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Deal Storm #4

Previously, in James 315 Space… Princess Aiko developed a master plan. First, you kill the Mackinaw. Then you charge them 100 million isk, twice. Next, you charge them 30 million isk. Oops. 40 million isk, not 10 million isk. I mean, 70 million isk! Also, they owe another 30 million isk, or 40 million now. So, 70… 80 is fine! Also, why not sell them an Orca for another 100? Why not another 100? And another?

Miner suki storm was happy to be done.

Voila! In the beginning, suki only had 4 million isk.

suki storm > i hav” just 4million in my account

After investing with Aiko, isk was falling from the sky.

You can’t stop this girl! She’s invincible. Seriously, what’s her secret recipe for success? Is she casting spells? Hypnosis? Does she plan everything out, years in advance? Is it sheer charisma? Intuition, fate, or old fashioned Texas luck? Sex appeal??? Maybe, she was just born with it? Send me 100 million, and I’ll tell you!

Suki was catching on. Alleil asked for 30 million isk, and would then normally state “Oops, I typoed! You owe 40 million.” Suki would then send another 10 million, and Alleil would say, “No, no, you owed 70 million, so you paid 40 and still owe 30.” This time, however, Suki just immediately sent 70 million isk straight away. Too bad Alleil typoed, because suki actually owed 100! Nice try, suki!

Suki was learning fast, and it was time to overheat.

Once again, Suki was bankrupt…

However, he was also a contestant on Deal Storm, where the price is always right!

Could Suki afford to win?

He had to think fast!

Think big!

Why would you use a cellphone to take screenshots?

Miners love me, and they love my content.

To be continued…

Deal Storm #3

Deal Storm, Part 1

Previously in James 315 Space…suki lost a Mackinaw, and paid 100 million isk to get it back. Maybe it exploded, but perhaps it dropped as a lootable item? Princess Aiko is a nice lady, so suki paid twice, and bought an Orca for another 100 million. He also paid 30 million plus 10 million plus 30 million. He did it again (and again).

Even antigankers stand in awe of me, and well they should. EVE is a game, like Monopoly. Except, when I visit your Boardwalk hotel, you will pay me for the privilege of my presence. Also, why don’t you hand over those blue cards, thank you!

Back when I invented isk quintupling, I understood the importance of a solid telemarketing script. Once you bring the client into a money funnel, you don’t want them to escape. I eventually realized you don’t need to return any isk at all. Just keep being honest, and calmly explain the terms and conditions. You will quintuple your money in no time! Suki owed me 100 million isk. He also owed 30 million isk for shipping and handling. Oops. I typoed. He actually owes me 40 million isk. Why did he only send 10 million more? Shipping and handling is 70 million, so he just needs to pay 30 million!

It’s ok to improvise and innovate. Jerry Rin might be dead and gone, forever and ever, but Aiko is here to save you. Just listen closely and understand. Shabba wabba doo wat do wat. 10 million? 30 million? 40 million? 50 million? 100 million? Just send me all your isk, just send it all to me, and I’ll spend it on myself.

Did you ever wonder how Aiko got so space rich?

I’m soooo good at EVE. I’ll let my assistant take over.

Oh boy, suki is about to get his Mackinaw and an Orca!

I even helped out antiganker Talivaldis.

Sometimes, I make it rain.

10 million isk for a mining permit? Haha, I think we can do a bit better.

Alas, poor suki was bankrupt – or was he just lying?

He paid Talivaldis twice, then he paid me thrice more.

I just need (another) 100 million!

We aren’t done suki. There’s no escaping the spider queen’s web!

I love to suck men dry, and they kinda enjoy it.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Newbro PartTimeJerk got dunked in his Venture. Three times, according to zKillboard. EVE would be boring without the CODE.

***

DOUBLE BONUS: I sure do love shooting bot Ventures!

Deal Storm #2

Previously in James 315 Space… suki storm lost a Mackinaw. In order to get a new Mackinaw, he paid 100 million isk to Princess Aiko. Rewind. Before paying 100 million, he paid another 100 million.

Aiko Danuja > hello miner
Kalorned > Hi!
suki storm > i’am not miner do’nt take the risk
No Bodiei > Aiko is drunk
Aiko Danuja > Suki, pay me 100 million isk or I will gank you again
suki storm > it was my first dit to minning since a moment i can do some mistake no ?
Aiko Danuja > I will destroy another miner ship, unless you pay me 100,000,000.
suki storm > i have no isk by you fault

He claimed to have no money, but miners are liars.

Aiko Danuja > Once you send the isk, I will send you a receipt as confirmation of payment. If you do not pay, I will not allow you to mine.
suki storm > i hav” just 4million in my account

Aiko Danuja > Good, now find another 96 million.
Buttercup Potemkin > hurry up miner
suki storm > if you continue to speak as this i go to be rebel
suki storm > you think you can destroy a kronos in few second ?
Aiko Danuja > i can kill a kronos easy
suki storm > with what you kill a kronos XD
suki storm > yeah it’s really my problem

He still needed to pay 100 million isk.

That’s 100 million, not 4 plus 96. He also needed to pay 30 million isk for shipping. Er, um, 40 million. No, I didn’t mean 30 million plus 10 million = 40 million. I meant 30 + 40 = 70 million. Hurry up, miner!

suki storm > your number is your power that’s all
Netheril X > Did I make you cum when you blew up my ship?
suki storm > i want just play i, peace
Elise Shomitzsu > No wonder no one likes this shit game.
No Bodiei > suki storm u have to pay for pillow talk
Aiko Danuja > Elise is just grumpy, because her mackinaw exploded.

So suki paid, and paid, and paid again (and again).

No Bodiei > you won’t see anything like this anywhere else in eve. Aiko is one of the great wonders of eve that should be seen on a grand tour

He also needed to tip the delivery driver.

It is customary to also tip the other driver.

The standard tip is 30 million. I mispoke, 40 million. That’s 70 million! Or 80?

If there is a third driver, you must tip again. Always! The fee is just 30 millon. I mean, 40 million, 70 million!

This is the art of the deal.

Shipping is free, but you have to pay the Uedama toll (again)!

It’s just 30 million. I mean, you owe 40. So 70, right?

Don’t forget about the other delivery driver!

Fortuna Avarice Cash > ruthless
Talivaldis > what a wonderous and joyful thing to behold the princess
Purgo > Amazing Aiko

To be continued…

Deal Storm

suki storm lost a Mackinaw.

I wanted to help.

I love to help.

Everybody wantsto help suki.

He just needs to pay…

So he paid…

…and he paid…

…and he paid.

It’s important to pay the entire fee, in full.

I’m really good at this.

I’m one of the best.

I always need more money.

I’m very good.

I am the best.

I’m a content creator.

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 91

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously in James 315 Space… Goonswarm has a new FC, the High Lord Sky Marshal avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka ‘lil Mittens, aka James 315 2.0, aka He Who Knocks Upon Stars. avia recently transcended space, time, and basic mechanics, learning to master the ultimate power of the galaxy. Rat bombs and rweaking ballquals exploded across nullsec, as avia developed increasingly powerful supperweapons, becoming the first capsuleer in history to proclaim himself Queen of the Rats.

Unfortunately, the power of a rat queen is too awesome to behold, and avia forbid Goonswarm to ever use this weapon of sheer terror and infinite destruction. Even if all of Delve were lost to the Horde, and the Horn of Gondor shattered asunder, only a fool would dare to summon the dread Leviathan Cthulhu.

Now that he possesssed infinite power, avia resumed taunting Pandemic Horde from the MinerBumping.com blog comments. As avia knew, MinerBumping was the center of the Imperium, and an ideal place to humiliate his enemies.

Pandemic Horde spies worked overtime to try and mislead avia, pretending that there was no war at all. However, the truth is now plain as day.

avia gloated over his foolish adversaries, revealing that the entire war has been just a mere training exercise for the Imperial Navy.

As Pandemic Horde writhed in misery, caught in avia’s web of training skank traps, he dutifully made another payment to fund the mighty swarm.

Now that bills were paid, it was time to issue new orders.

AGBee 001 was directed to make a leap frog attack. Meanwhile, lanceing fleet caused chaos, and cloaky wolves permanently blocked the road to Jita. In the rear, a line of rorquals firmly blocked Pandemic counterattacks.

With their frontline torn asunder, Pandemic Horde was sorely unprepared for phase II of the operation. Sleeper agents, hidden inside the Horde for years, suddenly awoke and volunteered for guard duty. These spies let dancing fleet slip deeper inside Horde’s inner nest, triggering awestruck confusion wherever they might cast their allure. In turn, this provided cover for logistics spies, who systematically photographed schedules, and placed grenades into the very cogs of Pandemic industry.

However, could avia survive a harsh Antarctic winter?

To be continued…

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BONUS VIDEOS: Have you ever wondered what Ventures do after they get podded? Where do they go, what do they think about? Fortunately, McDubbzyTTV was streaming his own afterlife. Is this the start of a war?

A hard knock

OFFICIAL NEW ORDER ANNOUNCEMENT

As your Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce a promo contest.

I would never want my actions to conflict with the infallible judgment of James 315, so I cleared this with him via seance, and the ouija planchette pointed at me. I suspected that Kroppina was manipulating the board, but Alt 00 saw it move autonomously. This demonstrates that James truly loves me. I also sat for three hours in a dark room, watching a candle, and it flickered when I whispered his name. Once again, this confirms beyond doubt, that I am the one true heiress to anything and everything.

With great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to officially endorse this contest. James wouldn’t want us to merely sit in station, docked up and praising his name ad nauseam. He always detested sycophants, who need him to authorize each and every decision. Nor is he satisfied with those who merely undock and gank. He expects us to be civil, creating art and culture, beyond the bare minimum. I know this, because we are intimately mind melded, forever and ever. Amen.

I agree wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no interest in EVE Online, but I have every interest in the Order. This galaxy was once ruled by a fickle demon, the cheater BoB. James killed this beast, and a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. In this way, the galaxy finally became interesting, and with the help of the VCBees (and a certain Khanid princess), James saved everyone from eternal boredom.

Once upon a time, Katia Sae decided to visit every star system, and took screenshots to document her journey. This sounds absolutely dreadful, mainly because Katia refused to engage in any actual gameplay. When other spaceships appeared, she would simply log out of her client, waiting for them to go away. In some cases, a stalemate would last weeks, and it took more than a decade for Katia to navigate her tiresome path. CCP likes to celebrate this ‘amazing’ journey, but it’s really just a testament to how incredibly boring EVE can be. Some players literally spend years doing nothing much.

Alani Prinz offers 315 Catalysts, to whomsoever submits the best photo. Since the rules are unclear, I will make them up as I please. Our contest will continue for at least one month, and there must be contestants. Images should be high resolution, and full screen. Furthermore, they must show someone doing something honorable, like piloting a Catalyst or dunking a Venture. As an example, Alani submitted this fine image.

***

Of course, a Saviourette’s work is never done.

Mrs Curtain is a plebeian of Hard Knocks, which rents several wormholes from me. When she accidentally fell out of her hole, Ernst kindly evicted her.

James would be proud, to know that Ernst is still out there, keeping Highsec safe from riffraff and vagrants. Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain did not appreciate his hard work. Instead of paying rent, she tried to scam him!

Ernst is no stranger to wormholes, and he sternly advised Mrs Curtain to speak with her feudal overlord. Educate yoself!

As you should know, Loroseco is a powerful friend in j-space.

If you ever get suspicious, that everyone in the galaxy is conspiring against you, well — they probably are (the exact same people).

Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain doubted the truth.

Someday, she will learn the hard way (again).

*WARNING*

Yonder day of judgment be nigh at hand!

100 Billion!

As your official Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce that the mighty CODE. alliance continues to win daily.

That’s right.

This is some high praise!

I’ll allow it.

I like when people pay me to endorse myself.

Tweeps has been funding the alliance for a long time.

I imagine she will continue.

I’d super hate to be on her blacklist. Tweeps has so many alts, like literally thousands. It would be nigh impossible to play EVE, against an enemy who can destroy an entire alliance, without even bothering to login. Fortunately, Tweeps likes the CODE. and that’s part of our secret recipe — we have powerful friends in Highsec.

When I first met Tweeps, people told me to be careful. They said she is a dangerous evil scammer, who would take everything I have. Actually, they had it all backwards. Tweeps is really great, and I’m also like totally invincible. Everyone should strive to be more like Tweeps, and send everything they have to me.

Tweeps celebrated her wise investment, donning a party hat of solid gold, inlaid with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, amethysts, and chunks of pure zydrine.

In the old days, James would tip his own hat, in honor of such tribute. As a Princess, I can offer a slight wave of my hand, and perhaps a little something extra.

As word spread, spontaneous celebration erupted within the sacred Minerbumping channel, where everyone loves me.

Of course, friend.

We also had a big party in Teamspeak.

Everyone was invited. Some people were afraid to come, because they are intimidated by a strong woman, but apparently Aiko is really nice. Everybody enjoyed the opportunity to mix and mingle with their Saviourette, discussing personal goals, and how the OHNO! treasury might benefit their corporation.

Praising spread through every channel in the galaxy.

We had a super swell time.

Eventually, all parties come to an end.

Let’s do it again!

I was trying to decide if I should buy a fifth Titan, and intervene in the war. However, Magalaus Shardani had a much better idea.

Let’s just kill the bears.

All of them.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

A Few Questions

Why do we do it?

Sometimes, it takes a while for the miner to wake up.

AGBee 001 was busy ganking freighters, but she could spare a moment.

The Wayfarrer had finally found his way.

Without a doubt, Agent 001 is one of the best.

The price was most reasonable.

It wasn’t a hard decision.

CODE. compliance is easy.

Another satisfied customer!

Congrats miner!

***

BONUS: Fortuna Avarice Cash has promised to stop antiganking!

***

DOUBLE BONUS:I love these boys.

The Best Revenge, Part 90

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… Lord Star Emperor avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka Astevon, aka Hazen Koraka, aka the Suppercomputer, was determined to secure his rank as grand doctrineer and Void Marshal of the Imperium. He also gave a speech on lag gunning tactics, enlightening the Swarm with his mighty theorycraft.

Princess Aiko was truly amazed. She had known of Pandemic Horde’s sneaky gimmick of DDOS Lag Induced DPS Application (DDOSLIDPSA), but never considered the possibility of blending a lag gunner with a strong power gun fit. Fortunately, having served as a spy within Pandemic Horde, avia was well versed in their strengths and weaknesses. Meanwhile, Princess Aiko continued to train the fleet dancers, incorporating her newfound understanding of lag gunning to create a TiDi ‘moonwalk’ effect.

With Aiko’s full attention, avia issued orders to the fleet.

avia once vowed to destroy Goonswarm within just four years, but was now prepared to crush both Pandemic Horde and TEST in just one week.

Inspired with foreknowledge of James 315’s impending fate, avia found himself contemplating the future, a galaxy without the guiding light of Halaima. Faster than a ‘lil bullet, Agent Anvil, aka 140, sped outward into the abyss. As he viewed the galaxy from afar, the stars began to blur together, indistinguishable and insignificant. From this perspective, he wondered if the war against Pandemic Horde even mattered. Although he had set out to exact revenge, he now found such petty human desires far beneath him.

Yes, avia was finally ascending. He realized now that he was far above the petty internecine squabbles of the null blocs, as he was himself a God, the God of Gods, standing tall above such lesser divinities as BoB and Doblauk the Goblok.

Master avia revealed unto Princess Aiko the ultimate supper power, by which an FC might harness the infinite army. He proclaimed himself to be queen of the rats, and proved his powers by casting a plague of Triglavians.

On a rehearsal break, Princess Aiko naturally wondered if she might herself become a rat queen. However, Master avia, aka Sun Tzu, warned that such powers were beyond a mere mortal, and feared Aiko might be consumed by lust.

Ah, and what of the double traitor Vily, who was even then plotting her betrayal of the Swarm. Could the dinosaurs defeat a rat queen?

To be continued…

Pay Your Rent, Part 2

Previously, in James 315 Space… Newgal pokoko bought PLEX, injectors, and a Marshal. She was ready to play, proudly undocking in Jita. A few seconds later, she found herself in the Why Was I Ganked? channel, wondering what happened.

Cargo Bandit offered to sell a mining permit for 20 billion isk, but pokoko was a tough negotiator, talking the price down to just 18 billion.

Cargo listened patiently, as pokoko explained her concerns.

However, Cargo was busy, and her red timer was about to end. It was a big decision, and (for some reason) pokoko wasn’t entirely sure the mining permit would be worth it, but Cargo made a compelling argument.

Just like that, it was done.

Perhaps, someday, we will hear more about pokoko’s adventures.

Meanwhile, the New Order just keeps winning. Like any good ganker, Cargo Bandit sent a billion isk to my Official Holy New Order Treasury.

P.S. Did you know there is a Korean ganker group that supports the New Order? I’ll give you a hint who – they killed pokoko! They have some kind of Korean website, where they discussed this incident. Here is what people in Korea had to say.