Happy Highsec

I know how to keep miners happy.

First, you shoot them.

Then, you have a conversation.

Usually, they cry.

Let them express their feelings.

Eventually, you can find common ground.

It’s not hard to figure out what miners want.

They need a friend.

For a bit of money, they can finally be happy.

Don’t let them scam you with a sob story.

Take their isk.

This gives them a sense of purpose.

They just want to belong.

They love it.

 

Congrats!

We are a nation of laws.

I’m the official Saviourette and designated heiress.

Those who have faith will be blessed.

Others will be cast into darkness.

We all mourned the death of minerbumping channel.

Super lame.

Fortunately, last year, there was a sign.

The oracle presented an uncomfortable truth.

Talas Dir was mocked for her prophecy, yet she knew…

The MinerBumping blog, cryptic as ever, gave subtle hints.


James 315 understood the New Order would survive.

However, obviously, there were political concerns.

Productive discourse was marred by tiresome theology. It became necessary to preface and terminate all messages with praise. 

The bureaucratic red tape was ridiculous.

Therefore, the litmus test (for autism) shifted. Instead of praising James, agents began mocking the roleplayers. That’s what James always wanted.

Gankbears questioned the constitutional mode of succession.

Today, I was unbanned from the minerbumping channel.

If James were still alive, he would be proud.

He would praise you, dear reader.

James, I’ll see you in Hek! You owe me $20.

Here’s a video of zigam killing HateLesS.

Another Glorious Post

I play an important role in EVE Online.

I help miners stay awake.

I let them feel the full futility of their foolishness.

I can tell they like attention.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

My new alliance is like CODE. but way better.

In the good old days, they roleplayed with miners.

James 315 wanted to teach noobs to maximize isk efficiency.

Fortunately, we’ve got new leadership.

We’ve got a new mission, a new interpretation of the Code.

So we are just gonna kill them.

All of them.

It’s more fun for everybody.

Highsec is a SAFE space for gankers.

Still Down Bad, No Cap!

Some accuse me of griefing and bullying poor Lazar us, but mostly I ignore him, because I’m busy ganking other morons. However, from time to time, I tune into his stream and wonder. Is it so hard to admit that AFK mining is a dumb idea, and stop trash talking literally everyone (including your own fleetmates)?

At this point, lazar, your best bet is to make a new character and never stream… because everybody in the galaxy is going to keep poking you.

Look, friend, I’m not sure if you can read. Regardless, you had a chance to be like Hukra Austral, but it’s a little late for that.

Your space lawyer is not helping your case.

Fortunately, I survived the ban poll.

The Intergalactic Summit has also rejected your plea.

The sheer hypocrisy, an Amarrian calling for freedom?

I’m a PROUD daughter of Khanid, Amen!

My favourite part of tonight’s space adventure was when someone joined your stream with the name Prazesico. Pretty cool!

I also liked watching you AFK mine in lowsec.

I guess we aren’t afraid of lowsec?

Surprise!

Just calm down

Miners often struggle to remain calm.

Don’t go out and mine, if you can’t afford the fine.

We are here to help.

ANT77 was having a particularly rough time.

Even CONCORD was ganking him!

Fortunately, he made a new friend.

A lot of miners are finding their home in Princess Aiko Hold My Hand.

It’s a safe place to mine.

We are even endorsed by EVE University.

Miners don’t always understand what is happening.

However, they are happy to belong.

Everybody loves to be part of a winning team.

Big Winnings

On his stream, CORE. hating miner Lazar us hosted a big giveaway, handing out 1000 PLEX to myself and other gankers. He also sent a videocard to Zigam. This didn’t surprise any of us, as Lazar’s only viewers are gankers.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
BREAKING NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The once mighty CODE. alliance was based in the Citadel, but lackluster enforcement barely extended beyond the hubs of Uedama and Halaima. Whilst CODE. sycophants celebrate their meaningless roleplay victory, I have led an offensive northeast, toward mutinous Usi. Enroute, I noticed something.

After eight years of so-called governance, CODE. only managed six kills in Auviken, an 0.8 with stiff CONCORD bot protection. However, with just one gank, the much mightier Safety. alliance might utterly eclipse CODE.

Done and done. Sentel Erkinnen’s barge was the seventh thousandth illegal vessel to face justice before Princess Aiko, and the destruction of his pod has ensured that our glorious alliance is ranked higher than CODE. Even now, sullen roleplayers are lowering the orange flag, as troops parade in honour of their Supreme Leaderette.

Some CODE. bears whine, “Aiko, why have you done this to the legacy of James? Have you no shame?” I say unto them, thusly, “Whilst ye were docked up in Poinen, metagaming badly and praising James ad nauseum, I was killing miners.”

As written in the Halaimas (3:15), “Beware of false agents, which come to you in flashy red, but inwardly they are ravening gankbears. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Not every one that saith, ‘Praise James! o7’, shall enter into the kingdom of Hek; but he that doeth the will of James who is permabanned forevermore. Many will say to me in that day of Jamespocalypse, ‘Aiko, Aiko, have we not prophesied in James’ name, and in His name have cast out miners, and in His name purchased many New Order shares?’ And I profess unto them, ‘James never liked you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.'”

If only James were still alive, he would rejoice and praise my name. He would be glad to know that someone has kept the CODE. safe, and he would not hesitate to send me 100 billion isk, because he loves me forever and ever and ever.

Good fight!

Aiko Always Aiko Always

Highsec is in good hands.

Miners can cry all they want.

I know exactly what they need.

Someone once said I’m the most spiteful woman ever.

The only thing that matters is this…

…a lot of miners are going to die.

I know you want my affection.

However, if you break the laws of Halaima…

…bad things will happen.

You won’t even understand how.

Bystanders will stare in awe, discussing your sad fate.

You will not be pleased.

So send me more isk.

Thanks!

Attention

When I log into EVE, people notice.

I always check for friendly greetings.

I’m happy to hear from locals.

Sometimes, we even have a nice conversation.

If you purchase a mining permit, you can enjoy this same attention.

evan mclean wears his permit with pride, in nullsec.

evan loves his permit.

Everybody loves me.

I’ve got the galaxy wrapped around my fingers.

Just obey the rules…

…there’s nothing to be confused about.

I’m the heroin of Highsec.

So let’s have fun!

We’ll find you…

…and you’ll love it.

Until next time…

Keep calm and carry on.

You might even be a winner!

Kelroth, Part 7

Kelroth, Part 1

Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Kelroth‘s new friends identified Brutus as the trader, so Kelroth fired his Bible-thumping security director. Seeking revenge, Brutus gave all his stuff to Princess Aiko. Afterward, Brutus became a galactic space preacher, teaching the citizens of New Eden about Jesus and the flat Earth.

Shortly thereafter, Kelroth went on a tirade against Lovin, in Amarr local.

Following several hours of continuous IRL death threat spam…

…Kelroth’s long life was cut short by carebear devs.

This was a perfect opportunity to seize control of his corporation.

Under new management, miners began to protest.

They claimed Mr Lovin, not Brutus, was the real Lovin spy.

It was a dark era for DarkStar.

Fortunately, Kelroth could still access one of his alts…

…until CCP noticed.

Kelroth’s only option was to create a new character entirely.

On Teamspeak, he explained his plan was to purchase back everything CCP had stolen from him. However, spies were lurking. Therefore, Kelroth declared that he would hereby appoint a new security director.

He couldn’t have made a better choice.

For safekeeping, Kelroth Toke deposited his remaining wealth with Lilath.

Sievert began to cry (again), because Kelorth gave him nothing.

Meanwhile, everyone believed that Sievert was the real Lovin!

Sievert tried his best to be a white knight.

Sievert was disturbed that Kelroth’s wife enjoyed sexual gang bondage.

Therefore, Sievert informed CCP that Aiko is a relentless seductress.

However, some believe that Sievert was just jealous.

What do you think?

Undoubtedly, CCP is taking the allegations very seriously.

Alas, Kelroth decided that he no longer wanted to hang out.

As for Aiko, she continues to work as a space marriage counselor.

The Best Revenge, Part 96

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Now then, dear Reader, where were we? It all began a long time ago, when a Highsec Orca got into a standoff with Kalooooronooed Kalorned. Before long, Tweeps and Princess Aiko and Dolphin Don hailed aiva naali as the Grand High Lord of the Delve. Indeed, The Mittani personally appointed aiva (now avia, aka ‘lil bullet, aka Gooninatius Reximus, aka He Who Knocks) as the lead abstract theorecraftitician of the entire Swarm. Yea, and did aiva avia solemnly prophesize the double trading of Vily, who did thusly conspire with the WHORE Elise Randolph.

With TEST reeling before his counteroffensive, the suppercomputer began playing nth+n+2th-dimensional chess, in hyperspace.

Meanwhile, in the secret Goon headquarters, Aiko and avia developed the Goon Bounty Board, as a means to ensure that unemployed drones were able to find suitable work to ensure the survival of the hive.

At every moment, avia is watching his Swarmlings, dutifully guiding them toward victory.

It was avia who snuffed out Snuffed Out.

It was avia who kept our FCs safely hidden away.

It was avia who taught James 315 how to minerbump.

It all started with a modest vow to utterly destroy Pandemic Horde.

It became the best revenge.

To be continued…