Rudokop Forever

In the award-winning film Robocop, the antagonist is a bot aspirant employed by Omni Mining Corporation. This same character exists in EVE Online, where he is known as Rudokop. In both cases, the character is a shameful golem, which serves the interest of a nefarious high security conglomerate. One day, Rudokop was stealing ore, when Adrian Vexier confiscated his illegal mining drones.

This is war, this is not peace.
Dark slime fills the aether.
Dead children don’t touch the heart.
Black mark for all gentiles!

Rudokop’s PvP alt is Ivan Mihalich SIM, who roleplays as someone salty.  

Adrian is not very good at taking screenshots, but does that make him a demon?

Ironically, according to CCP, Adrian is a saint! Whereas Rudokop’s security standing is 0.7, Adrian’s is fully 4.3 points higher! Is it possible that those who embrace the Code are better at carebearing than the carebears themselves?

Rudokop was clearly jealous!

When Rudokop tried to exorcise the demon, he was dismayed to see yet another demon appear in local, and they began to discuss him with clinical disdain.

Life is hard for Soviet bears…

Perhaps Rudokop could find a way to win, in the afterlife…

To be continued…

 

Kage Rage, Part 7

Previously on James 315.Space… Space bully kage1982 was griefing Ernst Steinitz, who was sorely triggered and saltily cancelled kage’s docking and tethering rights at Isanamo’s popular Home for Young Miners.

Despite the termination of his YMCA membership, kage continued to orbit the station, guzzling an endless flood of ganker tears.

As kage orbited the YMCA, he was distracted by a personal invitation from the lovely Princess Aiko. Apparently, he was living rent free in her head.

Ever since he was first ganked back in 2008, kage has dedicated his life to extracting salt from gankers, by allowing them to gank him again and again. One of kage’s favourite rhetorical tricks is to roleplay as someone who isn’t upset.


It was quite the magic trick. An entire Garmur vanished, along with kage’s pod!

This is what kage planned all along, giving him the perfect opportunity to extract more salt. Haha, the stupid gankers fell for it again!

To be continued…

I Actually Do Run Jita (fyi)

Hello, friends! As you know, I’m currently listening to soft jazz, whilst dunking freighters and orcas in Uedama. In the background, I can hear a miner happily singing the Code as he transfers all his assets to me, and I’m also taking a minute to write in my famous blog. Yes, that’s right, it’s just another typical evening for those who have the good sense to support our mighty New Order. Praise us!

There’s been a lot of talk lately, and I have to agree with what people are saying. Sometimes you meet someone within CODE. and they don’t get it. They aren’t truly one of us. Meanwhile, you’ll meet someone outside the alliance, and they won’t even have a permit! Somehow, that person is still a member of our team? Cargo Bandit is one such gal. A friendly lady, brave enough to get into voice comms, and smart enough to not give me all her stuff. Although Academy of the Unseen Arts has historically been carebear potato garbage, Cargo Bandit managed to start a ganking special interest group, turning retrievers and procurers into thrashers and tornadoes. Not bad!

A fledgling ganker recently contacted me with some alarm, upset about the fact that I authorized unrestricted ganking warfare in Jita. Now that James is dead, there is a lot of confusion about what it means to support the New Order. Did James ever approve of the tornado? What about the thrasher? Aren’t we all supposed to be in catalysts, and only in catalysts? Oh my, who is even responsible for training the new gankbros? I guess this task falls upon me, as Saviourette of the New Order, to remind everyone that James was always a big believer in dunking the miners. Always! Cargo Bandit may not have a mining permit, but she definitely has a CODE. certified ganking permit.

Hayden Faiel tried to smuggle a blueprint out of the Jita Naval Yard, and fortunately Cargo Bandit’s friend Orin Uldarin was on duty. Hayden was thus saved the embarrassment of getting caught in Uedama with a freighter full of oracles, and was grateful for the opportunity to purchase his permit. What a lucky fellow!


Hayden was so delighted by Orin’s dutiful enforcement of the high security zone, that he voluntarily donated a billion isk!

Unfortunately, Hayden was a little confused about who runs Jita.

When he asked to speak with a supervisor, Hayden was shocked to discover women were in charge. For some reason, he just didn’t like them.

Like many miners, Hayden was a griefer space bully.

After glancing at our killboard, Hayden realized that scorpions and leshaks aren’t an effective deterrent to the New Order. Instead, he demanded a do-over. Perhaps his corvette would have been victorious in Nullsec?

Needless to say, his threats weren’t credible.

It was just another day in Highsec…

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 81

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Elite naval strategist Aiva Naali, aka ‘The Supper computer’, aka ‘anaCheeya ANARKY’, aka ‘140 Big Girth’, aka ‘quantum’, aka ‘Agent Anvil’, aka ‘lil Bullet’, was determined to crush Pandemic Horde, directing the Imperium to rain down upon them like a swarm of angry bees. However, war is hell, and that means taxes and line item expenses. Aiva vowed to purchase his seat on the War Council, and was pleased by the presentation of an official billing statement.

Before James 315 passed on, after sipping from that fateful cup of wine which I poured unto him, he begged me to ensure that the full story would be told. An entire galaxy has been torn by the Great War of Aiva, and many wish to hear the inspiring tale of a Highsec miner’s rise to absolute Ascendancy. I am most pleased to continue this narrative, referring you now to a Discord channel known to OnlyFans as Aiko’s Pleasure Palace. It was here that quantum vowed to do everything necessary to defeat Pandemic Horde.

For every problem, there is always a solution, always!

For now, the crucial issue was that lapsed payments automatically triggered a series of routine budget cuts, and late fees would have to be paid promptly to ensure that quantum’s official Goonswarm Director of War Council and Imperial Naval Office of Scientific Research and Applied Development campaign could proceed.

Not surprisingly, Agent Anvil wanted to succeed, but his friends were busy with their own political campaigns. Everything depended upon ensuring that the right people were placed into key positions across the Galactic Council, whilst enemies of the state were sidelined. In particular, the shareholders would soon be electing the next Saviour or Saviourette of Highsec, and the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher!


Although quantum’s campaign staff feared the growing power of Dolphin Don, a xenophobic anti-furfan, quantum reassured everyone that the Mittani would intervene and ensure that the good guys were victorious.


With a powerful friend like the Mittani, quantum was sure to win, provided he could continue with his payments to the Election Fund.

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 5

Previously on James315.Space… Newbro Odbayar bought another mining permit, and was excited to meet isk doublers, treblers, and quintuplers. Some jellybears don’t have charisma, calling us Space Bullies, but we are professional helpers. 

Aiko Danuja > Odbayar you need to send 30 million to Butter Button
Odbayar > Aiko Danuja you send me 30M isk ?
Aiko Danuja > you send to him, then i send u 60 million

Odbayar > wow


The old saying rings true. One man’s everything is my new garbage. Oldbayar doubled down on his initial investment, and then he doubled down again.
 
=

 

Would Oldbayar ever finish paying for his crimes?

Even the illegal ore was returned.

As Odbayar took the oath of poverty, he began to finally feel free.

He now understood what true friendship was all about.

He was also learning a valuable lesson.

At that very moment, Odbayar won big on the Hypernet raffle lottery!

Everyone was cheering for the little guy.

Meanwhile, Odbayar continued to pull random objects out of his hangar.

He was a big believer in giving everything to the New Order.

We encouraged Odbayar to think big.

Unfortunately, Odbayar began to have doubts.

What was wrong?

Odbayar felt we owed him more than a free ganking Catalyst.

Once a miner, always a miner…

Odbayar waited patiently, while Princess Aiko went to important meetings.

Would Odbayar ever get his new rorqual?

Not today friend!

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Odbayar was delighted to learn that mining permits are just 30 million isk, and every purchase qualifies for instant doubling. He wanted to get rich quick, greedily applying for liberal handouts.



Whadda Badasaz was generous, offering to quadruple Odbayar’s isk. Even better, if Odbayar signed up today, he would qualify for an extra BONUS.


Agents of the New Order are always eager to help newbros, and began patiently explaining how to create an official business contract.

Odbayar began voluntarily transferring his assets.


Many EVE players would let Odbayar dwell in isolation, without content, but our CODE. agents encouraged Odbayar to develop his own story.

Odbayar was happy to finally be playing EVE.

Odbayar originally claimed that he only had one ship, but this was revealed to be a rotten lie. He was trying to scam our elite agents, pretending to have nothing left, and yet he always managed to pull one more item out of his hangar. As Sun Tzu famously wrote, “You can squeeze water from a rock, if you squeeze gently.”



Odbayar explored his inventory, and was amazed to find forgotten items. Fortunately, Princess Aiko was willing to liquidate everything.

 

To be continued…

BONUS: Blake McAllister of New Order Mining Authority has produced this poster, perfect for your bedroom wall.

 

 

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Previously on James315.Space… Hyperlife was eager to buy his permit, and donate billions of isk to support the New Order. Getting ganked was a real gamechanger for him, and he was eager to stop mining. Let’s now examine another sort of miner, the unrepentant newbro. Little Odbayar hails from Mongolia, but soon found himself stealing ore in Highsec. As you might imagine, he found himself in quite a bit of legal trouble.

At some point, Odbayar was convinced to purchase a permit, but became dismayed when the license was revoked. Unfortunately, bot aspirancy is a violation of the End User License Agreement, as defined by the New Halaima Code of Conduct.


As part of the Pangalactic Ganking Amnesty Agreement, negotiated amidst a derecho on Agil-III, the official leadership of the New Order and the ranking shareholders of the realm have agreed to support a combined grand offensive against Highsec miners. It was thus that Odbayar found himself  confronted not only by the mighty CODE. alliance, but also by our friends in Pandemic Horde. Subsequently, I was touring the official CODE. museum, when I found poor Odbayar crying to an empty channel. I could see he was desperately attempting to find someone who would sell him a new permit, and took it upon myself to invite this little fellow to a more active channel: Why Was I Ganked? 

This was not Odbayar’s first time in prison, and he knew the routine, dutifully presenting his latest killmail for an official inspection.

After examining the evidence, I summoned Butter Button to collect rent.

Odbayar briefly malfunctioned, but was easily rebooted.


Like most newbros, Odbayar appreciated our help.

Butter Button was especially impressed by the professionalism of Princess Aiko, the Sword of Restoration. The New Order once again demonstrated that it was not only the master of Highsec, but Nullsec as well.

Odbayar was happy, and Butter was also satisfied.

Everyone was content, but could Odbayar negotiate an even better deal?

To be continued…
 

 

 

Code Ready Always

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: The end of Juneteenth coincides with Wardfest, and you know what that means: derecho season! Uf, no me gusta! High command is aware “the weather” is of concern to middle management, and we are doing everything we can to improve the climate. I seem to remember a simpler time, when we had another word for señor Derecho. El tindersturm??? Tundrastrom? Tengostrumpet????? I don’t recall, but I’m glad that James315.Space is a safe place without arbitrary nonse.

***

Previously on Minerbumping… Our late Saviour penned a seminal historiographic narrative, depicting the awesome saga of New Order agents in battle against intergalactic minery. Kalorned and TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet have long been controversial, striking fear into even the toughest jellybear. Fortunately, as part of the New Order Amnesty Accords, Princess Aiko has seen fit to bring these bad boys back into the fold. They have thus bent the knee, accepting her almighty reign.

You may recall that Energy Minx and Greypses Foryuu appeared from nowhere. Subsequently, after destroying The Trade Syndecate, these mysterious heroes returned whence they came. The fate of the Syndecate is known, but questions linger about the lost year, between the conclusion of Code Ready Gelhan and the The Elonaya Conspiracy. What happened to Mission Ready Mining? Are they ok?

As James 315 noted, “Something terrible had happened to that organization, and it went inactive.” But what exactly was that terrible thing? This, dear reader, is an intriguing question. Now that Kalorned and Tweeps have been firmly brought to heel, the truth can finally be revealed here, as James 315 would have wanted.

Fresh from the New Order Vaults, I am thus pleased to announce Code Ready 2: Kalorned’s Revenge. This epic non-fiction docudrama will bring to light the incredible details of Mission Ready Mining’s stunning defeat, at the hands of Assistance Group (which contains some of the New Order’s most seductive Aiko alts). Finally, we will have official answers. It’s like Christmas, so please enjoy this special audio trailer:

Sex. Violence. Ganking. Bumping. Spying. Evictions. Sex. Betrayals. More evictions. More spying. Real-life threats. More Sex. Buckle up, friendo, the boys are back and this time they have a Princess. Are you CODE. ready?

To be continued…

False Valour, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Vasalinda Fingerback was unable to tell the truth, and she was also unable to survive Highsec. An elite team of CODE. social workers sought to help Vasalinda come to terms with her indecent lifestyle.

Alas, Vasalinda needed help accepting help.

It’s hard to imagine a race more disgusting than the Highsec miner.

Vasalinda dropped a bombshell on the Why Was I Ganked? channel. Not only was she a badass miner, classy lady, and internet tough guy – but she was also an elite amphibious assault specialist. Normally, when someone tells me that they have served in the Armed Forces, I tend to believe them. However, I was struggling to accept this miner’s story, and doubted that Marines are common plebs.

It always pains me to accuse someone of false valour, because it’s possible that an absolute moron somehow slipped through the intensive recruitment process. However, Highsec miners are notoriously dishonest. We’ve seen our fair share of miners who dropped deep behind Soviet lines, ganking Albanian tanks with their trusty M47 Dragon ATGM, but we’ve also seen a few miners who exaggerated a little bit.

I’ve never met a U.S. Marine who felt bullied by space cartoons.

This was Vasalinda’s chance to shame ME. She might have called my bluff, describing her heroic defense of Hue, or her brilliant maneuver at Chosin. She could have described the bloody perimeter at Henderson field, or her courageous action at Fallujah. However, those battles paled in comparison to Vasalinda’s concern: the mining permit.

The truth often reveals itself.

Fortunately, Vasalinda was having fun and wasn’t upset or bothered.

It is often difficult to feel any pity or sympathy for the hapless miners.

 

 

 

 

False Valour

In this era of Jamespocalypse, everyone is flocking to the official Why Was I Ganked? channel, where the best content is reserved for premium shareholders.

As the mighty CODE. alliance continues to grow in strength, miners struggle to even find a means of attacking our invincible legacy. 

Vasalinda hoped to exploit the death of James. Was the CODE. alliance growing soft and weak, ruined by incompetent middle management?

Meanwhile, she was delighted to be the center of attention.

As word spread of Vasalinda’s appearance in the docket, everyone wanted to meet her.

Unfortunately, she was unwilling to pay her own defense attorney.

She was also a terrible liar.


Please don’t “ask James”. Just let the dead rest in peace.

Professor Lawton’s alt understood the miner’s problem…

To be continued…