Kage Rage, Part 4

Previously on James315.Space… Salt farmer kage1982 was systematically humiliating the mighty CODE. alliance. Indeed, CODE. agents were horrified to find that kage led a multialt alliance of Maoist rebels, who began conducting a successful #MLM protest in the MinerBumping channel.

kage1982 > Greeting CODE sinners, worshipers of James “20 chins” 315
Krig Povelli > Oh, are you still crying, miner?
kage1982 > Krig Povelli miner you sound mad
Artemis Borovetski > We taking control now
Artemis Borovetski > miners rise up
Adonis Onzo > MINERS RISE UP!
Artemis Borovetski > Everyone out here is an asshole.
God Emperor Kane > i know im one…
kage1982 > God Emperor Kane miner you seem mad, are you mad?
kage1982 > God Emperor Kane your salty tears are drowning the chat miner

Growler Dude did some research, and discovered a dark secret…

Growler Dude > https://zkillboard.com/kill/55114200/ butthurt since 2016. When CODE strikes, the scars are forever
kage1982 > Growler Dude wow miner your stalking skills are very good, takes some level of obsession to do that

After losing his Hulk to The Conference Elite in 2016, kage fled to Nullsec, where he lived like a barbarian and gradually succumbed to the Great Logging Off. However, when the Pandemic of 2020 forced kage into quarantine, he decided to once again return to New Eden and spread his virulence. Even worse, he somehow got it into his foolish RNA that he should replicate in Highsec.

In Uemisaisen (adjacent to Isanamo), kage thus decided to establish his farm, harvesting trigrats and selling them in the markets of Jita. Unfortunately, he failed to obtain a mining permit, and was arrested by Ernst Steinitz . These facts certainly outline the chronology of events, but yet the investigation has thus far unable to determine what kage Ernst was so upset about.

Unlike Ernst, kage1982 simply wasn’t upset at all.

Sensing weakness, and bolstered by an army of Chinese bots, kage1982 was prepared to lay siege to the CODE. naval yards in Isanamo…

To be continued…

Kage Rage, Part 3

Previously, on James315. Space… The Secretary General was sorting through the archives, where she discovered that kage1982 was extracting salt from members of the mighty CODE. alliance. How did this happen? Who was kage1982, and how was he so successful?

Much of kage’s salt farming operation was centered upon Ernst Steinitz, and kage relished that he could collect so many tears from Ernst.

kage1982 > greetings code sinners
Ernst Steinitz > Greetings
kage1982 >  calm down miner this is no place for your salty tears

On occasion, kage would put out a bucket and collect the “nosne” and “nonse” of other CODE. agents.

Your Awesum Brutha > Calm down miner
kage1982 > shut up sinner
kage1982 > blah blah blah miner blah blah jame blah blah blah mum wants me to pay rent now
Ernst Steinitz > poor kage
kage1982 > shit your draws then didnt you nonse
Ernst Steinitz > How are we today, kage?
kage1982 > shush nonse the adults are talking
kage1982 > quiet kiddy fiddler go back in your station
Your Awesum Brutha > Miner, you seem confused
kage1982 > you seem like nonse
kage1982 > still going on about that nosne
Your Awesum Brutha > still crying about that nonsense?
kage1982 > hardly crying about you being a nonse

The further one digs into the tale of kage1982, the closer one comes to an epicenter of pure nonse.

When kage wasn’t practicing his spelling, he worked on his numbers…

Ulianov > he did it at least 2 times
Ulianov > he spent hours doing so
Ulianov > started to count to 100
Ulianov > and started again when failing

I was eventually able to pinpoint the precise reason for kage1982’s mental breakdown source of kage1982’s salt extracting superpowers, by tracking him down inside another channel…

Channel Name: English Help
Session started: 2020.05.19

kage1982 > hey folks has the event skill points bug not been fixed yet?
Pedro Caesar > soon lol
kage1982 > soon how soon?
ebies > tomorrow ™
kage1982 > they said that yesterday
ebies > kage1982 but “tomorrow never comes”
kage1982 > aye true ive already lost 2 months of my life to lockdown

Driven mad by plagues, quarantines, prolonged isolation, and incompetent CCP project development, it appears that kage decided to double down on highsec mining, and took a little trip to Lonetrek. It was not long before he would be returning to the channel, with a slightly different question…

Channel Name: English Help
Session started: 2020.06.23

kage1982 > how do you find out how much kill rights cost?
kage1982 > how do you know how much the prcie of kill rights are?
kage1982 > can anyone answer my question on kill rights

Something terrible must have transpired, between May 19 and June 23, which turned kage1982 into a relentless salt farmer. At one point, all he wanted to do was get free skill points, but now he was wholly obsessed with killrights and the abject humiliation of Ernst Steinitz.

kage1982 > cunts
kage1982 > james 315 is a fat twat’
kage1982 > they are a bunch of c**nts
kage1982 > PEOPLE OF Isanamo THIS IS THE LAW

kage1982 > HIS CAUSE IS NOTHING BUT AN EXTORTION RACKET
kage1982 > TELL CODE WHERE TO SHOVE THEIR PERMITS
kage1982 > FREE EVE
kage1982 > CODE COWER IN Isanamo
kage1982 > james 315 is an extortionist skumbag
Ernst Steinitz > Please calm down miner

When kage grew tired of extracting salt from Ernst, he would travel to Jita and spread the Word…

Isaiah Bhaalgorn > HyperNet offer: Gila
MAMKIN PLEXOGOLIK > Предложение гиперсети: Large Skill Injector*
Zoona Proximo > HyperNet offer: Zarmazd
kage1982 > minerbumping <<<<<< join this channel and mock code
Alex ppt > HyperNet offer: Rattlesnake
Ysera Lux > HyperNet offer: Vindicator 20/48
Quick Viva > [Несколько предметов]
kage1982 > hand up if you hate the CODE
Cemile Gultepe > HyperNet offer: Machariel Blueprint
SouthKenny Park > [Multiple Items]
Roman Gustov > HyperNet offer: Naglfar Blueprint (Original) 379/512 NODES REMAIN!
kage1982 > IF YOU ALL HATE CODE CLAMP YOUR HANDS
Choomop > HyperNet offer: Revelation
Cracked Actor > HyperNet offer: Anshar / Nidhoggur / Thanatos / Marshal
Sigi Dijkstra > Предложение гиперсети: Praxis*

Naturally, he would also extract salt from Erotica 1 alts…

Lily Delta > 5 mil recieved, 10 mil sent back! Check my BIO for more info!
kage1982 > Lily Delta still chattin shit
Judas Orland > [Stolen Corp Loot! Must sell Fast!!! Quick Profit! ONLY 9.5 BILLION ISK]
Lily Delta > 1 bil recieved, 5 bil sent back! Check my BIO for more info!
kage1982 > Lily Delta shut up
Radswanka Lebowski > HyperNet: Marshal / Thanatos
Lily Delta > Want to try the game, but afraid it’s a scam? Check out the screenshot in my BIO!
kage1982 > ^^^BULLSHIT SCAMMER
Astant en Bauldry > »»» HyperNet offer: Pithum A-Type Multispectrum Shield Hardener «««

I was starting to wonder, not that kage seemed upset at all, but just what might he theoretically be upset about?

IllumuIll Estemaire > kage1982 who ganked your venture?
Koizumi Taira > just go zkillboard… it was far from Venture.
kage1982 > ooohh salt again yay
kage1982 > proper noob tears of salt that cant take what you give out

To be continued…

 

 

Kills of a Week

As we adjust our weekly cycle in accordance with the moons, we find ourselves contemplating a week which is vaguely defined between July 5 @ 00:00 EVEtime through July 11 @ 23:59 EVEtime…

Cosmina 1 was loading her Rhea in Jita, when everything went tits up, thanks to Firebush, Ayannae, Bob Mechanic, and Jayson Kusion. A lot of miners don’t respect our friends in Goonswarm, and I suggest those bots read the Code.

Some Chinese botters thought they could hide their Azbel, but they soon had visuals of Chicken Soup, Ms Ruby, Artio Celts, and SidtheKid100. Apparently CODE. actually does go into null sec, where they seem to do rather well.

T’dara read the preceding Kills of the Week, and realized that salvage marauders are no longer part of the meta. However, she still got dunked, by Eva Mavas, Shadow Redemption, Seamus Scrapmagnet, and Aiko Danuja.

Like most all miners, vorlextia just wanted to get rich the easy way. After taking an EVE University course on mining, she skittered off to Niarja and got dunked on by Pod-Goo RepoWoman and Aaaarrgg. I guess ORE Strip Miners aren’t that good at PvP.

characterID 95623671 took the same EVE University course, and decided to fit its Ore Strip Miners unto a Hulk. What could possibly go wrong? Hillbilly-2000, Just-Another-Code-Alt Auralis, and Daystalker 2020 were happy to help the bot uninstall.

nimbadhe didn’t trust banks, and decided to hide his isk inside a pod. He was surprised to encounter our outfit, getting blapped by Aaaarrgg. That name sounds really familiar.


BONUS CONTENT: Nor Relbats was recently mining in Jufvitte, when he encountered a New Order destroyer. He believed his Orca was safe, until suddenly he was confronted by a New Order battleship. Oops!



It appears Nor did not learn his lesson, nor was his artificial intelligence capable of adapting. Indeed, a few minutes later, his alt Ron Relbats had an identical experience. I guess Orcas aren’t safe in highsec? 


The Best Revenge, Part 78

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, on MinerBumping… 140 aka lil’ bullet aka GewnFührer Naali has been measuring his girth, for reasons which have absolutely no connection whatsoever to irregular rental payments rendered upon the official agents of James 315, Landlord of the Delve.

In a mysterious Discord, Princess Butter Cupcake has also been struggling to teach Agent Anvil, aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years, aka quantum, how to drive a car. This was done so that the Suppercomputer might obtain a real job and have a real life in a real country doing real adult things like delivering real pizzas (and maybe even working in a real coal mine).

Although his brain was capable of articulating the finer points of interdimensional mechanics, and the application of fluid dynamics in a direct drill approach through the epicenter of Fort Knox in order to assassinate [REDACTED], quantum often struggled with the subtle nuances of the Vehicular Ordinance Code. Fortunately, our CODE. social workers are eager to help. Always!

As quantum’s tutor attempted to teach the fundamental difference between x>500 and x≥500, the other bigger students saw a chance to butt in and grab a little extra credit for themselves. As you might imagine, quantum was not happy, watching helplessly as Tweeps awarded himself a gold star and began strutting around like a huge peacock.

It wasn’t fair! Tweeps took the gold star, and quantum was left with nothing. Indeed, many miners struggle when reality does not fit neatly into their preconceived theories. They desire the ice and ore, and imagine it flowing deep inside, but they never quite connect the dots. Instead, quantum decided to prematurely terminate his education, and skip straight ahead to fantasy empire building, within a fantasy spaceship game. Indeed, his fantasy was a fantasy within a fantasy.


Class was dismissed, and the invisible beehive stirred busily into action, as lanceing fleet buzzed merrily out of the keepstar. It seemed that all was well in the Imperium, but the reality was that Goonswarm teetered upon the brink of bankruptcy. Quantum contemplated various means to balance the budget. Perhaps expenses could be reduced, or maybe increased?


In lieu of a sudden financial miracle, the only possible solution would be to generate maximal science fiction and thereby devise a wholly new fantasy reality within the fantasy within the fantasy.

Verily, if Scientologists can have faith in Xenu, then the Imperium can have faith in Aiva.

To be continued…


BONUS CONTENT: During the previous post, I revealed the manner in which former fans continually pester the General Secretary, nagging ceaselessly about what they would do differently, if only they could do anything at all.  Whereas my post on Thursday was “too short”, the post on Friday was “too long”. If this sounds like an episode of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, then you understand perfectly.

Let’s put on our real talk hat for a moment. Ok, look, if long self-congratulatory essays about myself and my inevitable victory are not your cup of tea, then you might be searching for another Princess. I thus present to you Pink_PrincessXX, better known by her ingame name: La Sirena Octavius.

As you will see, even La Sirena is a fan of the blog, exhibiting a noticeable reaction when she discovers a “not dodgy… rabbit hole”:  DistinctFascistPenguinPhilosoraptor Zoom in on that face and watch closely. Wait for it… that’s right, you know she likes us.

La Sirena went on to audition for the role of authentic CODE. princess, and I have to acknowledge that she might make a valuable member of the Bonus Brigade:  CheerfulSplendidClintSpicyBoytoy I’ll catch you in highsec! La Sirena was thus enjoying her new friends, and whoops!  LitigiousBelovedRabbitFurry

If I didn’t know better, I’d imagine that somewhere in EVE all the elite PvPers are sitting in a secret chat channel and having conversations like this:

Aiko Danuja > theres a streamer in local: https://www.twitch.tv/pink_princessxx
Aiko Danuja > in the tristan
SilverFoX Katelo > ok thx

Eventually, it was time to go, and La Sirena had to admit the truth: RenownedAnnoyingDogeChefAnnFrank At least she isn’t wasting her time in a mining barge, and we hope she enjoyed the chatroom PvP!

Inb4, “You have too much bonus content.”

 

 

 

 

 

Kage Rage, Part II

Previously, on James 315.Space... kage1982 was reaping a bountiful harvest of CODE. salt. As the alliance archives began to overflow, one intrepid space secretary investigated the tumult in sunny Isanamo.

kage1982 > JAMES 315 CAN SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > 315 SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > 315 SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > DEATH TO THE CODE

kage1982 > I AM THE LAW

Krig Povelli > Sounds like he might be broke

kage1982 > GO FUCK YOUR SELF

Koiso Komatsu > such a goofus

kage1982 > NONSES

Since 2012, the mighty CODE. alliance has offered free spelling and composition coursework for illiterate miners, available for just three billion isk per hour. kage1982 was determined to master multisyllable words, and eagerly enrolled at our award-winning Isanamo campus.

Ernst Steinitz > Some miners never learn

MINERBITCH > leeson done lernt

Knowledgeminer > LOL that kage1982, he was still mad?

Ulianov > yes

Knowledgeminer > I cannot imagine how mad he must be

Ernst Steinitz > he blocked me

On occasion, Kage would participate in solitary spelling bees…

[ 2020.05.29 19:18:57 ] kage1982 > BABY
[ 2020.05.29 19:18:59 ] kage1982 > GO
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:00 ] kage1982 > ALL
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:02 ] kage1982 > NIGHT
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:09 ] kage1982 > SOMETIME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:12 ] kage1982 > ANYTIME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:15 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:16 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:18 ] kage1982 > SWEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:22 ] kage1982 > LITTLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:25 ] kage1982 > MISS
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:28 ] kage1982 > AH
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:31 ] kage1982 > INNOCENT
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:34 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:36 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:39 ] kage1982 > YEAH
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:40 ] kage1982 > YEHA
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:45 ] kage1982 > SO
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:51 ] kage1982 > CMON
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:53 ] kage1982 > TAKE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:54 ] kage1982 > A
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:57 ] kage1982 > BOTTLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:59 ] kage1982 > SHAKE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:00 ] kage1982 > IT
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:01 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:06 ] kage1982 > BREAK
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:07 ] kage1982 > THE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:09 ] kage1982 > BUBBLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:12 ] kage1982 > BREAK
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:13 ] kage1982 > IT
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:15 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:25 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:27 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:29 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:30 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:32 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:34 ] kage1982 > IN
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:35 ] kage1982 > THE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:37 ] kage1982 > NAME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:38 ] kage1982 > OF
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:41 ] kage1982 > LOVE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:43 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:44 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:45 ] Andross Kaelen > Kill: Diana Denisowna (Leopard)
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:46 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:51 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:54 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:57 ] kage1982 > CMON
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:01 ] kage1982 > FIRE
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:01 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:04 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:08 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:09 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:10 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:12 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:13 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:16 ] kage1982 > I
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:18 ] kage1982 > CANT
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:20 ] kage1982 > GET
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:25 ] kage1982 > ENOUGH
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:30 ] kage1982 > IM
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:31 ] kage1982 > HOT
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:33 ] kage1982 > STICKY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:35 ] kage1982 > SWEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:39 ] kage1982 > FROM
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:40 ] kage1982 > MY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:42 ] kage1982 > HEAD
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:43 ] kage1982 > DOWN
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:47 ] kage1982 > TO
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:50 ] kage1982 > MY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:51 ] kage1982 > FEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:25:11 ] Sexy Shower Time > You have a unique way of creating content

He would also practice his maths…

[ 2020.05.29 19:33:40 ] kage1982 > 1
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:40 ] kage1982 > 2
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:41 ] kage1982 > 3
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:42 ] kage1982 > 4
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:43 ] kage1982 > 5
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:44 ] kage1982 > 6
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:45 ] kage1982 > 7
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:46 ] kage1982 > 8
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:46 ] kage1982 > 9
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:48 ] kage1982 > 10

…and kage joined the campus choral club…

kage1982 > I CAN DO IT SO I WILL

kage1982 > IM ADDING CONTENT

kage1982 > I CAN DO IT SO I WILL

kage1982 > IM SAVING EVE THROUGH SONG

Krig Povelli > I would like to request “I’m Blue” by Eiffel 65

[ 2020.05.29 20:01:00 ] kage1982 > heres
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:01 ] kage1982 > the
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:03 ] kage1982 > story
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:05 ] kage1982 > about
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:06 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:07 ] kage1982 > little
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:09 ] kage1982 > guy
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:10 ] kage1982 > who
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:11 ] kage1982 > lives
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:12 ] kage1982 > in
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:13 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:15 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:16 ] kage1982 > world
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:19 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:20 ] kage1982 > all
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:21 ] kage1982 > day
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:22 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:25 ] kage1982 > all
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:27 ] kage1982 > night
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:29 ] kage1982 > everything
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:30 ] kage1982 > he
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:31 ] kage1982 > sees
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:33 ] kage1982 > is
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:34 ] kage1982 > just
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:36 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:38 ] kage1982 > like
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:43 ] kage1982 > him
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:45 ] kage1982 > inside
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:46 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:50 ] kage1982 > outside
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:53 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:55 ] kage1982 > his
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:58 ] kage1982 > house
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:00 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:03 ] kage1982 > his
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:05 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:07 ] kage1982 > window
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:09 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:09 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:11 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:15 ] kage1982 > corvette
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:22 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:40 ] kage1982 > every
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:42 ] kage1982 > thing
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:43 ] kage1982 > hje
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:46 ] kage1982 > sees
[ 2020.05.29 20:03:10 ] kage1982 > is
[ 2020.05.29 20:03:12 ] kage1982 > just

As I proceeded with my investigation of the Isanamo incident, it wasn’t yet clear whether kage1982 is a goofus, but I was beginning to discern a pattern. Without naming any names, I’ll just call this the Pearl River syndrome…

To be continued…


BONUS CONTENT: I was recently relaxing in the elite director’s only Omegle channel, where I was angrily confronted by one of our former fans. After a thoroughly autistic meta-analysis, they were shocked to discover that the previous blog post had been stepped on! Although the length was a respectable 712 words, fully 15% was copied and pasted from Jita local and the English Help channel. Yikes! Can you imagine snorting a line of your favourite blog, and then realizing that you are done for the day? Double yikes! This is precisely what Stephen King was concerned about when he wrote Misery. Don’t worry miner, just send a few billion isk to James 315, and I’ll get you some of the good stuff.


BONUS ENDORSEMENT: If you aren’t an ASL voice verified Marshal of the Old Guard, you might be wondering whether the Good News is true. Has the blog returned, to save us all again? Well, last night on the Twitch, an official space angel descended from the Heavens to speak unto Zaenis and unmute the Word. Full faith or no faith, always!

Praise James, cuz you ain’t that average groupie!

 

 

Kills of the Week

A lot of people have been wondering, if this is an authentic blog, then where are the kills of the week? Well, here are some kills that happened between one point of time, and another arbitrary moment, over the course of approximately a week.

 

Lapsh dared to show his fat face in Jita, and he got dunked by CheytanElRagim, Jayden Kusion, and Amallea (along with a few of their good friends). That’s just another red line in Silent Company’s long killboard history…

 

NO COL was flying her salvage Golem in Piekura, where she got told NO by Gankzter McGankFace, Ivanna GanksChu, and GankzPewPew. Great job!

 

Likewise, Macus Irrelium was commanding his salvage Paladin in Avyuh, when he had a ruh roh with Shadow Fireball, Void Delivery Service, and Evil Marxist. Well done, and thanks for the free salvage!

 

TieLight was operating his Aeode ORE Mackinaw in Luminaire, when he got deleted by Ulianov and Shilliam Watner. Awesome work!

 

Biggy Din put a blingy tier II warpcore stabilizer on his ORE Hulk in Kaunokka, but he got destabilized by Pod-Goo RepoWoman and Aaaarrgg. Here’s a pro-tip: If you are AFK, you won’t be able to warp away.

 

popetown thought she was safe in the null tutorial zone, where she got snuffed out  by MIC Improvise, Codeysatfa, and SidtheKid100. Next time, she should try farming in an empty wormhole.

 

ChostDog was surprised to lose his 2.5 billion isk Vargur in Apanake, where he got obliterated by Whadda Badasaz, Shadow Cyrilus, Seamus Scrapmagnet, and Shadow Defiance. That High-grade Crystal Omega sure was expensive… but what does it do?



As queen regent of the galaxy, many miners have been coming to me with their concerns and questions. Most recently, Martin Lockheart was crying because he claimed a ‘funeral procession’ as his excuse to smuggle a war fleet through our high-security zone in Molea. Our friends in Hell Dawn were there to offer their condolences, but LeiLong Pong noticed something suspicious about the ‘hearse’.

That’s right, it didn’t even have a mining permit.

Martin appealed directly to my sentimental nature, stating that the ‘funeral’ was for a beloved miner: binette evingod. I checked to see if she was naughty or nice.

I’m sorry, but bots don’t get funerals.

When you go to hell, expect Hell Dawn.

A New Blog, for a New Order, Part 2

Miners have been celebrating the apparent demise of our beloved MinerBumping. Indeed, it is the end of an era. For the first time in nearly a decade, they have begun imagining a Highsec without the invisible hand of James 315. Has the Father of the New Order finally logged out forever? Have the miners won?

Of course, this is nothing new. Soothsayers have been predicting the disappearance of their Saviour since time immemorial.


However, this time, it feels different. With the conclusion of MinerBumping, rumors and speculation run rampant. Some miners insist the Imperium has cancelled the embargo of Dodixie, and ice freighters claim free transit through Uedama. Others claim there is a new blog, and even a new James, or is it the anti-James? What are we to believe? Who can we trust?


Recently, Jesus has been grappling with these very questions, and the moderators of Rookie Help have been forced to relax their censorship, so new players may fully digest the momentous changes which are coming down the pipeline. Meanwhile, antiganking carebears have descended upon the vulnerable MinerBumping channel, spreading toxic heresies.
 

Jesus, if you are listening, I want you to know that I am here for you. You may call me the old James, the new James, or no James at all. Some miners speak of a trinity, formed by James the Father, the joyous spirit of the AGBees, and a not so mysterious third party. Regardless, the shareholders have enshrined our Code as a constitutional law, which ensures a peaceful transition from one blog to the next. Rest assured, my dear CodeAnons, we will leave no miner behind.

In Grab Bag #212, the Lord Protector spake thusly:

These Goofuses don’t even understand how government works.

Now, I know what you are wondering. As the miners have bent the knee, accepting the auspices of civilization, just what kind of government have we established? I tell you this, friend, it is a republic – if you can keep it. With the cherished democratic principles of the shareholders, and the voice of the people represented by the Code, I have supreme confidence in the future of our great democratic people’s republic.

Our first order of business is clear enough. We must ensure that the miners do not relapse, forgetting their most gracious master, who has set them free from the shackles of bot aspirancy. The freedom to exist also implies the freedom to fail daily, and many miners are already taking advantage of this opportunity. Some believe their deliverance is at hand, talking about the mighty CODE. alliance in the past tense, as if we no longer existed. 

The miners may be confused, but we know the solemn truth. Our historic revolution may be complete, but we have already begun our second great revolution. Indeed, it is our humble duty to export this unceasing revolution throughout the galaxy, and safeguard it against the counter-revolutionary rantings of the miners and their carebear brethren.

Without MinerBumping to guide them, many miners have already begun relapsing, endlessly reliving painful memories of their awkward adolescence. Naturally, these simpletons are convinced our glorious victory has  no discernible impact upon their wretched lives.

A few sillies, sensing the disappearance of Minerbumping’s omnipresent gaze, have begun openly confessing to grotesque crimes.

The most foolish have naively concluded that this is their time to shine, and are dizzy with delusional ‘success’. 


Indeed, a lot of miners have been celebrating, and it’s been one long Juneteenth. Fortunately, the shareholders are ready for a new era of renewed success, ensuring that our benevolent governance of Highsec will not be undermined by those who reject the Code.

Can you imagine? The sheer audacity of this rebel, pretending that he doesn’t even know what a permit is for.

Ah, but he knows… The antiganker may not realize he is failing daily, but he most assuredly understands what the permit is for.

It is, of course, for him.

 

A New Blog, for a New Order

Previously on MinerBumping

Hello there, old friend… and a Merry Fourth to you! Hey, why don’t you come in, and stay awhile? Pardon all the dust, I’ve been remodeling. There’s been a lot of newfangled changes, and… you want to discuss the New Order? Well my, that’s quite a subject, where should I begin?

“…a whiny highsec miner is hardly capable of writing history; his participation is limited to having his profanity-laced tears collected and published in a coherent narrative…”

Less than a fortnite ago, I was a humble agent of the Order, joining fleets and having beers with the boys; I even played Minecraft with Loyal. Naturally, I always wanted to know what it was like in the trenches, but as a daughter of the New Order, my ascension was inevitable. Always!

Boyo, those were the days…

Do you remember William Greer, of Pearl River?

“Which brings me to those who still have questions about a world in which there are no new MinerBumping posts. For one thing, there is great prestige to be had in going back and reading everything again from the beginning.”

Of course, if you are too busy or illiterate to read your complete annotated guide to EVE history, Angelos Mortis has concisely summarized an Idiot’s Guide to MinerBumping. Thank you kindly, Angelos!

Not to blare my own trumpet, but MinerBumping is quite a blog. One of the great works of non-fiction. What’s that? You want a sequel? Oh my… I don’t know about that friend, writing is a lot of work and surely I’ve got better things to do with my valuable time…

“It’s a great time to think about how awesome the Code is and how lucky we all are to be experiencing it… As unimaginable as it is, I’m going to help you imagine a world without the Code.”

Scary, eh? That’s what happens when you lack full faith! Fortunately, the mighty Code is more powerful than any miner, and shall always be enforced by those who have the will and (more importantly) the ability. As Sun Tzu once said, “When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature, they will like the strong horse.” That’s reality my friend.

A lot of Highsec miners have been afraid. Without the guiding light of our Saviour, who will save them? Did they really think He was gone? Did they really think He is AFK? As you know, your local highway police will document the shameful exploits of a goofus, and plaster their foolish face upon a billboard. Our fair government understands that public shaming is not a form of cruel bullying, but merely the only appropriate reaction. 

Oh dear. What can I say? Calm down miners.

Anyways, why don’t you come back tomorrow, and we can talk about all this foolishness. Would you like that? 

To be continued…

 

 

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