Jita. She decided that Brisc isn’t that bad, and found herself laughing with Mittens, not at him. Meanwhile, he appreciated her, describing that racist piece of shit Manfred Sideous as the biggest fucking loser in the history of the galaxy. This was comforting, knowing that someone else is doomed to rank beneath Aiko. Who would want to help a racist fuck? Well, Highsec miners, that’s who. Some lost everything, and came back begging for ice. Aiko had no sympathy, for their fate is extirpation.

Ultimately, without Aiko, PAPI had no chance. They didn’t have any decent pilots, or leaders. They certainly didn’t have a princess. Instead of a perfect blog, they had RonUSMC. Understandably, their morale plummeted. PAPI scouts came within sight of the Kremlin, but their jump freighters ran out of fuel, and they never managed to cross the Volga. From Halaima, Aiko could hear desperate mewling from 1DQgrad, and she was amazed by the incompetence. When Lolmecalol (and Matterlol) accused the Mittani of being an alt-right literal IRL Nazi, Aiko carefully studied the evidence…

Aiko is glad she never lifted a finger to support the band of fools, unlike Dunk Dinkle, and smiled when she heard of the Great Retreat. A few minutes later, when Elf Boy announced the war was over, she laughed out loud. It’s obvious who lost, but losing takes time. When you jump off a cliff, you’ve got plenty of time to fall.

 TLDR: Vily bored his alliance to death.

Yikes!

Matterall said this was “inaccurate information” – lol!

Sulley convinced him that Vily was either doing a “cool strategic redeployment”, or this development was of “no strategic significance”. Matterall concluded that this was likely part of a “bold” PAPI “surprise”.

Matterall, you’ve lost all credibility.

Just wow.

He was so busy theorizing, he didn’t read his own chat.

#1

The following is a paid advertisement for the Mittani’s prestigious Princess Aiko Foundation.

Last year, CCP scammed everyone who invested in the bounty system. Miners spent billions of isk on me, James 315, and other esteemed members of the community. Subsequently, CCP removed the bounties, and they have not bothered to refund any of the payments. Fortunately, someone else has created a new bounty scam.

This new bounty system doesn’t change anything. The only people who can claim bounties are existing members of Pleb Force, and payouts are dependent upon the capricious whims of evildoers Githany and Wah. In other words, if you don’t like gankers, you can send isk to antigankers, and they will find a way to waste your money.

It thus came to pass, that none other than Princess Aiko, became the most wanted woman in the galaxy. I suppose it was always meant to be. Yes, by the way, Aiko actually is 7’9″ tall, and she dominates the WNBA.