Category: Videos

Lazar Ragar

Previously, we met Highsec miner Lazar us, who continues to struggle with the fact that EVE Online is more difficult than Fortnite. Unfortunately, although Lazar voluntarily broadcasts himself to the entire galaxy, he seems to consistently regret this (and winds up deleting all videos and clips). Luckily, someone took the effort to record a few clips, and someone else uploaded them to the galactic interwebs.

Thanks to everyone who creates and preserves  important moments in EVE history.

If you encounter such glorious moments in your own exciting space adventure, rest assured that Princess Aiko Danuja is here to ensure that your heroic story is not lost to the sands of time. Feel free to contact me (and send isk).

DISCLAIMER: Several whiteknights have contacted me with grave concern about the continuation of “toxic CODE. style ganking”, which they view as a form of “spacebully griefing” which is “illegal” and likely to cause “severe mental distress” for carebears. Rejoice, knowing that Princess Aiko will never hesitate to assist those who dedicate their lives to the mindless repetition of boring stale content.

If you find this objectionable, you may file complaints with James 315, who will respond just as soon as he feels like it.

Still Down Bad

Previously, we met Lazar us, an incompetent Highsec miner. We learned he is an infinite salt mine. Lazar deleted his videos, in which he began crying, and raged so hard he fell out of his chair.

I guess he doesn’t like me.

He is nauseated by my crying miner tattoo.

I don’t know why, other miners love my tattoo.

Lazar hates the CODE., even though he can’t spell it.

He is down bad, bros.

Meanwhile, his stream is becoming more popular.

Even high ranking carebears are watching.

On the forums, Lazar learned he is the victim of cybercrime.

While on hold with his ISP, Lazar read his chat.

He was not surprised to learn Aiko is a thot.

How could he defeat her simp army?

Meanwhile, Lazar and his friends continue to lose.

They tried to spin defeat into victory.

Before long, they decided to blackmail Aiko.

They have all her private photos and videos.

However, Aiko was not worried.

She already seduced one of Lazar’s miners.

So he started killing miners.

If you can’t beat them, join them!

Fortnite is Plebville

Fortnite is for plebs. In a world of blind poors, the one-eyed man is king. It was thus that Lazar us declared himself a ‘professional’, and decided to up his game. He downloaded EVE, started a corporation ‘squad’, and became a BILLIONAIRE Highsec miner. Someone stole his first Orca, but Lazar continued his space adventure.

Lazar was pleased to have so many new Twitch viewers, but was disturbed by the random ships bumping into him… and the “weird” Jackdaw, Firetail, Tengu, Buzzard, and various Catalysts following him from system to system.

Hiding his location didn’t seem to help.

Lazar was beginning to suspect that EVE is a PvP game.

Before long, his friend was gone.

Carebears whine and complain, claiming that we grief and bully newbros, but we did our best to show that EVE is a worthy challenge.

Lazar appreciated this, and began renouncing his “stupid” friend, making it clear that EVE is only for the most elite gamers. Unfortunately, he judged poorly, and accepted William Rageclaw (of minerbumping fame) as his personal white knight mentor. By the way, if you haven’t read my other blog, now is a good time. Anyways, Rageclaw advised Lazar to try PvE missions, with a predictable carebear result.

Afterward, Lazar’s capsule tried autopiloting to Jita, before returning to Amarr. He raged for hours, cursing anyone and everything (including Rageclaw).

I remember the moment I sat in lowsec, listening to creepy space music, and realizing that I didn’t have a friend in the galaxy. Lazar had this same epiphany in Highsec. His newbro bluster was gone, replaced by a thousand yard stare.

Yes, EVE is a battle royale PvP game, and everyone here is either going to kill you, enslave you, scam you, disappoint you… or seduce you.

He was surprised to learn that I’m a Princess.

Like most men, he soon hit me up on Twitter.

I know how to turn boys into men.

Lazar is finally ready to play EVE.

I wish him the best of luck!

Attention

When I log into EVE, people notice.

I always check for friendly greetings.

I’m happy to hear from locals.

Sometimes, we even have a nice conversation.

If you purchase a mining permit, you can enjoy this same attention.

evan mclean wears his permit with pride, in nullsec.

evan loves his permit.

Everybody loves me.

I’ve got the galaxy wrapped around my fingers.

Just obey the rules…

…there’s nothing to be confused about.

I’m the heroin of Highsec.

So let’s have fun!

We’ll find you…

…and you’ll love it.

Until next time…

Keep calm and carry on.

You might even be a winner!

Talking in Stations

Last night, Zaenis Desef was on Talking in Stations.

Matterall kept worrying about all the newbros who are permanently traumatized by Highsec ganking, but Zaenis did a good job of urging everybody to calm down and remember that this is just a video game.

Let’s check out some highlights from the chat!

Great segment!

BONUS: Afterward Zaenis streamed some Orca ganking, and you could hear Princess Aiko nagging him to fix his audio settings.

Niiice!

 

True Love

Jonathan knows that angels are real.

Like most miners, he suffers from Dunning-Kruger syndrome.

Jon is an IRL space peasant, with low life expectancy.

Believe it or not, there are more important things than sex.

Miners need to pay rent, taxes, penalties, surcharges, and protection fees.

Jon was glad his spaceship exploded. Now he had a reason to go shopping.

Meanwhile, other miners wandered through my Why Was I Ganked? channel.

Jon began to understand the nature of industrialized griefing.

He thus felt a desire to help, but had little to offer.

He was in love, and struggled with spelling.

To be continued…

BONUS CONTENT

Watch Foo-Foo the Snoo!

This salty miner has several outbursts. Someone is MAD (and AFK)!

Be sure to subscribe!

OH LOOK! ASSHOLES!

OH LOOK! ASSHOLES!

OH LOOK! ASSHOLES!

OH LOOK! ASSHOLES!

He claims to be a noob, but we know the truth!

OH LOOK! ASSHOLES!

 

 

 

February 19

HeranMan‘s great DDOS attack continues.

Yep, I’ve been shut down.

I think we can agree that miners are stupid drug addicts.

These people actually exist in real-life.

I dunno Clark, you might be a carebear.

That’s right, suicide ganking is an international war crime.

From a woman’s perspective, he seems kinda sexist.

He’s also a hypocrite.

Real men love Aiko.

That’s right.

Enjoy this video, as HateLess answers that old question, “Why Was I Ganked?” 

 

A Slow Death

Everybody agrees.

My new alliance is wonderful.

We love to help newbros.

We are there for you, every single day.

We provide guaranteed content, whenever you find time to log in.

Feel free to join us!

Just don’t cross me, boyos.

Some people call me a cyber space bully.

Honestly, it doesn’t end well for mine enemies.

Be careful!

Watch out for spider traps!

=BONUS VIDEO=

Watch this old man die, slowly.