PLOT SUMMARY: Our anti-hero, Erotica 1, permabanned from EvE Online, wipes the sweat from his brow. “Eureka!”, he exclaims whilst committing securities fraud, selling fake cryptocurrency NFTs in order to purchase CCP and unban himself. This would prove to the courts, that Erotica 1 is a successful businessman. Along the way, he planned to make a trillion isk, through a legitimate galactic bank.
As an initial first step, he exploited his own IRL infant daughter, and tried to recruit a few EvE players.
His ‘friends’ were concerned.
Surprisingly, the scam worked.
Erotica (aka Justin) sold an NFT buy-in to his first mark, rounding $5000 up to $30000, with the expectation of future profits.
This is a story of sex, crypto, federal law, and crazy.
As the final boss of Highsec, I have always known my fate.
I am destined for success.
Let’s stroll through memory lane…
… remembering my predecessors.
Tenaj (March 2003-June 2003)
L0rd Zap (June 2003-March 2006)
Princess Suicide (March 2006 – July 2006)
The Sheik (July 2006 – March 2007)
karttoon was right (March 2007 – October 2008)
Jerry Rin (October 2008 – October 2009)
Princess Helicity (October 2009 – October 2011)
The Mittani (October 2011 – December 2012)
kalila meng (December 2012 – January 2013)
Khoda Khan (January 2013 – March 2013)
BLACK SKULL (March 2014 – October 2014)
Aria Stane (October 2014 – November 2014)
Zuzu (November 2014 – December 2014)
George (December 2014 – May 2015)
loyal (May 2015 – March 2016)
Siegfriend Cohenberg (March 2016 – April 2016)
Do you remember the mad minute?
Tweeps (April 19, 2016)
Kulorndo (April 19, 2016 – April 22, 2016)
Kalned givieth…
James 315 (April 2016 – June 2020)
….Korndul taketh.
Dresden Rubble Gnome (June 2020 – July 2020)
Princess Aiko (July 2020 – forever and ever)
Congrats to every participant! Each of you will receive a trophy, commemorating your activity (or lack thereof). The following chart shows each winner’s relative significance.
As leader of the CSM, it is my duty each year to select those individuals whom I deem most worthy. Of course, some people think that I should run for CSM myself, but as a permanent member and the official chairwoman, I have no need to engage in plebian politics. Furthermore, I have no desire to visit some third world ice volcano. No thanks!
Nobody should vote for Mike. Since Mike doesn’t play the game (by his own admission), he lacks experience. Vote for someone who actually enjoys EvE, as it is, rather than trying to turn the game into something it isn’t. Don’t vote for a vanity candidate who pretends the NPE is their area of ‘expertise’, or someone who tries to buy votes by handing out quarter-penny frigates (which somebody else paid for).
To be quite honest, the CSM is a scam. Numerous representatives have stated CCP ignores them. It’s purely a public relations gimmick, which allows CCP to pretend they care, while redirecting customer service to unpaid volunteers. Anyways, although I also don’t care about the CSM, here are my official recommendations (each of whom has generously paid a 1 billion isk sponsorship fee).
Amelia Duskspace
Anyone who hides behind the trig suit is clearly ugly, and Amelia is no exception. However, Amelia’s killboard is nearly as good as mine, and that’s pretty stool. I sure hope Amelia gets elected, and develops enough self-esteem to take off that silly hat!
Nuke Michael
Michael is one goofy looking character, but you can’t deny that he (unlike Mike Azariah) teaches newbros to play the game. As part of our continuing alliance with Snuffed Out, I hereby endorse Michael and wish him the best of luck in Ireland. Remember, if you aren’t voting for PvP players, then you are voting to dilute the game with PvE grinding.
Mark Resurrectus
I’ve heard the rumors, that Mark loves to eat salad, and isn’t even a real wormholer (in fact, he’s just another Goon). Well, there’s nothing wrong with salad, or Goons, so neither allegation concerns me. However, Mark is the only CSM candidate to acknowledge that ganking has been excessively nerfed. This is true! Most gankers have already quit the game, but at least Mark recognizes a legitimate issue.
=Paid Disclaimer=
=Paid Counterpoint=
Gideon Zendikar
We almost forgot Gideon existed, until we saw him on Twitch. Gideon made a compelling argument. The risk-reward balance in EvE is off, encouraging players to sit in stagnant safespace. We believe that riskier PvE will generate more PvP, and that’s the truth!
Phantomite
It’s hard to endorse Phantomite, because he’s such an insufferable geekster, and nobody likes him. He’s also a miner. I know, because when I told him to calm down, he started sperging, “Reeee I don’t mine anymore, look at my Harbinger reeeee.” Miner, calm down. We are still gonna vote for you, even though you don’t deserve it.
Torvald Uruz
If you want to vote for nice guys, at least find one that plays the game. Torvald may not have a clue, but he has a positive attitude. What a guy! A vote for Torvald is a vote for whatever he stands for, and he’s promised to stop running missions in Highsec.
Cael Caderu
Cael tries to communicate, although he fails to articulate any specific goals or agenda. However, he spends a lot of time cloaked up in some sleepy hole, so maybe he’ll think of something?
Dark Shines
Dark Shines is obviously a carebear pleb. Nobody else would hide inside a nullblob, defending AFK bots. However, at least he undocks, so that puts him well above the competition.
Pandoralica
Pando and Dark Shines are literally the same person, so it doesn’t matter which one wins. The Pando alt is more mysterious, and appears to have no specific agenda, but at least he undocks.
White Orchid 0rchid.
White O0rchid is our designated pity candidate. We don’t know anything about them, and that’s their fault, but someone said they are ok. Who knows? Perhaps we will find out…
*****
Although there are other candidates, I cannot recommend them, as they all appear to be vanity candidates.
I wrote a brief letter to encourage each candidate.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Pandoralica has agreed to tattoo my endorsement on his face.
