kalo loses a Venture

Listening to: Melodic Techno Mix

Previously in James 315 Space… kalo kohan lost a Venture.

Afterwards, he got a letter.

kalo got beat by a girl!

He knows exactly what women need.

At first, kalo tried to reason with her.

Then he became angry.

That stupid girl!

Where is her man?

kalo struggled to express himself in any known language.

He just wants to see me again.

kalo feels so confused.

His feelings defy logic.

She seems to really like him…

…and kato is a waiting.

He loves his prinsesa.

What is he saying?

Surely, a true Princess would understand him?

What a wonderful lady!

I don’t think we need to translate that one.

Men!

I know they like me.

“Yet I urge you to be kind.”

Aw, he’s in love!

Isn’t that cute?

I know what he needs.

He needs me!

I hope he finds a nice mining girl.

 

100 Billion!

As your official Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce that the mighty CODE. alliance continues to win daily.

That’s right.

This is some high praise!

I’ll allow it.

I like when people pay me to endorse myself.

Tweeps has been funding the alliance for a long time.

I imagine she will continue.

I’d super hate to be on her blacklist. Tweeps has so many alts, like literally thousands. It would be nigh impossible to play EVE, against an enemy who can destroy an entire alliance, without even bothering to login. Fortunately, Tweeps likes the CODE. and that’s part of our secret recipe — we have powerful friends in Highsec.

When I first met Tweeps, people told me to be careful. They said she is a dangerous evil scammer, who would take everything I have. Actually, they had it all backwards. Tweeps is really great, and I’m also like totally invincible. Everyone should strive to be more like Tweeps, and send everything they have to me.

Tweeps celebrated her wise investment, donning a party hat of solid gold, inlaid with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, amethysts, and chunks of pure zydrine.

In the old days, James would tip his own hat, in honor of such tribute. As a Princess, I can offer a slight wave of my hand, and perhaps a little something extra.

As word spread, spontaneous celebration erupted within the sacred Minerbumping channel, where everyone loves me.

Of course, friend.

We also had a big party in Teamspeak.

Everyone was invited. Some people were afraid to come, because they are intimidated by a strong woman, but apparently Aiko is really nice. Everybody enjoyed the opportunity to mix and mingle with their Saviourette, discussing personal goals, and how the OHNO! treasury might benefit their corporation.

Praising spread through every channel in the galaxy.

We had a super swell time.

Eventually, all parties come to an end.

Let’s do it again!

I was trying to decide if I should buy a fifth Titan, and intervene in the war. However, Magalaus Shardani had a much better idea.

Let’s just kill the bears.

All of them.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

 

 

 

 

Big Deal

Listening to: Indestructible

I’m kinda like a big deal.

“You fucked up whore”

“You shit jew sympathizer.”

In any culture, or language, they know I am.

“Well it’s fun to have a Donald Trumpette in EVE Online”

They understand what I want.

“fuck you shit”

They’ve studied my law.

“We have to respect the CODE…”

“…and better purchase a mining permit.”

They have it memorized.

They can sense what I need.

They love what I do.

They can’t get enough.

I love it too!

I’m gonna give it to them.

They’ll just keep coming back for more.

James told me to never stop.

He wants me to continue.

Always, means always.

I’m your Saviourette (yours, and yours).

It’s not roleplay.

I’m just so perfect in every way.

That’s why James gave Highsec to me.

The CODE. belongs to me now.

So I’m gonna finish the job.

Welcome to the future.

I’m invincible.

That’s right.

Another time
To carry the colors again
My motivation
An oath I’ve sworn to defend
My true vocation
And now my unfortunate friend
You will discover
A war you’re unable to win
I’ll have you know
That I’ve become
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I’m an indestructible master of war
I carry out my orders
With not a regret
A permanent reminder
Of how we began
No hesitation
When I am commanding the strike
You need to know
That you’re in for the fight of your life
You will be shown
How I’ve become
A terror to behold

 

We Wish You the Best

Miners deserve their fate.

When I caught Sabbat Saint, with his hand in the cookie jar, I just couldn’t allow him to steal my ore. He was executed, in accordance with the law — my law.

Every now and again, crabs try to flex. They claim to have powerful friends in Highsec, proudly presenting someone else’s elite credentials.

Sabbat considered himself to be above the law, simply because he joined a Potato Alliance, which literally anyone can join.

Sabbat felt he was negotiating from a position of strength. Therefore, when we confronted him about his use of foul language in a family game, he paid no heed.

Little did he realize, Executive Potato Kalessi Kashada was watching.

Are PvE bears exempt from the law, simply because they know a ganker in Jita?

Sabbat Saint > i dont mine shit i dont mine…an ore in an iki who the fuck mines in an iki. i love that you call me a miner. what is that i dont know how to shoot rocks
Sabbat Saint > Aiko Danuja like my balls fuck yeah haha
Sabbat Saint > i love that your clit is the size of a button its a little rub me nub and that your a nice and quick shot no one wants to waste all day
Aiko Danuja > What does that even mean?
Zharayah Shardani > i think it means one pump chump
Sabbat Saint > and my balls are presented for you to have a lick. hard day of work
Miners-are-second-class citizen > very abusive sub species

I took out my pink highlighter…

…because that is no way to address a Princess!

This morning, Sabbat had an appointment with Human Resources.

The CEO made an executive decision.

Sabbat is a rotten potato.

He should watch his tone, when speaking with a Lady.

I’m ready for his apology, and 315 million isk.

This incident sparked renewed interest in the CODE, amongst various miners who try to relax within the potato patch. Concerns about being ganked led naturally to discussion of James 315, and his vision for the future of Highsec.

I certainly will!

 

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 10

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James 315 Space... Rudokop Forever was trapped in Soviet hell, beset by spooky American space devils. They were always there, communicating via hyperspace, and hunting him down. His alts began to die, his drones disappeared, and his Orca was buffeted by things that go bump in the night.

Rudokop knew that human sacrifice would placate the demons…

Adrian Vexier was thus compelled by the power of prayer, leaving Rudokop to mine in peace, with a set of cheap drones. Of course, Adrian’s spaceship had a mind of its own, and began gently bumping into Rudokop’s orca.

Rudokop sensed weakness, and decided to take the offensive.

Restrained by BoB’s love, there was nothing Adrian could do.

Rudokop finally had the upper hand.

The next day, as they were leaving the Bleaklands, James was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his alts heard him say it.

On reaching Jita, James entered the naval yard and began driving out those who were buying and selling. He overturned the tables of the money doublers and those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to haul merchandise through the gates. When evening came, James and his alts went out of the spaceport. In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Currin remembered and said to James, “Hearken ye forth! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

Curses are powerful spells, which can reverse the course of history. Rudokop knew the time had come to employ this spiritual nuclear option.

He completed the curse with a quick chant, and Soviet runes.

Yea, and it was verily done.

To be continued…

***

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Pay Your Rent

Every now and again, a new returning player will come to EVE, and they will decide to be a whale. They pay CCP a bunch of money, and CCP is happy to accept, because they know the New Order is here to balance the budget.

When James 315 made me the official executor of the mighty CODE. alliance, passing mechanical control into my dainty palms, he had one request, “Kill the miners. Kill them all. I don’t care if they are a two-day old noob Venture, or a Marshal, I want you to burn them out and utterly destroy them. That is my Will, and you are my little Sword of Restoration.” Well, I didn’t feel my dizzy self was up to it, but when the Supreme Protector gives you a direct order, you don’t sit around questioning His wisdom!

I was in a tizzy, unsure how to proceed, but people like Cargo Bandit heard my siren’s cry. They materialized out of abyssal space, ready and able to enforce the CODE. One glance at pokoko, and Cargo knew what to do.

It’s not easy dealing with miners. They lie, cheat, and try to scam us at every opportunity. pokoko didn’t want to pay 20 billion isk for her mining permit, even though it was offered at a fair and reasonable market rate.

pokoko joined my invincible Why Was I Ganked? channel, watching with uncertainty, wondering if permits and rental contracts are actually a valid part of EVE gameplay. However, as Blake McAllister of the honorable New Order Mining Authority conducted business, pokoko could see this is all routine. Unfortunately, pokoko is a tight-fisted Scrooge, and she roleplayed as a despicable poor.

Cargo knows how much I love the miners, just as James always did, and she mercifully offered a generous discount rate.

pokoko decided to play hardball, but Cargo offered a clear warning.

This got pokoko thinking. Maybe citizenship is desirable?

A valid CODE. mining permit guarantees safety in nullsec, lowsec, and jsec, and it also ensures absolute immunity across the entirety of Highsec!

pokoko could see the New Order is bustling, and the clock was ticking…

To be continued…

***

BONUS: The Saviour of Highsec is now a sexy Saviourette, and everyone has been wanting to show their unconditional love and support. Minerbitch thought long and hard, concluding that you should add SIMP 4 AIKO emojis to your Discord server. For one billion isk, you can have your very own submission tag.

After reviewing around one hundred variants, I finally settled upon my personal preference, which has a nice outline.

I like the attention. It makes James jealous.

I’n drink

This bonus room just got out of control, and I’m sitting here finishing a bottle of cranberry vodka, not really sure what to write.

People have been submitting quality content, and I want to write something, but that would also require me to sober up and actually do my job.

One of my favourite blog topics is myself.

I also kinda like Guybertini.

I don’t mind sharing this sacred space with others. Last night, I went on a sleazy date with some loser, and he was trying to get the details on what exactly I write about. I explained that people from all over the world write gibberish, and all their insane hatemail gets sent to me. I’m the disorganized center of the universe.

I checked out Twitch, and invited a streamer to my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel. It’s obviously the best channel in the galaxy. Like, hello? This nullbear was concerned that CODE. ganks hapless noobs, but when I dunked on a nineteen day-old Venture, even he had to admit this is amusing.

Let’s just face the facts, ok? James 315 put me on a pedestal, which confirms him as the coolest man in the history of EVE…

… and I’m just happy to help.

I love shooting miners.

They totes deserve it!

So, like, I’m not gonna stop.

I’m just getting started.

 

Europa Aiko, Part 2

Listening to: Sundown

Europe Aiko, Part 1

I feel like the galaxy revolves around me. My mom says I’m just a spoiled brat. The therapist says I’m a narcissistic sociopath, with underlying psychopathies. The grumpy bears claim that I’m a lawful evil space bully, and the police insist that I’m no longer allowed to dollar double at Wal-Mart. However, Li Gazer could tell that I’m a true Princess, a verified Lady of Agil. Li01 Gazer also saw the good in me, and so did Li02 Gazer, Li03 Gazer, Li04 Gazer, Li05 Gazer, Li06 Gazer, Li07 Gazer, Li08 Gazer, Li09 Gazer, Li10, Li10 Gazer, Li11 Gazer, CoverAgent, and MiFreightergirl.

We threw a surprise 65th birthday party for Li, a real-life Wiccan warlock, and leader of the all-star Mining Witches for World Peace. It was a lot of fun.

At first, MiFreightergirl thought we forgot about Li’s birthday.

Consequently, our initial encounter was a little awkward…

… nothing that couldn’t be resolved by a friendly chat.

All the space lawyers agree. This is required, by law.

Mi eventually calmed down.

So we got Li & the Mining Witches into Teamspeak.

At first, Li tried to scam us.

However, we soon developed an understanding.

I’m a nice girl, a Princess actually, in real-life. When I gave him Daddy’s phone number, Li consulted Google, and confirmed that I definitely am heir apparent to Savoia and the entire Hapsburg realm. I already knew this, of course, but Li was pleasantly surprised to meet a real-life Lady. His tone and demeanor immediately changed, after Lisa Tears described all the charity work that I support with my prestigious Oxford Fund. For the first time, Li understood the awesome power of the CODE.

Li was no longer a bitter old man, swearing and cursing. Instead, he was transformed, and felt young again. I naturally sang the Happy Birthday song, and then Li enjoyed some traditional karaoke, gleefully singing Bombs over Baghdad and about fifty-five other songs. I’m pretty sure he was drinking, as he began openly fantasizing about a beautiful woman who plays EVE naked, wearing only a tiara. My goodness! He really seemed to like the idea, almost as much as he liked the idea of multiboxing rorquals.

There was magic in the air, as Li held an official Wiccan séance. He cast a white spell of invulnerability upon me, solemnly summoning the magnets of the north, east, south, and west. Everyone witnessed Aiko become invincible, and thus it was time to transfer everything to James 315, because that’s how these things are done.

James 315 is the most trustworthy man in EVE.

Li was having a great time, headed straight to the Delve. On the way, he needed to make a quick stop at Aiko’s Tranquility Trading Tower, located in beautiful Perimeter. Li was duly impressed, when he saw my private space station.

It took a while, but each and every Li had their moment of glory.

One by one, they enlisted in the mighty Goonswarm Federation.

Even MiFreightergirl agreed to go ‘over there’.

In a game like EVE, friendship is truly overpowered.

As I played my lute, the Libots hopped into a biomass grinder.

On a whim, Li sold his soul, for a new Rorqual main.

I’ll see you in 1DQ, friend.

***

Dumb miner, you better take care
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
You can see me lyin back in my satin dress

In a room where I do what ya don’t believe

When I get feelin better, when I’m feelin no pain
When I feel like I’m winnin, and I’m winnin again
I’ve been lookin like a queen in a carebear dream

I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in my lovin is your first mistake
And I don’t always say what I really mean

I’m a hard lovin woman, and I’m feelin mean
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
Sometimes, I think it’s a shame
Sometimes, I think it’s a sin

***

 

To Stupid, Part 3

To Stupid, Part 1

When the Saviourette happens to be a beautiful young woman, miners take notice. They like what they see, but don’t like what it means for their wallet.

Previously, in James 315 Space, Alt 00 was concerned about a troublesome miner. Naturally, I understood right away, what she was dealing with. It’s just not easy being a lady. Female gankers have to work twice as hard, both dunking the foolish miners and simultaneously fending off their amorous advances.

Adrien Naline still doesn’t understand why Alt won’t put out.

He makes her uncomfortable, not just in-game, but in real life. It is disturbing to realize that someone is fantasizing about mining your mouth. It’s even more alarming when you notice that multiple men share this same obsession.

We try to be polite, but miners constantly push our boundaries.

We only want their money, and assets. That’s it! There is no need for unsolicited poems, rambling mails, and invitations to visit San Diego. 

This just continues, year after year…

CCP protects carebear mining autists, but the CSM is a bastion of toxic masculinity, and the angels of Highsec endure endless abuse.

Adrien yearns to abduct Alt 00.

Like most stalkers all miners, he is mentally unstable.

Fortunately, us girls know exactly how to deal with men.

Of course, they often respond inappropriately to rejection.

Ginger Ale907 posted an offensive image, which was not censored.

View the scandalous image, at your discretion!

CCP just doesn’t care, but even Adrien was shocked.

The other miners didn’t understand…

… but Adrien is starting to get it.

Gankers don’t date miners.

Rudokop Forever, Part 9

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space… Adrian Vexier upset Soviet goblok Rudokop Forever, who sent an alt to discretely warn Adrian’s alts.

Sim Gallent aspired to bothood.

What happened?

Everyone agreed, this was for the best…

…despite objections from Rudokop.

Alas, the Jamespocalypse fell upon Arraron, and Rudokop feared that ghastly creatures from EVE Online were spreading evil in reality. He finally understood who was bumping his Orca, it was none other than Erotica 1, the Devil himself!

Rudokop may be a Soviet miner, but he is also a pious orthodox Christian.

Or maybe, he is just a salty roleplayer?

Regardless, Adrian wanted him to be a happy miner.

Alas, Rudokop is perpetually upset.

Adrian just can’t stop winning.

Rudokop just can’t stop whining.

He will cry forever.

To be continued…