Category: Always!

Congrats!

We are a nation of laws.

I’m the official Saviourette and designated heiress.

Those who have faith will be blessed.

Others will be cast into darkness.

We all mourned the death of minerbumping channel.

Super lame.

Fortunately, last year, there was a sign.

The oracle presented an uncomfortable truth.

Talas Dir was mocked for her prophecy, yet she knew…

The MinerBumping blog, cryptic as ever, gave subtle hints.


James 315 understood the New Order would survive.

However, obviously, there were political concerns.

Productive discourse was marred by tiresome theology. It became necessary to preface and terminate all messages with praise. 

The bureaucratic red tape was ridiculous.

Therefore, the litmus test (for autism) shifted. Instead of praising James, agents began mocking the roleplayers. That’s what James always wanted.

Gankbears questioned the constitutional mode of succession.

Today, I was unbanned from the minerbumping channel.

If James were still alive, he would be proud.

He would praise you, dear reader.

James, I’ll see you in Hek! You owe me $20.

Here’s a video of zigam killing HateLesS.

Quick Update

NEWS FLASH: Lazar us trolled us all hard. CORE. is down bad, lol! Lameao. Apparently, he was just pretending to be super emotional and angry, bhahaha, it was his plan all along. This was confirmed by his friend, who was prompted to state this was always the goal. Why not lose like 20 billion isk and spend another 40 billion on injectors, in order to troll us bad brah? xaxaxaxa, look at all the views! Chat pop off! )))

Coach got his big idea on Reddit, where they suggested that his best strategy would be to stick his head in the sand, double down on pretend not-caring, and hopefully the space bullies will get bored and go away.

This is honestly pretty good advice. If you just dock up, and never undock or communicate, we will eventually get bored of you. There’s a guy in Isanamo who has been sitting there for years. He never undocks, never talks. We usually ignore him.

I kind of doubt Coach can keep it down for long. Tonight, after he died a few times, he wound up crying and apparently sick (although he kept drinking Coca-Cola, which is great for nausea). Here’s a real pro-tip, just in case you think I want to grief dumb noobs. Let’s try to limit ourselves to a Venture, and just leave the Orca docked up for awhile. Ok? On the other hand, if you want to buy a Rorqual, well I know a guy…

Anyways, the good news is that we can no longer be accused of griefing or harassing Lazar. He has switched firmly to the whole “lol I trolled you all hard gotcha! i just act like a retard to have fun and get views, l0ll3rsk4tes@u” strategy, so according to this logic we are merely providing the content he desires.

It’s all just fun roleplay. Lazar wants to be known as a loot pinata who yells at people, and he does it for views, so tune in and enjoy the show!

Someone suggested Lazar should turn his stream over to me, and put me in charge. Clearly, I’ve done a pretty good job of getting him viewers, with the exact content his viewers crave, so he should probably make me his manager.

The most amusing part of the Reddit exchange was when Lazar tried to shame someone for “probably” working at an office or store. However, when someone else pointed out that he literally lives in his parent’s basement, wasting money on vanity Orcas, he suddenly felt such comments were totally out of line. Hypocrisy?

Lazar tends to delete all his clips, so the following will likely be deleted soon, but here’s a funny moment where he trolls us all hard with a bait Porpoise. Lol, he won that round. Haha, we got DUNKED. Watch it now, before it’s gone!

Here’s another moment, where he pretends to be sad, just to generate more views for his ‘professional’ streamer career.

Great acting, bro!

Weird. He said on stream that the plan from Day 1 was to troll us with salty bait, and yet on Reddit he said he wished that was the plan…

 

Another Glorious Post

I play an important role in EVE Online.

I help miners stay awake.

I let them feel the full futility of their foolishness.

I can tell they like attention.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

My new alliance is like CODE. but way better.

In the good old days, they roleplayed with miners.

James 315 wanted to teach noobs to maximize isk efficiency.

Fortunately, we’ve got new leadership.

We’ve got a new mission, a new interpretation of the Code.

So we are just gonna kill them.

All of them.

It’s more fun for everybody.

Highsec is a SAFE space for gankers.

Still Down Bad, No Cap!

Some accuse me of griefing and bullying poor Lazar us, but mostly I ignore him, because I’m busy ganking other morons. However, from time to time, I tune into his stream and wonder. Is it so hard to admit that AFK mining is a dumb idea, and stop trash talking literally everyone (including your own fleetmates)?

At this point, lazar, your best bet is to make a new character and never stream… because everybody in the galaxy is going to keep poking you.

Look, friend, I’m not sure if you can read. Regardless, you had a chance to be like Hukra Austral, but it’s a little late for that.

Your space lawyer is not helping your case.

Fortunately, I survived the ban poll.

The Intergalactic Summit has also rejected your plea.

The sheer hypocrisy, an Amarrian calling for freedom?

I’m a PROUD daughter of Khanid, Amen!

My favourite part of tonight’s space adventure was when someone joined your stream with the name Prazesico. Pretty cool!

I also liked watching you AFK mine in lowsec.

I guess we aren’t afraid of lowsec?

Surprise!

no title, dont care!

Don’t be a silly miner!

Just calm down.

If you want to AFK, just go to lowsec.

Either way, you’ll need a permit.

We have a sliding fee scale, for your convenience.

We even accept collateral.

Just pay what you can, thank you!

You can pay right now!

Hey, I just want you to be safe.

I want you to be happy.

So cheer up, miners, I’m here to help.

Everything will be ok.

Lazar us (again)

You might think, by now, we would be bored of Highsec miner Lazar us. Surely, we have something better to do? Many whiteknights have thus come to me, whinging that it’s unfair to bully this poor young miner, who just wants to mine AFK (literally) and autopilot while he is in the bathroom (not washing his hands).

My answer to them is this: EVE is a sandbox, if we don’t like AFK miners, then we have the inalienable right to establish a civilization which forbids AFK mining, and we may enforce our laws as we see fit. Lazar has been repeatedly invited to speak with us, and purchase a mining permit, and he has instead chosen to be a criminal. That’s his choice. It’s not what we wanted for him, but unfortunately we cannot make exceptions to the law. If you are yourself a streamer, please note that streamers are not exempt from the law – anything you say or do can and will be used against you.

People are getting better at documenting our effort to convince Lazar to treat EVE with more dignity than Farmville. Here’s a nice video where Lazar lectures us about ‘harassment’ (miner talk for ‘law enforcement’) and breaks his mom’s glass.

Later, he apparently broke his cellphone.

All this causes us to question his mental state.

Some speculate that Lazar is pretending to have mental deficiencies. I conclude, as his space psychologist, that this young man exhibits a learning disability known as Dunning-Kruger Syndrome. When someone suggested he learn to D-Scan, this overwhelmed him with feelings of incompetence. He wants to be the best, but he is not, and this generates psychological dissonance. Unfortunately, being a crybaby is not a free pass to talk shit and play terribly. I would encourage him to calm down, and send me isk.

If you are still unsure whether Lazar is hypersane, watch this.

Videos often disappear from the internet, but art is forever. With this in mind, zuzzik has commissioned the following.

 

Not bad!

Big Winnings

On his stream, CORE. hating miner Lazar us hosted a big giveaway, handing out 1000 PLEX to myself and other gankers. He also sent a videocard to Zigam. This didn’t surprise any of us, as Lazar’s only viewers are gankers.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
BREAKING NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The once mighty CODE. alliance was based in the Citadel, but lackluster enforcement barely extended beyond the hubs of Uedama and Halaima. Whilst CODE. sycophants celebrate their meaningless roleplay victory, I have led an offensive northeast, toward mutinous Usi. Enroute, I noticed something.

After eight years of so-called governance, CODE. only managed six kills in Auviken, an 0.8 with stiff CONCORD bot protection. However, with just one gank, the much mightier Safety. alliance might utterly eclipse CODE.

Done and done. Sentel Erkinnen’s barge was the seventh thousandth illegal vessel to face justice before Princess Aiko, and the destruction of his pod has ensured that our glorious alliance is ranked higher than CODE. Even now, sullen roleplayers are lowering the orange flag, as troops parade in honour of their Supreme Leaderette.

Some CODE. bears whine, “Aiko, why have you done this to the legacy of James? Have you no shame?” I say unto them, thusly, “Whilst ye were docked up in Poinen, metagaming badly and praising James ad nauseum, I was killing miners.”

As written in the Halaimas (3:15), “Beware of false agents, which come to you in flashy red, but inwardly they are ravening gankbears. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Not every one that saith, ‘Praise James! o7’, shall enter into the kingdom of Hek; but he that doeth the will of James who is permabanned forevermore. Many will say to me in that day of Jamespocalypse, ‘Aiko, Aiko, have we not prophesied in James’ name, and in His name have cast out miners, and in His name purchased many New Order shares?’ And I profess unto them, ‘James never liked you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.'”

If only James were still alive, he would rejoice and praise my name. He would be glad to know that someone has kept the CODE. safe, and he would not hesitate to send me 100 billion isk, because he loves me forever and ever and ever.

Good fight!

From the Aiko Files

As my level V file management system teeters on the brink of collapse, I look for inspiration in the tier III archives, which are intermingled with maps of Gaza and the West Bank. Without further ado, here’s a flashback straight out of the Aiko files.

simanos6989 was in trouble. His cargo manifest contained restricted evaporites, and he had no idea what they were, or why they were aboard his vessel.

simanos couldn’t explain himself.

Princess Aiko (just a mid-level bureaucrat in a stagnant dying alliance) rolled her eyes and admired her nails, whilst the miner struggled to provide an excuse.

Evaporite smuggling is a serious criminal offense.

The interrogation proceeded, according to protocol.

Aiko was frustrated. The laws of Halaima were weak, a pathetic formulation which only permitted her to gently slap the nasty miner’s dirty wrist.

Aiko’s fellow agents were equally dismayed, wondering whether it would ever be possible to achieve any semblance of law and order.

Aiko wondered if it might be possible to PvP miners out of existence.

They say, somewhere out there in the dark void, simanos89 continues to autopilot in a ghastly hauling ship. He travels from system to system, treating EVE like a science-fiction version of Euro Truck Simulator. James 315 may have given up altogether on achieving any success, but Aiko is not yet ready to surrender.