Category: Grab Bag

Listening to: Lost in Lust

Seasons Greetings!

It’s been a LONG summer.

Well, mid-Juneteenth, and you know what that means.

That’s right.

I’m the best of the best.

Yesterday, we celebrated Aiko Day.

I was new player of the year 2018.

Guess who won the 2019 Jita Haiku contest?

Did you think I forgot my own origin story?

It was on this date, I accepted a sacred quest.

I am truly invincible.

Play cool games, get cool medals.

This one is priceless.

xD

Now I’m living the dream (again).

My work is glorious to behold.

I produce top tier content.

Even my enemies agree with me.

I destroy everything I can.

I even break gankers, reducing them to minerdom.

James accepts my judgment as tough, but fair.

Since then, I have continued a tradition of utter success, like my forefathers before me. Of course, I have my share of detractors, as did James 315. Many said he was just an old goonbear, drifting through Highsec like an AFK orca. It’s true, when he died, the CODE. alliance imploded! That’s what happens when a big star burns out.

I’ve enjoyed a bit of a reputation.

In those days, there were false prophets, pretending to be the heir of James 315. For example, literally one day after James died, a boomer (who previously quit after ganking a couple barges) came back and declared himself successor. He urged people to join a new alliance, and scammed a couple plebs from New Order Logistics (who removed their mining permits, betraying James and leaving the CODE. in order to worship a blue cut and paste). James was replaced so easily! Today, these antiagents continue to comingle with miners, fleeting and sleeping together. They don’t even blog!Another basketcase tried to do a coup on me, and that alcoholic crackhead was dunked straight out of the game, along with his best friends. I had fun and heard they lost a few trillion isk (frfrfr).

GF!

I always told them what’s up.

Such is the Jamespocalypse.

Some people get what they deserve.

Such gankbears are not meant to be.

It must suck to not exist, but consequences.

I’ve learned how to get by. I grew up listening to James 315, who always described me as a “lucky little lady”. He was a great history teacher, got me interested in worldweb blogging, and coached our girl’s soccer team to five consecutive state championships. James always said, a game without a red card is no game at all! Later, although we dated for awhile, it never worked out because he was dead. I never would have become a 3-time WKL kickboxing champion, without his profound influence and guidance. What a guy, thank you Barry, for everything you’ve done.

As a new player, I enrolled at Conoban University (Go Crusaders Go, Fight Fight Fight), watching in disgust as a Sigil mined an 0.9. I recall Youtube videos advertising the most effective AFK mission running, and a nice website offering bots with features including rudimentary communication via ingame chat. For example, if someone messaged you, then you could program the bot with a 50% chance of \o, 25% chance of o/, 10% chance of ?, and 15% chance of closing the convo after variable x seconds. The professionalism of the website was what bothered me (compared to comparable botting sites for other games), because this indicated real money was involved. Welcome to Bots Online!

When James wrote this, he was not writing you. He was writing me, across spacetime, anticipating our future together forever and ever. On that day, I went to Amarr, and found floating corpses on the undock, with bright red flashy pods committing suicide before me. Indeed, capsuleers were celebrating my glorious arrival! I soon met Anyanka Funk who became my friend and mentor, giving me all her isk and assets when she quit EvE to become a professional Fortnite dad. It was Anyanka who taught me the way of the Blood Raider. Space vampires have a rightful ingame roleplay duty to hunt and kill miners. That’s EvE Online, and it’s what the developers intended. Anyanka also showed me how miners automate their mining, warping back and forth even after their Venture is long dead. I thus found faith in one thing – all miners must die!

We all remember the time globby wrote James, on behalf of Miniluv, demanding Anyanka be kicked from the CODE. Well, where is globby now? I guess he found the strong leadership he so desperately needed. Isn’t there some fable, about the frogs and the stork? Many people believe this to be the greatest truth in the history of EvE Online. As I always say, if you come at the princess, you better not miss!

I began to feel EvE might be the game for me. Shortly thereafter, driven by fate and the curiosity to visit Jita, I discovered a fortizar in Niarja called minerbumping.com, and realized James 315 created an empire just for me! Thanks. I joined New Order Logistics, and found myself the only player in the entire CODE. alliance. As for the minerbumping fortizar, it inevitably died because the CODE. alliance was dead. Only a single roleplayer miner showed up to defend it. Those were the days!

James kept me company, while I invented ganking.

We often chilled in the empty minerbumping catacombs, browsing dusty old NOL pamphlets and checking out my pics Discord in Halaima. After some reflection, I declared myself loyal and true, not to James but to myself. Since he always hated roleplaying sycophants, James was most pleased, and encouraged me to keep ganking.

That’s right!

o7 capsuleer.