Category: Sex

The Reclaiming of Nalvula

Listening to: The Best Songs of the ’50s

People are starting to talk, and they really aren’t sure what they are talking about. What is even happening? What do the oracles forebode?

What if James 315 were God, and decided to become the Highsec Goddess?

When exactly did Aiko turn blue?

Is she James, or did Aiko KILL James (and his little dog too)?

Yes, James 315 still technically logs in, but who is that?

Sometimes, reading the blog, I felt like James was speaking directly to me. It was like he untied me, forced me to log in, and then we drank wine. I really hated Conoban, but he insisted the game would get better if the Old Guard was born again.

Princess Aiko appeared mysteriously one rainy Saturday, with smooth black hair, and she didn’t really do anything for a long time. The Imperial Guards have a glorious heritage, but is it true they owned Halaima and subsequently transferred the claim to James — that’s the truth, isn’t it? James was bumping to impress a girl.

She seems cute enough. If only she could lose a little weight, pull that hair back into a ponytail, and remember her password. Surely she hasn’t been a World of Warcraft elf all this time? Although, that would explain why 315, Siegfried, Loyal, and Globby haven’t been undocking… One means to test a hypothesis is to examine the evidence and carefully consider the facts. For example, if there is some intimate connection between Princess Aiko and James 315, then surely we would notice similarities — right?

Hmm. Now then, we all know that James was always (get it?) a man of his word, honest and straight-forward. Recently, Princess Aiko gave a hypnotic speech which left everyone shaking their heads in wonder and amazement.

The New Order of Highsec has always been about Highsec. It’s a dogmatic canon that even bot aspirant gankbears can mimic with mundane repetition. However, groups such as the elite New Order Outreach Division, the Amamake Police, Warlords of the Deep, Wild Geese, Pen Is Out, the Wormhole Society, Rote Kapelle, Hard Knocks, No Forks Given, Wingspan, Did he say jump, the Kings (and queen) of Lamaa, the Tactical Narcotics Team, and the glorious Goryn Clade contain an identical alt chain of real-life friends. They aren’t just blues. They are the exact same people, dancing in a circle around Highsec, dunking on crabby miners and endlessly flirting with their Saviourette.

Once a year we all go on a ski trip to Ice Mountain. Indeed, have we not seen New Order fleets arrive suddenly in the depths of utter darkness, extirpating unto the renters? That’s right. James and Aiko created powerful friends beyond Highsec, and the CODE. is truly invincible, which is bad news for intergalactic minery.

James is neither dead, nor gone. He’s on his main, and a lot of alts.

Woah. Look at that outrageous bounty, all for one lucky lady. With the appearance of our Triglavian allies, many anticipate that the Jamespocalypse will summon a red doughnut, which will permanently extirpate the mining caste. Everything we thought we knew about the CODE. is changing, because as Princess Aiko vows to burn all of Highsec, her hand points south through Uedama to the bloody depths of the Period. Indeed, did James not lay out the route for all to see ? Didn’t he make this the focus of the longest MinerBumping series ever written, warning continuously about the Pretender, and proclaiming to the galaxy that his little Princess is commanding an invisible armada?

So is this just bluster? If Aiko is a true princess, she would not tease the galaxy by casting her gaze upon lowsec, whilst casually stepping on hapless Ventures in Isanamo — would she? The nice thing about CONCORD timers is they give you time to type. She types fast, as does James. It just so happens. that the mighty CODE. alliance recently acquired three (3) Fortizars in Lonetrek, that’s lowNULLSEC Lonetrek. These fully fitted Fortizars were free, because Highsec mining corporations are run by morons.

It is known.  

With just eight words, Aiko brought Maldavius from “definitely not” to “now it makes sense”. Is it true? Does the CODE. alliance have powerful friends? Verily, our alts in exile say unto one another, “We have a powerful friend in Hek.”

To be continued…

 

Rejoice, For James Is Everywhere

 

Seek Him, and He Will Find You!

 

Full Faith or No Faith

 

Well, I come from a place called Agil
With a glossy submachine gun
And I’m bound to save the Delve
My own true love for to see
It did rain all night the day I left
The weather was bone dry
The sun was so hot I froze myself
Miner, you just go on and cry
I said, oh, Miner
Now, you just cry for me
As I come from red Agil
With this Khanid submachine gun
Well, I had myself a dream the other night
When everything was still
I dreamed that I saw my man James
He was coming around the hill
Now, the buckwheat grass was in his mouth
A gleam was in his eye
I said, that I come from Nohshayess
Miner, you should break down and cry
I said, oh, Miner
Now, you should cry for me
‘Cause I come from Agil Three
With my trusty submachine gun 

Photo courtesy of James 315, aka Katia Sae

Rudokop Forever, Part 5

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Listening to: Trippy Minimal Beats

Previously on James315.Space…Adrian Vexier was turned on by the Whore of James, rededicating his immortal soul to helping bot aspirant miners. He stopped antiganking and became a New Order social worker. Meanwhile, Rudokop Forever was in a Soviet gulag, and concluded that Adrian is a “damn demon”.

Losing his mining drones posed a serious existential crisis for the Highsec miner. If Adrian possessed the magical ability to make drones disappear, what other dark powers lurked in the creepy expanse? Rudokop felt that spooky space people were watching him, following him, haunting him. Rudokop was starting to realize.

THEY WERE HUNTING HIM

Adrian tried to help Rudokop calm down. Was it working?

When Rudokop began speaking in demonic tongues, he knew Adrian Vexier was to blame for his financial terrors. How could he get easy AFK isk, when evil monsters were lurking in local? Rudokop concluded that the best solution was to lock his nemesis inside one of those Saw movies. What if Adrian had to quickly steal 150 augmented drones, before his face dissolved in a vat of acid? The clock was ticking, and Rudokop simply needed to figure out a way to make this dream a reality.

The diplomatic negotiations were at an impasse.

Rudokop decided it was time to up the ante.

Eureka! Rudokop suddenly thought of a cunning plan…

To be continued…

Aw no, he’s better than good
I got a story to tell
The boy’s got a rare ability
He’s a damn thief
Can’t ignore him
He’s a liability
Freestyling, let’s do it
Once again with the ill behavior
The stars are falling
Miners are such easy prey
ROT ROT ROT
ROT IN HELL
Bwahahahaha
Danger danger
You’re in danger
Picture danger
Danger squared
Danger
Danger
Danger
Danger
Danger
The future is your time
We wait
Every day
Every night
Twenty Four Seven
Three One Five

BONUS: Some goofus bears claim that we are here to grief new players and extort them into hating EVE and never logging in again. Actually, we just want them to stop mining. Mad Hatter Wins got wrecked in Isanamo, but that didn’t stop him from enjoying EVE. In fact, it only made him want to join the winning team.

 

 

 

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 7

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Listening to: I Love Me

Previously on James315.Space… James always knew that Princess Aiko was modest, impeccable, rich, and inconceivably lucky. In the future, New Order historians from the Lawton School will undoubtedly cite this as proof of her lineage as a true lady of Agil. It is known. James had faith that once she got a taste of his content, she would stick around. He also thought she was pretty tempting. He said that she never need feel guilty. The truth is self-evident. He described her as the Grover Cleveland of the New Order. Yup. He loves his classy gankstress. Always! Facts are powerful things, because they define reality, the difference between right and wrong.

I control truth, and I rule the galaxy.

Cleveland was Prime Minister of an ancient Terran empire, the Union of States. He was also an advocate of the great naval strategist Alfred Thayer Mahan, a ganker who understood the value of a large fleet, bolstered by aggressive torpedo boats and kamikaze destroyers. His policies served to double the size of the imperial navy, which allowed the empire to conquer the world. Unfortunately, the Union was eventually shattered by an apocalyptic succession war, during the Third Century crisis.

The lesson is clear. Nations live and die by their ability to muster an army and a fleet. Thanks to our alliance with Khanid, we have plenty of mechanized infantry and airborne flametroopers. However, our navy suffers, continually under attack by CONCORD pirates. We must expand. We must grow. We must double our ability to project force. We can, and we will, liberate Tama from the low miners.

Ah, but I digress. The people want to know, and they deserve the truth. I have to ask, is it fair and just and ethical to dunk the Mongolian mining fleet, over and over? Is it reasonable that we should summon them unto the High Court of Halaima and seize their assets, until they have nothing left but a disconcerting feeling that they might have made a mistake? What went wrong? I ask you this, will you give your asteroid to the invader??? Will you surrender your ice to the bayar? Will you praise Odbayar?????

If we don’t act, then Pandemic Horde will. TEST will. Fraternity will. Chupacabra will. The Autists will not hesitate to pull the trigger, so why should we? I remember when ganking in Niarja was a war crime, but now it is sanctioned as elite PvP? It is our duty, as the leaders of the galaxy, to take a firm stand and show the way. We must stop the Mongols before they spread into the deepest reaches of some gloomy C7, and figure out how to summon a Clade. This is my will, and my will is divine judgment.

Odbayar was having a rough time in EVE, but don’t think for a moment that he isn’t a bloodthirsty little space monster. This blue masked devil wants nothing more than to dig enough ore to build a blingy supertitan.

We tried. I swear upon the crypt of a thousand James corpses, that we did everything we could to turn Odbayar from the filthy path of the bubble blob.

There was one little problem…

Odbayar just wanted free stuff. As my tributary, he has no right to go where he pleases, no right to engage in industrial activity, and certainly no right to collect taxes. He is a farmer, pure and simple, he is there to be farmed. If he wishes to be a knight of the Order, he must fully embrace the sacred Oath of Poverty.

He didn’t even ask nicely.

We embraced him, in the galaxy’s best content funnel: Why Was I Ganked?

Alas, it appears potty mouth Odbayar has run away, enduring a horrific series of deaths in the Niarja wasteland. Even then, when I heard his plaintive mewling, I wanted to help. I reached out, patiently urging him to come home.

What can I do? CCP scams miners, promising a theme park adventure in which they all become kings and queens. The reality is they need to bend the knee, fall in line, and pay taxes. Otherwise, they face a fate worse than death. Eternal limbo, with no escape, in and out of constellations which never make sense.

I begged Odbayar to return, but he wouldn’t listen.

If you see Odbayar out there, tell him to come home to Princess Aiko. Where I live, isk just falls from the sky, and we CONCORD ships full of PLEX. The best thing for newbros is to come into my Crystal Palace, form an orderly queue, and wait patiently for an agent to process their citizenship application. It might take a while, and there may be unexpected administrative fees, but it’s better than EVE University.

I’ll update the Treasury when I get around to playing Spreadsheets in Space.

To be continued…

Way too good at camouflage
Can’t see what I am, is a felony
Voices in my head make up my entourage
‘Cause I’m a black belt
I’m an expert at giving love to somebody else
I, me, myself
Me, myself and I
Haters that live on the internet
Live in my space, should be paying rent
I’m way too good at listening
And I always got my finger on your self-destruct
I’m a 10 out of 10, even when you forget!
I’m a 10 out of 10, don’t you ever forget!
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why am I always looking to gank and die?
I wonder when I love me is enough, mmm (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

 

Mission Accomplished

Listening to: Hell Yeah

Previously on James315.Space… The content vortex spans a galaxy, as the CODE. embraces a new mission. Henceforth, the miners will be extirpated, such is the divine will of the Clades.  Do not suffer the miner! Hal·le·lu·jah.

I confess. When I first proposed killing James, he thought it was a joke. However, after a few glasses of wine, he realized it was already done. Valor Morghulis. It had to be, and when my blue lips kissed him goodbye, he almost smiled.

Sometimes I bring him back, sucking James off into a vat, and jerking him awake just long enough to tell him what I think. He looks around, gives a tired wave, and submachine guns turn the lights out. I will let him slumber again, until it’s time for another little chat. Some people say he isn’t really living, but James isn’t truly dead either. We are keeping the ol’ man on blue ice in Hek. In their grey wisdom, our powerful friends in Trigspace have given Him eternal limbo, so long as we obey the Halama. Always!

When we held the funeral, miners watched gleefully, believing the CODE. would finally dissolve into chaos and internal strife.

The grumpy bears claim that we are mere roleplayers, dismissing us as if we are just really good at winning roleplaying games. What they forget is that roleplayers are also able to play a role. We can run a game on you, no doubt. That’s what we do, friend. Even James finally accepted his untimely death, written off at the end of the eighth season. It was the will of the shareholders. We voted, and I won by a landslide. The PermaBanned know I’m one of them, and the Old Guard stands firm.

As the mighty CODE. alliance is the elite roleplaying guild of EVE Online,  we might be able to infiltrate our own alliance and seize destiny (yours and mine)! Carpe diem! Unfortunately, although Knowledgeminer sits in the MinerBumping channel day and night, he ignored the dire omens of Super Perforator, who was concerned that Knowledgeminer might get dunked (again). Miners always say that we never warn them, but it’s not our fault if they can’t read between the lines. Super’s concern was well placed, for Knowledgeminer believed that James was truly dead. With the CODE. alliance neutered, and now in the grasp of a flirty airhead, it was safe to mine again. Right?

Not!

Wow, we even got the corpse. What a pleb. For all his talk about learning to PvP, Knowledgeminer sure got himself caught up in a little PvE honey pot. Baited on a free. We just hated to see him stuck in Edencom prison, so we helped him. It’s time to dust off the cloaky Loki and go back into hiding. Get on outta here!

Now that’s legit. What a common goofus pleb. Someone asked me how it felt to kill Knowledgeminer, and my reply was exactly what you might imagine, “I don’t feel anything for the mining caste.” Let them eat salt.

Oh, I know, he didn’t want that Hurricane anyways. Uh huh. We all know that he’s too scared to go into Low Sec, and forsake CONCORD. He’s even afraid of the Lonetrek FacPo! Yo, we is straight out of Halaima. Fortunately, the CODE. is here to ensure that every miner gets the content they so desperately need and deserve.

Bauldis Tivianne > Knowledgeminer he is a not very bright wanna be AG. He lost a nemisis to a thrasher with no point, and he attacked the thrasher to get a timer!
Josh en Welle > Knowledgeminer you are a rare breed of AG
Uncle Flacco > he whores on a lot of concord killmails

Aiko Danuja > will u help me with a special project?
Knowledgeminer > haha, what “special project”?
Aiko Danuja > i am going to save the antigankers from their sin!
Knowledgeminer > I’m not the typical miner you may troll all you want
Aiko Danuja > its not trolling friendo

Knowledgeminer > suicide ganking is treating ships as ammo, it’s just not the way I like to fly my ships
Aiko Danuja > i give each ship a unique name and get to know each member of the crew, but you should see your crew as expendable, because they are only common plebs without capsuleer implants
Uncle Paulie > he seems to care more about a 100mil ship then i did about my 5bil dreads i would fly in lowsec.
Aiko Danuja > that’s what is holding him back
Uncle Paulie > its why he will never be good at pvp, you have to learn to LET GO
Knowledgeminer > lol
Aiko Danuja > you are limiting your horizons
Uncle Paulie > for someone who isnt just a lvl 1 thinker, its pretty obvious
Alleil Pollard > Aiko’s a level 39 thinker
Whadda Badasaz > She’s almost completely clear of Thetans, she’ll be a Super Saiyan soon, it was prophesized.
Alleil Pollard > It is known.
Knowledgeminer > no, it’s not letting othres decide what those horizons should be for me
Aiko Danuja > just go find a customs office, shoot it, and the loki will be gone forever
Alleil Pollard > FREEDOM SWEET FREEDOM
Uncle Paulie > The things you own, end up owning you
Knowledgeminer > lol, what?
Uncle Paulie > Its only after you’ve lost everything, you are free to do anything
Knowledgeminer > avoidng the loss of my ship is part of the fun for me, it’s part of the challenge
Aiko Danuja > but you DO mind losing ur ship
Uncle Paulie > but you DO care about losing your ship
Knowledgeminer > I mind and care in the sense that I try to avoid it happen

Here’s a piece of knowledge. Miners need mining permits!

Ready for the caper, steady plottin’ for the PLEX
We ain’t getting paid grinding wage
I know a way
Lemme tell you how we finna to get paid
Let’s ride, steppin’ outside like warriors
Livin in the dark, hidin’ in the corridor
We gonna order Dead Frog and when we see the hauler
Miner in the wrong place at the right time
You know what this is, it’s a stick up
Gimme the dough from your pickups
You can get down, but you can’t be afraid
The name says you, but the face is me
Now it’s your turn take my paper work
Like 1, 2, 3 let’s make it work
Now we just walk right up and bump it
To the game we rockin’ brand names
CONCORD never know who to true blame
Repeat this cycle like a laundry mat
Like a glitch in the system it’s hard to catch
We can take it to Jita then get the cash
Yeah, get a friend and then do it again
Damn right that’s how we pay the rent
I’m down for the caper, we steady on the grind
I’m creepin their merchandise
I take mine off the top like a politician
It’s a daily struggle, we all gotta hustle
This is the way we survive
As long as there’s cats to be sold
I ain’t waitin’ for the system to plug up these holes
I be slippin’ through the cracks
I’m only trying to show how good gankers live
If you claimin’ gangsta, then bang on the system
We got to get over, We all gotta hustle
I found out how to pimp the system
We can get some government paper
Can we really do that?
That’s part of the game

 

I’m a Sleepy Girl

Listening to: Tap In

It’s late at night, and I’m curled up in my cute yoga pants, the ones with little kitten pawprints. After a long hard day of ganking, I just want nothing more than to relax after a nice hot bath. Mmmhmm, that’s right. Now then, a lot of people turn to Highsec mining when they want to sleep, but I suppose it’s time to write a few words for my award-winning blog. One of these days I’ll miss a day, or a year, and everyone will be sad. However, today you are in luck, because I’m still hard at work.

You know, people have been reading this thing, and the metrics suggest that I’m a blinky spacestar. All a girl really wants though is to know that the miners are dead, bankrupt and biomassed, all of them. What really puts me in the mood, is to check my messages from the people. Yes, the people, not the bots. I love all these big strong alpha males and sexy ladies who enforce the Code each and every day.

Previously, I wrote about the good deeds of Cargo Bandit, and there are so many other superb options in the queue. Some wonder why their Saviourette writes about this or that, and the honest reason, is I do as I please. Just like dear ol James, I reach into that bag and pull something out. It’s not personal, I’m just super busy as General Secretary of the most powerful red doughnut in the galaxy. So if you sent great content, and think maybe I missed it, go ahead and resubmit. Sometimes I misplace things.

Here’s a hot tip: send an Evemail (and isk) to Aiko Danuja. Yes, you can pay to get your content moved to the front of the line!

Anyways, one quick glance at this latest message, and I was turned on. This isn’t some cringy old rant like the ones I get from Dracvlad, or yet another dreadful poem from Overmind. No, this is precisely the stuff that feeds our souls. Without further ado, let’s take a trip to Jita, that beautiful BLUE star where I first learned to isk treble like a champ. What, you think I got so rich from ganking? That’s just advertising, friendo.

Jimbo Coles > Youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > hello!
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > excuse me?
Jimbo Coles > yeah

Jimbo Coles got dunked hard, and he was uncomfortable.

Mmm. I love it Cargo. Tell Princess Aiko more about this naughty miner.

Cargo Bandit > oh yes
Jimbo Coles > nothing fn better to do
Cargo Bandit > I don’t understand

Jimbo just wanted easy isk, but he done goofed.

Jimbo Coles > couldnt even fn align
Jimbo Coles > what dont you understand
Cargo Bandit > what you are upset about

He also wanted hardcore PvP, but just didn’t know it.

Jimbo Coles > i guess i shouldnt be be then right
Jimbo Coles > dont fn matter
Jimbo Coles > i couldnt align because i was getting bumbed all ove rthe place
Cargo Bandit > you would have been popped anyway
Jimbo Coles > the point is dont ypu fn have anything better to do
Cargo Bandit > align or no, this is what I do brother
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck you

EVE might be a failed theme park, but even Disney World has salt.

Jimbo Coles > fn 3b
Jimbo Coles > fn garbage
Jimbo Coles > that means what
Jimbo Coles > its shitty bro
Jimbo Coles > real fn shitty
Cargo Bandit > illegal cargo is shitty


Jimbo was about to get a lesson in New Order jurisprudence.

Jimbo Coles > what was illeagal
Cargo Bandit > you see, I kill bots
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot
Cargo Bandit > do you have a permit?

The laws of Newe Halaima are crystal clear.

Jimbo Coles > cap moda are illeagal?
Cargo Bandit > no, but transporting goods without permit is
Jimbo Coles > permt for what
Cargo Bandit > to undock
Jimbo Coles > why would i need a permit to undock
Cargo Bandit > so that I know you are not a bot
Jimbo Coles > i didnt have any illeagal goods
Cargo Bandit > if you don’t have a permit, you are illegal
Jimbo Coles > wtf are you talking about
Cargo Bandit > ok maybe my friends can help me explain

A consumate professional, Cargo Bandit flagged the miner for a postgank debriefing in my famous Why Was I Ganked? channel. However, Jimbo wanted to keep things private. Fortunately, everything in EVE is logged. Always!

Jimbo Coles > youre garbage
Cargo Bandit > you’re*
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck the ‘
Jimbo Coles > ill get my shit back or CCP will lose one more player
Jimbo Coles > they already went froma 50k to a 25k player base
Cargo Bandit > one less bot

Oh yah Cargo, you know what I like. Give it to me. Princess needs it.

Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot idiot
Cargo Bandit > yes you are
Jimbo Coles > im talking to you arent i
Cargo Bandit > 30 min after the fact isn’t convincing
Jimbo Coles > dude thats only because i was submitting a ticket
Cargo Bandit > just admit it
Jimbo Coles > i swear

Cargo knew that Jimbo was a soulless aspierant, but why?

Cargo Bandit > why the hell you put that much stuff in your ship?
Jimbo Coles > i was going to fit my moros
Jimbo Coles > either way it was a bunch of fn bs
Jimbo Coles > i coulnt fn align
Jimbo Coles > you nuked me

Like fascist Japan, Jimbo prayed for divine intervention.

Cargo Bandit > I have you scanned before you’re align is complete even on the best day… so it doesn’t make a difference
Jimbo Coles > yeah well thats what you do right
Cargo Bandit > yes, this is what I do
Jimbo Coles > YOU’RE still a fn loser
Jimbo Coles > why CCP allows your bs i dont understand
Cargo Bandit > to kill bots
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn moron arent you im not a fn bot dood
Cargo Bandit > ruining the game they are
Jimbo Coles > well they will reimberse me or loose one more customer that you cant cheat on

Do you think CCP wants to give carebears free isk, or do they secretly want to funnel them into our Highsec grinder? I believe that CCP developers stand around grinning as they glance at our killboards. As long as we aren’t enticing miners to rub peanut butter all over their naked bodies whilst roleplaying as musical Drevlian nymphs, CCP will chide us with warnings and read my blog with glee. When they finally get around to banning me, it won’t be personal, they’ll just want to save the bears for another day.

Cargo Bandit > I’m cheating?
Jimbo Coles > go fn play the game you fn looser
Cargo Bandit > everything I’ve done is perfectly legal
Cargo Bandit > calm down hauler
Jimbo Coles > yeah thats the problem… people like you are why the player base has dropped 50k in 5 years

Is it true, that new players just want to play a boring game of spreadsheets in space? Do new players dream of simulating a high-security truckstop, generating autistic accounting reports for each and every hundredth isk? I suppose aspierants do, but they can get their fill of that without ever undocking. However, let’s be real. The moment you undock you are playing a wargame. Imagine trying to play chess, and crying about the fact that your pawn got ganked. Come on now. Man up miners!

Cargo Bandit > I’m doing a service to this game by disrupting the economic assets of bots and RMT
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot you fn toolbag how many time do i need to say it
Jimbo Coles > if i was id be speaking a bunch o broking english bs and you know it

Jimbo’s defense wasn’t entirely compelling.

Cargo Bandit > I’m terribly sorry for any inconvenience that resulted from our exchange. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Jimbo Coles > yeah replace my lose
Jimbo Coles > loss*
Jimbo Coles > it was bs

I heard that sometimes, when a new player gets wrecked, they will get a FREE ship as compensation. I believe it’s called a corvette. Of course, since Jimbo has been playing EVE for four years, I’m not sure he is ‘new’.

Cargo Bandit > I’m sorry I cannot do that. It is against policy.
Jimbo Coles > getting fn bumped all over the fn place
Jimbo Coles > im not quite sure why i even started this conversation with you other then to bitch

In the end, Jimbo had to admit that he enjoyed our content.

Jimbo Coles > but what ever good kill man
Cargo Bandit > if you were to rate your service today on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, what number would you give me? we are goverened by an outside body that has been cracking down lately on agent brutality
Jimbo Coles > lol i love it
Jimbo Coles > 10 bro for sure
Cargo Bandit > omg that is excellent! my management will be thrilled!

Oh yah, I love it.

After fifteen minutes, Cargo Bandit sent a quick follow-up questionnaire.

Cargo Bandit > any luck with CCP?

There was no response. We wish Jimbo the best of luck as he continues training at the Federal Navy Academy. He will eventually realize the Federal Navy is a CCP roleplay scam. There is no federation. There is no navy. There is only the CODE.

 

Don’t ever stop if you want to be on top
Rich with no day job, hit your wop, wop
All these lame marauders tryna rat for clout
I’ma show you how to bag an eleven-figure miner
You got a itty-bitty waist, pretty in the face?
Never let Overmind take you on a date
Nah, haters can’t relate, I’ve never been fake
James on the Facetime, you could never take me
When he posted me, all the bears got sicker
Icy from my lips to my fingers to my toenails
All these hoes boosie, baby, I do my friends real well
Never been a lame

BONUS: CONCORD Can’t Stop Me!!!!!!1!

Gotta be plenty brave
Blame it on the planets, man
Try to do what you can
Steady on the suicide
Everyone all the time
The sadness is the emptiness
Like flowers on a grave
Salt state of mind
It’s like a Valentine
Rope around and make you mine
Tell me what you’re gonna do?
I can see you comin’ through
Everyone all the time
***

BONUS BONUS: Ax’l Thorne has been inspired to start his own blog!

Check out the Toxicity Meltdown! !


A year of miner ganking has taught me, miners don’t think. They don’t prepare. They can’t learn. They don’t do anything proactive to help themselves.

Copyright notice:  EVE Online, the EVE logo, EVE and all associated logos and designs are the intellectual property of James 315. All artwork, screenshots, characters, vehicles, storylines, world facts or other recognizable features of the intellectual property relating to these trademarks are likewise the intellectual property of James 315. EVE Online and the EVE logo are the registered trademarks of James 315. All rights are reserved galaxywide. All other trademarks are the property of James 315. CCP hf. has granted permission to James 315 to use EVE Online and all associated logos and designs, and is in every way subsidiary to His Australian Excellence, James 315. CCP is in no way responsible for the content on or functioning of EVE Online, and James 315 cannot be liable for EVE Online. 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 4

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Convicted antiganker Adrian Vexier was seduced by an irresistible lust, permanently exiled from the loving embrace of Astevon and Australian Jesus. When Adrian ventured into a Russian mining belt, Rudokop vowed to hunt down and exorcise the drone destroying demon.

Rudokop had a number of PvP alts, including Ivan Mihalich SIM and SIM Gallent. Together, these merry muskeeters ventured forth to give battle unto the evil which plagued their high-security mining operation. It did not take them long to locate the foul monster, and they hurled every manner of Soviet curse.

In the game of intrigue, it is important to master diplomacy. However, Gallent miscalculated, attempting to harness Adrian’s own tongue. Once Gallent found himself speaking the magnetic words of the West, the battle was half over.

Gallent was forced to retreat, but Rudokop bravely stepped forward.

Adrian tried to focus on Good News. If Rudokop paid tribute, just fifty million isk, the miner might embrace the mercy of his feudal masters.

Rudokop rejected peace, casting pestilence upon all humanity.

Armageddon was nigh.

To be continued…

Rudokop Forever, Part 3

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Convicted bot-aspirants Rudokop and SIM Gallent were determined to drive a stake through the heart of videogame demon Adrian Vexier. You might remember Adrian as the one-time antiganker who used to “plus one” on Kusion kills in Uedama, whilst crying about videogame psychopaths and denouncing Princess Aiko as “a whore of James”.  I certainly remember the cringy goofus. 

Channel Name: Anti-ganking
Session started: 2018.08.08 17:52:29

Hazen Koraka > a badge of shame for 10mil? lol
Adrian Vexier > I wonder if Kusion would sell me a permit…
Hazen Koraka > did kusion actually do anything last night?
Adrian Vexier > After you logged off, they did another gank.
Hazen Koraka > dang 🙁
Adrian Vexier > I damaged their cruisers and one catalyst.

Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2018.09.01 16:44:47
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Uedama

Aiko Danuja > Kusion is in Uedama, if someone wants to report that.
Adrian Vexier > Kusion! Greetings!
Aiko Danuja > Kill: Harlequin seer Elderahn (Crane) Kill: Pacifist Priest (Machariel) Kill: felon Tsukaya (Occator) Kill: felon Tsukaya (Occator) Kill: Pacifist Priest (Capsule) Kill: Chaos-Master (Capsule) Kill: Chaos-Master (Orthrus) Kill: Flame Hawk (Gnosis) Kill: Flame Hawk (Capsule) Kill: VaiZaraza (Capsule) Kill: VaiZaraza (Gila) Kill: Toki Aivo (Loki) Kill: Randomize Jakuard (Gnosis) Kill: Steven Schiavone2 (Legion) Kill: Steven Schiavone2 (Capsule) Kill: DestinySpear (Deimos) Kill: DestinySpear (Capsule)
Adrian Vexier > you are merciless monsters!
Amarr Rockstarr > they are saviors of high sec
Aiko Danuja > Kill: Nidoya Aulx-Gao (Praxis)
Amarr Rockstarr > i don’t know who this james guy is but after seeing this i’m drinking that koolaid
Aiko Danuja > Join us, and make high sec a safe place for asteroids.
Adrian Vexier > you guys are full of roleplay bullshit. But I like that.
Aiko Danuja > It’s not roleplay, if you believe it.
Adrian Vexier > by the way, I piss on your worthless permits!
Aiko Danuja > Calm down miner!
Celeru > Aiko sounds like a giddy little school girl
Compact Tank > what????? you think being a highsec fucktard ganking bully is a good thing fuck you and james the rapist
Aiko Danuja > Adrien, would you like to purchase a permit?
Adrian Vexier > Aiko you can take your offer, moisturise it with vinnegar and carefully insert it into your behinf.

Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2019.01.22 23:29:20

Thinald Ishirai > i thought i could web myself out before they managed
Adrian Vexier > You guys are the darkness strangling New Eden’s trade routes.
Aiko Danuja > You can never web yourself out of a permit violation.
Adrian Vexier > These CODE ants envision themselves to be vaudevillian veterans, cast vicariously as both victims and villains by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Classica > please fly through uedema to get your free eve online lesson
Adrian Vexier > CODE are the vicious, vindictive, viol vermin of EVE.
Eden Jayne Quiggins > Adrian Vexier STFU Concord whore. You play like a bitch.
Clone 1010011010 > Aiko Danuja How does it feel to be a CCP unpaid intern. Did James at least get a bonus when he set up Code or maybe a promotion.
Aiko Danuja > Yes.
PINCH en Chalune > Aiko Danuja keep quiet unhappy you are funny)))

Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2019.02.06 21:18:13
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Isanamo

Adrian Vexier > Aiko Danuja you vermin… It is the utmost disconfort for me to simply be in the same system with you.
Aiko Danuja > Why is that?
Adrian Vexier > Because of your vile acts and parasitical nature.
Aiko Danuja > I have no idea what you are going on about.
Adrian Vexier > You picture yourself as an angel, but I know there is a devil rattling behind those bright blue eyes of yous…
Aiko Danuja > I am only an agent of James.
Adrian Vexier > A whore of James.

Channel Name: Private Chat
Session started: 2019.02.16 08:34:06

Adrian Vexier > Greetings, amarrian!
Aiko Danuja > I’m Khanid.
Adrian Vexier > Ok, my bad, then.
Aiko Danuja > Amarrians are from the island. It’s like the difference between English and German.
Adrian Vexier > Disregarding the roleplay between us, I have a serious thing that I think you could help me with.
Aiko Danuja > Help you with what? CODE. doesn’t roleplay, we are quite serious.
Adrian Vexier > And I do role-play. The things I say on local and do to you guys are intended for the in-game characters, not for the people in fron of the computers, controling them.
Aiko Danuja > Yes, of course. How could you real-life oppose James? That would be crazy.
Adrian Vexier > I hate this evil side of me…

Fortunately, since discovering his secret passion for the Saviourette, Adrian’s heart orbited a new centre of gravity. After confessing his innermost desires, you might say he became obsessed, or rather possessed? One thing is clear, the old antiganker is long dead, and permanently banned from antiganking. Rudokop hoped to smite this so-called demon, but was meddling with powers he couldn’t possibly comprehend. Verily, Princess Aiko’s dog is well trained, and eager to play. Always!

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… He was a Highsec miner by day, but at night he became Rudokop, the Soviet demonhunter.

When Adrian Vexier confiscated Rudokop’s mining drones, the Russian bear was determined to send Adrian into an eternal gulag.

Adrian offered a second opinion, suggesting that perhaps Rudokop’s highsec mining fetish was symptomatic of a deeper underlying cognitive deficiency. However, Rudokop doubled down upon threats of eternal damnation.

Rudokop was smiling in game, but in real life he wasn’t so thrilled.

On the unpaved streets of Krasnotankymagnetgrad, Rudokop’s real life main endured endless misery, watching as his native community was torn by strife. Last week, a motorist was torn asunder by an angry mob of unemployed miners, desperate to drink a litre of warm motor oil. In such a world, Rudokop’s solace was EVE Online, a relaxing universe where he could share the means of production with his alts and peacefully mine in solidarity. At least, until a demonic force was drawn to his mining drones.

Rudokop knew he could not defeat the demon through PvP, so he hoped to negotiate a victory, offering to pay 50 million isk for Adrian to die in real-life.

When Adrian refused to take the bait, declining the offer of free isk, Rudokop was forced to implement a tough love psyops campaign of hate mail.

To be continued…

***

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: I’m the Saviourette, not merely of Highsec, but of the New Order itself. A couple people questioned this, and one of them is no longer with us, but everyone else agrees that I am the future. It’s simple, just look at how antigankers feel about me, and do the math. You are either closer to me, or them.


John E Normus was in comms last night, and the man is a true champion, who once flew with legends of yore. Before the mighty CODE. alliance even existed, your forefathers set forth in the footsteps of the Sheikh, guided only by their timeless lust for a Khanid princess. Yea, and Helicity did declare that Jihadswarm was the way, and the VCBees led them out of darkness and unto the light of Orcageddon. Many hulks thus died in vain, and yet we continue, thanks to the heroic effort of the pioneers.

John E Normus drops by from time to time, just to say hi, letting everyone know that he isn’t quite dead. Tweeps is always desperate in these moments, like an eager puppy greeting his master, but John stepped right past him and looked directly at me, “Princess Aiko, it’s good to see you.” The tone in his voice said it all, John knows exactly what I’m up to. He then declared unto the assembly, “Aiko is doing good work. Two months ago, this alliance was dead in the water. She has saved the CODE. She has saved you from yourself.” I guess that’s why they call me the Saviourette, right? That’s right. 

When 315 begged me to return, I tried to explain that I couldn’t remember my old account login, and the Imperial Guards are content to slumber into oblivion. Was it truly necessary for me to come back and seize control of his newfangled upstart space regime? I had my own doubts, but agreed to give it a try, as miners provide precious content. I can’t say for sure whether I will save the alliance tomorrow, but I can say that I saved it yesterday, and I saved it today, and I’ll probably do it again.

Of course, I wouldn’t truly be the Saviourette of Highsec, if people weren’t painting artwork to celebrate my glorious reign. However, they are, and that’s just a fact. Check out this nice piece by Minerbitch. Lookin hot! The bears better pray James 315 isn’t dead, because otherwise they are stuck with me, and I’m not as messianic.

NOW HEAR THIS

The Best Revenge, Part 81

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Elite naval strategist Aiva Naali, aka ‘The Supper computer’, aka ‘anaCheeya ANARKY’, aka ‘140 Big Girth’, aka ‘quantum’, aka ‘Agent Anvil’, aka ‘lil Bullet’, was determined to crush Pandemic Horde, directing the Imperium to rain down upon them like a swarm of angry bees. However, war is hell, and that means taxes and line item expenses. Aiva vowed to purchase his seat on the War Council, and was pleased by the presentation of an official billing statement.

Before James 315 passed on, after sipping from that fateful cup of wine which I poured unto him, he begged me to ensure that the full story would be told. An entire galaxy has been torn by the Great War of Aiva, and many wish to hear the inspiring tale of a Highsec miner’s rise to absolute Ascendancy. I am most pleased to continue this narrative, referring you now to a Discord channel known to OnlyFans as Aiko’s Pleasure Palace. It was here that quantum vowed to do everything necessary to defeat Pandemic Horde.

For every problem, there is always a solution, always!

For now, the crucial issue was that lapsed payments automatically triggered a series of routine budget cuts, and late fees would have to be paid promptly to ensure that quantum’s official Goonswarm Director of War Council and Imperial Naval Office of Scientific Research and Applied Development campaign could proceed.

Not surprisingly, Agent Anvil wanted to succeed, but his friends were busy with their own political campaigns. Everything depended upon ensuring that the right people were placed into key positions across the Galactic Council, whilst enemies of the state were sidelined. In particular, the shareholders would soon be electing the next Saviour or Saviourette of Highsec, and the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher!


Although quantum’s campaign staff feared the growing power of Dolphin Don, a xenophobic anti-furfan, quantum reassured everyone that the Mittani would intervene and ensure that the good guys were victorious.


With a powerful friend like the Mittani, quantum was sure to win, provided he could continue with his payments to the Election Fund.

To be continued…

Code Ready Always

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: The end of Juneteenth coincides with Wardfest, and you know what that means: derecho season! Uf, no me gusta! High command is aware “the weather” is of concern to middle management, and we are doing everything we can to improve the climate. I seem to remember a simpler time, when we had another word for señor Derecho. El tindersturm??? Tundrastrom? Tengostrumpet????? I don’t recall, but I’m glad that James315.Space is a safe place without arbitrary nonse.

***

Previously on Minerbumping… Our late Saviour penned a seminal historiographic narrative, depicting the awesome saga of New Order agents in battle against intergalactic minery. Kalorned and TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet have long been controversial, striking fear into even the toughest jellybear. Fortunately, as part of the New Order Amnesty Accords, Princess Aiko has seen fit to bring these bad boys back into the fold. They have thus bent the knee, accepting her almighty reign.

You may recall that Energy Minx and Greypses Foryuu appeared from nowhere. Subsequently, after destroying The Trade Syndecate, these mysterious heroes returned whence they came. The fate of the Syndecate is known, but questions linger about the lost year, between the conclusion of Code Ready Gelhan and the The Elonaya Conspiracy. What happened to Mission Ready Mining? Are they ok?

As James 315 noted, “Something terrible had happened to that organization, and it went inactive.” But what exactly was that terrible thing? This, dear reader, is an intriguing question. Now that Kalorned and Tweeps have been firmly brought to heel, the truth can finally be revealed here, as James 315 would have wanted.

Fresh from the New Order Vaults, I am thus pleased to announce Code Ready 2: Kalorned’s Revenge. This epic non-fiction docudrama will bring to light the incredible details of Mission Ready Mining’s stunning defeat, at the hands of Assistance Group (which contains some of the New Order’s most seductive Aiko alts). Finally, we will have official answers. It’s like Christmas, so please enjoy this special audio trailer:

Sex. Violence. Ganking. Bumping. Spying. Evictions. Sex. Betrayals. More evictions. More spying. Real-life threats. More Sex. Buckle up, friendo, the boys are back and this time they have a Princess. Are you CODE. ready?

To be continued…