October 2020 – Page 3 – ‎James 315 Space

Pay Your Rent

Every now and again, a new returning player will come to EVE, and they will decide to be a whale. They pay CCP a bunch of money, and CCP is happy to accept, because they know the New Order is here to balance the budget.

When James 315 made me the official executor of the mighty CODE. alliance, passing mechanical control into my dainty palms, he had one request, “Kill the miners. Kill them all. I don’t care if they are a two-day old noob Venture, or a Marshal, I want you to burn them out and utterly destroy them. That is my Will, and you are my little Sword of Restoration.” Well, I didn’t feel my dizzy self was up to it, but when the Supreme Protector gives you a direct order, you don’t sit around questioning His wisdom!

I was in a tizzy, unsure how to proceed, but people like Cargo Bandit heard my siren’s cry. They materialized out of abyssal space, ready and able to enforce the CODE. One glance at pokoko, and Cargo knew what to do.

It’s not easy dealing with miners. They lie, cheat, and try to scam us at every opportunity. pokoko didn’t want to pay 20 billion isk for her mining permit, even though it was offered at a fair and reasonable market rate.

pokoko joined my invincible Why Was I Ganked? channel, watching with uncertainty, wondering if permits and rental contracts are actually a valid part of EVE gameplay. However, as Blake McAllister of the honorable New Order Mining Authority conducted business, pokoko could see this is all routine. Unfortunately, pokoko is a tight-fisted Scrooge, and she roleplayed as a despicable poor.

Cargo knows how much I love the miners, just as James always did, and she mercifully offered a generous discount rate.

pokoko decided to play hardball, but Cargo offered a clear warning.

This got pokoko thinking. Maybe citizenship is desirable?

A valid CODE. mining permit guarantees safety in nullsec, lowsec, and jsec, and it also ensures absolute immunity across the entirety of Highsec!

pokoko could see the New Order is bustling, and the clock was ticking…

To be continued…

***

BONUS: The Saviour of Highsec is now a sexy Saviourette, and everyone has been wanting to show their unconditional love and support. Minerbitch thought long and hard, concluding that you should add SIMP 4 AIKO emojis to your Discord server. For one billion isk, you can have your very own submission tag.

After reviewing around one hundred variants, I finally settled upon my personal preference, which has a nice outline.

I like the attention. It makes James jealous.

Вбивства тижня

Kills of the Previous Week

Once a week, we like to verify the New Order is alive, by listing our glorious ‘kills of the week’. Usually, all we can manage are a couple noob Ventures, and the occasional Retriever. However, this week was different. Here are some Радянські ведмеді, arrested between October 4 @ 00:00 and October 10 @ 23:59.

Stormgnun was buzzing about in a ship that technically could shoot back, and he was also a member of the secondmost wonderful alliance to ever exist in any reality. He felt truly invincible, cramming his cheap vessel full of magical items, which would assure him victory in any engagement. Alas, the North magnets respectfully descended with the fury of three icenados, and Stormgnun learned why you shouldn’t listen to salty nullbears, who pretend the CODE. isn’t a real thing. The Mittani has my regard.

People often ask me if ganking is profitable. What do you think?

***

Pomodor was celebrating the successful conclusion of his first month in EVE. He was a quick learner, proudly displaying his Consortium Vorton Projector, and decided it was time to invade Isanamo. Gallente Citizen, Our Lady Entropy, and Allie Vaille sent Pomodor straight to the biomass queue. Thanks for playing!

Apparently, EVE isn’t a pay to win game? Back to Candy Crush!

***

LANVIKA TheForkbeard is a notorious pirate. When Hillbilly-2000 and Ulianov discovered LANVIKA has been stealing my ore, they gave her a close shave and hung her giblets from a yardarm. We don’t tolerate space bullies in Highsec.

***

tokoroten eins is a scammer, who stole a Skiff from the Caldari Navy. The New Eden Institute of Applied Mathematics defeated him with numbers.

***

brandon pablon thought he was safe, without any CODE. agents in local. Unfortunately, Hell Dawn is basically the exact same group. If anybody gets a chance, ask Amonkhira Drell whether he is willing to SRP my hauler alts. I’m gonna guess not, isn’t that right? I’m just glad you finally got your Raitaru back, friend.

***

Silance McCrackin loved his Askleps, but Blade Rayl didn’t approve. Oh well.

I’n drink

This bonus room just got out of control, and I’m sitting here finishing a bottle of cranberry vodka, not really sure what to write.

People have been submitting quality content, and I want to write something, but that would also require me to sober up and actually do my job.

One of my favourite blog topics is myself.

I also kinda like Guybertini.

I don’t mind sharing this sacred space with others. Last night, I went on a sleazy date with some loser, and he was trying to get the details on what exactly I write about. I explained that people from all over the world write gibberish, and all their insane hatemail gets sent to me. I’m the disorganized center of the universe.

I checked out Twitch, and invited a streamer to my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel. It’s obviously the best channel in the galaxy. Like, hello? This nullbear was concerned that CODE. ganks hapless noobs, but when I dunked on a nineteen day-old Venture, even he had to admit this is amusing.

Let’s just face the facts, ok? James 315 put me on a pedestal, which confirms him as the coolest man in the history of EVE…

… and I’m just happy to help.

I love shooting miners.

They totes deserve it!

So, like, I’m not gonna stop.

I’m just getting started.

Europa Aiko, Part 2

Listening to: Sundown

Europe Aiko, Part 1

I feel like the galaxy revolves around me. My mom says I’m just a spoiled brat. The therapist says I’m a narcissistic sociopath, with underlying psychopathies. The grumpy bears claim that I’m a lawful evil space bully, and the police insist that I’m no longer allowed to dollar double at Wal-Mart. However, Li Gazer could tell that I’m a true Princess, a verified Lady of Agil. Li01 Gazer also saw the good in me, and so did Li02 Gazer, Li03 Gazer, Li04 Gazer, Li05 Gazer, Li06 Gazer, Li07 Gazer, Li08 Gazer, Li09 Gazer, Li10, Li10 Gazer, Li11 Gazer, CoverAgent, and MiFreightergirl.

We threw a surprise 65th birthday party for Li, a real-life Wiccan warlock, and leader of the all-star Mining Witches for World Peace. It was a lot of fun.

At first, MiFreightergirl thought we forgot about Li’s birthday.

Consequently, our initial encounter was a little awkward…

… nothing that couldn’t be resolved by a friendly chat.

All the space lawyers agree. This is required, by law.

Mi eventually calmed down.

So we got Li & the Mining Witches into Teamspeak.

At first, Li tried to scam us.

However, we soon developed an understanding.

I’m a nice girl, a Princess actually, in real-life. When I gave him Daddy’s phone number, Li consulted Google, and confirmed that I definitely am heir apparent to Savoia and the entire Hapsburg realm. I already knew this, of course, but Li was pleasantly surprised to meet a real-life Lady. His tone and demeanor immediately changed, after Lisa Tears described all the charity work that I support with my prestigious Oxford Fund. For the first time, Li understood the awesome power of the CODE.

Li was no longer a bitter old man, swearing and cursing. Instead, he was transformed, and felt young again. I naturally sang the Happy Birthday song, and then Li enjoyed some traditional karaoke, gleefully singing Bombs over Baghdad and about fifty-five other songs. I’m pretty sure he was drinking, as he began openly fantasizing about a beautiful woman who plays EVE naked, wearing only a tiara. My goodness! He really seemed to like the idea, almost as much as he liked the idea of multiboxing rorquals.

There was magic in the air, as Li held an official Wiccan séance. He cast a white spell of invulnerability upon me, solemnly summoning the magnets of the north, east, south, and west. Everyone witnessed Aiko become invincible, and thus it was time to transfer everything to James 315, because that’s how these things are done.

James 315 is the most trustworthy man in EVE.

Li was having a great time, headed straight to the Delve. On the way, he needed to make a quick stop at Aiko’s Tranquility Trading Tower, located in beautiful Perimeter. Li was duly impressed, when he saw my private space station.

It took a while, but each and every Li had their moment of glory.

One by one, they enlisted in the mighty Goonswarm Federation.

Even MiFreightergirl agreed to go ‘over there’.

In a game like EVE, friendship is truly overpowered.

As I played my lute, the Libots hopped into a biomass grinder.

On a whim, Li sold his soul, for a new Rorqual main.

I’ll see you in 1DQ, friend.

***

Dumb miner, you better take care
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
You can see me lyin back in my satin dress
In a room where I do what ya don’t believe

When I get feelin better, when I’m feelin no pain
When I feel like I’m winnin, and I’m winnin again
I’ve been lookin like a queen in a carebear dream
I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in my lovin is your first mistake
And I don’t always say what I really mean

I’m a hard lovin woman, and I’m feelin mean
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
Sometimes, I think it’s a shame
Sometimes, I think it’s a sin

***

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #216

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #215

Bears are lonely souls, who desperately yearn for a personal relationship with their official Saviourette. It’s difficult to help miners, write a blog, and be a good housewife. I don’t know how I manage to look so great. Maybe I was born with it?

Some crabs like don’t like me, and I’m like totes fine. I don’t like like them very much either, to be like quite frank, miners like disgust me.

I like like people who like naturally like gravitate into my like orbit, and submit unconditionally unto me. I expect feudal subservience, my divine birthright. For example, Molagne Deninard was trying to steal my ore, and was surprised to discover his Twitch had viewers. Meanwhile, he warped from belt to belt, desperately trying to escape justice. He was breathing heavily, unsure where to go, whom could he trust? Eventually, he made the right decision, calming down to embrace fate.

Other miners make a slightly less optimal decision.

In order to advance our civilization, I have been encouraging miners to practice arts and crafts. I’m always pleased to see what they come up with.

There’s a secret message in the sky! If you stare long enough, you might notice my name, written amongst the stars. Of course, some gobloks prefer to compose essays, and I always (get it?) encourage them to express their little feelings.

Some carebears claim we are space bully griefers, that we just want to upset them and bathe in salty tears. Honestly (no roleplay here), I do enjoy that, but what brings me the most pleasure is knowing miners are grateful to die…

… and pay for the right to stamp my name on their bio.

It’s fair to say that I’m legitimately space famous.

I didn’t earn all this attention, but I definitely inherited it.

I know what the people want.

Somewhere, in Hek, James is proud of me.

He is proud of the CODE.

To Stupid, Part 3

To Stupid, Part 1

When the Saviourette happens to be a beautiful young woman, miners take notice. They like what they see, but don’t like what it means for their wallet.

Previously, in James 315 Space, Alt 00 was concerned about a troublesome miner. Naturally, I understood right away, what she was dealing with. It’s just not easy being a lady. Female gankers have to work twice as hard, both dunking the foolish miners and simultaneously fending off their amorous advances.

Adrien Naline still doesn’t understand why Alt won’t put out.

He makes her uncomfortable, not just in-game, but in real life. It is disturbing to realize that someone is fantasizing about mining your mouth. It’s even more alarming when you notice that multiple men share this same obsession.

We try to be polite, but miners constantly push our boundaries.

We only want their money, and assets. That’s it! There is no need for unsolicited poems, rambling mails, and invitations to visit San Diego.

This just continues, year after year…

CCP protects carebear mining autists, but the CSM is a bastion of toxic masculinity, and the angels of Highsec endure endless abuse.

Adrien yearns to abduct Alt 00.

Like ~~most stalkers~~ all miners, he is mentally unstable.

Fortunately, us girls know exactly how to deal with men.

Of course, they often respond inappropriately to rejection.

Ginger Ale907 posted an offensive image, which was not censored.

View the scandalous image, at your discretion!

CCP just doesn’t care, but even Adrien was shocked.

The other miners didn’t understand…

… but Adrien is starting to get it.

Gankers don’t date miners.

The Best Revenge, Part 87

The Best Revenge Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James315.Space… Emperor avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka the Suppercomputer, was quarantined in Goonswarm’s Fuehrerbunker. Here, he was protected by Princess Aiko, and kept safe from Dolphin Don’s tweepsy Pandemic tentacles. He was also assisted by a friendly Slackbot, an automated farming system designed to keep avia fully informed of important news and developing events.

It wasn’t clear whether Fraternity was planning a haymaker offensive, or a mere tactical assault, but Slackbot had faith that Globby’s successor would understand how to deal with Goonswarm’s restless enemies.

As avia explained, channeling Sun Tzu, there are two methods of defending on a system size scale. You might dance around, warping here and there, until the enemy is bored to death. On the other hand, you can dock up, until they start pounding on Keepstars. Subsequently, you should chase them away! In either scenario, Slackbot advises regular hand-washing, to avoid ingesting germs and detrius.

A man of the people, avia would often pause to acknowledge the heroic efforts of common line members, praising them in his Message of the Day.

From time to time, Emperor avia, aka Agent Anvil, would read MinerBumping.com, where he noticed that the propaganda department was infringing upon matters of operational security. Therefore, he ordered Aiko to bop James 315.

Indeed, considering how many Keepstars and faction Fortizars have been lost, it is clear that James made a grievous blunder. Why didn’t he coordinate the message with his favourite ‘lil bullet? Now you understand why I had to bop James, as avia’s own theorycrafting has been turned against the mighty Federation!

avia enjoyed taunting his arch-nemesis, Pan Fam Joe, the lead theorycrafter for Pandemic Horde. At times, he would also deride CSM Sort Dragon. However, perhaps the goading went too far, as Pan Fam Joe and CSM Sort Dragon began to fill TEST executor Vily’s silly blonde head with thoughts of mutiny.

Many people believe that avia did not anticipate Vily’s treachery, but the archives show that avia expected TEST to cancel the non-aggression pact. Vily begged everyone to “please ignore” her mobilization, but avia saw through the deception. Indeed, in early May, the Kingpin began preparing for a two-front war against both Pandemic Horde and TEST. Praise be upon Emperor avia!

It is only through avia’s leadership, and restructuring of the Delve superhighway (with displaced renter ghettos), that we managed to halt the enemy and prepare our Great Counteroffensive. Verily, avia has full faith.

Vily is a robotic double traitor, and must be humiliated!

In order to crush Vily, avia developed the now famous fit tree design doctrine. As you know, class 1c ships form the bulwark of our line, supplemented by class1c1 long range and class1cs short range vessels. Meanwhile, class2c fit fast attack ships harass the enemy, distracting them from advancing class 3c sledge hammers. Behind enemy lines, class 4c fangs conduct unrestricted submarine warfare, whilst class 5 c mage battles provide field engineer /support. In reserve, to keep enemy titans at bay, class 1u ballquals are deployed to encumpis the hive. If James wasn’t forcibly retired, he probably would have revealed this doctrine prematurely, but we can now confirm that it caught Vily by surprise! Sources report that she is truly HUMILIATED by our glorious fit tree design fleet.

Of course, no doctrine is complete without a few trick fits…

To be continued..

Rudokop Forever, Part 9

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space… Adrian Vexier upset Soviet goblok Rudokop Forever, who sent an alt to discretely warn Adrian’s alts.

Sim Gallent aspired to bothood.

What happened?

Everyone agreed, this was for the best…

…despite objections from Rudokop.

Alas, the Jamespocalypse fell upon Arraron, and Rudokop feared that ghastly creatures from EVE Online were spreading evil in reality. He finally understood who was bumping his Orca, it was none other than Erotica 1, the Devil himself!

Rudokop may be a Soviet miner, but he is also a pious orthodox Christian.

Or maybe, he is just a salty roleplayer?

Regardless, Adrian wanted him to be a happy miner.

Alas, Rudokop is perpetually upset.

Adrian just can’t stop winning.

Rudokop just can’t stop whining.

He will cry forever.

To be continued…

Zabójstwa Tygodnia

Kills of the Previous Week

Here are some Highsec niedźwiedzie, eliminated between September 27 @ 00:00 EVEtime and October 3 @ 23:59 EVEtime.

***

It’s common knowledge that CODE. doesn’t shoot ships that can shoot back. However, when our enemies fit their ships like James Baboli, we just never encounter any. Votre Dieu was disappointed this cargo Loki didn’t drop blingy garbage, but that’s fine. Don’t worry, there will be another goofus soon.

***

Ernst Steinitz isn’t the only agent to be surprised by the poor decision-making skills of the mining caste. Recently, my good friend Gallente Citizen I spotted an illegal bot. She was left speechless by Francesca Celine’s poor programming.

***

GreenEarth Aurora is playing EVE all backwards. When Don Purple showed up with a Nereus, GreenEarth learned that ganking is elite PvP.

***

Fjake is a member of the Sylvnais Argeir Military. They are well funded, but if your multi billion isk warship is destroyed by three Catalysts, that’s not cool. Hillbilly-2000 didn’t even need to use all of his alts.

***

James 315 was a rational man, but I’m unhinged. His Kills of the Week took place within the course of a week, but mine are timeless. Anyways, Talivaldis was just another dumb Nestor pilot, forgettable in every way. However, he has become obsessed with Princess Aiko, chasing her around and desperately seeking attention with endless messages, cringy mails, random trade offers, and invitations to get naked and hang out. He is harassing me, even stalking me, and we all know why. He kind of likes me.

As if!

Of course, he isn’t the least bit upset that I sunk his battleship.

***

sangwooLee sangwooLee wanted to dispose of his trash, so he stuck it all in an ORE expanded freighter and headed to Uedama. Pranav Singh and the beautiful Highsec Goddess are always willing to help someone confront their hoarding problem.

***

Victor Victor Rothwulf has a history of losing blingy pods, but I guess you never know when you’ll need a 6% boost to large hybrid turrets on an Orca. Zopiclone suggested to Victor that this might be a good time to try being sensible.

Nineteen hours later, when Victor finally checked on his bot, he was ashamed.

CODE. is Back

Listening to: Selection 40

***

The mighty CODE. alliance never actually left, but regardless, we are back (again). Agents don’t need sleep, we just need more synthetic coffee.

Sentinul wasn’t sure how to check what alliance Ebb Eto is in, but he had a suspicion, maybe. It was hard to tell, although there were clues.

Sentinul was a happy miner. He spent an entire day, mining to his heart’s content, earning the in-game equivalent of approximately a dollar.

I can understand how Sentinul felt, celebrating another glorious victory. However, I think his expectations might be a little low. He was isk positive, but a month of PLEX is currently valued at 1.3 billion isk, which means that Sentinul would need to grind for a fortnight. Indeed, he was starting to do the math.