Author: Princess Aiko

Kage Rage, Part 5

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… kage1982 lost a Hulk, and a Barghest. As he bathed in CODE. tears, gleefully measuring his salt/hour, he struck an alliance with Chinese bots and began to proudly clamp his hands.

kage was thrilled to see CODE. agents flee Isanamo, warping their Catalysts away to Uemisaisen and various other adjacent mining systems.

The miners of Isanamo rallied around their glorious new supreme leader, proclaiming him to be the resurrection of Lahnius, and the latest Overmind in a long line of failed gobloks. Unfortunately, although kage welcomed the Maoist Miners Liberation Front, he often struggled to understand his new comrades.

They were an odd couple, but with a little effort, the Maoists gradually coordinated their message and continued griefing the mighty CODE. alliance.

Proper salt extraction is a team effort, so kage and Wind shuttle practiced their vocabulary, winning hearts and minds. As Chairman Mao wrote, political work is the “life-blood” of civilization.

Kage had a favourite place to preach, outside the Home for Young Miners.

Meanwhile, Ernst Steinitz was super salty, and revoked kage’s tethering rights. This was amusing to kage, who was glad to see Ernst triggered.

With a space bully in Isanamo, would CODE. ever gank again?

To be continued…

 

 

Killings of the Week

Oh boy, it’s time for everyone’s favourite weekly episode of MinerBump James315.Space! Change sure is spooky! Here are some bears that got dunked between July 19th @ 00:00 EVEtime through July 25th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

I’ve heard a lot of people say that Kills of the Week was what James loved the most, because he got to relax on the veranda with a nice cool glass of lemonade. Well, I don’t like lemonade, but I sure do like to write about myself and the mighty New Order. Hey James, I’m working on my Kills of the Week post, so how ’bout you be a dear and fetch me a nice cool glass of cucumber juice?

***

I deserve it, because when Depraner was dumb enough to continue flying a ‘marauder’ in the exact same place where all the other dummies have been dying, I popped out of hyperwarp and wrecked him with a little help from Shadow Fireball, Alleil Pollard, and Whadda Badasaz. That’s right, I’m famous, because you already know who I am. Anyways, if I just let Zkill pick the kills of the week, I’d basically be the rest of the post. Let’s see what else is going down.

***

E Bobber jay was bobbing about in a Kadorian mining belt, but Highsec is no place for a “maximum carebear”. You know, some people think we make stuff up, but with EVE miners there is never any need to exaggerate. Aaaarrgg and Pod-Goo RepoWomansent the miner back to station. Hulkageddon might be gone, but Helicity Boson is right here!

***

They claim that CODE. is afraid to PvP, and won’t shoot ships that can shoot back. They even claim this when we dunk battleships, because they were PvE failfit. Well, Mallagan NightDiamond had an elite tactical destroyer, a souped up Catalyst with (get this) Federation Navy Magnetic Field Stabilizers. Zkillboard awarded Ulianov fifteen points, but he deserves bonus points, since he also had to fight CONCORD and the ‘police’. Does anyone really think Mallagan would have won this duel in lowsec?

***

The New Order is a beautiful thing, and our Pandemic Horde renters are getting into the game, blasting an Orca tanked Gila in Niarja. Let me give a shout out to my friends Highsec Goddes’ Lemming, lady aspin, and I Devour Lolis. Call me!

***

YangSham Po’s Chinese fit Loki was operating in a strategic location, when he was suddenly wrecked by Lupo lupindise, Captain544, and Herr Milbz. Xahaxaha, bro… Now that the CODE. is totally victorious, everyone is getting in on the action, and this mining Loki didn’t stand a chance.

***


The New Order isn’t just an alliance, it’s a veritable coalition, and our good buddies in Goonswarm sure are painting Jita. Asmodean Ishamael’s 18 billion isk freighter vanished within seconds, which makes me wonder what else he expected? I hope he enjoyed the content, and maybe someday I’ll get to hang out with strong alpha males like Blasty McVoidFace, Jayden Kusion, and Mjolnir Rage Torpedo.

***

After Depraner’s Golem exploded, he tried to escape, but was caught by cute new ganker: Buttercup Potemkin. Remember, replacing your brain with high-grade crystal meth might seem like a good idea, but it can get pretty expensive!

***

LAMENTATIONS: I find myself missing James everyday, and sometimes it gets so hard. I log into the  MinerBumping website and stare wistfully at pictures of myself, or watch a video about myself which ends with the  MinerBumping url. I sniffle and wonder whether James is out there, somewhere, watching me? Does he know that I still love him, with all my heart? Does he approve of me? Does he regret his decision to declare me as his only lawful successor for all time, bestowing the official scepter upon me, and proclaiming before the Mittani that I am for all legal purposes none other than James 315 himself? I wasn’t sure, so I set a candle on the window ledge and watched it for hours. Suddenly, it flickered, and I felt James come upon me. He entered me, and it felt so good. I know now that James still wants me. If he must be dead, then so must the miners. I speak for the trees!

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 2

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Kexis azaria was thrilled to purchase a mining permit, and had no objection whatsoever to paying more than 10 million isk. This is normal, as most miners yearn to escape their coffins.

After losing her worthless salvage junket, hyperlife wasn’t sure what to do. Princess Aiko decided it was time to teach the miner a few facts of life.

Hyperlife denied the very tenets of reality. Would it be possible to save her?

It appeared the permit sale was at an impasse. If a miner is ‘not’ a miner, then why would they need a mining permit? Indeed, hyperlife was convinced that her bright red killboard is proof of a warrior heritage.

There was a brief pause, as Aiko ganked another miner. Meanwhile, hyperlife waited patiently, eager to resume their conversation.

Hyperlife didn’t want that barge anyways, and now she was even more dissatisfied, holed up in some station with no spaceship. The official alliance channel (Why Was I Ganked?) became her sole means of gameplay, and hyperlife was beginning to appreciate her new CODE. friends. The negotiation thus began.

Other agents began to notice the hapless miner, and chimed in with helpful comments designed to facilitate full Code compliance.

Hyperlife was now ready to embrace her new future as a loyal citizen of the New Order, agreeing to return the assets she had stolen from James 315, and contract them to random strangers in a chat channel.

As hyperlife explained, CCP had failed to make PvE content engaging or interesting, and she was eager for meaningful PvP content. Although she was getting dunked on, at least she was finally playing EVE.

Personally, I’ve never found this game to be difficult, and my friends also seem to do quite well. We are the most powerful people in the galaxy! Ultimately, the key to our success, is the fact that Highsec miners are lonely.

It was thus that Princess Aiko decided to establish and fund the  Official Holy New Order Treasury , established for the purpose of financing Highsec gankers. In a solemn ceremony, presided over by the petrified corpse of James 315, the Lady Aiko announced that henceforth the OHNO fund would be the official epicenter of CODE. alliance financial arrears. It is her pleasure and privilege to oversee this account, and thereby secure her mechanical control of intergalactic minery. Afterward, to commemorate this auspicious occasion, the Queen Regent dunked another goblok marauder.

You may have heard horrific stories, of the spooky CODE. space bullies, who are mean and cruel and endlessly grief the innocent carebears. However, the story of hyperlife reveals a fundamental truth, and CCP investigators can read and reread the chatlogs to verify this account. Indeed, the miners love their CODE. agents, and they give unto us freely and joyfully, for they know that the CODE. is the only interesting content in EVE Online. At times, it may seem that a miner is upset, or his wife may appear to be having a real-life panic attack. I remember one old twitcher who began gasping for air, clutching at his chest and falling from his chair. These displays may appear genuine, but we know that it is mere roleplay, for the miners love us more than they love themselves (or their own families).

To be continued…

***

BONUS: You may have seen referral links floating about: Recruit a friend and get rewards! Now, carebears might tell you that these are only for new players, but I wanted to get to the bottom of the matter. Therefore, as the official Saviourette of Highec, I contacted my dear friend GM Dahui. Am I allowed to use the referral program to create endless hordes of CODE. ganking alts? Am I allowed to refer myself to EVE Online?

After carefully considering my request, and the full implications of his response, GM Dahui explained that players are indeed allowed to refer themselves. CCP knows that bears don’t have friends, and there hasn’t been a new player since my return in 2018. Indeed, the sole point of these referral programs is to help CCP scam Pearl Abyss, with some meaningless statistics about “new player engagement”. CCP wants every player to get a taste of the bonus room action, and with one million free skill points on the table, there’s never been a better time to biomass your old mining main.

Another Great Victory

The tragic news has riveted our galaxy, and he is mourned even in the darkest abyss. James was the man who strode forth and slew the beast, laughing as a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. He was the personal champion of Currin Trading, a brilliant financial guru, and the original scatman of Frostfire. It was James who successfully wooed the elf maiden, and publicly declared her to be his chosen Saviourette. It was a victorious life, and his victories are officially unceasing.

The Celebration of Life ceremony was a stunning success, and everyone who attended was left in awe. Some will wish they had more time, and others will wish they made time. Those who attended will know that we were there, together. For posterity, the official video will be permanently hosted on the intergalactic web, which was designed by none other than the ‘lil bullet, Ammiralissiomo Avia Naali.

As proof, I would like to show you unedited images from the ceremony. Behold, as the Old Guard assembles in the recording room and prepares the permanent bonus room, which will henceforth be the eternal tomb of James 315! Yes, gaze upon the Devil Himself, for Erotica 1 has claimed the corpse.

I now present the miner’s parade.

Overmind Niminen was offered as our sacrifice, in the Ganking of the Goofus, with Shadow Cyrilus enjoying the honour of teaching this miner the fundamental difference between an actual ganker and a common plebian. Here’s something to consider, I get an EVEmail every four minutes. How many people mail Overmind? xaxaxaxa

Miners are understandably obsessed with my amazing good lucks and zestfully clean appearance, but today was a celebration of Jim. If you could choose to possess any ability, having good timing wouldn’t be a bad pick. When he texted on May 25, 2018, inviting me for chilled wine and soft jazz, James knew just the right icebreaker to use. As the bonus room proceeded, I understood he was offering true friendship. That was definitely worth 315,315 isk. So I ‘rolled’ a ‘toon’, why not? Wow, a natural twenty!

As He wrote , “Once everyone’s here, we can get started…”

Well, here I am!

So check out my message to you
As a matter of fact, I don’t let nothin’ hold you back
If the Scatman can do it, so can you
Why should we be pleasing in the politician heathens
Who would try to change the seasons if they could?
The state of the condition insults my intuitions
And it only makes me crazy and a heart like wood

I hear you all ask ’bout the meaning of scat
Well, I’m the professor and all I can tell you is
While you’re still sleepin’, the saints are still weepin’ ’cause
Things you call dead haven’t had the chance to be born
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop-bop-bodda-bope
Bop-ba-bodda-bope
Be-bop-ba-bodda-bope, bop-ba-bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop-ba-bodda-bope
Bop-ba-bodda-bope
Be-bop-ba-bodda-bope, bop-ba-bodda-bope

Where’s the…

Yo, I’m a Scatgrr 

Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub

Repeat after me
It’s a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody
Sing along with me
It’s a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody

Be bop ba bodda bope
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope

That’s right, that’s right!

WHAT THEN IN EIGHTY THOUSAND YEARS??? ? ?????

 

 

PlexForce

We will be hosting the Celebration of Life at 23:00.
Dignitaries and notables will assemble at the Halaima Ice Palace.
There will be a live stream on the official CODE. YouTube.

New Order Logistics was on patrol in Isanamo, where Your Awesum Brutha discovered a goofus, just two jumps from Jita! Remembering his training, Brutha brought neutron hellfire upon the vagrant . This wasn’t lee’s first arrest, nor would it be his last.

Brutha assumed the miner learnt a valuable lesson, but was surprised when lee wrote a snitty email, bragging about all the ‘loot’ he acquired. The official Saviourette of Highsec was truly alarmed at the notion that miners might be profiting from ganks, so I pulled out my trusty pink calculator, and crunched the numbers. Assuming lee had platinum insurance, and assuming he recovered all loot, his maximum total gain was negative 8.865 million. Nevertheless, lee was convinced he was getting one up on the ‘ol Code enforcers. 

Just to be absolutely certain, so there was no confusion, I went back and checked my numbers. I tallied up all the costs and expenses, carefully conducting a rigorous review of the data. I repeatedly simulated the destruction of lee on a series of platforms, reaching the same exact conclusion fifteen hundred times in a row, and thus began to develop supreme confidence in my impeccable financial analysis.

Brutha provided these same calculations to lee, noting that lee couldn’t possible have acquired much loot, since Brutha’s loyal alt recovered the most valuable items (namely, three light neutron blasters and an illegal mining upgrade). Lee knew this to be true, and he began to snarl and spit, like a rabid raccoon.

Brutha regretted lee was no longer interested in postgank financial analysis, but he accepted lee’s wishes, and offered a sincere handshake. This only triggered lee, who was infuriated to realize that not only was Brutha a good player, and a reliable accountant, but Brutha was also the better sport.

Our ganking hero went on to have a real life, yet lee had nothing to do but stare at his EVEmail inbox. After half an hour, lee decided to fire another salvo.

A week later, lee dantier was astonished when his Rattlesnake exploded!!!

His friend’s Rattlesnake also exploded!

Why?????

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit

=OFFICIAL CODE. FTLONCOMMS= 
*AUTHENTICATED*
<Author> James 315
-start-
DEAD FUNERAL 23:00 JULY 23 HALAIMA
-end1/break-

Let’s discuss the process of selling a mining permit, ensuring miners are properly cared for, in accordance with the First Amendment.  Ideally, you want a miner like Kexis Yazaria.

Ganking Alt invited Kexis to the Why Was I Ganked? channel, and explained the law. As always, he avoided any hint of roleplay, and stuck to the facts. Remember, this isn’t D&D.

Unfortunately, Kexis fled the channel, attempting to avoid personal responsibility. For a lot of new gankers, this is frustrating, causing them to believe miners can escape. Let the miner calm down, and give him another opportunity.  Be nice and friendly, never acting like a space bully. This is salesmanship!


Don’t be a betabear. Now that we are victorious, every miner has been given the red pen. Demand 30 million isk, and wield the pink pen, increasing fees to 100 million (or more). We’ve been patient, but victory is complete, and Jamesageddon is upon us.

We implemented increasing financial penalties, and a third agent reminded Kexis that loss is inevitable. You can expect gobloks to hem and haw. However, they can’t help but respect power.

Some weasly miners may attempt to hide. It can be helpful to explain that we have already achieved victory, and there is no escape. We control all of New Eden, along with vast swaths of Minecraft, Farmville, Second Life, DayZ, Runescape, Elite Dangerous, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, 7 Days to Die, Starcraft, Fortnite, Detroit, and Terraria.

It is helpful for miners to understand that agents will be waiting, no matter where he hides. For example, one miner attempted to flee into PuBG, but I simply linked him an official map. He thus realized that agents are prepared for any illegal farming operations.

After you present the Code of New Halaima, and the consequences of any violation, you can be confident that only a certified aspierant would refuse to submit. By implementing this patented CAPTCHA system, you can do your part to identify farmbots.

To be continued…

***
BONUS: If any miner purchases a mining permit, they will qualify for FREE refining in sunny Isanamo, just two jumps from Jita! Isanamo, the best little mining system in New Eden! If you know a miner, send ’em to Isa!

From: Mahlazia

Just an FYI

You’ve been griefing some rookies in a STARTER system. It is a blatant ToS Eula breach and we are reporting you for it. We are attempting to teach our new players not have them scammed with mining permits or repeatedly ganked.

Cheers.

Apples in the Orchard, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Highsec miner Gripen ANM was disturbed by Torgo Tahn bumping his Orca, demonstrating best practice techniques for Zopiclone. Gripen panicked, abandoning his Orca, five augmented mining drones, and an illegally modified interceptor. Although Gripen didn’t want that Orca anyways, he needed his Stiletto, in order to escape Highsec. When Torgo deduced that Gripen must have a blingy capacitor implant, Kalorned and Tweeps decided it was time for a formal pod inspection.


Gripen was alarmed when a Tweeps alt, Cultural Center, explained that the interceptor had already been offered as tribute unto Princess Aiko, the official heiress to James 315. However, if Gripen didn’t get the Stiletto back, then it would be impossible to dodge gatecamps and warp bubbles. How would he escape Highsec? Fortunately, Aiko graciously offered to return the Stiletto. Therefore, Gripen hurried back in a Condor, but Cultural Center was alarmed by Gripen’s failure to purchase a mining permit. As Gripen’s pod warbled unsteadily in orbit around the interceptor, Kalorned sent a K-name to investigate.

Gripen kept trying to scam Cultural Center, attempting to board his interceptor, before paying his taxes. Eventually, the frustrated Gripenbear clambered aboard his Condor, and prepared to depart. At this very moment, Krominal suddenly appeared in a gold-plated Amarrian destroyer. With a holy blaze of multifrequency photons, the Condor’s sins melted away , once again revealing Gripen’s naked pod. Alas, CONCORD bots quickly arrived, and Krominal was unable to conduct a closer inspection of the pod. Gripen warped off, amplifying everyone’s curiosity about just what exactly was hidden inside.

For any normal individual, none of this would have happened, because normal people don’t mine (especially not in Highsec). In the rare instance, when someone is foolish enough to mine in Highsec, they don’t usually abandon their own Orca (which typically does not contain an overclocked interceptor). Even in such a case, a sensible person doesn’t subsequently return, in a desperate attempt to recover lost assets. However, Gripen was rather abnormal, which meant he was perfectly normal in Highsec. Therefore, he once again tried to scam Tweeps.

Would Tweeps fall for Gripen’s trick? Would he trade an interceptor for just 15’000’000 isk? It was a tempting deal, but Tweeps had an even better idea. Perhaps Gripen would return for a photoshoot, and Tweeps solemnly promised that Gripen would be the focus of a multipart blog post. Gripen was flattered, and decided to turn his pod around and come back. Another apple, drawn by gravity, was about to fall.

To be continued…

***

As you know, the official state funeral for James 315 will be in Halaima, on Thursday July 23, at 23:00. Zaenis Desef started crying when he heard that James was dead, but he finally pulled himself together. Our leadership will lead us, and we will be fine. Always!

Well, let’s ask a random Highsec miner, what do the miners think about the death of their beloved Saviour?

Thank you Ruth! You know, some miners have been questioning my legitimacy, and I’ve been told it’s important to demonstrate my borthersome tendency for shameless self-promotion. Indeed, check out this ringing endorsement from EVE Online’s top twitch streamer, brought to you by the Coca-Cola Foundation!

Wow, these are some big shoes to fill, but I’ve got some big feet! James couldn’t have done any better than to pick me as his one true Saviourette. He saved a lot of people, but who saved James? That’s right, that’s right!

***

Anyways, I wanted to make sure that James knew he was dead, so I went and tracked him down on my livethot stream. He confirmed that he IS dead, and he will be attending his own funeral! Awesome!

Speaking of funerals, there has been some concern that Barry-Jean “Bert-Jay” Smithlesmoor (the man behind James 315) has actually died in real life. Don’t worry friends, Bert-Jay is just fine, and has merely moved on to a more lucrative and respectable hobby. 

The Best Revenge, Part 79

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… The elite warlord imperator of Goonswarm was baffled by a vehicular ordinance, designed to facilitate “ease of access” for emergency personnel, who might theoretically require sufficient operational space in excess of 500’000’000 nanometres. Quantum 140, aka Lil’ Bullet Big Girth, was so stingy and miserly, that he couldn’t fathom providing excess space. Would he ever obtain an adulting license without benevolent guidance?

Quantum would often blather on with long incoherent speeches, and meanwhile I might check my email, noting that some people believe this narrative has been invented. I dare say, if you don’t believe we have a highsec miner convinced he is the leader of Goonswarm, then you haven’t understood anything James has been writing about for the past decade. Highsec miners are a very special group, and quantum is a typical bot aspirant.

Unfortunately, as the international order collapsed under the weight of Chinese bioweapons and Maoist insurgencies, poor quantum found his health fading. He even sent pitiful X-rays to prove that he could no longer continue to finance Goonswarm. Alas, the great alliance might soon be left leaderless, teetering upon the brink of bankruptcy. However, when quantum realized the Mittani was counting upon him, he vowed to recover and return to the Battlespace. Would it be possible to expand, or was Goonswarm stuck in a rut?

If Goonswarm’s crack assault troops couldn’t conquer the galaxy, perhaps it was time for quantum to take the lead, like Napoleon at Lodi.

Acting as ‘Agent Anvil’, quantum was convinced he might employ a Nyx to draw enemy titans into a trap. Indeed, if EVE is a roleplaying game, then quantum is a mage-bard. He began preparing to simultaneously cast Abyssal Taunt VI in combination with Detect Spatial Traps IV.

Dear reader, are you wondering how to advance your own EVE career? The lesson should be obvious: find a Highsec miner, do it today, do it now. Shoot him, take his stuff, and seduce him with a fantasy of easy isk and infinite power. Remember, the Highsec miner drools in anticipation. He is the NPC, and you are the BumpMaster! If that doesn’t work, just offer to become his roady (or caddy) and agree to carry his stuff (all of it).

To be continued…

***

BONUS TEACHINGS: It has long been prophesized that a true princess would walk amongst the gankers, shewing unto bot aspirants that the CODE. has a soft feminine side, and demonstrating that miners are disgusting unto Her. Eww! If you haven’t attended your MinerBumping Sunday School recently, you might be super confused, and maybe you failed to notice this little miracle.

Talas Dir, a venerated prophet of the New Order, began his preaching at a time when the power of James was at a peak. No agent would dare question that James was the High King and venerated Saviour. Indeed, Talas did not reject the authority of James, and praised the “brilliance and intelligence” which “laid the foundation” for the New Order. However, Talas asked a question which shocked his listeners, “Where is James? Is James dying? Is it possible that James has already died?” Somehow, Talas knew.

If James were dead, who would succeed Him?

Some miners struggle with lengthy extemporaneous treatises upon the hegemonic nature of power. They thus imagined that James would pick a carebear as His successor. Fortunately, Talas prepared a succinct and compelling oratory which left no doubt that the Jamespocalypse was nigh. He slit the throat of a miner, bathed in tainted blood, and rejoiced at the arrival of a Saviourette. I agree with Talas, She seems pretty legit.

It is clear enough, either Talas was psychic, or someone told him. Perhaps James himself whispered unto Talas the Good News, so that none would doubt the Wisdom and Will. Due to peculiar paradoxes of faster than light communications, it is possible that James learnt of His own death, before He actually died! Indeed, this post was made on May 25, the same day that James acknowledged the deepest desire of His beloved princess .

No Father would hesitate to offer unto the Daughter that which she demanded. James thus concluded with blatant foreshadowing, which all agents of true faith recognized as a signal of what was to be…

“aiva’s council knew that one day they would log into the Discord channel and find it empty. If that happened, they would know that aiva had finally constructed a nuclear-powered, faster-than-light spaceship and gone off to explore the galaxy in real life.”

Yea verily, and the Discord channel was lain barren, and His disciples knew that the real Imperator of Goonswarm had gone off in real life!!! Farewell James, and Long Live the West Magnet! Cardboard is a vegetable!!!!!

***

If you wish to explore the numismatic and stoichiopsychometric basis of CODE. stichomancy further, remember His final missive, as James urged all agents to reread the entire corpus canon of MinerBumping. If you need the Idiot’s Guide, a good starting point is to chart the manner in which James wrote messages in the past, which would only be understood in the  future. For example, consider what He wrote on May 25, 2019 …

 

 

 

 

Kills of Another Week

Oh boy, here are some kills of a week which is lawfully defined from July 12th @ 00:00 EVEtime through July 18th @ 23:59 EVEtime. Juneteenth is almost over, but our Agents are working hard to celebrate the official funeral of James 315, which will be held in Halaima, at 23:00 on Thursday, July 23.

***

Lucas C-S flew his 23 billion isk Charon through Jita, daring James to return from the dead. Well, James didn’t come back, but Gandaraka Tekitsu, Josh Kusion, Justin Kusion, and Firebush called Lucas out on his disrespect.

***

Darth Me decided to play the villain, with a 2.7 billion isk Paladin, which could have shot back. Gallente Ambrye, Lisa Tears, Alt 00, Aiko Danuja, and Shadow Cyrilus defeated Darth with ease, before he could finish sipping from his 72oz coffee mug. I am told that Shadow cried out on voicecomms, “That’s a kill of the week!” He was right. Clamp your hands!

***

Jake Steell was trying to steal ore, with his blinged out ORE Gistum Ingenii Hulk. Everyone’s favourite ganker, Guybertini, showed up in a Naga  and closed the pool. I’m a little new to being Saviourette and Queen Regent, so you’ll have to excuse me, but I don’t even know what an Ingenii Ice Harvester Upgrade is? Is there a genii inside each upgrade? Sometimes, I feel like someone at the CCP sales office is deliberately trolling miners.

***

Ronin Savage was hauling another load of mining garbage to Jita, when he ran into a CODE. traffic inspection in Isanamo. Unfortunately, Ronin forgot to purchase a mining permit, and his EVE University cloak trick malfunctioned. Consequently, he was arrested by Felix Hausdorff, Augustus De Morgan, and Niels Henrik Abel. Good lads.

***

Kukushka96 was storing a skill extractor inside a Venture, when he was surprised to discover that Jita is an arena of elite PvP. EVEPPAPGA was there to help Kukushka learn to stay docked.

***

Regger Skillhamma was mining in Kamio, with his illegal Mackinaw, when he couldn’t remember the safeword . Safeword is Harder was eager to play, squeezing Regger’s pod and extracting 5.4 billion isk. Remember, the High-grade Ascendancy Omega does “nothing, in and of itself”.

***

URGENT COMMUNIQUE: Now that I have officially amended the Code, we have been awaiting acknowledgement from the Central Committee. I am pleased to inform you that our Chinese brothers have rejoiced at the First Amendment, and the Old Guard has begun publishing a little red book.

The Chinese gankers said the original Code, as translated, left them with uncertainty. Do we intend to gank miners, or just lay down with them and intermarry into perpetuity? Our First Amendment clarifies the matter, and has caused the Code to gain even more authority, which was surprising since I could not imagine such a thing were possible. I have even heard they are reciting the Code in a distant galaxy, which is both elite and dangerous. Amazing!

Here are my favourite passages from the New Order’s New Chinese New Code of New Halaima:

一个人也绝不会为瘟疫和传染病提供庇护的温床

烧毁他们的堡垒 屠杀他们的朋友 驱逐一切不接受救世主智慧的人！

Stirring picture noodles!

Yes, friend, you heard me right. The merging of the servers has not merely brought the Chinese mining bots, but the Chinese gankers are coming as well, and they are thrilled to rally under the banner of Princess Aiko, who has most graciously declared a Greater East Asia Co-Ganking Sphere.

 

Apples in the Orchard

As James 315 observed, the galaxy was initially formed within a Hobbesian state of nature. The early capsuleers were divided between those who recognized the inherent nature of power, and those who would be inevitably subjugated by powers beyond their reckoning. I often encounter bears who fall into the latter category, such as Gripen ANM, whom we will learn about in this article. Gripen failed to understand that we make our own destiny. Which fate do you weave?

In my daily life, I spend more on coffee, than ganking. Indeed, a McDonald’s McChicken has more McValue than a fleet of Catalysts. This reality makes me spacerich. I’m a legit princess, and I’m Lovin’ it. Consequently, I am generally perplexed at the panic stricken isk-grubbing of the typical gankbear. Come now, friend, read the Code and rejoice. If you see a miner, and want his isk, then you need but merely reach out and take it. If this isn’t super easy, then you are definitely doing something wrong.

Torgo Tahn > Have any of you ever bumped an Orca so hard he ejected and warped off?

Torgo Tahn is a friend of Krig Povelli, and one day Torgo witnessed the unimaginable. This was not the result of any convoluted plot, or intricate metagaming scheme, but simply the result of Zopiclone asking a straightforward question about basic game mechanics. Instead of wasting time on the EVE University wiki, Zopi consulted an expert.

Theorycrafting, my friend, is for silly bears. Carpe diem! Therefore, Zopiclone and Torgo decided to find a local miner and test the effectiveness of ECM jammers. Naturally, they didn’t ask the miner for permission. Indeed, ancient samurai would often test their swords upon the peasantry. Likewise, when a farmer decides to prune his orchard, he doesn’t seek consent. This is the natural state of nature, and how any self-respecting ganker would behave. Whyfore wouldst thou negotiate with yonder tree?

Long story short, Torgo bumped the apple tree, and out fell the fruits of his labour: five mining drones and an industrial command ship. Inside the Orca, Torgo found yet another augmented mining drone, along with a Stiletto and some other random spaceship! This is not unusual, as New Order agents routinely acquire isk without effort. Mother James will provide!


Torgo didn’t grind, he just did what James taught us to do – he minerbumped. If you have full faith, great things will happen! If you want a similar story, check out the Halaima Miracle, one of many such case studies. The moral lesson is clear. If you treat the miner as an adversary, you will struggle against inane carebear mechanics. However, if you recognize that the miner is a subhuman bot, then you will be victorious beyond your wildest dreams. Attitude is everything! Always!

If you are an incompetent and creatively challenged whiteknight, you probably feel bad for poor Gripen. However, Gripen didn’t even feel bad for himself. This isn’t surprising, because inanimate objects rarely feel bad, and Gripen actually saw this as an opportunity. Now that his Orca had been confiscated, he could finally get out of Highsec and move to Null, where he would surely get rich quick. Nothing excites a miner more than calculating his potential sweatshop wages.

There was only one problem. Gripen’s sole means of transportation was locked up inside the Orca. Without his fancy Stiletto, he had no means of even reaching Nullsec. Gripen wrote Torgo to ask if he could possibly get the interceptor returned, and Torgo decided to check it out. At this point, Torgo noticed that the ship’s capacitor system was highly modified, and t’was illegal. There was only one place the Stiletto could derive sufficient power, and that was from the brain of a bot.

Word spread of the illegal Stiletto, and a Tweeps alt named Cultural Center decided to invite Gripen for a FREE pod inspection, courtesy of Kalorned. Gripen eagerly accepted, as he was beginning to change his mind about not wanting those ships anyways.

To be continued….

***

SPECIAL REPORT, JAMES IS DEAD: The news has been spreading like wildfire. Our venerated Saviour has passed away, and gobloks are verily distraught. I have been told that a public funeral is currently scheduled for Thursday, July 23, at 23:00 in Halaima. Make sure to set your autopilot, and get ready for fireworks, lamentations, and a surprise appearance from the Saviourette herself! WoW! I am sure, if James were still with us, he would be most pleased with these festivities. 

Any new gankers, who wish to express their condolences, should immediately send one or twenty billion isk to the imperial quaestor of Goonswarm, Whadda Badasaz. He will ensure this money is used for the benefit of everyone. It has always been CODE. tradition that new gankers liquidate their assets as a sign of loyalty, and the funeral of James 315 is a perfect time to show full faith. Amen to that, and thank you Whadda!

Let us now hear from a miner:

That’s right! All miners are encouraged to begin moving their assets to Perimeter’s Tranquility Trading Tower, and bring their pods to Halaima. This is the event of the millennia, and you don’t want to miss it!

BONUS NEWS: When James 315 decided to relinquish all authority and lifeforce unto Princess Aiko, it was pretty clear he meant business. This wasn’t up for debate, and he issued an official memorandum.

For years, the succession was planned in meticulous detail, but it wasn’t merely a matter of bureaucratic reshuffling and the transfer of skill injectors, Overmind’s Orca, and a very special Stabber Fleet Issue. James wanted to ensure the peaceful transition of power. For this reason, he commissioned Alt 00 to paint an intimate portrait of the Princess Aiko, on the eve of her Ascendancy. In the classical Khanid style, this woodblock print shows the lovely Lady in her spidersilk kimono, contemplating the future of Highsec.