The Plague of Nakugard, Part 10

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 1

Previously on James315. Space… Alt 00 sought to protect the miners from their own self-inflicted pestilence, but the Chinese botting virus claimed a morbid toll. Alt systematically purged the system with neutron blasts, dissembling the virus before it could replicate, but would this be enough to save Nakugard? As unrepentant miners continued to resist best practice safeguards, Alt decided it was time to make an example.

As James 315 once observed, “Highsec miners are like a box of chocolates. You never really know what’s inside until you tear the box open.” Some miners are idon’tcare bears, and other miners are goofus bears, but Cassiopaia Fondana was a cringy crybear. According to zkill, she lost an estimated $0.54, enough to feed her entire village for a week. I recently got a breakfast taco for $1.50, and I can only imagine how I might feel if Alt 00 grabbed a third of it. Cassiopaia’s lip trembled.

As Cassiopaia stared in dismay at her half eaten ice cream cone, melting on the concrete and already attracting ants, she began to realize that she would never, never, be able to play with her retriever ever again. Oh dear, she might be able to buy another retriever, but it just wouldn’t be the same barge, and tears began to well up in her sensitive eyes. Goodbye fair retriever, goodbye old friend…

Cassiopaia dealt with the situation just as she might deal with a similar crisis in real life. She began to stomp her feet, and gesticulated with her flailing hands. It was precisely the example Alt 00 intended, as the other miners began to notice a commotion.

 

It was precisely at this moment that Alt 00 made a power play, demonstrating once and for all the almighty power of the Code, praise be unto James on High!
 

Cassiopaia knew she would never see her barge again, and her wailing became increasingly shrill. Fortunately, she was invited to the premier Why Was I Ganked? channel, where New Order agents were standing by to help her.

Meanwhile, Cassiopaia continued to rend her garments in Nakugard local…

Everyone in Nakugard could see what happens when you disobey the safety regulations of the New Order, and they watched in horror as Cassiopaia gnashed her teeth.

The hapless bot was soon reduced to mere repetition in all channels…

The other miners did not want to wind up like Cassiopaia, and agreed it would be best to dock up and respect the quarantine. It was, as they say, another happy ending for the New Order. The ice floated free, unmolested and untainted by the foul mining pestilence.

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 9

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 1

Previously on MinerBumping… Alt 00 exerted her supreme authority as Nakugard’s resident epidemiologist, enforcing a strict curfew and no fly zone. As always, she was supported by her trusty assistant, Alt 0. Unfortunately, several miners ignored the government advisory, and had to be put down for public safety.

As the miners were brought into the medical clinic for hygienic inspection, they were in awe of Alt 00’s beauty, and seized this opportunity to finally speak with a woman. As you might imagine, the miners were poorly socialized.

The infection was spreading rapidly, and Alt 00 feared the miners had little chance of recovery. When one aspirant was asked to prove he was not a bot, by purchasing a mining permit, the results were alarming. Alt 00’s medical notes describe the situation in clinical detail.

As Alt 00 was dealing with this goofus, another undocked…

The situation was continuing to deteriorate, and miners were dying like flies. Alt 00 summoned the local AFK council, urging them to stay inside their assigned quarantine stations. Indeed, it was for their own good. However, led by Coco Frost, the council was seduced by a desire for easy isk. It was much like the film Jaws, in which the protagonist struggles to clear a beach of parasites, while the local town council obsesses about tax revenue. How many would die before the council took action?

It was clear the miners could not be reasoned with. Therefore, it was time to make an example, showing that the mighty CODE. alliance would not and could not be ignored.

To be continued…

Kills of a Week

As we adjust our weekly cycle in accordance with the moons, we find ourselves contemplating a week which is vaguely defined between July 5 @ 00:00 EVEtime through July 11 @ 23:59 EVEtime…

Cosmina 1 was loading her Rhea in Jita, when everything went tits up, thanks to Firebush, Ayannae, Bob Mechanic, and Jayson Kusion. A lot of miners don’t respect our friends in Goonswarm, and I suggest those bots read the Code.

Some Chinese botters thought they could hide their Azbel, but they soon had visuals of Chicken Soup, Ms Ruby, Artio Celts, and SidtheKid100. Apparently CODE. actually does go into null sec, where they seem to do rather well.

T’dara read the preceding Kills of the Week, and realized that salvage marauders are no longer part of the meta. However, she still got dunked, by Eva Mavas, Shadow Redemption, Seamus Scrapmagnet, and Aiko Danuja.

Like most all miners, vorlextia just wanted to get rich the easy way. After taking an EVE University course on mining, she skittered off to Niarja and got dunked on by Pod-Goo RepoWoman and Aaaarrgg. I guess ORE Strip Miners aren’t that good at PvP.

characterID 95623671 took the same EVE University course, and decided to fit its Ore Strip Miners unto a Hulk. What could possibly go wrong? Hillbilly-2000, Just-Another-Code-Alt Auralis, and Daystalker 2020 were happy to help the bot uninstall.

nimbadhe didn’t trust banks, and decided to hide his isk inside a pod. He was surprised to encounter our outfit, getting blapped by Aaaarrgg. That name sounds really familiar.


BONUS CONTENT: Nor Relbats was recently mining in Jufvitte, when he encountered a New Order destroyer. He believed his Orca was safe, until suddenly he was confronted by a New Order battleship. Oops!



It appears Nor did not learn his lesson, nor was his artificial intelligence capable of adapting. Indeed, a few minutes later, his alt Ron Relbats had an identical experience. I guess Orcas aren’t safe in highsec? 


The Best Revenge, Part 78

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, on MinerBumping… 140 aka lil’ bullet aka GewnFührer Naali has been measuring his girth, for reasons which have absolutely no connection whatsoever to irregular rental payments rendered upon the official agents of James 315, Landlord of the Delve.

In a mysterious Discord, Princess Butter Cupcake has also been struggling to teach Agent Anvil, aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years, aka quantum, how to drive a car. This was done so that the Suppercomputer might obtain a real job and have a real life in a real country doing real adult things like delivering real pizzas (and maybe even working in a real coal mine).

Although his brain was capable of articulating the finer points of interdimensional mechanics, and the application of fluid dynamics in a direct drill approach through the epicenter of Fort Knox in order to assassinate [REDACTED], quantum often struggled with the subtle nuances of the Vehicular Ordinance Code. Fortunately, our CODE. social workers are eager to help. Always!

As quantum’s tutor attempted to teach the fundamental difference between x>500 and x≥500, the other bigger students saw a chance to butt in and grab a little extra credit for themselves. As you might imagine, quantum was not happy, watching helplessly as Tweeps awarded himself a gold star and began strutting around like a huge peacock.

It wasn’t fair! Tweeps took the gold star, and quantum was left with nothing. Indeed, many miners struggle when reality does not fit neatly into their preconceived theories. They desire the ice and ore, and imagine it flowing deep inside, but they never quite connect the dots. Instead, quantum decided to prematurely terminate his education, and skip straight ahead to fantasy empire building, within a fantasy spaceship game. Indeed, his fantasy was a fantasy within a fantasy.


Class was dismissed, and the invisible beehive stirred busily into action, as lanceing fleet buzzed merrily out of the keepstar. It seemed that all was well in the Imperium, but the reality was that Goonswarm teetered upon the brink of bankruptcy. Quantum contemplated various means to balance the budget. Perhaps expenses could be reduced, or maybe increased?


In lieu of a sudden financial miracle, the only possible solution would be to generate maximal science fiction and thereby devise a wholly new fantasy reality within the fantasy within the fantasy.

Verily, if Scientologists can have faith in Xenu, then the Imperium can have faith in Aiva.

To be continued…


BONUS CONTENT: During the previous post, I revealed the manner in which former fans continually pester the General Secretary, nagging ceaselessly about what they would do differently, if only they could do anything at all.  Whereas my post on Thursday was “too short”, the post on Friday was “too long”. If this sounds like an episode of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, then you understand perfectly.

Let’s put on our real talk hat for a moment. Ok, look, if long self-congratulatory essays about myself and my inevitable victory are not your cup of tea, then you might be searching for another Princess. I thus present to you Pink_PrincessXX, better known by her ingame name: La Sirena Octavius.

As you will see, even La Sirena is a fan of the blog, exhibiting a noticeable reaction when she discovers a “not dodgy… rabbit hole”:  DistinctFascistPenguinPhilosoraptor Zoom in on that face and watch closely. Wait for it… that’s right, you know she likes us.

La Sirena went on to audition for the role of authentic CODE. princess, and I have to acknowledge that she might make a valuable member of the Bonus Brigade:  CheerfulSplendidClintSpicyBoytoy I’ll catch you in highsec! La Sirena was thus enjoying her new friends, and whoops!  LitigiousBelovedRabbitFurry

If I didn’t know better, I’d imagine that somewhere in EVE all the elite PvPers are sitting in a secret chat channel and having conversations like this:

Aiko Danuja > theres a streamer in local: https://www.twitch.tv/pink_princessxx
Aiko Danuja > in the tristan
SilverFoX Katelo > ok thx

Eventually, it was time to go, and La Sirena had to admit the truth: RenownedAnnoyingDogeChefAnnFrank At least she isn’t wasting her time in a mining barge, and we hope she enjoyed the chatroom PvP!

Inb4, “You have too much bonus content.”

 

 

 

 

 

Kage Rage, Part II

Previously, on James 315.Space... kage1982 was reaping a bountiful harvest of CODE. salt. As the alliance archives began to overflow, one intrepid space secretary investigated the tumult in sunny Isanamo.

kage1982 > JAMES 315 CAN SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > 315 SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > 315 SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > DEATH TO THE CODE

kage1982 > I AM THE LAW

Krig Povelli > Sounds like he might be broke

kage1982 > GO FUCK YOUR SELF

Koiso Komatsu > such a goofus

kage1982 > NONSES

Since 2012, the mighty CODE. alliance has offered free spelling and composition coursework for illiterate miners, available for just three billion isk per hour. kage1982 was determined to master multisyllable words, and eagerly enrolled at our award-winning Isanamo campus.

Ernst Steinitz > Some miners never learn

MINERBITCH > leeson done lernt

Knowledgeminer > LOL that kage1982, he was still mad?

Ulianov > yes

Knowledgeminer > I cannot imagine how mad he must be

Ernst Steinitz > he blocked me

On occasion, Kage would participate in solitary spelling bees…

[ 2020.05.29 19:18:57 ] kage1982 > BABY
[ 2020.05.29 19:18:59 ] kage1982 > GO
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:00 ] kage1982 > ALL
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:02 ] kage1982 > NIGHT
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:09 ] kage1982 > SOMETIME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:12 ] kage1982 > ANYTIME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:15 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:16 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:18 ] kage1982 > SWEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:22 ] kage1982 > LITTLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:25 ] kage1982 > MISS
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:28 ] kage1982 > AH
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:31 ] kage1982 > INNOCENT
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:34 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:36 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:39 ] kage1982 > YEAH
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:40 ] kage1982 > YEHA
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:45 ] kage1982 > SO
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:51 ] kage1982 > CMON
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:53 ] kage1982 > TAKE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:54 ] kage1982 > A
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:57 ] kage1982 > BOTTLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:59 ] kage1982 > SHAKE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:00 ] kage1982 > IT
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:01 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:06 ] kage1982 > BREAK
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:07 ] kage1982 > THE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:09 ] kage1982 > BUBBLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:12 ] kage1982 > BREAK
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:13 ] kage1982 > IT
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:15 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:25 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:27 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:29 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:30 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:32 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:34 ] kage1982 > IN
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:35 ] kage1982 > THE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:37 ] kage1982 > NAME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:38 ] kage1982 > OF
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:41 ] kage1982 > LOVE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:43 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:44 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:45 ] Andross Kaelen > Kill: Diana Denisowna (Leopard)
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:46 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:51 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:54 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:57 ] kage1982 > CMON
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:01 ] kage1982 > FIRE
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:01 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:04 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:08 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:09 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:10 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:12 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:13 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:16 ] kage1982 > I
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:18 ] kage1982 > CANT
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:20 ] kage1982 > GET
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:25 ] kage1982 > ENOUGH
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:30 ] kage1982 > IM
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:31 ] kage1982 > HOT
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:33 ] kage1982 > STICKY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:35 ] kage1982 > SWEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:39 ] kage1982 > FROM
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:40 ] kage1982 > MY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:42 ] kage1982 > HEAD
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:43 ] kage1982 > DOWN
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:47 ] kage1982 > TO
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:50 ] kage1982 > MY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:51 ] kage1982 > FEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:25:11 ] Sexy Shower Time > You have a unique way of creating content

He would also practice his maths…

[ 2020.05.29 19:33:40 ] kage1982 > 1
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:40 ] kage1982 > 2
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:41 ] kage1982 > 3
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:42 ] kage1982 > 4
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:43 ] kage1982 > 5
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:44 ] kage1982 > 6
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:45 ] kage1982 > 7
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:46 ] kage1982 > 8
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:46 ] kage1982 > 9
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:48 ] kage1982 > 10

…and kage joined the campus choral club…

kage1982 > I CAN DO IT SO I WILL

kage1982 > IM ADDING CONTENT

kage1982 > I CAN DO IT SO I WILL

kage1982 > IM SAVING EVE THROUGH SONG

Krig Povelli > I would like to request “I’m Blue” by Eiffel 65

[ 2020.05.29 20:01:00 ] kage1982 > heres
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:01 ] kage1982 > the
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:03 ] kage1982 > story
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:05 ] kage1982 > about
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:06 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:07 ] kage1982 > little
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:09 ] kage1982 > guy
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:10 ] kage1982 > who
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:11 ] kage1982 > lives
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:12 ] kage1982 > in
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:13 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:15 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:16 ] kage1982 > world
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:19 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:20 ] kage1982 > all
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:21 ] kage1982 > day
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:22 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:25 ] kage1982 > all
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:27 ] kage1982 > night
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:29 ] kage1982 > everything
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:30 ] kage1982 > he
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:31 ] kage1982 > sees
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:33 ] kage1982 > is
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:34 ] kage1982 > just
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:36 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:38 ] kage1982 > like
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:43 ] kage1982 > him
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:45 ] kage1982 > inside
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:46 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:50 ] kage1982 > outside
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:53 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:55 ] kage1982 > his
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:58 ] kage1982 > house
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:00 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:03 ] kage1982 > his
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:05 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:07 ] kage1982 > window
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:09 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:09 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:11 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:15 ] kage1982 > corvette
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:22 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:40 ] kage1982 > every
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:42 ] kage1982 > thing
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:43 ] kage1982 > hje
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:46 ] kage1982 > sees
[ 2020.05.29 20:03:10 ] kage1982 > is
[ 2020.05.29 20:03:12 ] kage1982 > just

As I proceeded with my investigation of the Isanamo incident, it wasn’t yet clear whether kage1982 is a goofus, but I was beginning to discern a pattern. Without naming any names, I’ll just call this the Pearl River syndrome…

To be continued…


BONUS CONTENT: I was recently relaxing in the elite director’s only Omegle channel, where I was angrily confronted by one of our former fans. After a thoroughly autistic meta-analysis, they were shocked to discover that the previous blog post had been stepped on! Although the length was a respectable 712 words, fully 15% was copied and pasted from Jita local and the English Help channel. Yikes! Can you imagine snorting a line of your favourite blog, and then realizing that you are done for the day? Double yikes! This is precisely what Stephen King was concerned about when he wrote Misery. Don’t worry miner, just send a few billion isk to James 315, and I’ll get you some of the good stuff.


BONUS ENDORSEMENT: If you aren’t an ASL voice verified Marshal of the Old Guard, you might be wondering whether the Good News is true. Has the blog returned, to save us all again? Well, last night on the Twitch, an official space angel descended from the Heavens to speak unto Zaenis and unmute the Word. Full faith or no faith, always!

Praise James, cuz you ain’t that average groupie!

 

 

Kage Rage

As the official CODE. secretary, I recently discovered 150 megabytes of salt…

Kagemaru Ingano > New Year Lotto!!! Win your own Astero with only 5,28M to start your own explorations TODAY!!! 10more to go New Year Lotto!!! Win your own Astero with only 5,28M to start your own explorations TODAY!!! 10more to go

Kageoni Atumaru > HyperNet offer: Corelum C-Type 10MN Afterburner HyperNet offer: Coreli A-Type 5MN Microwarpdrive HyperNet offer: Coreli A-Type 1MN Afterburner

Kagemaru Ingano > New Year Eve Lotto : Win your own Gila with 35M only

When you search through the voluminous CODE. archives, you learn to despise Jita, which clogs the chat logs with endless trash. I was looking for kage1982, but he wasn’t in Jita, at least not on this day. I needed to refine my search.

I eventually found him with the wayback machine…

Channel Name: English Help

kage1982 > Hi guys i redeemed my Skill points for the log on rewards but instead of applying them its given me an item i cant use or move

That’s right friend, we are always listening – always! Now that we know what we are searching for, we can easily pick him out of a crowd, even in Jita.

Steelbreaker Onzo > HyperNet offer: Rattlesnake HyperNet offer: Large Skill Injector HyperNet offer: Panther HyperNet offer: Golem HyperNet offer: Paladin less than 4 mil per node!

kage1982 > Ernst Steinitz off to kill your mates instead

TARANTUL BEL > Предложение гиперсети: @@@@@@@@@@Republic Fleet Medium Shield Extender*

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Sobaseki
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Isanamo

Sometimes he appears like a faint echo, far too late to affect reality…

[ 2020.05.22 21:17:03 ] Ernst Steinitz > No Permit = No Ship
[ 2020.05.22 21:17:20 ] kage1982 > watch for code

Occasionally, he is triggered, exploding like a bomb… In other cases, he will just give you the silent treatment.

Kinch Dedalus > how much is a permit?

kage1982 > code a bunch of grown men who have very sad uninteresting real lives so the pretend to be some authority on here going round attackign miners and other random players all to cover the shortfallings of real life where they are sad pathetic loosers who dont matter

Kinch Dedalus > sounds like you didnt have a permit

kage1982 > i can give you deatailed instructons of where to shove your permit

Blitz Kishunuba > i suggest you read the code

kage1982 > i sugest you shove a sansha ship up your arse

kage1982 > honestly i recon these sad twats go around telling folk they are “pro gamers” when in fact they a low class dole scum

kage1982 > best way to haze code is block their toons

When Overmind logged in to praise me and check if he was even still in CODE., Kage was already there, attacking the confused ‘agent’ with unprecedented accuracy.

kage1982 > Overmind Niminen you just sit there and cower in your station

Meanwhile, kage infiltrated the MinerBumping channel, where he boldly announced that he wasn’t intimidated by CODE.’s fearsome reputation. 

zander kage > honestly though rare i bother with this toon but thought id drop by to let you know what shitbags you are

zander kage > go on all you like about ganks son not phasing me

Your Awesum Brutha > Calm down miner

zander kage > proper noob tears of salt

Ernst Steinitz > Please calm down miner

zander kage > i drink your salty tears

Sun-Tzu Rollard > he is a tough guy

zander kage > you seem mad

Your Awesum Brutha > are you interested in buying a permit?

zander kage > are you interested in stopping crying?

Faster Eddy > lol, another day, another angry illegal miner

zander kage > calm down

zander kage > calm your salty tears

zander kage > calm down you seem mad

In a galaxy full of CODE. Space Bullies, one man is always ready to dish out the salt.

zander kage > im guessing you have to play space bullies because daddy isnt proud of you

To be continued…

Bonus Content: Pix Severus has recently decided to continue his blog, MTU Hunter. Check it out! As you know, mining structures will often explode and shower bystanders with miner bits. Some people enjoy “treasure hunting on a galactic scale”, and this hobby is certainly more respectable than mining in Isanamo.

 

 

Miner, Don’t Beat Your Wife! – Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Rob-MMC’s wife was driving the family mining business into bankruptcy, and he needed 300 billion isk… fast!

ROB-MMC > The website is saying Im at a plex limit for today…..this is dumb…..aint yall the code……it wont let me buy more than the 500 plex i just bought…

ROB-MMC > I bought 2500 plexs and now they say i have to wait…..I thought you guys controlled the game……Can yall allow me to purchase more Plex as 300 bil ISK is not easy to get

Oxycon > Please bio mass all your characters

Rob’s bank didn’t trust him with money, and he began to feel desperate, contemplating a little illegal mining.

ROB-MMC > You cant mine in low or null sec as they kill you on site and say go back to hi sec…..so where the fuck do you mine…ha ha ha…..I really am trying to know

BillNye TheGankerGuy > karmafleet is recruiting

ROB-MMC > Lmmfao………Karmafleet they have killed me several times….they ran me from Amarr and Minmater space….they are mean as hell and hate everyone

ROB-MMC > Thsi was wayyy back in Oshiama………..I was happy here….but they just wanted war…….and they dropped my orcas like flyes…….ha ha ha…..so I moveed here and now yall at war as well…

ROB-MMC > When you ask to join they deny you…..its like high school

ROB-MMC > So people like me need a new game as this is a friends only game….see CCP needs to say that like only join if you have friends……so confusing

Dom Arkaral > something something make friends? git gud

It occurred to Rob that football players and cheerleaders were probably doing well in EVE, and meanwhile he was just a bitter jellybear.

ROB-MMC >  Ive lost 6 orcas I thought they was going for my orca, but hit my wife……..thanks alot….but still i just want to be safe in hi sec

mat Otsito > high sec is by far the most dangerous place

Rob’s sob story was pitiful, but he still owed 300’000’000’000 isk to James 315.

ROB-MMC > I cant afford that and cant buy the plex…so I should quit and go beat the fuck out my wife as she the cause and now I cant do shit on my off day but look at her…..Yeak slapping the shit out of her…..soon as i guess log off….yall hate me now and will kill on sight thanks for the info and I should have kept this game to myself as bitches ruin everything

mat Otsito > what?

ROB-MMC > ok ok……..fuck the other 2 accts, she omega and my son is alpha……..Ill delete them now……..Can I have my main released from this EVE ass courtroom……I wanna mine….I just told this bitch she will be a single homeless parent she touch my fucking eve game…….so can i please get back to mining

Sun-Tzu Rollard > are you admitting that you are account sharing?

ROB-MMC > Im on her account fuck yes….cause she caused this….i docked my main and he sitting there……..

Oxycon > ROB434 Mays I guess this is your main then

ROB-MMC > YESSSSSSS can you not block or red flag him please

The discovery of another ROB account revealed endless pain and heartbreak…

Rob was ready to kill his entire family…

ROB-MMC > But I have 3 computers ijn my house and only use one at a time….thats why its 3 accts not 1 acct and 2 alts
ROB-MMC > I play my way and they play theres
ROB-MMC > I can delete this acct now and my son shit can be gone as we;ll

If allowing the miner to vent his profanities toward me in local saves his wife or children one extra beating, that’s something I’ll gladly take. The miner has to take it out on somebody, and I’d rather it be me than some household full of children out there.

In his infinite wisdom, James 315 foresaw such depravity, and agents of the CODE are trained to intervene and assist troubled miners.

mat Otsito > can i have your stuff before you biomass
Oxycon > Are you having some sort of mental breakdown?
Lord Osama3rd Hita > lol
Dom Arkaral > ↑

The miner was relieved to find someone he could talk to…

ROB-MMC > I work 16 hr shift at work and I play this game everyday there and its my peace of mind…….and yes i am if i have to kill this bitch for ruining my game…..she be facebook, instagram…….all that stupid shit…but wanna fuck up my eve…she lucky im on her acct trying to save it and not kicking her ass til I feel better or find 300 bil in ISK

ROB-MMC > stupid ass girl…i wanna kill her

Dom Arkaral > uhm

ROB-MMC > I was enjoying my day,,,,,,and this goof ass girl and made enemies with yall and now she upfront looking stupid and all yall wanna kill me for her stupidity

BillNye TheGankerGuy > get some help

Dom Arkaral > just log off

Knowledgeminer > wtf

Rob’s audience was increasingly appalled by his toxic masculinity, but one veteran goofus piped up to express miner solidarity.

Kariza Yang > Honestly. I can relate. I’m a disabled combat vet and play to relax.

Miners disgust me.


BONUS CONTENT: Back in 2015, James 315 created the The Official Twitter Account for Minerbumping and the New Order of Highsec.For the past five years, he has retained this closely guarded communications channel, utilized by senior directors of The Conference Elite. Now that we are wholly victorious across all of New Eden, James has solemnly authorized this Twitter account as the official VOICE of Highsec. Praise be unto James, whence floweth all good things!

Miner, Don’t Beat Your Wife!

ROB-MMC > And when you say praise his name…like get on my knees and praise him the way i do Jesus Christ…….So Maje James 315 my Lord and praise him as my new GOD….Jesus is no longer my GOD.

mat Otsito > For those of us just logged in, what did this guy lose?

No, that’s not the right killmail… Ah, here we go!

After losing a Mackinaw, Rob’s wife lost her Retriever to Ulianov

GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > today you have been declared guilty and must redeem yourself… what a shame of fit, btw

Rob wasn’t very happy with this downward progress.

ROB-MMC > thats my wifes ship…….we always online together mining…..so Im confused and yall can have this game,,,,,wtf…why fit it with people like yall around….im not fucking stupid… Fuck the fit……..yall gone take it anyway….lol. I been learned that lesson

However, he would feel better if someone dunked his wife (again).

ROB-MMC > ROB-MMC’s Procurer Come gank this as my wife is flying that now Isikano III – Asteroid Belt 1

ROB-MMC > Its a much better fit as I told her not to fit it like that but she dont listen

He was getting all excited, just thinking about someone dunking upon his wife.

ROB-MMC > so if you hit her again…..that would be great as I love to see her upset…lol. The sex is amazing

GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > your wife is also a bot-aspirant

ROB-MMC > What does bot mean if Im a fucking human playing and so is my wife……I boost her with my orca and we both play…wtf

ROB-MMC > Tjis is her account and thanks for adding her to bad standings so you can kill her everyday now…….cool

Why was Rob on his wife’s account? T’was a mystery with no easy answers.

ROB-MMC > yall saying i broke laws and she probably did….my wife is an asshole….and she says what she wants….I google permits and CODE shit ad nothing came up,,,,so its either a scam or yall just dont like black players…im confused and just want to mine…but if thats not the case then she ruined my game and now ill find something else to play…..Yall won

MINERBITCH > It’s not against TOS to have multiple accounts, no need to use a blowup doll and another PC to multibox mining.

ROB-MMC > I dont understand……..so Im only allowed to have 1 acct. Then why did EVE send me an email saying you can have muultiple accounts……i would never have let my wife fuck me if i knew it was a lie and only 1 could be on eve at a time…..CCP lied to me and now Im punished….bullshit

One thing was clear, Rob is a typical highsec miner.

Oxycon > Ok, I will try and explain. You can have all the accounts you want, play them as you want, but you need a permit to mine in CODE. space.

ROB-MMC > Oh….ok…….so all 70k systems in hi sec are CODE’s

Lord Osama3rd Hita > Buy the permit… Otherwise, get the hell out…

ROB-MMC > I got 3 accts,,,,,,,,,but yall want 100 bil an acct who the hell has that

ROB-MMC > So now do i just quit or I have to join a low sec corp

If he couldn’t come up with 300 billion isk, he was going to be evicted. He prayed that the New Order has a welfare system which would accommodate his incompetence.

ROB-MMC > I really dont know how to play……….so where do i go as no where is safe and now Im a red target

Lord Osama3rd Hita > just have to figure it out yourself.

Blitz Kishunuba > I bought a permit and my quality of lifes never been better

Lord Osama3rd Hita > ^^^^^^^^

Oxycon > ^

MINERBITCH > I suggest not skilling towards exhumers

Oilrag > I like high sec suicide ganking.

Everyone took time to listen and offer sympathetic advice.

ROB-MMC > I can use my debit card and i got maybe 200 cash to spare that should be enough plex to buy 3 permits at 100 bil a piece….who do i pay

ROB-MMC > Now that I want to pay……..no one wants to tell me….wow

Oxycon > no one wants you to spend real money

Antiganking white knights often claim that the New Order is full of evil ruffian griefers and real-life criminals, but the reality is that nobody wanted to take advantage of Rob. Everybody just wants him to get some help, for his wife’s sake.

ROB-MMC > I enjoy this game and I love my wife but that bitch is not online as much as i am, and I love to play and mine….for real….so i can just buy all the plex in the world to enjoy the game….i aint invest all that time and training for a bitch to fuck it up……I am ready to pay whatever….just I need alot of Plex to cash in 300 bil……Im doing it now……

Kariza Yang > damn.. someone fucked up

ROB-MMC > I just to get back to mining…..dammit…this is not how i wanted to spend my off day……damn near wanna punch this bitch in the face….fucking pissed

Rob was getting angrier and angrier, just thinking about how much his wife had already lost, and now he needed to come up with 300 billion isk!

To be continued…


BONUS CONTENT: Our good friend Zaenis Desef made an awesome Kills of the Week video. A lot of miners have been asking how they can identify an official CODE. government press release, and I refer them to the words of our Saviour, which are verily filled with gold and dripping with luscious sweet honey, “A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore, by their fruits, ye shall know them.” Clearly, everyone should subscribe to Desef’s fruitful channel and learn to make 50 million isk, nice!

Kills of the Week

A lot of people have been wondering, if this is an authentic blog, then where are the kills of the week? Well, here are some kills that happened between one point of time, and another arbitrary moment, over the course of approximately a week.

 

Lapsh dared to show his fat face in Jita, and he got dunked by CheytanElRagim, Jayden Kusion, and Amallea (along with a few of their good friends). That’s just another red line in Silent Company’s long killboard history…

 

NO COL was flying her salvage Golem in Piekura, where she got told NO by Gankzter McGankFace, Ivanna GanksChu, and GankzPewPew. Great job!

 

Likewise, Macus Irrelium was commanding his salvage Paladin in Avyuh, when he had a ruh roh with Shadow Fireball, Void Delivery Service, and Evil Marxist. Well done, and thanks for the free salvage!

 

TieLight was operating his Aeode ORE Mackinaw in Luminaire, when he got deleted by Ulianov and Shilliam Watner. Awesome work!

 

Biggy Din put a blingy tier II warpcore stabilizer on his ORE Hulk in Kaunokka, but he got destabilized by Pod-Goo RepoWoman and Aaaarrgg. Here’s a pro-tip: If you are AFK, you won’t be able to warp away.

 

popetown thought she was safe in the null tutorial zone, where she got snuffed out  by MIC Improvise, Codeysatfa, and SidtheKid100. Next time, she should try farming in an empty wormhole.

 

ChostDog was surprised to lose his 2.5 billion isk Vargur in Apanake, where he got obliterated by Whadda Badasaz, Shadow Cyrilus, Seamus Scrapmagnet, and Shadow Defiance. That High-grade Crystal Omega sure was expensive… but what does it do?



As queen regent of the galaxy, many miners have been coming to me with their concerns and questions. Most recently, Martin Lockheart was crying because he claimed a ‘funeral procession’ as his excuse to smuggle a war fleet through our high-security zone in Molea. Our friends in Hell Dawn were there to offer their condolences, but LeiLong Pong noticed something suspicious about the ‘hearse’.

That’s right, it didn’t even have a mining permit.

Martin appealed directly to my sentimental nature, stating that the ‘funeral’ was for a beloved miner: binette evingod. I checked to see if she was naughty or nice.

I’m sorry, but bots don’t get funerals.

When you go to hell, expect Hell Dawn.

A New Blog, for a New Order, Part 2

Miners have been celebrating the apparent demise of our beloved MinerBumping. Indeed, it is the end of an era. For the first time in nearly a decade, they have begun imagining a Highsec without the invisible hand of James 315. Has the Father of the New Order finally logged out forever? Have the miners won?

Of course, this is nothing new. Soothsayers have been predicting the disappearance of their Saviour since time immemorial.


However, this time, it feels different. With the conclusion of MinerBumping, rumors and speculation run rampant. Some miners insist the Imperium has cancelled the embargo of Dodixie, and ice freighters claim free transit through Uedama. Others claim there is a new blog, and even a new James, or is it the anti-James? What are we to believe? Who can we trust?


Recently, Jesus has been grappling with these very questions, and the moderators of Rookie Help have been forced to relax their censorship, so new players may fully digest the momentous changes which are coming down the pipeline. Meanwhile, antiganking carebears have descended upon the vulnerable MinerBumping channel, spreading toxic heresies.
 

Jesus, if you are listening, I want you to know that I am here for you. You may call me the old James, the new James, or no James at all. Some miners speak of a trinity, formed by James the Father, the joyous spirit of the AGBees, and a not so mysterious third party. Regardless, the shareholders have enshrined our Code as a constitutional law, which ensures a peaceful transition from one blog to the next. Rest assured, my dear CodeAnons, we will leave no miner behind.

In Grab Bag #212, the Lord Protector spake thusly:

These Goofuses don’t even understand how government works.

Now, I know what you are wondering. As the miners have bent the knee, accepting the auspices of civilization, just what kind of government have we established? I tell you this, friend, it is a republic – if you can keep it. With the cherished democratic principles of the shareholders, and the voice of the people represented by the Code, I have supreme confidence in the future of our great democratic people’s republic.

Our first order of business is clear enough. We must ensure that the miners do not relapse, forgetting their most gracious master, who has set them free from the shackles of bot aspirancy. The freedom to exist also implies the freedom to fail daily, and many miners are already taking advantage of this opportunity. Some believe their deliverance is at hand, talking about the mighty CODE. alliance in the past tense, as if we no longer existed. 

The miners may be confused, but we know the solemn truth. Our historic revolution may be complete, but we have already begun our second great revolution. Indeed, it is our humble duty to export this unceasing revolution throughout the galaxy, and safeguard it against the counter-revolutionary rantings of the miners and their carebear brethren.

Without MinerBumping to guide them, many miners have already begun relapsing, endlessly reliving painful memories of their awkward adolescence. Naturally, these simpletons are convinced our glorious victory has  no discernible impact upon their wretched lives.

A few sillies, sensing the disappearance of Minerbumping’s omnipresent gaze, have begun openly confessing to grotesque crimes.

The most foolish have naively concluded that this is their time to shine, and are dizzy with delusional ‘success’. 


Indeed, a lot of miners have been celebrating, and it’s been one long Juneteenth. Fortunately, the shareholders are ready for a new era of renewed success, ensuring that our benevolent governance of Highsec will not be undermined by those who reject the Code.

Can you imagine? The sheer audacity of this rebel, pretending that he doesn’t even know what a permit is for.

Ah, but he knows… The antiganker may not realize he is failing daily, but he most assuredly understands what the permit is for.

It is, of course, for him.