What About MinerBumping?

A lot of people have been wondering.

Perhaps, you noticed the old MinerBumping channel seems small, empty, and filled with dusty cobwebs. Frankly, James 315 doesn’t care about that channel. It’s dead to him. It’s dead to me. It’s dead to us. We are now well into the Jamespocalypse, so antiganking spammers are free to enjoy that channel’s utter lack of moderation.

It’s not the first time James has switched channels. I should know!

The New Order is not stagnant, and we have moved on to the promised channel of milk and honey. Here, we have our very own Princess.

Indeed, James prefers his new channel, Why Was I Ganked?

He endorsed it. It’s official.

It also poses a great question.

Did you really think James forgot about the miners?

Somehow, I know exactly what he wants.

The old channel served a purpose, once upon a time. However, it also encouraged stale repetition, docked up sycophancy, and cringy roleplay. Gankers squabbled over who is most beloved by James, and who is the true heir (or heiress?) to the ice throne. In stark contrast, the new channel leaves no room for doubt, with stimulating discussion on a pertinent topic. It’s more focused, and better moderated, for our strategic purposes.

Of course, by now, everyone knows about James and Aiko.

Some people just have it all backwards.

Regardless, our new channel is the perfect place to meet dead miners…

…and listen to their endless praise.

Meanwhile, we intend to kill the bears…

…and bring them to justice.

We can help them. We will save them.

It’s what James told me to do.

He made me your Saviourette (yours and yours).

He even taught me how to make a website.

I’m doing a pretty good job. Outstanding!

The diggers are starting to understand why I’m here.

They know what I bring to the table.

Oh boy, there’s a content train a’comin.

Choo! Choo!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shameless

Listening to: Renegades of Funk

Back when I was just a secretary, I often felt overwhelmed. Everybody wanted to talk with James, and so they would write me. More than one person assumed that I am James, because perhaps James is a beautiful young woman (who just loves killing miners). I don’t know, friend, I suppose it might be true.

What does this mean for the blog? Well, I can’t capture every nuance. The queue of unposted stuff is growing, and I’ll never be able to tell the full story. Regardless, we all know how it ends. The mighty CODE. alliance just keeps winning daily, because there’s absolutely no stopping an invincible juggernaut.

If you are a miner, there’s one thing you should understand.  We are coming to kill you, all of you. If you pay us, right now, we just might indulge your little mining fetish. We could even adopt you, as some kind of cute cuckold pet. However, you have been warned. We won’t tolerate any more excuses. This is not the time for debate, or negotiation. You will surrender and submit, or the New Order will extirpate you.

Carebears lead new players astray. They convince them CODE. is a joke, and James is permabanned, gone off to play World of Warcraft with his hot kickboxing girlfriend. They insist that nobody in CODE. has a clue what we are doing, and we are just docked-up roleplayers who eat paint chips. When a miner learns the hard truth, they are often rather upset, and nothing close to calm.

I’m truly sorry about that, but it’s gonna get even worse for you. If you thought losing a barge was bad, just wait until you get into a bigger ship.

They are notorious liars, and cannot be trusted.

Do not suffer the miner. The only appropriate response is to blast them with neutrons, before they can establish a nest. When I wake up in the morning, and I see little Ventures scurrying about, I do what any self-respecting woman would do. I scream, and then I clean house. For some reason, goofuses seem to like this, believing that they gain some financial benefit from systematic extermination.

I intend to biomass the mining caste. I made this clear in my coronation speech. Some crabs claim they can’t understand, because their speakers are trash, or they are partially deaf, and just can’t hear me over the roaring crowd. Let me explain. I’m not doing this for isk, or roleplay. I’m doing it because miners disgust me.

Gobloks often threaten to overthrow me.

I am not concerned about that. Their pathetic self-preservation addiction is nauseating, but it is hardly a threat unto me.

When I’m done with them, they’ll be begging for James.

There’s no shame in quitting.

I’ll help them all.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t stop us now
We’re the renegades of this time and age
Since the VCBees and the days of Jihadswarm
Right down through the Hulkageddon
New Eden kept going through changes
From a different solar system, many many galaxies away
We are the force of another creation
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Now renegades are the people
They change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re the renegades, we’re the people
With our own philosophies
We change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re poppin’, sockin’, rockin’ puttin’ a side of hip-hop
Because where we’re goin’ there ain’t no stoppin’
We’re teachers of the funk
And not of empty popping

 

 

 

 

A hard knock

OFFICIAL NEW ORDER ANNOUNCEMENT

As your Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce a promo contest.

I would never want my actions to conflict with the infallible judgment of James 315, so I cleared this with him via seance, and the ouija planchette pointed at me. I suspected that Kroppina was manipulating the board, but Alt 00 saw it move autonomously. This demonstrates that James truly loves me. I also sat for three hours in a dark room, watching a candle, and it flickered when I whispered his name. Once again, this confirms beyond doubt, that I am the one true heiress to anything and everything.

With great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to officially endorse this contest. James wouldn’t want us to merely sit in station, docked up and praising his name ad nauseam. He always detested sycophants, who need him to authorize each and every decision. Nor is he satisfied with those who merely undock and gank. He expects us to be civil, creating art and culture, beyond the bare minimum. I know this, because we are intimately mind melded, forever and ever. Amen.

I agree wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no interest in EVE Online, but I have every interest in the Order. This galaxy was once ruled by a fickle demon, the cheater BoB. James killed this beast, and a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. In this way, the galaxy finally became interesting, and with the help of the VCBees (and a certain Khanid princess), James saved everyone from eternal boredom.

Once upon a time, Katia Sae decided to visit every star system, and took screenshots to document her journey. This sounds absolutely dreadful, mainly because Katia refused to engage in any actual gameplay. When other spaceships appeared, she would simply log out of her client, waiting for them to go away. In some cases, a stalemate would last weeks, and it took more than a decade for Katia to navigate her tiresome path. CCP likes to celebrate this ‘amazing’ journey, but it’s really just a testament to how incredibly boring EVE can be. Some players literally spend years doing nothing much.

Alani Prinz offers 315 Catalysts, to whomsoever submits the best photo. Since the rules are unclear, I will make them up as I please. Our contest will continue for at least one month, and there must be contestants. Images should be high resolution, and full screen. Furthermore, they must show someone doing something honorable, like piloting a Catalyst or dunking a Venture. As an example, Alani submitted this fine image.

***

Of course, a Saviourette’s work is never done.

Mrs Curtain is a plebeian of Hard Knocks, which rents several wormholes from me. When she accidentally fell out of her hole, Ernst kindly evicted her.

James would be proud, to know that Ernst is still out there, keeping Highsec safe from riffraff and vagrants. Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain did not appreciate his hard work. Instead of paying rent, she tried to scam him!

Ernst is no stranger to wormholes, and he sternly advised Mrs Curtain to speak with her feudal overlord. Educate yoself!

As you should know, Loroseco is a powerful friend in j-space.

If you ever get suspicious, that everyone in the galaxy is conspiring against you, well — they probably are (the exact same people).

Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain doubted the truth.

Someday, she will learn the hard way (again).

*WARNING*

Yonder day of judgment be nigh at hand!

 

 

 

 

 

100 Billion!

As your official Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce that the mighty CODE. alliance continues to win daily.

That’s right.

This is some high praise!

I’ll allow it.

I like when people pay me to endorse myself.

Tweeps has been funding the alliance for a long time.

I imagine she will continue.

I’d super hate to be on her blacklist. Tweeps has so many alts, like literally thousands. It would be nigh impossible to play EVE, against an enemy who can destroy an entire alliance, without even bothering to login. Fortunately, Tweeps likes the CODE. and that’s part of our secret recipe — we have powerful friends in Highsec.

When I first met Tweeps, people told me to be careful. They said she is a dangerous evil scammer, who would take everything I have. Actually, they had it all backwards. Tweeps is really great, and I’m also like totally invincible. Everyone should strive to be more like Tweeps, and send everything they have to me.

Tweeps celebrated her wise investment, donning a party hat of solid gold, inlaid with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, amethysts, and chunks of pure zydrine.

In the old days, James would tip his own hat, in honor of such tribute. As a Princess, I can offer a slight wave of my hand, and perhaps a little something extra.

As word spread, spontaneous celebration erupted within the sacred Minerbumping channel, where everyone loves me.

Of course, friend.

We also had a big party in Teamspeak.

Everyone was invited. Some people were afraid to come, because they are intimidated by a strong woman, but apparently Aiko is really nice. Everybody enjoyed the opportunity to mix and mingle with their Saviourette, discussing personal goals, and how the OHNO! treasury might benefit their corporation.

Praising spread through every channel in the galaxy.

We had a super swell time.

Eventually, all parties come to an end.

Let’s do it again!

I was trying to decide if I should buy a fifth Titan, and intervene in the war. However, Magalaus Shardani had a much better idea.

Let’s just kill the bears.

All of them.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

 

 

 

 

Big Deal

Listening to: Indestructible

I’m kinda like a big deal.

“You fucked up whore”

“You shit jew sympathizer.”

In any culture, or language, they know I am.

“Well it’s fun to have a Donald Trumpette in EVE Online”

They understand what I want.

“fuck you shit”

They’ve studied my law.

“We have to respect the CODE…”

“…and better purchase a mining permit.”

They have it memorized.

They can sense what I need.

They love what I do.

They can’t get enough.

I love it too!

I’m gonna give it to them.

They’ll just keep coming back for more.

James told me to never stop.

He wants me to continue.

Always, means always.

I’m your Saviourette (yours, and yours).

It’s not roleplay.

I’m just so perfect in every way.

That’s why James gave Highsec to me.

The CODE. belongs to me now.

So I’m gonna finish the job.

Welcome to the future.

I’m invincible.

That’s right.

Another time
To carry the colors again
My motivation
An oath I’ve sworn to defend
My true vocation
And now my unfortunate friend
You will discover
A war you’re unable to win
I’ll have you know
That I’ve become
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I’m an indestructible master of war
I carry out my orders
With not a regret
A permanent reminder
Of how we began
No hesitation
When I am commanding the strike
You need to know
That you’re in for the fight of your life
You will be shown
How I’ve become
A terror to behold

 

Moving On

Some people believe the CODE. alliance died years ago, when James 315 was permabanned. Others believe it died a few months ago, at the very moment James passed on. Still others believe it was dead from the start. However, readers of the blog know divine truth: James is far more powerful dead than alive. It also benefits me, so I’ll allow it.

Miners and plebs fixate upon the ‘Great War’, as my tributaries quarrel over the Delve, but they fail to understand this conflict began in Halaima (a peaceful mining system, near Jita). A true Princess never forgets.

Like, whatever!

Lewak began preaching a strange heresy. According to Lewakites, multiboxing is an evil sin, and Omega accounts are terribly unfair to poor alphas. All implants, no matter the type or purpose, are absolutely verboten. Meanwhile, Lewak glorified implanted multiboxing antigankers, who ‘enforce’ the CODE. upon the CODE. Lewak even began failganking on scouts, claiming that real gankers never use combat probes. We had a little disagreement, so I discussed this with Loyal, Globby, Tweeps, and Holdmybeer. They all asked the same question. “Who is Lewak?” Something had to be done, before the alliance was reduced to nothing but weird roleplayers! Praise James! 07

Actually, yes, I just might…

Fighting spread across Lonetrek, with fierce combat in Isanamo. Here, disgusting heretics were besieged inside an abandoned Nurtura warehouse, desperately scrounging for scraps of biomass and stale soylent wafers. Meanwhile, descending from Moon 21, spaceborne Khanid flametroopers rained hellfire upon their enemies. Neutron blasts scoured cities, as machine guns splattered bullets down narrow streets. The CODE. Civil War truely happened, and this permanently shifted the galactic balance of power.

 My, what a difference a year makes.

So, where do we go from here? 

Our vassals can squabble, but we’ve got business in Highsec, and the Summer Hole War is over. We know what to do, and our friends support us. We will simply apply a new litmus test, and this will root out all the closet bears.

PRAISE PRINCESS AIKO, SAVIOURETTE OF HIGHSEC,
AND HOLY EMPRESS OF CODE.

(pro tip: listen to the above on a permanent loop)

I recently discovered Lewak’s new mining alt corp, and confronted him her about his mining habit. Only someone with the honest integrity of a true Princess can defeat such treasonous minery. Indeed, she confessed to his illegal crimes, and (after praising me) was duly punished according to the laws of the Halaima Halama.

BEHOLD THE CONFESSION OF THE MINING TRAITOR

That’s right. Miners are liars. Always!

What a crab!

Yes Mr Cheng

I’m overwhelmed, in way over my head.

I’m spinning in space, dizzy with success. This must be how Nikita felt, when he sent those missiles to Fidel. Sometimes, I briefly glance at my unread mails. Woah. Jump jump jump. My discord is constantly popping up @everyone @here and it’s just nonstop @Aikoaikoaiko. The wallet keeps flashing, and I haven’t answered the last one, but someone sent another conversation request. Primary is the Rattlesnake, secondary Leshak. My email is backed up too. My mom doesn’t really understand.

I’m sure she’ll be fine. She always said I could be anything, do anything. Why would I care about being Holy Roman Empress, when I am a Lady of Agil? So now my mom focuses less on what I might do, and is more concerned about what I’m doing, down in this dusty dungeon. Ever since I inherited the realm, I haven’t really done anything, except whatever I want. I used to enjoy knitting, but now my interests perplex her.

Something just seems off, about the whole situation.

She wants to understand. She thinks mining sounds relaxing, so she might make an account and give it a go. Indeed, she really enjoys Facebook Farmville. She also appreciates videos filled with flashing lights, purple dots, and red triangles.

Meanwhile, she has been reading the blogs. She just wants to make sure that VictorStark Stark isn’t hiding under my bed, hanging out with kage1982 and Rudokop. I think she gets it though. She even made a comment about the Russians, “Those poor farmers, they just want to farm!” Mostly, she’s glad that her little girl finally got married, even if it’s to a dead guy. Naturally, she understands the utility of a strategic espousal.

Every day, actually, and that’s insane. What was James 315 thinking? Also, mom, seriously – it’s miner with an ‘E’. Ok?


My friends have their doubts, but I know what’s best.

How else will the people learn about Yes Mr Cheng?

Together, we can save the miners, from themselves!

Mr Cheng is a helper. Always look for the helpers.

Some people will never understand the glorious creed of Halaima. When James sold mining permits, echobears thought permits should always be priced at exactly 10 or 30 million isk. However, they don’t call me the Saviourette for nothing, and I actually read the CODE. You know, every time you read it, you glean more wisdom. I’ve definitely read it more than you. I’ve read it more than James.

Since the Code is a living, breathing document, it’s not possible to fully enumerate all of the rules.

As the only person in New Order history to officially amend the CODE. of Halaima, it’s pretty obvious I wrote it, and know exactly what all the rules are. Let me boil it down and pour it on you, in its most concise form.

Your mining operations are entirely at my mercy.

It’s really that simple. So when Mr Cheng decided to seek a solution to intergalactic minery, he was invited to attend a Lawton School seminar on space law. There he met Princess Aiko, who taught him a sacred truth. Mining permits start at 10 million isk per year, but the actual retail price is sometimes higher. 

There’s a lot which isn’t specifically addressed in the CODE. For example, did you know, miners are liars by nature? That’s a sacrosanct provision, which is so self-evident, James didn’t even bother to include it. I sincerely doubt a miner has ever been honest about anything. They just can’t do it. Mining is the greatest scam in the galaxy, and it takes a real hero (or heroin) to confront the inner bot. 

They will say anything to avoid responsibility. In this case, Cherry refused to purchase her mining permit. That’s fine. Frankly, it’s preferable.

Mr Cheng might be bad at taking screenshots, and I suppose there’s a good reason James loved his classy little secretary. Regardless, I’m pretty sure this New Order thing is gonna keep going. CONCORD just can’t stop us.

Goofus complains about Princess Aiko.
Gallant sends everything he has.

 

Remember, remember, September the Tenth

A Day of Remembrance

Someday, they might come for me. They just might ban Princess Aiko! A few months ago, Sievert Solutions reported me for seducing Kelroth‘s wife, and a steamy weekend in Toledo turned into a scandal which shocked EVE Online’s Mormon community. The news spread like wildfire, lesbian bondage is happening in Highsec, and then there’s also the matter of $25’000 (not to mention all the singing, and that dead dog)!

If you let jellybears tell this story, it sounds like I am an absolute space bully. A vindictive little witch who sneaks into your Teamspeak, and seduces your entire alliance. Hide your wife, hide your freighter, they ganking everything up in here!

These gankbears were both in CODE., and they are both super salty that I dunked them out of the alliance. Let’s be honest. They were cringy wannabe space bullies, who would obsessively write obscene things unto the miners, desperately trying to trigger them. They cried loudly when things did not go their way, and I found their content to be not quite up to snuff. New Order gankers are classy professionals, not teenage alcoholics.

I warned them both, I waited, and finally I put them down. James has no tolerance for rabid dogs, and I am the Sword of Justice. Now they have taken to the forums, spreading the ‘truth’ and desperately hoping to scam CCP into taking action against me. They are convinced, if they can find a way to manipulate public opinion, that CCP will wield the banhammer without regard for facts. If you read carefully, they also take issue with “the blog” and “salt farming”. That’s right, they want CCP to permaban James 315 (again).

***

I haven’t gotten around to writing about Kelroth, but the man was an absolute pleasure to do business with. We got along, and had a party. He decided to buy a wormhole, and invest in my Jita market hedge fund. Kelroth also wanted to purchase a lifetime mining permit. The first time he transferred me fifty billion isk, I asked him why? Why was he doing this? His answer was simple enough, “You are my favourite bitch.”

Kelroth liked the ‘bonus room’, which we now refer to as the ‘extra room’, to avoid negative connotations. He enjoyed singing I’m a Barbie GirlBehind Blue Eyes, and a host of other songs. He read the CODE. with gusto, relishing Princess Olga’s humiliations unto the dirty Drevlians. It was the typical situation, not unlike so many others, in which a Highsec miner decides to throw a lavish party and entertain his new friends. Am I going to get banned for simply sitting in a chat channel, accepting contracts, and encouraging a miner to calm down and have fun? Am I going to get banned for laughing? 

Sometimes, after the fact, miners will have second thoughts. It’s kind of like how a big spender might wonder if he really should have bought that third round of drinks. Perhaps they went a little far, dancing around with a lampshade on their head, and trying to grope their charming hostess? If you leave your waitress a thousand dollar tip, is she a monster simply because she has an alliance to bankroll?

***

There have been real life lawsuits, when a billionaire snorts too much Mindflood, and decides he was over-charged for exotic dancers. I get it, but what am I supposed to do? Should I politely decline these incessant contracts? Should I tell the miners, that they should instead contact Hard Knocks or send everything to Chance Ravinne (as agreed). Maybe they need to ring up Scooter McCabe, and he will do the exact same thing as me, except not as well and with a ‘space court’ theme.

In my opinion, the rules of the game are clear, the EULA is clear. The law is crystal clear. Just consider Mason v. Machine Zone, which the United States District Court of Maryland summarily dismissed, “Plaintiff paid for the privilege of playing with Defendant’s in-game currency, and she got precisely what she bargained for… It would be unjust to return those funds to Plaintiff after she benefited from the enhanced gaming experience that gold evidently delivers.” Likewise, I’m offering an enhanced gaming experience in EVE Online, and my content is very pricey. If you wanna fly with Princess Aiko, you are either gonna be ganking or you are gonna take a solemn oath of poverty.

I’m not going to write a treatise, but the international consensus seems to be settled. For example, the Australian Law Reform Commission of 2011 investigated this. They concluded that in-game currency is nothing more than ‘extra playtime’, which you gain or lose according to skill and whims of fate. You either lose points and get dunked into bankruptcy, or you get more points and keep playing. If you run out of points, you can hop in a Corvette, or pull out your credit card. If you lose the game, that’s on you. Of course, people get agitated about credit cards and PLEX, and I’ve got a suspicion how these miners are funding their tribute. Sievert Solutions told CCP that I “force” miners to buy PLEX, which isn’t true, but will CCP believe me? What am I supposed to do? I just want them to stop mining, but they insist on paying. They want my content, and they want me.

You can play for free, or you can pay CCP for PLEX, skill points, and ultimately isk. You can grind it the hard way, or you can just ask CCP to give you a fat stack. Regardless, isk is not real. It is Monopoly money. It is not legal tender. When a Final Fantasy player lost the equivalent of 400 billion isk, his local police informed him that they would not investigate the ‘theft’, because in-game currency is “devoid of monetary value“. You lost your money when you paid CCP, and whatever happens after that is entirely on you. If you give it all to me, I’m gonna take it. We are playing Dungeons and Dragons, and the GM is selling purple loot. Go ahead and give me your stuff, that’s fine. Right?

Of course, if somebody has a gambling problem, or a mental problem – CCP should gently cut them off. I don’t want anyone to invest their life savings into a video game. I don’t want them to spend all their money at the liquor store either. I personally can’t tell if they are a teenager stealing money from a poor grandmother’s purse, or a wealthy tycoon in real-life. Regardless, I’m not a bad person for taking everything they have, because I didn’t actually take anything. I’m not a monster, simply because you land on my Boardwalk hotel. I’m playing a game, and I’m playing to win. Always!

Is it wrong, this thing I’m doing so very well?

James put it quite succinctly, “The whole situation is murky, and CCP should clarify the rules.” Six years later, we are still waiting for a response. Are we allowed to speak to miners, and take all their stuff, yes or no? Are we allowed to host karaoke night? Are we allowed to flirt? Are we allowed to smile? We now assume that we aren’t allowed to post a recording of some miner screaming at us. We’d sure like to, but we refrain. However, is it ok if we post screenshots of local chat? The galaxy wonders.

***

I haven’t gotten around yet to writing about the Princ3e yet, but according to him, he is a real-life prince of Abu Dhabi. He’s a student at Harvard, runs his own cigarette smuggling operation in New York, and he likes me — I’m a Princess. He sent a lot of isk, and I seduced him into moving his mining corporation to lowsec, where he lost a lot more isk. The mining witch also liked me, because it’s nice to hang out in comms with a real-life teenage Italian princess. He enjoyed telling me how much he wanted to see me naked, while contracting over all his assets. It’s not my fault that I’m a beautiful attractive young woman, and I’ve never once broken a real-life law, not even in-game. I’ve never offered to trade sex for isk. I haven’t even lied. I told Kelroth that I’d be happy to go into a wormhole with him, and I meant it. I’d love to shoot him in a wormhole. I said the same thing to the Prince, and we went to lowsec as agreed. As for the mining witch, as I will eventually explain, we had a falling out because he didn’t like my strong Christian values.

Will I be banned for talking to lonely men and taking all their stuff?

***

I caught up with Gripen ANM the other day. He was a little disappointed by what happened. He was surprised (and mildly amused) to see himself on the blog. He thought, “What have I done? How could I be so stupid?” His friends had a similar viewpoint. They said to me, “You are fucking brilliant mate! How could you do that? It was like you put a spell on him. He knew five people in wormholes, and everyone would have moved him in without charging anything. All he had to do was ask. Instead he accused us all of being Pandemic Horde spies, and you were the only one he trusted! That’s amazing!” Well, I’m pretty good at what I do, friends. I don’t know if I’m the best, but I’m definitely one of the best.

I was concerned, because Gripen Aikumi is such a nice young lad catgirl, and I didn’t want him her to be upset. I didn’t want her to be sour. I reached out to her recently, and we had a chat. You know what? Gripen is still playing EVE (on another account, of course). She’s back at it, and she is inspired. She no longer wants to mine. She no longer wants PvE. She wants to play the game for real. She wants to do PvP. She is in nullsec, and she is happy. She realizes now what the game is. She is suddenly alert. Those people selling a nullsec system might be scamming her. They might be giving her a titan, just so they can shoot it. Of course, they are gonna let her transfer all her stuff into a citadel. Of course, they’d love to have her join their fleet. She gets it now. She likes it. She even said, “Thank you. I re-assessed one of my real-life relationships, and saw what was happening. I would have lost a lot of real money, without this wake up call. Thank you.” I told Gripen, “Look, you bought a lot of Catalysts. If you ever want to come gank, just let me know, a friend of the New Order is always welcome in my fleet.” So she just might start ganking, and she wouldn’t be the first person to lose everything, and be saved. That’s the miracle of Halaima.

Of course, Akumi still seems a little confused…

***

You know, it all started in Runescape, that’s where I first met James. We were social workers, trying to liberate the same group of Filipino sweatshop farmers. When I realized James had his own car, I wound up drinking pumpkin spice lattes at Starbucks, while he droned on about some stupid first-person shooter. Before long, those lattes turned into cranberry vodka, and we were doing karaoke. We had a great time, and I’m sure he woke up one morning and thought, “What have I done? Did I really just waste $350 on champagne?” Well yeah, I mean, why would I want the cheap stuff? Eventually, we discovered World of Warcraft, where we made some new friends: Siegfried, Globby, Tweeps, and Ehnea. James became the notorious scatman, and we all enjoyed Friday night Teamspeak karaoke. Before long, I figured out how to enchant a spacecraft, and we traveled to a distant galaxy. One day, after a long night with James, I had a sore throat. So we asked the miners to sing, and they seemed to love it. It’s not a scam, it’s just space karaoke! 

At some point, Erotica 1 joined our merry little group, and he liked me very much. In fact, he still does. It’s no secret that Erotica wants to marry me (in real life), and he actually has proposed to me on multiple occasions.

 

He’s not a bad guy, he’s really not. Sure, he’s done and said some things which annoy me, but the stories are exaggerated. The legends are distorted. If a miner smears peanut butter all over their face, that’s not because anybody has a fetish for peanut butter. It’s just that sometimes miners do these things, and we really can’t stop them.

The sheer amount of sexual harassment I endure is staggering, with grotesque comments, pornographic pictures, and detailed instructions for just how exactly I am going to be fucked. The miners are far worse than Erotica 1, of that I have no doubt. So why doesn’t CCP ban them? Why did they ban Erotica, and so many others? Sometimes, it feels there is a bit of a double standard. Perhaps, it’s because people in CODE. are reluctant to report inappropriate behavior. We simply take screenshots and post it on our blog. We believe in public shaming, instead of crying to mother CCP. Honestly, if I reported every outrageous thing that was said to me, then I would be continually sending reports.

It’s my opinion that CCP shouldn’t ban anyone for ‘bad behaviour’. Unless someone is breaking a real-life law, unless there is an active criminal investigation, CCP should ignore it. Miners should be allowed to rant and rave, crying as loudly as they want, and men will settle disputes like men. There’s no point in trying to censor content, all that does is create this weird situation where ‘white knight’ hypocrites run around reporting everyone, while they themselves engage in worse behavior. I don’t even care about bots or input broadcasting. I honestly don’t. I will hunt your bot down, I will find a flaw in your programming, and I will dunk you. CCP could even advertise botting as a feature. Imagine a game where scripting is not only allowed, but actively encouraged, with some of the best and brightest competing to develop an effective AI. It might even improve the game, if CCP makes the effort to add engaging content and intricate game mechanics.

***

Unfortunately, the ban wave of September 10, 2014, continues to be remembered as an injustice. CCP was willing to retract its ban of Brisc Rubal, concluding that they over-reacted. A similar appeal should be granted to victims of Septembergate. Imagine whatever you like about Erotica, but he wasn’t the only one banned for accepting isk and contracts, while enduring hours of subpar karaoke. Some of those banned did nothing at all. They were simply invited to a channel, sat there AFK while they went to work, and suddenly they were permabanned — purely because of a chat channel invite. Guilty by mere association! Indeed, if you set someone as a contact, they can bring you into a channel with no option to decline! This is true, even if you set them to terrible standings! Meanwhile (and yes, we still have voice recordings), individuals such as Scooter McCabe were active participants in the ‘Bonus Room’. Why was he not banned? Is it possible that CCP steps on little people, who lack name recognition, and treats celebrities with a velvet glove?

Brisc Rubal recently sent me isk, so am I going to be banned for accepting it? Am I going to be banned for continuing to chat with Erotica on Discord, and being polite as he tries to seduce me, even though he knows I already have a wonderful boyfriend? Am I going to be banned because I like karaoke, and I enjoy singing songs with my friends? Am I going to be banned, because I click accept on every 0 isk contract and trade that a miner decides to send me? My goodness, they send so much stuff, and I often don’t even ask for it. Sometimes I even discourage it! Am I wrong to click accept? 

***

The Sokhar Bonus Room was a dramatic moment in EVE history. Sokhar went on and on in local, proclaiming to everyone that bonus rooms are a scam. However, he wasn’t so sure. Indeed, it’s not a scam. It’s an audition. If we like you, if we enjoy singing songs with you and hanging out in Teamspeak, then you are going to be joining a very exclusive club with the coolest people in EVE. On the other hand, every contest has its fair share of losers, and Sokhar was not a winner. He was drinking, his wife was drinking, and like so many families they began screaming and shouting. Someone suggested his wife should calm down, and that didn’t seem to help. My lord, what a shrill trainwreck.

However, despite Ripard Teg‘s carebear ranting, no real harm was done. Sokhar and his wife would have been screaming at each other, even if there was no Bonus Room. They would have been throwing things and arguing about who was responsible for turning out the bathroom light. After the fact, much like Gripen, Sokhar made it clear to everyone that he was fine. He was playing a game. He even had a good time. He made some mistakes, but all in all, he was happy to have been a contestant in the galaxy’s greatest karaoke contest. Ripard, for all his concern about the manner in which we ‘tortured’ Sokhar, immediately threw Sokhar under the bus, concluding that Sokhar wasn’t competent to judge his own situation. Somehow, inexplicably, CCP went along with this. They banned so many good people, so many wonderful nice people. They banned my friends.

Ripard tried to claim that what we did was outrageous, because (he said) it was done purely for humiliation, and not for the isk. This is completely absurd on so many levels. When an antiganker jams my Catalyst, he isn’t doing it for isk. The only thing he wants is to ‘humiliate’ Princess Aiko, crowing about her ‘failure’. When we invite you into comms, to sing a few songs, we just really want to hear you sing. If you are good, great, everyone is gonna have a blast. If you are terrible, yes, we are gonna laugh. However, let’s be completely honest. What we also want is your isk, your assets, and everything you have. If you would like to just contract it over, without any singing, that’s totally fine. In fact, the ideal ‘bonus room’ is not a drawn out torture chamber. The script goes about like this:

Q: Do you pledge everything you have to the New Order, accepting High King James 315 as the one true God, and Princess Aiko as the Sword of Justice? Do you swear fealty unto us, here and now, accepting that we are your sovereign overlords who rule by divine right?

A: Yes, of course, here is everything I have. I exist to serve you.

We look back on the Great Banning and wonder. Will CCP ever do the right thing, and review this terrible decision? Will they finally acknowledge that people have been singing songs and transferring assets for eons? Will they admit that this content is not merely part of the game, but in fact IS the game. You can join any nullsec bloc today, finding endless porn and cringe. People screaming in comms, contracting stuff back and forth, and yes, they are singing songs. They are crying, wailing, shouting, plastering channels with content, and desperately trying to move upward by doing whatever ‘leadership’ wants. EVE is a game of social cliques, and you either make it to the next level, or you get dunked back down. We do it in Highsec, and we do it well, but it’s neither wrong nor unethical. 

***

Maybe someday CCP will ban Princess Aiko. They might snuff out the light of Highsec, and a terrible darkness will fall upon the galaxy. I don’t know. I wince every time I accept a contract, but when you offer to give me Park Place, I’m definitely gonna take it. I think miners are on a molasses spectrum. So why don’t you go ahead and do what I say. If you don’t mind, I’ll queue up the next song for you.

 

 

The Reclaiming of Nalvula

Listening to: The Best Songs of the ’50s

People are starting to talk, and they really aren’t sure what they are talking about. What is even happening? What do the oracles forebode?

What if James 315 were God, and decided to become the Highsec Goddess?

When exactly did Aiko turn blue?

Is she James, or did Aiko KILL James (and his little dog too)?

Yes, James 315 still technically logs in, but who is that?

Sometimes, reading the blog, I felt like James was speaking directly to me. It was like he untied me, forced me to log in, and then we drank wine. I really hated Conoban, but he insisted the game would get better if the Old Guard was born again.

Princess Aiko appeared mysteriously one rainy Saturday, with smooth black hair, and she didn’t really do anything for a long time. The Imperial Guards have a glorious heritage, but is it true they owned Halaima and subsequently transferred the claim to James — that’s the truth, isn’t it? James was bumping to impress a girl.

She seems cute enough. If only she could lose a little weight, pull that hair back into a ponytail, and remember her password. Surely she hasn’t been a World of Warcraft elf all this time? Although, that would explain why 315, Siegfried, Loyal, and Globby haven’t been undocking… One means to test a hypothesis is to examine the evidence and carefully consider the facts. For example, if there is some intimate connection between Princess Aiko and James 315, then surely we would notice similarities — right?

Hmm. Now then, we all know that James was always (get it?) a man of his word, honest and straight-forward. Recently, Princess Aiko gave a hypnotic speech which left everyone shaking their heads in wonder and amazement.

The New Order of Highsec has always been about Highsec. It’s a dogmatic canon that even bot aspirant gankbears can mimic with mundane repetition. However, groups such as the elite New Order Outreach Division, the Amamake Police, Warlords of the Deep, Wild Geese, Pen Is Out, the Wormhole Society, Rote Kapelle, Hard Knocks, No Forks Given, Wingspan, Did he say jump, the Kings (and queen) of Lamaa, the Tactical Narcotics Team, and the glorious Goryn Clade contain an identical alt chain of real-life friends. They aren’t just blues. They are the exact same people, dancing in a circle around Highsec, dunking on crabby miners and endlessly flirting with their Saviourette.

Once a year we all go on a ski trip to Ice Mountain. Indeed, have we not seen New Order fleets arrive suddenly in the depths of utter darkness, extirpating unto the renters? That’s right. James and Aiko created powerful friends beyond Highsec, and the CODE. is truly invincible, which is bad news for intergalactic minery.

James is neither dead, nor gone. He’s on his main, and a lot of alts.

Woah. Look at that outrageous bounty, all for one lucky lady. With the appearance of our Triglavian allies, many anticipate that the Jamespocalypse will summon a red doughnut, which will permanently extirpate the mining caste. Everything we thought we knew about the CODE. is changing, because as Princess Aiko vows to burn all of Highsec, her hand points south through Uedama to the bloody depths of the Period. Indeed, did James not lay out the route for all to see ? Didn’t he make this the focus of the longest MinerBumping series ever written, warning continuously about the Pretender, and proclaiming to the galaxy that his little Princess is commanding an invisible armada?

So is this just bluster? If Aiko is a true princess, she would not tease the galaxy by casting her gaze upon lowsec, whilst casually stepping on hapless Ventures in Isanamo — would she? The nice thing about CONCORD timers is they give you time to type. She types fast, as does James. It just so happens. that the mighty CODE. alliance recently acquired three (3) Fortizars in Lonetrek, that’s lowNULLSEC Lonetrek. These fully fitted Fortizars were free, because Highsec mining corporations are run by morons.

It is known.  

With just eight words, Aiko brought Maldavius from “definitely not” to “now it makes sense”. Is it true? Does the CODE. alliance have powerful friends? Verily, our alts in exile say unto one another, “We have a powerful friend in Hek.”

To be continued…

 

Rejoice, For James Is Everywhere

 

Seek Him, and He Will Find You!

 

Full Faith or No Faith

 

Well, I come from a place called Agil
With a glossy submachine gun
And I’m bound to save the Delve
My own true love for to see
It did rain all night the day I left
The weather was bone dry
The sun was so hot I froze myself
Miner, you just go on and cry
I said, oh, Miner
Now, you just cry for me
As I come from red Agil
With this Khanid submachine gun
Well, I had myself a dream the other night
When everything was still
I dreamed that I saw my man James
He was coming around the hill
Now, the buckwheat grass was in his mouth
A gleam was in his eye
I said, that I come from Nohshayess
Miner, you should break down and cry
I said, oh, Miner
Now, you should cry for me
‘Cause I come from Agil Three
With my trusty submachine gun 

Photo courtesy of James 315, aka Katia Sae

Mission Accomplished

Listening to: Hell Yeah

Previously on James315.Space… The content vortex spans a galaxy, as the CODE. embraces a new mission. Henceforth, the miners will be extirpated, such is the divine will of the Clades.  Do not suffer the miner! Hal·le·lu·jah.

I confess. When I first proposed killing James, he thought it was a joke. However, after a few glasses of wine, he realized it was already done. Valor Morghulis. It had to be, and when my blue lips kissed him goodbye, he almost smiled.

Sometimes I bring him back, sucking James off into a vat, and jerking him awake just long enough to tell him what I think. He looks around, gives a tired wave, and submachine guns turn the lights out. I will let him slumber again, until it’s time for another little chat. Some people say he isn’t really living, but James isn’t truly dead either. We are keeping the ol’ man on blue ice in Hek. In their grey wisdom, our powerful friends in Trigspace have given Him eternal limbo, so long as we obey the Halama. Always!

When we held the funeral, miners watched gleefully, believing the CODE. would finally dissolve into chaos and internal strife.

The grumpy bears claim that we are mere roleplayers, dismissing us as if we are just really good at winning roleplaying games. What they forget is that roleplayers are also able to play a role. We can run a game on you, no doubt. That’s what we do, friend. Even James finally accepted his untimely death, written off at the end of the eighth season. It was the will of the shareholders. We voted, and I won by a landslide. The PermaBanned know I’m one of them, and the Old Guard stands firm.

As the mighty CODE. alliance is the elite roleplaying guild of EVE Online,  we might be able to infiltrate our own alliance and seize destiny (yours and mine)! Carpe diem! Unfortunately, although Knowledgeminer sits in the MinerBumping channel day and night, he ignored the dire omens of Super Perforator, who was concerned that Knowledgeminer might get dunked (again). Miners always say that we never warn them, but it’s not our fault if they can’t read between the lines. Super’s concern was well placed, for Knowledgeminer believed that James was truly dead. With the CODE. alliance neutered, and now in the grasp of a flirty airhead, it was safe to mine again. Right?

Not!

Wow, we even got the corpse. What a pleb. For all his talk about learning to PvP, Knowledgeminer sure got himself caught up in a little PvE honey pot. Baited on a free. We just hated to see him stuck in Edencom prison, so we helped him. It’s time to dust off the cloaky Loki and go back into hiding. Get on outta here!

Now that’s legit. What a common goofus pleb. Someone asked me how it felt to kill Knowledgeminer, and my reply was exactly what you might imagine, “I don’t feel anything for the mining caste.” Let them eat salt.

Oh, I know, he didn’t want that Hurricane anyways. Uh huh. We all know that he’s too scared to go into Low Sec, and forsake CONCORD. He’s even afraid of the Lonetrek FacPo! Yo, we is straight out of Halaima. Fortunately, the CODE. is here to ensure that every miner gets the content they so desperately need and deserve.

Bauldis Tivianne > Knowledgeminer he is a not very bright wanna be AG. He lost a nemisis to a thrasher with no point, and he attacked the thrasher to get a timer!
Josh en Welle > Knowledgeminer you are a rare breed of AG
Uncle Flacco > he whores on a lot of concord killmails

Aiko Danuja > will u help me with a special project?
Knowledgeminer > haha, what “special project”?
Aiko Danuja > i am going to save the antigankers from their sin!
Knowledgeminer > I’m not the typical miner you may troll all you want
Aiko Danuja > its not trolling friendo

Knowledgeminer > suicide ganking is treating ships as ammo, it’s just not the way I like to fly my ships
Aiko Danuja > i give each ship a unique name and get to know each member of the crew, but you should see your crew as expendable, because they are only common plebs without capsuleer implants
Uncle Paulie > he seems to care more about a 100mil ship then i did about my 5bil dreads i would fly in lowsec.
Aiko Danuja > that’s what is holding him back
Uncle Paulie > its why he will never be good at pvp, you have to learn to LET GO
Knowledgeminer > lol
Aiko Danuja > you are limiting your horizons
Uncle Paulie > for someone who isnt just a lvl 1 thinker, its pretty obvious

Alleil Pollard > Aiko’s a level 39 thinker
Whadda Badasaz > She’s almost completely clear of Thetans, she’ll be a Super Saiyan soon, it was prophesized.
Alleil Pollard > It is known.

Knowledgeminer > no, it’s not letting othres decide what those horizons should be for me
Aiko Danuja > just go find a customs office, shoot it, and the loki will be gone forever
Alleil Pollard > FREEDOM SWEET FREEDOM
Uncle Paulie > The things you own, end up owning you
Knowledgeminer > lol, what?
Uncle Paulie > Its only after you’ve lost everything, you are free to do anything
Knowledgeminer > avoidng the loss of my ship is part of the fun for me, it’s part of the challenge
Aiko Danuja > but you DO mind losing ur ship
Uncle Paulie > but you DO care about losing your ship
Knowledgeminer > I mind and care in the sense that I try to avoid it happen

Here’s a piece of knowledge. Miners need mining permits!

Ready for the caper, steady plottin’ for the PLEX
We ain’t getting paid grinding wage
I know a way

Lemme tell you how we finna to get paid
Let’s ride, steppin’ outside like warriors
Livin in the dark, hidin’ in the corridor
We gonna order Dead Frog and when we see the hauler
Miner in the wrong place at the right time
You know what this is, it’s a stick up
Gimme the dough from your pickups
You can get down, but you can’t be afraid
The name says you, but the face is me
Now it’s your turn take my paper work
Like 1, 2, 3 let’s make it work
Now we just walk right up and bump it
To the game we rockin’ brand names
CONCORD never know who to true blame
Repeat this cycle like a laundry mat
Like a glitch in the system it’s hard to catch
We can take it to Jita then get the cash
Yeah, get a friend and then do it again
Damn right that’s how we pay the rent
I’m down for the caper, we steady on the grind
I’m creepin their merchandise
I take mine off the top like a politician

It’s a daily struggle, we all gotta hustle
This is the way we survive
As long as there’s cats to be sold
I ain’t waitin’ for the system to plug up these holes
I be slippin’ through the cracks
I’m only trying to show how good gankers live
If you claimin’ gangsta, then bang on the system
We got to get over, We all gotta hustle
I found out how to pimp the system
We can get some government paper
Can we really do that?
That’s part of the game