Tag: The Best Revenge

The Best Revenge, Part 81

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Elite naval strategist Aiva Naali, aka ‘The Supper computer’, aka ‘anaCheeya ANARKY’, aka ‘140 Big Girth’, aka ‘quantum’, aka ‘Agent Anvil’, aka ‘lil Bullet’, was determined to crush Pandemic Horde, directing the Imperium to rain down upon them like a swarm of angry bees. However, war is hell, and that means taxes and line item expenses. Aiva vowed to purchase his seat on the War Council, and was pleased by the presentation of an official billing statement.

Before James 315 passed on, after sipping from that fateful cup of wine which I poured unto him, he begged me to ensure that the full story would be told. An entire galaxy has been torn by the Great War of Aiva, and many wish to hear the inspiring tale of a Highsec miner’s rise to absolute Ascendancy. I am most pleased to continue this narrative, referring you now to a Discord channel known to OnlyFans as Aiko’s Pleasure Palace. It was here that quantum vowed to do everything necessary to defeat Pandemic Horde.

For every problem, there is always a solution, always!

For now, the crucial issue was that lapsed payments automatically triggered a series of routine budget cuts, and late fees would have to be paid promptly to ensure that quantum’s official Goonswarm Director of War Council and Imperial Naval Office of Scientific Research and Applied Development campaign could proceed.

Not surprisingly, Agent Anvil wanted to succeed, but his friends were busy with their own political campaigns. Everything depended upon ensuring that the right people were placed into key positions across the Galactic Council, whilst enemies of the state were sidelined. In particular, the shareholders would soon be electing the next Saviour or Saviourette of Highsec, and the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher!


Although quantum’s campaign staff feared the growing power of Dolphin Don, a xenophobic anti-furfan, quantum reassured everyone that the Mittani would intervene and ensure that the good guys were victorious.


With a powerful friend like the Mittani, quantum was sure to win, provided he could continue with his payments to the Election Fund.

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 80

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, on James315.Space… Ancient prophecies came true, despite vain protestations from the faithless, and Aiva Naali (aka ‘quantum’) decided it was time to get the band back together. As our ‘lil bullet once again sets course toward Chicago Nullsec, we now continue with the rest of the story, as James 315 always intended.

There was only one problem. Just as the mighty CODE. alliance cannot achieve success through fantasy roleplay, neither could quantum conquer the real-life galaxy by raiding the laundromat and an adjacent junkyard. Miners can never hope to become stone cold spacelords, at least not without a little help from their magical friends. As the session’s designated gamemaster, Kalorned described the scene. When our powerful warlord checked his state correspondence, he noticed a bill from the War Council’s Official Financial Group. That’s right, it’s official, and that’s a big deal!

 

It’s easy to dream about building a space republic, just as James 315 once sat in Arvasaras, plotting his fateful course toward Halaima. Quantum knew the direction he wanted to go, but could he afford the butcher’s bill? Indeed, it had been some time since Agent Anvil made a payment, and Goonswarm Logistics was growing impatient.

Like any chief executive officer, Quantum gave the statement a cursory glance…

When you took the sum total which Quantum already paid, exclusive of funds diverted for private luxuries (such as rorquals, mining titans, vanity nyxes, personal hauling service, or ethical skillpoint doubling) and adjusted for various sundry fees and surcharges, it was clear that Quantum owed 20 billion isk (OEIP, or equivalent in PLEX). If he did not pay immediately, late fees would continue to compound, and his War Council Director’s campaign would face a potentially irrecoverable setback. Fortunately, there was some good news. If Quantum paid now, he would qualify for rewards!

The financial statement came with a special message from MiniMed…

Quantum read every word of the memo, nodding with concern at the gravity of a global pandemic. This was no laughing matter!

Aiva didn’t need to write James and beg for guidance. He knew what to do.

To be continued…

 

The Best Revenge, Part 79

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… The elite warlord imperator of Goonswarm was baffled by a vehicular ordinance, designed to facilitate “ease of access” for emergency personnel, who might theoretically require sufficient operational space in excess of 500’000’000 nanometres. Quantum 140, aka Lil’ Bullet Big Girth, was so stingy and miserly, that he couldn’t fathom providing excess space. Would he ever obtain an adulting license without benevolent guidance?

Quantum would often blather on with long incoherent speeches, and meanwhile I might check my email, noting that some people believe this narrative has been invented. I dare say, if you don’t believe we have a highsec miner convinced he is the leader of Goonswarm, then you haven’t understood anything James has been writing about for the past decade. Highsec miners are a very special group, and quantum is a typical bot aspirant.

Unfortunately, as the international order collapsed under the weight of Chinese bioweapons and Maoist insurgencies, poor quantum found his health fading. He even sent pitiful X-rays to prove that he could no longer continue to finance Goonswarm. Alas, the great alliance might soon be left leaderless, teetering upon the brink of bankruptcy. However, when quantum realized the Mittani was counting upon him, he vowed to recover and return to the Battlespace. Would it be possible to expand, or was Goonswarm stuck in a rut?

If Goonswarm’s crack assault troops couldn’t conquer the galaxy, perhaps it was time for quantum to take the lead, like Napoleon at Lodi.

Acting as ‘Agent Anvil’, quantum was convinced he might employ a Nyx to draw enemy titans into a trap. Indeed, if EVE is a roleplaying game, then quantum is a mage-bard. He began preparing to simultaneously cast Abyssal Taunt VI in combination with Detect Spatial Traps IV.

Dear reader, are you wondering how to advance your own EVE career? The lesson should be obvious: find a Highsec miner, do it today, do it now. Shoot him, take his stuff, and seduce him with a fantasy of easy isk and infinite power. Remember, the Highsec miner drools in anticipation. He is the NPC, and you are the BumpMaster! If that doesn’t work, just offer to become his roady (or caddy) and agree to carry his stuff (all of it).

To be continued…

***

BONUS TEACHINGS: It has long been prophesized that a true princess would walk amongst the gankers, shewing unto bot aspirants that the CODE. has a soft feminine side, and demonstrating that miners are disgusting unto Her. Eww! If you haven’t attended your MinerBumping Sunday School recently, you might be super confused, and maybe you failed to notice this little miracle.

Talas Dir, a venerated prophet of the New Order, began his preaching at a time when the power of James was at a peak. No agent would dare question that James was the High King and venerated Saviour. Indeed, Talas did not reject the authority of James, and praised the “brilliance and intelligence” which “laid the foundation” for the New Order. However, Talas asked a question which shocked his listeners, “Where is James? Is James dying? Is it possible that James has already died?” Somehow, Talas knew.

If James were dead, who would succeed Him?

Some miners struggle with lengthy extemporaneous treatises upon the hegemonic nature of power. They thus imagined that James would pick a carebear as His successor. Fortunately, Talas prepared a succinct and compelling oratory which left no doubt that the Jamespocalypse was nigh. He slit the throat of a miner, bathed in tainted blood, and rejoiced at the arrival of a Saviourette. I agree with Talas, She seems pretty legit.

It is clear enough, either Talas was psychic, or someone told him. Perhaps James himself whispered unto Talas the Good News, so that none would doubt the Wisdom and Will. Due to peculiar paradoxes of faster than light communications, it is possible that James learnt of His own death, before He actually died! Indeed, this post was made on May 25, the same day that James acknowledged the deepest desire of His beloved princess .

No Father would hesitate to offer unto the Daughter that which she demanded. James thus concluded with blatant foreshadowing, which all agents of true faith recognized as a signal of what was to be…

“aiva’s council knew that one day they would log into the Discord channel and find it empty. If that happened, they would know that aiva had finally constructed a nuclear-powered, faster-than-light spaceship and gone off to explore the galaxy in real life.”

Yea verily, and the Discord channel was lain barren, and His disciples knew that the real Imperator of Goonswarm had gone off in real life!!! Farewell James, and Long Live the West Magnet! Cardboard is a vegetable!!!!!

***

If you wish to explore the numismatic and stoichiopsychometric basis of CODE. stichomancy further, remember His final missive, as James urged all agents to reread the entire corpus canon of MinerBumping. If you need the Idiot’s Guide, a good starting point is to chart the manner in which James wrote messages in the past, which would only be understood in the  future. For example, consider what He wrote on May 25, 2019 …

 

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 78

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, on MinerBumping… 140 aka lil’ bullet aka GewnFührer Naali has been measuring his girth, for reasons which have absolutely no connection whatsoever to irregular rental payments rendered upon the official agents of James 315, Landlord of the Delve.

In a mysterious Discord, Princess Butter Cupcake has also been struggling to teach Agent Anvil, aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years, aka quantum, how to drive a car. This was done so that the Suppercomputer might obtain a real job and have a real life in a real country doing real adult things like delivering real pizzas (and maybe even working in a real coal mine).

Although his brain was capable of articulating the finer points of interdimensional mechanics, and the application of fluid dynamics in a direct drill approach through the epicenter of Fort Knox in order to assassinate [REDACTED], quantum often struggled with the subtle nuances of the Vehicular Ordinance Code. Fortunately, our CODE. social workers are eager to help. Always!

As quantum’s tutor attempted to teach the fundamental difference between x>500 and x≥500, the other bigger students saw a chance to butt in and grab a little extra credit for themselves. As you might imagine, quantum was not happy, watching helplessly as Tweeps awarded himself a gold star and began strutting around like a huge peacock.

It wasn’t fair! Tweeps took the gold star, and quantum was left with nothing. Indeed, many miners struggle when reality does not fit neatly into their preconceived theories. They desire the ice and ore, and imagine it flowing deep inside, but they never quite connect the dots. Instead, quantum decided to prematurely terminate his education, and skip straight ahead to fantasy empire building, within a fantasy spaceship game. Indeed, his fantasy was a fantasy within a fantasy.


Class was dismissed, and the invisible beehive stirred busily into action, as lanceing fleet buzzed merrily out of the keepstar. It seemed that all was well in the Imperium, but the reality was that Goonswarm teetered upon the brink of bankruptcy. Quantum contemplated various means to balance the budget. Perhaps expenses could be reduced, or maybe increased?


In lieu of a sudden financial miracle, the only possible solution would be to generate maximal science fiction and thereby devise a wholly new fantasy reality within the fantasy within the fantasy.

Verily, if Scientologists can have faith in Xenu, then the Imperium can have faith in Aiva.

To be continued…

BONUS CONTENT: During the previous post, I revealed the manner in which former fans continually pester the General Secretary, nagging ceaselessly about what they would do differently, if only they could do anything at all.  Whereas my post on Thursday was “too short”, the post on Friday was “too long”. If this sounds like an episode of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, then you understand perfectly.

Let’s put on our real talk hat for a moment. Ok, look, if long self-congratulatory essays about myself and my inevitable victory are not your cup of tea, then you might be searching for another Princess. I thus present to you Pink_PrincessXX, better known by her ingame name: La Sirena Octavius.

As you will see, even La Sirena is a fan of the blog, exhibiting a noticeable reaction when she discovers a “not dodgy… rabbit hole”:  DistinctFascistPenguinPhilosoraptor Zoom in on that face and watch closely. Wait for it… that’s right, you know she likes us.

La Sirena went on to audition for the role of authentic CODE. princess, and I have to acknowledge that she might make a valuable member of the Bonus Brigade:  CheerfulSplendidClintSpicyBoytoy I’ll catch you in highsec! La Sirena was thus enjoying her new friends, and whoops!  LitigiousBelovedRabbitFurry

If I didn’t know better, I’d imagine that somewhere in EVE all the elite PvPers are sitting in a secret chat channel and having conversations like this:

Aiko Danuja > theres a streamer in local: https://www.twitch.tv/pink_princessxx
Aiko Danuja > in the tristan
SilverFoX Katelo > ok thx

Eventually, it was time to go, and La Sirena had to admit the truth: RenownedAnnoyingDogeChefAnnFrank At least she isn’t wasting her time in a mining barge, and we hope she enjoyed the chatroom PvP!

Inb4, “You have too much bonus content.”