Highsec News

The latest breaking Highsec news. Read all about it!

Miner Khatoum was eager to attract subscribers, and what could be more exciting than watching his spaceship explode? Khatoum was so shocked, his hand hovered in space for a long time. He wasn’t especially mad at Nitetime Video, but let lose a string of f-bombs when he heard about a c-word princess.

Here’s a mining joke:

Haha, very funny miners.

In other news, Brisc Rubal doubled down on being utterly obtuse. 

Hellokittyonline made a reasonable request. Did you know, suspects can be attacked by anyone and everyone? Wouldn’t the game be more fun, if suspects could form fleets, and work together with friends? Is there any reason that they must always be alone? I remember, a long time ago, I thought neutral logi support was the dumbest thing. However, I didn’t realize that logi also went suspect, and could be attacked and killed. So how is that unfair play? It sounds like a great way to generate fleet content in Highsec.

Since I killed kitty’s Phantasm, I’m a credible source in regard to whether his playstyle is ‘overpowered’. Without CONCORD protection, he is exposed and vulnerable. Why shouldn’t suspects utilize remote support, what’s wrong with that? If you attack a suspect, you should be prepared to fight their friends.

I can’t imagine a more asinine response. Just in case you aren’t clear on the rules of this game, the suspect cannot engage a target UNLESS the target shoots them. By definition, suspects are only engaging targets that fight back.

I don’t think Brisc cares about Highsec. Should CCP delete it?

Before long, Brisc began insisting suspect baiters “never” lose ships, and he even claimed that I have only lost two ships. Ever.

It’s ok to say stupid things, but come on Brisc… you just jumped the shark. 

Brisc insists suspect baiting is bullying and griefing, unfair plane which should be nerfed out of existence. It’s ‘overpowered’ when Krig Povelli has a lone Nergal, and offers to simultaneously duel every other player in the game. Meanwhile, Brisc led a taskforce of three Nergals and dozens of assault frigates, to dunk a hapless procurer. You tell me? Who is actually attacking ships that can’t shoot back? 

Brisc claims to be an expert on ganking. He knows we ‘never’ lose, and never take fights unless we are 100% sure to win.

I’ll tell you what, I’ve seen a lot of ganks go wrong. I don’t know what 315 would call it, when my Catalyst explodes, and miners are laughing. I call it defeat. In fact, I’m never sure I’ll be able to kill a Venture. It might have shields, it might be moving, it might have antiganking support, and there’s faction police and CONCORD. Also, Catalysts cost money, and most ganks result in a net loss. However, Brisc believes I’ve only lost two spaceships, and I never lose. I wish I was as good as Brisc believes.

I wanted to know where Brisc developed his intimate understanding of ganking. Here I am, just a lowly CODE. princess, but the great Brisc Rubal is lecturing me on the ganking mindset. What does he know? How? 

Brisc has participated in 21 ganks. Wow!

Here’s what MiniLuv had to say about his participation.

It’s cool to disagree, and even be totally wrong, but seriously. Sometimes, it’s ok to admit that you don’t know what you are talking about.

 

Corporal Jimbo

BREAKING NEWS

CCP Convict was recently cited for illegal mining.

Loyal citizens quickly reported him to the authorities.

Convict only pretends to be a lawful miner.

Bystanders watched uneasily, as Convict began digging unsafely.

 

 

Not surprisingly, Convict is a known criminal.

Several bears were concerned Convict might be a victim of cyberbullying. They urged him to move to safe nullsec, where everybody is polite, and nobody pays rent.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programme.

Cargo Bandit spotted an excessively laden over-dimensional Sigil.

The driver was predictably abusive.

 

Supposedly, what CCP meant by a game of EVE Online, is that everyone can undock and endlessly AFK as they acquire easy isk. Surely CCP desires a utopia of carebearism, a roleplaying game without any roleplay-police-terrorists. What do you think? Is the CODE. a greater concern than the Chinese xeno virus (aka Wu flu)?

Back at the station, officers listened as the defendant tried to justify his actions.

The charges were most serious, with grave consequences.

Count 1: Transport of illegal contraband, with intent to distribute.

Count 2: Failure to maintain an undock permit.

Count 3: Inappropriate conduct, unbecoming of a Highsec citizen.

To be continued…

 

 

TRUMP-2020

Yesterday, TRUMP-2020 went to the abandoned minerbumping channel. The lights were dimmed, with tarps over the furniture. Dust covered the once venerated Hall of Heroes, and the Great Catalyst was stripped of purple modules. Those sneaky agents… they moved, without leaving a forwarding address! 

Our friend soon arrived in the glorious Why Was I Ganked? channel, where she brought dire news. However, court was currently in session, so TRUMP-2020 waited as Princess Aiko and Daniel Konigar debated the legacy of James 315.

Eventually, Daniel fled in disgrace, but the debate continued via intermediary.

Finally, it was TRUMP-2020’s turn to address the Halama. There were audible gasps, as she announced a terrible happening.

Not only would CCP be changing TRUMP-2020’s legal name, but they would ensure the character was utterly unplayable. Rather than applying a usable name, which could be done automatically or by allowing TRUMP-2020 to select another name, she was doomed to become Caldari Citizen 2117948871.

Certainly, CCP has the legal right to censor content in their game, as they see fit. However, this legal right does not imply moral or ethical right. A policy of censorship, applied haphazardly, is no policy at all. It is irrational, and calls into question the intellectual integrity of the censors. Yes, of course, a video-game company has the right to decide that political references should be discouraged. However, the policy is enforced at random, with no opportunity for debate. Instead of communicating with players, CCP has outsourced the discussion to alcoholic nerds on the CSM.

None of these names were offensive. Trump2020 = ok. TRUMP-2020 = not ok?

The absurdity of CCP’s policy becomes increasingly apparent, as we investigate the kinds of names which are traditionally allowed.

Relatively speaking, TRUMP-2020 isn’t that offensive.

I’ve definitely seen worse names.

You’ve got to wonder who is in charge over at CCP.

Hello?

CREEPY PEDO NIGG = ok. TRUMP-2020 = not ok.

These are actual characters in EVE Online.

I don’t actually care what name someone uses, but seriously?

CCPlease.

 

 

We are killing it!

Every now and again, as the official Saviourette of the New Order, and High Queen Regent of Highsec, Princess Aiko wonders whether she is a good girl. Are we truly helping these poor miners, or are we just destroying their last barge, after they’ve already lost everything in real-life? Is it cruel to put them out of their misery?

Most carebears live in a nightmarish post-Soviet apocalyptic wasteland, where lights are constantly flickering, and they can barely stay logged in long enough to complete a single mining cycle. Is it wrong to euthanize them?

Of course, I am the heroin of Highsec. However, a few crabs believe I am evil, in real-life. They even use real-life cellphones to warn each other.

Most people see me as a fun sexy James 315, wearing a tiara whilst clubbing in Monaco. They watch me take shots of cranberry vodka, and adore my tight leather miniskirts. However, some conspiracy theorists claim that Aiko is a witch, spreading darkness throughout the galaxy. She might be cute, but she’s evil!

Yes, Aiko is a Princess, but she’s also one of those southern Italian stregas. A goomah with a villa in Naples, who goes on ‘business trips’ to Albania.

It’s ok to extort newbros in nullsec, but to do it in Highsec? Santo cielo!

Over on Facebook, there’s a lot of concern about what is happening. What will we do if all the Highsec miners quit, because of mean space bullies?

Apparently, we are killing it!

This is how it happens. An AFK miner returned to their computer, and realized they don’t enjoy EVE. Just like that, CCP lost another free to play ‘customer’.

It was one of those melodramatic Shakespearean deaths, where Fiona lingered on stage, slowly dying amidst the mockery of the audience.

Goodbye, Fiona. Thank you for your mining service.

I’m a winner!

Ciao!

 

 

 

 

Captain Bonkers

Miners aren’t the brightest…

…but they know who we are.

They know why we are coming…

…and they especially love to see me.

We are all just playing a game…

…and we aren’t gonna stop.

Recently, Captain Bonk lost a Venture. Oops!

After a quick investigation, we determined it was his own fault.

He seems to like me a lot.

What a friendly bot.

First things first.

Permits are required by law!

Captain Bonk writes a lot of great mails. I would get banned if I wrote such things, but Bonk is a miner, so he can write anything he wants.

What a classy miner.

I’m sure he’s a great person, in real-life!

 

 

 

          

Good Morning Kiddo!

Previously in James 315 Space… Elite New Order operatives went deep inside a notorious Highsec terrorist organization: Harmony Order. We all thought it was over, mission accomplished, but was it? Would EVE Online’s most ambitious Chinese communist truly stand down? Of course not. When your alliance is piloted like an AFK Orca, and suddenly collapses, it’s easy enough to pay CCP for a brand new alliance. Harmony Order was thus reformed, with a little more order.

With twenty ‘battalions’ of Absolute Order, the Absolute Honor alliance stands strong and ready to bring “casual PvE/PvP/Mining” to Highsec.

That’s right. These are genuine space Maoists, and it’s not roleplay!

They seek to build a more democratic galaxy, centered upon one man, the glorious supreme protector, the Servitor of Highsec – Governor Lee.

There’s just one small problem. He is shamelessly incompetent.

To be continued…

 

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #219

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #1
Highsec Miner Grab Bag #218

Oh boy, I love Grab Bag time.

It’s always fun.

Some miners like animals.

Some bears just don’t care.

They do, but they don’t.

Doblauks know what will happen, and they just accept it. Such miners are like Seligman’s dogs, exposed to prolonged electrical torture, and they will never escape their learned helplessness. They have become NPC bots.

Jean Mira‘s killboard is a museum of CODE. history. I’ve ganked him several times, and just about everybody dunked him.

Ah, the memories…

Some things just never change.

 I’ve always been super popular.

Hi!

I sincerely want to help.

I know what crabs want.

I’m a beautiful woman…

…and a true Princess, fair and just.

I’m also super hot…

…and soo cute.

James loves me so much.

Everybody loves me…

…and I love their attention…

…which they love to give.

 

I totally deserve a trophy, right?

I’m the best!

 

=FAKE NEWS ALERT=

Imperium News recently published a terrible article on ganking. Unfortunately, Jurius Doctor didn’t do his homework. I was there when Jurius watched a Bowhead die. He spoke with the miner, but didn’t talk to us? What a lazy journalist!

“When does griefing go too far and start hurting the livelihood and growth prospects of a game?”

I’m not going to waste time, with a point-by-point rebuttal of this inane article, but the author makes a lot of ignorant claims and erroneous assumptions. Did you know that ganking is just a roleplay outlet for rookie griefers? Did you know that mining permits aren’t necessary? Did you know that Goonswarm is way better at ganking, for some mysterious reason? Did you know that ‘Goonswarm’ has recently been able to muster large fleets, with more than ninety gankers? Jurius clearly has no idea what is going on.

“The reason for this is numbers… GSF is able to field ships in numbers.”

Jurius concludes that Goonswarm should seek to earn isk by ganking, but it’s too easy, so freighters should have twice as many hitpoints!

“Just EHP buff the shit out of haulers, transport vessels, and freighters…”

What a goofus! 

“…so that the markets don’t entirely buckle, while presenting a tougher nut to crack for those who want high-sec PVP.”

I interviewed the big strong alpha males, with whom I have an intimate relationship, and here is what they had to say about Jurius’ article. 

 

A hard knock

OFFICIAL NEW ORDER ANNOUNCEMENT

As your Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce a promo contest.

I would never want my actions to conflict with the infallible judgment of James 315, so I cleared this with him via seance, and the ouija planchette pointed at me. I suspected that Kroppina was manipulating the board, but Alt 00 saw it move autonomously. This demonstrates that James truly loves me. I also sat for three hours in a dark room, watching a candle, and it flickered when I whispered his name. Once again, this confirms beyond doubt, that I am the one true heiress to anything and everything.

With great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to officially endorse this contest. James wouldn’t want us to merely sit in station, docked up and praising his name ad nauseam. He always detested sycophants, who need him to authorize each and every decision. Nor is he satisfied with those who merely undock and gank. He expects us to be civil, creating art and culture, beyond the bare minimum. I know this, because we are intimately mind melded, forever and ever. Amen.

I agree wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no interest in EVE Online, but I have every interest in the Order. This galaxy was once ruled by a fickle demon, the cheater BoB. James killed this beast, and a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. In this way, the galaxy finally became interesting, and with the help of the VCBees (and a certain Khanid princess), James saved everyone from eternal boredom.

Once upon a time, Katia Sae decided to visit every star system, and took screenshots to document her journey. This sounds absolutely dreadful, mainly because Katia refused to engage in any actual gameplay. When other spaceships appeared, she would simply log out of her client, waiting for them to go away. In some cases, a stalemate would last weeks, and it took more than a decade for Katia to navigate her tiresome path. CCP likes to celebrate this ‘amazing’ journey, but it’s really just a testament to how incredibly boring EVE can be. Some players literally spend years doing nothing much.

Alani Prinz offers 315 Catalysts, to whomsoever submits the best photo. Since the rules are unclear, I will make them up as I please. Our contest will continue for at least one month, and there must be contestants. Images should be high resolution, and full screen. Furthermore, they must show someone doing something honorable, like piloting a Catalyst or dunking a Venture. As an example, Alani submitted this fine image.

***

Of course, a Saviourette’s work is never done.

Mrs Curtain is a plebeian of Hard Knocks, which rents several wormholes from me. When she accidentally fell out of her hole, Ernst kindly evicted her.

James would be proud, to know that Ernst is still out there, keeping Highsec safe from riffraff and vagrants. Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain did not appreciate his hard work. Instead of paying rent, she tried to scam him!

Ernst is no stranger to wormholes, and he sternly advised Mrs Curtain to speak with her feudal overlord. Educate yoself!

As you should know, Loroseco is a powerful friend in j-space.

If you ever get suspicious, that everyone in the galaxy is conspiring against you, well — they probably are (the exact same people).

Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain doubted the truth.

Someday, she will learn the hard way (again).

*WARNING*

Yonder day of judgment be nigh at hand!

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome to EVE

I’m not really sure how Vashda became stuck in my web, but I was summoned to Twitch, and found him reading with gusto.

Vashda seems to appreciate Princess Aiko.

 

He was impressed by my resume…

 

…and acknowledges the New Order as EVE Online’s most elite guild.

He sincerely values our glorious culture.

He understands our sassy attitude.

Vashda knows exactly what Princess Aiko wants.

Check out his stream, where he intends to continue livestreaming the blog.

They claim that we grief newbros, but with just one day in EVE, Vashda was proud to accept an offer to join my glorious alliance. I’m quite happy to save him from boredom, and once you go CODE, there is no other road.

I’m the best recruiter in CODE. history.

Meanwhile, my Why Was I Ganked? channel remains the galactic epicentre.

It’s a great place to make friends and practice typing.

Some miners struggle to make a good first impression.

Many of them are just happy to meet a nice Lady.

They are often surprised to die in Highsec.

Of course, I’m super scared of lowsec.

Just kidding, it’s a lot easier without CONCORD interference.

Sir Jecht was PvP’d before he even reached lowsec.

***

=BREAKING NEWS=

Purgo has announced another glorious victory. This esteemed agent of the New Order is the first person in history to confiscate an illegal sanguine harvester. These are so new, that killboard doesn’t even have a picture for them. It reminds me of how I was the first person to gank a Thunderchild. Regardless, CCP can feel free to continue adding pointless garbage, and we will take out the trash.

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #218

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #217

Some people think the purpose of this blog, is to showcase the tearful cries of Highsec miners. More accurately, this blog exists to tell the truth, and the facts are clear. A lot of people love the CODE. Of course they do!

I haven’t finished discussing the battle of Nalvula, but when I clarified that we have powerful friends in lowsec, nullsec, and spooky j-space… well, I wasn’t bluffing. It’s true, we are the most powerful coalition in the galaxy. You might be a crusty crab, mocking gankers, but that umbrella you depend on – those are CODE. titans, friend. Oh, did we not arrive in time? So sorry, you died! Seriously, how come nobody will help, when those nasty cloaky campers are hunting you? Hm. I wonder why? Well, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. James isn’t actually dead. He’s on his main, and a lot of alts.

While he is away, James wants me to domesticate the miners.

Indeed, they are desperate to please their queen regent.

I’ll allow it. I’ll even buy your stuff for free.

Of course, some gobloks seem upset about something.

“Fuck you, bastard! You yourself are bot!”

“You stupid bastard fuck you”

Bears love to communicate…

…although they aren’t very smart.

They think I’m cute, and love the official New Order hairstyle.

I like the attention.

I like my friends even more.

I enjoy killing dolbauks.

They are gross.

Let’s kill them all!

“I FUCK YOUR KIND, YOUR JAMES 315 FUCK DEAD ASCKES, YOU FUCKING CUM DIRTY DRESSFUCKING, ABOMINATION YOU ALL SUCK DUCK TV PUBLIC TOILETS You are a fucking filthy son, you are such a huya in life, they don’t take you on the panel, so go suck in public toilets there you belong hey you are a fucking nasty whore I’m not Ukrainian let them fuck your mouth, but I fucked your family, and everything that is connected with you with gross filth, a cocksucking whore went to the cost of a creature FUCKING SLUT THAT FUCK AND WILL FUCK ALL DIRTY ANIMALS, GO AND SELL YOUR HOLES FURTHER, I’M NOT A URANIAN, YOU ARE A FUCKING HOLY LOST CREATURE AND IN THIS, I AM SURE
FUCK YOU AND YOUR CORPORATION OF PIDARAS AND PROSTITUTES AND YOUR WHOLE SHIT ALLIANCE TOGETHER WITH THE MAIN SLUT JAMS WHO SUCKS EVERYBODY, FUCKING LOST SCROOM I FUCKED YOUR KIND”

Yet, I’m the one who gets warned?

BONUS VIDEO: Imagine being an antiganker!