I’m drunk (again)

Hey, everybody, it’s me – AikO! Hiya.

It’s hard to blog, and drink at the same time.

That’s right.

I’m just a silly girl, not a real man like James 315.

Here’s a funny thought.

The New Order belongs to me…

…and I know exactly how to proceed.

I’ll see you in Hek!

Just admit it, you love me.

You know what I want.

 

 

Proof of Concept, Part 3

Previously, in James 315 space… The mighty CODE. alliance imploded overnight, catching antigankers, carebears, James 315, and Matterall completely off guard.

Subsequently, Princess Aiko declared victory. Highsec is now a safe space.

However, Aiti Jen Ichinumi had doubts.

When Aiko offered to sell Aiti a ‘safety pass’ for the low price of just 10 100 million isk, Aiti launched into a familiar diatribe against James. Who is that?

Aiti likes nice gankers, not mean space bully griefers.

He was delighted to learn of Aiko’s glorious victory over the CODE.

Like it or not, Aiko seems to be a natural communicator.

She sure knows how to make a man feel safe.

Safe for everyone, including Aiko’s antiganking friends.

It sure is nice to be friends with Aiko.

What a special little lady.

She’s the best.

Hail Aiko!

 

 

 

 

 

Proof of Concept

Miners are super confused.

Hey, I love to help.

I am the most nicest girl in the galaxy.

Totes deserve my own alliance.

Like, I’m so gonna win….


…and I’m bringing all my friends with me.

To be continued…

 

The Secret Speech

Apparently, I’m the legendary heroin who finally brought it down. Antigankers couldn’t do it, and only the Code has the power to defeat the CODE.

We aren’t getting a divorce, because I’m a space Catholic, but we’ve moved into opposite sides of the house and are dividing assets. James will retain his inactive membership, and I’ll take the future.  Of course, if you want to join New Order Logistics, you can still roleplay in the theme park. However, the rest of the alliance is hereby dissolved.

This is happening. It is done.

I tried my best to keep the alliance together, but James (in his infinite wisdom) has decided to trigger an irreparable failure cascade. I won’t even pretend to praise this judgment, and I must instead acknowledge reality. It’s time for some real talk. 

James 315 has never been to outerspace. Neither have I. It’s important (always!) to recognize the fundamental difference between the game and reality. For example, in real-life, I am a Princess and my daddy’s lawyers can destroy your whole family. However, in-game, I sometimes have to deal with common plebs. In the same way, James is a great guy in real-life, but neither perfect nor divine in a video game.

James is the Saviour of Highsec, that is true. He saved it for ME. Thanks James!

He understands the people need something he can’t provide.

I know gankbears are angry at me, but everyone else is in agreement, a course correction is necessary. James also agrees with me. He despises idle sycophants who endlessly praise him without merit. He is disgusted by AFK non-undocking carebear roleplayers. He is sorely disappointed by his most devout followers. 

The cult of personality was a powerful tool, and James used the doctrine of infallibility to ensure success. However, propaganda inevitably undermines internal decision making policies. We must end this madness.

Isolated in his bubble, James drifted away from reality. We shouldn’t cast judgment here, and no disrespect is intended, but dictatorships fail for precisely this reason. He was a strong independent man, but he spent a little too much time secluded in his dacha. I will let Nikita Khruschev explain the situation:

While ascribing great importance to the role of the leaders and organizers of the masses, Lenin stigmatized every manifestation of the cult of the individual. Stalin acted not through persuasion, explanation, and patient cooperation with people, but by imposing his concepts and demanding absolute submission to his opinion. Whoever opposed this was doomed.

We must first of all show everyone what harm this caused to the interests of our party. There is no more bitter misery than to sit in the jail of a government for which we have always fought. We have to analyze this matter carefully because it has a tremendous significance, not only from the historical but especially from the political, educational, and practical point of view…

Stalin doubtless performed great services to the party. However, he was excessively extolled. Our historical victories were attained thanks to the organizational work of the party, and to the self-sacrificing work of our great people. They are not at all the fruit of the leadership of Stalin. Can we deny this? 

Many (many) crimes were committed in the name of James, as his absent leadership allowed corrupt roleplay bureaucrats to undermine the alliance. Competent and highly esteemed gankers, such as Alt 00, were brutally persecuted. Meanwhile, antigankers (and even miners) were allowed to walk free, protected by those who would loudly praise James. This is unacceptable. Enough is enough.

With all due respect to James 315, we cannot and will not maintain a successful alliance based upon the cult adulation of an individual who no longer plays the game. We will not allow our alliance to be mismanaged, like an AFK Orca on autopilot. We like James, and we love James, but he is gone. We are a glorious democratic people’s republic,  and the shareholders have now elected me to represent you. This is neither what I wanted, nor what I expected, but I am happy to serve the people.

James, call me, you owe me $20.

Princess Daniel

In a galaxy full of men, it’s natural to wonder whether Princess Aiko is actually a beautiful young lady in real-life. Is she really the heir to Ibiza? Did her daddy truly buy her a penthouse in the Perimeter keepstar?

emperor 003 came to my Why Was I Ganked? channel with shocking news. Princess Aiko is actually some guy called Daniel, who lives in Chicago.

Some miners began to doubt Aiko is even a teenager.

Still others were intrigued by ‘Daniel’.

Emperor really doesn’t like Chicago.

He also doesn’t like the number 315. He prefers 003.

CODE. is nothing more than a Chicago numbers racket.

After 003 weeks of investigation, emperor discovered the ‘truth’.

Everyone was impressed, and wanted to see if emperor could find them as well.

PLOT TWIST: emperor never actually did any research or investigation.

His credibility began to plummet.

I did a Google search, and ‘Daniel’ doesn’t seem to actually exist. I’ve redacted the surname, on the off chance CCP bans me, but I don’t think this is a real person. Indeed, Daniel later denied that he ever included a surname.

Daniel realized that I was investigating his investigation.

He clearly hadn’t done his homework.

emperor claimed that Princess Aiko doesn’t exist, but actually Daniel doesn’t exist.

Inconceivable! The coup attempt failed.

Princess Aiko was once again hailed as a true lady of Agil.

As for emperor003, it turns out he isn’t even an emperor. 

 

 

Antilor is Quitting EVE

Recently, Antilor Ornulf lost a Covetor.

Antilor is not a loser. In time honoured EVE tradition, he becomes a ‘winner’ by the mere fact that he gave up and quit at the first hint of difficulty.

Antilor wrote CCP to thank those who helped him achieve ‘victory’.

In my experience, the majority of ships are fitted in such a way, that the cost of ganking is higher than the value of any loot. Ganking can be profitable, but it’s not profitable to gank indiscriminately. Nevertheless, other than making it financially unsustainable, requiring most ganks to involve multiple people, and providing an insurance program to subsidize miners, CCP has done nothing to disincentive ganking.

Antilor warned CCP that some people use multiple accounts, a shocking claim.

If only CCP would think of the miners, and pod empty ganker capsules.

Antilor wanted to give credit where it is due. In particular, he really likes the sense of satisfaction from selling a killright, and knowing that gankers live in fear. However, he wondered if more should be done. Perhaps CCP should consider adding some sort of ‘faction police’ to the game, so that gankers can’t just loiter in space? Alas, he lamented, CCP just wants people to PvP in a PvP game.

Some people just want to experience the empire building aspect of EVE, without any kind of meaningful PvP. You know, like Farmville.

Antilor concluded by doxxing himself to the very gankers he despised.

Ash Styles provided Tim some helpful tips on how to properly quit EVE.

Antilor was outraged, demanding an Obama style apology tour. However, Ash doubled down on righteousness, and told Antilor exactly what’s up.

I am waiting for Antilor to send me his stuff.

 

 

We are killing it!

Every now and again, as the official Saviourette of the New Order, and High Queen Regent of Highsec, Princess Aiko wonders whether she is a good girl. Are we truly helping these poor miners, or are we just destroying their last barge, after they’ve already lost everything in real-life? Is it cruel to put them out of their misery?

Most carebears live in a nightmarish post-Soviet apocalyptic wasteland, where lights are constantly flickering, and they can barely stay logged in long enough to complete a single mining cycle. Is it wrong to euthanize them?

Of course, I am the heroin of Highsec. However, a few crabs believe I am evil, in real-life. They even use real-life cellphones to warn each other.

Most people see me as a fun sexy James 315, wearing a tiara whilst clubbing in Monaco. They watch me take shots of cranberry vodka, and adore my tight leather miniskirts. However, some conspiracy theorists claim that Aiko is a witch, spreading darkness throughout the galaxy. She might be cute, but she’s evil!

Yes, Aiko is a Princess, but she’s also one of those southern Italian stregas. A goomah with a villa in Naples, who goes on ‘business trips’ to Albania.

It’s ok to extort newbros in nullsec, but to do it in Highsec? Santo cielo!

Over on Facebook, there’s a lot of concern about what is happening. What will we do if all the Highsec miners quit, because of mean space bullies?

Apparently, we are killing it!

This is how it happens. An AFK miner returned to their computer, and realized they don’t enjoy EVE. Just like that, CCP lost another free to play ‘customer’.

It was one of those melodramatic Shakespearean deaths, where Fiona lingered on stage, slowly dying amidst the mockery of the audience.

Goodbye, Fiona. Thank you for your mining service.

I’m a winner!

Ciao!

 

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 91

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously in James 315 Space… Goonswarm has a new FC, the High Lord Sky Marshal avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka ‘lil Mittens, aka James 315 2.0, aka He Who Knocks Upon Stars. avia recently transcended space, time, and basic mechanics, learning to master the ultimate power of the galaxy. Rat bombs and rweaking ballquals exploded across nullsec, as avia developed increasingly powerful supperweapons, becoming the first capsuleer in history to proclaim himself Queen of the Rats.

Unfortunately, the power of a rat queen is too awesome to behold, and avia forbid Goonswarm to ever use this weapon of sheer terror and infinite destruction. Even if all of Delve were lost to the Horde, and the Horn of Gondor shattered asunder, only a fool would dare to summon the dread Leviathan Cthulhu.

Now that he possesssed infinite power, avia resumed taunting Pandemic Horde from the MinerBumping.com blog comments. As avia knew, MinerBumping was the center of the Imperium, and an ideal place to humiliate his enemies.

Pandemic Horde spies worked overtime to try and mislead avia, pretending that there was no war at all. However, the truth is now plain as day.

avia gloated over his foolish adversaries, revealing that the entire war has been just a mere training exercise for the Imperial Navy.

As Pandemic Horde writhed in misery, caught in avia’s web of training skank traps, he dutifully made another payment to fund the mighty swarm.

Now that bills were paid, it was time to issue new orders.

AGBee 001 was directed to make a leap frog attack. Meanwhile, lanceing fleet caused chaos, and cloaky wolves permanently blocked the road to Jita. In the rear, a line of rorquals firmly blocked Pandemic counterattacks.

With their frontline torn asunder, Pandemic Horde was sorely unprepared for phase II of the operation. Sleeper agents, hidden inside the Horde for years, suddenly awoke and volunteered for guard duty. These spies let dancing fleet slip deeper inside Horde’s inner nest, triggering awestruck confusion wherever they might cast their allure. In turn, this provided cover for logistics spies, who systematically photographed schedules, and placed grenades into the very cogs of Pandemic industry.

However, could avia survive a harsh Antarctic winter?

To be continued…

***

BONUS VIDEOS: Have you ever wondered what Ventures do after they get podded? Where do they go, what do they think about? Fortunately, McDubbzyTTV was streaming his own afterlife. Is this the start of a war?

 

 

 

 

kalo loses a Venture

Listening to: Melodic Techno Mix

Previously in James 315 Space… kalo kohan lost a Venture.

Afterwards, he got a letter.

kalo got beat by a girl!

He knows exactly what women need.

At first, kalo tried to reason with her.

Then he became angry.

That stupid girl!

Where is her man?

kalo struggled to express himself in any known language.

He just wants to see me again.

kalo feels so confused.

His feelings defy logic.

She seems to really like him…

…and kato is a waiting.

He loves his prinsesa.

What is he saying?

Surely, a true Princess would understand him?

What a wonderful lady!

I don’t think we need to translate that one.

Men!

I know they like me.

“Yet I urge you to be kind.”

Aw, he’s in love!

Isn’t that cute?

I know what he needs.

He needs me!

I hope he finds a nice mining girl.

 

Welcome to EVE

I’m not really sure how Vashda became stuck in my web, but I was summoned to Twitch, and found him reading with gusto.

Vashda seems to appreciate Princess Aiko.

 

He was impressed by my resume…

 

…and acknowledges the New Order as EVE Online’s most elite guild.

He sincerely values our glorious culture.

He understands our sassy attitude.

Vashda knows exactly what Princess Aiko wants.

Check out his stream, where he intends to continue livestreaming the blog.

They claim that we grief newbros, but with just one day in EVE, Vashda was proud to accept an offer to join my glorious alliance. I’m quite happy to save him from boredom, and once you go CODE, there is no other road.

I’m the best recruiter in CODE. history.

Meanwhile, my Why Was I Ganked? channel remains the galactic epicentre.

It’s a great place to make friends and practice typing.

Some miners struggle to make a good first impression.

Many of them are just happy to meet a nice Lady.

They are often surprised to die in Highsec.

Of course, I’m super scared of lowsec.

Just kidding, it’s a lot easier without CONCORD interference.

Sir Jecht was PvP’d before he even reached lowsec.

***

=BREAKING NEWS=

Purgo has announced another glorious victory. This esteemed agent of the New Order is the first person in history to confiscate an illegal sanguine harvester. These are so new, that killboard doesn’t even have a picture for them. It reminds me of how I was the first person to gank a Thunderchild. Regardless, CCP can feel free to continue adding pointless garbage, and we will take out the trash.