Isanamo Ventures

Like many Zionists, Goldstein simply wants money.

Fortunately, more experienced miners can help.

Alas, all miners must die. 

Of course, it would be anti-Semitic to think all Zionists are miners.

Indeed, Shekelstein kills miners.

He seeks to create a holy land, free and pure.

However, bigots like Toekeshi oppose this dream.

Such people are consumed by hate.

Toekeshi began chanting, as Shekel cleansed Isanamo.

Docked up, with no spaceship, there was nothing else to do.

Toekeshi wondered, whether Shekelstein might be an internet tough guy.

Actually, Shekelstein is a big strong man, in real life!

What a stud.

 

 

 

icecreamtruckicecreamicetruck

You’d better hurry, or you’ll miss the train.

Choo! Choo! All aboard!

I’ve seized control of the once mighty CODE. alliance.

This boat is finally starting to move.

We are steadily expanding into new uncharted territories.

We are a powerful nullsec empire.

The nullbear whore gnashes her teeth, and knows mine name.

That’s right.

You miners better be scared.

Otherwise, you are definitely gonna die.

Silly bears.

It’s just good business.

Let’s fight!

 

 

 

Only in Olfeim

Listening to: Friends in Low Places

James 315 taught us to be scared of lowsec, because we cannot gank without CONCORD protection. I always hesitate before heading there, knowing it is safer to go the long way round, with my faction police escort. However, the new Safety. alliance includes members who have never even spoken to James.

Julian Snelders was recently hanging out in Olfheim, a scary 0.4 place which is rumoured to harbour mean space griefer bullies. Julian sure was surprised, when he discovered that pirate captain chummstick was just a typical Highsec miner.

chummstick was amazed by Julian’s elite PvP prowess.

After conquering Olfheim, Julian decided to rule the system in my name.

It sure is a small galaxy.

Pro tip: Look how much better my screenshots are!

After encountering me in Isanamo, noks1k fled to Olfeim.


Did noks really think he could escape the long arm of the law?

To be continued…

The last one to know
The last one to show
And I saw the surprise
And the fear in his eyes 

‘Cause I’ve got friends in low places
Where the Tengus cloak
And the tidi chases my blues away
And I’ll be okay 

Think I’ll slip on down to Heimatar
Oh, I’ve got friends in low places
Blame it all on my roots
I’ve been there before

 

 

 

 

WEahwewaneawlnsx

Not everyone is happy with me.

Some people don’t like my friends.

I don’t understand why.

Is there something wrong?

Maybe they are just lonely.

We all miss James.

I’m sure he will return, any day now.

Meanwhile, I think he would be proud of what I’ve done.

At least, I’m not docked up in Poinen.

Right?

 

Various Happenings

Ernst Steinitz heard disturbing rumors, emanating from the belt.

After a thorough investigation, the rumormonger was apprehended.

Pix Severus has also been placing containers.

I hope Pix is still placing containers. I’d like to see more of them. 

Did you ever play agar.io? I was talking with Krig Povelli, and we agreed that EVE Online is basically the exact same game. You go around eating little mining dots, and it’s funny when carebear blobs explode.

There’s a lot of funny stories, I can’t possibly tell them all. Like the time antiganking Satanist Winky Winkers666 was defeated by empty pods in Uedama. Apparently, he accidentally shot a new ganker, and CONCORD jumped in to help the newbro.

Oof, I’m tired. I wanna tell you about Globby though.

Globby is one of the best players in the game, and when I heard Goonswarm was beset by carebear hordes, I agreed to let him save the Delve. Here, like the Marquis d’Lafayette, he teaches nullbears about the CODE. Globby’s great victory in the battle of 5-CQDA will long be remembered as a turning point in the history of EVE.

Here’s a livefeed of Pandemic comms.

Globby is awesome.

Primary is… uh…

He’s the best.

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 93

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… The long Antarctic winter cast frigid winds across the southern hemisphere, and the mighty High Lord Space Star avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka Australian Excellence, aka loyalanon, aka aka, was determined to survive long enough to seize control of the galaxy.

avia was concerned the Horde might attempt a winter offensive.

Meanwhile, Goonswarm’s elite Military Intelligence SIG reported otherwise.

Princess Aiko did not share avia’s concern, but he knew better. The vile double traitor Vily might, at any moment, decide to betray the Swarm.

Indeed, the strategic balance of power was shifting, exactly as avia planned.

Triumphant in his glory, the ‘lil bullet, aka 140, knew victory was in his grasp.

His terms are most merciful.

Pandemic Horde will be exiled to Highsec, and that whore Elise Randolph will be sentenced for life to Kamio IV belt 4, permanently confined in a mining Tarya. With these details settled, avia returned to the ongoing war.

Inspired by the tale of Globby, avia continued to produce new supperweapons.

The Suppercomputer also ordered the creation of a wormhole truck stop.

At times, it was necessary to address financial matters, and avia requested that his personal secretary, Princess Aiko, provide him with an official receipt.

Finally, she processed the requisite paperwork.

The Director Level Buyin Confirmation Security Card serves as High Lord avia’s official laminated ID badge, allowing top security clearance in all Goonswarm affiliated organizations (including the town of Pearl River). Furthermore, it doubles as an Ice Mountain Ski Pass, during the annual alliance trip to Colorado Springs.

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 91

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously in James 315 Space… Goonswarm has a new FC, the High Lord Sky Marshal avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka ‘lil Mittens, aka James 315 2.0, aka He Who Knocks Upon Stars. avia recently transcended space, time, and basic mechanics, learning to master the ultimate power of the galaxy. Rat bombs and rweaking ballquals exploded across nullsec, as avia developed increasingly powerful supperweapons, becoming the first capsuleer in history to proclaim himself Queen of the Rats.

Unfortunately, the power of a rat queen is too awesome to behold, and avia forbid Goonswarm to ever use this weapon of sheer terror and infinite destruction. Even if all of Delve were lost to the Horde, and the Horn of Gondor shattered asunder, only a fool would dare to summon the dread Leviathan Cthulhu.

Now that he possesssed infinite power, avia resumed taunting Pandemic Horde from the MinerBumping.com blog comments. As avia knew, MinerBumping was the center of the Imperium, and an ideal place to humiliate his enemies.

Pandemic Horde spies worked overtime to try and mislead avia, pretending that there was no war at all. However, the truth is now plain as day.

avia gloated over his foolish adversaries, revealing that the entire war has been just a mere training exercise for the Imperial Navy.

As Pandemic Horde writhed in misery, caught in avia’s web of training skank traps, he dutifully made another payment to fund the mighty swarm.

Now that bills were paid, it was time to issue new orders.

AGBee 001 was directed to make a leap frog attack. Meanwhile, lanceing fleet caused chaos, and cloaky wolves permanently blocked the road to Jita. In the rear, a line of rorquals firmly blocked Pandemic counterattacks.

With their frontline torn asunder, Pandemic Horde was sorely unprepared for phase II of the operation. Sleeper agents, hidden inside the Horde for years, suddenly awoke and volunteered for guard duty. These spies let dancing fleet slip deeper inside Horde’s inner nest, triggering awestruck confusion wherever they might cast their allure. In turn, this provided cover for logistics spies, who systematically photographed schedules, and placed grenades into the very cogs of Pandemic industry.

However, could avia survive a harsh Antarctic winter?

To be continued…

***

BONUS VIDEOS: Have you ever wondered what Ventures do after they get podded? Where do they go, what do they think about? Fortunately, McDubbzyTTV was streaming his own afterlife. Is this the start of a war?

 

 

 

 

Good Morning Kiddo, Part 2

Previously in James 315 Space… Governor Lee aspires to Absolute Order, and Yes Mr Cheng is a good boy (who has done nothing wrong). I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. In Star Trek, there is an alternate opposite universe, where everyone good is evil, and everyone evil is good. In this bizarro dimension, James 315 is a space Maoist, who yearns to be the Servitor of Highsec. Instead of successfully ganking illegal miners, Absolute Order agents prefer to failgank innocent Catalysts. 

Yes Mr Cheng was minding his own business, when his twisted alter ego opened fire with a Caracal Navy Issue. Krase Stolkar didn’t do any damage, but he nevertheless proceeded with Absolute Order protocol, declaring a backwards victory. Apparently, there was a method to this madness. While Mr Cheng was laughing about the suicide Caracal, Krase reshipped and smuggled an entire Orca through Isanamo!

When Sargon noted that he now has a killright, Krase wasn’t amused.

The following day, Krase decided it was time to write an essay.

Krase is a tycoon, earning as much money as a sweatshop worker in Bangladesh!

He isn’t upset about his Caracal.

In real life, Krase has a Haas Super Mini Mill.

He also owns multiple budget carriers.

I hope to learn more about the renewed adventures of Governor Lee, and his merry band of Absolute Order rogues.

 

Fuck! #2

Fuck! #1

I woke up, admiring my long legs, in a beam of Uedama sunlight. Jason Kusion poured me a nice cool glass of cucumber water, “Hello, beautiful!” Dolphin Don chimed in, “Good morning, Princess.” Krig added, “Hey, baby.” It was the start of another great day, but I wasn’t sure what to put in my awesome award-winning blog. I undocked in my beloved pink Catalyst, which has 3887 killmarks, and reclined in my premium pod goo. Finally, I checked my email, and realized exactly what I want to do.

This is some unknown indecipherable sub-dialect of… Cebuano?

Yes, beautiful Cebuano, the language of Vasaya.

I think I know what he means…

The poor fellow lost a Venture.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Primary is the Providence.

 

Shoot on landing.

 

 

A hard knock

OFFICIAL NEW ORDER ANNOUNCEMENT

As your Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce a promo contest.

I would never want my actions to conflict with the infallible judgment of James 315, so I cleared this with him via seance, and the ouija planchette pointed at me. I suspected that Kroppina was manipulating the board, but Alt 00 saw it move autonomously. This demonstrates that James truly loves me. I also sat for three hours in a dark room, watching a candle, and it flickered when I whispered his name. Once again, this confirms beyond doubt, that I am the one true heiress to anything and everything.

With great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to officially endorse this contest. James wouldn’t want us to merely sit in station, docked up and praising his name ad nauseam. He always detested sycophants, who need him to authorize each and every decision. Nor is he satisfied with those who merely undock and gank. He expects us to be civil, creating art and culture, beyond the bare minimum. I know this, because we are intimately mind melded, forever and ever. Amen.

I agree wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no interest in EVE Online, but I have every interest in the Order. This galaxy was once ruled by a fickle demon, the cheater BoB. James killed this beast, and a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. In this way, the galaxy finally became interesting, and with the help of the VCBees (and a certain Khanid princess), James saved everyone from eternal boredom.

Once upon a time, Katia Sae decided to visit every star system, and took screenshots to document her journey. This sounds absolutely dreadful, mainly because Katia refused to engage in any actual gameplay. When other spaceships appeared, she would simply log out of her client, waiting for them to go away. In some cases, a stalemate would last weeks, and it took more than a decade for Katia to navigate her tiresome path. CCP likes to celebrate this ‘amazing’ journey, but it’s really just a testament to how incredibly boring EVE can be. Some players literally spend years doing nothing much.

Alani Prinz offers 315 Catalysts, to whomsoever submits the best photo. Since the rules are unclear, I will make them up as I please. Our contest will continue for at least one month, and there must be contestants. Images should be high resolution, and full screen. Furthermore, they must show someone doing something honorable, like piloting a Catalyst or dunking a Venture. As an example, Alani submitted this fine image.

***

Of course, a Saviourette’s work is never done.

Mrs Curtain is a plebeian of Hard Knocks, which rents several wormholes from me. When she accidentally fell out of her hole, Ernst kindly evicted her.

James would be proud, to know that Ernst is still out there, keeping Highsec safe from riffraff and vagrants. Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain did not appreciate his hard work. Instead of paying rent, she tried to scam him!

Ernst is no stranger to wormholes, and he sternly advised Mrs Curtain to speak with her feudal overlord. Educate yoself!

As you should know, Loroseco is a powerful friend in j-space.

If you ever get suspicious, that everyone in the galaxy is conspiring against you, well — they probably are (the exact same people).

Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain doubted the truth.

Someday, she will learn the hard way (again).

*WARNING*

Yonder day of judgment be nigh at hand!