Official Home of the New Order of Highsec
Believe it or not, sometimes miners make mistakes.
Riddle Voldemort was surprised by the notorious EVE learning curve.
Like most haulers, he wanted to cram his eggs into a rickety basket, and derp about in safety. Unfortunately, EVE is more complicated than that.
Princess Aiko, as always, was eager to help.
Voldemort gladly accepted her assistance.
The clock was ticking…
He just wanted to get this over with.
Ridley was in a hurry.
To be continued…
The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78
Previously, in James 315 space… avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka ‘lil Suppercomputer, aka Speedier Gonzalez, aka the Mittani, was delighted to learn his director of strategic operations campaign was coming along perfectly, as planned.
As confirmation, he received his official DBCSC certification, which doubles as a ski pass during the biannual Goon retreat to Colorado Springs.
As Pandemic Horde line members will remember, cloaky protius infiltraters and spys caused havoc during the early stage of the war, all thanks to the brilliant leadership of Emperor avia. Of course, it was not easy fooling the carebears.
Utilizing advanced lag gunning technologies, within the conservative constraints of fiscal austerity, avia developed a cheap billion isk ‘biker fit’, with the ability to deploy tactical rat bombs. Everybody loves a good lag gunn.
As discussed in part 93, avia also established wormhole truckstops, to ensure effective intergalactic logistics. This was soon expanded into a comprehensive backup empire, henceforth referred to as the imerium.
Of course, the real struggle lay in high sec.
Advanced psyops techinques brainwashed miners into supporting CODE.
Meanwhile, everything depended on pushing from 45% to 55% as quickly as possible, passing through the “dangerous ten percent” and securing an inevitable victory after 56%. Listening carefully to avia, Aiko and Mittens thus agreed to halt their fleets at the 44% line, and prepare for the “BIG PUSH TO FIFTY SIX”.
Honestly, EVE Online can be a lot of fun!
To be continued…
From time to time, as Chief Safety Officer, it is my duty to make a Safety. announcement to ensure safe mining for all miners. That’s fair, right? Miners always beg for a warning, and this is the warning. You’ve been warned.
WARNING
Today’s Safety. announcement is brought to you by Zopiclone.
Thank you Zopi.
When you purchase unsafe items, we know.
Don’t you want to live, and see your grandchildren?
Safety violations are serious offenses.
Just think of us, as a less friendly version of the CODE.
Hell hath no fury like a female ganker.
We are like Germans, but sexy and competent.
This is not a negotiation.
Safety isn’t free.
Safety isn’t cheap.
Don’t be stiped.
Sigh…
Some people are winners, some people are losers.
I honestly have no idea.
Thanks miner!
Be well.
Previously, in James 315 space… The mighty CODE. alliance imploded overnight, catching antigankers, carebears, James 315, and Matterall completely off guard.
Subsequently, Princess Aiko declared victory. Highsec is now a safe space.
However, Aiti Jen Ichinumi had doubts.
When Aiko offered to sell Aiti a ‘safety pass’ for the low price of just 10 100 million isk, Aiti launched into a familiar diatribe against James. Who is that?
Aiti likes nice gankers, not mean space bully griefers.
He was delighted to learn of Aiko’s glorious victory over the CODE.
Like it or not, Aiko seems to be a natural communicator.
She sure knows how to make a man feel safe.
Safe for everyone, including Aiko’s antiganking friends.
It sure is nice to be friends with Aiko.
What a special little lady.
She’s the best.
Hail Aiko!
Previously, in James315.Space… Warrior McQueen lost his Mackinaw, and trusted the mighty CODE. alliance to provide him with a new mining ship. The price was right, and the shipping charge was very reasonable, so Warrior agreed to pay and pay. However, he was also feeling a little confused.
Why does the twinkly red star rise high in the night?
Warrior doesn’t understand economics. He’s just a miner.
Warrior was relieved to know his ship (and implants) would arrive soon.
Of course, there is a 30 million isk processing fee.
Warrior wondered whether the fee might actually be 40 or even 70 million.
A friendly hauler contacted Warrior privately, and let him know he could rent a Mastadon for 50 million isk, and avoid paying so many fees.
For some reason, Warrior felt Anaxagoras might be scamming him.
Therefore, Warrior asked to speak with a supervisor.
It was all a misunderstanding.
Oops, a typo.
Like most men, Warrior was starting to feel entitled and bossy.
He just needed to complete payment!
Warrior agreed, it was a fair deal.
No refunds!
Everybody loves my channel: Why Was I Ganked?
Uncle Pudge is a typical Highsec miner.
After losing his favourite shuttle, he was less than calm.
When asked why he used such vulgar language, Uncle Pudge made an announcement.
He was a glorious veteran of some sort.
Veterans get 10% off on Tuesdays, and extra special treatment online.
Pudge also applied for a senior citizen discount.
After his proud service in Company C, Uncle Pudge retired to EVE Online.
From behind his computer, Pudge is internet brave.
Apparently, he is still in dusty Fallujah.
Meanwhile, Serbian Gamer shows how a real man reacts when ganked.
Previously, in James 315 Space… Warrior McQueen lost his Mackinaw, and promptly ordered another one for 100 million isk. He also needed to pay 30 million isk, plus 10 million isk, plus 30 million. Afterward, he needed to pay 30 million, but he only had 4 million. Where would he find another 26 million?
Some people say that Princess Aiko is evil, in real-life. However, Aiko waited patiently, giving Warrior time to fundraise.
Warrior sniffled, and his miner brain began to whir.
That little wench already charged 30 40 70 million for delivery. So why was he being asked to pay Whadda Badasaz?
Well, that explains it! Typical space Wobblies…
Warrior was fed up with hidden charges, but the fee was non-refunable. Get it?
He gradually scraped together enough cash to pay the fee.
Warrior paid in full, and there was just one last thing…
It’s just a 30 million isk processing fee. That’s actually a discounted rate.
Oh wait, it looks like there has been some kind of misunderstanding.
Warrior had a question.
Can you guess the answer?
To be continued…
The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78
Previously, in James 315 Space… The long Antarctic winter cast frigid winds across the southern hemisphere, and the mighty High Lord Space Star avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka Australian Excellence, aka loyalanon, aka aka, was determined to survive long enough to seize control of the galaxy.
avia was concerned the Horde might attempt a winter offensive.
Meanwhile, Goonswarm’s elite Military Intelligence SIG reported otherwise.
Princess Aiko did not share avia’s concern, but he knew better. The vile double traitor Vily might, at any moment, decide to betray the Swarm.
Indeed, the strategic balance of power was shifting, exactly as avia planned.
Triumphant in his glory, the ‘lil bullet, aka 140, knew victory was in his grasp.
His terms are most merciful.
Pandemic Horde will be exiled to Highsec, and that whore Elise Randolph will be sentenced for life to Kamio IV belt 4, permanently confined in a mining Tarya. With these details settled, avia returned to the ongoing war.
Inspired by the tale of Globby, avia continued to produce new supperweapons.
The Suppercomputer also ordered the creation of a wormhole truck stop.
At times, it was necessary to address financial matters, and avia requested that his personal secretary, Princess Aiko, provide him with an official receipt.
Finally, she processed the requisite paperwork.
The Director Level Buyin Confirmation Security Card serves as High Lord avia’s official laminated ID badge, allowing top security clearance in all Goonswarm affiliated organizations (including the town of Pearl River). Furthermore, it doubles as an Ice Mountain Ski Pass, during the annual alliance trip to Colorado Springs.
To be continued…
wodger1, we barely even knew thee. Will there ever be a wodger2? Alas, your Elara fit Venture was not long for this galaxy.
wodger1 is (supposedly) dying in real-life, and he just wants to relax. As everyone knows, CCP has won awards from hospice centres, the American Cancer Society, and the National Health Service, which hail Highsec as the perfect place to die in real-life. What better for a dying grandparent, than to die in a Venture?
knuF aknaynA, formerly known as Anyanka Funk, is one of the greatest Thrasher pilots. When she saw wodger1, she had no idea he was dying of cancer (supposedly, maybe), nor did she realize he was hidden inside a lonely post-Apocalyptic bunker, desperately struggling to avoid Wu Flu and survive just one final tragic day. All she knew was that wodger1 didn’t have a mining permit, and he was actively engaged in ore theft.
wodger1 died (in game) and was teleported to a magical place, known as Why Was I Ganked? Here, miners are free to seek solace and comfort. Unfortunately, wodger1 had no desire for adventure. He only wanted to mine.
The words dropped like a bombshell. Wodger1 is sick and frail, desperately wanting to mine one last rock, before that permanent downtime. Of course, according to The Atlantic, people often fake cancer, to obtain sympathy. Huffington Post notes that some people are psychologically driven to pretend they have cancer, to gain advantage. Psychology Today published a warning, that false cancer claims are a common element of real-life scams. From London, BBC Radio reports an epidemic of healthy people, who pretend they are dying from cancer. However, in a game like EVE Online, where nobody ever tells a lie, surely we should give wodger1 special accommodation?
On the other hand, perhaps we should just play the game.
Alas, wodger1 decided to quit. He couldn’t mine peacefully, endlessly, without any challenge whatsoever. So guess what, he’s just gonna go die elsewhere.
I truly meant what I said. I sincerely hope wodger1 enjoyed EVE, and I believe he appreciates knowing that Princess Aiko is somewhere out there, making EVE slightly more stimulating than watching a screensaver.
As wodger1 prepared to uninstall, agents sought to ensure that wodger1’s legacy would live on through other AFK miners. Carebears were utterly appalled. How could evil CODE. agents act with such callous disregard for the life of a miner?
Personally, if my grandfather were dying, I would advise him not to install EVE Online. I would absolutely never suggest that anyone try and utilize the Rookie Help channel. So I don’t feel I did anything wrong. I was nothing but polite, and kindly informed wodger1 that I intend to eradicate the mining caste. If he doesn’t like that, he might prefer playing another game, such as Candy Crush, Farmville, or Minecraft.
Must we pretend that EVE is not a PvP game? I’m a semi-professional chess player, in real-life. I’ve played people who were dying of cancer. I’ve played people in wheelchairs, people who are blind, people who physically cannot move a chess piece. I’ve made little kids cry, with tears weeping down their sad faces. Did you know, they would be absolutely INSULTED if I gave them less than my best PvP?
I’ll say this. Carebears like Curve Ature could have helped wodger1, if they actually wanted. They could have offered to provide him with mining boosts, and given free ships and ore. The carebears could, if they want, create an entire corporation full of self-proclaimed invalids, and work overtime to keep everyone happy. I guess Curve didn’t want to actually do anything to help, he just wanted to virtue signal.
A lot of people claim the CODE. griefs new players, driving them from the game. However, when you look at the facts, this isn’t true. Any new player who wants to learn, will find we are far more helpful than crusty old crabs at EVE University. We will actually show you how to win, and we won’t refer you to some outdated wiki article. However, if all you want to do is AFK in the other room, while your mining alt accrues piddly amounts of passive income… well, we are going to exterminate you.
Before he passed on, wodger1 set me to “excellent standing” and sent a private message. wodger1 doesn’t dislike me, or the CODE. He just doesn’t want to mine anymore. Also, he never actually claimed he was dying. I think he’s just fine.
Good for him!
The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78
Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Space Lord High Supreme Star Excellency avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka 140, aka aiva naali, aka Megathronus Rex, was determined to ensure his place at the head of the Imperium’s mighty War Council. While Brisc Rubal and the Mittani talked in stations, avia took direct command of the fleets, to ensure the success and glory of Goonswarm.
Pandemic Horde was on the brink of utter annihilation, with the dance squad infiltrating past confused gate camps, and cloaky wolves nipping at the horde’s tenuous logistics. It was now early summer for most people, but avia found himself upside down, facing the approach of a harsh Antarctic winter…
Amidst a frigid blizzard, avia reflected upon the campaigns of Napoleon, paying particular attention to the advance upon Moskva in 1812. Just as Napoleon was betrayed by treacherous Germans, avia feared that the double traitor Vily might lead TEST upon Fortress Delve. Ah, but all this reflection gave avia a sudden burst of inspiration. What if he adopted Napoleon’s doctrine of the Grande Batterie?
Why stop there? Each nation has its own unique racial characteristics, and avia sought to organize Goonswarm according to natural tendencies.
Meanwhile, Princess Aiko took direct command of the anti-mining taskforce, and drew avia’s attention to the belts, from which Pandemic miners continued to pour minerals into the vast Horde assembly lines.
With his vast experience, this was precisely the kind of direct technical question which avia was well suited to address. He immediately resolved the problem.
The solution was simple enough. First, use a bump reflection to knock them away from their digg. Subsequently, kill all the rats! As Sun Tzu once observed, when a miner sees a digg without any rats, he is naturally loath to continue mining. However, what of the new nationalist doctrine? Was the fleet happy?
All was well, and everyone was delighted to join Heritage Fleet. avia smiled, and declared it was time for pod races!
As combat engineers returned to the Delve, and began work on the Circus Maximus, avia continued to innovate. With a stroke of sheer genius, he surpassed even Napoleon, creating the EVE equivalent of mobile horse artillery. Of course, range could be readily corrected by bumping battleships back and forth.
Meanwhile, weird things were happening, especially in Highsec.
avia was glad to have a new ally, because he was about to have a new enemy.
The Great Imperator let his foes know, he was aware of their plot.
Would that double traitor, Vily the Silly, heed this warning? More importantly, would Pandemic Horde be left utterly demoralized by a taunting?
The Great Mind War took place behind the scenes, a metagame confrontation between some of the most powerful players in EVE history. Of course, the result was a stunning success, as Pandemic Horde’s top strategist suddenly had a public meltdown.
avia was proud of his work.
It was nearly time to sound the Horn of Goondor!
