Hard as f

How you doin?

BREAKING NEWS

I’m kind of a big deal.

Don’t worry, I’ve got something special for you.

That’s right.

You love it.

Princess Daniel

In a galaxy full of men, it’s natural to wonder whether Princess Aiko is actually a beautiful young lady in real-life. Is she really the heir to Ibiza? Did her daddy truly buy her a penthouse in the Perimeter keepstar?

emperor 003 came to my Why Was I Ganked? channel with shocking news. Princess Aiko is actually some guy called Daniel, who lives in Chicago.

Some miners began to doubt Aiko is even a teenager.

Still others were intrigued by ‘Daniel’.

Emperor really doesn’t like Chicago.

He also doesn’t like the number 315. He prefers 003.

CODE. is nothing more than a Chicago numbers racket.

After 003 weeks of investigation, emperor discovered the ‘truth’.

Everyone was impressed, and wanted to see if emperor could find them as well.

PLOT TWIST: emperor never actually did any research or investigation.

His credibility began to plummet.

I did a Google search, and ‘Daniel’ doesn’t seem to actually exist. I’ve redacted the surname, on the off chance CCP bans me, but I don’t think this is a real person. Indeed, Daniel later denied that he ever included a surname.

Daniel realized that I was investigating his investigation.

He clearly hadn’t done his homework.

emperor claimed that Princess Aiko doesn’t exist, but actually Daniel doesn’t exist.

Inconceivable! The coup attempt failed.

Princess Aiko was once again hailed as a true lady of Agil.

As for emperor003, it turns out he isn’t even an emperor. 

 

 

Corporal Jimbo

BREAKING NEWS

CCP Convict was recently cited for illegal mining.

Loyal citizens quickly reported him to the authorities.

Convict only pretends to be a lawful miner.

Bystanders watched uneasily, as Convict began digging unsafely.

 

 

Not surprisingly, Convict is a known criminal.

Several bears were concerned Convict might be a victim of cyberbullying. They urged him to move to safe nullsec, where everybody is polite, and nobody pays rent.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programme.

Cargo Bandit spotted an excessively laden over-dimensional Sigil.

The driver was predictably abusive.

 

Supposedly, what CCP meant by a game of EVE Online, is that everyone can undock and endlessly AFK as they acquire easy isk. Surely CCP desires a utopia of carebearism, a roleplaying game without any roleplay-police-terrorists. What do you think? Is the CODE. a greater concern than the Chinese xeno virus (aka Wu flu)?

Back at the station, officers listened as the defendant tried to justify his actions.

The charges were most serious, with grave consequences.

Count 1: Transport of illegal contraband, with intent to distribute.

Count 2: Failure to maintain an undock permit.

Count 3: Inappropriate conduct, unbecoming of a Highsec citizen.

To be continued…

 

 

Fuck! #3

Previously, in James 315 Space, miners learned a new word.

Sometimes, they can’t spell it.

Regardless, they love to use it.

They know exactly what it means.

It has something to do with sex.

It also has something to do with me.

I think they want to fuck me.

Oh yah, they want it so bad.

Some miners even like my mouth.

I like it too!

They also want to fuck my friends.

I’m so glad the miners are content.

Such happy little bears.

They are even learning other languages.

“Go fuck morons, frostbitten!”

“Asshole, fuckers!”

“Fuck you, pindos!”

They sure are learning a lot!

I’m glad we met…

…and got to know one another!

 

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #221

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #220

Hello friends.

Miners truly appreciate our hard work.

You can tell by how not upset they are.

At lot of people think I’m the best. I can agree with that.

“You stupid European bitch, brains in your skull like a mosquito fucked, such scum as you are better to destroy in the womb, for more than sitting fucking in your isolated barn and poking at the buttons of the mind is not enough.”

I’m a Lady, and miners love my content.

Some of them don’t seem very sensible.

However, I’m sure they learnt an important lesson.

At the very least, they seem to enjoy mining, and reading my blog.

They can tell I’m a nice girl, and they’d like to meet my mother.

“I’m going to shit on your fucking mother, fill the cone with worms like your son of a thousand parents, I hope you die of AIDS, you and all your fucking chestnut, disgusting daughter.”

I know what these bears really need.

I want to make them happy.

They are gonna get a whole lot of it.

Every goblok is gonna get just exactly what they deserve.

It’s gonna be fun!

Everybody is gonna have a great time.

I guess some things never change.

 

 

What About MinerBumping?

A lot of people have been wondering.

Perhaps, you noticed the old MinerBumping channel seems small, empty, and filled with dusty cobwebs. Frankly, James 315 doesn’t care about that channel. It’s dead to him. It’s dead to me. It’s dead to us. We are now well into the Jamespocalypse, so antiganking spammers are free to enjoy that channel’s utter lack of moderation.

It’s not the first time James has switched channels. I should know!

The New Order is not stagnant, and we have moved on to the promised channel of milk and honey. Here, we have our very own Princess.

Indeed, James prefers his new channel, Why Was I Ganked?

He endorsed it. It’s official.

It also poses a great question.

Did you really think James forgot about the miners?

Somehow, I know exactly what he wants.

The old channel served a purpose, once upon a time. However, it also encouraged stale repetition, docked up sycophancy, and cringy roleplay. Gankers squabbled over who is most beloved by James, and who is the true heir (or heiress?) to the ice throne. In stark contrast, the new channel leaves no room for doubt, with stimulating discussion on a pertinent topic. It’s more focused, and better moderated, for our strategic purposes.

Of course, by now, everyone knows about James and Aiko.

Some people just have it all backwards.

Regardless, our new channel is the perfect place to meet dead miners…

…and listen to their endless praise.

Meanwhile, we intend to kill the bears…

…and bring them to justice.

We can help them. We will save them.

It’s what James told me to do.

He made me your Saviourette (yours and yours).

He even taught me how to make a website.

I’m doing a pretty good job. Outstanding!

The diggers are starting to understand why I’m here.

They know what I bring to the table.

Oh boy, there’s a content train a’comin.

Choo! Choo!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deal Storm #3

Previously in James 315 Space… suki lost a Mackinaw, and paid 100 million isk to get it back. Maybe it exploded, but perhaps it dropped as a lootable item? Princess Aiko is a nice lady, so suki paid twice, and bought an Orca for another 100 million. He also paid 30 million plus 10 million plus 30 million. He did it again (and again).

Even antigankers stand in awe of me, and well they should. EVE is a game, like Monopoly. Except, when I visit your Boardwalk hotel, you will pay me for the privilege of my presence. Also, why don’t you hand over those blue cards, thank you!

Back when I invented isk quintupling, I understood the importance of a solid telemarketing script. Once you bring the client into a money funnel, you don’t want them to escape. I eventually realized you don’t need to return any isk at all. Just keep being honest, and calmly explain the terms and conditions. You will quintuple your money in no time! Suki owed me 100 million isk. He also owed 30 million isk for shipping and handling. Oops. I typoed. He actually owes me 40 million isk. Why did he only send 10 million more? Shipping and handling is 70 million, so he just needs to pay 30 million!

It’s ok to improvise and innovate. Jerry Rin might be dead and gone, forever and ever, but Aiko is here to save you. Just listen closely and understand. Shabba wabba doo wat do wat. 10 million? 30 million? 40 million? 50 million? 100 million? Just send me all your isk, just send it all to me, and I’ll spend it on myself.

Did you ever wonder how Aiko got so space rich?

I’m soooo good at EVE. I’ll let my assistant take over.

Oh boy, suki is about to get his Mackinaw and an Orca!

I even helped out antiganker Talivaldis.

Sometimes, I make it rain.

10 million isk for a mining permit? Haha, I think we can do a bit better.

Alas, poor suki was bankrupt – or was he just lying?

He paid Talivaldis twice, then he paid me thrice more.

I just need (another) 100 million!

We aren’t done suki. There’s no escaping the spider queen’s web!

I love to suck men dry, and they kinda enjoy it.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Newbro PartTimeJerk got dunked in his Venture. Three times, according to zKillboard. EVE would be boring without the CODE.

***

DOUBLE BONUS: I sure do love shooting bot Ventures!

 

 

 

 

Deal Storm #2

Previously in James 315 Space…suki storm lost a Mackinaw. In order to get a new Mackinaw, he paid 100 million isk to Princess Aiko. Rewind. Before paying 100 million, he paid another 100 million.

Aiko Danuja > hello miner
Kalorned > Hi!
suki storm > i’am not miner do’nt take the risk
No Bodiei > Aiko is drunk

Aiko Danuja > Suki, pay me 100 million isk or I will gank you again
suki storm > it was my first dit to minning since a moment i can do some mistake no ?
Aiko Danuja > I will destroy another miner ship, unless you pay me 100,000,000.
suki storm > i have no isk by you fault

He claimed to have no money, but miners are liars.

Aiko Danuja > Once you send the isk, I will send you a receipt as confirmation of payment. If you do not pay, I will not allow you to mine.
suki storm > i hav” just 4million in my account

Aiko Danuja > Good, now find another 96 million.
Buttercup Potemkin > hurry up miner
suki storm > if you continue to speak as this i go to be rebel
suki storm > you think you can destroy a kronos in few second ?
Aiko Danuja > i can kill a kronos easy
suki storm > with what you kill a kronos XD
suki storm > yeah it’s really my problem

He still needed to pay 100 million isk.

That’s 100 million, not 4 plus 96. He also needed to pay 30 million isk for shipping. Er, um, 40 million. No, I didn’t mean 30 million plus 10 million = 40 million. I meant 30 + 40 = 70 million. Hurry up, miner!

suki storm > your number is your power that’s all
Netheril X > Did I make you cum when you blew up my ship?
suki storm > i want just play i, peace
Elise Shomitzsu > No wonder no one likes this shit game.
No Bodiei > suki storm u have to pay for pillow talk
Aiko Danuja > Elise is just grumpy, because her mackinaw exploded.

So suki paid, and paid, and paid again (and again).

No Bodiei > you won’t see anything like this anywhere else in eve. It;s like one of the great wonders of eve that should be seen on a grand tour

He also needed to tip the delivery driver.

It is customary to also tip the other driver.

The standard tip is 30 million. I mispoke, 40 million. That’s 70 million! Or 80?

If there is a third driver, you must tip again. Always! The fee is just 30 millon. I mean, 40 million, 70 million!

This is the art of the deal.

Shipping is free, but you have to pay the Uedama toll (again)!

It’s just 30 million. I mean, you owe 40. So 70, right?

Don’t forget about the other delivery driver!

Fortuna Avarice Cash > ruthless
Blackcobra14 > i wish i could be drunk, this would be more fun
Valiran Teleros > It’s a bad habit. Don’t do it.
Talivaldis > what a wonderous and joyful thing to behold the princess
Purgo > Amazing Aiko

To be continued…

Mean Man Vale

Recently, I was out dunking sad little Ventures, when I came across a mining Tayra. I naturally checked for a permit, and was thoroughly disappointed to realize that Vale Toralen is a common ore thief. I waited patiently for him to acknowledge me in local chat, but he was AFK, in violation of the CODE.

When he woke up, Vale wanted to discuss his feelings.

After this abusive tirade, everyone rushed to console me.

Meanwhile, Vale began to write me.

He’s gonna sell my killright, IRL.

Apparently, I ruined his empire.

He will send CONCORD after me, and all my friends!

He’s gonna report me, and I will be banned!

Does he even know who I am?

He is serious, with a powerful main!

I tried to help him calm down.

He is sending 100 alts after me, a teenage girl!

He’s also selling my info!

Hold on now, is he threatening me?

I think he likes me.