Category: Tears

Good Morning Kiddo!

Previously in James 315 Space… Elite New Order operatives went deep inside a notorious Highsec terrorist organization: Harmony Order. We all thought it was over, mission accomplished, but was it? Would EVE Online’s most ambitious Chinese communist truly stand down? Of course not. When your alliance is piloted like an AFK Orca, and suddenly collapses, it’s easy enough to pay CCP for a brand new alliance. Harmony Order was thus reformed, with a little more order.

With twenty ‘battalions’ of Absolute Order, the Absolute Honor alliance stands strong and ready to bring “casual PvE/PvP/Mining” to Highsec.

These are genuine space Maoists, and it’s not roleplay!

They seek to build a more democratic galaxy, centered upon one man, the glorious supreme protector, the Servitor of Highsec – Governor Lee.

He is incompetent.

To be continued…

kalo loses a Venture

Listening to: Melodic Techno Mix

Previously in James 315 Space… kalo kohan lost a Venture.

Afterwards, he got a letter.

kalo got beat by a girl!

He knows exactly what women need.

At first, kalo tried to reason with her.

Then he became angry.

That stupid girl!

Where is her man?

kalo struggled to express himself in any known language.

He just wants to see me again.

kalo feels so confused.

His feelings defy logic.

She seems to really like him…

…and kato is a waiting.

He loves his prinsesa.

What is he saying?

Surely, a true Princess would understand him?

What a wonderful lady!

I don’t think we need to translate that one.

Men!

I know they like me.

“Yet I urge you to be kind.”

Aw, he’s in love!

Isn’t that cute?

I know what he needs.

He needs me!

I hope he finds a nice mining girl.

 

Fuck! #2

Fuck! #1

I woke up, admiring my long legs, in a beam of Uedama sunlight. Jason Kusion poured me a nice cool glass of cucumber water, “Hello, beautiful!” Dolphin Don chimed in, “Good morning, Princess.” Krig added, “Hey, baby.” It was the start of another great day, but I wasn’t sure what to put in my awesome award-winning blog. I undocked in my beloved pink Catalyst, which has 3887 killmarks, and reclined in my premium pod goo. Finally, I checked my email, and realized exactly what I want to do.

This is some unknown indecipherable sub-dialect of… Cebuano?

Yes, beautiful Cebuano, the language of Vasaya.

I think I know what he means…

The poor fellow lost a Venture.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Primary is the Providence.

 

Shoot on landing.

 

 

Shameless

Listening to: Renegades of Funk

Back when I was just a secretary, I often felt overwhelmed. Everybody wanted to talk with James, and so they would write me. More than one person assumed that I am James, because perhaps James is a beautiful young woman (who just loves killing miners). I don’t know, friend, I suppose it might be true.

What does this mean for the blog? Well, I can’t capture every nuance. The queue of unposted stuff is growing, and I’ll never be able to tell the full story. Regardless, we all know how it ends. The mighty CODE. alliance just keeps winning daily, because there’s absolutely no stopping an invincible juggernaut.

If you are a miner, there’s one thing you should understand.  We are coming to kill you, all of you. If you pay us, right now, we just might indulge your little mining fetish. We could even adopt you, as some kind of cute cuckold pet. However, you have been warned. We won’t tolerate any more excuses. This is not the time for debate, or negotiation. You will surrender and submit, or the New Order will extirpate you.

Carebears lead new players astray. They convince them CODE. is a joke, and James is permabanned, gone off to play World of Warcraft with his hot kickboxing girlfriend. They insist that nobody in CODE. has a clue what we are doing, and we are just docked-up roleplayers who eat paint chips. When a miner learns the hard truth, they are often rather upset, and nothing close to calm.

I’m truly sorry about that, but it’s gonna get even worse for you. If you thought losing a barge was bad, just wait until you get into a bigger ship.

They are notorious liars, and cannot be trusted.

Do not suffer the miner. The only appropriate response is to blast them with neutrons, before they can establish a nest. When I wake up in the morning, and I see little Ventures scurrying about, I do what any self-respecting woman would do. I scream, and then I clean house. For some reason, goofuses seem to like this, believing that they gain some financial benefit from systematic extermination.

I intend to biomass the mining caste. I made this clear in my coronation speech. Some crabs claim they can’t understand, because their speakers are trash, or they are partially deaf, and just can’t hear me over the roaring crowd. Let me explain. I’m not doing this for isk, or roleplay. I’m doing it because miners disgust me.

Gobloks often threaten to overthrow me.

I am not concerned about that. Their pathetic self-preservation addiction is nauseating, but it is hardly a threat unto me.

When I’m done with them, they’ll be begging for James.

There’s no shame in quitting.

I’ll help them all.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t stop us now
We’re the renegades of this time and age
Since the VCBees and the days of Jihadswarm
Right down through the Hulkageddon
New Eden kept going through changes
From a different solar system, many many galaxies away
We are the force of another creation
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Now renegades are the people
They change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re the renegades, we’re the people
With our own philosophies
We change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re poppin’, sockin’, rockin’ puttin’ a side of hip-hop
Because where we’re goin’ there ain’t no stoppin’
We’re teachers of the funk
And not of empty popping

 

 

 

 

Stark Raving Mad, Part 7

Watch this AFK streamer get WRECKED!

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Listening to: The Plan

Previously, in James 315 Space… Princess Aiko was once an ordinary gankerette, with perfect breeding, impeccable charm, and endless Khanid wealth. Of course, the Jamespocalypse was nigh, and Aiko intended to supersede Helicity Boson as the Imperium’s Divine Keepstress of Hulks. Could the siren of Orcageddon survive one last challenge from the rebellious Highsec mining caste?

Each day, like clockwork, Lilliana returned to Audaerne.

Lilliana knew the truth. Aiko is a shameless hussie, who slept her way straight to the top. James 315 was thus seduced by Aiko’s vision of a New Order, rejecting Caldari corporate heresies and embracing the pious mercy of Khanid. However, could Lilliana defeat Aiko and seize the High Throne of Halaima for herself?

Lilliana’s alt VictorStark Stark sacrificed an Orca, in a vain attempt to impress James. Would the future of the mighty CODE. alliance rest upon the AFK leadership of gobloks, non-undockers, and super cringy roleplay carebears? Each and every day, the miners of SICO listened intently as Lilliana made her case, denouncing Aiko and boldly proclaiming herself to be the one true Saviourette.

Lilliana and Victor lost everything they had, including their dignity, but perhaps they could convince Aiko to quit EVE (again)? Some of the SICO bears supported Lilliana, urging Aiko to give them a hasty blowjob before uninstalling.

Inspired by Lilliana, every miner fantasized about how they might run the mighty CODE. alliance, if only James would support their candidacy.

Some prophesied the coming of a carebear messiah.

Others saw themselves as the promised ganking CEO.

Lilliana saw herself as the future of CODE.

She intended to bully Aiko straight out of the game.

However, Aiko has a lot of friends.

Were Aiko’s friends strong enough to endure Lilliana’s abuse?

Aiko had never experienced such discipline.

Perhaps, the Princess was willing to negotiate a truce?

If not, Lilliana would continue until downtime…

Would Lilliana ever calm down?

Finally, it was time for a permanent nap.

Lilliana’s former main, VictorStark, had been reduced to a mere assetless alt. He briefly chimed in, as Lilliana logged off.

The other miners watched sadly, as VictorStark faded from history.

***

BONUS: Do you know what’s going on in Uedama? The Reddit plebs aren’t sure, but perhaps you can chime in and let them know what’s up.

***

Yeah, ayy, uh
I gotta, I gotta, I gotta blap
Yo, yo, yo, ayy

I do this cause I can (yeah)
I just took care of my fam (ayy)
Thought this was always the plan (yeah)

You don’t understand (ayy)
Karttoon just opened the can
No fufu that’s not on my brand (ayy)
Call me when you need a hand (yeah)

Always scrutinized
Must have mixed us with a different group
Spot the truth or lies, I mean business but I’m not in suit and ties
Just been prophesized (yeah, uh)
This fell right into place (yeah)

Liquor and women, two things I don’t chase (uh)
Don’t got a minute to waste (yeah)
Mask off, I’m showing my face (yeah)
They hate so much, it’s a disgrace (uh)
I put ’em back into place (yeah)

Hall of Fame, Aiko’s a shoe in
Ten years, this has been brewing (ayy)
Number one spot, I’m pursuing (ayy)
Exclusive like “Who done let you in?”
Money talks, I speak it fluent

Pack, flip that, making quick stacks
Taking a quick trap nap (yeah)
I go all night and shit, ain’t gotta hide this
This hit’s a freestyle, I ain’t even write this
Thought that was always the plan (ayy)

There’s only one way, there’s only one option
There’s only one route to get there, you know?
And this got more and more digits than a license plate
Them nine-ten figures don’t make themselves, yadadamean?
You gotta get it! This was always the plan

 

 

 

Fuck!

I’m a little busy, because it’s springtime in Uedama.

You might think it’s easy to gank, blog, spy, dictate, negotiate, logisticate, fetch James another beer, and find the time to look so great. However, in reality, it’s all a bit much. Someday, I will not write a blog post. Someday, I will not gank. Someday, I will sleep, but that day is not today. Understandably, miners are often overwhelmed, when they realize that someone else has more isk, more friends, more charm, and more DPS. What can they do about it? Frankly, all they can do is [expletive] die (again).

“Write in Russian, I won’t read your fucking English”

OVERHEARD IN TEAMSPEAK

Jason Kusion, “That’s the gank I live for. Fucking tidi. Fucking Aiko, up there trolling on me. Haha. CONCORD was on grid. I thought faction police were gonna kill us all. It could have jumped but it just sat there. That was definitely one of my better performances.”
Holdmybeer, “Imagine that, flying a triple bulkheaded Ark. Nobody is gonna gank me. Oh wait, where the fuck am I?”
Tweeps, “What the fuck!?!”

Of course, friend

I don’t actually have to be in house, or in system, but you better watch out. I might not even look like me, ya know? I could be anywhere, or anyone, anytime at all. Sometimes people call me James 315, and I don’t disagree. I honestly can’t tell the difference. We are both sexy, smart, and utterly invincible.

THUND3RST0RM > Hello
Aiko Danuja > hi
THUND3RST0RM > I know that our Corps aren’t exactly friends, but I was wondering something.. You know BLACKFLAG. right?
Aiko Danuja > of course

I totally can’t keep track of all the emails, Discord messages, EVEmails, voicemails, Tweets, Slacks, forum @s, and private convos. I used to be a secretary, and now I need one. Regardless, THUND3RST0RM seemed like a nice young man, although it was alarming to hear that he doesn’t view me as a friend. Apparently, he knows some of my very good friends, who fly the BLACKFLAG.

THUND3RST0RM > Well, they will be attacking a station of our in 10 hours. Is there any chance you, or a few pilots from your corp would want to help us defend?
Aiko Danuja > you must pay in advance
THUND3RST0RM > How much
Aiko Danuja > 500 million

I like to help.

THUND3RST0RM > Thanks, but I think we will fight on our own
Aiko Danuja > Very well.
THUND3RST0RM > good day

I figured that was it, and resumed ganking Ventures. However, as the hours ticked by, he decided to renegotiate with his not a friend.

It seemed like a good deal.

Of course, I accepted.

I wonder if James wrote the CODE just for me. By the way, grumpy bears like to OCD, and try to tell me there is a difference between the Code of Halaima and the CODE. alliance. These same crabs pretend there is some fundamental distinction between the New Order and the alliance itself. As your official Saviourette, I beg to differ. It’s all the same. One law, one people, one fleet. We stand united, always!

When the time came, I was hunting battleships, so I couldn’t be bothered to divert my fleet halfway across the galaxy. I assumed my !friend would understand, but I kindly offered to lead his fleet via private convo. I wouldn’t want them to be demoralized, so I didn’t inform him the cavalry was never coming.

As FC, I ordered a direct frontal assault.

It seemed like a good plan, right?

Unfortunately, my not a friend was losing faith in me.

This was his undoing.

Fortunately, Allie Vaille believes in me.

As for my antifriend, he thinks I’m going to a non-existent hell.

 

Apparently, he also likes me a bit.

He thinks I have a cute laugh…

…but his friends want to bash my knee caps.

They don’t approve of our special relationship.

However, I have actual friends.

 

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 11

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously in James 315 Space… Rudokop Forever is a grumpy Soviet bear, and he put a curse on Adrian Vexier, praying to the Orthodox gods that Adrian would not only piss on himself, but would die of Wu flu whilst pissing. Meanwhile, someone else would also piss on Adrian, at the very moment of his passing, during which Adrian would (hopefully) be thinking of Rudokop. It was a horrific curse.

Each day, Adrian logged in to bump Rudokop, finding Rudokop ready and waiting to travel far away from ice and ore.

From time to time, Rudokop’s various alts attracted attention, and Adrian dutifully recycled their illegal farming tractors.

Everyone else was glad to see Adrian taking out the trash.

Rudokop’s alt, SIM Gallent, vowed to fill Arraron with garbage.

However, he suspected Adrian might enjoy shooting MTUs.

Instead, the Goofus decided to write a weird essay.

“This war is not peace. Dark mucus fills ether. Dead children do not touch the heart. Black Label all other religions! Sweet Life before the first siren, The first bombing, the real betrayal. Moment when suddenly showering wall And the cold will rush an arrow through his veins. Crosses cover live on the map. The path is only one – “The Road,” McCarthy said. 24 hours overnight fierce, When suddenly you will understand the essence of DOTS. And it will not matter what it was before the village, Suddenly unbearably want to believe. But the cry of hope will sink in the fire, No output in this thick veil. Higher forces are no longer heard. ONLY from living rats and mice, And just one mistake of nature, Burned from an overabundance of freedom, Favorites hatred instead of love, Which has taken in the guides of devil, The supreme creator think he is, Among plague fond of feasts, Restless, angry, empty, limits not knowing in search of paradise, Spitting into the sky and dissimilar, The face of humanity ugly face, Pathetic, brain nabikren, Vanity, greed, and sloth Godyna. Eternal night we ran out of day, If God exists, then we are his shadow. “

Subsequently, Rudokop summoned Faragon Tarinus.

Faragon Tarinus> Adrian Vexier I am not a beggar udevlyayus)))))))))) names CORP read moron went black band on your always even realeya))))))))
SIM Gallent>  This hole already down and out all the brains fucked
Faragon Tarinus> teach Russian language idiot I eolonizatorov spices ignoramus since english impurity))))
SIM Gallent> wait nedozhdus when obossut
Faragon Tarinus> weak, not the one who stole and who steals))))
Faragon Tarinus> so I always take to his proizvodstveneka Impe in the spoils of war this dirty th)))))
SIM Gallent> Yes, this two-faced scum know that I wrote when I vreki Salil says .. you hypocrite, you can not type steal and he wrecks my salish … I told him – not a sin to steal from a thief
Faragon Tarinus> Adrian Vexier here you Vasya)))))

Gallent congratulated himself for merely losing blingy drones, and was proud of his ‘ability’ to retain cheaper replacements.

SIM Gallent> This loser I have tried 10 times already my drones steal .. and only 1 in 10 get DEMON-loser) OH
Faragon Tarinus> LOL so that for me is not steep and the bottom of the zavisischeee materealnogo situation in real life and in the game))))

ALISA IVANOVA couldn’t handle any more, and she accused them of simultaneously crying whilst butchering the beautiful Russian language.

Faragon Tarinus> Victory: Tatara * is that you would understand that any military destroyed proizvodstvenika or miners lol there as they are always against the war uezvimy even peale, and not only in the games)))))
ALISA IVANOVA> Guys, good to whine like a girl. My daughter was crying less.
SIM Gallent> ALISA IVANOVA Go suck it maybe once you tell them so admired?
Faragon Tarinus> AUSA IVANOVA You are the deto itself if you do not understand the meaning of the conversation is not who does not ache just simply communicate))))
ALISA IVANOVA> SIM Galent ha … Do you even in Russian learn to write for a start))
Faragon Tarinus> Well uskolobye always pay attention to my error))) since they are not the meaning of words understand))))
ALSA IVANOVA> Faragon Tarinus a Papko you hike, the language scratching.
SIM Gallent> ALSA IVANOVA show my stupid mistake maromoyka !!!

Eventually, Rudokop realized he was going on a blog.

I think he might be a fan.

We Wish You the Best

Miners deserve their fate.

When I caught Sabbat Saint, with his hand in the cookie jar, I just couldn’t allow him to steal my ore. He was executed, in accordance with the law — my law.

Every now and again, crabs try to flex. They claim to have powerful friends in Highsec, proudly presenting someone else’s elite credentials.

Sabbat considered himself to be above the law, simply because he joined a Potato Alliance, which literally anyone can join.

Sabbat felt he was negotiating from a position of strength. Therefore, when we confronted him about his use of foul language in a family game, he paid no heed.

Little did he realize, Executive Potato Kalessi Kashada was watching.

Are PvE bears exempt from the law, simply because they know a ganker in Jita?

Sabbat Saint > i dont mine shit i dont mine…an ore in an iki who the fuck mines in an iki. i love that you call me a miner. what is that i dont know how to shoot rocks
Sabbat Saint > Aiko Danuja like my balls fuck yeah haha
Sabbat Saint > i love that your clit is the size of a button its a little rub me nub and that your a nice and quick shot no one wants to waste all day
Aiko Danuja > What does that even mean?
Zharayah Shardani > i think it means one pump chump
Sabbat Saint > and my balls are presented for you to have a lick. hard day of work
Miners-are-second-class citizen > very abusive sub species

I took out my pink highlighter…

…because that is no way to address a Princess!

This morning, Sabbat had an appointment with Human Resources.

The CEO made an executive decision.

Sabbat is a rotten potato.

He should watch his tone, when speaking with a Lady.

I’m ready for his apology, and 315 million isk.

This incident sparked renewed interest in the CODE, amongst various miners who try to relax within the potato patch. Concerns about being ganked led naturally to discussion of James 315, and his vision for the future of Highsec.

I certainly will!

 

 

 

Support and Encouragement

Usually, when we encounter a miner, he is sincerely apologetic.

It breaks my heart, to see destitute miners dwelling in misery. Therefore, I naturally try to ensure their ultimate success.

We all want the same thing, happy miners who rejoice at their good fortune.

Unfortunately, some gobloks are beyond saving.

Guybertini is one of the New Order’s most experienced space therapists, and he wanted to help Rais McKivit find clarity and peace.

Like most miners, Rais struggled with emotional turmoil. According to zkillboard, he hasn’t really done anything for six months, after losing three Rattlesnakes to NPC bots. When Rais saw Guybertini in local, he cried out for help.

Hidden inside a space station, desperately hoping for free counseling, Rais watched as Guybertini passed through the system. Unfortunately, Rais doesn’t have a mining permit, and I doubt it will ever be safe for him to undock. Sad!