The Lawsuit

The tale of Lazar us is being ‘censored’.

Today, I received formal notification of a pending lawsuit.

I used magical spells, forcing Lazar to break his mother’s favourite glass.

I’m a real-life witch!

I’ve done a terrible thing.

So I met with Lazar’s space attorney.

At first, we did not reach an agreement.

Is it morally wrong to PvP in a PvP video game?

Justice in Gaming is sexist.

However, he eventually declared me the winner.

We agreed that Lazar owes one billion isk.

We also agreed that he is utterly incompetent.

I demand unconditional surrender.

Unfortunately, the space attorney went too far.

He committed a serious criminal offense.

I have no legal recourse left.

We must continue to fight against these space bully griefers.

They want to exterminate us.

They will never stop.

We must exterminate them.

Lazar us (again)

You might think, by now, we would be bored of Highsec miner Lazar us. Surely, we have something better to do? Many whiteknights have thus come to me, whinging that it’s unfair to bully this poor young miner, who just wants to mine AFK (literally) and autopilot while he is in the bathroom (not washing his hands).

My answer to them is this: EVE is a sandbox, if we don’t like AFK miners, then we have the inalienable right to establish a civilization which forbids AFK mining, and we may enforce our laws as we see fit. Lazar has been repeatedly invited to speak with us, and purchase a mining permit, and he has instead chosen to be a criminal. That’s his choice. It’s not what we wanted for him, but unfortunately we cannot make exceptions to the law. If you are yourself a streamer, please note that streamers are not exempt from the law – anything you say or do can and will be used against you.

People are getting better at documenting our effort to convince Lazar to treat EVE with more dignity than Farmville. Here’s a nice video where Lazar lectures us about ‘harassment’ (miner talk for ‘law enforcement’) and breaks his mom’s glass.

Later, he apparently broke his cellphone.

All this causes us to question his mental state.

Some speculate that Lazar is pretending to have mental deficiencies. I conclude, as his space psychologist, that this young man exhibits a learning disability known as Dunning-Kruger Syndrome. When someone suggested he learn to D-Scan, this overwhelmed him with feelings of incompetence. He wants to be the best, but he is not, and this generates psychological dissonance. Unfortunately, being a crybaby is not a free pass to talk shit and play terribly. I would encourage him to calm down, and send me isk.

If you are still unsure whether Lazar is hypersane, watch this.

Videos often disappear from the internet, but art is forever. With this in mind, zuzzik has commissioned the following.

 

Not bad!

whatevs

Miners are disgusting.

They are cowards, afraid of real PvP.

They don’t want to pay for Safety.

They hate me!

They love me!

Miners need discipline.

Ok, it’s Lazar us time!

Previously, he handed out gifts to his ganker viewers.

Since then, he hasn’t done anything interesting.

However, Sargon made a fun little video. Cute!

I’m sure we will see more Lazar content.

Meanwhile, I’m gonna go shoot some miners.

Just calm down

Miners often struggle to remain calm.

Don’t go out and mine, if you can’t afford the fine.

We are here to help.

ANT77 was having a particularly rough time.

Even CONCORD was ganking him!

Fortunately, he made a new friend.

A lot of miners are finding their home in Princess Aiko Hold My Hand.

It’s a safe place to mine.

We are even endorsed by EVE University.

Miners don’t always understand what is happening.

However, they are happy to belong.

Everybody loves to be part of a winning team.

Big Winnings

On his stream, CORE. hating miner Lazar us hosted a big giveaway, handing out 1000 PLEX to myself and other gankers. He also sent a videocard to Zigam. This didn’t surprise any of us, as Lazar’s only viewers are gankers.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
BREAKING NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The once mighty CODE. alliance was based in the Citadel, but lackluster enforcement barely extended beyond the hubs of Uedama and Halaima. Whilst CODE. sycophants celebrate their meaningless roleplay victory, I have led an offensive northeast, toward mutinous Usi. Enroute, I noticed something.

After eight years of so-called governance, CODE. only managed six kills in Auviken, an 0.8 with stiff CONCORD bot protection. However, with just one gank, the much mightier Safety. alliance might utterly eclipse CODE.

Done and done. Sentel Erkinnen’s barge was the seventh thousandth illegal vessel to face justice before Princess Aiko, and the destruction of his pod has ensured that our glorious alliance is ranked higher than CODE. Even now, sullen roleplayers are lowering the orange flag, as troops parade in honour of their Supreme Leaderette.

Some CODE. bears whine, “Aiko, why have you done this to the legacy of James? Have you no shame?” I say unto them, thusly, “Whilst ye were docked up in Poinen, metagaming badly and praising James ad nauseum, I was killing miners.”

As written in the Halaimas (3:15), “Beware of false agents, which come to you in flashy red, but inwardly they are ravening gankbears. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Not every one that saith, ‘Praise James! o7’, shall enter into the kingdom of Hek; but he that doeth the will of James who is permabanned forevermore. Many will say to me in that day of Jamespocalypse, ‘Aiko, Aiko, have we not prophesied in James’ name, and in His name have cast out miners, and in His name purchased many New Order shares?’ And I profess unto them, ‘James never liked you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.'”

If only James were still alive, he would rejoice and praise my name. He would be glad to know that someone has kept the CODE. safe, and he would not hesitate to send me 100 billion isk, because he loves me forever and ever and ever.

Good fight!

From the Aiko Files

As my level V file management system teeters on the brink of collapse, I look for inspiration in the tier III archives, which are intermingled with maps of Gaza and the West Bank. Without further ado, here’s a flashback straight out of the Aiko files.

simanos6989 was in trouble. His cargo manifest contained restricted evaporites, and he had no idea what they were, or why they were aboard his vessel.

simanos couldn’t explain himself.

Princess Aiko (just a mid-level bureaucrat in a stagnant dying alliance) rolled her eyes and admired her nails, whilst the miner struggled to provide an excuse.

Evaporite smuggling is a serious criminal offense.

The interrogation proceeded, according to protocol.

Aiko was frustrated. The laws of Halaima were weak, a pathetic formulation which only permitted her to gently slap the nasty miner’s dirty wrist.

Aiko’s fellow agents were equally dismayed, wondering whether it would ever be possible to achieve any semblance of law and order.

Aiko wondered if it might be possible to PvP miners out of existence.

They say, somewhere out there in the dark void, simanos89 continues to autopilot in a ghastly hauling ship. He travels from system to system, treating EVE like a science-fiction version of Euro Truck Simulator. James 315 may have given up altogether on achieving any success, but Aiko is not yet ready to surrender. 

 

Lazar Ragar

Previously, we met Highsec miner Lazar us, who continues to struggle with the fact that EVE Online is more difficult than Fortnite. Unfortunately, although Lazar voluntarily broadcasts himself to the entire galaxy, he seems to consistently regret this (and winds up deleting all videos and clips). Luckily, someone took the effort to record a few clips, and someone else uploaded them to the galactic interwebs.

Thanks to everyone who creates and preserves  important moments in EVE history.

If you encounter such glorious moments in your own exciting space adventure, rest assured that Princess Aiko Danuja is here to ensure that your heroic story is not lost to the sands of time. Feel free to contact me (and send isk).

DISCLAIMER: Several whiteknights have contacted me with grave concern about the continuation of “toxic CODE. style ganking”, which they view as a form of “spacebully griefing” which is “illegal” and likely to cause “severe mental distress” for carebears. Rejoice, knowing that Princess Aiko will never hesitate to assist those who dedicate their lives to the mindless repetition of boring stale content.

If you find this objectionable, you may file complaints with James 315, who will respond just as soon as he feels like it.

All the money

It sure sucks to lose everything.

Am I a down bad girl?

Maybe I’m just scared.

Perhaps, I’m racist against carebears.

Yea, and the Jamespocalypse did render Safety unto the miners.

So we are gonna keep going.

It’s not always the most engaging gameplay.

Our opponents aren’t exactly competent.

However, I find this rather amusing.

Also, I appear to be winning.

I like that!

Still Down Bad

Previously, we met Lazar us, an incompetent Highsec miner. We learned he is an infinite salt mine. Lazar deleted his videos, in which he began crying, and raged so hard he fell out of his chair. I guess he just doesn’t like me.

He is nauseated by my crying miner tattoo.

I don’t know why, other miners love my tattoo.

Lazar hates the CODE., even though he can’t spell it.

He is down bad, bros.

Meanwhile, his stream is becoming more popular.

Even high ranking carebears are watching.

On the forums, Lazar learned he is the victim of cybercrimes.

While on hold with his ISP, Lazar read his chat.

He was not surprised to learn Aiko is a thot.

How could he defeat her simp army?

Meanwhile, Lazar and his friends continued to lose.

They tried to spin defeat into victory.

Before long, they decided to blackmail Aiko.

They have all her private photos and videos.

However, Aiko was not worried about that.

She already seduced one of Lazar’s miners.

So he started killing miners.

If you can’t beat them, join them!

PSA

It’s important to follow Safety. precautions.

An official inspection might happen at any moment.

We have developed a holistic system to facilitate your training.

If you follow our advice, you will succeed.

If you disobey, you will have unexpected visitors.

They might arrive when you are distracted.

Sometimes, they stay a little longer than you like.

Sure, you can pretend you don’t mind the inconvenience.

You can even make your own ‘laws’ to defend yourself.

However, eventually, you’ll start to notice a consistent pattern.

You’ve already lost.

That sucks!