Princess Aiko – Page 115 – ‎James 315 Space

High Sec Miner Grab Bag #217

Highsec miners can be surprisingly eloquent. At first, I thought 94ndalf spoke a pig-Latin variant of Igbo. However, after correcting his spelling and punctuation, I realized he wrote a Romanian poem. Here is an English translation (I have tried to preserve the original tone), “to put my dick in mine! I will catch you and I will fuck you every time I have the opportunity! and I’ll hunt you … because I have what!”

Some miners are introverts, and just get straight to the point.

Other bears take their time, before working up to a big finish.

Antigankers are right. I like when gobloks express emotion.

They always seem to know how to brighten our day.

Even new gankers are having a great time.

It’s always good to hear from old friends.

They really enjoy my Why Was I Ganked? channel.

As the official Saviourette (yours and yours), I’ve made a lot of new friends.

I look forward to our future interactions.

It’s hard to believe that CCP included such vulgar NPC bots.

Regardless, I wish them all the best!

I’m sure they will find their way…

… and I know they love their Princess.

Những vụ giết người trong tuần

Kills of the Previous Week

Here are some gấu, vaporized between October 11 @ 00:00 and October 17 @ 23:59.

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Rogue Priest was a heretic, and his Tsukurasian cult has been vandalizing the sacred rocks. Fortunately, Ernst Steinitz and the New Eden Institute of Mathematics calculated exactly how many Talosi were needed. The correct answer is nine.

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Nigel Shardani was a strange man, with a weird dream. He brought his shield boosting Loki to Bagodan, for reasons which will never make sense. One gust from the north, and his cruiser was gone. That wasn’t very strategic.

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Grom Larsson thought he was some kind of Scandinavian ‘engel der absolution’. When he fit his Paladin full of green things, he anticipated epic success. Unfortunately, PvE bears aren’t very good at PvP, and Grom had an escalation with MrDiao, Sessin Severasse, Aryte Vesperia, Catherine Catharsis, Shadow Defiance, and myself.

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Licrahe Eimae knew that green trash isn’t the best, and she decided to try some blue stuff. The result was no different, and she went down to a pair of destroyers, piloted by Ulianov and GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM.

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You might assume that Alice Walkure had a head full of blingy combat implants. Actually, she was just a common miner, with a Crystal addiction.

We Wish You the Best

Miners deserve their fate.

When I caught Sabbat Saint, with his hand in the cookie jar, I just couldn’t allow him to steal my ore. He was executed, in accordance with the law — my law.

Every now and again, crabs try to flex. They claim to have powerful friends in Highsec, proudly presenting someone else’s elite credentials.

Sabbat considered himself to be above the law, simply because he joined a Potato Alliance, which literally anyone can join.

Sabbat felt he was negotiating from a position of strength. Therefore, when we confronted him about his use of foul language in a family game, he paid no heed.

Little did he realize, Executive Potato Kalessi Kashada was watching.

Are PvE bears exempt from the law, simply because they know a ganker in Jita?

Sabbat Saint > i dont mine shit i dont mine…an ore in an iki who the fuck mines in an iki. i love that you call me a miner. what is that i dont know how to shoot rocks
Sabbat Saint > Aiko Danuja like my balls fuck yeah haha
Sabbat Saint > i love that your clit is the size of a button its a little rub me nub and that your a nice and quick shot no one wants to waste all day
Aiko Danuja > What does that even mean?
Zharayah Shardani > i think it means one pump chump
Sabbat Saint > and my balls are presented for you to have a lick. hard day of work
Miners-are-second-class citizen > very abusive sub species

I took out my pink highlighter…

…because that is no way to address a Princess!

This morning, Sabbat had an appointment with Human Resources.

The CEO made an executive decision.

Sabbat is a rotten potato.

He should watch his tone, when speaking with a Lady.

I’m ready for his apology, and 315 million isk.

This incident sparked renewed interest in the CODE, amongst various miners who try to relax within the potato patch. Concerns about being ganked led naturally to discussion of James 315, and his vision for the future of Highsec.

I certainly will!

Support and Encouragement

Usually, when we encounter a miner, he is sincerely apologetic.

It breaks my heart, to see destitute miners dwelling in misery. Therefore, I naturally try to ensure their ultimate success.

We all want the same thing, happy miners who rejoice at their good fortune.

Unfortunately, some gobloks are beyond saving.

Guybertini is one of the New Order’s most experienced space therapists, and he wanted to help Rais McKivit find clarity and peace.

Like most miners, Rais struggled with emotional turmoil. According to zkillboard, he hasn’t really done anything for six months, after losing three Rattlesnakes to NPC bots. When Rais saw Guybertini in local, he cried out for help.

Hidden inside a space station, desperately hoping for free counseling, Rais watched as Guybertini passed through the system. Unfortunately, Rais doesn’t have a mining permit, and I doubt it will ever be safe for him to undock. Sad!

Don’t be Mean

My venerated Why Was I Ganked? channel is dedicated to helping miners understand why everybody wants them dead. I could tell you it’s all because of James 315, and his wonderful blog, but James knew a deeper source.

People have been shooting Highsec miners from the beginning, when my Imperial Guards first claimed Halaima and the Greater Lonetrek. One evening, in Second Life, I met with James, Helicity, Karttoon, and the Sheikh. We became kindred spirits, mutually inspired by ancient tradition. More than twenty thousand years ago, the Spartan ephors declared an always war upon hapless helots. This established a fundamental law. The haves must exterminate the have naughts. Their villages must be burnt, their trees shall be uprooted, and their heads will be piled into neatly organized pyramids. إِنْ شَاءَ ٱللَّٰهُ‎

aphreshmc just didn’t get it. It often confuses miners, when we patiently explain why they were punished for illicit mining. They cry out in vain, gnashing their teeth, “But I wasn’t mining!” Just calm down miners, you are guilty.

Miners have endless excuses.

aphreshmc had been arrested in Obanen, where he was found adrift within an asteroid belt, orbiting the stormy sixth planet. PRO TIP: A ‘speed tank’ is only effective when you are actually moving. No loitering!

It has been observed that EVE is boring, spreadsheets in space, and not for everyone. As aphreshmc’s eyes fluttered, his subconscious instinctively resigned itself to death. It was an internal coup. His brain recoiled against bot aspirancy, and went on strike, refusing to participate in a mindless repetitive PvE grind.

aphreshmc was disappointed. What was the point of playing a game that you can’t even sleep through? He just hated the idea that he might actually have to try and pay attention. Meanwhile, Sargon of Amerish patiently explained that aphreshmc’s undocking rights were rescinded, until further notice.

~~aphreshmc~~ Pedro didn’t like this. He wanted to fight, but didn’t have a ship.

The notion of personal responsibility was utterly foreign.

~~Pedro~~ ~~braysn~~ jill sputtered, with a corrupt vocabulary.

Polish Assassin reminded jill of ~~his~~ her own família.

This was a trigger.

Her Jackdaw was gone forever.

Her wife was gone forever.

What to do?

Hey, it’s never too late to embrace Gay Pride!

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DEEP THOUGHTS

Should EVE become a spaceship theme park, with CCP catering to AFK carebear tourists? Have you ever wanted to lazily traverse a videogame galaxy, admiring tens of thousands of uniquely identical planets? If this sounds great, Voets Toets is hoping you will chime in with support for his proposal!

Voets wants a ‘tourist race’ which enjoys a five minute invulnerability, whenever another player targets their ship. All new players will be automatically enrolled as tourists, and they can remain tourists forever, freely enjoying all the PvE content they desire. What a brilliant idea! I can’t think of any objections.

Rudokop Forever, Part 10

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James 315 Space... Rudokop Forever was trapped in Soviet hell, beset by spooky American space devils. They were always there, communicating via hyperspace, and hunting him down. His alts began to die, his drones disappeared, and his Orca was buffeted by things that go bump in the night.

Rudokop knew that human sacrifice would placate the demons…

Adrian Vexier was thus compelled by the power of prayer, leaving Rudokop to mine in peace, with a set of cheap drones. Of course, Adrian’s spaceship had a mind of its own, and began gently bumping into Rudokop’s orca.

Rudokop sensed weakness, and decided to take the offensive.

Restrained by BoB’s love, there was nothing Adrian could do.

Rudokop finally had the upper hand.

The next day, as they were leaving the Bleaklands, James was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his alts heard him say it.

On reaching Jita, James entered the naval yard and began driving out those who were buying and selling. He overturned the tables of the money doublers and those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to haul merchandise through the gates. When evening came, James and his alts went out of the spaceport. In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Currin remembered and said to James, “Hearken ye forth! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

Curses are powerful spells, which can reverse the course of history. Rudokop knew the time had come to employ this spiritual nuclear option.

He completed the curse with a quick chant, and Soviet runes.

Yea, and it was verily done.

To be continued…

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The Best Revenge, Part 88

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Persona Avia Naali, aka Mittens 2.0a, aka Aiva Naali, aka Lord Anarky, aka the Gewnfuehrer, was safe and sound within Goonswarm Federation’s climate controlled quarantine bunker. Here, he outlined a new fleet doctrine, as Princess Aiko patiently took notes.

The class 2u trap appears to be an attractive young miner, but like a Q-ship from the First World War, it can quickly online hidden armaments. Meanwhile, class 1b general balance counter ganking vessels (GBCGV) offer a discrete middle ground between pure trap and actual mining ship. class 1b fits are custom designed for special ops, featuring blingy fits, disqualifying them for SRP. Indeed, GBCGVs represent the cutting edge of doctrine, efficient for both mining and combat. In conjunction with the top secret project dog box, Goon FCs have tools which can be adapted for any situation. With a roadmap to victory, it is up to fitting teams to finalize specific details.

As we now know, Agent Anvil, aka the Kingpin, humiliated TEST, via the infamous fleet dance. Several members of Goonswarm have experience in marching band, working night and day to coriogrife a spectacular show which caught TEST scouts by surprise. The dinosaurs watched with awe and amazement, as red triangles formed hypnotic patterns. All of this was mere distraction, as Avia the Magician snuck an entire battlefleet deep into TEST. Vily cried foul, and indeed it was another ‘first’ in EVE history. However, believe it or not, when avia initially devised these strategies, there was little fanfare.

Princess Aiko was overwhelmed by avia’s brilliance, and didn’t know how to respond. Of course, she conveyed avia’s orders to James 315 and the Mittani, but when avia paused — there was silence. aiva might have felt like Sun Tzu, trying to teach the concubines, and wondering whether any would understand. Finally, avia addressed the Princess directly. Could she assemble the dirty dozen, a team of hardcore PvP specialists, the worst of the worst, who would lead assault fleet toward a glorious victory?

She responded, and avia understood the Swarm would obey his orders unconditionally, no matter the cost. As the fleet dance unfolded in beautiful splendour, the assault fleet penetrated deep into Vily’s soft blonde underbelly.

The dirty dozen could expect heavy losses, and many bees would die horrifically once Vily’s dinosaurs realized the fleet dance was a shameless trap, but these losses would only sharpen the Swarm and ensure strategic victory.

It was all about numbers, and the Suppercomputer done did the math.

Unfortunately, he accidentally sent PLEX to Dolphin Don, who failed to win election by proxy as Saviour of Highsec. Princess Aiko narrowed her eyes, confronting Don with a shrill tone, and an evil glint which would brook no defiance. Don meekly complied, acknowledging the new political reality of the New Order. Yea, and verily did James see what had been done, and he knew the succession is secure.

To be continued…

Pay Your Rent

Every now and again, a new returning player will come to EVE, and they will decide to be a whale. They pay CCP a bunch of money, and CCP is happy to accept, because they know the New Order is here to balance the budget.

When James 315 made me the official executor of the mighty CODE. alliance, passing mechanical control into my dainty palms, he had one request, “Kill the miners. Kill them all. I don’t care if they are a two-day old noob Venture, or a Marshal, I want you to burn them out and utterly destroy them. That is my Will, and you are my little Sword of Restoration.” Well, I didn’t feel my dizzy self was up to it, but when the Supreme Protector gives you a direct order, you don’t sit around questioning His wisdom!

I was in a tizzy, unsure how to proceed, but people like Cargo Bandit heard my siren’s cry. They materialized out of abyssal space, ready and able to enforce the CODE. One glance at pokoko, and Cargo knew what to do.

It’s not easy dealing with miners. They lie, cheat, and try to scam us at every opportunity. pokoko didn’t want to pay 20 billion isk for her mining permit, even though it was offered at a fair and reasonable market rate.

pokoko joined my invincible Why Was I Ganked? channel, watching with uncertainty, wondering if permits and rental contracts are actually a valid part of EVE gameplay. However, as Blake McAllister of the honorable New Order Mining Authority conducted business, pokoko could see this is all routine. Unfortunately, pokoko is a tight-fisted Scrooge, and she roleplayed as a despicable poor.

Cargo knows how much I love the miners, just as James always did, and she mercifully offered a generous discount rate.

pokoko decided to play hardball, but Cargo offered a clear warning.

This got pokoko thinking. Maybe citizenship is desirable?

A valid CODE. mining permit guarantees safety in nullsec, lowsec, and jsec, and it also ensures absolute immunity across the entirety of Highsec!

pokoko could see the New Order is bustling, and the clock was ticking…

To be continued…

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BONUS: The Saviour of Highsec is now a sexy Saviourette, and everyone has been wanting to show their unconditional love and support. Minerbitch thought long and hard, concluding that you should add SIMP 4 AIKO emojis to your Discord server. For one billion isk, you can have your very own submission tag.

After reviewing around one hundred variants, I finally settled upon my personal preference, which has a nice outline.

I like the attention. It makes James jealous.

Вбивства тижня

Kills of the Previous Week

Once a week, we like to verify the New Order is alive, by listing our glorious ‘kills of the week’. Usually, all we can manage are a couple noob Ventures, and the occasional Retriever. However, this week was different. Here are some Радянські ведмеді, arrested between October 4 @ 00:00 and October 10 @ 23:59.

Stormgnun was buzzing about in a ship that technically could shoot back, and he was also a member of the secondmost wonderful alliance to ever exist in any reality. He felt truly invincible, cramming his cheap vessel full of magical items, which would assure him victory in any engagement. Alas, the North magnets respectfully descended with the fury of three icenados, and Stormgnun learned why you shouldn’t listen to salty nullbears, who pretend the CODE. isn’t a real thing. The Mittani has my regard.

People often ask me if ganking is profitable. What do you think?

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Pomodor was celebrating the successful conclusion of his first month in EVE. He was a quick learner, proudly displaying his Consortium Vorton Projector, and decided it was time to invade Isanamo. Gallente Citizen, Our Lady Entropy, and Allie Vaille sent Pomodor straight to the biomass queue. Thanks for playing!

Apparently, EVE isn’t a pay to win game? Back to Candy Crush!

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LANVIKA TheForkbeard is a notorious pirate. When Hillbilly-2000 and Ulianov discovered LANVIKA has been stealing my ore, they gave her a close shave and hung her giblets from a yardarm. We don’t tolerate space bullies in Highsec.

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tokoroten eins is a scammer, who stole a Skiff from the Caldari Navy. The New Eden Institute of Applied Mathematics defeated him with numbers.

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brandon pablon thought he was safe, without any CODE. agents in local. Unfortunately, Hell Dawn is basically the exact same group. If anybody gets a chance, ask Amonkhira Drell whether he is willing to SRP my hauler alts. I’m gonna guess not, isn’t that right? I’m just glad you finally got your Raitaru back, friend.

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Silance McCrackin loved his Askleps, but Blade Rayl didn’t approve. Oh well.

I’n drink

This bonus room just got out of control, and I’m sitting here finishing a bottle of cranberry vodka, not really sure what to write.

People have been submitting quality content, and I want to write something, but that would also require me to sober up and actually do my job.

One of my favourite blog topics is myself.

I also kinda like Guybertini.

I don’t mind sharing this sacred space with others. Last night, I went on a sleazy date with some loser, and he was trying to get the details on what exactly I write about. I explained that people from all over the world write gibberish, and all their insane hatemail gets sent to me. I’m the disorganized center of the universe.

I checked out Twitch, and invited a streamer to my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel. It’s obviously the best channel in the galaxy. Like, hello? This nullbear was concerned that CODE. ganks hapless noobs, but when I dunked on a nineteen day-old Venture, even he had to admit this is amusing.