CSM 18

As leader of the CSM, it is my duty each year to select those individuals whom I deem most worthy. Of course, some people think that I should run for CSM myself, but as a permanent member and the official chairwoman, I have no need to engage in plebian politics. Furthermore, I have no desire to visit some third world ice volcano. No thanks!


Nobody should vote for Mike. Since Mike doesn’t play the game (by his own admission), he lacks experience. Vote for someone who actually enjoys EvE, as it is, rather than trying to turn the game into something it isn’t. Don’t vote for a vanity candidate who pretends the NPE is their area of ‘expertise’, or someone who tries to buy votes by handing out quarter-penny frigates (which somebody else paid for).

To be quite honest, the CSM is a scam. Numerous representatives have stated CCP ignores them. It’s purely a public relations gimmick, which allows CCP to pretend they care, while redirecting customer service to unpaid volunteers. Anyways, although I also don’t care about the CSM, here are my official recommendations (each of whom has generously paid a 1 billion isk sponsorship fee).

Amelia Duskspace

Anyone who hides behind the trig suit is clearly ugly, and Amelia is no exception. However, Amelia’s killboard is nearly as good as mine, and that’s pretty stool. I sure hope Amelia gets elected, and develops enough self-esteem to take off that silly hat!

Nuke Michael

Michael is one goofy looking character, but you can’t deny that he (unlike Mike Azariah) teaches newbros to play the game. As part of our continuing alliance with Snuffed Out, I hereby endorse Michael and wish him the best of luck in Ireland. Remember, if you aren’t voting for PvP players, then you are voting to dilute the game with PvE grinding.

Mark Resurrectus

I’ve heard the rumors, that Mark loves to eat salad, and isn’t even a real wormholer (in fact, he’s just another Goon). Well, there’s nothing wrong with salad, or Goons, so neither allegation concerns me. However, Mark is the only CSM candidate to acknowledge that ganking has been excessively nerfed. This is true! Most gankers have already quit the game, but at least Mark recognizes a legitimate issue.

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Gideon Zendikar

We almost forgot Gideon existed, until we saw him on Twitch. Gideon made a compelling argument. The risk-reward balance in EvE is off, encouraging players to sit in stagnant safespace. We believe that riskier PvE will generate more PvP, and that’s the truth!


It’s hard to endorse Phantomite, because he’s such an insufferable geekster, and nobody likes him. He’s also a miner. I know, because when I told him to calm down, he started sperging, “Reeee I don’t mine anymore, look at my Harbinger reeeee.” Miner, calm down. We are still gonna vote for you, even though you don’t deserve it.

Torvald Uruz

If you want to vote for nice guys, at least find one that plays the game. Torvald may not have a clue, but he has a positive attitude. What a guy! A vote for Torvald is a vote for whatever he stands for, and he’s promised to stop running missions in Highsec.

Cael Caderu

Cael tries to communicate, although he fails to articulate any specific goals or agenda. However, he spends a lot of time cloaked up in some sleepy hole, so maybe he’ll think of something?

Dark Shines

Dark Shines is obviously a carebear pleb. Nobody else would hide inside a nullblob, defending AFK bots. However, at least he undocks, so that puts him well above the competition.


Pando and Dark Shines are literally the same person, so it doesn’t matter which one wins. The Pando alt is more mysterious, and appears to have no specific agenda, but at least he undocks.

White Orchid 0rchid.

White O0rchid is our designated pity candidate. We don’t know anything about them, and that’s their fault, but someone said they are ok. Who knows? Perhaps we will find out…


Although there are other candidates, I cannot recommend them, as they all appear to be vanity candidates.

I wrote a brief letter to encourage each candidate.


Pandoralica has agreed to tattoo my endorsement on his face.

I’ll allow it.

Real Talk

I like to have fun.

Recently, I reported breaking news.

Zazz is a former fan.

Remember the good old days, when Zazz still played EvE Online, after James 315 ragequit two years before?

Haha. Remember that time The Aggressor dunked James, who spent eight (8!) years writing a therapy blog, before disappearing, just like he did after his previous hobby involving… political content?

Me and James 315, we agree on politics like Ocasio-Cortez and Mitch. However, the old turtle has been dead for years. His CODE. was a tea party, astroturfed by George, which collapsed when the bubble burst. I am more sophisticated than that. By applying the principles of Hari Seldon, the Order has evolved into a grassroots autocracy.

Many battles, she emerged victorious,
Leaving her foes feeling notorious.


Bards don’t hiphop for Zazz.

James was a funny man, but I’m not.

I’m just here to help.

Some miners yearn for the old Minerbumping, with Annie Frank who on September 6, 2018, said “You did really good work. I really appreciate your new and different post. Please guys keep it up and share with us some unique post in the futureMenmy shopCar Stereo Double Din Android Player Hyepersonic Double Din Player Hyundai Creta Double Din Player CBSE open school cbse private banzaraon journeyAdj online.”

James always believed in me, even if Zazz lost faith.

I don’t think this is funny.

Who writes erotic fanfic about me and James, in the belt?

I get it… This is an ‘origin’ story.

Grrr. Hulksgarrrrr hathat. Hulkgeddon SMASH

“Praise Aiko!” is reverberated throughout the entire starbase, again and again, as the fleet takes off. Today, the miners will be hunted. Today, the miners will once again know fear.

It goes on, and reaches a happy ending.


Yakuzan logged in, to announce she quit.

Otherwise, she intends to antigank.

Yakuzan theorycrafted a successful ag doctrine.

Fortunately, Yakuzan doesn’t play EvE Online.

Back in the day, Yakuzan was a famous ganker.

This experience taught Yakuzan all the ganker tricks.

She could apply this knowledge to antiganking…

To prove it, Yakuzan orbited a gate in Uedama.

In reality, Yazkuan is just a miner.

Even miners have ships…

…but all 2007 players are failures.

Stupid Bots

EvE Online offers consistent gameplay.

First, you find a bot and kill them.

They don’t seem to mind.

You can tell they are bots, cuz they just keep mining.

Afterward, there’s a meet and greet with local citizens.

Some miners enjoy having a princess in their life.

However, a salty antiganker inevitably arrives.

These miners are especially stupid.

Antigankers are the most incompetent people in the game.

I can kill them with twelve hands tied behind my back.

Naturally, the antiganker spun defeat into delusions of victory.

Curiously, Inquisitor admitted to botting. Antigankers try to defend bots, but the ‘people’ they ‘protect’ don’t care, and aren’t even at their keyboard. Regardless, the antigankers consider this a heroic success, which they fail at continuously.

These miners know ganking isn’t PvP.

You need two players for ‘real’ PvP.

Eventually, the botter returned to his keyboard, discovering that two Macks are missing. As always, he used this as an opportunity to gloat about meaningless killrights.

Of course, he blamed one of his kids, and sought sympathy by pretending to help the other bots.

Miners sure do love mining!

Warcdeck SHAME

Recently, we learned that warcdeck griefing is out of control. In EvE Online, there is nothing you can do to stay SAFE.

I wanted to report this to the EvE Online forum community. However, doing so is a violation of the EULA…

Fortunately, I have a blog.

Thotapleb is widely hailed as the most dedicated antiganker.

He is the only loser of the Guardian Angel Award.

It all started when thotapleb got ganked, after which he began obsessively antiganking empty pods.

Three years later, he joined the once mighty Goonswarm. As readers may recall, this is a carebear’s best revenge.

Now he has to kill 1’309’276 more pods, just to break even.

The biggest joke, aside from thotapleb joining the very alliance which originally ganked him, is this…

Haha, lol, gf!

Despite blobbing like a coward, with 2344 other crabs to protect him, thotapleb failed to ensure that his bowhead followed basic safety protocols, and he got dunked by a lone mercenary.

Next time, stay out of Highsec!

Mission Accomplished

Every Aiko Day, celebrated on June 24, we take time to think about Aiko (that’s me) and worship our (your) beloved princess. However, as CCP has repeatedly nerfed ganking, I cannot deny that my activity has declined. As the most active ganker in the game, those nerfs were clearly aimed directly at me, and I take pride in knowing CCP developers are in awe of me. One of them wrote, “As you might imagine, your name often comes across my desktop…” Indeed!

Over the past few months, several people have taken to routinely messaging me, whenever they feel my activity does not meet expectations. In order to address these concerns, I have decided this is the appropriate time to declare victory and be done with it.

I have already won EvE. I’m a winner! Not in the sense of quitting, but in the sense of doing quite well, and being generally pleased. As a new player, I joined the mighty CODE. alliance, and watched as that alliance died. Afterward, I made my own alliance, and observed as it grew stronger than anyone could imagine.

I think my alliance is amazing. Unlike every other alliance, we tolerate no miners. We are purely a PvP guild, and we do absolutely nothing to help newbros. I’m proud of that. Meanwhile, I don’t know how many records I broke. I don’t even know, because there are so many of them, and I consider that a truly decisive win.

I have destroyed more procurers than anyone else, in the entire history of EvE Online. I have killed more skiffs, more marauders, and more porpoises than anyone, ever. Furthermore, I achieved my victories in the most difficult way, ganking in Highsec, where I was forced to kill the target in seconds (before invincible CONCORD bots automatically defend the target). I’m been playing with a handicap, and I still managed to become #1. I’m not ashamed of that!

I know a few losers are trying to compete, desperately whoring on keepstars and doing whatever they can to catch up. At this rate, if they maintain their current pace (and I stop altogether), it will take them decades. These wannabes made an entire wannabe alliance, and they still can’t catch up. I’ve left them in the dustbin of history.

I know some people won’t understand, but look. It’s like running a race, and I’ve lapped my opponent repeatedly. I’ve crossed the finish line, and am now drinking a nice cool refreshing cranberry vodka. Other people are free to keep running, as much as they want, but the race is over and I’ve already won. I’m gonna get drunk, have a little party, and move on with my life. If you missed your chance, that’s too bad!

You can no longer defeat me, because I’ve already won. It’s over. Let’s say someday down the road, I’m trying to gank a freighter, and you come along to antigank, and by some unimaginable scenario I make a mistake… so you actually manage to ‘save’ the freighter. Woah! Have you won? No. I’ve already won. Nothing you do will ever matter, because you can can’t change history or take back my outstanding success.

What does all this mean? Well, I have no intention to stop. I will continue to gank miners, and record their whiny attempts to emotionally manipulate me with fake suicides. I’ve simply won, and I consider my victory to be permanent, irrevocable, and decisive. Anything I do beyond this point is merely a victory lap, in which I celebrate my success and adorn myself with accolades. What it comes down to, is I’m just not mentally ill enough to think I have anything to prove.

I’ve been playing EvE a fair amount these past few years. I don’t need any justification to do something else. However, if you want one, I’ve been writing another book, and brushing up on calculus. In so doing, I stumbled into a scholarship program for alcoholic young ladies with a troubled past. Lo and behold, I’ve received a scholarship to study electrical engineering. Thanks Lockheed! I don’t really want to, but ok? In a few months, I’ll probably be thinking more about integrating imaginary numbers, and I really just won’t have time to gank barges.

Without further ado, I would like to thank a few people. If you are my friend, great! If not, get fucked. If you want isk, that’s fair, but you will have to wait until I quit (which is not today). Someday, if I realize I’m not going to play at all, I will absolutely rain isk on my alliance. Until then, just know that even if I don’t care, I’m still the best.