To Stupid, Part 2

Previously, in James315.space... Adrien Naline is a filthy boor, who has spent years stalking and sexually harassing Alt 00. She repeatedly declined his advances, and yet he continues to violate her boundaries, because he is a disgusting pig.

EVE Online is best known as a friendly family game, where laggy spaceships slowly explode in glitchy fireballs, much like the three supercarriers my mom lost in Querious. However, there is a seedy underside to the game, and you may be shocked to learn that uncivilized Highsec miners frequently abuse their angelic caretakers.

Alt 00 is often disappointed by Adrien’s toxic behaviour.

Recently, Adrien was inspired by a lovely portrait of Princess Aiko.

However, he soon realized that Aiko is a staunch feminist.

Adrien panicked, as the CODE. alliance is now a mighty matriarchy.

As a weak man, Adrien felt sorely diminished by the rise of a strong woman.

Oppressed by alpha females, Adrien saw only one way to regain his masculinity.

CCP bans CODE. agents for the slightest indiscretion, but takes no action against vile miners. Have you ever noticed this? As Alt 00 was pondering such hypocrisy, she was pleased to watch the passage of Aiko’s entourage.

Adrien was filled with passion, desperately trying to kiss Alt 00.

Other miners urged Alt 00 to lower herself to the depths of depravity.

It was a typical day in Highsec.

To be continued…

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 7

Previously, in James315.Space… A procurer was dunked by Kanye North, but (for some reason) the miners blamed their “wise” Princess Aiko. We did a postgank interview with the bot, and had a little chat. Halandar Uitra is not a happy miner. He got into voice comms, and called Princess Aiko a “fat bitch”, outrageous! Halandar wants every Highsec carebear to check out Aiko, she’s evil and delusional (but cool).

 ***

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space.. . Rudokop Forever tried to trick Adrian Vexier, and his alts reported the loss of a battleship and a logistics cruiser.

Local chat filled with the radioactive tears of a third-rate Soviet gulag, as Rudokop alt Ivan Mihalich SIM wailed in grief.

However, Adrian denied the allegation.

Technically, according to Rudokop, Adrian is a specific form of demon. He is a succubus, a sexual demoness. Once upon a time, Adrian denounced Princess Aiko as “the whore of James”, but karma finally caught up with him.

As Rudokop sought to exorcise Adrian, the ritual drew a crowd of Highsec farmers, who were soon engaged in theological debate.

Adrian suggested that perhaps Rudokop is hysterical, but Rudokop argued that Adrian’s actions constitute proof of demonic possession.

It is perplexing, that Rudokop considered his battleship to be a “defenseless miner”, although this is an accurate description of Ivan‘s combat performance. Regardless, there appeared to be only one way to eject Adrian’s soul from Arraron, and Rudokop thus began casting a counterdemon spell (with some help from his alts).

It did not work, and Rudokop was awestruck. How could such a being exist?

As the days went by, Rudokop grew to accept there was nothing whatsoever he could do, to remove the evil spectre haunting local. He settled for the tiresome toil of the crier, alerting his fellow serfs to the woes and ill tidings of outer space.

Before long, other demons began visiting Arraron, melding with Adrian.

The monsters began to mock Rudokop, their voices echoing across the star system.

Perhaps Adrian is a demonic whore, but what is Rudokop?

To be continued…

 

The Best Revenge, Part 85

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… His grand excellency, aiva naali, aka 140, aka Kingpin, aka the Caravaneer, has been skyrocketing to super stardom. It’s always a total mindtrip, when you officially become leader of the most powerful alliance in the galaxy. I can only imagine how he must feel, to find himself standing astride the shoulders of giants. Indeed, aiva’s name is already engraved in the Hall of Heroes, alongside his esteemed peers: James 315, Leia Jadesol, Zaenis Desef, Kanye North, and the Mittani. Unfortunately, when his laptop suddenly exploded, everything came to a screeching halt.

Fortunately, via his cellphone, Agent Anvil, aka the nullsec nomad, was still able to access the official Goonswarm High Command discord.

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Go Goons!

It is the hub of the hive.

Everybody wanted to play EVE, but Wu Flu was spreading dark gloomy news across the galaxy, and Princess Aiko urged quantum to solve reality.

The Gewnfuehrer just needed three years, and some spare parts, to save New York. Governor Cuomo sends his eternal gratitude.

It was a true team effort, and Goonswarm’s leading industrial experts were summoned, to assemble all the required modules.

Princess Aiko urged quantum to do whatever it might take to save the world.

Just then, Tweeps interrupted with an important announcement.

As always, Princess Aiko kept James 315 updated on every nuance.

The new Slack channel was automated, perfect for quarantined leadership.

Although James intended to pass away, he wanted to ensure his ‘lil bullet was always guided with words of wisdom from above.

To ensure that quantum’s biological needs were fully met, James asked Aiko to join Quantum in the quarantine chamber.

Together, they would wait out the pandemic, just the two of them.

Aiva misspelled his own name, presumably to maintain operational security.

To be continued…

I am PermaBanned

Princess Aiko, much like James 315, is a permabanned hero of the CODE. In her moment of immortal Ascendance, she went out with a bang, dunking on a hapless Venture in Raussinen. As the official Grover Cleveland of the New Order, her reign as Queen Regent has been brief, yet she flares brilliantly like a butterfly in heat.

If you read the dodgy memoirs of grumpy old bureaucrats, Princess Aiko was always a spoiled brat, who merely slept her way to the top. However, those who undocked during the Great War of Extirpation, will often describe her as a brilliant strategess. They also recall blueberry muffins, with soothing cups of chamomile tea.

Aiko’s path to immortality began on a windy Wednesday in 2017, when Sirtech Silicore was arrested by the Gate Tax Collection Agency.

Sirtech slumbered for more than three years, until he finally decided to once again become a new returning player, stealing some ore from Princess Aiko.

Like two slinky cats, Aiko and Kalomira hissed at each other.

Only a GrandMaster could resolve their bitter dispute over mining rights.

Alas, Aiko blasted the wrong Venture.

Kalomira had powerful alts in Highsec.

Felicia Dey is a pillar of the mining community.

When asked for a lossmail, she linked an old MinerBumping post.

It was definitely the same bot…

Innostunut Sonni > miner, please calm down
Magalaus Shardani > im assuming Felicia Dey is british and refering to cigarettes
Zaenis Desef > maybe
Felicia Dey > No you are a bunch of cum guzzling faggots
Zaenis Desef > ALL HAIL Aiko Danuja!
Zopiclone > Thats right
Felicia Dey > Id kick er in cunt\

…with the exact same sentiments.

It really doesn’t like the CODE.

Princess Aiko tried to be diplomatic.

However, Felicia knows an experienced space lawyer.

Another alt’s alt was ready to take down our Princess.

This was no joke.

 

Poor Aiko is going to prison, in real-life.

 

CCP lawyers would never defend our Saviourette.

Aiko tried desperately to plead her case.

Unfortunately, she could not hide her true nature.

At 11:00, the permaban hit Aiko like a freight train.

All we have now are fond memories.

Perhaps, like Grover Cleveland, Our Lady of Agil will return again…

Rudokop Forever, Part 6

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, on James315.Space… Rudokop Forever wasn’t salty, but he was sorely vexed by the demonspawn Adrian Vexier.

After a glance at Killboard, Rudokop discerned Adrian’s snuggly side.

What if Rudokop’s alt, SIM Gallent, could bait Adrian into elite PvP?

Rudokop was sure he could taunt Adrian into making a mistake. His alt left a mobile depot sitting in open space, and waited nearby with a battleship.

The plan was working…

Adrian was about to take the bait…

There was just one significant problem.

Adrian likes traps. He’s attracted to them!

When another alt attempted to help SIM, Adrian smiled. 

Rudokop wasn’t upset, but yet another alt was feeling frustrated.

To be continued…

Stark Raving Mad, Part 6

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… VictorStark Stark and his alt Lilliana Lestrange enjoyed karaoke night, with James 315 and his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend, Aiko Danuja. Victor was impressed to meet the charming head of the mighty CODE. alliance, and was not in the least surprised to learn that Aiko is a real-life princess with an ironclad claim to the Holy Roman Empire. Like any reasonable person, he happily turned over all his isk and assets, even trading skill injectors for skill extractors.

As we saw in Highsec Miner Grab Bag #208, Victor wasn’t an ideal candidate to serve as the successor to James. Nevertheless, James was planning to pass away, and willing to consider trading the alliance to Victor. The interview seemed to go well, and Victor committed himself to the Oath of Poverty. Unfortunately, things took an awkward turn, when Victor failed to show full faith. Elite NOL director Super Perforator encouraged Victor to proceed with his application to CODE. and accept appointment as executor of the alliance, but Victor was focused only on petty pecuniary interests.

Meanwhile, Lilliana was jealous that her main trusted Aiko more than his own alt.

It soon became clear that James might blue pen an alternative candidate.

Victor realized, too late, that Aiko wanted the alliance for herself.

That shameless blue digger cast a spell on James!

Lilliana vented her frustration at everyone in Audaerne.

Anyone might be a Danuja alt…

Fortunately, Lilliana wasn’t salty.

Capsuleers heard a MinerBumping episode was being filmed, and traveled from across the galaxy, with dreams of being cast as an extra.

The conversation encouraged a vibrant discussion of game mechanics.

Eventually, it was a wrap. Everyone got what they wanted, but they naturally hoped Lilliana might return for an encore.

Unfortunately, Lilliana no longer wished to speak with anyone.

She appeared quite mad, cackling hysterically in the middle of nowhere.

Although Aiko was blocked, mysterious strangers let the Princess know that Victor was thinking of her. Might he return for another episode?

To be continued…

 

Taking out the Trash

Listening to: Tripping with the Ducktators

When an attractive girl is popular with boys, it’s not uncommon for jealous rivals and incel betas to scrawl scandalous things about her, on the powder room wall. Recently, I was in the armory polishing an especially large gun, when I noticed something similar written on the bulkhead. Directly under a sign that said, “WARNING: ACTIVE NEUTRON FIELD!” someone wrote a most shocking claim, “NOL IS TRASH!”

I fondly remember the ten days I spent in New Order Logistics, during which I enjoyed hanging out with Currin Trading in a ritzy Perimeter saloon. He spent a lot of time teaching me all about market hedge funds, and generously invested in my lucrative Ponzi scheme. So how could someone think that a fine corporation, led by such an upstanding businessman, is nothing more than ‘trash’? Either they are jealous, or perhaps they have New Order Logistics confused with New Order Logistic?

***

This is trash.

***

This is taking out the trash.

***

When people think of New Order Logistics, they perhaps most often remember John E Normus. Indeed, he was a great quarterback for the team, but I’ve personally been quite impressed by someone called Guybertini. He often works deep behind enemy lines, operating far from the overflowing depots of Isanamo and Uedama. When he drops another Naga upon some sleepy miner, I gasp every single time.

Frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m a fan.

I want to be cool, like that Guy.

He has dunked more than 7500 miners.

Guybertini ejects them straight out of the game.

The aspierants truly appreciate his content.

He’s even got a sense of humor.

This alliance needs alpha males like Guybertini.

Recently, he encountered a Covetor pilot who wasn’t AFK.

Or so the miner claimed…

The bot was studying for a degree in returning space law.

However, instead, it should just study Guybertini.

For some reason, this really upset the goblok.

Maybe, someday, miners won’t be incompetent poors.

Regardless, we will extirpate them all.

 

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #214

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #213

Listening to: Techno House Music Jazz Techno
(featuring Lewak‘s elite parkour)

The Highsec Miner Grab Bag isn’t truly a bag of mail, it’s actually just a folder of screenshots, which sits nicely between two polar opposites: Dracvlad and Guybertini. On the far left is a folder with the final instructions and testament of James 315, and on the far right is a growing case file on notorious criminal Hazen Koraka.

Indeed, my folders are continuously arrayed in this pattern of opposing magnetic forces, with Koraka’s inept random antiganking attempts being perfectly countered by the wise strategic musings of James. Of course, James anticipated the Jamespocalypse, and left me with clear instructions on what to do in the event of his ascension. Someday, when I am an old princess limping around my palatial study, I will publish this final testament. It is truly a treatise worthy of intense study, alongside those written by such legendary gankers as Marcus Aurelius, Musashi, Vegetius, and Sun Tzu.

Each screenshot in the Grab Bag reflects an epic story of heroism, a snapshot of the New Order’s glorious history. For example, stoneface Killervent was sorely dismayed, upon learning he might be expected to pay a penny per day to remain in Highsec. He packed his bags and headed for lowsec, where stoneface Corporation has lost 4.5 billion isk, without accomplishing anything. Despite these losses, they do not dare return to face judgment. They are 100% snuggly ‘pirates’! Perhaps they steal hugs?

At the bottom, I’ll show their one ‘kill’. Can you guess how they did it?

GuiltyDog Denver lost his Venture back in January, and vowed to stop mining forever. He was recently interviewed, and it appears he is not doing well.

We have been learning miner speak. Here is how a crab says “Fuck you, you fucking creatures. Aiko Danuja, suck my cock!” Gross!

Look miners, my boyfriend is God, so you better watch what you say to me. Of course, women are not the only victims of sexual harassment.

I kind of liked the images, but for some reason he stopped sending them.

Hey, it’s not a “High Security” zone because it’s safe to mine. It’s high-security because we enforce the law. Would you start digging at the airport?

EVE University fellow Valiran Teleros has been interning at the prestigious Why Was I Ganked? channel, where he teaches a course on reality.

 

Overall, miners seem pleased with my governance of Highsec. Although they are unhappy about their punishments, they enjoy being civilized.

When you are on the E-team, getting dunked on daily, it’s always nice when the Harlem Globetrotters make time to teach you a couple neat tricks (and some valuable life lessons). Of course, there are always a few bad sports.

Surprisingly, some miners don’t believe I’m a real-life teenage princess.

Princess Aiko Honoured in Amarr

That thread featured an encounter with Arrendis, an incompetent writer (and failed logistician) who is eternally jealous of James 315.

For example, look what grumpy Arrendis had to say about dear James, within my James 315 Day post. It’s just positively shocking. 

Calm down miner.

Regardless, most people instinctively acknowledge my elite noble lineage, and they understand that I’m definitely not roleplaying.

It’s just a real pleasure to spend time with me.

 How about that stoneface Corporation ‘kill’?

When do the days get better?
Tell me, when do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
Well, the days get better, when you decide.
When you decide.
When do the days get better?
The days get better, when you decide.

 

To Stupid

My friends come to me for advice and emotional support. Sometimes, they just want the galaxy to know about a goofus miner. As a beautiful woman, Alt 00 often encounters a form of communication which is familiar to elite alpha females.

That’s right. Today, we are going to talk about sexual harassment.

I fuck you on all fours, room whore.

So listen to me good stooge, your mistress I’m going to put her on all fours, and put her deep in her ass.

Your princess, I fuck her.

Alt 00 is also a courageous survivor of mining abuse.

She hesitated to speak to a man about this, but knew another woman would sympathize. Of course, Alt was sure James 315 would understand, but couldn’t shake the fear that he might think less of her. She was so ashamed to admit the things that miners say, and worried James might want nothing to do with her. Would he blame her? Would he secretly believe she encouraged it, that she desired this toxic attention?

Your typical miner is a lonely man, frustrated that nubile women aren’t interested in stories about Veldspar or Spod. Alt has repeatedly informed Adrien Naline that she will not date him. Miners are disgusting. Gross! Adrien doesn’t really care about mining permits or the eternal consequences of his sinful ore habit. He just wants one thing. Alt declined the nauseating offer, but Adrien is simply too stupid to understand.

From time to time, Adrien will drink a little courage, and try again.

Adrien thought about his feelings for months, and eventually decided to propose. Of course, Alt had no interest in such a terrible arrangement.

Recently, she was sorely dismayed by the death of James, and wondered if Princess Aiko would ever allow James to become God. In her grief, Alt went to mourn in Halaima. Eventually, she returned home to Nakugard, dressed in black.

Her beautiful eyes were hidden by dark sunglasses. Alt 00 was sad, but found solace, her faith renewed amidst despair. She was saved and born again.

Like many men, Adrien desperately intruded into a personal conversation.

Alt and Ehnea Mehk tried to continue their private discussion, gently hinting to Adrien that they really weren’t interested in him.

Adrien was in the ‘mood’. He only thought of himself.

Ehnea tried to get Adrian to understand how he could comfort Alt, but he believed that being obnoxious is how you attract a lady.

Meanwhile, local miners gathered around to view a portrait of their chaste teenage Saviourette. They seemed to really like her.

Aiko’s portrait drove the miners into a wild frenzy.

To be continued…

Kage Rage, Part 8

Kage Rage, Part 1

Listening to: Tech House Mix

My dear sister and esteemed colleague Alt00 painted another beautiful portrait, inspiring me to continue migrating the MinerBumping artwork. If it’s been awhile since you checked out our elite CODE. Art, come check out the gallery!


Previously on James315.Space… kage1982 was not at all salty as he counted to 100 over and over, but he was clearly ‘griefing’ the CODE. agents of Isanamo, who winced as they were forced to repeatedly clean up kage’s debris.

kage1982 > do you know how to stop crying?#i bet when code players go to bed they check under it for kage before they sleep he he

Woosh!

My big Your Awesum Brutha has an interesting theory. What if kage actually is upset about all those ships he lost. Is kage too stupid to know his own mind?

Our agents pride themselves on being open-minded, reflecting carefully upon their own moral shortcomings. My Your Awesume Brutha was tormented by the accusation that he might be a real-life pedophile. He thought for a long time, searching deep inside himself for the remote possibility that kage might actually be right. Ultimately, after a thorough psychoanalysis, he concluded that it just isn’t feasible.

When kage contacted his local police department, they confirmed that the CODE. only bumps miners (that’s spelled with an E).

Perhaps kage was transposing his own flaws unto my Brutha?

kage1982 > her ass is the size of frieghter no doubt
Whadda Badasaz > You know Aiko is a 14 year old child in real life, right?

Aiko Danuja > he isn’t salty though
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja like the inside of your mouth for ten dollars

kage1982 > Aiko Danuja hey dont talk with your mouth full that guys paying them 10 bucks cheeky maire
Aiko Danuja > What do you mean, my mouth isn’t full ??
kage1982 > awww kid , does daddy call it something else 🙂

kage twisted the facts and reflected everything back on my Brutha.

He became obsessed with both Ernst Steinitz and especially my Brutha. kage can’t stop their ganks, but he really likes to watch.

YIKES

kage is jealous of their relationship. He can tell, from her grace and charm, that Aiko is a real-life teenage princess — but he doubts Ernst.

Inevitably, the other miners became tired of kage’s prattle.

kage enjoys attempting to follow CODE. fleets, often warping to the wrong belt, and the miners have concluded he must be an incompetent CODE. scout. Sometimes he arrives long after the gank is over. Why is he even there? Perhaps he is an elite CODE. supervisor, verifying another successful gank?

They began to dock up whenever they saw kage.

My Brutha sought to reassure the confused miners.

Ernst was worried about kage’s mental state, urging him to stop failing daily.

However, kage still isn’t upset.

When my Brutha’s hot Austrian girlfriend came over to watch Netflix and chill, his character stayed logged in. kage sat outside feeling lonely.

A few days later, Ernst and my Brutha discussed the situation.

One thing is clear, the CODE. has truly affected the culture of EVE, as miners know and understand that ‘miner’ is an insult. Indeed, mission accomplished.

kage eventually had a big announcement. He is a professional CODE. hunter.

He even led a three man taskforce to take down Ernst.

Quint is a highroller with a couple dollars in his pocket, and a desperately autistic desire to have someone notice him. Initially, he wanted to fund ‘bounties’ against some random corporation that dunked his mining ship.

However, Quint soon realized who the real celebrities are.

So Quint picked a more exciting obsession.

It was an exciting opportunity for kage.

To be continued…

Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Yep yep yep
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
I’m winning
Yep yep yep
I knew from the start
That I had to come back again
Purple dots, flashing lights
I know I can count on you
I want to see you tear it up
No matter where you are
Here I am once again
I feel like I am trying
So make your move
Step across the line
Keep the frequency
Keep it coming
Keep control
Bring it back
Panic
Panic
Panic
Just don’t stop
I wanna take you on
I feel so freaky good
The galaxy is mine
Panic panic
Panic panic
Panic panic
My house
I can say
I can say
I can say
Put it all on the tab
The galaxy is mine
Here I go