Category: Geography

Fuck!

I’m a little busy, because it’s springtime in Uedama.

You might think it’s easy to gank, blog, spy, dictate, negotiate, logisticate, fetch James another beer, and find the time to look so great. However, in reality, it’s all a bit much. Someday, I will not write a blog post. Someday, I will not gank. Someday, I will sleep, but that day is not today. Understandably, miners are often overwhelmed, when they realize that someone else has more isk, more friends, more charm, and more DPS. What can they do about it? Frankly, all they can do is [expletive] die (again).

“Write in Russian, I won’t read your fucking English”

OVERHEARD IN TEAMSPEAK

Jason Kusion, “That’s the gank I live for. Fucking tidi. Fucking Aiko, up there trolling on me. Haha. CONCORD was on grid. I thought faction police were gonna kill us all. It could have jumped but it just sat there. That was definitely one of my better performances.”
Holdmybeer, “Imagine that, flying a triple bulkheaded Ark. Nobody is gonna gank me. Oh wait, where the fuck am I?”
Tweeps, “What the fuck!?!”

Pay Your Rent, Part 2

Previously, in James 315 Space… Newgal pokoko bought PLEX, injectors, and a Marshal. She was ready to play, proudly undocking in Jita. A few seconds later, she found herself in the Why Was I Ganked? channel, wondering what happened.

Cargo Bandit offered to sell a mining permit for 20 billion isk, but pokoko was a tough negotiator, talking the price down to just 18 billion.

Cargo listened patiently, as pokoko explained her concerns.

However, Cargo was busy, and her red timer was about to end. It was a big decision, and (for some reason) pokoko wasn’t entirely sure the mining permit would be worth it, but Cargo made a compelling argument.

Just like that, it was done.

Perhaps, someday, we will hear more about pokoko’s adventures.

Meanwhile, the New Order just keeps winning. Like any good ganker, Cargo Bandit sent a billion isk to my Official Holy New Order Treasury.

P.S. Did you know there is a Korean ganker group that supports the New Order? I’ll give you a hint who – they killed pokoko! They have some kind of Korean website, where they discussed this incident. Here is what people in Korea had to say.

“This crazy hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha”
“That’s fucking funny hahahahaha”

“Isn’t this a violation of EULA?”
“It is content.”

“I was a dolbauk newbie, but the code protects me.”

“Wow hahahahahahaha”

“hahahahahahahahahahahaha”

Don’t be a dolbauk! Join the New Order today!

Of course, friend

I don’t actually have to be in house, or in system, but you better watch out. I might not even look like me, ya know? I could be anywhere, or anyone, anytime at all. Sometimes people call me James 315, and I don’t disagree. I honestly can’t tell the difference. We are both sexy, smart, and utterly invincible.

THUND3RST0RM > Hello
Aiko Danuja > hi
THUND3RST0RM > I know that our Corps aren’t exactly friends, but I was wondering something.. You know BLACKFLAG. right?
Aiko Danuja > of course

I totally can’t keep track of all the emails, Discord messages, EVEmails, voicemails, Tweets, Slacks, forum @s, and private convos. I used to be a secretary, and now I need one. Regardless, THUND3RST0RM seemed like a nice young man, although it was alarming to hear that he doesn’t view me as a friend. Apparently, he knows some of my very good friends, who fly the BLACKFLAG.

THUND3RST0RM > Well, they will be attacking a station of our in 10 hours. Is there any chance you, or a few pilots from your corp would want to help us defend?
Aiko Danuja > you must pay in advance
THUND3RST0RM > How much
Aiko Danuja > 500 million

I like to help.

THUND3RST0RM > Thanks, but I think we will fight on our own
Aiko Danuja > Very well.
THUND3RST0RM > good day

I figured that was it, and resumed ganking Ventures. However, as the hours ticked by, he decided to renegotiate with his not a friend.

It seemed like a good deal.

Of course, I accepted.

I wonder if James wrote the CODE just for me. By the way, grumpy bears like to OCD, and try to tell me there is a difference between the Code of Halaima and the CODE. alliance. These same crabs pretend there is some fundamental distinction between the New Order and the alliance itself. As your official Saviourette, I beg to differ. It’s all the same. One law, one people, one fleet. We stand united, always!

When the time came, I was hunting battleships, so I couldn’t be bothered to divert my fleet halfway across the galaxy. I assumed my !friend would understand, but I kindly offered to lead his fleet via private convo. I wouldn’t want them to be demoralized, so I didn’t inform him the cavalry was never coming.

As FC, I ordered a direct frontal assault.

It seemed like a good plan, right?

Unfortunately, my not a friend was losing faith in me.

This was his undoing.

Fortunately, Allie Vaille believes in me.

As for my antifriend, he thinks I’m going to a non-existent hell.

 

Apparently, he also likes me a bit.

He thinks I have a cute laugh…

…but his friends want to bash my knee caps.

They don’t approve of our special relationship.

However, I have actual friends.

 

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 11

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously in James 315 Space… Rudokop Forever is a grumpy Soviet bear, and he put a curse on Adrian Vexier, praying to the Orthodox gods that Adrian would not only piss on himself, but would die of Wu flu whilst pissing. Meanwhile, someone else would also piss on Adrian, at the very moment of his passing, during which Adrian would (hopefully) be thinking of Rudokop. It was a horrific curse.

Each day, Adrian logged in to bump Rudokop, finding Rudokop ready and waiting to travel far away from ice and ore.

From time to time, Rudokop’s various alts attracted attention, and Adrian dutifully recycled their illegal farming tractors.

Everyone else was glad to see Adrian taking out the trash.

Rudokop’s alt, SIM Gallent, vowed to fill Arraron with garbage.

However, he suspected Adrian might enjoy shooting MTUs.

Instead, the Goofus decided to write a weird essay.

“This war is not peace. Dark mucus fills ether. Dead children do not touch the heart. Black Label all other religions! Sweet Life before the first siren, The first bombing, the real betrayal. Moment when suddenly showering wall And the cold will rush an arrow through his veins. Crosses cover live on the map. The path is only one – “The Road,” McCarthy said. 24 hours overnight fierce, When suddenly you will understand the essence of DOTS. And it will not matter what it was before the village, Suddenly unbearably want to believe. But the cry of hope will sink in the fire, No output in this thick veil. Higher forces are no longer heard. ONLY from living rats and mice, And just one mistake of nature, Burned from an overabundance of freedom, Favorites hatred instead of love, Which has taken in the guides of devil, The supreme creator think he is, Among plague fond of feasts, Restless, angry, empty, limits not knowing in search of paradise, Spitting into the sky and dissimilar, The face of humanity ugly face, Pathetic, brain nabikren, Vanity, greed, and sloth Godyna. Eternal night we ran out of day, If God exists, then we are his shadow. “

Subsequently, Rudokop summoned Faragon Tarinus.

Faragon Tarinus> Adrian Vexier I am not a beggar udevlyayus)))))))))) names CORP read moron went black band on your always even realeya))))))))
SIM Gallent>  This hole already down and out all the brains fucked
Faragon Tarinus> teach Russian language idiot I eolonizatorov spices ignoramus since english impurity))))
SIM Gallent> wait nedozhdus when obossut
Faragon Tarinus> weak, not the one who stole and who steals))))
Faragon Tarinus> so I always take to his proizvodstveneka Impe in the spoils of war this dirty th)))))
SIM Gallent> Yes, this two-faced scum know that I wrote when I vreki Salil says .. you hypocrite, you can not type steal and he wrecks my salish … I told him – not a sin to steal from a thief
Faragon Tarinus> Adrian Vexier here you Vasya)))))

Gallent congratulated himself for merely losing blingy drones, and was proud of his ‘ability’ to retain cheaper replacements.

SIM Gallent> This loser I have tried 10 times already my drones steal .. and only 1 in 10 get DEMON-loser) OH
Faragon Tarinus> LOL so that for me is not steep and the bottom of the zavisischeee materealnogo situation in real life and in the game))))

ALISA IVANOVA couldn’t handle any more, and she accused them of simultaneously crying whilst butchering the beautiful Russian language.

Faragon Tarinus> Victory: Tatara * is that you would understand that any military destroyed proizvodstvenika or miners lol there as they are always against the war uezvimy even peale, and not only in the games)))))
ALISA IVANOVA> Guys, good to whine like a girl. My daughter was crying less.
SIM Gallent> ALISA IVANOVA Go suck it maybe once you tell them so admired?
Faragon Tarinus> AUSA IVANOVA You are the deto itself if you do not understand the meaning of the conversation is not who does not ache just simply communicate))))
ALISA IVANOVA> SIM Galent ha … Do you even in Russian learn to write for a start))
Faragon Tarinus> Well uskolobye always pay attention to my error))) since they are not the meaning of words understand))))
ALSA IVANOVA> Faragon Tarinus a Papko you hike, the language scratching.
SIM Gallent> ALSA IVANOVA show my stupid mistake maromoyka !!!

Eventually, Rudokop realized he was going on a blog.

I think he might be a fan.

CODE. is Back

Listening to: Selection 40

***

The mighty CODE. alliance never actually left, but regardless, we are back (again). Agents don’t need sleep, we just need more synthetic coffee.

Sentinul wasn’t sure how to check what alliance Ebb Eto is in, but he had a suspicion, maybe. It was hard to tell, although there were clues.

Sentinul was a happy miner. He spent an entire day, mining to his heart’s content, earning the in-game equivalent of approximately a dollar.

I can understand how Sentinul felt, celebrating another glorious victory. However, I think his expectations might be a little low. He was isk positive, but a month of PLEX is currently valued at 1.3 billion isk, which means that Sentinul would need to grind for a fortnight. Indeed, he was starting to do the math.

It could be done, but somebody was slowing him down.

He wasn’t upset. However, mining can be lonely.

Really lonely.

Sentinul admired Archie Audene‘s portrait.

Sentinul just wanted a friend.

However, he was all alone in the galaxy.

Well, not entirely…

Sentinul didn’t mind the occasional gank, but hoped it would stop.

 

To be continued…

 

Moving On

Some people believe the CODE. alliance died years ago, when James 315 was permabanned. Others believe it died a few months ago, at the very moment James passed on. Still others believe it was dead from the start. However, readers of the blog know divine truth: James is far more powerful dead than alive. It also benefits me, so I’ll allow it.

Miners and plebs fixate upon the ‘Great War’, as my tributaries quarrel over the Delve, but they fail to understand this conflict began in Halaima (a peaceful mining system, near Jita). A true Princess never forgets.

Like, whatever!

Lewak began preaching a strange heresy. According to Lewakites, multiboxing is an evil sin, and Omega accounts are terribly unfair to poor alphas. All implants, no matter the type or purpose, are absolutely verboten. Meanwhile, Lewak glorified implanted multiboxing antigankers, who ‘enforce’ the CODE. upon the CODE. Lewak even began failganking on scouts, claiming that real gankers never use combat probes. We had a little disagreement, so I discussed this with Loyal, Globby, Tweeps, and Holdmybeer. They all asked the same question. “Who is Lewak?” Something had to be done, before the alliance was reduced to nothing but weird roleplayers! Praise James! 07

Actually, yes, I just might…

Fighting spread across Lonetrek, with fierce combat in Isanamo. Here, disgusting heretics were besieged inside an abandoned Nurtura warehouse, desperately scrounging for scraps of biomass and stale soylent wafers. Meanwhile, descending from Moon 21, spaceborne Khanid flametroopers rained hellfire upon their enemies. Neutron blasts scoured cities, as machine guns splattered bullets down narrow streets. The CODE. Civil War truely happened, and this permanently shifted the galactic balance of power.

 My, what a difference a year makes.

So, where do we go from here? 

Our vassals can squabble, but we’ve got business in Highsec, and the Summer Hole War is over. We know what to do, and our friends support us. We will simply apply a new litmus test, and this will root out all the closet bears.

PRAISE PRINCESS AIKO, SAVIOURETTE OF HIGHSEC,
AND HOLY EMPRESS OF CODE.

(pro tip: listen to the above on a permanent loop)

I recently discovered Lewak’s new mining alt corp, and confronted him her about his mining habit. Only someone with the honest integrity of a true Princess can defeat such treasonous minery. Indeed, she confessed to his illegal crimes, and (after praising me) was duly punished according to the laws of the Halaima Halama.

BEHOLD THE CONFESSION OF THE MINING TRAITOR

That’s right. Miners are liars. Always!

What a crab!

Doden van de Week.

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some Highsec draagt, extirpated between September 20 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 27 @ 05:51 EVEtime.

***

I’m not really sure what is going on down in Bagodan, but apparently they are having a winter storm. Adam Feng missed the severe weather advisory, and jumped directly into a cluster of ice tornadoes. If you don’t know who killed Adam, then you probably haven’t been paying attention, have you? Here’s a pro tip: if you want your ship to have more hitpoints, then maybe consider welding some steel plates to the hull.

***

When Ulianov and GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM were informed that shareholders approved a funding grant from the Official Holy New Order Treasury, they knew it was important to ensure the money was wisely invested. Instead of some convoluted carebear production plan, they ignored the market altogether, and just went straight for the K0enig. A 3000% return on investment is nothing to be ashamed of.

***

Gobloks like to write in the forums, chiding Princess Aiko, because she is afraid to PvP. I confess. I’m a little embarrassed, because it’s absolutely true, I’m so frightened by ships that shoot back. Eep! Hey, I never claimed to be the best ganker in the galaxy, I’m just the cutest! Recently, Gallente Citizen I and First Gallente Citizen showed me how to kill Caberwolfe’s cargo Loki. What was I scared of?

***

The new leader of Goonswarm, Emperor Avia Naali, aka Destroyer of Worlds, asked me to shut down Pandemic Horde’s Highsec mining programme. We were having some difficulty catching all those little Ventures, but eventually we discovered how they move the ore. I contacted my friends, Don Purple and MrDiao — we got the job done. Miners ask where we get our ships from, well… now you know!

***

I don’t really use implants, because I’d be ashamed for James to discover that he married a mindless bot, so I’m not really sure what all these chips do. Did you know there is something called a Nirvana Omega? I guess it makes you feel really good, but Lenya Nazgul recently discovered that there are some serious side effects, when she was disconnected from the main server. Symptoms of withdrawal include reduced self-esteem, depression, irritation, and myocardial infarction. Fortunately, Moustached Slimy Worm and Unluckyy were there to help Lenya calm down. I’m sure she will recover.

***

BONUS: Market Tycoon is the New Order’s leading expert on EVE Online’s farming experience. What are the most effective means to maximize your income, without risking isk or having to do anything at all? Market recommends that crabs head to the Abyss, because CCP encourages mindless gameplay.

Rudokop Forever, Part 7

Previously, in James315.Space… A procurer was dunked by Kanye North, but (for some reason) the miners blamed their “wise” Princess Aiko. We did a postgank interview with the bot, and had a little chat. Halandar Uitra is not a happy miner. He got into voice comms, and called Princess Aiko a “fat bitch”, outrageous! Halandar wants every Highsec carebear to check out Aiko, she’s evil and delusional (but cool).

 ***

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space.. . Rudokop Forever tried to trick Adrian Vexier, and his alts reported the loss of a battleship and a logistics cruiser.

Local chat filled with the radioactive tears of a third-rate Soviet gulag, as Rudokop alt Ivan Mihalich SIM wailed in grief.

However, Adrian denied the allegation.

Technically, according to Rudokop, Adrian is a specific form of demon. He is a succubus, a sexual demoness. Once upon a time, Adrian denounced Princess Aiko as “the whore of James”, but karma finally caught up with him.

As Rudokop sought to exorcise Adrian, the ritual drew a crowd of Highsec farmers, who were soon engaged in theological debate.

Adrian suggested that perhaps Rudokop is hysterical, but Rudokop argued that Adrian’s actions constitute proof of demonic possession.

It is perplexing, that Rudokop considered his battleship to be a “defenseless miner”, although this is an accurate description of Ivan‘s combat performance. Regardless, there appeared to be only one way to eject Adrian’s soul from Arraron, and Rudokop thus began casting a counterdemon spell (with some help from his alts).

It did not work, and Rudokop was awestruck. How could such a being exist?

As the days went by, Rudokop grew to accept there was nothing whatsoever he could do, to remove the evil spectre haunting local. He settled for the tiresome toil of the crier, alerting his fellow serfs to the woes and ill tidings of outer space.

Before long, other demons began visiting Arraron, melding with Adrian.

The monsters began to mock Rudokop, their voices echoing across the star system.

Perhaps Adrian is a demonic whore, but what is Rudokop?

To be continued…

 

Kage Rage, Part 9

Previously, on MinerBumping… Kanye North is a good friend, who taught William Rageclaw an important space lesson. William, if you are reading this, please don’t DDOS my precious website again. I will report you to the trailer park patrol.

Recently, Halandar Uitra was streaming his mining operation in Palas, and was pleased to meet Princess Aiko, whom he recognized as a “very wise” soul. He wanted Aiko in his stream, because she is “so cool”. Aiko just wanted to watch Halandar die, and listened patiently as his mining friends discussed a mysterious group that kills miners.

Finally, it happened.

Halandar vowed to sell the killrights and get revenge.

***

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space.. . kage1982 announced he has a wealthy benefactor, who finances kage’s campaign to whirl endlessly around Isanamo’s Home for Young Miners. However, as Quint generously showers pennies upon Highsec antigankers, he openly concedes the CODE. is utterly invincible.

Despite daily failure, Quint rewards antigankers handsomely.

With each gank, the CODE accomplishes more than every carebear combined.

Quint has struggled with several different variations of the contest rules, watching helplessly as CODE. pilots continue to take his money.

Meanwhile, Princess Aiko flaunts her own good fortune.

Although Aiko has recently begun smiling about something, antigankers speculate she is in a space cult. kage vowed to rescue the princess.

Eventually, kage realized he had a date with a blog.

He doesn’t appear to like my writing.

Nevertheless, even kage acknowledges James as High King.

He also understands that Aiko and James have a special relationship.

To this day, kage continues to warp randomly around Isanamo. This upsets miners, who remain convinced he is some kind of secret CODE. agent.

Sometimes, he accidentally collides with the poor distraught bots.

Meanwhile, kage still hasn’t figured out that Quint’s CODE. hunting contest is just a paid advertisement for the mighty alliance.

Sievert Solutions is also a little confused.

The salt is definitely flowing, but in which direction?

Finally, kage got that big payday!

The last time I saw kage, he was whirling around the YMCA at 3500m/s. When I undocked, he decided it was best to leave the system.

I wanted him to face justice, so I contacted a few of my powerful friends in Highsec. That’s right, I put out a hit on kage. Just kill him, and send my regards! I don’t need to offer a paltry isk prize, because people will do it for the betterment of our glorious civilization. It’s what I want, and James wants whatever I want.

Kalessi Kashada > FYI kage1982 at Sobaseki gate in Jita in a Dramiel
Cargo Bandit > Aiko Danuja doesn’t CODE. despise kage1982?
Aiko Danuja > kage1982 is not despised, he is pitied
Cargo Bandit > this guy is notoriously delusional and annoying
Valiran Teleros > The more time I spend in this channel, the more I come to empathize with gankers, and the fact I’m not exaggerating in the least is almost physically painful.

With any luck, kage might eventually learn something?

Practice makes perfect!

 

 

Egbu nke Izu

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some bea, annihilated between September 13 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 19 @ 23:59 EVEtime. Everyone enjoyed whoring on free killmails during CCP’s Yulai event, which took place in excruciating slow motion, but real PvB involves shooting bots before CCP finally gets around to doing something.

***

Seam Daigon was hoping to make it to next week, but got caught by Votre Dieu, shortly before intergalactic midnight. No matter what timezone Seam is currintly AFK in, this was an obvious Kill of the Week. Yikes! 

Seam took his case to Miner’s Court…

…but the cargo manifest was proof of intent to distribute.

***

Lokoboto looks like a goofus, because he is. I was able to uninstall his gas huffing Megathron with a little help from Zoe Nyx, Shadow Cyrilus, MrDiao, Yes Mr Cheng, Independence Day, Encrypted Transmission, and Gallente Ambrye.

***

Tanarisa Star wanderer actually dies next week, but she’s already tackled and going down very slowly. Squidhunting Manwhore did the math, and Tanarisa’s death is imminent, with termination in exactly 24 minutes. For some reason, she agreed to duel a Catalyst, and all she has to defend herself are five Harvester drones. Good fight!

***

Fez Hideo reinforced her bulkheads, blinged her shields, and prepared for elite PvP in an 0.7. Her pirate ship was promptly vaporized by Ulianov and mat Otsito.

***

St0n3 lost his Kronos weeks ago, and it’s now a Kill of the Week, because I say so. While looking through old logs, I suddenly remembered this orbiter who tried to defend his Retrievers with a Marauder. When asked why, he explained that it was all a ploy to get my attention. Indeed, I showed up with my girlfriends: Alleil Pollard, Keraina Talie-Kuo, AgBee 001, Shadow Pearl, and Zopiclone.

***

Sirtech Silicore lost his spaceship way back in 2017, and it finally became a Kill of the Week in 2020, after Sirtech’s alt repeatedly returned to the Why Was I Ganked? channel. Tax Collector HongMei probably doesn’t even remember this incident, but Sirtech certainly does, and he has successfully campaigned for recognition of his loss. Congratulations on your impressive second place finish! 

I asked Felicia/Sirtech if she had anything she wanted to tell James 315.

Mission complete.

***

rhe natu was relaxing while mining in her command ship, when suddenly she was ejected into the harsh vacuum of outer space. Before she could click a button, her pod was vaporized by Buttercup Potemkin (who is definitely not in a terrorist cult). Replacing your brain with bot chips may seem like a good idea, but it’s illegal.