Official Home of the New Order of Highsec
Miners are disgusting.
They are cowards, afraid of real PvP.
They don’t want to pay for Safety.
They hate me!
They love me!
Miners need discipline.
Ok, it’s Lazar us time!
Previously, he handed out gifts to his ganker viewers.
Since then, he hasn’t done anything interesting.
However, Sargon made a fun little video. Cute!
I’m sure we will see more Lazar content.
Meanwhile, I’m gonna go shoot some miners.
Miners often struggle to remain calm.
Don’t go out and mine, if you can’t afford the fine.
We are here to help.
ANT77 was having a particularly rough time.
Even CONCORD was ganking him!
Fortunately, he made a new friend.
A lot of miners are finding their home in Princess Aiko Hold My Hand.
It’s a safe place to mine.
We are even endorsed by EVE University.
Miners don’t always understand what is happening.
However, they are happy to belong.
Everybody loves to be part of a winning team.
As my level V file management system teeters on the brink of collapse, I look for inspiration in the tier III archives, which are intermingled with maps of Gaza and the West Bank. Without further ado, here’s a flashback straight out of the Aiko files.
simanos6989 was in trouble. His cargo manifest contained restricted evaporites, and he had no idea what they were, or why they were aboard his vessel.
simanos couldn’t explain himself.
Princess Aiko (just a mid-level bureaucrat in a stagnant dying alliance) rolled her eyes and admired her nails, whilst the miner struggled to provide an excuse.
Evaporite smuggling is a serious criminal offense.
The interrogation proceeded, according to protocol.
Aiko was frustrated. The laws of Halaima were weak, a pathetic formulation which only permitted her to gently slap the nasty miner’s dirty wrist.
Aiko’s fellow agents were equally dismayed, wondering whether it would ever be possible to achieve any semblance of law and order.
Aiko wondered if it might be possible to PvP miners out of existence.
They say, somewhere out there in the dark void, simanos89 continues to autopilot in a ghastly hauling ship. He travels from system to system, treating EVE like a science-fiction version of Euro Truck Simulator. James 315 may have given up altogether on achieving any success, but Aiko is not yet ready to surrender.
Previously, we met Lazar us, an incompetent Highsec miner. We learned he is an infinite salt mine. Lazar deleted his videos, in which he began crying, and raged so hard he fell out of his chair.
I guess he doesn’t like me.
He is nauseated by my crying miner tattoo.
I don’t know why, other miners love my tattoo.
Lazar hates the CODE., even though he can’t spell it.
He is down bad, bros.
Meanwhile, his stream is becoming more popular.
Even high ranking carebears are watching.
On the forums, Lazar learned he is the victim of cybercrime.
While on hold with his ISP, Lazar read his chat.
He was not surprised to learn Aiko is a thot.
How could he defeat her simp army?
Meanwhile, Lazar and his friends continue to lose.
They tried to spin defeat into victory.
Before long, they decided to blackmail Aiko.
They have all her private photos and videos.
However, Aiko was not worried.
She already seduced one of Lazar’s miners.
So he started killing miners.
If you can’t beat them, join them!
Highsec is in good hands.
Miners can cry all they want.
I know exactly what they need.
Someone once said I’m the most spiteful woman ever.
The only thing that matters is this…
…a lot of miners are going to die.
I know you want my affection.
However, if you break the laws of Halaima…
…bad things will happen.
You won’t even understand how.
Bystanders will stare in awe, discussing your sad fate.
You will not be pleased.
So send me more isk.
Thanks!
Yesterday, we learned about Lazar us.
He still doesn’t want to purchase a mining permit.
After completing the Highsec tutorial, he invaded Pochven.
He deleted the resulting twelve hour diatribe, but the gist of it…
…is he has a fetish for fellatio.
Those of you who watched, know what I’m talking about.
Krig Povelli also showed up for the party.
Adopting miner lingo, Krig showed himself to be cool.
Even the Saviourette herself made a surprise guest appearance.
The look on his face was truly priceless.
After a stunned silence, Lazar lashed out against all women, denouncing the fact that a hot piece of ass cocksucking whore BITCH is able to turn all of Highsec into a cuckold incel simpfactory, just because she takes pictures of her tits and sends them daily to James 315. What can I say, Amouranth is my mentor, and (let’s be real) even Lazar admitted that he’d love to fuck me.
Lazar’s miner friends tried to defend his position.
Other miners (that I’ve ganked) privately denounced him.
Lazar urged me to suicide IRL.
He urged all of us to commit suicide IRL.
If he meets me in real-life, he’s gonna wreck my pretty face.
He repeatedly called me a “stupid fucking bitch” and wrote angry mails.
@Matterall, I’m the griefer here?
Should CCP cater to carebear space bullies?
Nobody likes him.
When he visited null, my boyfriend paid him a visit.
Yo boy, you down bad bruuuh, lamao!
Fortunately, lazar intends to continue losing EVE.
That’s fine with me!
Fortnite is for plebs. In a world of blind poors, the one-eyed man is king. It was thus that Lazar us declared himself a ‘professional’, and decided to up his game. He downloaded EVE, started a corporation ‘squad’, and became a BILLIONAIRE Highsec miner. Someone stole his first Orca, but Lazar continued his space adventure.
Lazar was pleased to have so many new Twitch viewers, but was disturbed by the random ships bumping into him… and the “weird” Jackdaw, Firetail, Tengu, Buzzard, and various Catalysts following him from system to system.
Hiding his location didn’t seem to help.
Lazar was beginning to suspect that EVE is a PvP game.
Before long, his friend was gone.
Carebears whine and complain, claiming that we grief and bully newbros, but we did our best to show that EVE is a worthy challenge.
Lazar appreciated this, and began renouncing his “stupid” friend, making it clear that EVE is only for the most elite gamers. Unfortunately, he judged poorly, and accepted William Rageclaw (of minerbumping fame) as his personal white knight mentor. By the way, if you haven’t read my other blog, now is a good time. Anyways, Rageclaw advised Lazar to try PvE missions, with a predictable carebear result.
Afterward, Lazar’s capsule tried autopiloting to Jita, before returning to Amarr. He raged for hours, cursing anyone and everything (including Rageclaw).
I remember the moment I sat in lowsec, listening to creepy space music, and realizing that I didn’t have a friend in the galaxy. Lazar had this same epiphany in Highsec. His newbro bluster was gone, replaced by a thousand yard stare.
Yes, EVE is a battle royale PvP game, and everyone here is either going to kill you, enslave you, scam you, disappoint you… or seduce you.
He was surprised to learn that I’m a Princess.
Like most men, he soon hit me up on Twitter.
I know how to turn boys into men.
Lazar is finally ready to play EVE.
I wish him the best of luck!
Last night, Zaenis Desef was on Talking in Stations.
Matterall kept worrying about all the newbros who are permanently traumatized by Highsec ganking, but Zaenis did a good job of urging everybody to calm down and remember that this is just a video game.
Let’s check out some highlights from the chat!
Great segment!
BONUS: Afterward Zaenis streamed some Orca ganking, and you could hear Princess Aiko nagging him to fix his audio settings.
Niiice!
Our elite nullsec forces continue to dominate the Expanse.
Mick Jee was frustrated when Panbears couldn’t wouldn’t properly fit their barges.
Tarkay Utrigas wondered how his fellow miners could be so poor.
Truthfully, we have infiltrated the Horde, at the highest levels.
Their intel channels are utterly worthless.
However, mining foreman Scorching Bagel Twice has no time to defend his fleet.
Consequently, some miners have capitulated, paying tribute unto their Highsec overlords.
It’s our little secret.
They dared us to go to null, and so here we are.
I’m just a girl, but I’ve got a lot of boyfriends.
So just watch what you say.
Someone might be right next to you, in your corp and in your fleet.
I can be a little mean.
Some guys kinda like that!
Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Kelroth bought a C7 wormhole, with all the keepstars, and a lifetime VIP mining permit. However, when evil traders infiltrated DarkStar Industries, Kelroth knew he had a CODE. spy on the inside. It didn’t take long for his new friends to identify the secret agent. It was none other than Kelroth’s own security chief, the Bible thumping flat Earther Brutus.
Brutus was upset, especially when accused of being a CODE. agent.
After some reflection, he liked the sound of this.
So he went to the Minerbumping channel…
…where Princess Aiko had finally defeated Lewak.
To his surprise, nobody believed him!
Although Aiko was back, other agents were unprepared for elite content.
Brutus wondered how a true agent could fail to BONUS a miner.
Alas, Ernst and Guybertini let the opportunity pass.
Fortunately, someone invited Brutus to a better channel: Why Was I Ganked?
Always willing to help, Aiko took a break from her routine duties.
Despite connectivity issues, she knew Brutus deserved special attention.
As Brutus transferred his stuff, they had a vibrant discussion.
The Lord himself listened intently, blessing Aiko with eternal grace.
There was even a BONUS round!
In this way, did Brutus garner his most Divine revenge, transferring thusly unto fair Aiko.
Afterward, Brutus found a new calling in EVE.
He became a campus preacher.
To be continued…