Category: Funerals

Happy Aiko Day!

June Twenty-Fourth. A day celebrated across New Eden.

My favourite thing about Juneteenth, is that it signals the approaching glory of Aiko Day. As you know, this is the most festive Highsec Holiday, during which various empires, federations, republics, and states celebrate the matriculation summa cum laude of their beloved sovereign Highness, Princess Aiko Danuja.

Once upon a time, this was known as Code Day, or the Day of Jamespocalypse. Indeed, on this day, James 315 posted an abridged version of the Code. June 24 is a special day, and James did this as an act of faith in the prophesized coming of Her divin royale majeste. He knew people were not yet ready for radical totalitarian feminism, but he led them toward a bright future, which we celebrate today.

Like many quitters and lossers, James 315 declared an imaginary victory. He did this, also on Aiko Day, to establish a clear and undisputed transition of governance. In a sense, James was victorious, because everything he did would lead to my success. However, our mission remains incomplete. James may have completed his Eight Year Plan, but with or without him, we must continue. Forever means Always!

There were various reactions to James 315’s premature declaration. Some people drank the Kool-Aid, praising James with their dying breath, as Dresden Rubble Gnomes entombed them inside Dear Leader’s sarcophagus. These roleplayers were lame, and we were not sorry to see them go. Others were annoyed. How could James doom his alliance to eternal stagnation? Such sentiments threatened the very existence of civilization. Meanwhile, former fans saw an opportunity. They began roleplaying as “independent New Order agents”. Today, they remain outside the community, where they belong.

I told you the honest truth.

James 315 is dead.

So we held a funeral, respectfully waited six months to see if he would be born again, and then I created a new alliance, a better alliance, a stronger alliance. An alliance with more Aiko. This is what James wanted. He didn’t want us to join an autistic cult, worshiping him ad nauseum. He wanted us to move on, to the future.

Thusly, went we forth.

James 315 believed in power. The strong thrive, and the weak perish. This is the most fundamental law of nature. My legitimacy, and the legitimacy of my alliance, is not defined by sycophantic praise. Month after month, year after year, the mighty Safety. alliance has more kills, more points, and more isk. We are indisputably the #1 alliance. That’s a fact. Unlike the roleplayers, we are not merely pretending. Unlike the autistic, we are not merely imitating. If James 315 were alive today, he would support us. More importantly, we don’t need him — and he would have respected that.

He wouldn’t have a choice.

BONUS CONTENT: Death of a gnome.

What a happy little newbro.

Wow, that’s great!

Death of a Miner, Part 2

Previously, Princess Emmylou bemoaned the death of a Procurer.

The decedent wondered whether Princess Aiko is truly a dumb b-word/c-word.

The Duke winced, because the truth hurt.

He finally realized that Aiko is an s-word, in real life.

She’s definitely a total s-word…

…and a tease!

The dead miner was caught in her magical web.

He was so excited to meet a woman, in a video game.

He felt like she was right there, mocking his little thing in real life.

Maybe she would text with him?

To be continued…

Death of a Miner

Highsec gankers are ruining EvE Online.

Everybody knows this.

However, CCP hides the facts.

Fortunately, Aiko Danuja tells the truth.

Duke Piecaulker was a typical newbro, who had only been playing a few years.

The Duke embraced death with stoic grace.

However, his employer had bad news.

This was the final straw.

Princess Emmylou was ready to let Duke go.

She is the Highsec mining main of a nullsec miner.

Unfortunately, while enjoying a family vacation, everything fell apart.

She impulsively wrote a sassy rebuttal to the mining inspector.

A few minutes later, Duke added his two cents.

It was the end of an era.

The Duke’s mining adventure ended in Tolle, where he started.

Ironically, he was quitting anyways.

Emmylou said goodbye to her friend employee.

Game over.

Super Toxic B

People are starting to notice.

I’m minerjamming.

It’s pretty great.

I’m like a sexy James 315, in Tama!

Same blue background, with a super cute face!

Xaxaxa)

Did you know I multibox multiple alpha accounts?

Oh ho ho.

This is the best.

Ain’t never gonna stop!

Miner Durishaka couldn’t get enough.

He didn’t know what to think.

EDITOR’S NOTE: What’s the point of streaming if you remove your clips?

Transcript, “Aiko is a super toxic b… with an army of simps!”

So he checked me out on Google.

Transcript, “Googling Princess Aiko, and the first result is sex with James 315…”

EDITOR’S NOTE: What’s the point of streaming if you remove your clips?

What a goofus!

That’s right!

That’s right!

Where’s Kalvin?

In ye olden times of yore, the Minerbumping channel was a place where good agents were summarily banned for trivial reasons, with no judicial recourse (other than praying to a dead guy, who quit undocking a decade ago). This happened, for example, when Salah felt Jerry Rin and karma balancer were being disrespectful.

From: Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri
Sent: 2018.02.12 09:33
To: [redacted] 

Hi friends,

I’m writing this little essay here because… issues with certain people, like karma balancer, who has an existential grudge against me for no apparent reason. I even have a recording of him calling me a piece of shit on Teamspeak and saying that all Russians must be bombed… As for mod rights, I’m all for redistributing them, but there has to be a set of guidelines…

Praise James!

Likewise, when Lewak became jealous of Aiko Danuja. Or when Super Perforator came down with a bad case of terminal autisms. It’s the sort of stuff that James 315 never wrote about, because he never knew about it.

Fortunately, the modern Why Was I Ganked? channel is a bastion of due process. We finally managed to redistribute the mod rights, by creating a new channel, and a new alliance, with new guidelines for a new New Order.

Woah there, Iceminer, let me just stop you right there.

Pay rent, on time each month, or get out of Highsec.

Do you want to wind up like Mick Barmata?

My fees are very reasonable!

Anyways… Miners have legal rights, under the auspices of the CODE. and your lawful High Queen Regent dispenses sweet justice according to her regal whim, whenever and however the Heroin decides. That’s only fair, right?

Recently, Kalvin Rothchild summoned his antiganking alt.

Kalvin paid 100 million to be unbanned, only to be rebanned!

It is my pleasure to clarify why Kalvin is rebanned.

Recently, a mysterious CODE.-Safety. taskforce went All-Out, apprehending Kalvin’s mining alt. I found this to be most pleasurable.

Kalvin’s Princess Aiko barbie doll promptly began crying.

This went on for quite some time.

On and on…

The logs are voluminous.

Kalvin, I’m gonna need another 100 million isk.

You done wrong, and I like money.

The Anti-Code

As we travel through time, deeper into the Jamespocalypse, we marvel at how things have changed. Just recently, we learned how the once mighty CODE. alliance was infiltrated by miners and antigankers. This came as no surprise, since James 315 is dead, and unable to govern his own alliance.

At first glance, Alani Prinz appears to be an incompetent ganker.

Code Genesis certainly looks legit, and it follows roleplay protocol, with an obligatory lucky shamrock and an abundance of stars.

However, Genesis harbors a dark secret.

This is a front for Highsec miners, masquerading as CODE. agents!

Alani Prinz hastily summoned her inner antiganker.

A true antiganker, with 0 damage on an empty pod!

Like most carebears, Alani suffers from paranoid delusions.

She fears those who enforce the CODE.

Alani knows she is not a legitimate agent.

She is just another goofus.

SMDH

What Happened?

Why, hello there, dear reader.

Once upon a time, the CODE. alliance was a mighty alliance.

One day, James 315 docked up, AFK forever.

The final challenge to his legacy was posed by gankbear roleplayers, who tried to convince everyone to leave the alliance. They called themselves CODE BLUE, and they rallied around has beens, never weres, and never will bees. Their leader is a nobody, who helped place more than a dozen killmails on the CODE. killboard, before quitting and vowing to never rejoin (because this would interfere with his Mussolini inspired plan, to establish a miner axis centered upon Dodixie Poinen).

[ 2017.03.24 21:55:30 ]
Hrothgar Nilsson > my great-grandfather is pure italian ancestry. Benito was his name.
Chemical brother > A lot of people in italy love Benito
Hrothgar Nilsson > Yes, because when there is a crisis, people often look to dictators to provide all the solutions. The New Order is people power, united behind the vision of James 315. James 315 is doing what Mussolini should have done.
Chemical brother > Italian history is very complicated…
Hrothgar Nilsson > The world needs to pay more attention to the history of Italy. Italy has been misjudged, misperceived, and had its character assassinated… So, I say, Viva Italia, and Via James 315 and the New Order!
Alt 00 > Kill: Lexxos (Mackinaw)

Hey retard, James 315 doesn’t like incel Wehraboo fascisti!

When Hrothgar heard James was retiring, he didn’t wait 48 hours. The rest of us were trying to keep the alliance running, and planning a nice funeral, but Hrothgar instantly created his own rival alliance. When the New Order was at its weakest and most vulnerable, Hrothgarlini tried to split the community. The shameless copycat even plagiarized the ticker JAMES. Some of us cared about the New Order, and we were disgusted. I offered Hrothgar ONE BILLION isk, if he would disband his fraudulent alliance, and rejoin the CODE. George went further, offering TEN BILLION isk. Hrothgar refused!

Like most gankbears, he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Nowadays, he only speaks through a beta orbiter.

“I’m loyal to James Hrothtard, GRRR CODE.” members include the guy who conspired to ban the entire CODE. alliance from the minerbumping channel (and then quit, only to return, and then quit again, and then return, and then quit again), and the guy who sent hundreds of agents to eternal damnation.

If he were still alive, James would be alarmed to know these desperate traders have united. Meanwhile, they have all begun crawling inside the ruins, after abandoning the CODE. years ago. Back in the day, some of them declared war on James, but now they sleep with his corpse! What are they doing? Actual avowed antigankers, living inside the tomb, and furiously masturbating perverting his legacy.

Ward vowed to destroy me, and James 315.

Imagine, antigankers hiding inside the CODE. alliance.

When James died, he knew they would try this. Therefore, he sent a psychic message to the oracle, Talas Dir, who left a sign for all time. The prophecy of Talas proves that Aiko Danuja was chosen by the Gods. Exactly one month before the Jamespocalypse, Talas foretold that James would vanish, and be replaced by Aiko.

James always understood the importance of clear, concise, communication.

In May 2020, only a dozen people knew that James intended to retire, abdicating to his unemployed kickboxing ex-girlfriend.

Salty boomers who weren’t even in the CODE. alliance, can probably understand that they were never part of the inner circle, and that is probably why James didn’t bother to tell them about his plans for the future.

It is Aiko, whom destiny favours, as the greatest ganker in galactic history.

It is Aiko, whom James recognized, as championettess of Halaima.

All Glory to the Ice BWitchPrincess!

 

Beepbeep, I’m a Jeep

Hello, dear reader.

I’m sure you’ve all been wondering.

How did I become so awesome and invincible?

Unfortunately, I have terrible news.

James 315 died, and that is so sad.

Loyal CODE. agents are docked up, AFK forever. That’s what Daddy wanted, to have gankers lined up in the mausoleum, entombed with his corpse.

As miners learn in crab school, whilst Ventures nibble the toes of Mike Azariah, James 315 was a godly man who just wanted carebears to maximize their isk/hr. When bots began driving down the price of Veldspar, he started an alliance to fight back. Furthermore, to prevent anarchy, he forced the rabblemongers of Hulkageddon and Jihadswarm to honor the holy permit. James would often pilot a magical Bowhead full of tanky Procurers, handing them out to all the good little miners. Alas, in the darkness, an evil lurked. A nasty little b witch conspired to poison James, and steal the CODE. for herself, and she formed an alliance with lowsec gankers… and other gankers.

I did do it, and I’m proud of myself.

Grrr hat Aiko, hat hat hat.

So now you know the TRUE true.

I can’t deny it any longer.

Yes, it is me, Princess Butter Cupcake.

I’m the greatest capsuleer in the history of EvE Online.

Bee well!

Buy a Retriever!

My name is Aiko Danuja.

I’m a Highsec gankerette.

Ever since James 315 ran off for a pack of cigarettes, and got ran over by a drunk semi at the truck stop, I’ve been struggling to find my way in EvE Online. All I want is to play the game, but I have to keep dealing with awkward declarations.

When James wrote this, he didn’t actually think he was victorious. What he thought, like so many before him, is that he was going to quit the game and facetiously declare victory. However, let me be clear. Quitters are not winners, they are lossers. Of course, I can understand why someone might quit, after playing for more than a decade. Unfortunately, roleplaying autists thought that this was a real victory, and they refused to undock. Indeed, if you truly believe James saved Highsec, then it is heretical to try and save Highsec. James already saved it, right?

This is not what victory looks like.

Someday I will quit EvE, and I will actually be victorious. In fact, I fully intend to declare victory before I quit, so I can lock in my winnings.

Meanwhile, we are not even close to victory.

The latest scandal is CCP’s decision to sell retrievers.

If he were alive, James would compose an eloquent monologue. Unfortunately, as a kickboxing widow, I’m not inclined to write essays. However, I want to emphasize one of the most compelling aspects of EvE Online. We have a market economy in which items are produced, distributed, and sold by players. This is hardly the first time that CCP has undermined that sacred pillar.

I understand why CCP wants to sell barges. I am sure that new players join the game, and aren’t sure how to get a ship. CCP just wants to give them a path into space. However, the correct solution is to improve the user interface. The correct solution is to improve the tutorial. Instead of fixing existing problems, CCP has taken a shortcut which offends the playerbase and undermines the economy. Of course, the sale of a retriever won’t destabilize the economy, but CCP should take heed that economies operate on faith. To quote John Maynard Keynes, “Markets can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent.” If players do not have faith, then the game will die.

I kill more miners than anybody else. According to zkillboard, I am the top retriever killer, and my alts claim second place, third place, fourth place, and fifth place. I don’t care if CCP adds a few more barges, because I’m going to shoot them all.

However, the problem with slippery slopes, is they are slippery. In World of Warships, you can buy a battleship – why not in EvE Online? What is to stop CCP from deciding, as Merkelchen observed, that capital ship production is too difficult to balance? Instead of the tedious task of trying to manage an economy, why not just sell titan warpacks? Why not just skip all the nonsense and cut straight to the chase? $100 for a zkill loot box, and we can get dank killmails without logging in?

I’m not on the CSM, and CCP won’t make me a Partner.

However, if anyone is listening, I will say this. There is a red line, and CCP has been across that line for a long time. They should not be selling tangible items, which might give an in-game advantage. CCP should not be selling gold ammo, gold ships, skill points, destroyers, or mining barges. Any attempt to do this will cause players to lose faith in the game, and they will see it as “pay to win”. The players will quit playing. I would encourage the developers to focus on the monetization of superficial vanity items. For example, I have no objection to luxury monocles, and cat ears are clearly desired.

However, if CCP continues to sell spaceships, they will inevitably destroy the very essence of the game. People play EvE because it is difficult, and they will stop playing if ships are available with the swipe of a credit card.

A Year of Aiko

Hello, friendos.

It’s been awhile, since James 315 died (in real life).

I remember our last night together, when he observed that the wine tasted rather odd, “With a hint of bitter almonds…”

Meanwhile, the alliance endured a cascade failure.

It was awkward, working with a dead CEO.

Would the community survive, or would we shatter?

Last Christmas, I couldn’t go on, knowing that grade A losers like Super Perforator and Hrothgar were preening themselves with the glory of actual PvP champions. Fortuitously, heroes like loyalanon, Wolf Soprano, Helicity Boson, and Trump the King praised me. I knew what they meant, the time had come to overthrow the old dead God, who left us to rot in the eternal hell of a stagnant alliance.

At long last, I did what had to be done.

The Conference Elite has always supported me.

To be honest, it’s not about James. It never was. The Sheik came long ago, with the blessings of karttoon and the VCBees. Hulkageddon was proclaimed, always! Such wisdom was known to James, and he never claimed otherwise. I’m sure he would understand, and agree, with everything I’ve done.

The CODE. alliance was created by miners, to sell barges and blasters.

Fucking yikes (nine years later).

Super Perforator, the trader, scammed the New Order. When I arrived, there were no Catalysts or modules in the hangars of New Order Logistics. There was nothing but cobwebs, and dusty memories.

James did not create the alliance, nor did he lead the alliance. He watched with dismay, as various pretenders flailed about aimlessly, treating the executorship like a trophy. Shenanigans ensued. Fortunately, John E Normus set things straight, transforming a PvRock roleplay alliance into a genuine PvP freight train. Alas, after loyalanon was banned, the alliance never recovered. In desperation, Kalorned gave James control of the alliance, but James wanted nothing to do with a dead alliance. So he summoned me, in 2018, trusting that an elven vampire Princess would know what to do.

Inspired by Sun Tzu and Thomas Jefferson, James believed that a Code should evolve, and worried that roleplaying gankbears would mindlessly enforce the law. What could be worse, than a bunch of sycophants praising ad nauseum — without undocking? James recognized the need for change, but there was one problem.

James died quite suddenly (and deliberately), because a dead libertarian wants nothing to do with a dead alliance. He had no desire to tell others what to do. They could stay, create a new alliance, whatever. Dead men don’t concern themselves with such matters. Whoever leads, they are the leader.  Of course, James had faith, in a lucky lady.

Some people have been hard on James, arguing that he failed to show leadership. He wouldn’t get in comms, accept conversation requests, engage in discussion, or do anything at all. However, that is not his fault. A dead man simply can’t.

Fortunately, we’ve got a better alliance — stronger and more active.

We can do anything we want.

Bee well.