Witchcraft – Page 17 – ‎James 315 Space

Deal Storm #3

Previously in James 315 Space…suki lost a Mackinaw, and paid 100 million isk to get it back. Maybe it exploded, but perhaps it dropped as a lootable item? Princess Aiko is a nice lady, so suki paid twice, and bought an Orca for another 100 million. He also paid 30 million plus 10 million plus 30 million. He did it again (and again).

Even antigankers stand in awe of me, and well they should. EVE is a game, like Monopoly. Except, when I visit your Boardwalk hotel, you will pay me for the privilege of my presence. Also, why don’t you hand over those blue cards, thank you!

Back when I invented isk quintupling, I understood the importance of a solid telemarketing script. Once you bring the client into a money funnel, you don’t want them to escape. I eventually realized you don’t need to return any isk at all. Just keep being honest, and calmly explain the terms and conditions. You will quintuple your money in no time! Suki owed me 100 million isk. He also owed 30 million isk for shipping and handling. Oops. I typoed. He actually owes me 40 million isk. Why did he only send 10 million more? Shipping and handling is 70 million, so he just needs to pay 30 million!

It’s ok to improvise and innovate. Jerry Rin might be dead and gone, forever and ever, but Aiko is here to save you. Just listen closely and understand. Shabba wabba doo wat do wat. 10 million? 30 million? 40 million? 50 million? 100 million? Just send me all your isk, just send it all to me, and I’ll spend it on myself.

Did you ever wonder how Aiko got so space rich?

I’m soooo good at EVE. I’ll let my assistant take over.

Oh boy, suki is about to get his Mackinaw and an Orca!

I even helped out antiganker Talivaldis.

Sometimes, I make it rain.

10 million isk for a mining permit? Haha, I think we can do a bit better.

Alas, poor suki was bankrupt – or was he just lying?

He paid Talivaldis twice, then he paid me thrice more.

I just need (another) 100 million!

We aren’t done suki. There’s no escaping the spider queen’s web!

I love to suck men dry, and they kinda enjoy it.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Newbro PartTimeJerk got dunked in his Venture. Three times, according to zKillboard. EVE would be boring without the CODE.

***

DOUBLE BONUS: I sure do love shooting bot Ventures!

Deal Storm #2

Previously in James 315 Space… suki storm lost a Mackinaw. In order to get a new Mackinaw, he paid 100 million isk to Princess Aiko. Rewind. Before paying 100 million, he paid another 100 million.

Aiko Danuja > hello miner
Kalorned > Hi!
suki storm > i’am not miner do’nt take the risk
No Bodiei > Aiko is drunk
Aiko Danuja > Suki, pay me 100 million isk or I will gank you again
suki storm > it was my first dit to minning since a moment i can do some mistake no ?
Aiko Danuja > I will destroy another miner ship, unless you pay me 100,000,000.
suki storm > i have no isk by you fault

He claimed to have no money, but miners are liars.

Aiko Danuja > Once you send the isk, I will send you a receipt as confirmation of payment. If you do not pay, I will not allow you to mine.
suki storm > i hav” just 4million in my account

Aiko Danuja > Good, now find another 96 million.
Buttercup Potemkin > hurry up miner
suki storm > if you continue to speak as this i go to be rebel
suki storm > you think you can destroy a kronos in few second ?
Aiko Danuja > i can kill a kronos easy
suki storm > with what you kill a kronos XD
suki storm > yeah it’s really my problem

He still needed to pay 100 million isk.

That’s 100 million, not 4 plus 96. He also needed to pay 30 million isk for shipping. Er, um, 40 million. No, I didn’t mean 30 million plus 10 million = 40 million. I meant 30 + 40 = 70 million. Hurry up, miner!

suki storm > your number is your power that’s all
Netheril X > Did I make you cum when you blew up my ship?
suki storm > i want just play i, peace
Elise Shomitzsu > No wonder no one likes this shit game.
No Bodiei > suki storm u have to pay for pillow talk
Aiko Danuja > Elise is just grumpy, because her mackinaw exploded.

So suki paid, and paid, and paid again (and again).

No Bodiei > you won’t see anything like this anywhere else in eve. Aiko is one of the great wonders of eve that should be seen on a grand tour

He also needed to tip the delivery driver.

It is customary to also tip the other driver.

The standard tip is 30 million. I mispoke, 40 million. That’s 70 million! Or 80?

If there is a third driver, you must tip again. Always! The fee is just 30 millon. I mean, 40 million, 70 million!

This is the art of the deal.

Shipping is free, but you have to pay the Uedama toll (again)!

It’s just 30 million. I mean, you owe 40. So 70, right?

Don’t forget about the other delivery driver!

Fortuna Avarice Cash > ruthless
Talivaldis > what a wonderous and joyful thing to behold the princess
Purgo > Amazing Aiko

To be continued…

Deal Storm

suki storm lost a Mackinaw.

I wanted to help.

I love to help.

Everybody wantsto help suki.

He just needs to pay…

So he paid…

…and he paid…

…and he paid.

It’s important to pay the entire fee, in full.

I’m really good at this.

I’m one of the best.

I always need more money.

I’m very good.

I am the best.

I’m a content creator.

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 91

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously in James 315 Space… Goonswarm has a new FC, the High Lord Sky Marshal avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka ‘lil Mittens, aka James 315 2.0, aka He Who Knocks Upon Stars. avia recently transcended space, time, and basic mechanics, learning to master the ultimate power of the galaxy. Rat bombs and rweaking ballquals exploded across nullsec, as avia developed increasingly powerful supperweapons, becoming the first capsuleer in history to proclaim himself Queen of the Rats.

Unfortunately, the power of a rat queen is too awesome to behold, and avia forbid Goonswarm to ever use this weapon of sheer terror and infinite destruction. Even if all of Delve were lost to the Horde, and the Horn of Gondor shattered asunder, only a fool would dare to summon the dread Leviathan Cthulhu.

Now that he possesssed infinite power, avia resumed taunting Pandemic Horde from the MinerBumping.com blog comments. As avia knew, MinerBumping was the center of the Imperium, and an ideal place to humiliate his enemies.

Pandemic Horde spies worked overtime to try and mislead avia, pretending that there was no war at all. However, the truth is now plain as day.

avia gloated over his foolish adversaries, revealing that the entire war has been just a mere training exercise for the Imperial Navy.

As Pandemic Horde writhed in misery, caught in avia’s web of training skank traps, he dutifully made another payment to fund the mighty swarm.

Now that bills were paid, it was time to issue new orders.

AGBee 001 was directed to make a leap frog attack. Meanwhile, lanceing fleet caused chaos, and cloaky wolves permanently blocked the road to Jita. In the rear, a line of rorquals firmly blocked Pandemic counterattacks.

With their frontline torn asunder, Pandemic Horde was sorely unprepared for phase II of the operation. Sleeper agents, hidden inside the Horde for years, suddenly awoke and volunteered for guard duty. These spies let dancing fleet slip deeper inside Horde’s inner nest, triggering awestruck confusion wherever they might cast their allure. In turn, this provided cover for logistics spies, who systematically photographed schedules, and placed grenades into the very cogs of Pandemic industry.

However, could avia survive a harsh Antarctic winter?

To be continued…

***

BONUS VIDEOS: Have you ever wondered what Ventures do after they get podded? Where do they go, what do they think about? Fortunately, McDubbzyTTV was streaming his own afterlife. Is this the start of a war?

Big Deal

Listening to: Indestructible

I’m kinda like a big deal.

“You fucked up whore”

“You shit jew sympathizer.”

In any culture, or language, they know I am.

“Well it’s fun to have a Donald Trumpette in EVE Online”

They understand what I want.

“fuck you shit”

They’ve studied my law.

“We have to respect the CODE…”

“…and better purchase a mining permit.”

They have it memorized.

They can sense what I need.

They love what I do.

They can’t get enough.

I love it too!

I’m gonna give it to them.

They’ll just keep coming back for more.

James told me to never stop.

He wants me to continue.

Always, means always.

I’m your Saviourette (yours, and yours).

It’s not roleplay.

I’m just so perfect in every way.

That’s why James gave Highsec to me.

The CODE. belongs to me now.

So I’m gonna finish the job.

Welcome to the future.

I’m invincible.

That’s right.

Another time
To carry the colors again
My motivation
An oath I’ve sworn to defend
My true vocation
And now my unfortunate friend
You will discover
A war you’re unable to win
I’ll have you know
That I’ve become
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I’m an indestructible master of war
I carry out my orders
With not a regret
A permanent reminder
Of how we began
No hesitation
When I am commanding the strike
You need to know
That you’re in for the fight of your life
You will be shown
How I’ve become
A terror to behold

Of course, friend

I don’t actually have to be in house, or in system, but you better watch out. I might not even look like me, ya know? I could be anywhere, or anyone, anytime at all. Sometimes people call me James 315, and I don’t disagree. I honestly can’t tell the difference. We are both sexy, smart, and utterly invincible.

THUND3RST0RM > Hello
Aiko Danuja > hi
THUND3RST0RM > I know that our Corps aren’t exactly friends, but I was wondering something.. You know BLACKFLAG. right?
Aiko Danuja > of course

I totally can’t keep track of all the emails, Discord messages, EVEmails, voicemails, Tweets, Slacks, forum @s, and private convos. I used to be a secretary, and now I need one. Regardless, THUND3RST0RM seemed like a nice young man, although it was alarming to hear that he doesn’t view me as a friend. Apparently, he knows some of my very good friends, who fly the BLACKFLAG.

THUND3RST0RM > Well, they will be attacking a station of our in 10 hours. Is there any chance you, or a few pilots from your corp would want to help us defend?
Aiko Danuja > you must pay in advance
THUND3RST0RM > How much
Aiko Danuja > 500 million

I like to help.

THUND3RST0RM > Thanks, but I think we will fight on our own
Aiko Danuja > Very well.
THUND3RST0RM > good day

I figured that was it, and resumed ganking Ventures. However, as the hours ticked by, he decided to renegotiate with his not a friend.

It seemed like a good deal.

Of course, I accepted.

I wonder if James wrote the CODE just for me. By the way, grumpy bears like to OCD, and try to tell me there is a difference between the Code of Halaima and the CODE. alliance. These same crabs pretend there is some fundamental distinction between the New Order and the alliance itself. As your official Saviourette, I beg to differ. It’s all the same. One law, one people, one fleet. We stand united, always!

When the time came, I was hunting battleships, so I couldn’t be bothered to divert my fleet halfway across the galaxy. I assumed my !friend would understand, but I kindly offered to lead his fleet via private convo. I wouldn’t want them to be demoralized, so I didn’t inform him the cavalry was never coming.

As FC, I ordered a direct frontal assault.

It seemed like a good plan, right?

Unfortunately, my not a friend was losing faith in me.

This was his undoing.

Fortunately, Allie Vaille believes in me.

As for my antifriend, he thinks I’m going to a non-existent hell.

Apparently, he also likes me a bit.

He thinks I have a cute laugh…

…but his friends want to bash my knee caps.

They don’t approve of our special relationship.

However, I have actual friends.

Rudokop Forever, Part 10

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James 315 Space... Rudokop Forever was trapped in Soviet hell, beset by spooky American space devils. They were always there, communicating via hyperspace, and hunting him down. His alts began to die, his drones disappeared, and his Orca was buffeted by things that go bump in the night.

Rudokop knew that human sacrifice would placate the demons…

Adrian Vexier was thus compelled by the power of prayer, leaving Rudokop to mine in peace, with a set of cheap drones. Of course, Adrian’s spaceship had a mind of its own, and began gently bumping into Rudokop’s orca.

Rudokop sensed weakness, and decided to take the offensive.

Restrained by BoB’s love, there was nothing Adrian could do.

Rudokop finally had the upper hand.

The next day, as they were leaving the Bleaklands, James was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his alts heard him say it.

On reaching Jita, James entered the naval yard and began driving out those who were buying and selling. He overturned the tables of the money doublers and those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to haul merchandise through the gates. When evening came, James and his alts went out of the spaceport. In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Currin remembered and said to James, “Hearken ye forth! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

Curses are powerful spells, which can reverse the course of history. Rudokop knew the time had come to employ this spiritual nuclear option.

He completed the curse with a quick chant, and Soviet runes.

Yea, and it was verily done.

To be continued…

***

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Rudokop Forever, Part 9

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space… Adrian Vexier upset Soviet goblok Rudokop Forever, who sent an alt to discretely warn Adrian’s alts.

Sim Gallent aspired to bothood.

What happened?

Everyone agreed, this was for the best…

…despite objections from Rudokop.

Alas, the Jamespocalypse fell upon Arraron, and Rudokop feared that ghastly creatures from EVE Online were spreading evil in reality. He finally understood who was bumping his Orca, it was none other than Erotica 1, the Devil himself!

Rudokop may be a Soviet miner, but he is also a pious orthodox Christian.

Or maybe, he is just a salty roleplayer?

Regardless, Adrian wanted him to be a happy miner.

Alas, Rudokop is perpetually upset.

Adrian just can’t stop winning.

Rudokop just can’t stop whining.

He will cry forever.

To be continued…

Rudokop Forever, Part 8

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously in James315.space… Adrian Vexier was seduced by the spider witch of Highsec. Consequently, he forsaked the antiganking community, transmorphing into a Russian hunting demon. Of course, the New Order logs and records absolutely everything (always), and there is naturally a video of the time that Rudokop Forever‘s alt SIM Gallent tried to trick Adrian. As faithful readers know, this didn’t work.

Afterward, Rudokop sulked, humiliated before a coven of demons.

He had faith, vengeance would come in the afterlife.

Local miners attempted to help Rudokop calm down.

However, he was beyond consolation.

Rudokop’s alt urged Adrian’s alt to betray his demonic leader.

Meanwhile, Rudokop cried as evil forces pushed him away from the ice and ore.

Alas, his favourite potato farm was haunted by space ghouls.

This was upsetting for him.

Rudokop’s alt foretold a dire prophecy. The demonic attacks would continue.

Indeed, Rudokop’s other alt was already doomed.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Miners pretend the CODE. is some kind of Veldspar mafia, imagining James 315 as a mobster and a goon. Now that James is dead as a door nail, it is important that we resist such vile slanders. Blake McAllister‘s artwork portrays James as he really was: a dapper business man, and a respected pillar of the community.

Old James is as dead as a door-nail. Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the galaxy’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that James is as dead as a door-nail.

The Best Revenge, Part 86

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, in James315.space… the High Lord of the Delve, Avia Naali, aka Aiva Naali, aka Fighterjets Guitarsolo 1000years, aka quantum, aka The Suppercomputer, was whisked away to his secret quarantine command post.

Although Agent Anvil, aka 140, aka the ‘lil bullet was under strict orders to maintain secrecy, he took distinct pleasure in reminding Pandemic Horde of his success, taunting them from Goonswarm’s elite counterintel blog.