Category: Geography

Doden van de Week.

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some Highsec draagt, extirpated between September 20 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 27 @ 05:51 EVEtime.

***

I’m not really sure what is going on down in Bagodan, but apparently they are having a winter storm. Adam Feng missed the severe weather advisory, and jumped directly into a cluster of ice tornadoes. If you don’t know who killed Adam, then you probably haven’t been paying attention, have you? Here’s a pro tip: if you want your ship to have more hitpoints, then maybe consider welding some steel plates to the hull.

***

When Ulianov and GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM were informed that shareholders approved a funding grant from the Official Holy New Order Treasury, they knew it was important to ensure the money was wisely invested. Instead of some convoluted carebear production plan, they ignored the market altogether, and just went straight for the K0enig. A 3000% return on investment is nothing to be ashamed of.

***

Gobloks like to write in the forums, chiding Princess Aiko, because she is afraid to PvP. I confess. I’m a little embarrassed, because it’s absolutely true, I’m so frightened by ships that shoot back. Eep! Hey, I never claimed to be the best ganker in the galaxy, I’m just the cutest! Recently, Gallente Citizen I and First Gallente Citizen showed me how to kill Caberwolfe’s cargo Loki. What was I scared of?

***

The new leader of Goonswarm, Emperor Avia Naali, aka Destroyer of Worlds, asked me to shut down Pandemic Horde’s Highsec mining programme. We were having some difficulty catching all those little Ventures, but eventually we discovered how they move the ore. I contacted my friends, Don Purple and MrDiao — we got the job done. Miners ask where we get our ships from, well… now you know!

***

I don’t really use implants, because I’d be ashamed for James to discover that he married a mindless bot, so I’m not really sure what all these chips do. Did you know there is something called a Nirvana Omega? I guess it makes you feel really good, but Lenya Nazgul recently discovered that there are some serious side effects, when she was disconnected from the main server. Symptoms of withdrawal include reduced self-esteem, depression, irritation, and myocardial infarction. Fortunately, Moustached Slimy Worm and Unluckyy were there to help Lenya calm down. I’m sure she will recover.

***

BONUS: Market Tycoon is the New Order’s leading expert on EVE Online’s farming experience. What are the most effective means to maximize your income, without risking isk or having to do anything at all? Market recommends that crabs head to the Abyss, because CCP encourages mindless gameplay.

Rudokop Forever, Part 7

Previously, in James315.Space… A procurer was dunked by Kanye North, but (for some reason) the miners blamed their “wise” Princess Aiko. We did a postgank interview with the bot, and had a little chat. Halandar Uitra is not a happy miner. He got into voice comms, and called Princess Aiko a “fat bitch”, outrageous! Halandar wants every Highsec carebear to check out Aiko, she’s evil and delusional (but cool).

 ***

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space.. . Rudokop Forever tried to trick Adrian Vexier, and his alts reported the loss of a battleship and a logistics cruiser.

Local chat filled with the radioactive tears of a third-rate Soviet gulag, as Rudokop alt Ivan Mihalich SIM wailed in grief.

However, Adrian denied the allegation.

Technically, according to Rudokop, Adrian is a specific form of demon. He is a succubus, a sexual demoness. Once upon a time, Adrian denounced Princess Aiko as “the whore of James”, but karma finally caught up with him.

As Rudokop sought to exorcise Adrian, the ritual drew a crowd of Highsec farmers, who were soon engaged in theological debate.

Adrian suggested that perhaps Rudokop is hysterical, but Rudokop argued that Adrian’s actions constitute proof of demonic possession.

It is perplexing, that Rudokop considered his battleship to be a “defenseless miner”, although this is an accurate description of Ivan‘s combat performance. Regardless, there appeared to be only one way to eject Adrian’s soul from Arraron, and Rudokop thus began casting a counterdemon spell (with some help from his alts).

It did not work, and Rudokop was awestruck. How could such a being exist?

As the days went by, Rudokop grew to accept there was nothing whatsoever he could do, to remove the evil spectre haunting local. He settled for the tiresome toil of the crier, alerting his fellow serfs to the woes and ill tidings of outer space.

Before long, other demons began visiting Arraron, melding with Adrian.

The monsters began to mock Rudokop, their voices echoing across the star system.

Perhaps Adrian is a demonic whore, but what is Rudokop?

To be continued…

 

Kage Rage, Part 9

Previously, on MinerBumping… Kanye North is a good friend, who taught William Rageclaw an important space lesson. William, if you are reading this, please don’t DDOS my precious website again. I will report you to the trailer park patrol.

Recently, Halandar Uitra was streaming his mining operation in Palas, and was pleased to meet Princess Aiko, whom he recognized as a “very wise” soul. He wanted Aiko in his stream, because she is “so cool”. Aiko just wanted to watch Halandar die, and listened patiently as his mining friends discussed a mysterious group that kills miners.

Finally, it happened.

Halandar vowed to sell the killrights and get revenge.

***

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space.. . kage1982 announced he has a wealthy benefactor, who finances kage’s campaign to whirl endlessly around Isanamo’s Home for Young Miners. However, as Quint generously showers pennies upon Highsec antigankers, he openly concedes the CODE. is utterly invincible.

Despite daily failure, Quint rewards antigankers handsomely.

With each gank, the CODE accomplishes more than every carebear combined.

Quint has struggled with several different variations of the contest rules, watching helplessly as CODE. pilots continue to take his money.

Meanwhile, Princess Aiko flaunts her own good fortune.

Although Aiko has recently begun smiling about something, antigankers speculate she is in a space cult. kage vowed to rescue the princess.

Eventually, kage realized he had a date with a blog.

He doesn’t appear to like my writing.

Nevertheless, even kage acknowledges James as High King.

He also understands that Aiko and James have a special relationship.

To this day, kage continues to warp randomly around Isanamo. This upsets miners, who remain convinced he is some kind of secret CODE. agent.

Sometimes, he accidentally collides with the poor distraught bots.

Meanwhile, kage still hasn’t figured out that Quint’s CODE. hunting contest is just a paid advertisement for the mighty alliance.

Sievert Solutions is also a little confused.

The salt is definitely flowing, but in which direction?

Finally, kage got that big payday!

The last time I saw kage, he was whirling around the YMCA at 3500m/s. When I undocked, he decided it was best to leave the system.

I wanted him to face justice, so I contacted a few of my powerful friends in Highsec. That’s right, I put out a hit on kage. Just kill him, and send my regards! I don’t need to offer a paltry isk prize, because people will do it for the betterment of our glorious civilization. It’s what I want, and James wants whatever I want.

Kalessi Kashada > FYI kage1982 at Sobaseki gate in Jita in a Dramiel
Cargo Bandit > Aiko Danuja doesn’t CODE. despise kage1982?
Aiko Danuja > kage1982 is not despised, he is pitied
Cargo Bandit > this guy is notoriously delusional and annoying
Valiran Teleros > The more time I spend in this channel, the more I come to empathize with gankers, and the fact I’m not exaggerating in the least is almost physically painful.

With any luck, kage might eventually learn something?

Practice makes perfect!

 

 

Egbu nke Izu

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some bea, annihilated between September 13 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 19 @ 23:59 EVEtime. Everyone enjoyed whoring on free killmails during CCP’s Yulai event, which took place in excruciating slow motion, but real PvB involves shooting bots before CCP finally gets around to doing something.

***

Seam Daigon was hoping to make it to next week, but got caught by Votre Dieu, shortly before intergalactic midnight. No matter what timezone Seam is currintly AFK in, this was an obvious Kill of the Week. Yikes! 

Seam took his case to Miner’s Court…

…but the cargo manifest was proof of intent to distribute.

***

Lokoboto looks like a goofus, because he is. I was able to uninstall his gas huffing Megathron with a little help from Zoe Nyx, Shadow Cyrilus, MrDiao, Yes Mr Cheng, Independence Day, Encrypted Transmission, and Gallente Ambrye.

***

Tanarisa Star wanderer actually dies next week, but she’s already tackled and going down very slowly. Squidhunting Manwhore did the math, and Tanarisa’s death is imminent, with termination in exactly 24 minutes. For some reason, she agreed to duel a Catalyst, and all she has to defend herself are five Harvester drones. Good fight!

***

Fez Hideo reinforced her bulkheads, blinged her shields, and prepared for elite PvP in an 0.7. Her pirate ship was promptly vaporized by Ulianov and mat Otsito.

***

St0n3 lost his Kronos weeks ago, and it’s now a Kill of the Week, because I say so. While looking through old logs, I suddenly remembered this orbiter who tried to defend his Retrievers with a Marauder. When asked why, he explained that it was all a ploy to get my attention. Indeed, I showed up with my girlfriends: Alleil Pollard, Keraina Talie-Kuo, AgBee 001, Shadow Pearl, and Zopiclone.

***

Sirtech Silicore lost his spaceship way back in 2017, and it finally became a Kill of the Week in 2020, after Sirtech’s alt repeatedly returned to the Why Was I Ganked? channel. Tax Collector HongMei probably doesn’t even remember this incident, but Sirtech certainly does, and he has successfully campaigned for recognition of his loss. Congratulations on your impressive second place finish! 

I asked Felicia/Sirtech if she had anything she wanted to tell James 315.

Mission complete.

***

rhe natu was relaxing while mining in her command ship, when suddenly she was ejected into the harsh vacuum of outer space. Before she could click a button, her pod was vaporized by Buttercup Potemkin (who is definitely not in a terrorist cult). Replacing your brain with bot chips may seem like a good idea, but it’s illegal.

 

I am PermaBanned

Princess Aiko, much like James 315, is a permabanned hero of the CODE. In her moment of immortal Ascendance, she went out with a bang, dunking on a hapless Venture in Raussinen. As the official Grover Cleveland of the New Order, her reign as Queen Regent has been brief, yet she flares brilliantly like a butterfly in heat.

If you read the dodgy memoirs of grumpy old bureaucrats, Princess Aiko was always a spoiled brat, who merely slept her way to the top. However, those who undocked during the Great War of Extirpation, will often describe her as a brilliant strategess. They also recall blueberry muffins, with soothing cups of chamomile tea.

Aiko’s path to immortality began on a windy Wednesday in 2017, when Sirtech Silicore was arrested by the Gate Tax Collection Agency.

Sirtech slumbered for more than three years, until he finally decided to once again become a new returning player, stealing some ore from Princess Aiko.

Like two slinky cats, Aiko and Kalomira hissed at each other.

Only a GrandMaster could resolve their bitter dispute over mining rights.

Alas, Aiko blasted the wrong Venture.

Kalomira had powerful alts in Highsec.

Felicia Dey is a pillar of the mining community.

When asked for a lossmail, she linked an old MinerBumping post.

It was definitely the same bot…

Innostunut Sonni > miner, please calm down
Magalaus Shardani > im assuming Felicia Dey is british and refering to cigarettes
Zaenis Desef > maybe
Felicia Dey > No you are a bunch of cum guzzling faggots
Zaenis Desef > ALL HAIL Aiko Danuja!
Zopiclone > Thats right
Felicia Dey > Id kick er in cunt\

…with the exact same sentiments.

It really doesn’t like the CODE.

Princess Aiko tried to be diplomatic.

However, Felicia knows an experienced space lawyer.

Another alt’s alt was ready to take down our Princess.

This was no joke.

 

Poor Aiko is going to prison, in real-life.

 

CCP lawyers would never defend our Saviourette.

Aiko tried desperately to plead her case.

Unfortunately, she could not hide her true nature.

At 11:00, the permaban hit Aiko like a freight train.

All we have now are fond memories.

Perhaps, like Grover Cleveland, Our Lady of Agil will return again…

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 8

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Previously on James315.Space… Little Odbayar donated his stuff to Princess Aiko, and ran away to nullsec Niarja, where he was griefed by filthy blobbers.

Of course, friend, I’m always happy to take requests.

As you may recall, I desperately urged Odbayar to return home to the Why Was I Ganked? channel, but for some reason he didn’t like me very much.

Nevertheless, Odbayar stayed in touch.

Some people just don’t appreciate their official Saviourette.

Aiko Danuja > I have seized your Fortizars, how does that feel unto you miner Maldavius? All glory to James 315!

On the way back from Nalvula, we figured out where Odbayar has been hiding.

Odbayar > Aiko Danuja wtf
Odbayar > Kill: Odbayar (Retriever) ?
Odbayar > Alleil Pollard Aiko Danuja ?
Aiko Danuja > Hello Odbayar
Aiko Danuja > Would you like to buy a mining permit?
Odbayar > bitchs

He still didn’t get it… and then it clicked.

Odbayar tore off his mask and dunked a miner.

Mission accomplished!

I’m so proud of you, Odbayar.

I’ll even SRP your Catalysts, if you can be polite.

Oh Odbayar… come home!

To be continued…

Stark Raving Mad, Part 6

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… VictorStark Stark and his alt Lilliana Lestrange enjoyed karaoke night, with James 315 and his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend, Aiko Danuja. Victor was impressed to meet the charming head of the mighty CODE. alliance, and was not in the least surprised to learn that Aiko is a real-life princess with an ironclad claim to the Holy Roman Empire. Like any reasonable person, he happily turned over all his isk and assets, even trading skill injectors for skill extractors.

As we saw in Highsec Miner Grab Bag #208, Victor wasn’t an ideal candidate to serve as the successor to James. Nevertheless, James was planning to pass away, and willing to consider trading the alliance to Victor. The interview seemed to go well, and Victor committed himself to the Oath of Poverty. Unfortunately, things took an awkward turn, when Victor failed to show full faith. Elite NOL director Super Perforator encouraged Victor to proceed with his application to CODE. and accept appointment as executor of the alliance, but Victor was focused only on petty pecuniary interests.

Meanwhile, Lilliana was jealous that her main trusted Aiko more than his own alt.

It soon became clear that James might blue pen an alternative candidate.

Victor realized, too late, that Aiko wanted the alliance for herself.

That shameless blue digger cast a spell on James!

Lilliana vented her frustration at everyone in Audaerne.

Anyone might be a Danuja alt…

Fortunately, Lilliana wasn’t salty.

Capsuleers heard a MinerBumping episode was being filmed, and traveled from across the galaxy, with dreams of being cast as an extra.

The conversation encouraged a vibrant discussion of game mechanics.

Eventually, it was a wrap. Everyone got what they wanted, but they naturally hoped Lilliana might return for an encore.

Unfortunately, Lilliana no longer wished to speak with anyone.

She appeared quite mad, cackling hysterically in the middle of nowhere.

Although Aiko was blocked, mysterious strangers let the Princess know that Victor was thinking of her. Might he return for another episode?

To be continued…

 

Taking out the Trash

Listening to: Tripping with the Ducktators

When an attractive girl is popular with boys, it’s not uncommon for jealous rivals and incel betas to scrawl scandalous things about her, on the powder room wall. Recently, I was in the armory polishing an especially large gun, when I noticed something similar written on the bulkhead. Directly under a sign that said, “WARNING: ACTIVE NEUTRON FIELD!” someone wrote a most shocking claim, “NOL IS TRASH!”

I fondly remember the ten days I spent in New Order Logistics, during which I enjoyed hanging out with Currin Trading in a ritzy Perimeter saloon. He spent a lot of time teaching me all about market hedge funds, and generously invested in my lucrative Ponzi scheme. So how could someone think that a fine corporation, led by such an upstanding businessman, is nothing more than ‘trash’? Either they are jealous, or perhaps they have New Order Logistics confused with New Order Logistic?

***

This is trash.

***

This is taking out the trash.

***

When people think of New Order Logistics, they perhaps most often remember John E Normus. Indeed, he was a great quarterback for the team, but I’ve personally been quite impressed by someone called Guybertini. He often works deep behind enemy lines, operating far from the overflowing depots of Isanamo and Uedama. When he drops another Naga upon some sleepy miner, I gasp every single time.

Frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m a fan.

I want to be cool, like that Guy.

He has dunked more than 7500 miners.

Guybertini ejects them straight out of the game.

The aspierants truly appreciate his content.

He’s even got a sense of humor.

This alliance needs alpha males like Guybertini.

Recently, he encountered a Covetor pilot who wasn’t AFK.

Or so the miner claimed…

The bot was studying for a degree in returning space law.

However, instead, it should just study Guybertini.

For some reason, this really upset the goblok.

Maybe, someday, miners won’t be incompetent poors.

Regardless, we will extirpate them all.

To Stupid

My friends rely on me for emotional support. Sometimes, they just need the galaxy to know about a miner. As a woman, Alt 00 often encounters a form of communication familiar to elite alpha females.

That’s right. Today, we are going to talk about sexual harassment.

“I fuck you on all fours, room whore.”

“So listen to me good stooge, your mistress I’m going to put her on all fours, and put her deep in her ass.”

“Your princess, I fuck her.”

Alt 00 is also a survivor of mining abuse.

She hesitated to speak to a man about this, but knew another woman would sympathize. Of course, Alt was sure James 315 would understand, but couldn’t shake the fear that he might think less of her. She was so ashamed to admit the things that miners say, and worried James might want nothing to do with her. Would he blame her? Would he secretly believe she encouraged it, that she desired this toxic attention?

Your typical miner is a lonely man, frustrated that women aren’t interested in Veldspar or Spod. Alt has repeatedly informed Adrien Naline that she will not date him. Miners are disgusting. Gross! However, Adrien doesn’t care about mining permits or the eternal consequences of sin. He just wants one thing. Alt declined the nauseating offer, but Adrien is too stupid to understand.

From time to time, Adrien will drink a little courage, and try again.

Adrien thought about his feelings for months, and eventually decided to propose. Of course, Alt had no interest in such a terrible arrangement.

Recently, she was sorely dismayed by the death of James, and wondered if Princess Aiko would ever allow James to become God. In her grief, Alt went to mourn in Halaima. Eventually, she returned home to Nakugard, dressed in black.

Her beautiful eyes were hidden by dark sunglasses. Alt 00 was sad, but found solace, her faith renewed amidst despair. She was saved and born again.

Like many men, Adrien desperately intruded into a personal conversation.

Alt and Ehnea Mehk tried to continue their private discussion, gently hinting to Adrien that they really weren’t interested in him.

Adrien was in the ‘mood’. He only thought of himself.

Ehnea tried to get Adrian to understand how he could comfort Alt, but he believed that being obnoxious is how you attract a lady.

Meanwhile, local miners gathered around to view a portrait of their chaste teenage Saviourette. They seemed to really like her.

Aiko’s portrait drove the miners into a wild frenzy.

To be continued…

Kage Rage, Part 8

Kage Rage, Part 1

Listening to: Tech House Mix

My dear sister and esteemed colleague Alt00 painted another beautiful portrait, inspiring me to continue migrating the MinerBumping artwork. If it’s been awhile since you checked out our elite CODE. Art, come check out the gallery!

Previously on James315.Space… kage1982 was not at all salty as he counted to 100 over and over, but he was clearly ‘griefing’ the CODE. agents of Isanamo, who winced as they were forced to repeatedly clean up kage’s debris.

kage1982 > do you know how to stop crying?#i bet when code players go to bed they check under it for kage before they sleep he he

Woosh!

My big Your Awesum Brutha has an interesting theory. What if kage actually is upset about all those ships he lost. Is kage too stupid to know his own mind?

Our agents pride themselves on being open-minded, reflecting carefully upon their own moral shortcomings. My Your Awesume Brutha was tormented by the accusation that he might be a real-life pedophile. He thought for a long time, searching deep inside himself for the remote possibility that kage might actually be right. Ultimately, after a thorough psychoanalysis, he concluded that it just isn’t feasible.

When kage contacted his local police department, they confirmed that the CODE. only bumps miners (that’s spelled with an E).

Perhaps kage was transposing his own flaws unto my Brutha?

kage1982 > her ass is the size of frieghter no doubt
Whadda Badasaz > You know Aiko is a 14 year old child in real life, right?
Aiko Danuja > he isn’t salty though
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja like the inside of your mouth for ten dollars

kage1982 > Aiko Danuja hey dont talk with your mouth full that guys paying them 10 bucks cheeky maire
Aiko Danuja > What do you mean, my mouth isn’t full ??
kage1982 > awww kid , does daddy call it something else 🙂

kage twisted the facts and reflected everything back on my Brutha.

He became obsessed with both Ernst Steinitz and especially my Brutha. kage can’t stop their ganks, but he really likes to watch.

YIKES

kage is jealous of their relationship. He can tell, from her grace and charm, that Aiko is a real-life teenage princess — but he doubts Ernst.

Inevitably, the other miners became tired of kage’s prattle.

kage enjoys attempting to follow CODE. fleets, often warping to the wrong belt, and the miners have concluded he must be an incompetent CODE. scout. Sometimes he arrives long after the gank is over. Why is he even there? Perhaps he is an elite CODE. supervisor, verifying another successful gank?

They began to dock up whenever they saw kage.

My Brutha sought to reassure the confused miners.

Ernst was worried about kage’s mental state, urging him to stop failing daily.

However, kage still isn’t upset.

When my Brutha’s hot Austrian girlfriend came over to watch Netflix and chill, his character stayed logged in. kage sat outside feeling lonely.

A few days later, Ernst and my Brutha discussed the situation.

One thing is clear, the CODE. has truly affected the culture of EVE, as miners know and understand that ‘miner’ is an insult. Indeed, mission accomplished.

kage eventually had a big announcement. He is a professional CODE. hunter.

He even led a three man taskforce to take down Ernst.

Quint is a highroller with a couple dollars in his pocket, and a desperately autistic desire to have someone notice him. Initially, he wanted to fund ‘bounties’ against some random corporation that dunked his mining ship.

However, Quint soon realized who the real celebrities are.

So Quint picked a more exciting obsession.

It was an exciting opportunity for kage.

To be continued…

Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Yep yep yep
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
I’m winning
Yep yep yep
I knew from the start
That I had to come back again
Purple dots, flashing lights
I know I can count on you
I want to see you tear it up
No matter where you are
Here I am once again
I feel like I am trying
So make your move
Step across the line
Keep the frequency
Keep it coming
Keep control
Bring it back
Panic
Panic
Panic
Just don’t stop
I wanna take you on
I feel so freaky good
The galaxy is mine
Panic panic
Panic panic
Panic panic
My house
I can say
I can say
I can say
Put it all on the tab
The galaxy is mine
Here I go