Still Down Bad, No Cap!

Some accuse me of griefing and bullying poor Lazar us, but mostly I ignore him, because I’m busy ganking other morons. However, from time to time, I tune into his stream and wonder. Is it so hard to admit that AFK mining is a dumb idea, and stop trash talking literally everyone (including your own fleetmates)?

At this point, lazar, your best bet is to make a new character and never stream… because everybody in the galaxy is going to keep poking you.

Look, friend, I’m not sure if you can read. Regardless, you had a chance to be like Hukra Austral, but it’s a little late for that.

Your space lawyer is not helping your case.

Fortunately, I survived the ban poll.

The Intergalactic Summit has also rejected your plea.

The sheer hypocrisy, an Amarrian calling for freedom?

I’m a PROUD daughter of Khanid, Amen!

My favourite part of tonight’s space adventure was when someone joined your stream with the name Prazesico. Pretty cool!

I also liked watching you AFK mine in lowsec.

I guess we aren’t afraid of lowsec?

Surprise!

Just calm down

Miners often struggle to remain calm.

Don’t go out and mine, if you can’t afford the fine.

We are here to help.

ANT77 was having a particularly rough time.

Even CONCORD was ganking him!

Fortunately, he made a new friend.

A lot of miners are finding their home in Princess Aiko Hold My Hand.

It’s a safe place to mine.

We are even endorsed by EVE University.

Miners don’t always understand what is happening.

However, they are happy to belong.

Everybody loves to be part of a winning team.

Big Winnings

On his stream, CORE. hating miner Lazar us hosted a big giveaway, handing out 1000 PLEX to myself and other gankers. He also sent a videocard to Zigam. This didn’t surprise any of us, as Lazar’s only viewers are gankers.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
BREAKING NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The once mighty CODE. alliance was based in the Citadel, but lackluster enforcement barely extended beyond the hubs of Uedama and Halaima. Whilst CODE. sycophants celebrate their meaningless roleplay victory, I have led an offensive northeast, toward mutinous Usi. Enroute, I noticed something.

After eight years of so-called governance, CODE. only managed six kills in Auviken, an 0.8 with stiff CONCORD bot protection. However, with just one gank, the much mightier Safety. alliance might utterly eclipse CODE.

Done and done. Sentel Erkinnen’s barge was the seventh thousandth illegal vessel to face justice before Princess Aiko, and the destruction of his pod has ensured that our glorious alliance is ranked higher than CODE. Even now, sullen roleplayers are lowering the orange flag, as troops parade in honour of their Supreme Leaderette.

Some CODE. bears whine, “Aiko, why have you done this to the legacy of James? Have you no shame?” I say unto them, thusly, “Whilst ye were docked up in Poinen, metagaming badly and praising James ad nauseum, I was killing miners.”

As written in the Halaimas (3:15), “Beware of false agents, which come to you in flashy red, but inwardly they are ravening gankbears. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Not every one that saith, ‘Praise James! o7’, shall enter into the kingdom of Hek; but he that doeth the will of James who is permabanned forevermore. Many will say to me in that day of Jamespocalypse, ‘Aiko, Aiko, have we not prophesied in James’ name, and in His name have cast out miners, and in His name purchased many New Order shares?’ And I profess unto them, ‘James never liked you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.'”

If only James were still alive, he would rejoice and praise my name. He would be glad to know that someone has kept the CODE. safe, and he would not hesitate to send me 100 billion isk, because he loves me forever and ever and ever.

Good fight!

Aiko Always Aiko Always

Highsec is in good hands.

Miners can cry all they want.

I know exactly what they need.

Someone once said I’m the most spiteful woman ever.

The only thing that matters is this…

…a lot of miners are going to die.

I know you want my affection.

However, if you break the laws of Halaima…

…bad things will happen.

You won’t even understand how.

Bystanders will stare in awe, discussing your sad fate.

You will not be pleased.

So send me more isk.

Thanks!

Fortnite is Plebville

Fortnite is for plebs. In a world of blind poors, the one-eyed man is king. It was thus that Lazar us declared himself a ‘professional’, and decided to up his game. He downloaded EVE, started a corporation ‘squad’, and became a BILLIONAIRE Highsec miner. Someone stole his first Orca, but Lazar continued his space adventure.

Lazar was pleased to have so many new Twitch viewers, but was disturbed by the random ships bumping into him… and the “weird” Jackdaw, Firetail, Tengu, Buzzard, and various Catalysts following him from system to system.

Hiding his location didn’t seem to help.

Lazar was beginning to suspect that EVE is a PvP game.

Before long, his friend was gone.

Carebears whine and complain, claiming that we grief and bully newbros, but we did our best to show that EVE is a worthy challenge.

Lazar appreciated this, and began renouncing his “stupid” friend, making it clear that EVE is only for the most elite gamers. Unfortunately, he judged poorly, and accepted William Rageclaw (of minerbumping fame) as his personal white knight mentor. By the way, if you haven’t read my other blog, now is a good time. Anyways, Rageclaw advised Lazar to try PvE missions, with a predictable carebear result.

Afterward, Lazar’s capsule tried autopiloting to Jita, before returning to Amarr. He raged for hours, cursing anyone and everything (including Rageclaw).

I remember the moment I sat in lowsec, listening to creepy space music, and realizing that I didn’t have a friend in the galaxy. Lazar had this same epiphany in Highsec. His newbro bluster was gone, replaced by a thousand yard stare.

Yes, EVE is a battle royale PvP game, and everyone here is either going to kill you, enslave you, scam you, disappoint you… or seduce you.

He was surprised to learn that I’m a Princess.

Like most men, he soon hit me up on Twitter.

I know how to turn boys into men.

Lazar is finally ready to play EVE.

I wish him the best of luck!

Pandemic Blues

Our elite nullsec forces continue to dominate the Expanse.

Mick Jee was frustrated when Panbears couldn’t wouldn’t properly fit their barges.

Tarkay Utrigas wondered how his fellow miners could be so poor.

Truthfully, we have infiltrated the Horde, at the highest levels.

Their intel channels are utterly worthless.

However, mining foreman Scorching Bagel Twice has no time to defend his fleet.

Consequently, some miners have capitulated, paying tribute unto their Highsec overlords.

It’s our little secret.

They dared us to go to null, and so here we are.

I’m just a girl, but I’ve got a lot of boyfriends.

So just watch what you say.

Someone might be right next to you, in your corp and in your fleet.

I can be a little mean.

Some guys kinda like that!

Travels

I’ve been learning how to govern the galaxy.

I’m starting to get the hang of it.

Recently, I went on a tour of my extensive holdings in Piak.

Local miners immediately began to moan.

Afterward, I reviewed my vast holdings in Oipo.

Eventually, I encountered the village idiots.

They had some concerns about my playstyle.

They apparently think I’m a terrorist princess.

Why haven’t I been banned?

I think it’s because CCP likes me.

I’m pretty goshdarn awesome!

I’ll see you around!

Uedama Today

Welcome to Uedama.

It’s a great place to hang out with friends.

It’s like going to the club.

There’s only one problem.

Your ship might explode…

So come on over, and check it out.

Everybody is here!

You might even be a winner!

Are you feeling LUCKY?

Newbro haulers are especially welcome.

We’ll be waiting for you!

Kelroth, Part 3

Listening to: Tyrant

Kelroth, Part 1

Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Sievert Solutions was a salty antiganker crybaby Mormon. He took to the forums, warning New Eden about the rise of a powerful new force. Whilst other antigankers celebrated the slow decline of the CODE. alliance, Sievert knew that something wicked this way comes.

Everyone concluded this was just the ranting of a Highsec carebear, but deep in the subterranean archives of the New Order Historical Origin Society (NOHOS), the story of Kelroth is preserved as a pivotal moment in galactic history.

The New Year began with dire omens, for the Jamespocalypse was nigh. Elite Amarr ganker Lovin Jr was surprised to find an Enforcer loaded with skill injectors, and even more surprised to encounter the same goofus in a Magnate full of skill injectors. Shortly thereafter, a young Princess Aiko was contacted by Kelroth, who invited her to Teamspeak where they plotted against Lovin Jr.

Surprise plot twist! Aiko and Lovin are IRL friends.

Shortly thereafter, Aiko arranged an in-game meeting with Kelroth.

Kelroth bought a mining permit.

Sievert watched in horror, as the spider queen spun her web.

Kelroth gave Aiko another billion, plus a fifteen billion advance on Lovin’s bounty.

Sievert couldn’t believe Aiko’s dank tics.

Meanwhile, Kelroth was pleased to receive VIP status.

Aiko decided it was time to send an agent to Amarr.

Her scout reported that Kelroth was handing out Large Skill Injectors.

It was time to summon the girls!

To be continued…

Busy in Alikara

Miners really appreciate our content.

They recognize me as their official Saviourette.

They are always watching yours truly, their living Goddess.

I’m the best friend a miner could hope for.

They don’t always understand.

However, they respect my pedigree and lineage.

Indeed, they are truly grateful.

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Don’t forget your mining permit!