shhh

Hey, I’m Princess Aiko.

I’m the most important person in the galaxy.

I want miners to be content.

I know what they need.

They need to calm down.

Calm down and die.

Just die quietly, with dignity and grace.

I love to help.

See ya around!

Get it Done

This is how it’s done.

I’m a miner’s best friend.

I’m here to help!

I’m the best.

I’ve sure come a long way.

Would you like to know more?

That’s fine, I’m having a party in his crypt.

Everybody knows what happened.

Sometimes, these things happen.

Antigankers are gonna need new corporations.

Meanwhile, I’m doing pretty good.

Feel free to join me.

We can have a lot of fun.

You know what I mean?

It’s gonna be great.

I’m Aiko!

Thanks for the support!

That’s right!

A New Logo, for a New Era

Every few years, the Imperium evaluates the efficacy of Highsec ganking. Fortunately, we passed our audit, and The Mittani has once again acknowledged the People’s Democratic Republic of Highsec. Consequently, the ice interdiction will continue, until further notice. Meanwhile, in honour of our continued status as an independent sovereign state, I have graciously allowed CCP to use my personal seal.

I’m sure James would have loved it.

This design was produced by Zaenis Desef, and is reminiscent of similar designs by Blake McAllister and Sargon of Amerish.

Sargon’s version, some felt, was a little too good.

Blake’s idea was really the same basic concept. Zaenis and I looked at this, and discussed how we might improve it. Credit where it’s due, I never would have come up with the idea of putting myself on the alliance logo. Such hubris and vanity is far beyond me. I was perfectly happy to have James enshrined forever, in a hideous shade of orange. However, some people think it’s high time to shatter the glass ceiling, and put a woman atop our keepstar. Well, I can’t disagree, I should have called the alliance AIKO. However, I gotta say, Safety. will look pretty good on the nullsec map.

There were a number of suggestions, some that just didn’t quite match CCP’s formatting requirements. Gurt Benoit, for example, had a great idea. It was just a little ahead of it’s time. Once CCP fixes Walking in Stations, we will surely be able to permanently trap miners inside decorative bubbles.

I liked the message here, but it’s too wordy.

Dolphin Don wanted a sea theme, but it was too sexual.

Don felt we could use the logo to educate, about the dangers of mining, but we were concerned this might trigger recovering miners to relapse.

Tweeps wanted more of an early 1990s broadcast television theme, but personally I prefer pictures of myself. Can you blame me?

Before he was banned, Zuzzik portrayed me as a crystalline entity.

I thought the triangle S thing was cool (who made that?).

Globby suggested using the criminal timer.

Some submissions were good, but they weren’t the right size.

Ultimately, there were a lot of fine submissions.

Alt 00 had an interesting idea, which we could have developed further. However, Zaenis was the first to produce something with sparkly stars. Oh, how cute! 100% of the voters immediately selected his design. Subsequently, in their infinite wisdom, CCP decided to attack my fair visage with an eraser.

Why?

https://images.evetech.net/alliances/99010569/logo?size=128

At first, I thought CCP was sending a warning. They didn’t do this to anyone else. No other logo has been so ravaged.

Why am I singled out for defacement, covered in dirty grime and scratches? Well, I know the reason. More than any alliance, we represent the gritty reality of New Eden. CCP has chosen us to represent their vision. Miners will never live to see the freshly painted logo. All carebears will ever see is how it looks later, when the greedy salvager scoops scrap metal into his hull, wondering who killed his friends… and why? So that’s fine CCP, if you want to scuff up my face, I’m gonna scuff up your crabs.

Regardless, people seem happy with it, not that they have a choice.

If you think it’s so amazing, join my alliance.

Together, we can save the miners!

September 10

Today is September 10.

James 315, in his infinite wisdom, declared September 10 to be a special day, celebrating players who have been permanently banned. In some cases, of course, these bans were perhaps justified – in other cases, they most certainly were not. CCP has a long record of unclear policies, haphazard enforcement, and questionable decisions. We must remember that these players were, in many cases, decent people who had a positive impact on the game. Maybe they did something wrong, but don’t they deserve another chance?

loyalanon, even today, still ranks among the greatest EVE players ever. I’ve heard that he might have said something inappropriate in local. I wonder if they banned the miner who threatened to hack CCP servers, obtain my IP address, come over to my house, fuck me in the ass with a knife, and then cut off my head and masturbate into my brain? I’m just asking, because sometimes CCP enforces rules, and sometimes they don’t. Meanwhile, after all these years, loyal has changed for the better. He’s all grown up, a family man with a real job. He’s gotten good at Fortnite, and not bad at PUBG. He’s a nice guy, and a skilled gamer, so can’t we forget what he said all those years ago? I certainly can’t remember what he said, and I doubt anyone else can either.

Jerry Rin is one of the funniest, and friendliest people ever. I don’t know what you think Jerry did, but my research indicates that he was framed, by someone who deliberately conspired to get him banned. That’s not cool. When Jerry walks into the room, it’s like sparkles of energy just fill the sky. He’s always improvising and riffing on the most amazing beats. Dodixie is not the same without his infectious enthusiasm and upbeat energy. Today, Jerry works as a real-life Code Inspector, and he even won an award. Girls follow him around everywhere, giggling and laughing at his jokes. I do.

Fighter Jets GuitarSolo was cut down in the prime of his youth. A young lad from Nova Scotia, he grew up in a trailer park and struggled with demons. He murdered a man with an axe, and felt no remorse. Eventually, he found EVE Online, and his life changed. Suddenly, he was hosting his own game show, and he felt like he was a zillion megamiles tall. Then CCP came along, and he was gone forever. A little bird told me that he called a lesbian a lesbian. He didn’t mean anything by that, he just meant that she was a lesbian in-game, and she happened to be a lesbian in real-life. Oops! Today, Fighter Jets works as a professor of national security studies at Harvard, and he is a serial axe murderer.

D400 is one of the coolest people around, except just not in EVE Online. When he grew up, he didn’t know anything but his native Sami traditions, and he often wondered about the vast southern lands, where the sun appears in the sky each and every day. During the long nights, which lasted many months, he did his best to shoot empty shuttles. He was admittedly a space bully griefer, costing the miners tens of thousands of isk. I’m going to be completely honest with you, as I always am. D400 was banned because someone invited him to a chatroom. When you have someone in EVE set to a contact standing, good or bad, you automatically accept the invite. He wasn’t even at his computer, but his character was in the wrong chatroom, at the wrong time. D400 wasn’t banned for being associated with someone who may have done something wrong, he was banned simply because CCP doesn’t care if anyone actually did anything wrong. Today, D400 is homeless and struggling to find firewood. It’s cold, he has frostbite, and he ate a cat.

Erotica 1 was a weird dude, who loved to meet weird miners. Some people say that he did grotesque things, like ask miners to smear peanut butter across their chest. I’ve seen the photo, and it wasn’t even cringy, it was just dumb. In fact, Erotica never asked for that photo, but the miner decided all on his own to send the unrequested image. There was no torture! Meanwhile, Dolphin Don got temporarily banned for 3 days after sending a photo of someone with a cactus up their butt, but Erotica got permanently banned for a peanut butter photo, a little karaoke, and some white knights who exaggerated the horror of an audio recording which doesn’t even exist anymore. Last summer, Erotica asked me to marry him, and I politely declined. However, I see no reason he should be banned from EVE Online. Today he works as the director of a multilevel marketing solutions enterprise, selling cryptocurrency IPO offerings in the Cayman Islands.

Helicity Boson, concubine of the Sheikh and the mother of Hulkageddon, lives in wartorn Europe. It was hard for Helicity, growing up in a place where people don’t speak English, but she managed to pull herself together and started trading tulips. This allowed her to purchase a potato, and she built a small computer, with which she began to travel through outerspace. Unfortunately, her journey came to a sudden halt after she committed real-life cybercrimes, hacking into CCP computers to steal internal corporate data, and telling CCP devs that they should all be burned alive in real-life. Shortly after being permabanned, Helicity was permanently unbanned, when it became clear that she was right. Today, Helicity enjoys posting pictures of roleplaying dice on Twitter.

I’m not sure if Globby is banned or not, but I’m pretty sure he is. Globby went to Fanfest and was sexually assaulted by the Mittani. This left him feeling confused, and he poured his heart and soul into EVE Online. He invented the miracle of hyperdunking, which many beta orbiters have subsequently failed to emulate. I’ve met some of the greatest minds in the galaxy, but Globby has a special genetic disorder which allows him to overcome game mechanics. He’s the most nerfed player in EVE history, and he is being stalked by Matterall. Today, Globby is hiding out in Cambodia, living on his pension from the Los Angeles Police Department’s prestigious bomb squad. In his spare time, he enjoys volunteering for DolphinFacts, the #1 toll free 800 hotline for fun dolphin facts.

Brisc Rubal dedicated his life to maritime law, bribing congressman to guarantee dolphin fishing rights for benevolent international non-governmental organizations controlled by mysterious benefactors (namely, the Rockefellers and the Rothschilds). This made him rich beyond his wildest dreams, and he proceeded to invest everything into Keepstars. One day, CCP banned him, with clear proof that he did something wrong. Just when I decided that he must have done something wrong, they unbanned him and said it was all a big mistake. My lawyers have advised me to support Brisc, and to be quite honest, he shows up to gank in Uedama… so he can’t be that bad. 

Kelroth is a miner, idiot, and cokehead all rolled into one. The most fun I ever had in EVE Online was partying with Kelroth and taking all his money, but I know he has a lot more. Kelroth swipes his credit card like nobody else. His wife got so mad that she ran away and we had a torrid affair in Toledo. Unfortunately, just when Kelroth agreed to make me his financial advisor, CCP banned him for being an absolute moron. The Vancouver Police Department is now investigating Kelroth for financial crimes, but I just want my money. CCP needs to unban Kelroth so he can continue playing EVE, which for him basically involves sending me everything he has. CCPlease.

James 315, a newbro who was eager to explore New Eden, was permanently banned because of his egregious abuse of the new player experience. He was shocked and stunned, unsure what to do. After a few days, CCP unbanned him, because it turns out they made a mistake. They didn’t even apologize. Later, James was permabanned a second time, and then unbanned. Eventually, James got lucky and met a nice girl, who was actually a witch. They got married, but he died quite suddenly, leaving everything to his grieving widow. Fortunately, he is still alive in game, but in real life he is deceased.

Recently, Grey Ignis told me that his bio was arbitrarily removed because of some nerdy puns about things going in and out.

Grey is a real lady’s man, he just likes to get us girls all hot and bothered with subtle innuendo. However, some grumpy incel reported him, and now CCP has decided to punish him. They erased his bio, and isn’t even sure what was particularly offensive. Of course, it’s their game and they can do what they want. However, it’s weird how they overreact to one thing, and just ignore another. Ya know?

I don’t think CCP should turn EVE Online into a whiteknight friendly PG13 theme park. The graphic content of EVE Online, with its elite PvP and angry Chinese bots threatening to rain nuclear hellfire upon the United States, is what makes it such an engaging experience. Nobody actually wants to play Monopoly, because it’s a boring terrible game, but it’s fun to get drunk and listen to a temper tantrum. That’s what makes EVE enjoyable, because without such compelling characters as Dickcumpeniscock Pussyinvader, we just can’t immerse ourselves into the roleplay of a dystopian future.

Villains, who offend social norms, allow us to have heroes.

I urge everyone to spend this September 10 thinking about how EVE is better with banned players, who provide engaging content and meaningful gameplay. I’m sure that shitface MCshit, Faggorio Naggerius Twats, DickSuckinLips, and Penisfarts are actually decent people in real-life, so CCP should calm down and let players enjoy their game. Meanwhile, when we look back at the “terrible” things allegedly done in the past, we should remember the context of EVE Online. This is literally a game (and a company) which has embraced Faggot Task Force, the Ballsack Flickers corporation, Dickbutt Anonymous, and every possible variant of Adolf Hitler

nefarious DISSENT and TREASON

Thought criminals have denied my infallibility.

When you don’t gank, and don’t even log in, it’s goshdarn easy to theorycraft, backseat drive, and armchair quarterback your way to inevitable success. Even if you conclude that you can’t be bothered to do anything at all, you can at least fantasize about some big strong dream hero who will do… something.

It breaks my little heart, to know that someone still prefers a hypothetical third party who is theoretically better than me in every way.

Meanwhile, I’ve got the full might of Goonswarm behind me .

The Caldari State (what’s left of it) has passed an official corporate decree, confirming me as the lawful Saviourette of Highsec.

However, some impudent out-of-touch bystanders dare to question my divine leadership. For months, they have been insisting that I don’t do enough, or that my priorities are sorely misaligned. They suggest that I should lean back, rest upon my laurels, and imagine some academic grand strategy. Instead of shooting miners, I should just talk about shooting miners. Instead of shooting miners, I should convince someone else to shoot miners. Instead of leading from the front, I should micromanage from the rear.

See the source image

George Patton, a venerated agent of the New Order, observed that leadership of an army is akin to moving spaghetti. You don’t push the soggy mass forward with your finger, but instead you pull it forward. So yes, I will mock and shame those who do not log in, but dare to question patriots who stand firm against the mining menace. Who is going to defend you against the carebears and the crabs? Quite simply, you can’t handle the truth. You need me in that Catalyst, and I suggest you either log in or stand aside. You’re goddamn right I’m focused upon ganking, because this is a ganking alliance. 

The moment I log in (on a mere alt), just to check my skill queue or accept a contract, the spiderwebbed fate of the galaxy is permanently affected. Whether you log in and notice it or not, I am out there, making a difference.

When I actually enter local, passing through to meet a friend, Soviet preedator drones are instantly on the alert for an “imminent attack”. So if you want someone to lead you, then you better keep up, because I move fast and I don’t slow down. 

People love me, and my alliance killboard currently sits at 9.31 trillion isk destroyed, fully 9.5% of everything CODE. ever did. At this rate, after six and a half years, I will exceed nine years of CODE. (and that’s without help from WaTeR Ubersnol, call me). Now, if that’s not good enough for you, perhaps you should log in. Otherwise, listen to other esteemed members of the New Order, who clearly do not object.

I didn’t become the executor of the alliance in January. I’ve been the executor for over a year, and I just changed the alliance name to clarify my strategic goals. 

I will admit, that the gilded era of the warlords is behind us. Loyalanon is busy playing Minecraft, but he knows who is getting things done.

My name is Aiko

…and karttoon was right.

Princess Criesalot

I just wanted to be the sexist woman in the galaxy.

I wanted to meet men, and take their stuff.

Unfortunately, like Dorothy, I’m not in Kansas anymore.

Princess tears are the sweetest saltiest tears in the galaxy.

When loyalanon learned that Aiko wants to shoot freighters, he promptly got himself permabanned. When Erotica 1 learned that she enjoys variety shows, he went straight to prison. When James 315 learned that Aiko loves reading a blog about dead miners, he bought a one way ticket to Hek. So now I’ve got to be the best ganker, gameshow host, and blogger, but I’ve still got to find time for love.

Yesterday, I started crying because there is a great video out there, in which some streamer gets dunked. I wanted to share that with you, dear reader, but Discord is trash. Amidst all the spam, shittalk, random conversations, sheer autism, and endless sperging… things just vanish up the content stream, never to be seen again.

The boys in Discord are consummate professionals, and they don’t miss a beat. When their Princess started bawling, they immediately fixated on her trigger, turning the Discord into an endless dirge of utterly inane garbage.

That’s precisely why this channel is useless. Good luck finding anything!

Kento Bento found me sniveling in Halaima, and mined me for additional salt.

I poured my little heart out to him.

If I can’t find your posts on Discord, nobody else can either.

James had his cute little secretary, but I’m all alone.

I don’t care, I didn’t want that video anyways.

I’ve got my own content stream.

I’m the best!

That’s right!

The Best Revenge, Part 99

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in  The Best Revenge Part 98 … the Second Galactic War was starting to look a lot like Beeitnam, and the Gewnfuehrer avia naali (aka aiva naali, aka Kingpin, aka Agent Anvil, aka lil bullet, aka 140, aka QUANTUM) dutifully moved his headquarters from Beerlin to a cave near Dienbeeinphu.

A lot of people doubted his Sun Tzu intellect, but only avia had the foresight to spot the double trading of Vily, who would soon become the laughing stock of the galaxy when he ran straight into avia’s floodplain strategy.

It was July 15th, 2020, and the weather in Delve was HOT.

After directing the Swarm, avia enjoyed some R&R…

…and he caught up with some old friends.

Occasionally, avia wondered about the rorqual he had been promised.

He also developed a new can flipping taskforce: Safety.net

Princess Aiko used Google intel to keep avia informed…

…and avia prided himself on his own literary genius.

Subsequently, avia attended the funeral of James 315.

Afterward, he returned to his war headquarters.

avia also sent Goonswarm some nitrogen, a spare Rodiva, and extra blueprint copies.

To be continued…

Still Going

James 315 was a hero of the Great War.

Today, his legacy lives on.

As EVE’s greatest blogger, I’ve met so many wonderful people.

I’ve been sent a lot of amusing content.

 

I don’t care what you think.

I’m having fun.

EVE Online is the most amusing game.

I’m the greatest capsuleer in the history of New Eden.

Listen to me, and you will succeed.

This is a PvP game, just don’t PvP against me.

I will kill your miners.

I will take your money.

I will tell everyone in local.

You will wind up on my blog.

Broken Bot

After each gank, we try to help.

Chet has been having a lot of difficulty.

What could the problem be?

Can you guess what Chet is doing wrong?

After a brief conversation, we identified the issue.

Chet isn’t a bot aspirant. He actually is a bot.

Whenever you see Chet, you can rest assured that CCP doesn’t care about botting.

Botting is perfectly normal in EVE Online.

CCP knows this, but they refuse to take action.

These bots are everywhere.

This is digusting!

So I’m just gonna kill them all.

No permit = No ship.

Five Star Service

Praise me!

You have to. It’s the law of Halaima.

I am a trueborn Goddess of Highsec.

You wish you could shove it.

I’m just a sexy lady.

My friends are doing well in EVE.

My enemies gnash their teeth in vain.

For them, every day is a struggle for survival.

Simp or die. It’s that simple.

Disobedient miners get the blasters.

Loyal citizens get rewarded.

James 315 might be dead (permabanned), but his spirit lives on!

Wheeee!