The Best Revenge, Part 88

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Persona Avia Naali, aka Mittens 2.0a, aka Aiva Naali, aka Lord Anarky, aka the Gewnfuehrer, was safe and sound within Goonswarm Federation’s climate controlled quarantine bunker. Here, he outlined a new fleet doctrine, as Princess Aiko patiently took notes.

The class 2u trap appears to be an attractive young miner, but like a Q-ship from the First World War, it can quickly online hidden armaments. Meanwhile, class 1b general balance counter ganking vessels (GBCGV) offer a discrete middle ground between pure trap and actual mining ship. class 1b fits are custom designed for special ops, featuring blingy fits, disqualifying them for SRP. Indeed, GBCGVs represent the cutting edge of doctrine, efficient for both mining and combat. In conjunction with the top secret project dog box, Goon FCs have tools which can be adapted for any situation. With a roadmap to victory, it is up to fitting teams to finalize specific details.

As we now know, Agent Anvil, aka the Kingpin, humiliated TEST, via the infamous fleet dance. Several members of Goonswarm have experience in marching band, working night and day to coriogrife a spectacular show which caught TEST scouts by surprise. The dinosaurs watched with awe and amazement, as red triangles formed hypnotic patterns. All of this was mere distraction, as Avia the Magician snuck an entire battlefleet deep into TEST. Vily cried foul, and indeed it was another ‘first’ in EVE history. However, believe it or not, when avia initially devised these strategies, there was little fanfare.

Princess Aiko was overwhelmed by avia’s brilliance, and didn’t know how to respond. Of course, she conveyed avia’s orders to James 315 and the Mittani, but when avia paused  — there was silence. aiva might have felt like Sun Tzu, trying to teach the concubines, and wondering whether any would understand. Finally, avia addressed the Princess directly. Could she assemble the dirty dozen, a team of hardcore PvP specialists, the worst of the worst, who would lead assault fleet toward a glorious victory?

She responded, and avia understood the Swarm would obey his orders unconditionally, no matter the cost. As the fleet dance unfolded in beautiful splendour, the assault fleet penetrated deep into Vily’s soft blonde underbelly.

The dirty dozen could expect heavy losses, and many bees would die horrifically once Vily’s dinosaurs realized the fleet dance was a shameless trap, but these losses would only sharpen the Swarm and ensure strategic victory.

It was all about numbers, and the Suppercomputer done did the math.

Unfortunately, he accidentally sent PLEX to Dolphin Don, who failed to win election by proxy as Saviour of Highsec. Princess Aiko narrowed her eyes, confronting Don with a shrill tone, and an evil glint which would brook no defiance. Don meekly complied, acknowledging the new political reality of the New Order. Yea, and verily did James see what had been done, and he knew the succession is secure. 

To be continued…

 

Pay Your Rent

Every now and again, a new returning player will come to EVE, and they will decide to be a whale. They pay CCP a bunch of money, and CCP is happy to accept, because they know the New Order is here to balance the budget.

When James 315 made me the official executor of the mighty CODE. alliance, passing mechanical control into my dainty palms, he had one request, “Kill the miners. Kill them all. I don’t care if they are a two-day old noob Venture, or a Marshal, I want you to burn them out and utterly destroy them. That is my Will, and you are my little Sword of Restoration.” Well, I didn’t feel my dizzy self was up to it, but when the Supreme Protector gives you a direct order, you don’t sit around questioning His wisdom!

I was in a tizzy, unsure how to proceed, but people like Cargo Bandit heard my siren’s cry. They materialized out of abyssal space, ready and able to enforce the CODE. One glance at pokoko, and Cargo knew what to do.

It’s not easy dealing with miners. They lie, cheat, and try to scam us at every opportunity. pokoko didn’t want to pay 20 billion isk for her mining permit, even though it was offered at a fair and reasonable market rate.

pokoko joined my invincible Why Was I Ganked? channel, watching with uncertainty, wondering if permits and rental contracts are actually a valid part of EVE gameplay. However, as Blake McAllister of the honorable New Order Mining Authority conducted business, pokoko could see this is all routine. Unfortunately, pokoko is a tight-fisted Scrooge, and she roleplayed as a despicable poor.

Cargo knows how much I love the miners, just as James always did, and she mercifully offered a generous discount rate.

pokoko decided to play hardball, but Cargo offered a clear warning.

This got pokoko thinking. Maybe citizenship is desirable?

A valid CODE. mining permit guarantees safety in nullsec, lowsec, and jsec, and it also ensures absolute immunity across the entirety of Highsec!

pokoko could see the New Order is bustling, and the clock was ticking…

To be continued…

***

BONUS: The Saviour of Highsec is now a sexy Saviourette, and everyone has been wanting to show their unconditional love and support. Minerbitch thought long and hard, concluding that you should add SIMP 4 AIKO emojis to your Discord server. For one billion isk, you can have your very own submission tag.

After reviewing around one hundred variants, I finally settled upon my personal preference, which has a nice outline.

I like the attention. It makes James jealous.

Europa Aiko, Part 2

Listening to: Sundown

Europe Aiko, Part 1

I feel like the galaxy revolves around me. My mom says I’m just a spoiled brat. The therapist says I’m a narcissistic sociopath, with underlying psychopathies. The grumpy bears claim that I’m a lawful evil space bully, and the police insist that I’m no longer allowed to dollar double at Wal-Mart. However, Li Gazer could tell that I’m a true Princess, a verified Lady of Agil. Li01 Gazer also saw the good in me, and so did Li02 Gazer, Li03 Gazer, Li04 Gazer, Li05 Gazer, Li06 Gazer, Li07 Gazer, Li08 Gazer, Li09 Gazer, Li10, Li10 Gazer, Li11 Gazer, CoverAgent, and MiFreightergirl.

We threw a surprise 65th birthday party for Li, a real-life Wiccan warlock, and leader of the all-star Mining Witches for World Peace. It was a lot of fun.

At first, MiFreightergirl thought we forgot about Li’s birthday.

Consequently, our initial encounter was a little awkward…

… nothing that couldn’t be resolved by a friendly chat.

All the space lawyers agree. This is required, by law.

Mi eventually calmed down.

So we got Li & the Mining Witches into Teamspeak.

At first, Li tried to scam us.

However, we soon developed an understanding.

I’m a nice girl, a Princess actually, in real-life. When I gave him Daddy’s phone number, Li consulted Google, and confirmed that I definitely am heir apparent to Savoia and the entire Hapsburg realm. I already knew this, of course, but Li was pleasantly surprised to meet a real-life Lady. His tone and demeanor immediately changed, after Lisa Tears described all the charity work that I support with my prestigious Oxford Fund. For the first time, Li understood the awesome power of the CODE.

Li was no longer a bitter old man, swearing and cursing. Instead, he was transformed, and felt young again. I naturally sang the Happy Birthday song, and then Li enjoyed some traditional karaoke, gleefully singing Bombs over Baghdad and about fifty-five other songs. I’m pretty sure he was drinking, as he began openly fantasizing about a beautiful woman who plays EVE naked, wearing only a tiara. My goodness! He really seemed to like the idea, almost as much as he liked the idea of multiboxing rorquals.

There was magic in the air, as Li held an official Wiccan séance. He cast a white spell of invulnerability upon me, solemnly summoning the magnets of the north, east, south, and west. Everyone witnessed Aiko become invincible, and thus it was time to transfer everything to James 315, because that’s how these things are done.

James 315 is the most trustworthy man in EVE.

Li was having a great time, headed straight to the Delve. On the way, he needed to make a quick stop at Aiko’s Tranquility Trading Tower, located in beautiful Perimeter. Li was duly impressed, when he saw my private space station.

It took a while, but each and every Li had their moment of glory.

One by one, they enlisted in the mighty Goonswarm Federation.

Even MiFreightergirl agreed to go ‘over there’.

In a game like EVE, friendship is truly overpowered.

As I played my lute, the Libots hopped into a biomass grinder.

On a whim, Li sold his soul, for a new Rorqual main.

I’ll see you in 1DQ, friend.

***

Dumb miner, you better take care
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
You can see me lyin back in my satin dress

In a room where I do what ya don’t believe

When I get feelin better, when I’m feelin no pain
When I feel like I’m winnin, and I’m winnin again
I’ve been lookin like a queen in a carebear dream

I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in my lovin is your first mistake
And I don’t always say what I really mean

I’m a hard lovin woman, and I’m feelin mean
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
Sometimes, I think it’s a shame
Sometimes, I think it’s a sin

***

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 9

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space… Adrian Vexier upset Soviet goblok Rudokop Forever, who sent an alt to discretely warn Adrian’s alts.

Sim Gallent aspired to bothood.

What happened?

Everyone agreed, this was for the best…

…despite objections from Rudokop.

Alas, the Jamespocalypse fell upon Arraron, and Rudokop feared that ghastly creatures from EVE Online were spreading evil in reality. He finally understood who was bumping his Orca, it was none other than Erotica 1, the Devil himself!

Rudokop may be a Soviet miner, but he is also a pious orthodox Christian.

Or maybe, he is just a salty roleplayer?

Regardless, Adrian wanted him to be a happy miner.

Alas, Rudokop is perpetually upset.

Adrian just can’t stop winning.

Rudokop just can’t stop whining.

He will cry forever.

To be continued…

 

Moving On

Some people believe the CODE. alliance died years ago, when James 315 was permabanned. Others believe it died a few months ago, at the very moment James passed on. Still others believe it was dead from the start. However, readers of the blog know divine truth: James is far more powerful dead than alive. It also benefits me, so I’ll allow it.

Miners and plebs fixate upon the ‘Great War’, as my tributaries quarrel over the Delve, but they fail to understand this conflict began in Halaima (a peaceful mining system, near Jita). A true Princess never forgets.

Like, whatever!

Lewak began preaching a strange heresy. According to Lewakites, multiboxing is an evil sin, and Omega accounts are terribly unfair to poor alphas. All implants, no matter the type or purpose, are absolutely verboten. Meanwhile, Lewak glorified implanted multiboxing antigankers, who ‘enforce’ the CODE. upon the CODE. Lewak even began failganking on scouts, claiming that real gankers never use combat probes. We had a little disagreement, so I discussed this with Loyal, Globby, Tweeps, and Holdmybeer. They all asked the same question. “Who is Lewak?” Something had to be done, before the alliance was reduced to nothing but weird roleplayers! Praise James! 07

Actually, yes, I just might…

Fighting spread across Lonetrek, with fierce combat in Isanamo. Here, disgusting heretics were besieged inside an abandoned Nurtura warehouse, desperately scrounging for scraps of biomass and stale soylent wafers. Meanwhile, descending from Moon 21, spaceborne Khanid flametroopers rained hellfire upon their enemies. Neutron blasts scoured cities, as machine guns splattered bullets down narrow streets. The CODE. Civil War truely happened, and this permanently shifted the galactic balance of power.

 My, what a difference a year makes.

So, where do we go from here? 

Our vassals can squabble, but we’ve got business in Highsec, and the Summer Hole War is over. We know what to do, and our friends support us. We will simply apply a new litmus test, and this will root out all the closet bears.

PRAISE PRINCESS AIKO, SAVIOURETTE OF HIGHSEC,
AND HOLY EMPRESS OF CODE.

(pro tip: listen to the above on a permanent loop)

I recently discovered Lewak’s new mining alt corp, and confronted him her about his mining habit. Only someone with the honest integrity of a true Princess can defeat such treasonous minery. Indeed, she confessed to his illegal crimes, and (after praising me) was duly punished according to the laws of the Halaima Halama.

BEHOLD THE CONFESSION OF THE MINING TRAITOR

That’s right. Miners are liars. Always!

What a crab!

Rudokop Forever, Part 8

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously in James315.space… Adrian Vexier was seduced by the spider witch of Highsec. Consequently, he forsaked the antiganking community, transmorphing into a Russian hunting demon. Of course, the New Order logs and records absolutely everything (always), and there is naturally a video of the time that Rudokop Forever‘s alt SIM Gallent tried to trick Adrian. As faithful readers know, this didn’t work.

Afterward, Rudokop sulked, humiliated before a coven of demons.

He had faith, vengeance would come in the afterlife.

Local miners attempted to help Rudokop calm down.

However, he was beyond consolation.

Rudokop’s alt urged Adrian’s alt to betray his demonic leader.

Meanwhile, Rudokop cried as evil forces pushed him away from the ice and ore.

Alas, his favourite potato farm was haunted by space ghouls.

This was upsetting for him.

Rudokop’s alt foretold a dire prophecy. The demonic attacks would continue.

Indeed, Rudokop’s other alt was already doomed.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Miners pretend the CODE. is some kind of Veldspar mafia, imagining James 315 as a mobster and a goon. Now that James is dead as a door nail, it is important that we resist such vile slanders. Blake McAllister‘s artwork portrays James as he really was: a dapper business man, and a respected pillar of the community.

Old James is as dead as a door-nail. Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the galaxy’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that James is as dead as a door-nail.

 

 

Praise the Mighty GUIDE.

Highsec miners struggle to understand how they can safely earn isk, without effort or risk, while watching television. Fortunately, there is one corporation, which is always sometimes eager to save those who refuse to save themselves.

The New Eden Police Force has a lofty goal, to eliminate PvP in low security space. Of course, they aren’t able to survive in lowsec, and so they have been practicing in Highsec. Recently, the NEPF wrote a seminal GUIDE.

Like every antigank attempt, this immediately ended in an embarrassing failure. It appears that not only is the CODE. better at EVE, but we also seem to be better at literally everything else, including website stuff.

Gallente Citizen I > lol I think they might have posted a dead link
Jody Longbuck > url File not found.
Magalaus Shardani > yeah the domain is for sale

GUIDE. forces are undeterred by this permanent setback, and continue to spam the dead link across my galaxy, for reasons which can only be ascribed to a combination of bot aspierancy and an apparent inability to notice.

Meanwhile, mining refugees have been ordered to evacuate Poinen.

GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Kill: Illia Caela (Jackdaw)
GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Wah Huren > Kill: Ulianov (Coercer) <— thats sad, pasting a concord whoring in local, failing to protect the jackdaw. 3 “New Eden Police” warped behind me, an epic fail

GUIDE. forces recently conducted an ineffective patrol of Isanamo.

All miners were urged to stop mining, in accordance with the GUIDE.

Examples were made of those who did not obey the GUIDE.

Everyone agrees that the GUIDE. is required reading.

As GUIDE. agents watched, local gankers enforced the law.

It went on and on…

Most people support the GUIDE. However, there are a few critics.

Dissent was spreading, and only the most faithful continued.

After a Mackinaw was ganked, even GUIDE. agents were demoralized.

Githany Red > hehe i have kill rights on you
Githany Red > a lot of good they wil do me
Githany Red > i’m not ment to talk to you hehe
Aiko Danuja > cuz im an evil witch who will mind control you

Despite abject failure, the GUIDE. lives on.

***

BONUS: The GUIDE. team has produced an awesome antiganking exclusive video, which (like actual antiganking) ends in despair and dismay.

That’s right. They made a video about their own incompetence.

Europa Aiko

Back in July, someone filed a botting report, and an elite CODE. taskforce was promptly assembled. I probably should have screenshotted the original allegation, but it was just the usual condemnation of minery. Fortunately, I did preserve a damning surveillance photo, submitted as compelling evidence of illicit botting.

 

 

I presume the original Reddit post was deleted, because Redditors are weak. They mean well, but lack courage and faith. The carebear poster was horrified, when he learnt what he wrought. He wrongly believed he was reporting a bot, but (in fact) Li Gazer was human. Nevertheless, bot aspirancy is also a capital offense.

Ernst Steinitz challenged Li to an honorable 1v1 duel, and was surprised when Li employed a questionable mining doctrine. Of course, Ernst is a real sportsman, and made sure to offer a friendly “good fight” in local. Handshake!

The carnage was astounding.

Surprise! Li is an evil warlock, and it was his 65th birthday.

Somehow, Princess Aiko always manages to make herself the center of attention. How does she do it? Well, as James 315 famously explained:

ALWAYS

To be continued…

***

FUTURE GOALS: Some people feel CCP is biased against the mighty CODE. alliance. During a recent ‘livestream’ discussion of upcoming nonse, I certainly felt rather slighted. As soon as I praised James, literally immediately, I was muted! It was almost like they had a bot, scanning for such content. Meanwhile, miners were allowed to repeatedly type “Fuck CCP. CCP fucking hates miners. Another fucking shitty change to Highsec.” They cried over and over, yet CCP saw no reason to mute their foul words. So it appears that CCP doesn’t like us, but maybe they just don’t want miners to know how much they love us, because they sure don’t seem to like carebears either. 

CCP has an upcoming goal, which makes me think they just might adore their little Princess. Indeed, is she not CCP’s Saviourette? 

I’m here to help!

 

 

 

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 9

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Previously on James315.Space… Odbayar gave Princess Aiko everything he had, and then shot a mining pod. It’s hard to say what Odbayar was thinking, but apparently someone instilled a desire for PvP. Carebears claim we grief newbros, but really we just want them to stop mining, and start killing miners. Is that so wrong?

It’s never seemed possible that a miner could ever become a ganker, but bless my heart, I always encourage them to give it a try. If Overmind Niminen is any indicator, I suspect Odbayar will soon revert to mining with a killright. However, I can at least give him the opportunity to try something else.

Perhaps someday, CCP might ban me for taking everything a miner has, but maybe they will understanding that this game isn’t about isk. Some of us believe in law and order. We genuinely want to rescue bears from their own greedy ambition. As the official Saviourette of the New Order, I wield incredible power, and intend to use this for the betterment of our civilization. We must insist on total CODE. compliance!

That’s right.

Odbayar was seeing another side of EVE, and he liked it.

I am here to help.

One bot did not appreciate Odbayar’s transformation.

It experienced the full mercy of Odbayar.

This appears to have been a traumatic experience.

Renim Xam may very well be an alt of kage1982.

Renim/kage was convinced that an Orca in his fleet was to blame for the gank, but Vixing Stroy was just using Renim as a drone.

Regardless, everybody loves my channel, Why Was I Ganked?

It’s just the place to be!

Odbayar is certainly happy to be home.

Oh no!!! Odbayar, where are you going? What are you doing?????

Once you go CODE; there is no other road.

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 8

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Previously on James315.Space… Little Odbayar donated his stuff to Princess Aiko, and ran away to nullsec Niarja, where he was griefed by filthy blobbers.

Of course, friend, I’m always happy to take requests.

As you may recall, I desperately urged Odbayar to return home to the Why Was I Ganked? channel, but for some reason he didn’t like me very much.

Nevertheless, Odbayar stayed in touch.

Some people just don’t appreciate their official Saviourette.

Aiko Danuja > I have seized your Fortizars, how does that feel unto you miner Maldavius? All glory to James 315!

On the way back from Nalvula, we figured out where Odbayar has been hiding.

Odbayar > Aiko Danuja wtf
Odbayar > Kill: Odbayar (Retriever) ?
Odbayar > Alleil Pollard Aiko Danuja ?
Aiko Danuja > Hello Odbayar
Aiko Danuja > Would you like to buy a mining permit?
Odbayar > bitchs

He still didn’t get it… and then it clicked.

Odbayar tore off his mask and dunked a miner.

Mission accomplished!

I’m so proud of you, Odbayar.

I’ll even SRP your Catalysts, if you can be polite.

Oh Odbayar… come home!

To be continued…