Fortnite is Plebville

Fortnite is for plebs. In a world of blind poors, the one-eyed man is king. It was thus that Lazar us declared himself a ‘professional’, and decided to up his game. He downloaded EVE, started a corporation ‘squad’, and became a BILLIONAIRE Highsec miner. Someone stole his first Orca, but Lazar continued his space adventure.

Lazar was pleased to have so many new Twitch viewers, but was disturbed by the random ships bumping into him… and the “weird” Jackdaw, Firetail, Tengu, Buzzard, and various Catalysts following him from system to system.

Hiding his location didn’t seem to help.

Lazar was beginning to suspect that EVE is a PvP game.

Before long, his friend was gone.

Carebears whine and complain, claiming that we grief and bully newbros, but we did our best to show that EVE is a worthy challenge.

Lazar appreciated this, and began renouncing his “stupid” friend, making it clear that EVE is only for the most elite gamers. Unfortunately, he judged poorly, and accepted William Rageclaw (of minerbumping fame) as his personal white knight mentor. By the way, if you haven’t read my other blog, now is a good time. Anyways, Rageclaw advised Lazar to try PvE missions, with a predictable carebear result.

Afterward, Lazar’s capsule tried autopiloting to Jita, before returning to Amarr. He raged for hours, cursing anyone and everything (including Rageclaw).

I remember the moment I sat in lowsec, listening to creepy space music, and realizing that I didn’t have a friend in the galaxy. Lazar had this same epiphany in Highsec. His newbro bluster was gone, replaced by a thousand yard stare.

Yes, EVE is a battle royale PvP game, and everyone here is either going to kill you, enslave you, scam you, disappoint you… or seduce you.

He was surprised to learn that I’m a Princess.

Like most men, he soon hit me up on Twitter.

I know how to turn boys into men.

Lazar is finally ready to play EVE.

I wish him the best of luck!

Pandemic Blues

Our elite nullsec forces continue to dominate the Expanse.

Mick Jee was frustrated when Panbears couldn’t wouldn’t properly fit their barges.

Tarkay Utrigas wondered how his fellow miners could be so poor.

Truthfully, we have infiltrated the Horde, at the highest levels.

Their intel channels are utterly worthless.

However, mining foreman Scorching Bagel Twice has no time to defend his fleet.

Consequently, some miners have capitulated, paying tribute unto their Highsec overlords.

It’s our little secret.

They dared us to go to null, and so here we are.

I’m just a girl, but I’ve got a lot of boyfriends.

So just watch what you say.

Someone might be right next to you, in your corp and in your fleet.

I can be a little mean.

Some guys kinda like that!

Travels

I’ve been learning how to govern the galaxy.

I’m starting to get the hang of it.

Recently, I went on a tour of my extensive holdings in Piak.

Local miners immediately began to moan.

Afterward, I reviewed my vast holdings in Oipo.

Eventually, I encountered the village idiots.

They had some concerns about my playstyle.

They apparently think I’m a terrorist princess.

Why haven’t I been banned?

I think it’s because CCP likes me.

I’m pretty goshdarn awesome!

I’ll see you around!

Uedama Today

Welcome to Uedama.

It’s a great place to hang out with friends.

It’s like going to the club.

There’s only one problem.

Your ship might explode…

So come on over, and check it out.

Everybody is here!

You might even be a winner!

Are you feeling LUCKY?

Newbro haulers are especially welcome.

We’ll be waiting for you!

Kelroth, Part 3

Listening to: Tyrant

Kelroth, Part 1

Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Sievert Solutions was a salty antiganker crybaby Mormon. He took to the forums, warning New Eden about the rise of a powerful new force. Whilst other antigankers celebrated the slow decline of the CODE. alliance, Sievert knew that something wicked this way comes.

Everyone concluded this was just the ranting of a Highsec carebear, but deep in the subterranean archives of the New Order Historical Origin Society (NOHOS), the story of Kelroth is preserved as a pivotal moment in galactic history.

The New Year began with dire omens, for the Jamespocalypse was nigh. Elite Amarr ganker Lovin Jr was surprised to find an Enforcer loaded with skill injectors, and even more surprised to encounter the same goofus in a Magnate full of skill injectors. Shortly thereafter, a young Princess Aiko was contacted by Kelroth, who invited her to Teamspeak where they plotted against Lovin Jr.

Surprise plot twist! Aiko and Lovin are IRL friends.

Shortly thereafter, Aiko arranged an in-game meeting with Kelroth.

Kelroth bought a mining permit.

Sievert watched in horror, as the spider queen spun her web.

Kelroth gave Aiko another billion, plus a fifteen billion advance on Lovin’s bounty.

Sievert couldn’t believe Aiko’s dank tics.

Meanwhile, Kelroth was pleased to receive VIP status.

Aiko decided it was time to send an agent to Amarr.

Her scout reported that Kelroth was handing out Large Skill Injectors.

It was time to summon the girls!

To be continued…

Busy in Alikara

Miners really appreciate our content.

They recognize me as their official Saviourette.

They are always watching yours truly, their living Goddess.

I’m the best friend a miner could hope for.

They don’t always understand.

However, they respect my pedigree and lineage.

Indeed, they are truly grateful.

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Don’t forget your mining permit!

 

Busy in Uedama

Today, we dunked freighters in Uedama, as antigankers spectated.

Most NPCs appear surprised when they enter.

They are perpetually confused.

Did they just jump into a warzone?

Some suspect multiboxing.

Our fleets are rather large.

Miners are so easy to please.

A few bears notice something amiss.

Something seems really wrong in Uedama.

There’s definitely something wrong with the antigank intel channel.

The antigankers just want us to leave.

Why would I attack my own rorquals?

Uedama Blues

Sometimes, we like to shoot one another.

We can afford it.

Lucy was autopiloting through Uedama.

When she returned to her computer, she was surprised to learn of a gank attempt.

Like most antigankers, zebra 407 felt unappreciated.

He claimed to be Lucy’s bumping saviour.

Lucy checked her logs, and concluded otherwise.

zebra is just a lowlife scammer.

WoW! Just WoW! Antiganking is failing SO hard right now! Daily!

I’m glad I don’t have to beg for isk.

That’d be super embarrassing.

 Laugh out Loud.

LoL @ Khromius, Part 3

Previously, in Aikotopia… Erbacher lost his mining Kikimora, and Khromius vowed a “scorched Earth campaign”, roleplaying as a tough guy wardeccer. However, Princess Aiko made the desert bloom, and magical spaceships appeared from thin air. Khromius couldn’t handle the truth. Aiko was winning without any effort! Also, she was laughing at him, because free isk is gosh darn funny.

Aiti Jen, aka Charlie, was rewarded for his generous donations with a bonus round, hosted by a former CODE. celebrity.

Charlie was disgruntled. He visited the front, expecting to see Aiko’s new navy. Instead, he saw a handful of grumpy BLACKFLAG. bears grinding away on random stations, whilst spunky gankers dunked on hapless miners.

Aiko’s emissary quickly resolved Charlie’s concern.

Men of honor can easily reach an understanding.

Charlie was pleased, and made payment.

Was it possible Charlie could pay a little more?

Of course, Charlie wanted to be sure Aiko would stop ganking.

Also, what about the Sunday timer?

Those eggheads in Isanamo did their math, and the numbers were clear.

Charlie didn’t trust his new allies, but their logic was impeccable. 

Aiko would re-renounce ganking, forever, and Charlie would pay!

 

However, a few days later, Aiti regretted his decision.

He filed a formal complaint with Aiko’s boss, Australian Jesus…

…and that’s the story of how Khromius helped Aiko.

Thanks for the free isk, bro!

FU James 315

When James 315 died, in real-life, his last act was to clasp my dainty hand, and praise my name. He proudly proclaimed his little Princess, the black hole at the center of our universe, and he wanted to… but then he died, quite suddenly.

Recently, zombie James arose from the grave.

Technically, I dismantled the CODE. alliance, and I’m the only person to defeat James 315 in an honorable PvP duel. Good fight! So you would think antigankers might love me, but apparently not. Aiko is worse than James.

At least he admits the truth. I matter in a game, lol!

I decided to catch up with bizzaro universe 513 semaJ, in Isanamo.

He was mining in an Ibis.

Meanwhile, he ranted endlessly in local.

This didn’t make a good impression.


Eventually, we discussed politics.

In Miner’s Corner, I encouraged all miners to use a corvette.

Things quickly became personal.

Clearly, someone was off their meds.

Eventually, local Isanamoanites expressed concern.

This wasn’t just an anti-CODE protest, it was an anti-American protest.

Such is the caliber of ‘man’ who opposes me.

He loves mining, and he hates freedom.

He has particular disdain for certain states.

What a great guy!

My name is Aiko, and I’m the bad apple.